The Post Mortem

Sit back and relax, this is an Ed Hochuli penalty explanation-length version of the Post Mortem.

There are some big changes happening in the desert. The Birds displayed a brand new home that was, surprisingly, filled to the rafters with Cardinals fans. Like, they were actually cheering and everything. It was like the Cardinals were one of the cool teams in the league, playing in a real NFL stadium for the first time ever.

But the biggest shock was the new hairstyle of Brenda Warner who ditched the matching crew cut with Kurt. It seems that the arrival of Matt Leinart has not only caused Kurt to step up his game on the field, but now his wife is trying to keep up with famed Leinart gal pal Paris Hilton. The real surprising part is that Brenda doesn't look bad. (Seriously.)

The Cardinals offense looked as good as advertised, too. Warner is still one of the premier quarterbacks in the NFL. None looked better than the former Barnstormer on Sunday. So maybe this is the Birds year.

Or maybe it's just playing the 49ers.

• Is Mike Nolan a gambler? The 49ers coach called for a field goal with 30 seconds left to ensure his team would cover the spread before going for the onsides kick and a touchdown. A sound strategy, but try explaining that to gamblers who took the Birds and gave the points.

• How long is it going to take for FOX to pull the Joe Buck experiment? That was more painful than the Joe Theismann leg snap. That was all sorts of awful. Watching Jack Buck�s corpse on a podium would not have been as bad. And that self-congratulating intro? �Hi, I'm Joe Buck and nobody is more self-satisfied with himself than I am. We will miss James Brown and the only person in the world who could possibly fill his shoes is the great one himself, Joe Buck. So I, Joe Buck, graciously accept one more opportunity to gravy-train off of my father's legacy and subject the world to my smugness.� Not even Frank Caliendo can save this car wreck.

• The Cincinnati Bengals grabbed headlines by being arrested at a Raiders-fan level this offseason, but the hit Robert Geathers delivered on a sliding (and defenseless) Trent Green was criminal. But that was not the worst part as Bengals players taunted the Chiefs bench as Green laid motionless on the ground. It is clear that Marvin Lewis has no control on this team. They make the 1980s Oklahoma Sooners look like a BYU mission team. Lewis tried to claim that Eddie Kennison had pushed Geathers into Green. Don't seem to remember any members of the Bengals buying cheap excuses like that after Carson Palmer was carted off the field in last year's playoffs. It is actually time to start fearing for Palmer�s knee because karma is a female dog.

• The Jay Cutler era will begin against Baltimore on Monday Night Football, October 9. The Broncos will beat Kansas City at home this week before losing at New England to be 1-2.

• There was no sadder display than watching the Cleveland Browns trot out its great players of the past, like Michael Dean Perry. Guess Andre Rison must have been busy.

• Chasing Maris: The man, Ryan Howard hit his 56th homerun of the season. Some skeptics are saying that Howard might be on the juice. Hey, how about turning that critical eye at Hochuli. Can he be natural?

• Boy, the Fighting Irish sure have changed under Charlie Weis. It was only a few years ago that Irish fans were crying about USC's fake punt against them late in the game. Now Notre Dame is running the fake punts. Seems like some team is trying awfully hard to prove that they are in USC's class. (Maybe they should try to prove it against, you know, USC or something instead of lowly Penn State.)

• Raven looked solid on Sunday, even displaying an actual offense and everything for the seemingly the first time in the Brian Billick era. And you thought the coach was insufferable when his team could not score. But don't get too excited, Kyle Boller is just one injury away from starting.

AND FINALLY
It was a tough weekend to be a football fan in the state of Texas. The Texans are still lousy. But look at the bright side, Mario Williams had two tackles while Reggie Bush went ran crazy on the Browns. Nice pick, Houston. How did Dom Davis do?

Terrell Owens was good in his Cowboys debut, but Drew Bledsoe was not. Would like to say that Bledsoe was awful, but that would be a disservice to guys that were. Bledsoe exceeded that. You have to imagine that T.O. would prefer Jeff Garcia right now.

And then there is the University of Texas, who were snot-kicked by Ohio State at home. Once again, college football picks will continue to be provided for readers to bet against.

But all of that pales in comparison to Bill Parcell's chest, which brought real shame to the state of Texas. There hasn't been a bigger pair of boobs that have brought so much shame to Texas since Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong started hanging out.