Dinner with Dad

Two Arizona residents, Cathy and Jim Kleeman, won the right to host a dinner party with Randy Johnson with 20 of their closest friends after winning a charity auction. You know who won�t be going to this party?

His estranged daughter who didn't have $7K to blow on dinner with dear old dad.

And don't worry, the money went to a good charity. One near and dear to Johnson's black heart�the notMYkid foundation. Seriously.

Okay, notMYkid might be a decent organization, but you would think they would want to back away from dude�s who have fathered kids out of wedlock. Just saying is all.

Pilot Watch: Studio 60 vs. 30 Rock

Can two TV shows set backstage at a faltering live sketch comedy series co-exist on the same network without driving each other crazy? Maybe, yeah. Having watched both "30 Rock" and "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," I could see both working -- assuming either can overcome the public's usual apathy to behind-the-scenes in Hollywood shows. (People in the entertainment industry always think the public is much more fascinated with the inner workings of the entertainment industry than we actually are.)

The usual caveat: these are not reviews. Many, many things about these shows will change, from music to casting to deleted and added scenes. These are just early impressions, keeping in mind that I've seen many shows get better or worse between now and when the final version debuts in the fall. More after the jump...

"30 Rock"
Who's In It: Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, Alec Baldwin, Rachel Dratch
What It's About: Tina Fey plays the Tina Fey-esque head writer of a "Saturday Night Live"-esque live sketch comedy show, where she has to deal with the neuroses of leading lady Dratch, the craziness of new castmember Morgan and the unhelpful suggestions from new boss Baldwin.
Pluses: When you get Fey away from the institutionalized weekly grind of the real "SNL," she can be a very sharp writer (see also "Mean Girls"), and she has intimate knowledge of the world she's satirizing. I get to have Baldwin being funny on my TV every week. Morgan does a pretty good impression of Kit Ramsey from "Bowfinger."
Minuses: The comedy is hit-and-miss, though the hits (Morgan takes Fey to a Bronx strip club) are worth sitting through the misses. Fey hasn't quite figured out how best to exploit Baldwin's gift for being impossibly handsome and weird at the same time, though there are hints she's on her way. With the show and Fey so closely tied to "SNL" (I think Fey's even staying as Weekend Update anchor), will she wind up pulling her punches to avoid offending Lorne or anyone else?

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"
Who's In It: Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peet, Sarah Paulson, D.L. Hughley, Tim Busfield, Steven Weber, Evan Handler and a cast of thousands
What It's About: When a thinly-disguised version of Lorne Michaels has an on-air meltdown during the live telecast of a thinly-disguised "SNL," thinly-disguised versions of Aaron Sorkin and Tommy Schlamme are brought in to save the show.
Pluses: It's Sorkin and Schlamme, so you know it's going to look and sound great. The meltdown sequence is riveting, even if it's cribbed from "Network" (which the script almost gleefully cops to). As the new head of the network who has to fix this mess, Amanda Peet finally gets to display the star quality everyone's claimed she had for years. (Either that, or she just looks amazing in an Audrey Hepburn-esque get-up for the entire episode.)
Minuses: This is one of those cases where it's hard for me to separate my knowledge of the people involved from the work itself. Perry and Whitford are so clearly playing mix-and-match aspects of Aaron and Tommy, just as Peet is Jamie Tarses, Paulson is Kristin Chenoweth, etc., that the Mary Sue-ishness of it makes me uncomfortable. (On the plus side, the Maureen Dowd character from the pilot has had virtually all her lines cut, and for all I know, she's no longer a national newspaper columnist who used to date Aaron, but just some woman out on a date with the Whitford character.) When Judd Hirsch (as "Lorne") delivers his rant about the evils of television, Marian turned to me and said, "Boy, Aaron really had a lot to say after his time away, huh?" For a show about a classic sketch comedy series, there aren't a lot of laughs. There's also a smugness to it; I think Aaron believes the "I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to." "Why?" "You work in television" exchange that's in all the promos is a lot funnier than it actually is.

The verdict: At the moment, I plan to watch 'em both.

Yes, there are problems with the "Studio 60" pilot, but there were also problems with the original version of the "West Wing" pilot (the scene where Leo meets with Al Caldwell and we learn that not all the Christians in the meeting with Josh and Toby are fire-breathing cartoons was added much later). And Aaron and Tommy are so talented that I'll put up with a lot of trash (most of "West Wing" seasons three and four) to get to the treasure ("Bartlet for America," "Red Haven's On Fire").

And "30 Rock," frankly, made me laugh, and that quality is in precious short supply in primetime these days.

Theismann Lashes Out

Toronto quarterback Damon Allen is likely embarrassed to be a member of the Argonauts after listening to Joe Theismann�s diatribe on new teammate Ricky Williams. Theismann, a former Argonauts QB, is upset that Toronto would sign a �drug addict� like Williams.

Although it was cool when Toronto wanted to sign a 5-foot-10 midget from Notre Dame in 1971 because he couldn't compete with Bob Griese. Theismann did what most hippies did in the 1970s and avoided the draft by going to Canada after the Dolphins selected him in the fourth round.

Or maybe a lot of this stems from Theismann�s own self-loathing over the fact that his own son is serving a ten-year suspended sentence for cocaine possession.

�This is a feeble excuse for the Toronto Argonauts to sell tickets and I am embarrassed to have worn that A on my helmet,� Theismann told The Fan 590, a Toronto all-sports radio station. �To think they would stoop to this level to sell tickets, to bring someone in who is not worthy of playing professional football.

�He has insulted professional football players, he has insulted the game of professional football. He has been suspended by the National Football League, he doesn't want to play.�

It�s kind of funny coming from a guy who changed the pronunciation of his name to rhyme with Heisman when he was a college quarterback at Notre Dame. (His name was once pronounced THEEZ-man.) This coming from a guy who left his wife for his girlfriend and then�when he left his girlfriend-had the audacity to lecture her on �honor.�

Williams, as you can imagine, was able to shrug off the comments. Because, let�s face it, what credibility does Theismann really have anyway? Does anybody take this guy seriously? Williams didn�t.

�Every time he says something, this is what happens: He says a remark about me that's offensive, then when he has to do one of our games he comes and apologizes and says, �I'm sorry.'

�So, I'm sure next year when he's doing a game he'll come up to me and say, �I'm sorry,' and it will be the same thing over again. It will probably be next year when I go back to Miami and he's doing a game with ESPN.�

Theismann sure does have a propensity for being smacked down by �drug addicts.�

Devil/Angel

That, my friends, is everything that is brilliant about "Rescue Me" -- and some of what is frustrating about "Rescue Me," too. More after the jump...

Now, you have to forgive me if I need a minute to pick my jaw up off the floor after that last scene -- and I first saw it weeks ago. Here we have Tommy, still destroyed by his son's death, having just come out of a fight with his ex where she accused him of not doing all he could to save Connor, and he sees a little girl he just pulled out of a fire lying dead on a gurney -- and this time, dammit, he's not going to do anything less than everything to bring back this kid whom even the paramedics have already written off. And after furiously performing CPR for minutes (I'm ignorant on this stuff, but wouldn't he have crushed her chest doing it that hard for that long?) and having to scare the guys off with his Halligan, he somehow, miraculously, brings her back to life. And then, triumphant, he marches through the members of his crew -- all of whom, like him, have just entered a pact to quit smoking -- and, as Stereophonics' "Devil" drops off the soundtrack so all we hear is the clomp of Tommy's boots and the flare of his lighter -- he pops a cigarette in his mouth, lights it and walks away.

Over the top? Sure. Incredibly awesome? Hell, yeah. Best TV cigarette-lighting since "Two Cathedrals."

Denis Leary's career has never been about subtlety, and "Rescue Me" has never been a show that lends itself to the kind of line-by-line interpretation that, say, I've been writing about "The Sopranos" for the last three months. What you see is what you get, important points are underlined, but moments like that don't feel hamfisted -- they feel iconic.

And I love that the payoff to this heavy, heavy moment came from a funny subplot like the smoke-out plan. The moment when Chief Reilly suggests they all quit right then, followed by a pause, then Tommy's "How 'bout, like, three minutes from now?," followed by frantic puffing by all the guys, was comic perfection. And I loved Lou (should I spell it "Lieu" since his name is Kenny and the nickname is short for "Lieutenant"?) smelling the cigarette on Garrity's breath and then pretending he could identify the brand because he saw the pack on the floor.

When "Rescue Me" is really clicking -- as it was for most of tonight -- the funny and dramatic moments feed off of each other. The best episode from season one, and the one that Leary and Peter Tolan always point to as the model for what they want to do, was "Inches," where the guys are all caught up in a dick-measuring contest until Billy dies in a fire. Comedy to tragedy, and then back to funny again (sort of) when Lou/Lieu reveals that the late Billy "was packing ten" and won the contest posthumously. Tommy lighting up in that moment wouldn't have had half the power if they hadn't spent so much of the episode goofing about how hard it is for him to stop smoking.

On the other hand, you have subplots like the one about Tommy's godson being hot for teacher, and vice versa. Now, I'm all for seeing Paige Turco on my screen, as she's a good actress and now qualifies as what Lenny Clarke, in a press conference for "The Job," once said of then-ABC president Susan Lyne: "She's a hot older lady." But this show spends so much timing giving depth and heart to all the guys (even Garrity and Probie have their serious moments, though we rarely see them), while the women are all caricatures. Sheila's both a nag and a doormat, Tommy's sister is a psycho party girl, even Janet is usually portrayed in a negative light. To quote Matt's review from this morning:

Not so with the women, who are usually defined in relation to the men and often seem to embody the men's Neanderthal attitudes rather than challenging them. Tommy's ex-wife has good reason to loathe and distrust him, and her sadness is real (and sharply played by Roth). But she puts the screws to Tommy with such relish that she often seems like a divorced male persecution fantasy come to life.

Mrs. Turbody isn't a person: she's a character in a Penthouse Forum letter. And I don't even want to get into what they did to Diane Farr last year; she's one of the few actors whom I've ever considered better off having gone to work on a procedural crime show.

At the moment, the female character on the show I'm most interested in is Tommy's younger daughter Katy. She had a great scene in last season's finale where her refusal to believe in the afterlife scared the pants off Garrity and New Mike, and I was intrigued by that opening scene (assuming it wasn't part of Tommy's nightmare) where she and Tommy are actually able to crack jokes about Connor's death. With this show, I can never tell what's actually supposed to be character shading and what's just a refusal to stick with a tone if it gets in the way of a good gag, but I want to see more of these two together.

Some other random thoughts:

• When the guys were freaking out about the menagerie in that one apartment, was I the only one screaming out "SNAKES IN A FIRE!"? Just me? Okay. That entire scene was really funny, especially Probie's entrance with the boa constrictor over his shoulders.
• Again, I'm really against the Mrs. Turbody story, but I loved Leary's delivery of "I got Sister Mary Shovelface, and you get Sharon Stone!" Also, his rundown of the kind of porn available on the internet was nice. Not quite up to the level of the "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup" scene from "Clerks," but close.
  
• Janet and Tommy's brother, eh? If it gives Dean Winters more to do, cool. I just worry that, once again, it's an excuse to make Janet look bad for having a normal emotional reaction to something.
  
• Does Charles Durning have some kind of deal where he has to play the father of every middle-aged male character on television? Is this like that period where Michael Caine was required to appear in every movie made between 1981 and 1987?
  
• Are the Chief and Rose already having an affair, or is he still trying to be faithful to his wife? I would think if they were sleeping together, we'd know (again, this is not a secretive show), but the scene where she offers to chip in for his wife's rent suggested they're on the way, if they're not there already.
• More uncomfortable woman stuff: Lou/Lieu and his fixation on his Madonna/Whore who turned out to be just a Whore. I'd rather we just forget about that story altogether.
  

So what did everybody else think?

Pilot Watch: CBS

Well, that sneaky bastard Dan Fienberg has stolen my idea of stealing his idea of doing trailer reviews and applying it to pilots -- not to mention adding the twist of suggesting potential roles for Eric Balfour in each show -- but I'm going to go ahead with my own takes anyway, starting with CBS. I've also seen most of the Fox dramas and got the full stack of NBC pilots today, so I'll try to do these as I go.

One caveat: these are not reviews. Many, many things about these shows will change, from music (the "Jericho" pilot uses The Killers' "All These Things That I Have Done" and I'll bet my house it doesn't make it to air that way) to casting (Eric Balfour?) to deleted and added scenes. These are just early impressions, keeping in mind that I've seen many shows get better or worse between now and when the final version debuts in the fall.

"The Class"
Who's in it: Jason Ritter, Andrea Anders, Lizzy Caplan, that British guy who was in the bad WB sitcom with Harold from "Harold and Kumar" and Finch from "American Pie," plus other people I don't recognize.
What it's about: Former third-grade classmates reunite as late twentysomethings, all with their own problems.
Pluses: Like his dad, Jason Ritter is enormously likable and looks really comfortable standing next to a fake living room couch. Lizzy Caplan has my eternal loyalty for taking Jason Segel disco dancing in the "Freaks and Geeks" finale. David Crane, the co-creator, also co-created "Friends."
Minuses: A lot of characters -- eight regulars plus at least as many spouses/girlfriends/parents/sidekicks who will be recurring -- get introduced in a very short period of time, which means every one -- and every joke -- is really very broad so you can keep track of who's trapped in the bad marriage, who's the type-A overachiever, who's secretly gay, etc., etc. Very sitcommy, but not as funny as the "Friends" pilot -- or the "How I Met Your Mother" pilot, for that matter.

"Smith"
Who's In It: Ray Liotta, Virginia Madsen, Simon Baker, Amy Smart, Jonny Lee Miller, Franky G
What It's About: A master thief and his crew try to pull off a few more jobs so he can retire before his ex-con wife figures out he hasn't gone straight yet.
Pluses: Have you looked at that cast list? Okay, subtract Franky G and add Shoreh Aghdashloo, who has what I hope will be a recurring role as Liotta's fence, and that's as talented and pedigreed an ensemble as I've seen in a while. (Then again, ABC has a show that somehow features both Campbell Scott and Hope Davis, so maybe this is just a season where a lot of indie character actors got mortgages.) Cool setting and some nice moments, particularly an early scene that establishes Baker's sniper as the kind of amoral sociopath you usually don't see on network TV. (Fienberg is convinced it will be cut before September; I'm more optimistic.) Smart is also really strong as a damaged woman of a thousand identities, all of them involving low-cut tops.
Minuses: It's by John Wells, so you know it's going to be competent but glum. What's there so far isn't nearly as much fun as an "Ocean's 11" and not nearly as stylish as a Michael Mann caper story. However, the pilot runs almost 60 minutes without commercials, so there's plenty of room to add some scenes to tip it one way or the other. (Either they pad it out to two hours or they cut off all the fat.)

"Shark"
Who's In It: James Woods, Jeri Ryan
What It's About: Celebrity criminal defense attorney has a come-to-Jesus moment and joins the DA's office after one of his clients goes bad after acquittal.
Pluses: It's James Woods chewing scenery for 41 minutes. Really, do you need to know anything beyond that? Sort of a flip side of "True Believer," my favorite Woods movie.
Minuses: The producers clearly want to do "House" in a courtroom, but by the end of the pilot, they've softened Woods' character in ways that the "House" producers haven't felt the need to do in two seasons. Woods is a great enough actor that we're going to like him even when he's being a bastard, so let him be one -- please. Also, Ryan (as Woods' disapproving boss) has less to do than Lisa Edelstein and the eager beaver prosecutors learning dirty tricks from Woods are all interchangeable.

"Jericho"
Who's In It: Skeet Ulrich, Gerald McRaney, Sprague Grayden, Pamela Reed, Ashley Scott
What It's About: After a series of nuclear explosions cuts a small Kansas town off from the rest of America, residents don't know what's happened, how much of the country (or world) survived, how to deal with dwindling supplies, etc., etc.
Pluses: An intriguing concept, though skiffy fans hoping this will be another "Lost" are going to be disappointed, since there are no hints of any kind in the pilot that this will involve monsters, psychics, Skinner's Boxes, cursed numbers or anything the least bit paranormal. (That part's a plus for me, too; there's enough potential in dealing with the reality of a situation like this that they could get years out of it without having to tease the audience with half-baked mysteries and clues.) Either McRaney has gotten much better with age or I've just appreciated him more since he's been on "Deadwood," but he's really strong. There's a nice disaster movie-style sequence with a wounded Ulrich and Grayden trying to take care of a busful of scared kids. Of all the pilots I've seen so far, this was the one where I most wanted to see a second episode.
Minuses: Skeet Ulrich. I was hoping he could pull a Matthew Fox and develop some charisma as he got older, but 'tis not to be. Other than McRaney, all the other characters are types at best so far. But there's plenty of time to add in some shadings.

Off to watch "Studio 60" and write about "Rescue Me." More late tonight or early tomorrow.

Sparks will fly

The most important piece of business this morning: the first appearance of Matt Seitz's byline in weeks, with his review of the "Rescue Me" season premiere. "Rescue Me" is one of the summer shows I'll be doing morning after write-ups here at the blog, so look for something either late tonight or first thing tomorrow. In other linkage, a mailbag column (link now fixed) that's mostly about the divergent opinions about my "Idol" finale story (I like the woman who declared that I am "absolutely nothing"), but which has a pointer on the second page towards a possible explanation for the Homer Simpson statue on "Lost."

Meanwhile, with the bulk of the TV season over, I could finally get back to "Everwood" -- just in time to see the farewell episodes. Sigh. When the WB stopped showing it on its Sunday afternoon Easy Pass window, I lost track of Andy, Ephram and company, popping back only when the other shows I watched in its timeslot were in rerun. I would always feel bad that I was missing so much of an obviously well-written, well-acted, heartfelt show like this, and yet I never felt the addictive pull that so many other dramas give me. I understand why so many people were passionate about the show -- a few of the reporters at the CW's first press conference looked like they wanted to hop over a rail and throttle Dawn Ostroff for keeping "One Tree Hill" instead -- but I think once the focus shifted from the father-son battles to the town in general, it never felt unmissable to me.

But I would have to have been made out of stone to not get a little choked up at that last scene where Edna broke down after seeing Irv's ghost. The writers never quite knew what to do with Irv, especially after they dropped his voiceovers, but that marriage was always sweet (even when they were separated), and Debra Mooney was just about perfect as Edna begged Irv not to leave. (Like Veronica Mars' occasional freak-outs, it was especially effective because Edna is a rock 99% of the time.)

The rest of the episode occasionally felt labored, as if the writers were trying to make it up to John Beasley by devoting an entire hour to showing just how important Irv was to the community, but Bright with the military recruiter was hilarious, and I liked the broken mug motif.

Since I don't think I've blogged about the show before, not sure how many of you are fans. If any of you are, what do you want to see happen in the finale next week?

The Post Mortem

Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny is going to be ripped in the local media for his temper tantrum on Monday. But he should be applauded for it.

The Dodgers had jumped out to a huge early lead over Atlanta, but the Braves had closed the game to 8-5 and had runners on first and third when Manager Grady Little relived the Penny. But why would Penny be so mad?

He had only pitched 4 1/3 innings, meaning he needed just two more outs to qualify for his sixth win of the season.

Penny then had a complete meltdown as he trashed the Dodgers dugout like Billy Idol in a hotel room while yelling at Little and pitching coach Rick Honeycutt. (Seriously, Honeycutt is your pitching coach?)

Some might see something like this and think, Penny is a narcissistic a-hole. But he is our type of guy. The kind of guy that you would want on your fantasy team. Penny had pulled other shenanigans in his last start against Colorado when he asked to be taken out after the fifth inning despite pitching a shutout. Hey, no reason to ruin your ERA when you already have a victory in hand. Again, not great team baseball, perfect fantasy league baseball. You are now encouraged to make a deal for Brad Penny immediately.

• Is it a coincidence that the lights at Long Beach�s Blair Field caught fire the night former Dirtbags pitcher Jered Weaver made his major-league debut? Not to get too excited about one start, but the Angels could have saved about $9M if they had just promoted Jered and neglected to sign Jeff. Did anybody see Jeff Weaver in the dugout? His cheering was about as sincere as Daniel Baldwin rooting on his brothers to win an Oscar. Oh well, maybe Jeff can now balloon up to 300 pounds to live off his more talented siblings.

• At least Long Beach fans will have Weaver to root for as its team was snubbed for the NCAA baseball regionals. The Dirtbags do have a gripe as being swept at home by Cal State Fullerton (twice) should be viewed as more of an honor than anything else. Fullerton opens its regional with St. Louis as odds makers give the Titans the edge in coaching (George Horton over Tony LaRussa).

• SI�s Peter King and Don Banks have already weighed in with their Super Bowl predictions. King sees the Cowboys over the Patriots. If Brett Favre was ever traded to a team coached by Bill Parcells or Bill Belichick, you would figure that King�s heart would explode. Banks is picking the Colts because it�s never to early to go with the chalk pick.

AND FINALLY

Remember how strange Ricky Williams seemed when he appeared bare footed at his return news conference with the Dolphins last year? Its seems like it is becoming a tradition. Click here to read a first-hand account.

715

Remember when Tony Dorsett passed Jim Brown on the NFL�s all-time rushing list in the late 1980s? CBS did not disrupt local coverage with Dorsett updates as he grew closer to Brown. Few even saw Dorsett reach the milestone live. Those who did will tell you that Texas Stadium was not equipped with confetti to celebrate the feat. A feat that would only draw a small blurb in the local newspaper.

You want to know why? He was the second guy to do it. Walter Payton already had the rushing title and�as a general rule�American�s don�t like second place.

Just ask Buzz Aldrin.

So why are ESPN pinheads such as Joe Morgan, John Kruk and other analysts surprised that America doesn�t care about Barry Bonds passing Babe Ruth? They can spend the better part of their airtime talking about what a great accomplishment it is, but nobody is buying it.

This isn�t about Bonds being a bad dude, a wife beater, or a cheat. Sure, those things don�t help, but it�s just not that interesting to be in second place. In a rare instance, Major League Baseball should be applauded for ignoring Bonds this past weekend. Not because the guy is more juiced than the Ferrari that Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. drove in Cannonball Run, but because it is a dull story.

If Bonds could keep his Balco-produced body in shape long enough to give Hank Aaron a run, give us a ring. Otherwise, nobody is interested no matter how badly ESPN wants us to.

The Weak Ender

You really have to feel for Danica Patrick. The world is starting to revolt against women competing in reality TV shows. First Kelly Monaco gets burned in a Dancing With the Stars rematch. Leggy Stacy Keibler can�t even break the top two the following year. Katharine McPhee loses out to George Clooney and Jay Leno�s love child in American Idol�though in fairness the AARP does vote in record numbers so it wasn�t that big of a shock. So expect Patrick�s entry in the IRL to end badly.

Patrick�s participation in the IRL is part of a reality show, right? Because there is no other explanation.

Actually, it seems like the IRL has chosen Patrick to become the Anna Kournikova of open wheel racing and she has. Patrick is still searching for her first win just like Kournikova. But that won�t stop the IRL from having her pose for "sexy" pictures where she looks about as comfortable as your average WNBA player in high heels. (The only headlights in those pictures is the vapid trance-like look in her eyes.) Patrick will be the top story of the Indy 500, despite ranking 12th in the standings (out of nine drivers) and finishing 10th in qualifying.

But hey, she people think she is hot, but others know better. Still, the IRL is going to beat this angle into the ground.

Just imagine if she ever wins a race.

• American Idol prediction: McPhee did a duet with Meatloaf and she will end up looking like the portly singer before her 30th birthday. She�ll be pushing into Kristie Allie territory. Make as much money as you can now, girl.

• Would really like to buy into the notion that the Ducks can rally from a 3-0 deficit to advance to the Stanley Cup finals. The question is, how come this hasn�t happened more times in the past? There have been plenty of teams that have lost the first two games of a series and still come back to win four consecutive games. It just seems like it should happen once in a while. The Ducks are going to win on Saturday night and then the pressure if going to be immense on Edmonton in Game 6. If this thing goes seven games, forget it.

AND FINALLY

Major League Baseball has suspended Michael Barrett for hitting Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski in last week�s brawl. Well, it was a brawl in the sense that Mike Tyson�s first 18 professional fights were brawls and not a savage beat down. The suspension shook the MLB hard, so much so that it reduced Washington manager Frank Robinson to tears when he heard the news.

eBay

Bought an old school Los Angeles Rams warm-up jacket (once owned by John Math) on eBay a couple of years ago. Now the inbox gets filled up with �other items you may be interested in,� most of them pertaining to the Los Angeles Rams like the sweatshirt on the right.

But seriously, what exactly are they selling? Check out the listing. (And no truth to the rumor that the model in the folder is former Rams beat writer Don Seeholzer.)

The highlight is the listing for a book on the history of the LA Rams. Check out the listing to see who the author is. Totally bidding on that bad-boy.

'Lost' link

This morning's column, which features slightly expanded thoughts on "Lost" and a breakdown of the NBC schedule revamp.

Between now and when "Rescue Me" premieres on Tuesday night, I hope to get through a bunch of pilots and offer some brief thoughts. I've already seen a few of the CBS shows, so I may post an entry on them by this afternoon. And if not, happy Memorial Day weekend, everybody; go enjoy some barbecue.

Palmer: A Real Hater

Carson Palmer sparred no details when he laid out his feelings during a recent Sports Illustrated story. Palmer said that he hated UCLA, but not as much as he now hates the Steelers�who he wished will lose every game next season. (Mike Holmgren likely agrees.)

Palmer also lashed out at the doctor who performed knee surgery�Dr. Lonnie Paulos�when he said that the doc likes to hear himself talk and see his name in the paper. (Was this guy on the Real World?)

But his most impressive blast was reserved for former Baltimore/Philadelphia Stars (along with Saints and Colts) coach Jim Mora. The current NFL Network analysts said that Palmer would probably not be ready to start the season. Palmer immediately went to the �He doesn�t know me card� and then asked if this was the same guy who would go on locker room rants about making the playoffs. (He is.)

So we would like to offer these heart-warming posters to Carson Palmer, to hopefully keep up his motivation during rehab.

The Nevermind Broadcasting Company

So, as alluded to in the last post, NBC has completely ripped apart the fall schedule they announced last week and replaced it with this one.

Have to get back to the column, but discuss away and I'll try to answer questions based on Reilly's press conference call as the afternoon moves along.

Nash

Is there anybody who can explain why Steve Nash was allowed to leave the Mavericks and end up in Phoenix? Did they seriously think this guy was not good enough? Mark Cuban does not seem like the type of owner who pinches pennies on his team. Haircuts, maybe. Properly fitting clothing, absolutely. But not his basketball team.

Bill Stoneman gets a bad rap on this board for letting a few players go, but at least his moves seem a little justifiable. Nash, not so much.

This series should be a good one. Maybe enough to even catch a game or two (well, you maybe). The Suns will fold in Game 2, rally to win Game 3, lose Games 4 and 5 before winning the final two. (Sorry Bucky.)

You should have known better. Give the new Hater Nation Forums a whirl. Zach finally figured it out. Benny not so much. Subscribe to The Hater Nation feed, too.

"Lost" finale: where's George Jetson when you need him?

And the Cone of Silence has been lifted on "Lost." Unfortunately, I have to spend the next 30 minutes to an hour on a conference call where Kevin Reilly explains why he ripped apart virtually the entire schedule he announced last week, all to move "Studio 60" away from "Grey's Anatomy," and after that, I'll have to write my column for Friday.

But I wanted to open the floor for comments, starting with my own brief take. My Zen-like state of not needing anything on this explained to me has never been more useful than with this finale, which was complete gibberish and a hell of a lot of fun. In terms of crafting a coherent narrative, Lindelof and Cuse are miles out of their depth. In terms of creating riveting individual moments (Locke snatching Eko's Jesus stick, Desmond with the key) or haunting images (the statue of Homer Simpson's foot, the pile of discarded pneumatic tubes), they are amazing.

I'll try to update with more detailed thoughts later this afternoon, but let the comments and hypothesizing commence!

Always Liked That Kid

Huge Dallas McPherson fans here. Seriously. Ditto for the gritty Jeff Weaver. What a pick-up. That Bill Stoneman, he�s a genius.

Alright, let�s not get carried away. The Internet is great in which your opinion on a person (or team) can change quicker than Paris Hilton changes sex partners. But you can�t let Stoneman off the hook just yet.

The Angels were able to end a six-game losing streak by beating Texas twice. It seemed like the first time the Angels have won a season series since Mo Vaughn weighed less than 600 pounds. More importantly, the Angels pulled closer to Oakland (4.5 games) in the standings.

But remember as the Wolf said in Pulp Fiction, �Let�s not start (expletive) each other�s (expletive) just yet.

Stoneman may look good at the moment by the call-up of Kendry Morales (about time) or the late power surge by McPherson. But that�s even more reason to make a deal to get another stick. The Angels need one more guy who can fill that OF/DH slot, to spell Garret Anderson in the outfield and to platoon with Tim Salmon. Now it is imperative to make a deal instead of sitting on your hands. Still, it looks like things could be turning around.

Of course, if the Angels lose to Baltimore this weekend, Stoneman is a bum, Morales stinks, and McPherson is no Troy Glaus.

There is no joy in Mudville...

... Dave Kingman (er, Katharine McPhee) has struck out. I did a liveblogging-style story for the Ledger, which has been posted here. Feel free to come back here to comment.

In the meantime, how about that Prince? Can't he just perform for two hours straight next year?

Oh, and because I had to cover "Idol" live, I won't get to see "Lost" until tomorrow morning. Cone of Silence, back in effect!

Why Not Give Him the Finger Instead?

Broncos quarterbacks have long been a menace to the general public in Denver. If a quarterback�s wife is not stealing some poor kid�s colon, another quarterback is busy head-butting your driveway.

Now the citizens of Denver are in constant fear of a rogue quarterback driving the city streets running over people in his Hummer Honda Element (seriously?) like the NFL�s version of Mad Max. (Or at least Michael Pittman�s wife.)

Jake Plummer has been summonsed for a hit-and-run driving/road rage incident two days after the NFL Draft. Both drivers have offered conflicting reports on the incident.

Plummer claims that he was in a rush to a charity event after he had discovered a cure for pediatric cancer. Plummer then said that he 'totally forgot the whole cure thing' when he was rear-ended by Doug Stone. Plummer then got out of the car, check for damage, fixed a dog�s broken leg, helped an old lady across the street, signed an autograph for Doug and noted that his tire pressure was a little low.

Stone said that Plummer cut him off in traffic and blared the horn at him. Plummer then got out of his sweet ride, kicked Stone�s truck, burned an American flag, punched a girl scout, urinated on a bible and yelled �Jay Cutler sucks,� as he sped away.

Yeah, we totally believe Stone in this case.

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Alimentary, my dear Wilson

Spoilers for the mind-bending (albeit not as mind-bending as it was intended to be) "House" season finale, after the jump...

First open question: Is there anyone here who hadn't figured out that the entire post-shooting episode was a hallucination long before it occurred to House? Second question: If you figured it out, when? For me, it was as soon as House woke up from his beating of Wilson and Elias Koteas (whose character in the script was named Moriarty, in a nice touch to our hero's inspiration) knew more than he should have been able to observe while lying in a neighboring hospital bed. I probably should have figured it out after House's sidekicks found a way to get him out of his handcuffs and took him out to a Mexican restaurant (and one in a neighborhood that doesn't remotely resemble anything in or around Princeton or Plainsboro), but I suppose I was too impressed by Cameron's sunglasses to notice. (Seriously; those were very cool.)

Once it became obvious that this was all a dream/delusion/holodeck program gone awry, the episode wasn't as much fun as "Three Stories," but there were compensating moments. The exploding eyeball was just about the grossest thing I've seen since... ever. (I've always had a thing about eyeballs, which is one of the reasons I never got contact lenses.) House using the robot surgeon for some foreplay with Cameron was as sexy and as silly as it was intended to be (I laughed and applauded at the end of that scene). And House's mind unconsciously analyzing itself worked as well as "Detox," in that it explained things about the man without fixing them. Which leads me to...

... "Tell Cuddy I want ketamine." On the one hand, I'm a big champion of shows that are willing to shake up the status quo, and I'd be somewhat in awe if the "House" writers took away their hero's raison de cranky. On the other hand, I feel like being without the limp would so fundamentally alter House that either the show wouldn't be as much fun or the writers would feel compelled to have the leg pain return in six or seven episodes. So we'll see. Maybe the line was just a wink at the audience.

What did everybody else think?

Three-legged links

Yesterday was one of those perfect storm days at the office. I came in planning to write a column breaking down some of the best and worst of season finales (basically a Best of the Blog kind of story). Then, as I was a few minutes into watching my tape of the "Alias" finale, I found out that ABC News was having Charlie Gibson replace Elizabeth Vargas behind the "World News Tonight" desk. Ordinarily, I pay little attention to TV news and write even less about it, but with Matt (our news junkie) still out, that one fell on me, too. And as I was bouncing back and forth between the finale story and the Gibson story, my editor strolled over and asked if I could write a live story breaking down the final "American Idol" performance night. Since I was already going to blog it anyway, this wasn't a big issue, but it's still a weird day to have my name in the paper three times.

It Is Still No Fun

Thank God the NFL has finally restored order and smacked down Saints rookie Reggie Bush, who will not be allowed to wear No. 5 this season. It�s a good thing, too. Imagine the slippery slope that would have been created if Bush were allowed to wear No. 5. All hell would have broken loose and guys like Browns quarterback Charlie Frye would have tried to switch to No. 60 in homage to Otto Graham.

Bush had originally stated that, if the league allowed him to wear No. 5, he would donate part of the proceeds to charity. By refusing to go along with Bush, is Kayne West going to say that the NFL does not care about black people? (Bush said that he would still donate a portion of his jersey sales to Katrina victims and his parents hush money.)

Is this really the most important thing the NFL competition committee had to discuss this year? How about taking care of shoddy officiating or other real problems facing the league? It�s humorous that baseball has to fight the stigma of steroids every day. Yet the NFL has 6-foot-8 guys who weigh 400 pounds and run 4.4 40-yard dashes and NFL writers are all bent out of shape about the number a rookie running back should be allowed to wear. (And how great House is this season.)

Priorities, eh?

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Running Numbers

Let�s see if we got this straight. The NBA has a struggling franchise in Toronto, that recently hired one of the league�s favorite sons�Bryan Colangelo�as general manager. And said team just won the NBA Draft Lottery, overcoming a nine percent chance to win the top pick?

Yeah, that is totally legitimate.

It�s nice to see that some traditions of the NBA are still alive and well. The Chicago Bulls just announced that they would be happy with Wayman Tisdale. Just kidding. Not like there is a clear-cut No. 1 in this draft.

But could the league at least try to seem a little bit more legitimate that Vito�s bingo game at St. Angelo�s in the old hood?

When Taylor beat Katharine

Well, that wasn't very close, was it? It's the final performance night on "American Idol," and one of these contestants had to be damn near perfect to win, and she wasn't. In order...

Katharine McPhee, "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree": This was one of my two favorite Kat performances of the season, and a smart choice for her to reprise, but it felt like she was holding back vocally throughout. I've listened to the MP3 of the original a few dozen times in the last couple of weeks, and her voice has this raw, letting it all hang out quality that was completely lacking here. I started to wonder if she was losing her voice during her third performance, but when they showed the dress rehearsal footage during the montage at the end of the episode, it was obvious Kat had already lost it before the show began. Given that, this was better than it should have been, but not a patch on the first time she did it. (Also, good call getting up off her knees; given what was coming next, she didn't want to be known as The Girl on the Floor.)

Taylor Hicks, "Living for the City": This was my favorite Taylor song of the finals, even though he smiled like an idiot through it the first time. He had the goofy grin at the start here, but quickly shut it down once he got moving. Yes, Taylor has three or four moves that he repeats ad nauseum, and yes, he's a predictable doofus, but the boy has stage presence and he understands the limits of his voice much better than Katharine does and makes every note count.

Katharine McPhee, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow": On the one hand, this was far and away the best thing she did all season. On the other hand, she did it last week. Diana DeGarmo did this with "Don't Cry Out Loud" in the season three finals and got killed for it. (Oddly enough, Diana also had a malfunctioning earpiece when she reprised "Don't Cry"; cue the conspiracy theorists...) Given what bad shape her voice was in, this was really quite lovely, maybe even a bit better than last week (if nothing else, her expressions were less smiley). You can argue that she should have done "Someone to Watch Over Me" or "God Bless the Child" or something else we haven't heard in months, but this was her one perfect moment tonight.

Taylor Hicks, "Levon": As my sister points out, this is a song about a rich jerk whose son can't stand him, and Taylor believes "it's about family values." Whatever problem he may have parsing the lyrics isn't apparent when he sings it. We're back with Sad, Quiet Taylor again, and I like this incarnation of him. Not quite on par with "Over the Rainbow," but much closer than Simon tried to make it sound in the hope of creating some suspense for the final round.

Katharine McPhee, "My Destiny": And her voice is just totally gone on this maudlin pile of goo. There are parts where she's just talking, and one painful big note towards the end where she gives up halfway through and looks like she'd just like to go home and watch "The Notebook" on DVD and eat a gallon of Chunky Monkey and pretend like this whole night never happened.

(By the way, no matter how much I hate Randy Jackson for the way he wastes time and oxygen every week, I will always have some affection for the D-A-double-G for his insistence, year after year after year, on pointing out how awful the coronation single is. Of course, when you just signed a contract extension, you're not really at risk, are you?)

Taylor Hicks, "Do I Make You Proud": I can't tell if his song is marginally better than hers, as Randy suggests, or if it's just that Taylor once again manages to apply his personality and bluesy growl to it, but this was a vast improvement, performance-wise. Fantasia's "I Believe" is still the only coronation song performance I enjoyed completely, because of the way she gave herself over to the stupid emotions about rainbows and puppies and balloons, but this is the only other time I haven't wanted to change the channel when a finalist was singing it. And then, just as I've rediscovered my affection for Taylor in his moment of victory, he has to go and dash the goodwill by yelling out "Soul Patrol!" 85,000 times in a row, just in case his fans didn't already understand how much he loves and understands them.

Should win: Taylor. In a walk.
Will win: Only two scenarios in which I can imagine Kat winning: 1)We get another phone line jam like season two and she has more text messages than him; or 2)The tween girls who are the show's dominant voting bloc (and who I'm sure drove Carrie's victory over Bo last year) just can't bring themselves to vote for the funny-looking guy with the grey hair.

I'm writing a live story for Thursday's paper about the results show, which, given the deadline constraints, will have to be written like a liveblogging entry. And since I can't rob from Peter (the column) to pay Paul (the blog), I'll have to come up with something else after I finish the column tomorrow night. (Assuming Taylor wins, not sure I'll have much to say, anyway.) And having to cover the finale live means I won't get to watch "Lost" until the following morning. Sorry.

Sydney goes to Sydney

I will miss "Alias," if only because I doubt any new show will offer up picture possibilities like the one above.

So after skimming through the last two or three episodes in the hopes of getting myself up to speed for the finale, I watched the final two hours and was still completely baffled. "24" makes no sense if you stop to think about it for a minute; "Alias" makes no sense even as you watch it.

Sloane, having just acquired the secret of eternal life, wants to blow up several world capitols just so he can make money rebuilding them? Huh? Why doesn't he just contact Tony Soprano and buy out that heavy equipment leasing company from Johnny Sack? If I were suddenly granted immortality, I think I'd have other priorities beyond blowing stuff up and making money. For starters, I would go eat one of those Pizza Hut pizzas with the extra layer of cheese in the crust, because I wouldn't have to worry about cholestorol anymore.

Overall, the finale felt like a lot of missed opportunities. While I'm sure the producers had been waiting for years to do that "Sydney" location card, they had one last chance to put Jennifer Garner in some ridiculous costume, and they dress her up as a waitress? Really? Couldn't she at least have had to be a waitress with blue hair? Or horn-rimmed glasses? Throw us a bone, man! Please!

While the flashbacks did set up that scene at the end with Syd's daughter, I don't feel like it taught me anything new about the clan Bristow. Couldn't they at least have brought back Danny for one of the flashbacks? Or, even better, couldn't they have revealed that he's been alive the entire time and pulling all the strings, even Sloane's? Wouldn't have been any more ridiculous than anything else that happened.

I did like certain moments in the finale. Jack burying Arvin alive for all eternity (or, at least, until gentrification comes to that part of the world and that cave is excavated to build condos) was about as cool a dying act as I've seen a TV character perform. I will never complain about a Jennifer Garner/Lena Olin brawl. Marshall standing up while captured was a nice moment for him, as was his communicating in code by using the children's books. And Rachel busting out the snake to interrogate Peyton was a lot more effective than the Jack Bauer shout-and-shoot method. (As Rich Heldenfels said to me this morning, "They should bring some of the Alias people over to 24 just so they can say, 'Hey, Jack, have you ever thought about using a snake?'")

Goodbye, strange spy show. You were weird, you were unexpected, and you were a lot of fun for a while there, until the point when it became obvious that there was no there there. Sounds kind of like another ABC drama, doesn't it?

A Poster is Worth...

The motivational poster has now replaced �Calvin pissing� as the new way to express opinions. A new toy has been found. Our work day is screwed. It might be for a long time. Keep checking back for more posters.

What do you want?

First things first, the morning link: And Then There Were Two, my preview of the "American Idol" finale. (Not much you haven't seen here, down to the Katharine=Dave Kingman analogy.)

Second thing second: We have only two days left of the broadcast network TV season, which means potential blog fodder is going to be a lot lighter soon. I know a few of the shows I intend to follow this summer (Deadwood, Rescue Me, Rock Star, probably Entourage), but are there any summer shows you're looking forward to that you'd like to see discussed here? The floor is open for suggestions.

Epidemic

Emergency rooms in Southern California have swollen beyond capacity as millions of sports fans have simultaneously jumped off of two bandwagons�one for the Ducks, the other for the Clippers. Now what are all of those Aliso Viejo soccer moms going to do with those Clippers flags they bought for their SUVs?

The Clips showed about as much fight as A.J. Pierzynski Monday night. What a sad performance.

What is it about Mike Dunleavy and Game 7? At least people will now forget that his Blazers blew that 15-point fourth quarter lead against the Lakers in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals. (Seriously, don�t care if the year is wrong, you know what we are talking about.) Did the Clippers even practice during the week off between Game 6 and Game 7? It was as if Dunleavy was too busy watching the Sopranos instead of actually preparing a game plan.

Oh well. With the Clippers eliminated, the Ducks on the verge of elimination, and the Kings getting ready to start the �diving� era under Marc Crawford, it is safe to again ignore the NBA and NHL.

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24: the last two hours

"24" season finale spoilers ahead, but before we get to analyzing the finale, I thought it might be edifying to do a quick run-through of everything that the characters featured in the above photo have been through since Day 5 began. (I will be mentioning things from the finale here, though, so stop now if you haven't seen it yet.) From left to right:

• Tony Almeida: Watched his wife die in a car-bombing, lapsed into a coma, woke up long enough to attempt to murder his wife's killer, then killed himself after losing his nerve.
• Edgar Stiles: Again failed to get out of the Friend Zone with Chloe, then died during a nerve gas attack on CTU headquarters.
• Bill Buchanan: Oversaw effort to arrest Jack Bauer for assassinating David Palmer, then quickly shifted into support of Jack as he foiled an airport hostage crisis, a gas attack on a mall, and at least one other early crisis I'm forgetting about. Relieved of duty at least once (by Karen Hayes), if not twice (by Lynn McGil); it's been a long season, so apologies if I get it wrong. Anyway, definitely sent home by Karen, then brought in for questioning in the pursuit of fugitive Chloe, then returned to defacto charge of CTU, finally asking out Karen.
• Chloe O'Brien: Woke up after an unfortunate dipping your pen in the company ink moment with a guy who would turn out to be a mole for the president's office, eluded assassination attempt by running through a pedestrian mall, helped Jack foil the airport crisis with the help of the world's most bad-ass PDA, watched Edgar die, helped Jack figure out a way out of the nerve gas crisis, subverted the Homeland Security people until she was placed under arrest, escaped the allegedly high-security CTU headquarters, helped Jack hijack a plane, tasered a drunken asshole in a bar, let Miles destroy the crucial recording, helped Jack retake a hijacked submarine and bring down the President of the United States. Oh, and potentially reunited with her charming British hacker husband.
  
• Jack Bauer: Ah, hell with it. Too much to list, but he started the season pretending to be a construction worker named Frank and ended it a prisoner of the Chinese government. Oh, and in between, he took down POTUS.
  
• Audrey Raines: Thought Jack was dead, found out he was alive, got pissed that he wasn't dead, fell back in love with him, suffered a potentially fatal stabbing from Christopher Henderson but turned out to be okay, thought her dad was dead, found out he wasn't, thought she and Jack would be together forevuh, found out he was missing. Nothing to see here.
  
• Curtis Manning: Deferred to Jack on a whole lot of stuff, and briefly took over CTU when Lynn had his Captain Queeg moment. Miraculously survived being Jack's season-long sidekick.
• Martha Logan: Was crazy, then she wasn't, then was crazy again, went on and off a lot of pills, flirted a lot with Aaron, seduced her husband to delay him long enough for Jack's plan to go into effect, secured the confession that brought down a presidency.
  
• Charles Logan: Was a craven coward, then wasn't, then a traitor, then part of some nebulous, unexplained, illogical conspiracy, got a quickie with his wife, then ran his mouth off and went to jail.
  

And that's not even mentioning long-departed souls like Lynn, or Kim Bauer and her creepy older boyfriend, or the now-you-see-him, now-you-don't villainy of NotCraig Bierko, and... I'm exhausted just thinking about it all.

Anyway, onto the specifics of the finale. A really strong opening with the retaking of the sub (this show never goes wrong when it does straight action) and Jack executing Henderson, then a lull with occasional highlights (Martha asking not what she can do for her country), then a cool ending with Logan in custody and Jack taking the slow boat to Shanghai. After all this talk about season six taking place in a foreign city, who ever would have thought that that city might be in China, and that Jack might have to work as an agent of a foreign government to get out of what he did at the end of last season?

I look forward to Jack spending 10-15 episodes in the middle of the season flying back to LA so he can get back to hanging with Chloe and friends. Or maybe not. That last scene at CTU sure felt like we were saying goodbye to some of these characters for a while, if not forever. I know with 24, anything can happen because the writers make it up as they go along, but if Jack begins the season in a foreign country, he's going to have to spend most of the day there, away from his entire support staff. Could be cool, could get awkward in a hurry, and I'm sure I'll be there come January to see which.

Now that the season's over and I know the latest cliffhanger won't get resolved for a long time, it's time to re-evaluate Logan's heel turn. Does it make any more sense now than it did when they revealed it? Not really. I was hoping that Logan would suffer the Fallacy of the Talking Killer with either Jack or the First Lady, just long enough to explain why the hell he would do everything he did, who was pulling his strings, how long he'd been in place, etc., etc., etc. Maybe the writers will attempt to revisit this next year, with Paul McCrane (who, sadly, did not get drowned in toxic waste) coming back as the bad guy, but the big twist, while providing lots of story fodder for the second half of the season, was one of the cheaper things this show has done since the cougar.

Glad to see Jack's plan didn't really hinge on his ability to get a confession out of the Prez, because while he may be the greatest killing machine in TV history, dude cannot interrogate at all. Once he yells a few times, all he has left is a willingness to maim, which wasn't going to work here. If this were "Homicide," Jack wouldn't even be allowed in The Box. Even Sipowicz had more moves beyond slapping and threatening.

And if the Logan twist was completely illogical, it at least featured two great scenery-chewing performances by Gregory Itzin and Jean Smart. The look on Smart's face as Martha prepared to have sex with the most villainous man in the Western Hemisphere is the stuff supporting actress awards are made of.

What did everybody else think? Where do you think Day 5 stacks up in the show's run? (I watched only parts of 3 & 4, so I can't make a vote on this one.) Which bit of forgotten business from early in the season were you most annoyed they never got back to? Did you buy President Evil? Whose death saddened you most? Whose made you cheer the loudest? Fire away.

It's Game 7

This is why the Clippers acquired Sam Cassell. No really, this was all a part of the master plan. Honestly. The Clippers brought in Cassell to provide veteran leadership during the playoffs.

The Clippers point guard is the anti-Manning�he plays the biggest when the stakes are the highest. Cassell is 5-1 in game 7s during his career. As much as Elton Brand is the best player on the Clippers, Cassell will be the deciding factor.

Hopefully Mike Dunleavy will remember to play him in the fourth quarter.

The Suns have rested up the past couple of days, but how long can they continue to stave off elimination? Phoenix played three elimination games against the Lakers and has been outplayed in nearly every game by the Clippers in this series. Tonight will be the night when the Clippers put it all together and win easier that most people will believe.

In the other game we will miss while bowling�the Spurs will end up routing the Mavericks by about 40 points. Both games tonight will be let downs.

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LA: You Can Keep 'Em

The old clich� says that you can�t fire the whole team. Think they would be willing to make an exception in the case of the Angles?

It�s hard to write off an entire season, especially with the AL West being as bad as it is. But the Angels would have a hard time winning the Big West with Robb Quinlan at first base. Chone Figgins has evolved into a modern day Gary Pettis. And Dallas McPherson combines the injury history of Troy Glaus with the hitting prowess of Rene Gonzales. (Look him up, that was funny.)

But don�t give the offense all of the discredit. The Angels pitching, led by Jeff Weaver and Ervin Santana, deserves some recognition, too. The Angels hitters have struggled so mightily this season, the only thing that might turn them around would be to have Weaver serve up batting practice.

So it has been a team effort. Like Darin Erstad said on Thursday night when Adam Kennedy and Figgins were involved in a slap-fight in the shower, do not point fingers�everybody on this team has sucked. Even Vladimir Guerrero has had lapses where his defense has resembled that of Pedro Guerrero.

Luckily for Angels fans Bill Stoneman is on the case. Remember that huge trade he made that one time? No, not the Kent Bottenfield for Ron Gant deal, the other one. Yeah, nobody can name another deal because he has never made one. You can�t fire the whole team, but Stoneman won�t even try. This weekend was evidence of that. One Los Angeles team has been successful in picking up free agents and promoting rookies who have exceed their building.

Just never figured it would be the Dodgers instead of the Angels.

Batts all, folks!

"The Sopranos," episode 11. From today's review:

Hey, it could have been worse. Fat Dom could have told Carlo to go home and get his shine box.

"The Sopranos" cast has so many "Goodfellas" alums that the writers can't help but pay occasional homage. In season one, it was Christopher shooting that baker in the toe, and last night it was Carlo and Sil's virtual re-creation of the taunting-inspired murder of Billy Batts -- played by smilin' Frank Vincent, the man at the center of this new mess.

This is very, very bad what these two did. Phil can get away with killing one of Tony's captains because Vito was marked for death anyway and because, hey, he's the boss of New York. Even if Tony wanted to go to the mattresses, he doesn't have the manpower to do it. But if/when Phil -- who's wanted Jersey blood since the Tony B. thing -- figures out what happened, he can rain five boroughs worth of fury down on Tony and what the late Carmine called "a glorified crew."

As Tony drove away from Satriale's, you could see him figuring out exactly how much trouble he's in. And after he finished that mental calculus, what's the first thing he did? He called his construction buddy to get AJ a job, because he knows he may not have much time left to straighten the kid out. (The shakycam scene in the garage, where Tony's desire to help AJ battled mightily against his impulse to smash his face through that windshield, was one of James Gandolfini's finest moments.)

And while Tony was realizing how small and vulnerable he is compared to New York, half a world away, Carmela was having her own sense of self smashed to bits. In Caldwell, she may be hot stuff, but when she sees France with all its treasures and history, she realizes she's just another insignificant speck, and that "it all gets washed away."

To read the rest, click here. Then come back to comment.

Small Glimmer of Hope

If you heard that a genetically engineered, steroid-bred thoroughbred had pulled up lame just shy of reaching a career milestone, you would have thought it was Barry Bonds right? Like all of those steroids caused to leg to fall off or something? Instead, it was Barbaro who failed in his quest for the Triple Crown after suffering a life-threatening leg injury.

And unlike a Bonds injury, people were actually concerned about the health of Barbaro.

Bonds did tie Babe Ruth�s mark with home run 714 on Saturday, showing that God really takes this resting on the seventh day thing seriously. But it wasn�t all bad. Tyler Snyder, the 19-year old man who caught Bonds home run ball, redeemed those idiot A�s fans who cheered the accomplishment�by refusing to give the ball to Bonds.

�Hell no, I hate that guy� Snyder said.

Would you ever consider meeting Bonds to let him look at the ball? �Maybe. But I don�t really care for the guy.�

God bless him.

Link for the story: Inside the Bay Area.

Proof God Loves Us

And be honest, he had to do something to make up for the whole Barry Bonds thing.

The Weak Ender

Southern California is swept up in Clippermania, but could the Miami Heat actually be the 21st Century version of the Lakers? Think about it. The Heat has the former Lakers coach (Pat Riley), the former Lakers center (Shaq) and a guard who actually tries to win games (Dwyane Wade).

Add the fact that the Miami Heat dancers (left) are a lot hotter (no 46-year-old dance veterans) and the case is overwhelming.

Steve �The Bish� Bisheff said that the Pistons were a lock for the Finals a few weeks ago, but look at the Heat now. The Heat quietly put away that team they played in the second round (seriously, who was it?) and are going to be well-rested for the conference finals. Detroit has been exposed by a very average Cavaliers team.

The Heat is now the favorite to win the Eastern Conference. And even worse, Lakers fans, there is a very real possibility that the Clippers and Heat could clash in the NBA Finals. Can anybody else imagine Shaq hoisting the NBA championship trophy (does it have a name?) in Staples Center wearing a Heat uniform?

• The Ducks are finally set to begin their conference finals series against the Edmonton Oilers. Can�t wait to see that match-up. Oh yeah, the series will be played on OLN. That means nobody will see game one except for the lesbians who actually get OLN.

• The Pistons and Spurs are both down in their respective series, but there is little doubt they will both win on Friday night, and eventually wrap up the series at home in game seven. It�s been fun, but neither the Mavs or Cavs have much hope to succeed�even at home. Don�t get your hopes up

• Barry Bonds will be attempting to tie Babe Ruth this weekend in Oakland. A�s officials are expecting an over-flow crowd of almost 10,000 people.

• There is something wrong with the world when Russ Springer is given a four-game suspension for having the audacity of pitching Bonds inside. Maybe if Bonds would remove that (as John Lackey would say) kitty-cat pad on his elbow and back off the plate, this would not happen.

AND FINALLY

The Angels held a closed-door meeting following another tough loss against Toronto in which Vladimir Guerrero displayed the fielding skills of Jose Canseco. The Angels hover just above last place as this experiment of trying to blend the spending power of the New York Yankees with the 1990s minor league model of the Indians just isn�t working. Nobody would have blamed Bill Stoneman if he had kept Dallas McPherson, Casey Kotchman and Jeff Mathis in the minors to take another run for a title. Now the Angels are not only left without guys like Troy Glaus who could provide some much-needed power. To make matters worse, do you think there is a trade value for McPherson or Kotchman now? Remember this when OC and Adam Kennedy are let go for two "can't miss" stars.

As if that wasn't a swift enough kick to the junk, the little sisters of SoCal baseball�the Dodgers�are going to have their fun with the Angels this weekend. You have hit rock bottom when Frank McCourt is running a tighter ship.

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Clippers Win: See You Next Week

Seriously.

Why doesn�t the NBA just postpone the playoffs until Kurt Thomas and Amare Stoudemire are healthy and ready to go? The NBA playoffs are now drug out longer than American Idol. We will announce the winner of the division series between the Suns and the Clippers�right after these messages.

The Suns have played something like 13 games in the past 25 days, but whose fault is that? Maybe if the Suns hadn�t fallen behind 3-1 to the Lakers, they wouldn�t be complaining about getting a day off.

But it is the small things like this that remind people why they were turned off to the sport in recent years. Everybody says that the NBA is back and that this postseason is fun. And it is. Little innocuous things, though, continue to bug. Like Sam Cassell mugging for the cameras instead of getting the ball over half-court in eight seconds. And the league still stretches out playoff series to nauseating levels. It�s a cheaper stunt than a two-part finale to Dancing With the Stars (only that show was less rigged than your typical NBA playoff game).

No matter, the Clippers will end this thing on Monday night. And gear up for the conference finals�slated to begin in June.

Odds and sods

The Cone of Silence is lifted, baby! In this entry, in order, the "Grey's Anatomy" finale, "Lost," the latest "American Idol" boot, the CW schedule and "The O.C." finale. (Since it's freshest, it's way at the bottom, so you have plenty of time to slam on the brakes if you haven't seen it.)

"Grey's Anatomy": This three-hour finale illustrated everything I love about this show and everything about it that drives me absolutely freaking nuts. On the one hand, you have scenes like Cristina choking on her big moment during Burke's surgery, or the "Breakfast Club"-inspired series of This Is Who I Am monologues during the inquisition, or Alex finally displaying some humanity after Denny dies. On the other, you have Katherine Heigl being asked to cry -- twice -- and Callie being transformed from a cool, tough woman into quivering mess, and Meredith and McDreamy doing a note-for-note recreation of that painful "Sex and the City" arc where Carrie was cheating on Aidan with Big, and Shonda going so far in trying to exorcise her high school demons (as she admits on her blog) that she has all the characters go to prom, and...

Why must you be so good some of the time, "Grey's Anatomy," and so cringe-inducing the rest?

Here's the thing: Shonda's repeated defense of Meredith is that she wanted to be able to write female characters who are deeply flawed, who are allowed to do the same awful things that male drama characters like Doug Ross or Tony Soprano or Vic Mackey get away with all the time without outraged cries from the audience. And while I do think there's a certain double standard about what people will accept from a woman versus a man, those guys I mentioned are interesting and charismatic and likable enough when they're not breaking hearts and decapitating corpses and killing cops that you're willing to follow them week after week even when they're doing the bad stuff. On those occasions when Meredith's not involved in a plot about her love life (either dealing with her mom or helping out one of the other interns), I do kind of like her, but those moments are so infrequent compared to her constant angsting over McDreamy -- not to mention all those seemingly unrelated storylines that always turn into a metaphor for that relationship -- that I really, really can't stand her. Or him, for that matter. Either be with your wife or don't, dude. Waffling and sneaking off for a quickie with your ex while you're out on a date with the missus is not cool on pretty much any level. And Meredith wins the "You stay classy, San Diego" award for doing the same with McDreamy about 30 seconds after her boyfriend professed that he had finally gotten over the death of his wife thanks to her.

And the notion that Izzie might have gotten off thanks to the interns' "I am Spartacus" tactics just makes my blood boil. If you're going to have one of your characters do something as insane and dangerous as that, you have to have the show treat it as something that insane and dangerous -- you have to be willing to go all the way and either destroy her career or take down all her accomplices in the process. Instead, Webber let himself be bamboozled, and then Izzie took everyone off the hook with her confession.

Again, Shonda has that David E. Kelley thing where the good moments are just so damn good that I'm willing to suffer through the bad ones for a while, but my patience for Kelley usually gets tried by season three. As I said the last time, I get that Shonda is head over heels in love with all her characters and that that devotion no doubt is responsible for how popular the show is right now. But in the long haul, a creator needs some kind of emotional distance from the people they write about, or else things will go sour and self-indulgent in a hurry.

"Lost": Hey, look, another clip show! Oh, wait, it's not a clip show but an incredible simulation! All right! Way to kill time, guys! Like "Grey's," "Lost" is a show that does certain things so well that I put up with a lot of the junk that comes with it, but unless the finale lays a lot of cards on the table -- and I'm talking enough cards for the Brady kids to have a house-building contest -- I may be out. I appreciated some of the added glimpses of The Others, but aside from Miss Clue, did we learn anything significant that we didn't already know? Michael was captured by The Others and blackmailed into freeing Henry? Already figured that out. The Others aren't who they pretend to be? You showed us the fake beards months ago, fellas. Michael really loves his boy but doesn't know much about him? Shock. Shock. There were some nice moments here and there -- Eko suddenly becoming the button's biggest acolyte, while Locke goes back to being the knife-wielding man of action he was early in season one -- but fool me once (the season one finale), shame on you; fool me twice (an equally vague season two finale), and I'm watching Tina Fey's show.

"American Idol": Elliott's a nice guy, and he was Marian's favorite, and it's a shame he won't at least get the runner-up treatment, since I doubt he'll have the post-show opportunities that Chris and Paris will get. But he only occasionally made me do more than shrug and say, "That was nice." And with him gone, we have the unofficial Dave Kingman Memorial "American Idol" Finals, with two singers who swing and miss a lot but occasionally knock one into the vacant lot across the street. Unless there's a phone capacity issue the way there was in season two, I think Taylor wins in a walk, but it's a moot point; given Taylor's rabid cult audience and the producer's high image of Kat, I think we're in for another Ruben/Clay co-winners situation.

My big fear is that they'll follow last year's format, where each finalist has to perform The Single (and I cannot wait to hear Taylor attempt to tackle the latest ode to the Diane Warren catalogue), then another crap-ass original song, and then a reprise of something they did earlier in the season. I know The Single is obligatory, and the encore is nice, I'd like to see at least one fresh, potentially Moment-worthy performance of Taylor and Kat's choosing on Tuesday instead of further proof that the "Idol" songwriting team should be working at Guantanamo Bay and not the Kodak Theater.

After I got back from the CW upfront, I thought about blogging it right away and decided I would rather clean out the TiVo so I could do a bigger post like this. Not much that hasn't already been analyzed to death all over the place, but a couple of observations:

• When Alexis Bledel and Kristen Bell did their scripted online patter about the similarities between Rory and Veronica, it was another stark reminder that Alexis is not a good comedienne at all. If "Veronica Mars" doesn't succeed in its new home, any chance Rory can get into one of those "Dynasty"-style car accidents where she emerges from plastic surgery played by a new, blonder actress?
• It was funny to compare the crowd reaction to the return of "Veronica" and the return of "One Tree Hill." The former was greeted with wild applause; the latter was more like the sound of one hand clapping. If they weren't going to bring back "Everwood," they might as well have sent "One Tree Hill" to oblivion while they're at it. It's one thing to have a schedule dominated by returning shows and another to have one of those returning shows be something only enjoyed by 12-year-old girls hoping to become the third Mrs. Chad Michael Murray. You send a bad message that way, both to the audience and to potential show creators.
• Fienberg (who has a very good "O.C." finale breakdown, in case you don't find mine satisfying enough) has started a plan to have the Kevin Williamson midseason soap "Hidden Palms" nicknamed "Hairy Palms" by everyone he can find. I am wholly on board with this plan; spread the word.

And now, we're coming to "The O.C.," so stop reading if you don't want to know who died. Seriously, just stop. Oh, what the hell, you all know, right?

Look, I wanted Marissa dead as much as the next fan. I've wanted her dead pretty much since Oliver showed up in season one, if not before. The combination of bad actress and wholly unsympathetic character was always a toxic one, and when I started hearing the rumors that Marissa was dying along with Mischa's career (good luck in the movie business, where there are dozens of actresses at least as pretty but with actual ability), I cheered.

But I don't like the way it played out, at all. Ryan has always been and will always be an angsty character. It's his reason for being on this show. But there's a difference between the "Sorry, nice rich Jewish man, for accidentally burning down your father-in-law's model home and getting into fights at every cotillion" kind of angst and the "My explosive temper triggered a series of events that led to the tragic death of the only girl I've ever loved" angst, and I don't see how either Ryan or the show pulls out of this. Julie can still be funny and bitchy after her wrinkly sugar daddy husband dies, but her daughter? Does Summer get over her best friend dying anytime soon? Is Taylor quite as amusing taking Marissa's place in the inner circle? Bah. No good can come from this.

Aside from finally recognizing what a horrible mistake the last two years' worth of Sandy at work stories were and sending him back to the public defenders office, I'm not sure I like any of where next season is heading. If NBC doesn't blink and leaves "Studio 60" in the timeslot, it and "Grey's" are definitely going to get higher priority from me.

Anyway, I think that's quite enough from me, so let's open it up for the comments. And, of course, I'm finally getting back on schedule just as most of the shows I follow have finished their season. Get ready for a whole lotta cable dramas and open question threads in the coming months.