Scrubs: They really like to dance

Spoilers for the return of "Scrubs" just as soon as I get the address of that Joe Piscopo Lookalike Contest...

Turk danced! Turk danced! Turk danced! Okay, so it wasn't as brilliant as the last time, and I don't know for certain that I was directly responsible for the scene (even though I asked the writers to do it, like, seven dozen times over a one-hour lunch), but any time you combine Donald Faison and slightly vintage music video moves, good things happen.

The rest of the episode? Up and down. I wasn't one of the people too put off by last year's drive into wackier territory, but this one felt like everyone was trying too hard for the big return: the random Blue Man Group appearance, the make-up enhanced alt-versions of J.D., Cox and The Janitor, the big stunt where The Janitor turns J.D. into the American flag, etc. There was too much payoff, not enough set up.

And yet my favorite moments all involved the bizarre throwaways: Ted and Keith Dudemeister mixing Pop Rocks and soda, The Janitor pondering a sex change, Alt-Janitor's "I punched a whale," Kim weeping over her brother's death at the hands of a Funky Cold Medina (which reminded me a bit of the Bobby McFerrin sketch from the Alec Baldwin "SNL"), etc. So I'm having trouble putting my finger on exactly what bothered me about this episode, save for the obvious answer that I didn't laugh as much as I often do when I watch the show.

But hell, it's back, Turk danced again, and Cox wore his Z. Cavaricci pants again, so I'm not going to complain too much. What did everybody else think?

The Office: British invasion

Spoilers for "The Office" just as soon as I go play a few holes of Folf...

When I wrote my review of this episode, I somehow missed the memo that this was the one written by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. In retrospect, I should have spotted that, credit-free rough cut or no, because this felt squirmier by at least 10 percent -- or, roughly, the difference between David Brent and Michael Scott.

In particular, the Prison Mike scene made me cringe in a way no TV comedy has since the dance routine that got David canned in the original series. I spend far too much time analyzing the minute differences between David and Michael, and much of those nuances come from the actors. There's a kind of sweaty malevolence that Gervais can pull off without seeming totally loathsome, but that doesn't fit Steve Carell at all; witness how much more uncomfortable it is when Michael pretends to fire Pam than it was when David tried the same with Dawn. The American writers quickly recognized this, and have fashioned Michael's personal brand of cluelessness into a more childlike inability to read a room. Even when he's agressive, it's in such an obviously harmless way that the Scranton people have all learned to tune him out over the years. Screaming in Phyllis' face is just something I would never expect or want to see Michael doing.

That said, I thought our visiting writers did a bang-up job on other parts of the episode, especially the Jim/Andy/Karen/Pam non-quadrangle. Tie between "Also, do you speak Pig Latin?" and Andy's falsetto, Pig Latin "Rainbow Connection" for funniest bit. (I've sung my daughter to sleep with "Rainbow Connection" for years, and I may never be able to get through it with a straight face again, dammit.)

Whatever hurt Pam is feeling over Jim's unavailability, she still has such affection for him that she can admire the artistry in how he sicc'ed Andy on her, and verrry interesting that Jim went out of his way to make Karen an accomplice in pranking somebody else. Clearly, she knows little or nothing about Jim's previous dealing with Pam, else she would start to wonder why he knows so damn much about her. Jim, a bit of advice: in a situation like this, full disclosure is really the only way to go.

Other highlights and thoughts:

• While I had trouble with the Martin subplot overall, I thought it was a nice touch that the hated Toby -- master of conflict resolution -- was the one who was able to calm Michael down and set everyone free without bloodshed.
• I want to know exactly how Martin explained insider trading that convinced Kevin that this is what he does.
• In the British series, the arrival of the merged staff eventually led to David's firing. Here, Michael's nearly halfway towards scaring off all the newbies. What terrible humiliation do you think awaits nursing mom Hannah? (And what office has a Bring Your Infant To Work All Day Day?)
• I quoted it in the review, but once again: "Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish Josh had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake." Also, would it be fair to say that most non-Christians would trust Apollo Creed more than Jesus? I'd certainly trust Apollo to find me a really good bargain on where to eat lunch (most likely at Burger King).

What did everybody else think?

What Alan was watching a while ago

As I mentioned in the comments section for the morning column link, working as a solo critic has cut into my blogging time, and I've gotten weeks behind on commenting on some shows. So, while taking a break from today's marathon of "Sleeper Cell" season two, some quick thoughts on, in order, "Friday Night Lights," "Grey's Anatomy," "Gilmore Girls" and "Dexter," and if there's anything obvious I've left out, we can get a discussion going in the comments. Tally-ho and all that...

Well, turns out NBC didn't show the "Friday Night Lights" homecoming episode out of order, as Tuesday's show clearly took place after the previous one. This wasn't one of my favorite episodes, but even when the show isn't clicking, I can always count on the family dynamics at the Taylor household to keep me engaged. (Taylor had one line about how, contrary to opinion, he does understand women, that I really wish I had written down so I could cite it exactly. The phrasing was very nice.) I would care more about the poor, doomed Riggins brothers and the Street/Lyla/Riggins triangle if the actors playing Riggins and Lyla didn't feel better-suited to "One Tree Hill," and as fair as they've tried to play Street's recovery, him participating in a Murderball scrimmage four or five weeks after he was paralyzed? Huh? I get that it's TV, and that this was around the point where the producers saw the writing on the wall and started cramming as many ideas in as they could before cancellation, but would it have killed them to wait at least until the Panthers season ended?

(On the plus side, NBC is moving the show to Wednesdays at 8 in January, which gets it out of the way of "American Idol" and gives me a Wednesday night show I actually want to watch. Last night's schedule was so barren on every channel that I toggled between "Mythbusters" and the "Clerks II" DVD. But we already talked about Pillowpants and the Listerfiend back in July.)

I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a "Grey's Anatomy" viewer much longer. The turducken-sized Thanksgiving episode had the show firing on all cylinders in a way it hasn't since that time Coach Taylor blew up real good after the Super Bowl, and yet it still bugged the hell out of me. Again, we're in the Denny Duquette area where characters are doing indefensible things that both their friends and the audience are supposed to forgive them for in the name of friendship, characterization, whatever, and I just can't do it. When Meredith shut McDreamy down on the subject of whether she should have ratted out Burke and Cristina, it was close to brick-throwing time again. (Ditto Izzie expecting an apology from George when he had exactly zilch to apologize for, given the history and the current circumstances.) The show is still the show; I'm just at or near my limit for what I'll swallow to get to the good stuff.

Speaking of treasure being surrounded by trash, Paris and Doyle's hip-hop dancing was about the only thing keeping me conscious for most of the latest "Gilmore Girls." I like Michael DeLuise when he has a good script and/or director (notably as Sipowicz Jr.), but take either or both of those away and he's always a half-step away from offensive overacting; my head hurt so much listening to him that I barely even noticed the rest of the Luke subplot, and I've lost whatever interest I may have had in the drawn-out process of Lorelai realizing the mistake she made in marrying Christopher.

If I've been sparse in commenting on "Dexter," it's because the show is so consistent both in what it does and how well it does it, and there are only so many different ways I can compliment Michael C. Hall for acting like a man who's always acting or admire the artful framing of the murder scenes. Things have gotten veddy interesting, however, now that the Ice Truck Killer's identity is known to us, and Sunday's serial killer couples weekend to Dexter's ancestral home was a creepy change of pace. I haven't read the book, but knowing that there are sequels (and that the TV show is going to continue), I have a sense of where things are going. But I look forward to hearing at the end of the season how much the show borrowed from the novel and how much had to be invented for series TV purposes.

Back to watching Oded Fehr get kicked in the nuts a lot. To paraphrase a very wise man, "Sleeper Cell" season one had heart, but "Sleeper Cell" season two has knees to the groin.

Comedy. Ha-ha.

Today's column looks at the four NBC Thursday comedies (and I'll have more to say about them tonight -- Scrubs and Office in particular):

If the sitcom is dead, then how did NBC cobble together a Thursday night schedule with four funny comedies in a row?

Maybe I'm asking the wrong question. Maybe I should be wondering how long NBC will be able to keep this shiny new four comedy line-up -- "My Name Is Earl" at 8, "The Office" at 8:30, "Scrubs" at 9 and "30 Rock" at 9:30 -- together.

After a promising move to Thursdays last January, "Earl" and "Office" have both taken a hit from ABC's new "Ugly Betty." "30 Rock" was a nonentity on Wednesdays earlier this season, and a 40-minute episode two Thursdays ago completely tanked. Previous NBC regimes have jerked "Scrubs" around the schedule so many times that its audience is small enough that the writers now seem to be taking viewer requests on what jokes to use.

But more on that in a minute. The larger issue is that while all four of these comedies have very funny people working in front of and behind the camera, the days of the mass-appeal comedy hit died with "Everybody Loves Raymond" (if not "Friends" or "Seinfeld" before that). "Scrubs" has spent its entire life span as a cult success at best, "Earl" and "Office" seem destined to share that fate, and "30 Rock" is going to be lucky to make it to 2007. As much as I admire NBC entertainment boss Kevin Reilly for resurrecting the two-hour Thursday sitcom bloc that made NBC the dominant power in the '80s and '90s, this feels like a tilting at windmills gesture.

To read the whole thing, click here.

The Roast of Steve Bisheff

Greetings ladies, gentlemen and plastic bobble heads. I am Dean Martin and I am very happy to be here. Because I'm dead. Seriously, you thought Jack Entratter was a stingy bastard, you haven't worked in one of God's show rooms. And for being the creator of heaven and Earth, you think he could add a little heat in the showrooms. I know he's not very found of the devil, but turn up the thermostat or something. That's probably because he has his son running the books.

But enough about that. I am glad to be here, when they said that they wanted me to host a celebrity roast for Steve Bisheff, I immediately jumped out of my seat and said, "Who the hell is Steve Bisheff?" I then went back and read a bunch of his columns, but by that time it was a little too late to pull out of the gig. And hey, it is just nice to get out of Heaven for a change. God my rest on the Sabbath, but he has me booked for three shows in the great big Sands in the sky. It's enough for me to want to turn Jewish. I'm thinking about joining a temple because when they say "High holy days, they mean high holy days." By the way, did you know that President Lincoln was Jewish? Sure, he was shot in the temple. Oh stop it, what�s the matter with you? I'm just trying to have a little fun here, folks.

But get ready folks, we hope to have a good show for you today, as we celebrate the final column of Steve Bisheff in the Orange County Register. And please, sign the petition to enshrine Steve Bisheff's toupee.

Look for this post to be updated throughout the day, as we celebrate the greatness of Steve Bisheff. And now ladies and celebraties (sic), here is our first guest, Lil' Hater.

It�s the end of an era this week.

From Brea to Camp Pendleton, from Huntington Beach's polluted waves to the skanky-smelling air that begins at the border of that (expletive) Inland Empire, slacker workers across Bish County USA will no longer enjoy the soothing feeling that comes twice a week.

You know the drill.

Opening the Bish County Register (which you subscribed to only to make those (expletive) high-school door-to-door sales schleps stop hassling you), noting the lack of actual news on Page 1. Or anywhere in the paper, for that matter. Doing your best to ignore the pathetic attempts at an opinion page. Throwing away the crappy ad supplement. Laughing at the perpetually irrelevant Marketplace section. Finding the ever-shrinking sports section.

And there it stood, proud, well-coiffed, irrelevant: The Bish's column. And then, after a good 10-15 seconds of reading and contemplation, thinking:

(Expletive), this guy sucks monkey (expletive).

It's a tradition passed on from father to son. I'd cut and paste a John Wooden father-son anecdote here from a previous Bish column, but those (expletive) at the Reg have already deleted his online columns. Christ, guys, his body isn't even cold yet. Jerks.

Like I said, it's the end of an era. And we'll miss it.

Because while the Bish covered no new ground, and never brought any new ideas to the table, and seemed to have peaked in the mid 60�s, and had Marv Albert hair, at least he was consistent. He brought the goods. You knew his column would suck, and would be irrelevant, and not particularly timely, and might ultimately make you stupider for having read it, but hey, you still read it.

Because it made you feel better about yourself, to know he sucked more.

Who will step up and take the Mighty Bish�s place at the paper? Youngam? Christ, even NFL Adam's take on who should play Ohio State for the title was better than this dope�s take.

Kevin Ding? Marcia Smith? Some loser surfer named Corky? The dude that only writes in all capital letters on the comments page of this site?

Jesus. Some days I wish I were illiterate.

Thank you Lil' Hater. That was just wonderful. I had no idea that Courtney Love's vibrator could talk. Just trying to have a little fun here folks. We are going to have another guest for you here in a second. It seems that Jack Buck took a wrong turn getting here, posting in the comments section instead. Good God, he's stupid. One time, Jack Buck and I were waiting a stop sign. Jack was driving and he kept waiting and waiting and waiting, finally I said, Jack, what are you waiting for. And he said, the sign to change. I think he might have had a few too many. But we've all been there. One time a cop pulled me over and asked me to walk that white line. I told him I would not walk that white line unless you put a net under it.

Before I get started, just let me say that if I had any idea how much of a pompous (expletive) my son Joe was going to grow up to be, I would have pushed his mother down a flight of stairs when she was pregnant with him. I�m sure the Bish's dad is feeling me right now. It is like being that mother from the Omen. And just like Damien did to his mom, my son killed me. Well, people think I'm dead, but I just went into hiding because my son is such a (expletive). It is like the (expletive)-son protection program.

Just kidding, I�m really dead. In fact, I was laying on my death bed and I was thinking to myself, "Dear God, why are you doing this to me? Why can't you take my son, Joe? Really. Take him will ya? He's a piece of (expletive)."

I walk around heaven these days and people will ask me, �"ey, your son is famous. Who is your son again?� You know who I tell them?

Bin Laden.

Believe me, I'd get my (expletive) kicked if people knew that (expletive) was my (expletive) son.

It figures Joe would do a Holiday Inn ad, too. I guess he gets a discount because of the number of hookers he takes to the place. It�s true. And that lousy (expletive) couldn�t get a deal with Marriott or Hilton. Anybody? Was Howard Johnson already over its budget?

A lot of people like to talk about all of my great calls. The most famous being Kirk Gibson's homerun in the 1988 World Series. But when I exclaimed, "I don�t believe what I just saw," I was actually taking my first look at Steve Bisheff�s head. Good God, it looked like Bea Arthur had shaved her back and dumped it on his head.

Thank you. Wow, and you are right Jack, your son is an (expletive). Did anybody see the retrospective of the Bish's rug through the years. It seems like the Bish's rug is older than many of the high school kids that they are covering. And what inspired Steve Bisheff to grow a beard? I haven�t seen a beard that malnourished and that skinny since Katie Holmes went on a diet. Oh, I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun here, folks.

And now we have a real treat folks, please give a warm welcome for Diamond Dave Lee Roth.

The first time I saw that Rug in the paper I was like, "When the (expletive) did Kevin DuBrow get his own column, man?" Then my body guard Animal's like, "No, Diamond Dave, that's Paul Stanley," and I said, "No baby, it's that kid from the E.T. movie, but he's all grown up with new hair." WOW! WHOA! Whatever, man. The Bish would like you to think that he and Diamond Dave are a couple of real Hannikah Henchmen from back in the day. No sir-ee-bop. Bish did watch Van Halen back in the club days. I remember meeting him � when girls were throwing their bras on stage at the Pasadena Civic Center, I got hit with what I thought was a merkin. What I thought was a rock 'n roll first turned out to be just a wig from a failed music critic at the Herald Examiner. When I quit the booger sugar and my hair started to look like that of one of those albino twins in that Matrix movie, Diamond Dave still kept it real. And now look at me. I got my natural color back and a nice, neat bowl haircut. And after the radio station fired me, Eddie's on the phone again wanting a tour. Uh huh. Next time Bish puts that thing on his dome I want him to think about the Yankee Rose video, "Gimme a bottle of ROGAINE! And a glazed donut! TO GO!"

Sammy Hagar, ladies and gentlemen. What, that was not Sammy Hagar? Well maybe Diamond Dave should lay off the Michael Anthony diet plan. Start taking drugs again, Dave. Now that you have failed in all three mediums of music, television and radio what is there left to do? Maybe you and Michael Richards can tour together.

And speaking of merkins, that rug on the Steve Bisheff's head is so bad, even Bea Arthur wouldn't wear it for a merkin. Oh come on, I�m just trying to have a little fun here, folks.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a surprise guest for you right now. He's been out all night partying with Steve Bisheff, put your hands together for Danny DeVito.

What they hell are you guys looking at? Put down those lights, too damn it, it's late out. I'm hear to talk about my good friend Steve Bisheff. People always ask me if Steve Bisheff's hair is real. I said hey, it could have been worse, he could have hair like my wife Rhea Pearlman. You might be surprised to find out that the hair around her (expletive) is straight. True story. I figured the first time I got her naked I would hear "welcome to the jungle" and see Gene Schalit or Gabe Kaplan or something done there. But it was as straight as Clay Aiken.

Anyway, I do want to share one story about Bishy. We were guests of the White House one time and we cruised the beltway, picking up chicks, and took a couple of hookers back to the Lincoln bedroom and went to town. Bishy was drinking Tequila Rose like it was water. Bishy then pulled his rug off and attached it to his chin and started running around the White House telling people that he was Sigmund Freud. I just hope that it was Bishy who was with me. And those hookers were women. In any event, we shared that one thing that one time and I�ll never forget it. So good luck Bishy, you son of a (expletive). Ow, my head.

People think I like to drink. I don�t drink as much as people think I do. If I drank as much as people thought, I would be dead by now. Oh wait, bad example. But the great thing about heaven is that you can drink all you want. Even when I�m sleeping. In heaven, you can put booze in a humidifier, so when you wake up, you inhale and you have it made. Why I woke up this morning and hit the floor only once. Anyway, thank you Danny. You have now surpassed Tommy Lasorda as the world�s most annoying Italian. Tommy couldn�t be here today, but he did send a video message about The Bish. Tommy let's you know how he feels about The Bish. You can view it here. But let me warn you, we could not edit the profanity on this clip, so watch it at your own peril.

Hey, who knew this was a telethon? Who do you think I am, Jerry Lewis? Just kidding, he quit show business a long time ago.

But we have another performer. You might have known him from "All Dogs Go To Heaven," but I will always know him as Mel from Alice, say hello to Vic Tayback!

I had the chance to see Steve Bisheff�s first column. It is still hanging on the cave where it was painted on. He talked about how to appreciated the ice age, you had to be around for the Mesozoic era.

Little known fact, Steve Bisheff�s first column paid him in fire.

And his rug wasn�t an endangered species yet, either.

Steve Bisheff was given a standing ovation during the USC/Notre Dame game after it was announced that it was his last event he would cover for the Register. It wasn�t a show of respect. It�s the fact that nobody wanted to sit next to him. Not to say he didn�t have any personality, but it must have been like sitting next to Terry Schiavo with a dead ferret on her head.

What, too soon?

They said that The Bish�s career took off like a rocket. Yeah, if Christa McAuliffe was driving. Think about it. I guess that is what happens when you start taking career advice from Dennis Miller and Mel Gibson.

They say that Steve Bish was perfectly suited for Orange County. And he was. His style was as bland as the beige stucco on the endless tract homes that sprung up during his reign of error.

Godspeed Bish.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you had a wonderful day today. This was really special. I know some of the boys here tried to get Steve Bisheff to stop by today and speak to his fans, but it appears that the Bish does not condescend to talk to his millions of Bishoholics. Before I go, I�d also like to recognize some of the celebraties (sic) who are here tonight. Norman Fell, Henry Silva, Telly Savalas, and Dom DeLuise, please take a bow. And to all of our presenters, you did a fabulous job. Thank you very much.

Remember the words of Joe E. Lewis who said, you are not drunk if you can lay on the ground without holding on! Good night.

I used to like David Caruso...

Endless CSI: Miami one-liners. Have fun counting the number of times he doesn't flip on the shades.

Great Commercial

You have to figure that most NFL players enjoy being immortalized on the Madden video games. Well, everybody except for the Colts Dallas Clark. As you have probably seen dozens of times on your typical NFL Sunday, Clark is the guy getting blown up by two Eagles defenders in the Madden commercials�much to the delight of the gamers.

Clark isn't so amused.

"I'm upset about it. It makes me look like a punk. Everyone is talking about my face and my grunting and the noises that I make. It sounds like I'm dying. I want to know why the people picked me. If they come and ask me, 'Hey, we�re going to make you look bad, is that OK?' but they didn�t ask me."

Actually Dallas, you would be surprised to find out that probably 90 percent of NFL watchers don't even know who you are. Which leads to another point and that is that the Madden people really missed a marketing coup. Yeah, if they were going to use anybody, why not somebody everybody would enjoy seeing lit up, like Terrell Owens, Keyshawn Johnson or Randy Moss? Heck, if you were going to opt for a member of the Colts, why not everybody�s favorite pitchman Peyton Manning? The one commercial Manning doesn�t do.

Veronica Mars: Thank you, sir, may I have another?

Spoilers for the "Veronica Mars" rape story finale just as soon as I try to figure out who that funny brunette in the "Ask me about my STD" t-shirt was supposed to be...

And so we've come to the end of our first "Veronica" mini-mystery, and I'm mostly happy. There were the usual scares as Veronica faced the big bad, but not in a way that copied either "Leave It to Beaver" or "Not Pictured." All but one castmember (Lamb) appeared, and all but one of the rest (Weevil) played a significant role. Rob and company played as fair as they could with the identity of rapist(s), though with only nine episodes to play with instead of 22, they had to toss out some very crucial information very quickly.

In particular, the relationship between Mercer and Moe and how it was forged during their own stint in Professor Homer's Stanford Prison Experiment had only one hint prior to this episode, way back in "My Big Fat Greek Rush Week." I quote Couch Baron's TWoP recap of the scene:

Wallace tells Moe that he can't be there because of the experiment, and Moe replies that he did it the year before [...] and says that it's pretty intense. He gets an odd look on his face as he adds, "It's, like... life-changing." He pauses long enough before leaving to prompt "Buh?" looks from Wallace and Veronica.

Maybe it wouldn't have felt so out of left field if we had been able to see more of Horshack and Rafe, the freshman class's equivalent of Mercer and Moe (albeit without all the rape-y badness), but the bit about Horshack helping Rafe cheat happened off-camera, and as far as I know, the first time we knew Mercer did the Experiment was when Veronica saw the picture of him and Moe in their respective costumes. (And even there, it had been so long since I saw the episode that all I noticed was Mercer and Moe and not their costumes; the backstory didn't click in my head until Mercer slapped Moe and said, "Stop blubbering, prisoner!")

That aside, there were a couple of other nagging issues, but nothing that troubled me overly. First, how could it not have occurred to Veronica sooner (like back in the episode where she exonerated Mercer) that it's possible to pre-tape a radio call-in show, how could it have not occurred to the cops to ask (Lamb's a smug ass, but not an idiot), and how could no one at the radio station have noticed that Mercer often wasn't in the studio when his show was airing? Second, if Moe was too squeamish to do anything but bait and shave Veronica's head, who committed the rape when Mercer and Logan were having their Light My Fire trip south of the border? Did Mercer order Moe to do it to give him an alibi (which turned out to be useless after the motel fire), or was that one of the Lilith House women doing a copycat fake? As Veronica asked last week, exactly how many of the rapes were real?

I like the role that Parker played in rescuing Veronica this time. Given the nature of the plot, Veronica almost had to get drugged at some point, which also meant she needed some saving (unless she has a mutant healing factor we haven't been told about), and it felt appropriate that it was a former victim -- and that Veronica managed to get her licks in with both Mercer and Moe before the GHB completely got to her.

We'd been heading towards the Veronica/Logan split practically since the season started. Good as Jason Dohring is at the puppy dog eyes, I hope he doesn't have to keep at it for too long. The thing is, Veronica does let people help her, as we saw when she recruited Wallace, Piz, Mac and even Moe (whoops) to assist at the Pi Sig party. It just has to be on her terms, and she has to clearly be in charge, and Logan's not having that. He wants to be Veronica's savior, not her sidekick. Nice closing touch with him getting himself thrown into a locked room with Veronica's attackers, though at what point is he nearing his third strike?

Meanwhile, Rob quite cleverly threw the start of the new mystery into the tail end of the first one. A few weeks ago, I dismissed Dean O'Dell as a serious rape suspect because "I think it'd be a waste of Begley and a good character who could be around for several years to dispense with him in nine episodes." Show's what I know: they find a way to get rid of the guy without making him the rapist, or even seriously discussed as a suspect. Sigh... I liked the guy, but now it's on to guessing whodunnthis. I think the Lilith women were busy throwing eggs outside, so that leaves his wife, Dr. Landry and the influential (and mobbed-up?) alumnus who bullied him into reinstating the Greek system.

So what did everybody else think? Satisfying conclusion or not?

Big, Boys

Open thread for discussion of the debuts of "Big Day" and "My Boys." I liked 'em; how about you?

More BCS Mess

Imagine if last year the NFL had reasoned that since Carolina had been so besieged with injuries, that they were going to face the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. The Panthers were without running back DeShaun Foster, and hey, they had to play the Seahawks on the road. It would only be fair to allow the Panthers another shot at the Seahawks on a neutral field right? Besides, the Steelers lost to the 6-10 Baltimore Ravens, so they didn't deserve to be in the Super Bowl.

You would all be in favor of this right?

Well, the people supporting Michigan for the BCS Championship Game probably would. The idea of Michigan getting a rematch with Ohio State is as lame as granting the loser of the AFC/NFC Championship Game another shot in the Super Bowl.

Michigan and Big 10 apologists feel that the Wolverines deserve another chance because a.) the game was close and 2.) Michigan had to play at Ohio State. First of all, if you felt that Ohio State was ever in danger of losing that game, watch it again. The Buckeyes were in control of that game throughout and Michigan's final touchdown only mattered to those who took the Wolverines and the points. As far as the home field thing goes, quit crying. It cycles in year after year. Besides, if you are going to grant Michigan a rematch, when is Wisconsin going to get its rematch? The Badgers played Michigan close, and you had better believe that if that game was at Camp Randal Stadium, things would have been different.

And Wisconsin did not lose to Ohio State, meaning they should be in line for a shot over Michigan. Right? Of course not. You know why? They lost to Michigan. Just like Michigan lost to Ohio State.

The bottom line is, if you don�t win your conference, you don�t deserve to play for the championship. Just like you can�t reach the Super Bowl without winning your conference, the same should apply to the BCS championship game. Sorry Michigan, you had your chance and you lost.

Time travelling

Spoilers for, in order, "How I Met Your Mother," "Heroes" and "Studio 60" just as soon as I have a flashback, a flashforward, an in media res opening and then another flashback...

Fun With Unchronological Storytelling #1: "How I Met Your Mother," which is already one huge flashback, sneaks in a "one year later" coda that, among other things, establishes that Marshall and Lily will be married and Ted and Robin will still be dating a year or so from now. The former's not a shock at all, while the latter is a mild but not unpleasant surprise. Since this season has been consistently funnier than season one, it's fair to say that Ted and Robin as a couple hasn't hurt the show at all, and keeping the focus of Ted's mopey quest for The One leaves more room for Swarley and slap bet-style hijinks.

Overall, this one wasn't as legendary as the last few weeks (after "Slap Bet," I was starting to wonder if it had eclipsed "The Office" as my favorite comedy), but a nice spotlight on Barney that wasn't really awkward even with the NPH's recent uncloseting. Frankly, I was more distracted by flashbacks to Wayne Brady threatening to choke a bitch. "Singles stamina" was another good, observant concept, though I wish Marshall could regain his stamina just long enough to dance again, dammit.

Fun With Unchronological Storytelling #2: When TV shows do flashback episodes to events that happened before the pilot, there's a tendency to cram every significant event in each characters' backstory into the span of a couple of days. ("The Shield" did this a few years ago, and it was one of the few bad "Shield" episodes ever.) "Heroes" was definitely guilty of this, but it was still a very strong episode, arguably better than last week's This Is The One You've Been Waiting For confrontation between Peter and Sylar.

Sylar's origin story (and confirmation that Sylar does, in fact, steal people's powers along with their brains) and Hiro realizing the limits of his powers were obviously the big events, but I feel like we also filled in some good blanks about Nathan (who once upon a time was capable of doing the right thing without too much agonizing, and who flew for the first time as a literal flight-or-fight response that he couldn't control) and Niki, and continued the character rehab Claire started getting last week (showing that she never wanted to be a bitchy cheerleader).

(One completely anal fanboy nitpicky question that nagged at me as I tried to fall asleep: if Hiro teleported back to present-day Tokyo and had to take non-super transportation back to Texas, wouldn't someone in airport security or Customs on either side of Pacific at least raise an eyebrow over him making two Japan-->America trips in a short period without any record of his return to Japan? Again, not a big deal, but it kept me up a few minutes, so I felt I had to share.)

Not So Much Fun With Unchronological Storytelling: "Studio 60," which trotted out one of Sorkin's more tired narrative devices of beginning in media res, then skipping back to show how we arrived at this pivotal moment. John Wells has beat this one into the ground, too, and Sorkin just did it with the first part of "Nevada Day," and unless he finds a way for the flashbacks to completely alter our interpretation of what we saw in the present, I don't want to see him do it again for a long, long time.

On the plus side, it looks like Sorkin finally found a way to use Mark McKinney as something more than a glorified researcher. I liked him as the unfunny comedy guru, though the contrast would have been more effective if the Matt or Lucy or Darius ever seemed remotely funny -- or even just excitable -- most of the time. (Among the many "Studio 60" elements I've grown to hate: the way that characters will read scripts completely stone-faced, then declare, "This is really funny." If you want to demonstrate how funny it is, have you thought of laughing?) The decision to keep working on a hostage-themed sketch even as the Grosse Pointe thing kept going and going and going felt odd -- even if the situation ended without bloodshed, why did the cell phone minutes story have to be done as a hostage situation?

Elsewhere: The Howie Mandel monologue wasn't significantly lamer than your standard "SNL" monologue that has no joke outside of using elements of the host's famous show/movie. Suzanne the PA continues the transition to NewDonna that a lot of the Sorkin-ites assumed when she asked Matt in the pilot if he was here to save them. Sorkin again loses any credibility on his "these characters aren't really based on real people" story by making Jordan the victim of a newsmagazine takedown that sounded an awful lot like Lynn Hirschberg's "Jamie Tarses' Fall, As Scheduled" from the NY Times Magazine.

And we discover that Harriet Hayes, comedy goddess, whose role as co-anchor of "News 60" is entirely dependent on her ability to deliver a basic punchline, cannot, in fact, deliver a basic punchline. Sorkin, he of the plagiarism-is-evil attitude, owes either an apology or some royalties to Dennis Palumbo, Richard Benjamin, Mel Brooks or whoever wrote the scene in "My Favorite Year" where Benjy the Jewish comedy writer tries to teach K.C. the uptight WASP how to tell a joke, including the use of the "the duck says 'Get this guy off my ass'" gag. (And the next time, Sorkin may want to pay closer attention to that scene, as he uses "A man" and "a doctor's office" when Benjy clearly explained that "This guy" and "a psychiatrist's office" are both funnier.)

What did everybody else think?

Girls will be boys

This morning's column deals with TBS' "My Boys" and the rape finale of "Veronica Mars." On the former:

P.J Franklin has a gender identity crisis. A sportswriter who covers the Chicago Cubs, she's a switch-hitter of sorts: She looks womanly, talks manly. A pretty, outgoing blonde who knows her way around a makeup case, she's most comfortable hanging out with her all-male posse of friends, playing poker, drinking beer and talking sports. Put her into a romantic situation, and both she and the man tend to get confused about who's who.

At the end of a first date, she gets handsy with the guy, and after assuring him that she doesn't expect any kind of cuddling or emotional connection afterwards, he freaks out, insisting, "Guys act like that! Girls say things like, 'Wait! Why is this happening so fast?'"

PJ is the lead of the new comedy "My Boys" (10 & 10:30 p.m., TBS), and like its heroine, the show borrows from both sexes. It's a relationship show in the vein of "Sex and the City," but also one that a man can watch without feeling like he's just taking one for the team.

And one paragraph on "Veronica" that you should keep an eye on:

The streamlined approach has turned out fairly well so far, but with some bumps. Despite only running nine episodes, the rape storyline still followed the season-two pattern of dragging in the middle, and while there's been enough time to lay out a half-dozen or so legitimate suspects, some important clues flew by in a hurry. (In particular, anyone who has easy access to previous episodes may want to rewatch the second one before they get to the rape finale, and that's all I have to say about that.)

To read the full column, click here.

Mike Vick's "Bird" Form

It just seems a little too feminine. What, with the thumb out and everything. This seems more manly right here. What is the proper form to give somebody the finger?

Idiot Kicker Released

Mike Vanderjagt will be released by the Dallas Cowboys and replaced by, wait for it, Martin Gramatica. Great free agent signing, there. Not Gramatica, but all of the money Dallas threw at Vanderjagt in the offseason. That is going to set Jerry Jones back a couple of face lifts.

And really, how far has your career fallen when one of the Gramatica brothers is a more viable alternative? Maybe Vandy can make another David Letterman appearance.

Wire week 12 talk for the On Demand'ers

Talk about episode 12, "That's Got His Own," here.

The Post Mortem

Birth of a Dynasty

The Patriots rose to prominence on the wings of a "tuck rule," as they turned a controversial call against the Raiders into three Super Bowls. Could the Chargers do the same with Vincent Jackson's illegal forward pass? You really have to hand it to referee Mike Carey, whose strict interpretation of the rules was as baffling as it was rewarding to the Chargers. Like he went to the Greg Brady "exact words," card. A forward pass? Even Vince Young's throwing motion isn't that bad. And really, if you are going to be that literal with the rules, shouldn't Jackson have been flagged for intentional grounding?


While it was great to screw the Raiders, the call really let Jackson off the hook when he shouldn't have been. You would think that being around LaDainian Tomlinson day after day would give you a little humility, but you would be wrong in Jackson's case. LT is closing in on the all-time single-season scoring record, but he doesn't celebrate after touchdowns. And here�s Jackson, spiking the ball, err, illegally passing forward, after a 13-yard reception. Against the Raiders. Not only are you taunting after a first down, you are doing it against one of the worst teams in the league. Stay classy, Jackson.

BANDWAGON STOP

Look for the national media to jump off the Chargers bandwagon after that performance. But this was a perfect letdown game for the Chargers, who won tough come-from-behind games at Cincinnati and Denver. Playing down to the Raiders level was inevitable. Especially since the team had benched Marlon McCree, Luis Castillo and Keenan McCardell. It was like the Chargers just had another bye week. Which games against the Raiders generally are.

IT COULD BE WORSE, YOU COULD BE THE GIANTS

Tiki Barber, Jeremy Shockey, et al, have taken their shots at Giants coach Tom Coughlin this season. It was refreshing to see Coughlin throw the Messiah under the bus following the Giants 21-point meltdown against the Titans. The (expletive) Titans. Coughlin questioned Eli Messiah for his game-crippling interception deep inside Titans territory that set up the game-winning field goal.

Maybe it is time to question whether the Messiah is really Rick Mirer reborn.

Coughlin, of course, is not going to survive the season because nobody questions the Messiah and gets away with it. Look for Archie Manning to be installed as the Giants coach for 2007.

THE BCS MESS

USC moved into the No. 2 spot in the BCS, where they belonged. Michigan might be the second-best team in the country, and it is understandable that they would be pissed not to be in the championship game. Is Michigan better than USC? We don't know. But know what is certain? Michigan is not better than Ohio State. So somebody other than Michigan should get a shot at Ohio State.

Any hey, maybe Michigan will get that shot if USC is upset by UCLA. Try saying that with a straight face.

• Before Raiders fans start, the tuck rule was interpreted correctly. Is the rule stupid? Absolutely. But the NFL told the 2001 playoff teams that the tuck rule was going to be enforced. Bad rule, correct call.

• You knew the Raiders were going to find a way to lose the game. At least the bad call gives them something to complain about during the offseason. Yes Raiders fans, you were this close to beating a playoff team. Congratulations. Art Shell has restored the greatness of the Raiders.

• Boise State had better win the Fiesta Bowl appearance or your college football expert is going to be might chagrined.

• It looks like Mike Vick has taken some Jake Plummer etiquette lessons, after flipping the bird to the Georgia Dome crowd. And like Plummer, Vick will soon likely find himself out of a job. A lot of the blame should be on the Falcons receivers. But they see so many errant passes, they can�t handle it when one actually hits them in the hands.

• The Chicago Bears are the NFC version of the Denver Broncos. Rex Grossman makes Plummer seem credible by comparison. You think the Raiders offense is bad, the Bears are just playing three-flies-up, waiting for a pass interference call.

• (Expletive) the Panthers.

• Are we ready to live in a world where J.P. Losman is considered clutch?

AND FINALLY
Arizona State fired coach Dirk Koetter and it was the right move. The Sun Devils have been too inconsistent and unable to beat ranked teams. There is no excuse for this. ASU should be one of the top programs in the country, based on facilities, weather, no academic standards, etc. And Koetter's failures at ASU should be a warning to coaches such as Bobby Petrino and Rutgers Greg Schiano who have been rumored to take more high-profile jobs.

Big Day, pretty decent show

Today's column is a review of "Big Day," which premieres tomorrow night on ABC:

A wise man named Melvin Kaminsky once said, "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."

"Big Day," a new series set entirely on the day of a young couple's wedding, understands this concept fundamentally. Anyone who's ever been dumb enough to get themselves involved in planning a lavish wedding (he says while raising his hand sheepishly) no doubt has nightmares about fights over which second cousins to invite, exploding budgets, pushy caterers, etc. To you, that was terrible. But "Big Day" makes those things happen to other people, then multiplies them by a ridiculousness factor of five.

So we have an argument between father and daughter over the groom's decision to walk down the aisle to the theme from "What's Happening!!," a wedding in a neighboring town that's cornered the market on both photographers and romaine lettuce, two ushers with respective crushes on the bride and groom, a tent that's useless against both the rain and wind, and a wedding planner who always looks five seconds away from taking hostages.

Marla Sokoloff from "The Practice" is Alice, a semi-spoiled princess whose only protection from turning into a Bridezilla is the presence of a Momzilla, Jane (Wendie Malick, perfectly nasty as always). Josh Cooke is the groom, Danny, an arrested development case who still works at the camp where he and Alice met as kids. The camp is also where the two of them met best man Skobo (Stephen Rannazzisi), a hound dog without a conscience who sleeps with Alice's sister Becca (Miriam Shor) the night before the wedding and wakes up to realize she accidentally drank his contact lenses, leaving him without glasses and with "the eyesight of, like, a newborn kitten."

To read the rest, click here.

The Wire, "A New Day": Tomb raiders

Spoilers for "The Wire" just as soon as I geek out and do a complete Wire/Lord of the Rings character parallel flowchart...

"This is a tomb. Lex is in there."

Well, halleh-damn-lujah! Finally, finally, finally, Lester figures out about the vacants. And it was so much sweeter because we had to wait so long for it -- through Lester spending several episodes wondering where all the bodies are, through him looking everywhere in town but the vacants, through Herc putting his hands on the nail gun and still not getting it, etc., etc., etc. You have to be extraordinarily patient to love this show, but Simon and company understand the virtues of delayed gratification.

While Omar, Bubbs and Bunk are flashier, slightly more obvious choices, Lester has always been at or near the top of my favorite characters list. It was a pleasure to see him using that great brain of his for something other than assembling dollhouse furniture. You could tell that he had mentally checked out during his most recent stint in Homicide, and then Daniels went and gave him a reason to care again. Two beautiful nearly-silent Lester sequences: him reopening the MCU (along with the intercuts of him opening the subpoenas with the people in those files being introduced to Tommy), and, obviously, him walking through that vacant lot, walking stick in hand like some kind of Biblical wise man, finally figuring out what Marlo was doing with the bodies. (This was punctuated beautifully by Bunk's "Ah, fuck me!" Lester's the smarter member of that team, but not by very much.) It pains me to think of how much progress he could have made on Marlo, Chris and Snoop if it wasn't for Rawls and Marimow.

This being "The Wire," of course, we have to get about 17 bad developments for every good one. So while Tommy and Daniels are sprinkling fairy dust through the city, Michael is going more fully to The Dark Side, Randy's secret is out in the open, Dukie is about to be expelled from the safety of Prez's class, Bunny's class is being shut down, Bubbs and Sherrod continue to take beatings from their nemesis, Burrell is weaseling his way back into power, and Tommy is getting hit with a $54 million dinner check from the school board.

First, we have Michael snatching The Ring from Officer Walker, and in a manner that even Namond considers reckless. (Namond wouldn't have the nerve to try anything, but he'd talk like he did.) I'm assuming he got the gun from new mentor Chris, and you could see how dismayed Chris was to learn that his protege had stuck up for snitching Randy.

Meanwhile, Randy and Dukie are both good and rightly screwed, just in different fashions. It nearly broke my heart when Randy whimpered, "I'm not a snitch" after his beating, and especially when he asked Prez if calling the cops would make things better, when Prez's face showed that it wouldn't. (I know Carmelo Anthony -- he of the infamous cameo in the "Stop Snitching" DVD -- is a big fan of this show; maybe witnessing Randy's plight will make him and others realize that treating snitching as a crime far worse than murder is completely insane. But probably not.)

Poor Dukie, who was finally blossoming in Prez's class, gets banished from the place where his friends are, where his own mentor is, where his computer is, etc., as some kind of unwanted reward for getting good grades. Is a teacher at the high school going to let him sit at the computer all day? Give him a spare lunch? Launder his clothes? Maybe, but the look on Dukie's face suggests that teachers like Prez are rare indeed.

And how's Namond supposed to deal away from Bunny's guidance? The move to shut down the special class isn't a shock, given how characters on this show are so afraid of any change in the way of doing business, but damn. With Bunny, Namond almost seems like a normal kid who's never so much as walked past a corner; away from him, and with the pressure from his evil mom, he could be heading Michael's way.

Over at City Hall, Carcetti has one of those two steps forward, eight steps back episodes. He may be getting short-term results from some of the city agencies (and not to Ervin Burrell: that was actual "quality of life" improvement happening there), but that kind of trick doesn't have any ongoing currency unless he can weed out most of the complacent management. And despite the sales pitch to McNulty, Santangelo and the rest of the Western, I don't know that he has the stones or political muscle to really do it. He's already inching towards keeping Burrell in power. If they can work out some deal where Burrell handles the political stuff and leaves everything else to Rawls, and eventually Daniels, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but it's a sign that Tommy's plans for reform only can go so far.

After the two big Lester scenes, the highlight of the episode was the latest confrontation between Omar and Prop Joe, complete with another theatrical exit gesture by Omar. (If I thought I had the coolness to pull it off, I do believe I would be throwing around, "Now go ahead and write my ticket so I can tip on out" at the dry cleaner, restaurants, etc., etc.) As bored as Renaldo has looked doing surveillance the last couple of weeks, he was eating up his man's showiness in that scene. That's why they get up in the morning -- and why they occasionally have to go to the bathroom in a stolen cab.

Some other random thoughts:

• Those scenes where Bubbs' nemesis beats on him were hard enough to watch the first time, but going back and revisiting every episode for the purpose of these reviews, I keep having to resist the urge to just fast-forward through them. It's like the guy doesn't even exist; he's a nightmare come to haunt Bubbs and Sherrod. Just brutal.
  
• Il Returno de Cheese! Good to see Method Man back in action. Really hard-core fans may notice that Cheese and Randy both have the last name Wagstaff, and Randy's bio on HBO.com begins with this: "Having lost his mother to the streets at a young age and having never known his father, reputedly an eastside corner boy who later became a major drug trafficker..." Hmm is all I can say for now. Hmm.
• How much of Bunk and Lester's good cop/bad cop routine with Herc and Prez was genuine anger on Bunk's part, and how much was play-acting? I lean towards the latter, especially with the way Bunk was able to turn on the charm and get Prez to give them the info they needed on the way out the door.
  
• Good: Tommy quotes "Bull Durham." Bad: he quotes the "announcing my presence with authority" line, which implies he identifies more with Nuke than Crash. Maybe it's one of those short guys envying the tall guy things.
  
• Another hmmm: McNulty and Bodie are suddenly lunching together, talking shop, realizing they share a hatred of Walker, etc.
  
• Hell hath no fury like a Rawls scorned, does it? Tommy would have been much better off not stringing him along quite so much, methinks.
• Carver looked especially pained at learning the results of giving Randy to Herc instead of Bunk.
  

Lines of the week:

• Donut and Randy on planting condoms in Walker's car: "That'll send a message." "Yeah, but what kind?"
• Tommy after meeting with the ministers: "Yummy! My first bowl o' shit!"
• Omar offering toilet paper to Renaldo: "Whether you squat in an alley or sit on a porcelain throne, don't really change the moment, now, do it?"
• Bunk telling Daniels what Homicide needs: "More women! Loose women!"
• Dukie surveying the aftermath of Michael's brawl: "Guess them books are good for something."
• Kenard, on the subject of Namond's new 'do: "Man, do I look like a faggie?"

What did everybody else think?

Even Raiders Week Sucks Now

There is no bigger testament to how far the Raiders have fallen than the fact that the team is coming to town and nobody cares. Even local knives salesmen have not seen their normal sales spike that typically accompanies a Raiders visit to the Murph. Even the notoriously myopic Raiders fans have started to come to the conclusion that the Raiders are horrible. Begrudgingly, of course. There were still some holdouts, like Japanese soldiers living in seclusion 40 years following World War II. But those exceptions are now rare. Yes, even the most ardent of Raiders fan now recognizes that their team is about as relevant to the NFL as the Arizona Cardinals. Congratulations on that.

The Weak Ender

Because somebody had to work on Friday!

Tawny Kitaen busted for drugs. Seems about inevitable as USC's impending beat down of Notre Dame. Kitaen has long denied that she has used drugs, but the truth says otherwise. As in having more coke in your house than they had onset for Bachelor Party. Likewise, many folks have tried to deny that USC is way better than Notre Dame, even when the truth indicates that the Trojans are.

Notre Dame has coasted through the season against the academy schools like it was the hood of a car in a White Snake video. The Domers have played one tough game against Michigan and how did that end up? It is time for the media to finally concede that USC is a pretty good football team. The Trojans are 43-2 in its last 45 football games, losing a heart-breaker to Texas in the Rose Bowl last year and a triple overtime contest in 2003. The Trojans, in the midst of a rebuilding year, are 120 minutes away from playing in its fourth consecutive title game.

Yet week after week, people keep saying that Cal, or Oregon, or Notre Dame is going to trip them up. It just isn�t happening. Make your dinner reservations early tomorrow night because this game won�t be close.

• Two weeks in, and the Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson courtship is already tiresome. But did anybody wonder how awkward it must have been for Romo to shake hands with Matt Leinart a few weeks ago when these reports started to surface?

• Anybody want to let Joe Buck and Troy Aikman know that it is Tony Romo, not Tony Roma, as his name was messed up repeatedly on Thursday. BTW, did you see Buck�s kids during the telecast? Pre-teen kids tend to be embarrassed by their parents, but it is sad to say that it won�t get any easier for Buck�s brood. In fact, it will get worse. What must life be like to grow up in that house hold. Imagine, in a few years, you are a guy calling one of those girls for a date. �Hi, my name is Joe Buck and my daughter will be along in a moment. But in the mean time, let me pontificate on one of my favorite subjects, that being Joe Buck.� At least he won�t have to worry about his daughters dating.

• How bad are the Lions? Even Joey Harrington is beating them. Harrington slammed the Lions when he mentioned in his press conference that he enjoyed playing for the Dolphins, a team he could be proud of. And has anybody else noticed the Mike Martz is standing on the sidelines, while nearly every other offensive coordinator in the league is up in the booth? Seems like somebody is still trying to play head coach on the Lions sideline.

• How will you remember the Jake Plummer era?

• Dennis Green will not return to the Arizona Cardinals next season. Shocker. The team is reportedly interested in Steve Mariucci. That actually would be a good choice. You can't hold the Lions ordeal against Mooch. Compared to the Lions, the Cardinals would be an organization that Mooch could be proud of. Mooch had the 49ers in the playoffs seemingly every year and his teams always played well. Nobody would be able to get the Lions off the ground.

• Terrell Owens said that he would not send any well wishes to Donovan McNabb following his injuries. This despite the fact that McNabb sent him a text message following T.O.'s accidental overdose. Peyton Manning, is not so callous, instead he called the fallen Eagles quarterback and left a message. How did McNabb respond? With a text message. What is this guy a teenage girl? Was McNabb too busy hanging out in the mall to return Manning�s phone call? You kids might not realize this, but there was a time when quarterbacks were, well, men. At least McNabb can now spend his time dog-sitting for the Barber brothers.

AND FINALLY
Warren Sapp has said that he no longer fears food poisoning while playing for the Raiders. Sapp said, in the story, that he feared eating out while on the road, especially in places like Philly, because restaurant owners would try to tamper with his food.

"You get your food poisoned," Sapp said at Raiders headquarters. "They don't want you out there on Sunday. You don't think about it. It just got crazy."

He pointed specifically to three incidents: Before the NFC Championship Game in Philadelphia at the end of the 2002 season, which the Bucs won en route to the Super Bowl title; before a divisional playoff game at Green Bay in January 1998; and at New Orleans, where the Bucs played a game during the 1998 season.

"I know it's real, especially in Philly, come on," said Sapp, long an unpopular figure in the NFL for his play and his mouth.

You know, maybe they were just targeting Sapp because he is an a-hole.

Survivor: Swing shift

"Survivor" spoilers coming up just as soon as I start complaining about those damned kids and their drinking and smooching and slacking...

Amazing, isn't it, how a season that began with a lot of outside garment-rending over racism has turned out to be just a really satisfying edition of "Survivor," no? The mutiny has worked out perfectly for dramatic purposes, turning Aitu from a blandly amiable bunch to tight, lovable underdogs, turning Candace into the best/worst villain since Johnny Fairplay, and forcing Jonathan to have to go all Amazon Rob and flip flop between alliances to save his acting ass.

I hope that Terry from last season was watching tonight. That, buddy, is how you use the Hidden Immunity Idol when you enter the merge with a minority alliance. Yul is obviously book-smart -- see the physics of elephants bit during the challenge(*) -- but he also knew exactly the right play to make with Jonathan.

(*) Probst's reaction to the elephant story was especially priceless, because 30 seconds earlier he was using Jonathan's "I have big feet" excuse as yet another reason to hate on the guy. There's a definite actor vs. reality show host bit of tension going on between those two (best highlighted by, "Jonathan, getting frustrated by me, day 21!"), but after Yul got done explaining the physics of it, even Probst couldn't find a reason to act superior.

Alas, Jonathan has now guaranteed his own loss, though his chances of making final two had he stuck with Raro was pretty damn slim. He probably could have gone to Adam and company and said, "Hey, Yul showed me the Idol; we have to vote for Sundra or Becky," but after they were so smug and dismissive of even the possibility that Yul had the thing, these were clearly not the people with whom to cast his lot. Couldn't have happened to a dumber, more obnoxious bunch. I look forward to the Pagong/Ulong'ing. But I like how Jonathan and Yul understand how to play the game and the fact that it is a game. I had worried that Yul was going to fall into a naivete/integrity trap, but either he's prepared to sell out his Aitu lifemates to take the loathed Jonathan to the final two, or he's learned how to lie well enough to convince Jonathan that he might take him. (I'm leaning towards the latter.)

What did everybody else think? And is there any circumstance under which either Ozzy or Yul doesn't win now?

Today, I am thankful for YouTube

Happy Turkey Day, everybody, and shouldn't you be napping on the couch right about now?

Operating under the "everything is on YouTube" theory, I went looking for any clips of the original "What's Alan Watching?" that gave me the title for this blog. While there sadly isn't a full version of the pilot up, there are three clips: Eddie Murphy as James Brown being sentenced to prison (in a scene that presaged "Cop Rock"), Eddie as JB braving the prison showers, and the aptly-titled "Gandhi on Ice." (The last one may be more notable for the two bits at the very end, particularly the random Brent Spiner appearance.)

Angels Sign Sarge Jr.

So this was the big splash Arte Moreno promised for this offseason? The Angels have signed Gary Matthews Jr. to a five-year $50M contract.

Seriously?

This will go down as one of the worst Angels free agent signings in history. And you know the Angels have made some bad free agent signings in the past. This will make you long for the days when the team traded top prospects for guys like Dave Parker and Von Hayes.

Matthews, 32, is a career .263 hitter who happened to hit .313 with 19 HRs last season. In his contract year. In Texas. It was the first time that Matthews had surpassed the .300 mark in his career. This was a total panic move. A panic move that would have never had to have been made if the team didn�t let go of Troy Glaus (a move that has cost the team at least one World Series title).

While you have to give the Angels credit for being good neighbors to the Dodgers and not making them feel bad about their over spending for Nomar and Juan Pierre, this is just ridiculous. The Yankees are supposed to be the team that gets suckered in by a .260 hitter having a career year, not the Angels. This also likely means that the Angels will not be making any trades to really get an impact bat.

Now you can imagine a lineup that has Matthews Jr. leading off and hitting .250, while slap hitting Chone Figgins plays third base. It is hard to imagine the offense being worse in 2007, and not only that, the Angels paid $50M to do it. Just a dumb move.

Cheating Broncos Fined

And not for the Scott Stapp haircut, either.

Broncos center Tom Nalen has been fined $25K for his cheap shot on Igor Olshansky and the subsequent beat down he received. Olshansky was fined $10K for playing the Tom Sizmore to Nalen's Heidi Fleiss.

The Broncos, for whatever reason, are livid about this. Really? Olshansky should not have decked Nalen in that spot because it cost the Chargers a 15-yard penalty. (Like really, did you think Jake Plummer was going to lead them to a touchdown?) But Nalen�s cut block during a spike play was far more cowardly. What a total female dog move. Nalen and the Broncos should feel lucky that all he got was a beat-down and a $25K fine.

When Logan was right (twice)

Spoilers for "Veronica Mars" and "Gilmore Girls" coming up just as soon as I tell the FBI to call off the search for Tina Majorino...

First things first with "Veronica Mars": I don't care whether or not Keith knows that Veronica got a bad haircut from her attacker. If Keith Mars knew A)that his daughter had been drugged on campus, and B)that there was a serial rapist at work on campus who was drugging his victims, there's no way he wouldn't be on some kind of door-to-door rampage through Hearst. Veronica's a lone wolf, that's part of her personality and appeal, and I get that, but sometimes the contrivances to keep her working solo feel, well, contrived.

Fortunately, I was over the Keith silliness by the time Patty Hearst got abducted again, and this was one of the season's strongest episodes. With Diane Rugggiero on script, you know there's going to be the funny, and we got it with "keister egg," Veronica's weird "Tommy" dance, or the triple-layered Lebowski/Citizen Kane/William Randolph Hearst thing going on with Bud Rose (flip that one, why don't you?), his missing wife, toady assistant, etc. Plus, we did get a Veronica/Keith team-up, just on the Mystery of the Week instead of the rape arc.

And the arc itself took a big leap forward by essentially clearing Nish and the feminists, because there's no way so much evidence would be pointing towards them in the penultimate episode if they actually did it. My take is that they faked a few of the rapes, and obviously that they raped Chip themselves, but they were just copycatting the real rapist, the one who attacked Maebe and Parker and gave Veronica her close shave last week. I also think the Pi Sigs are in the clear -- from a dramatic standpoint, it's more interesting if the Lilith House women have been doing these copycat crimes to frame the wrong people -- which leaves a whole bunch of people who weren't in this episode: Prof. Landry, Tim the TA, Moe the RA, maybe even Mercer Hayes (but probably not, as he would need an accomplice to attack Veronica while he was still in the pokey).

I tried not to pay too much attention to the previews for next week, but it looks like we'll have the entire supporting cast (save maybe Weevil, who I didn't spot) back for the big finale -- and yet, knowing Rob and company's MO, in the end Veronica no doubt will have to throw down with the big bad all by her lonesome.

As a non-shipper of any kind, I'm not too bothered by the latest Veronica/Logan tumult, but I was pleased to see him win an argument about her stubborn, judgmental qualities. Of course, Veronica went icy on him afterwards, but at least from a show perspective, we're not supposed to be feeling that Veronica's perfect when she clearly isn't.

Similarly being taken down a peg by her Logan is Rory over on "Gilmore Girls." I'm not a Logan H. fan, but Rory needed to wake up and smell the hypocrisy. I ain't saying she a golddigger, but she ain't messing with no broke Marty, you know?

(In fairness, Jess and Dean were poor, but Rory has become much more enamored of the blue-blood lifestyle -- both through her grandparents and through Logan -- since she started college. Remember her whining that they couldn't spend the summer traveling through every country in Europe?)

Not really enthralled by Lorelai and Christopher's big move-in, but I continue to like Luke and April's father-daughter bonding, and I'm still trying to map out the whole "Philadelphia Story" bit at the end. Lorelai's obviously Katharine Hepburn, but does Luke see himself as Cary Grant (the ex/love of her life who convinces Kate to take him back over her bland new fella), or is Christopher supposed to be Cary Grant while Luke is Jimmy Stewart (the new guy who mistakenly thinks he has a shot at Kate, even though she's destined to get back with Cary Grant in the end)?

What did everybody else think?

Everybody Loves Tiki

Broadcasters really love Tiki Barber. It's true. NBC, FOX and ESPN have gone out of their way to give Tiki a sendoff that would be better suited for a guy who actually, you know, won a rushing title or Super Bowl or was at least considered the best player at his position. ESPN invited Tiki�s brother Ronde into the booth on Monday night. Not sure why, other than to prove�once and for all�that the Barber brothers are whiter than the Gumbel brothers. Seriously. Bryant Gumbel looks like 50 Cent compared to Ronde and Tiki.

The only question is why stopped at only inviting Ronde to the booth? Where was Tiki's wife, Yoko? Tiki's mother? They could have held a This is Your Life tribute to Barber during the game. And sure, you might reason that Ronde does have some football insight, seeing that he is an NFL player. But it wasn't like they were actually talking about football anyway. Instead they jabbered about who was born first, Tiki's major in college and hawked the twin's book (available in bookstores now). During that time Eli Messiah was throwing the game away for the Giants.

You have to give credit to Tiki. He has long had the reputation of being a sharp person with his eyes looking beyond football. The leak of his retirement was a perfectly orchestrated move to get people talking about Tiki. Instead of going out like Robert Smith, this retirement has built him into some sort of mythical figure. The retirement of Kareem Abdul Jabbar wasn�t this extravagant.


IS THERE anybody who would trade Philip Rivers straight up for Eli Messiah right now? (And the Chargers also received Shawne Merriman in the deal.) Rivers has started ten games and he looks much more polished than Messiah who has been a starter since his rookie season. This is going to doom the Giants franchise.

Messiah looked like a rattled rookie during points of Monday's contest. Though, that seems to be a genetic Manning-family trait. And how convenient was it that likely the worst play of Messiah's career was washed out by a dubious penalty, 60-yards from the play? (Hey, at least the Giants finally lost a challenge, but only because it was so obvious, they had no choice.)

Peripheral Vision Man goes to the mall

Spoilers for "HIMYM" and "Studio 60" just as soon as I call all of my Canadian cousins to ask them whether, in fact, 1986 didn't arrive in Canada until 1993...

Vis a vis "How I Met Your Mother," turns out Robin and I share both a Canadian heritage and a refusal to go to the Willowbrook Mall -- though, unlike Robin, I was never a pop star. I just have too many bad memories of what a bad, generic mall Willowbrook was. But it was the nearest mall growing up, dammit.

Another hilarious episode, and one that has me increasingly convinced that this is the show CBS needs to air after the Super Bowl. That timeslot's not the ratings magnet it use to, but it still has the potential to expose the show to 15-20 million people who have never seen it, and if there's a show on CBS that needs non-CBS viewers to know it exists, it's this one.

On any other show, the video no doubt would have been the highlight, but here it had to compete with both of Marshall's slaps of Barney. Is there anyone, anywhere, who doesn't think Barney made the wrong choice with the 5 vs. 10?

And just as it took America's 1987 six years to get across the border, "Studio 60" is showing that it's taking 2001 five years to enter Aaron Sorkin's consciousness. Sure, Fox scheduled "The Tick" in a much different comedy climate, but would any network bother with "Peripheral Vision Man" today, let alone give Beavis and Hackboy the budget to hire the huge, untalented writing staff we've seen in the two or three scenes set in The Room? And Matt's brief attempt to hold the two under contract after humiliating and marginalizing them since his return didn't make him seem noble; it made him seem like a bully.

I suppose this was an improvement over the Pahrump episodes, in that the lecturing about how Hollywood and fundamentalist Christianity relate to each other was limited to one subplot. But when the show's not being simple-minded and preachy and obnoxious, then it's just dull. Maybe if I liked the characters more, I would enjoy a straightforward inside-baseball episode like this, but nine episodes in, the only ones I still have affection for are Jack, Cal and Jeannie, and they exist on the series' fringes (or, in Jack's case, disappear for entire episodes at a time).

As for the Harriet storyline, there were so many things wrong with it that I don't even care about Aaron's ongoing therapy about his break-up with Kristin Chenoweth. First, if this takes place on the same day as the Nevada trip, Harriet got this offer, agreed to it and let the word spread all within a few hours? Woman works fast. Second, she can't possibly be so naive that she doesn't understand either the lad mag's desire to put her in a photo shoot or one of the reasons she's so valuable to "Studio 60." It would be one thing if she felt offended because Tom and Simon were making it sound like that was the only reason they kept her on the show (i.e., belittling her talent), but she reacted like this had never ocurred to her before. Every time Harriet opens her mouth, I like her less.

What did everybody else think?

Lil' Haters Tribute To Dirty Waters

�I never tried to intentionally hurt anyone.� � Andre �Dirty� Waters in a 2004 interview.

Yeah, tell into Redskins kicker Jess Atkinson, whose career was cut short by a Waters cheap shot to the leg back in those "glory years" of the Buddy Ryan-led Eagles. Those years when the Eagles talked the talk but never won anything of note.

Or tell it to Doug Williams, who was once sucker punched from behind by Waters, leading to surgery.

Or tell it to any of those other countless recipients of his cheap shots. At least Bill Romanowski needed to be in a roid rage to injure people. Waters, for all I can tell, was just an a-hole with no class.

Hey, I'm just amazed the bullet that Waters used on himself didn�t take out an innocent bystander or three. Autopsy reports are unclear on whether he was watching the Eagles suck again on Sunday before ending his life. If so, then a motive was pretty clear. Or maybe he was upset that he wasn't the one to ruin Donovan McNabb's career.

What? Is that too harsh? Perhaps I�m being too hard. I like other NFL fans, will take a moment to honor Waters. I also would like to think that the last thing that went through Waters� mind�other than that bullet�was how Jess Atkins got the best of him.

Now I'm sure the league is already figuring out the best way to exploit this news for the benefit of the Giants.

Heroes: Save the cheerleader. Don't solve the mystery.

Spoilers for "Heroes" just as soon as I pop my shoulder back into place...

Once again, the NBC promo department has done the show absolutely no favors. In a bubble, "Homecoming" is a solid episode with a damned creepy showdown between Sylar, Claire and Peter. But you don't go selling this as the hour that's going to, once and for all, explain what "Save the cheerleader. Save the world." means and then not explain it, you know? Hell, Claire's whole, "I don't know -- I'm just a cheerleader" was like an unintentional taunt to the audience.

I've written before that, on their respective best days, "Heroes" isn't remotely in the same class as "Lost," but that what the new show has on the old one is a willingness to continually move the plot forward, answer questions and, above all else, avoid pissing off the audience. Then this happens, and whether it's entirely the fault of the NBC promo monkeys or Kring, Loeb and company starting to feel too cocky (or too nervous about how much story they've already burned through), it's a sign of really bad faith. I put up with this stuff from "Lost" because the micro elements can be so strong even when the big picture doesn't make a damn bit of sense. But a show that has Milo Ventimglia as its leading man doesn't get the same amount of rope, so let's hope this isn't the beginning of a pattern.

What did everybody else think? Judging by the weepiness of the diner waitresses, is Hiro's time trip doomed to fail? Will D.L. be able to go immaterial fast enough to dodge Jessica's speeding bullet? (And did anyone else smile when they saw the "Jessic Sanders" subtitle?)

The Post Mortem

Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer was much maligned earlier this season because of "Martyball." But it seems like he has finally found the perfect substitute, fall behind by large margins and then the team is forced to throw the ball to catch up. The amazing thing about the Chargers comebacks in recent weeks is not the fact that they rallied for victory. But it is the way they rally for victory. The Chargers are down huge at one point and the next moment, they are either tied or trailing by a few points. The Chargers got down by 17 points against Denver, but before you could walk over to the bar at O�Shea�s to get your $1 beer, the team only trailed by a field goal. And then, it was only a matter of time before the Chargers were going to go on to win that game.

So much for Martyball, eh?

The Chargers, as stated last week, are the best team in football right now. The Chargers finally climbed over the Mile-High hurdle, let�s see if Schotteheimer can get that Super Bowl chip off of his shoulder. Based on talent right now, San Diego is the best team in football. And it might not be close. Barring injuries or some sort of breakdown by Philip Rivers, there is no reason for this team not to be in the Super Bowl.

RIVERS IS GOOD

There was a lot of skepticism regarding Rivers prior to the start of the season, especially here at THN. It was hard to back a guy who couldn't beat out Drew Brees for two years. Plus you had some question marks at offensive line and a thin receiving corps. So it is easy to say that Rivers has far exceed expectations to this point. If you look at the quarterback class or 2004, Rivers is far-and-away the best quarterback right now. Ben Roethlisberger might have won a Super Bowl, but he was merely hanging around for the ride. Eli Messiah looks good when he can toss jump balls to Plaxico Burress. Rivers is winning games with his passes and football decisions.

Imagine where this organization would be if Rivers had not held out during the opening of the 2004 season.

COLTS STREAK ENDS

Don Shula can breath easy again, the Colts have lost. Has there ever been a less impressive 9-1 team? Peyton Manning again showed that he doesn't have what it takes to win the clutch. Who throws the ball away on fourth down on the final drive of the game? Except for Joe Montana who didn't have the arm strength to get the ball out of the end zone in the 1981 NFC Championship Game. But Dwight Clark was not there to bail out Manning on Sunday. Manning probably felt that there was a penalty on the play, but he at least needs to throw a catch-able pass. It kind of smacks of a guy who would rather take a lose than to ruin his passer rating. Not saying that he does, but it was an awful play.

Tony Dungy complained after the game that the Cowboys defenders were a little too physical with the Colts receivers, setting the stage for yet another playoff collapse. The Colts area lot like a feminine version of Elton John. They will continue to fold in the big games until they learn to butch up a little bit.

BCS NONSENSE

There is no panic with USC being the No. 3 team in the BCS this week. The Trojans, according to the experts, should jump to the second spot with victories over Notre Dame and UCLA. The notion of Michigan getting a rematch is completely ridiculous. But this is the BCS and the ridiculous often happens. Like the year when the consensus No. 1 team in the country did not make it to the BCS title game. But that's the problem with college football. It gets great ratings and draws a lot of interest. Yet it keeps shooting itself in the foot with this BCS nonsense. Having Michigan reach the BCS title game would be like the NFL finding the AFC (or NFC) Championship Game so compelling, they order a rematch for the Super Bowl and stick the other conference winner in the Pro Bowl.

And you all don�t want another "bad beat" story, because the Sports Dork corners the market on those. But it figures that Notre Dame would ruin the official THN parlay cards in Las Vegas this weekend.

• Have you signed the petition to get Steve Bisheff's Toupee in the California Sports Hall of Fame? Make sure you do. This petition will eventually be turned over to the CSHOF, so make your voice heard.

• Why is there nothing surprising about Donovan McNabb being out for the rest of the season? Obviously it was a fluke play that could have happened to anybody. But, at least in the last two years, it always seems to happen to McNabb when his season is going south. And this is the third time in five years that he has suffered a season-ending injury.
  

• When did Brett Favre channel the ghost of Al Czervik? He knew when to get out of the game and that bump on his "funny bone" did look a little suspicious. And did you notice that Favre's prot�g� Aaron Brooks not only pulled the "Czervik," he also managed to return in enough time to lose the game for the Raiders. Obviously, Brooks didn�t trust Andrew Walter enough to lose that game.

• The Broncos will make the move to Jay Cutler after the Chiefs game this week, giving him 10 days to prepare for his first start. Where is that guy saying the Broncos were going to win this game?
  

• The Chargers are the best team in the AFC (sorry Baltimore), but who is the best team in the NFC? Maybe college football does have the right idea.

• Sports Illustrated's Pete King couldn�t jump on the Rutgers bandwagon fast enough last season, and totally bailed on them this week. The Scarlet Knights are just another team that King has jinxed this season. Stay away from Boise State. But you can just smell a Nevada upset this week for the Broncos.

• The O.J. Simpson television appearance and book about how he would have hypothetically carried out the murders has been canceled. When Rupert Murdoch calls an idea "ill conceived" you knew it was a bad idea.

AND FINALLY

The Cubs are spending a little money, huh? Hopefully the new owner (Tribune is on the blocks) doesn�t mind. Or maybe the new owner is the one ordering all of this dough to be spent so he can make a big splash when he signs. Somebody like say, Mark Cuban, for instance. Could Cuban really be inline to be the next owner of the Cubs? It might be a little far-fetched to actually think that, but stranger things have happened.

These moves are also leading to the inevitable that A-Rod will be a member of the Angels next season.