The Weak Ender

Everybody should have seen this coming. Barry Zito once dated Alyssa Milano who starred in the show Charmed, based in San Francisco. So it is only natural that Zito is now a member of the San Francisco Giants.

Damn, it was so obvious.

(And yes, if this wasn't the biggest stretch to get a hot chick to headline the Weak Ender, it certainly is close.)

JASON TAYLOR IS A FEMALE DOG

Jason Taylor has certainly gone into full whine mode when it comes to Shawne Merriman. Taylor doesn't believe that Merriman should be considered for defensive player of the year because of his steroid violation. That is sends a bad message to younger kids about the dangers of steroids.

Oh shut your trap, Taylor. Merriman served his punishment already. Having him pay for his mistake twice would send a bad message to kids. Right? Merriman missed four games (and four paychecks) if he is voted defensive POY or the Pro Bowl, he deserves.

But don't worry, Merriman got over on Taylor as he sent him a "Lights Out" hat and cap, and a bag of popcorn so he could watch the Chargers in the playoffs.

Do the kids still say, "Owned?"

WARNER TIME

Kurt Warner will start for the Birds this week against the Chargers. Warner told reporters this week that he will return next season to back up Matt Leinart. And that's good news. The number of people who believe that Warner could still be a viable quarterbacks is a short list that only includes Warner, Brenda Warner, Dick Vermeil and THN.

Although, Brenda is starting to hedge her bets.

Warner could still be a quarterback in this league. Imagine Warner playing for a competent team like, say, Chicago. He might not be what he was for the St. Louis football team in 1999, but the Bears would be in a much better position with Warner. In fact, the Bears should seriously consider Warner during the offseason. They need a veteran who can win in the short term. The window of opportunity is going to close really soon in Chicago and they need to make a move while they can.

• Leonard Little said that he was a little upset that he didn't make it to the Pro Bowl. He said it kind of ruined his Christmas not to be recognized. You know who else's Christmas was ruined? The family of the woman he killed in 1999. The women's two children spent another Christmas without their mother, but you can imagine they likely had a lot of empathy for Little and his loss. Where is Jason Taylor�s outrage on this subject?
  
  And you might want to reason that Little shouldn't pay for his crime twice. And you would be right, if he actually, you know, paid for it the first time.

• Lil' Hater is reporting that during the Cowboys and Eagles game, Jeff Garcia yelled, "Who's the (European cigarette) now, T.O.?" as the receiver short-armed another pass down the sideline. Please let that story be true.

• Looking back at the NFL Network, we owe them a debt of gratitude for taking one of the worst games of the week and hiding on a network that nobody has. Maybe the Giants can have all of their games television on NFL Network next year. Is there any way to make this happen? Fourteen of the Giants 16 games were shown here in Southern California. Even with the Giants meltdown this season and Eli Messiah regressing into Rick Mirer, that is still too many games.

• The Panthers are not going to make us believe that they can win this week. Totally not.

• Despite what Pittsburgh did last season, there is no way to get fired up for the remaining ham-and-eggers struggling to reach the .500 mark and make the playoffs. Did you see the list of scenarios the Packers need to make it to the playoffs? They need a win and a strength of victory that would require that Arizona, Detroit, Miami, Minnesota and San Francisco all win and Carolina, Houston and Tampa Bay all lose. The Giants qualify as long as Joe Buck mentions Tiki Barber and the phrase "glorious career" at least six times. Alright, that last part was made up, though it sounded the most reasonable.

• Congratulations to the Pac-10 for finally winning a bowl game this season. Maybe one of these days they can match the bowl record of the WAC and Mountain West conference. And really, if you had to take your pick on the one Pac-10 coach that was going to win its bowl, Jeff Tedford would be far, far, down the list. This will likely be the only win the Pac-10 gets into the bowl games.

• Does something in the world of college basketball seem right to you today? It should because UNLV matters again. This really needed to happen.

• Take the Panthers and the points.

AND FINALLY
Here is some career advice for Nick Saban: Take the Alabama job. Being over-hyped and failing to reach expectations would make you a perfect fit for the Crimson Tide. You clearly aren't cut out for the NFL game. And while you are at it, take Dennis Green with you. Have you noticed that Miami and Arizona have torn up the league once they started 1-5? Peter King has already penned in Miami and Arizona for Super Bowl 42.

Best of the Best '06

Last column of the year, which means it's Top 10 time. As discussed last week, I decided to spread the wealth with two lists, one for returning shows, one for 2006 rookies. The lists:

Returning Shows

1. "The Wire"
2. "The Shield"
3. "The Office"
4. "Battlestar Galactica"
5. "Deadwood"
6. "The Sopranos"
7. "How I Met Your Mother"
8. "The O.C." (season four only)
9. "24"
10. A tie between "Scrubs," "House" and "Grey's Anatomy"

New shows

1. "Friday Night Lights"
2. "Dexter"
3. Stephen Colbert at the White House correspondents dinner
4. "30 Rock"
5. A tie between "Country Boys" and "When the Levees Broke"
6. "Doctor Who"
7. "Heroes"
8. "Kidnapped"
9. "Broken Trail"
10. "The Loop"

To read the full column with elaboration on the choices (given the space limitations of writing capsules for 23 shows), click here.

Tiki Barber Model Teammate

With the playoffs still within reach, Tiki Barber has his mind on the White House? Really? Barber told DC reporters this week that football hasn't always been on his mind.

"During the week I am sitting in a meeting and instead of being solely focused on the Washington Redskins I will be thinking about other things. In the off season for instance I had a chance to come down your way for the White House Correspondence dinner. These things became more important to me than being up here working out." Barber said.

You must be thrilled with that comment if you are one of the few remaining players on the Giants who actually cares about, you know, football. At least Eli Messiah at least pretends to like football (but you know his brothers and father pushed him into it.) Barber has pretty much admitted that he doesn't really care that much about football. Brandon Jacobs probably cares. Why not give him the carries against Washington?

What's funny is that this isn't a bigger story. Allen Iverson was crucified for not wanting to practice, yet Barber gets a free pass. Iverson was a bad guy and a malcontent. Barber just has perspective. The media never gets on Barber's case. Well, except for Tom Jackson and Michael Irvin. Two guys Barber called "idiots" for saying that he would become a distraction.

Look at who the idiot is now.

Cowgirl Bowl Tonight

Can UCLA finally deliver a win for the Pac-10? Oregon and Arizona State were just embarrassing. The Bruins are actually playing better than any Pac-10 team right now. How bad is it for the Pac-10? The WAC and the Mountain West conferences are doing very well in its bowl games, going a combined 4-1.

At the Movies: Children of Men

I know this is a TV blog most of the time, but I did say in my very first post that it would feature "occasional comments on the books I'm reading or movies I've seen," and after watching "Children of Men" yesterday, I'm feeling the need to prostelytize. I don't get to the cinema as much as I did pre-fatherhood, but this is the best movie I've seen this year, if not in several years. I'm currently wrestling with my review of FX's "Dirt" (short version: mud), so I don't have the time or energy to explain why I love it so much. Thankfully, there's this series of tubes out there, so go read some of the reviews, and then after it's come to your local cinema and you've been lucky enough to see it, we can talk more in the comments.

I stumbled on this movie by virtue of Fienberg's capsule review, and it baffles me that it's not getting a major Oscar push, either by the studio itself or by the press, so I'm doing my small bit.

Model Teammate Strikes Again

Remember when rumors were circling about Troy Aikman's sexuality? His handlers responded by putting him in a commercial where a hot chick sacks him during a pick-up football game. Peyton Manning's people did the same thing with his latest Visa spot, where he picks up the spirits of some movers, the Starbucks guy, the paperboy, etc.

But as much as Manning's handlers would like to foster his image as a model teammate, he just keeps sticking his foot in his mouth. Said Manning after the loss to the Texans:

"It is what it is, we are what we are. It's not like basketball where you can play on both sides of the ball. You can only control when you are out there. When you are out there, your job is to score more points. We needed to score more points today."

In other words Gomer is saying that if he was playing defensive back, the Colts would have like, the best defense ever. Manning obviously feels that it is nearly impossible to score the same number of points that his defense continues to give up on a weekly basis.

Yep, model teammate.

The Post Mortem

Anybody else sick of Carrie Underwood? Holy hell, was there this much fuss about who Jeff Garcia was dating?

Alright, bad example. But you get the point.

There were enough storylines going on during the Eagles dismantling of the Cowboys that you didn�t need to focus on Underwood. Philadelphia was on the verge of winning its third consecutive road NFC East game, putting them in the driver's seat for the division. Bill Parcells is the most overrated coach in NFL history. He�s still living off the glory of those famed Giants teams. Pacells has regressed in each coaching stop, going from Super Bowl champ, to Super Bowl participant, to AFC Championship Game participant, to not winning a playoff game. Nice legacy. Luckily they have screwed up the Pro Football Hall of Fame so much, that he can�t tarnish his legacy.

The most refreshing storyline was Jeff Garcia proving to Terrell Owens who the real man is. It may have taken Garcia a few years, but he has finally gotten over on Owens. And wasn't it always ironic that Garcia dates a Playboy Playmate, while T.O. spends too much time in the gym, wears flamboyant suits and likes to strut around in full body tights?

And people thought Garcia was gay.

The only thing left to say about Owens is that if looks like a malcontent and acts like a malcontent, it�s a malcontent.

And for the record, the notion that Donovan McNabb is one of the most valuable players in the NFL is a fallacy. But, as stated in this space a week ago, Garcia could win the Super Bowl this year (and really, why not?), and McNabb will still be the starter next year.

A RIVERS RUNS THROUGH IT

Whether you believe that Philip Rivers' game-winning touchdown validates him as a viable quarterback or not, one thing is for certain�this guy needs to learn how to celebrate better. Seriously, what was that? Rivers looked like Jim Valvano after North Carolina State won the NCAA title. Hey Philip, at least act like you weren't surprised to throw that touchdown pass.

But what does that all mean? Was that a coming-of-age moment that Chargers fans have been waiting for? Well, look at it this way. If that was the Giants, and Eli Messiah threw a similar type of touchdown pass, would you consider that a great play, or blown coverage?

Trick question. Eli would never have put his team into a position to win a game like that, this late in the season.

Rivers played an awful game, but he was there when it mattered most. Rivers has the highest fourth-quarter passer rating in the league, and it is not accident that the Chargers came back to win the game.

NFC PLAYOFFS

That's quite an impressive list of teams battling for the final playoff spot in the NFC. The Giants, Packers, Panthers, Falcons and St. Louis football team are all in the mix. A 7-9 record could take the thing (and that would be so great). So who should the nation be pulling for?

Giants: The immediate thought is to have the Giants out of the playoffs all together. But, having Eli Messiah mess himself during the playoffs again would be worth it.

Packers: Are you ready for week-long analysis on how Brett Favre gives the Packers a (all together now class), �Puncher�s chance� at the playoffs?

Panthers: (Expletive) the Panthers.

Falcons: Wouldn't it be cool to see Mick Vick give Ed Hochuli the bird? How long do you think it would take Eddie Guns to dismantle Vick?

St. Louis football team: What planet are you living on?

The obvious choice has to be the Giants. Tom Coughlin keeps his job if the Giants make the playoffs. And Art Shell and Coughlin need to be NFL coaches next season. It's a must, or sites like THN will die.

• Advice for Garcia: Don't do any Chunky Campbell spots during the offseason.

• Vince Young might not be bright, and he might not be able to throw a football, but the dude is showing that he can play. You just have to fear about how effective he will be if he loses a step. But if you are a coach living in the short term, who really cares, right? Besides, who would want to play the Titans in the AFC playoffs?

• Congratulations to the New York Jets for clinching a playoff berth. What's that you say, the Jets still need to beat the Raiders to make it to the playoffs? Oh. Again, congratulations to the New York Jets for clinching a playoff berth.

• NBC flexed the Bears and Packers game to Sunday night? Look for NBC to bill this game as one last chance to see John Madden perform on-air fellatio to Favre.

• Congratulations to the Angels, who just had their left fielder Juan Rivera break his leg in winter ball in Venezuela. At least Bill Stoneman went out and got all of those much needed sluggers.

• Reggie Bush, Rookie of the Year. We are not debating this anymore, right?

• It is coming down to the wire for THN Sports Figure of the Year. Be sure to get your vote in. The official poll is on the left hand margin in the Hater Poll.

AND FINALLY

Taco Surf is The Hater Nation home of Monday night football if, for nothing else, they don't have the sound on. Obviously this is no new ground being broken here, but that crew is enough to almost make you long for Joe Buck. Who told Tony Maizeheiser that he was funny, anyway? Who didn't get the Maizeheiser joke the first time? Who thinks it wasn't funny the second time, either?

Why are you still here? Don't you have a sweater to return?

Snobbery

A few weeks ago, I finally took the HDTV plunge and bought a lovely plasma set. The thing is beautiful to behold, but I've already become so hooked on high-def that I've been almost exclusively watching the relative handful of HD channels Comcast offers and ignoring the other few hundred. I've been spending shameful amounts of time watching, say, "The Island," because I know a Michael Bay movie will look cool in 1080i.

I've heard this is SOP for HD virgins, and the fact that almost all the shows I follow have been in reruns has played a role. But for those of you who joined the high-def world long before I did, how long did this phase last for you? I have this irrational fear that I'm not going to want to watch "Scrubs" anymore because I won't get to see Turk's dancing with the maximum clarity.

Holiday pick 'em

Happy holidays to all, regardless of denomination. Here's a very tough question to answer at this time of year: "Lazy Sunday" or "D*ck in a Box"? Which is funnier, which is the better song, which is the better video, etc., etc.? Answer and elaborate.

The Weak Ender

Is there anything more depressing than looking up at the television and realizing that you forgot to bet against Oregon in it's bowl game? Just painful. Here is the plan for next year. Start an online betting account. Conservatively build up a nest egg. And then put the entire account balance on Oregon's bowl opponent to cover.

Nice helmets, too. At least they haven�t screwed up the cheerleaders uniforms yet.

ALMOST FAMOUS

If you wonder why Joe Buck and Peter King are trying to put Tiki Barber into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, just watch Almost Famous. Buck and King likely grew up like the lead character William Miller, who was based on Cameron Crowe. The lesson in the movie, and something Crowe obviously learned, is that musicians will try to make you feel cool so you will write good things about them. It's only natural.

As Lester Bangs (Philip Seymour Hoffman) said: Aw, man. You made friends with them. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong. They make you feel cool. And hey. I met you. You are not cool.

The Miller character in the movie learns this lesson. Buck and King have not. (Having met King, it's true, he's not cool.)

Because Barber is cool to them, and because he makes the out-of-shape reporters feel like they belong, the two feel like they owe it to Tiki to put him in the Hall of Fame. Honestly, if Tiki acted like Barry Bonds towards these guys, there would be no such discussion for the Hall of Fame.

That should be a lesson to the young superstars out there. Be cool to the media, and they will make your average career seem better.

• Do you think Tiki has ever stood on top of a house and yelled, "I am a Golden God?"

• It�s also odd that New York fans arent more upset by this Barber for the Hall of Fame nonsense. Can you say that Tiki has had a better career than, say, Otis Anderson? You know, the guy who actually led the Giants to a Super Bowl. The Super Bowl MVP Otis Anderson. New York fans should care more about this.

• Is this a big game for Philip Rivers? He's sandwiched two good games (at Buffalo, Denver) around two dreadful games (Oakland and Kansas City). But the perception is that he is starting to slip. The only way to answer those questions is to go out and perform. A bad game at Seattle would certainly raise the alarm. And one bad game is enough to derail your career. Just ask Ryan Leaf.

• The real reason Oregon lost? Ryan Leaf was on the sidelines.

• Tom Brady lost his girlfriend last week, and was snubbed for the Pro Bowl this week. You can imagine Drew Bledsoe crank calling Brady at all hours, screaming, "How does that feel, (expletive)?"

• If the Chargers defeat Seattle, and San Francisco wins, the 49ers could conceivably win the NFC West at 8-8. Normally, the 49ers lead the second level of hate for THN, but there would be something cool about an 8-8 team making the playoffs. Not as cool as, say, a 6-10 team making the playoffs. But you have to start somewhere.

• Terrell Owens did not get suspended for spitting on DeAngelo Hall. Did Opie Goodell consider ratings as T.O. would have missed the upcoming Cowboys and Eagles game on Christmas? Listen, the NFL would never consider television in any of its decisions. That is just preposterous to even think it.
  
  Hey, did you know that last night's game could have been Favre�s last at Lambeau Field?

• Jeff Garcia is going to lead the Eagles to a victory on Christmas. Hey, doesn't anybody remember the Tony Romo era in Dallas? It didn't even last as long as the Steve Pelleur era.

• Since it's Festivus, be sure to check out The Airing of Grievances. If you need another link as you mail in your final hours at work, check out the photos of Miss Nevada here. Between her an Miss USA, Donald Trump has one pretty cool contest going.

AND FINALLY

It looks like Andy Schefter will shame the Raiders into keeping Art Shell around. And for that, he should be commended. The Raiders indicated that Schefter was Mike Shanahan's buddy and was just spreading anti-Raider garbage. Now it's not hard to imagine that Al Davis will keep Shell around just to spite Schefter.

But if Schefter really is anti-Raiders (and who isn't?), then he could have purposely floated this rumor because he knew that Davis would react like this and then be forced to keep Shell in order to make Schefter look stupid. Wow, that was genius.

The O.C.: If you're here for sex, there's, like, five guys ahead of you

Spoilers for "The O.C." coming up just as soon as I figure out whether Hercules could beat Seven of Nine in a fight...

I'll be frank: I've been so sleep-deprived the last few days that I was drifting in and out of consciousness for a lot of last night's episode. So feel free to disregard every opinion I'm about to express. If this wasn't the last original episode of a show I watch to air for the next two weeks, I might have taken a pass on commenting altogether.

I said a few weeks ago that, while Josh and company had gotten the kid stories back on track, they seemed to have run out of ideas for the grown-ups. Guess they only needed a little more time, because I was much more interested in the Julie/Sandy/Bullet/Hercules stuff than I was in Ryan and Seth's latest disastrous road trip. (Have these guys ever traveled anywhere without incident?) I liked Bullet playing surrogate Jimmy for Kaitlin, I liked Julie's continued panic at having joined the companionship industry, and I'm intrigued by the previews and Sandy literally fighting for position as Ryan's "real" father.

That said, on a 1 to 10 scale of cheesiness, where would you put the introduction of Ryan's suave, international traveler dad? I've got to go at least to 7, but I'll defer final judgment until the next episode airs. Now that Josh has returned the focus to the comedy, the challenge is finding dramatic stories that have some resonance without going to the laughable Marissa/Johnny/Volchok place. Ryan confronting his dad has the potential to work, but Sorbo's character seems to have wandered in from a daytime soap. We'll see.

Taylor continues to be awesome, but, again, I wasn't in love with the desert rave plot, which I feel like I've seen on, like, five different WB shows. Summer's instant buyer's remorse on getting engaged to Little Man Cohen could be good for both yuks and pathos, though.

What did everybody else think?

This blog entry brought to you by The Human Fund

The Festivus column is up. Many, many grievances get aired, though never as many as I want.

Art Shell To Be Fired?

It is hard to believe, but rumors say that Art Shell could be let go at the end of the year. Seriously. It's not like Al Davis to admit a mistake. Or to pay a coach for not working. But it looks like that is going to happen.

A lot of you are likely clamoring for a return of Norv Turner because if Shell deserves a second chance, why not Norv? But expect Rob Ryan to be the next coach because he will work cheap and because he will work cheap. Can this guy lead the Raiders? Probably not. But if he keeps John Shoop as offensive coordinator, he's doomed.

But with Shell likely gone, that makes the second person THN has gotten fired this year, following Steve "The Bish" Bisheff.

Not This Again

The NFL Network is plugging tonigh's Packers v. Vikings game as possibly Brett Favre's last game at Lambeau Field. (Now, a lot of you are probably thinking, "What and the hell is the NFL Network?" It's this little network buried on some cable company that evidentially shows NFL games. Though that's just a rumor right now.)

A couple of things, though. First, the tenuous nature of the NFL means that it could really be anybody's last game each Sunday. Especially if you are Ben Roethlisberger. And could you imagine that kind of campaign?

Tune in for the Steelers game this week, because, let's be honest, Roethlisberger has skirted death long enough and this could be the week that the Grim Reaper cashes in.

Seems kind of low, don't you think?

But the more important aspect is that Favre probably won't retire after this season. Especially since he�s this close to the all-time interception record. But seriously, he�s actually having kind of an alright season. His passer rating isn�t great, but there are at least a dozen teams he would start for, including the entire NFC North.

Favre should stick around. And if the NFL Network is really searching for an angle to play up, how about Brad Childress's mustache? That alone is enough to tune in for. That is, of course, if you could actually see the game.

If you don't get NFL Network, hang out at the FanHouse for some live-blogging of the Duke/Gonzaga game.

Gift Exchange

Office gift exchanges are the worst. Instead of drawing one of your buddies, you are typically stuck with Flo, the crazy cat lady. What kind of gift do you get for the mental defective that reeks of cat urine and sweaty bicycle seats?

But imagine the poor schmuck that draws Joe Buck in the FOX gift exchange. What do you get for the self-satisfied jerk that seemingly knows everything? Besides, his dad has given him everything in his life, including his job, so what is left?

Well, the perfect gift for Joe Buck is right here. And it is for sale here.

The Office: The cutting room floor

Since it's a slow day with no new column and no TV from last night to comment on (thank God for "The O.C." tonight, or I'd have no new episodes to blog about for quite a while), I wanted to throw out a thought that's been rattling around in my head since my interview last week with Ricky Gervais.

We were talking about the documentary framing of "The Office" and how the camera crew no doubt brought out the worst in David Brent, and Gervais said that David was too naive and fame-hungry to realize the filmmakers would only include his bad moments.

"So, wait," I asked, stunned. "Does that mean David had good moments that didn't make final cut?"
"Absolutely," he said.
"Like, there were times when he successfully told jokes that other people found funny?"
"Absolutely."

This sent my mind spinning, to the point where I'm not sure what we talked about for the rest of the hour. (God bless digital recorders.) When I watch a real documentary or reality show, it's with the understanding that the filmmakers/producers are shaping events to tell the story they want to, but it never for a second occurred to me that what we were seeing with "The Office" was anything but an objective view of David's life. Now, I feel like I need to go back and watch the entire British series to reimagine what David -- or Gareth, or Tim, or even Keith -- must have been doing right in between the scenes that made final cut.

I haven't had a chance yet to ask Greg Daniels if he views his show the same way (UPDATE: check the comments for some Greg thoughts), but just as an exercise, what aspects of characters from either show could you imagine being dropped from the documentary episodes?

Help me write my column, part 793

Thanks for all the Festivus suggestions, folks. That story's going to run on Friday (though Festivus doesn't officially begin until Saturday). Now I'm moving on to the flip side: my year-end Top 10 list, which will run late next week.

Because there were so many good new programs this year (series, miniseries, even movies), and because so many Top 10 perennials had their best seasons to date, I decided to do two lists to spread the wealth, one for returning shows, one for stuff that was new in '06.

I feel quite confident in the returning shows list, even though I had to cheat and include 12 shows on it (it'll seem less like cheating when you read it), but I can't shake the nagging feeling that I'm leaving something or somethings off the new list. I've talked to a few other critics, but we're all in that late December burn-out stage where we can barely remember what we wrote about for November sweeps, let alone going all the way back to January. (I definitely understand why so many Oscar nominees get released in late fall/early winter.)

So I want to open up the floor to see if anyone can jog my memory on something obviously deserving. What were some of your favorite newbies of 2006, be they show, mini, movie, special, what have you? I'm sure you can guess a few of my picks based on the contents of this blog, but I'll leave it vague beyond that for now.

The Mara Family: NFL Royalty

Somebody is not taking the Giants season so well. The son of Wellington Mara tackled and choked a 57-year old broker on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange after the man mocked the team. Stephen Mara then turned on the crazy, like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, reigning down the profanities .

"Mara started screaming, 'I'm gonna f- - -ing kill you! Don't f- - - around with my family! Don't insult my family!' " one broker said.

"[The victim] was like, 'Hey, what is your problem? It's just a game!' And Mara yells, 'No, it's not just a game, it's my f- - -ing family!' "

Right, that's why daddy didn't pick you to run the team when he kicked the bucket. The victim apparently walked past Mara during the morning and mockingly did one of those lame jump-shot things, maybe famous by Michael Strahan, and joked, "Maybe you have a basketball team instead of a football team."

That enough caused Mara to snap. (His old man would be so proud.) Just think of what would have happened if the victim had pointed out that all three players the Chargers received from the Giants in the Eli Messiah trade (Philip Rivers, Shawne Merriman and Nate Kaeding) all made the Pro Bowl. Too bad the rest of the Giants don't show this kind of fight. It was the best sack for the Giants all season.

Hey, what are the odds that this shows up on ESPN's "Jacked Up" segment?

Link to the story.

Thanks to AOL FanHouse for the story.

Pro Bowl Sham

Why do people get upset about the Pro Bowl rosters? Do you even bother to watch the game? Probably not. Still, a lot of Pro Football Hall of Fame voters use Pro Bowl selections as one of their criteria, so there is some merit. And when undeserving players are selected to the Pro Bowl, well then, you have a right to complain.

Of course, there is an annual selection of at least a few players who skate by on reputation alone (looking at you John Lynch). But they are typically defensive players or offensive linemen�positions where you can't debate merit by statistics.

That doesn't explain why some running backs are selected to the team. For instance, which running back would you rather have on your team:

Running Back A: 1,357 rushing yards (4.7 average), 2 TDs, 52 receptions for 429 yards and 0 receiving TDs.

Or

Running Back B: 1,092 rushing yards (5.1 average), 7 TDs, 74 receptions for 664 yards and 4 receiving TDs.

Running Back B has the advantage in rushing average, rushing touchdowns, receptions, receiving yards, receiving touchdowns and total touchdowns. Basing your selection on numbers, Running Back B is the overwhelming choice. Not only does he have the statistical advantage, his team is also in control of its division.

Oh, but Running Back A does numerous national commercials so he's an automatic selection. So Running Back A, Tiki Barber, gets the Pro Bowl selection while Running Back B, Brian Westbrook gets nothing. (Until, of course, Barber figures that he is too good to condescend to play in a Pro Bowl.)

It doesn't seem like a big deal now, but wait until they try to shove Barber into the Hall of Fame and they use Pro Bowl selections are part of the criteria.

Free The Bengals

Why does everybody give the Bengals such a hard time for having so many off-the-field troubles? ESPN, Joe Buck and the rest of the morality police continue to look down their noses at the Bengals. Even going so far to call them an embarrassment.

You want to know what was a real embarrassment?

When the Bengals were 4-12 every year during the 1990s. Monday was the first time anybody had ever looked forward to a Bengals game since Super Bowl 23. Who cares if they are getting arrested at a clip typically reserved for Raiders fan, they are relevant again. Well, until last night, at least. Still, let the Bengals have their fun as be it driving drunk or brandishing weapons. And let Chad Johnson wear whatever footwear he wants. Seriously.

What was more surprising to you last night, that Johnson was fined for his footwear or that Merton Hanks was the compliance officer? Yes, the same Merton Hanks who was fined every week because his neck was too long. The guy who couldn�t wear a turtle necks, so they forced him to wrap himself with a cutoff tube sock. The guy who had the worst end zone celebration in NFL history is now a compliance officer. That makes about as much sense as having Bill Romanowski investigate the Terrell Owens spitting incident.


WHAT IS up with Steve Young's hair? He looks like Jerry Seinfeld in the low-flow showerhead episode. Are Mormons forbidden to use hair gel, too? At least he is better than Chris Berman, who looks like Grandpa Munster after a (expletive) experiment.

WHY DOES Tony Maizheiser think that America is clamoring to see Peyton Manning win a Super Bowl? Nobody out of Indianapolis or Tennessee really cares. In fact, most people are likely so sick of Manning, they hope that he never wins. Do you think New England fans want to see a Manning Super Bowl? Probably not.

In fact, there is nothing greater than seeing a high-statistical quarterback never win a Super Bowl. If for nothing else, it really pains guys like John Madden, Buck, Berman, et al, who are openly rooting for these guys to win the big one. (Although, Buck has hitched his wagon to the wrong Manning.) They all cry, "Oh, this quarterback deserves to win a Super Bowl." Really? You know who deserves to win a Super Bowl? The quarterback that actually wins the game. Winning Super Bowls are tough to do. That is why they are held in high regard. If they gave out a Super Bowl to every Tom, Dick and Marino, it wouldn't mean as much.

Did Dan Fouts deserve to win a Super Bowl? No. Otherwise he would have. He might have more passing yards than Ken Stabler, but look who has the Super Bowl ring. So it is time to put away this notion that quarterbacks deserve to win. Deserve has nothing to do with it.

Dexter: Literacy is now welcomed

"Dexter" finale spoilers coming up just as soon as I squeeze some fresh OJ...

"Dexter" has been an odd show for me, blog-wise. I've loved it all season and am trying to figure out where it's going to fit on my year-end Top 10 list (assuming I don't wimp out and do separate lists for new and returning shows, in which case it would be near the top of the new list), and yet I've only blogged about specific episodes three or four times. Part of that was because I was watching episodes in chunks as screeners from Showtime arrived, which made it hard for me to comment much on where the story might be going. Mostly, though, I didn't have much to say. The show was so consistent both in what was working (Michael C. Hall's performance, the flashbacks to Harry's lessons, Dexter's relationships with Deb and Rita, the advancement of the Ice Truck Killer mystery) and what wasn't (office politics in the Miami PD) that I would have been repeating myself week after week.

But I was very pleased with the finale, particularly the revelation that the ITK was Dexter's long-forgotten brother. In other contexts, that twist would've been cheesey, but it would almost be cheesey to have these two meticulous serial killers not have some kind of common bond. It explained not only why Rudy killed, but why he was so interested in Dexter's past and present.

At this point, I want to open the floor for two things: opinions on the finale and the season, but also comments from readers of the novel on what the show left out, what it added in, and whether you feel the changes improved the work. I know a few key differences, like the fact that the ITK's identity wasn't revealed until the very end (and that he never tried dating Deb), but not everything.

Fire away.

The Post Mortem

The only drawback to being at an NFL game is that you miss all of the day's contests. (Then you read about most of the snooze fests like the Broncos/Cardinals and are actually happy about it.) The only taste of the NFL weekend comes from the select highlights they show on the scoreboard. And what do you figure was the select highlight at Jack Murphy Stadium on Sunday?

Eli Messiah tossing a game-crippling interception that was returned for a touchdown.

That highlight easily received one of the biggest ovations of the night. The interception came in an otherwise decent statistical night for Messiah. Outside of those two interceptions. It was the kind of game where America�s Soccer Mom, Archie Manning, was likely consoling his boy, telling his boy that it wasn�t his fault.

Yeah, if Plaxico Burress had only tackled Trent Cole before he got into the end zone. Blame Burress, because you can�t blame the Messiah.

Philip Rivers has the Chargers closing in on the No. 1 seed in the AFC. The Jints? Are they even going to make the playoffs? Even the Packers are breathing down their necks. But you want to know who is closing in on the playoffs?

FLY LIKE AN EAGLE

The Eagles are now in a position to win the NFC East. They win out (which would include a victory over Dallas next week) and they are the division champs. The odds would be stacked against them if Donovan McNabb was still the starting quarterback. But with Jeff Garcia, it looks like a distinct probability.

The Eagles could be faced with a pretty interesting dilemma next season if Garcia leads the team to the playoffs. Hahaha, just kidding. Garcia could win the Super Bowl and the Eagles would still bench him in 2007. McNabb has somehow duped the Eagles coaching staff and front office into believing that he is a winning quarterback.

MOVE OVER HORNUNG

Let's now put those Drew Brees for MVP notions to rest, finally. It would be a little reactionary to do it after one poor performance and Brees does deserve a mulligan for yesterday. But LaDainian Tomlinson is having one of the best seasons as a running back, ever, as he broke Paul Hornung�s single season points record. The 46-year old record lasted longer than Babe Ruth�s homerun record. The list of accolades are staggering when talking about LTD.

• Maybe Conard Bain is right, though. The Chargers do seem to be getting every call going their way. But it was cool for David Binn, the long snapper to make the recovery on the play. Binn is now the longest-tenured player in club history. Forget about teaching your kid to pitch left handed, teach them how to be a long snapper.

• Nice job by the San Diego Union Tribune to have only one lousy photo of the Chargers Girls in Santa uniforms. And that photo still got triple the views of any other photograph.

• Can anybody imagine a scenario where Kyle Boller leads Raven to the Super Bowl? Don�t feel bad, nobody can. You know, the surprising thing about Raven�s victory wasn�t that Boller came off the bench to lead the team. But that it has taken McNair this long to get seriously hurt again. Boller played significant minutes for Raven in Week 6 against�

• (Expletive) the Panthers. You have to fire John Fox now, right? How many years are they going to let him squander away the best talent in the NFC?

AND FINALLY
A ridiculous new basketball and now a huge brawl at Madison Square Garden. You have to hand it to David Stern, he really is a marketing genius. Imagine how much publicity he could garner if the NBA was actually watchable.

SNL: Step one: cut a hole in the box

Okay, so that's now three "Saturday Night Live" episodes this season that made me happy. You expect it out of Hugh Laurie or Alec Baldwin, but Justin Timberlake? The guy's enthusiastic, game for anything, and he's done it enough times that he has multiple recurring characters (Robin Gibb, Omeletteville/Homelessville Guy).

The opening song was cute, especially Amy and Maya harmonizing on "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night," I have a soft spot for both Homelessville Guy and "The Barry Gibb Talk Show" (it's such a strange idea that I love it in spite of it being the show's eight millionth talk show parody, plus the reaction to Sandra Day O'Connor's joke this time was priceless), and the Digital Short was absolute genius, and perhaps proof that Andy Samberg and his buddies should stick to using them to make music videos. Much like "Lazy Sunday," this one's been rattling around in my head for the last 36 hours, only I can't really sing any of it in public. (If you haven't seen it, the NBC site has the uncensored version.)

So that's three good shows out of nine. In baseball, that's success.

Survivor finale: Brains vs. brawn

"Survivor: Cook Islands" spoilers coming up just as soon as I figure out whether Sundra's use of "ignited" was the poorest word choice in "Survivor" history...

Hot-diggity! Yul wins, albeit in a very weird way, in that Adam's vote -- courtesy of the "get rid of Jonathan first" deal -- was the tie-breaker, and the Insider videos implied strongly that Yul didn't want to dump Jonathan at that point, but let the other Aitus talk him into it. Even if he was fully on board with that in the end, it shows how stupid Adam was to offer that deal when Yul alone didn't have complete decision-making power. But then, Adam -- and Parvati, and Candace, and Nate -- was so stupid in so many ways that I don't feel too bad about the outcome.

This was about the purest final two choice possible. (Becky had no shot, and I'm glad she didn't take a Katie from Palau-esque beating from the jury.) On the one hand, you have Yul the master strategist and leader (who, admittedly was quite the challenge player himself, albeit not on Ozzy's level), versus Ozzy the Jungle Boy, who was, if not the best challenge player ever, in the top three or four with Tom Westman, Terry Deitz and Boston Rob. Either was a valid choice, but Yul was a nicer guy, and he gave one of the best jury performances of all time, talking up his accomplishments without seeming arrogant or belittling of the other two, discussing his integrity while admitting that the game only allowed it to go so far, etc.

I expected the jury to be a bunch of whiny, petty rhymes-with-witches, and Nate and Adam thankfully didn't disappoint. (Jonathan and Candice came pretty close, too.) Thankfully, I have a DVR with a fast-forward button, so I was able to skip past the ugliest stuff.

Though the finale lacked the drama of, say, Palau, it was just so amazing to see the final four acting like rational, supportive adults about everything, even though it led to the most pathetic challenge of all time between Sundra and Becky. Seriously, instead of calling for the matches after an hour, Probst should have just said, "You know what? Even if either of you had a sliver of a chance against Yul and Ozzy 60 minutes ago, nobody's going to vote for you now, so why don't you both just move over to the jury?"

Nothing all that illuminating in the reunion, especially since Probst had to zip past the whole Ozzy/Yul/Adam/Jonathan vote-bargaining issue because he had to make time to talk to 19 different contestants. As I've said in the past, I appreciate Jeff's desire to give everyone at least a sound byte (as opposed to the dreaded Rosie O'Donnell, who talked to, like, five people during the entire Marquesas reunion), but I'd rather spend more time on the people and events that shaped the game instead of letting J.P. give us an update on his latest projects.

What did everybody else think? Happy with the winner? Think Ozzy got hosed?

Battlestar Galactica: Nuke you!

"Battlestar Galactica" spoilers coming up just as soon as I figure out who I have to call to get the Sci-Fi promo monkeys fired...

Ron Moore said that he dreamed up the New Caprica arc because he was getting bored with fleet on the run stories, and worried that the audience was, too. He figured that by taking such a drastic departure from the formula, "Then by the time we get back into space, it'll have much greater impact."

Now, I consider the New Caprica episodes (from "Lay Down Your Burdens" to "Collaborators") to be by far the best sustained stretch this show has ever done, but the return to space hasn't had the impact that Moore was hoping. If anything, the extended stay planetside has made me less willing to indulge mediocre space opera, and we've gotten a little too much of that in the last month or so.

The New Caprica episodes felt like they had things to say, socially, politically and about the characters. The episodes since have had some strong moments, but overall they've felt aimless. Baltar is on the Cylon baseship. Why? Do we know significantly more about the Cylons than we did before? Are they more interesting now? Why bother having Tigh and Starbuck go so far off the deep end if you're going to resolve it (for the most part) so quickly? Was there any real point to "Hero"?

With "Eye of Jupiter," at least, a lot of the seemingly pointless strands began to come together: the Kara/Lee/Dee/Anders quadrangle, the D'Anna/Baltar/Six triangle, D'Anna's suicidal tendencies, the search for earth, etc. Plus, we got our first taste of Brother Cavil in quite a while, and Dean Stockwell continues to be all kinds of awesome. And the cliffhanger would've been pretty cool...

... if the eedjits in Sci-Fi marketing hadn't given away the entire damn resolution in the January promo. Way to not leave people on the edge of their seats, guys.

What did everybody else think? Am I being too hard on the most recent episodes?

Thanks Flex Schedule

NBC is treating football fans in Southern California the same way that Terrell Owens treated DeAngelo Hall last night. Instead of watching the Chargers in beautiful 70 degree weather, we will be freezing our (expletives) off in Hoth Ice Planet conditions. Look for THN in Plaza 3, watching the game under a slashed Tonton.

Thanks to The King for hooking THN up with the tickets.

Survivor: Here's mud in your hat

A day later than planned, "Survivor" spoilers coming right up...

When Probst spends the bulk of Tribal Council talking about Jonathan's hat, you know it's been a dull episode. The Pagonging of Raro hasn't been nearly as satisfying as I had hoped, both because the Jonathan boot came in the middle and because the Aitu people are too decent to treat the Raros as badly as the Raros treat everybody else.

And a couple of thoughts on Hatgate: 1)Yul went out of his way to return the hat in an anonymous way; it only became sucking-up when Probst himself told Jonathan who did it; and 2)Unlike Jonathan, Yul is definitely intimidated by Probst. Instead of just sticking to his guns and saying that he returned the hat because his friend asked him to, he has to cave and say some strategy was involved when, again, he did it in a way that he assumed would keep his identity secret.

Becky was right, by the way, to at least contemplate dumping Ozzy early. At this point, the million bucks is his to lose. He's so far ahead of everyone else in the challenges that, unless there's one without a single athletic element, he's a lock for the final three. And once there, he's all but a lock to win the vote from a predominantly-Raro jury, because they're petty and stupid and will blame Yul for his role in their ouster (and his friendship with Jonathan), while Ozzy will get credit for being an inoffensive challenge machine. In other seasons, challenge machines have actually gotten demerits for sticking around through athletic ability (see Colby vs. Tina), but these people are generally too stupid and immature to really respect strategy.

What did everybody else think?

The Weak Ender

Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan have split up. Bad news for Brady, great news for Michael Strahan. Look for Strahan to seek a trade to New England in the offseason and switch to center.

Just kidding. He wants to be Brady's tight end.

RAIDERS VS. ST. LOUIS FOOTBALL TEAM
There is nothing nearly as satisfying as having these two teams being the worst in the NFL. Some might think that a Chargers Super Bowl would be the perfect season. Nope, having the Raiders and St. Louis football team finish one-two in the 2007 NFL Draft order would be a thing of beauty. Unfortunately, that is not possible this season. But it is close.

The obvious question, in a situation like this, is "who do you root for?" Our man Grant M. gave us that answer in 2004:

"If the Rams play the Raiders, you cheer for the Blimp to crash into the stadium, enveloping the players, coaches, and fans in a horrific fireball. You also hope that Georgia Frontandrearie dies last, her lungs filling with puss as her withered, charred hand attempts to pull a quarter from the pocket of the lifeless body of the season ticket-holder next to her."

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ROMO?
Some have suggested that Tony Romo is on a bit of a slide and are searching for answers. Look no further than Jessica Simpson. Is there a man that Simpson has been involved with that has had their career furthered by being involved with her?

Nick Lachey's solo career is about as successful as Michael Richards' solo career. He was pretty successful as a boy-bander, but he can�t make it on his own. Justin Timberlake has shown that it is possible to make the leap. Instead, Lachey has turned into a USC sideline lackey.

Johnny Knoxville co-started with the Rock in Walking Tall, starred in that Special Olympics movie. But after getting tangled up with Simpson, he has had to go back to making Jackass movies.

Nice work Yoko Simpson.

• The dude filling in for Calvin Cowherd today had a nice straw-man argument, busting the myth that the Bears are not a good home football team. You mean like last week's Weak Ender that indicated that the winner of the Giants/Panthers match-up would go on to beat the Bears in the divisional round of the playoffs? Nobody believes that the Bears are a legitimate playoff team. Nobody.

• Does anybody else feel like they could just start the NFL playoffs today? Do we need to drag this thing out for three more weeks? The best teams in the AFC are San Diego, Baltimore, Indianapolis and New England. Just let them start playing right now and get it over with. The NFC should just have Dallas play at Chicago with the winner going to New Orleans.

• Drew Brees is approaching Dan Marino's single-season record for passing yards (5,084). Brees could do it if he averages 350 passing yards in the final three games. Or if he gets to the play the Cowboys three more times.

• Anybody who considers Brees the MVP is doing a disservice to rookies Marques Colston and Reggie Bush. The former Heisman Trophy winner might not be putting up the rushing numbers most thought he would get, but the dude has nearly 80 receptions. It's hard to consider Brees the most valuable player on his own team right now. Much less in the league.

• People who think Devin Hester is the rookie-of-the-year are completely nuts. Bush is at the top of the list, followed very closely by Vince Young. Yes, the dude is just a winner. Hester probably goes in the slot below Colston. And yes, THN hates defensive players. It's where they put dumb players who can't catch.

• How did the Seahawks become worse once Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander returned? The saddest thing is that the NFC West is so bad, it deserves a 7-9 division winner. It really does.

• Most ironic nickname: Tank Johnson being arrested on weapons charges. Much more so than Peyton, the Gay Cowboy, Manning. Who is writing these jokes, Joey Porter?

• The accuser in the Duke lacrosse rape case has given birth. The defense asked that a DNA test be performed on the baby. Turns out the father is Coach Kryzkjadjhghleaski.

• Allen Iverson should come to the Clippers. That would be about the only thing that would make disinterested NBA fans tune in for at least a few regular season games. Like Lakers v. Clippers games. Hey, that would be a start, right?

AND FINALLY
Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt passed away recently. Figures it would be when the Chargers are playing for them. THN gave a heartfelt tribute on its AOL FanHouse page.

Lil' Hater also has his own stirring tribute to Hunt.

I'm assuming the San Diego-Chiefs game will get moved to Kansas City now, right? And that the Chargers will get screwed over on all of the calls in the game. And Dale Carter will be enshrined into the Hall of Fame, right? Oh wait, it�s only important if a Giants owner dies. Sorry, forgot about that.

Oh quite down, like you knew him.

The Office: Let's all go to Asian Hooters!

Posted a bit early due to evening plans, spoilers for "The Office" just as soon as I find a black magic marker...

After a couple of uneven post-merger episodes, the show's nearly back to full strength. I'll still probably take "Christmas Party" over "A Benihana Christmas," but it's close. Lots in common: both do outstanding work at spotlighting the entire cast (hell, even Oscar returned for a half-second tonight), and both feature Michael Scott at his most cringe-inducing (last year by instigating Yankee Swap, this year in his immediate reactions to getting dumped), and both feature Michael having unique reactions to women (photographing naked Meredith, using the marker to identify which waitress liked him), etc..

While the sequence where Michael realized he couldn't tell the two girls apart -- followed by the marker solution -- was the episode's highlight, overall I found myself enjoying the Pam and Karen half of the episode more than the stuff with the guys at Benihana. (Though, as someone who's had to sit at the far end of the table now and again, I actually felt sorry for Dwight for once.)

Jim's Women make a formidable team, and after some nervousness over seeing the two of them hanging out, even Jim jumped in with his brilliant monologue about a committee to determine the validity of the other committees. (And I love that Dwight, for all his hatred of Jim, thinks of it as an actual committee that he has a chance of joining.) The sight of the entire office torn between two parties, and Stanley of all people breaking the tie, was brilliant.

Some other things I loved:

• Michael lying down by Pam's desk and explaining that Carol wanted to do things in bed
  "that were foreign, and scary, and some wine might've helped."
• Ryan pulling a Jerry Seinfeld in "The Secret Code" and providing 1000 different excuses for why he couldn't go to Benihana, leaving Jim with nothing. ("Look alive, Halpert!")
• Kevin defiantly eating a second cupcake and getting back to his Scrantonicity roots with his karaoke rendition of "You Oughta Know."
• Toby's pain at having his gift bag stolen, including him trying to feel up the other robes to see what he had lost.

And some other thoughts, since I'm in a list-y frame of mind:

• Is there any way that it wasn't Jan on the other end of Michael's phone call about the Sandals trip?
• Am I reading too much into Jim's explanation of rebound girls, or does he consider Karen to be just a rebound from Pam? And, much as I liked the Jim/Pam thing, why? Karen's awesome, as this episode showed.

Some lines of the week:

• Jim on Michael: "It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a photo with your girlfriend and her kids and her ex-husband on a ski trip, but then, Michael's a bold guy. Is 'bold' the right word?"
• Michael: "Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley!"
• Kevin: "I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know."
• Kevin: "Double fudge... Angela... double fudge... Angela..."
• Karen and Pam: "Are we taking this too far? I say we're not taking this far enough." "I got goosebumps."
• Angela to Waitress #1: "I don't walk into your apartment and steal your Hello Kitty backpack!" (And question: is this the rudest thing Angela has ever said?)
• Oscar: "Too soon."

So what did everybody else think?

Merry Chrismukkah to all

Been out of the office most of today, including a stop by HBO to interview Ricky Gervais about season two of "Extras" (and, after being lukewarm on season one, I loved season two), so I'll get to the column link quick: a look at the improvement of "The O.C." and how hard it is for long-running dramas to reverse a creative slide.

As the column says, I wasn't wild about tonight's Chrismukkah episode. I feel like the "It's a Wonderful Life" riff has been done better too many other places, and it wasn't nearly as funny as the last several episodes have been. Since I'll be otherwise occupied this evening, feel free to use this post to comment on the episode after it airs.

Joey Porter Didn't Mean to Offend Erasure

Remember when Joey Porter called Kellen Winslow a (European cigarette)? Well, he didn't mean to offend any, you know, honest-to-goodness homosexuals. He was just trying to call Winslow's manhood into question.

"You know, that was probably a poor choice of words. So if I offended anybody, I apologize for that...I don't know ... I guess because how we used that word freely, me growing up using that word, I didn't think anything of it. Like I said, I apologize to anyone I may have offended. I didn't mean to offend anybody but Kellen Winslow. That's pretty much that. I don't want to put any more into it...Whatever I say is going to be on an extra level anyway. But like I said, I didn't think it was that big of a deal when I said it anyway. So it's over with it."

When asked for a comment, Michael Strahan said he was cool with it.

Dolphins Pretty Shady

The Miami Dolphins were convinced that the Patriots were stealing defensive signals during their previous match-up. The Dolphins responded by purchased films (where do you buy these films, eBay?) that had audio of the signals Tom Brady gives at the line - specifically the Patriots' signals to the offensive line that control Brady's protection. Armed with that information, the Dolphins listened to Brady's calls Sunday and adjusted where they brought pressure. Miami shut-out the Patriots.

Brady, upon hearing this news, said this was the worst thing an opposing team has ever done to him since the quarterback from Central was dating his sister, Marcia, in order to steal his play book.

Link to the story.

Who has an alumium pole?

Instead of a year-end Worst Of list, Matt and I have always done a Festivus list in which we rattle off the people and shows who disappointed us in the previous year. So, for example, no point putting Paris Hilton on the list, as I have nothing but bad expectations for her, but I can complain about E! president Ted Harbert for renewing "The Simple Life" and continuing her unfortunate time in the spotlight.

I'm obviously going to have a lot to say about "Studio 60," and HBO nickel-and-diming "Deadwood" to death, and "The Nine" for going in the tank so quickly, but I wanted to take some outside input this year. Who or what would you put on your own TV Festivus list for The Airing of the Grievances?

Friday Night Lights: Hi, Mrs. Coach

Not a whole lot to say about the latest "Friday Night Lights," save that Minka Kelly's line delivery drives me nuts, and that Kyle Chandler is comedy gold in his disgusted reactions to Julie and Matt. (Who told they could get a blanket? How dare they?)

Any guesses on what Waverly was really doing when she was allegedly in Africa? The obvious answer is that she was sent away to have a baby someplace discreet, but I'll leave the floor open for other options.

Palmer: Pretty Fly For A White Guy

Let's hope that Carson Palmer was kidding here, when he told the Cincinnati Enquirer that all he wanted for Christmas was, uh, a K-Fed CD. Seriously. "A lot of people don't like K-Fed, but he's alright." Check the link, he really was quoted as saying that.

Palmer also would like a new crossbow, because evidentially being the Ted Nugent of NFL quarterbacks is something Palmer is going for.

The best Christmas wish comes from T.J. Houshmandzadeh who said that he wants gas prices in California to come down. Because when he fills up his Range Rover, it costs him damn near $70. Poor baby.

Lil' Hater: Too Much Giants

Note to the NFL: NY Giants owner Wellington Mara is dead. He's been gone a year now. So you can stop sucking his (expletive) already. I thought last year was bad, when it came to sucking up to the Giants: bonus home games, blatant referee homerism, shameful attempts at "Win One for the Gipper" motivation, and sneaking the hopelessly mediocre Harry F'ing Carson into the Hall of Fame.

This year is worse.

I live 2,840 miles away from New York, about as far away as you can get. And that's for a reason -- NY can suck it. But for some reason, the NFL seems to think that I give a rat's ass about the Giants, like they're the local team, or my favorite team, or something.

Hey a-holes: they're not, and as a matter of fact, no one else on the West Coast likes them, either. So stop shoving their crappy games down our throats every f'ing week. Stop ruining our Sundays.

Despite just a basic cable package, with a maximum of five games to watch every week, I've been forced to watch all but two -- two! -- of the Giants' games this season. Eleven out of 13. Unbelievable. (Of course the one game I would've like to seen, when they crapped the bed against Vince Young, wasn't shown).

Even worse, Joe Buck announced most of these games. Christ.

It's not like the Giants are good either. In a best-case scenario they squeak in as a wild card team and get de-pantsed again in the first round, just like last year. They aren't the Super Bowl Shuffle-era Bears or anything, so stop pretending that we should care about Eli, Tiki, Michael Gayhan or any of these other under-performing media whores. We. Don't. Care.

Why can't they find other games to show? There are plenty of other mediocre NFC teams out there. I've seen Atlanta twice, Seattle two or three times, and New Orleans and Chicago a handful of games. They're all just as good, if not much better, but the powers that be seen to think we'd rather see Eli bounce passes to no-one, and for Shockey to prove that he's maybe the 15th best tight-end in the league, each and every Sunday.

It's not even a New York thing. I still haven't seen the Jets play on TV this season, and they have as good a shot as the Giants as making the playoffs. I don't get it.

Hey NFL, if I wanted to see the same lame-ass team week in and week out -- one with a useless QB, an overmatched coach who gets thrown under the bus by his players, and underperforming 'stars' making stupid penalties time and time again, I'd watch the Raiders.

Boy I can't wait to see that scintillating match-up of 7-6 Philly and NY teams next week. I'm sure Joe Buck will be there, too. Jerks.

HIMYM: Ted goes seaward (aka Ouchie in my mouth!)

"How I Met Your Mother" spoilers coming up just as soon as I figure out whether my nose is overflowing with awesome or influenza...

Like "Single Stamina," "How Lily Stole Christmas" wasn't quite up to the level of "Slap Bet" (few things are, admittedly), but it was still pretty damn good. The scene with Robin playing mom to Barney was especially funny, as was the "Ted Evelyn Mosby!" payoff to the "Ted Vivien Mosby" setup.

In case anyone was uncertain, I checked with a friend at CBS, and in case there was any confusion whatsoever, "Grinch" was code for the C-word, not the B-word. (In the rough cut I saw, Future Ted went on for quite a while about how it was a word that no woman ever wants to hear under any circumstances.)

The plot logic behind Lily being able to move all the Winter Wonderland supplies from Brooklyn to the Bronx by herself seemed written by someone who'd had a toke off whatever Flashback Lily, Flashback Ted and Flashback Marshall were smoking. And Jason Segel playing stoned? Old-home week! On the other hand, Flashback Ted's blatant Jewfro clashed with present Ted's whacko Christian cousins.

Aside from Marshall's UPS subplot falling flat, another strong episode in a season packed with them. What did everybody else think?

Keys, pens and combs: The Lost Room

Today's column was a coin flip between the "HIMYM" Super Bowl rant and reviewing Sci-Fi's new miniseries "The Lost Room," which is quite a lot of weird fun. The short version, as I don't have much time even now: Peter Krause is a cop who stumbles upon a key that can open any door and transport him into a strange motel room, and the key in turn leads him to a series of other "objects" (a microwave-blasting pen, a comb that can freeze time, a teleporting bus ticket) that a variety of whackos and do-gooders (including Kevin Pollak, Dennis Christopher, Roger Bart and Julianna Margulies) are trying to collect.

I haven't seen the third and final installment (and EW says it falls apart there), but for the first two-thirds, at least, it's a very clever, involving bit of skiffy. Check it out if you're so inclined.

Rise of the little people

Spoilers for "Doctor Who" and "Battlestar Galactica" coming up just as soon as I munch on some algae bars...

I don't usually review Sci-Fi's two Friday shows together (and have been painfully remiss in commenting on "Who" altogether of late, even as I've been unable to stop saying "Ood" at random moments throughout my day), but an accident of scheduling made for a thematic double feature: episodes of both shows in which the stars were reduced to supporting characters at best.

"Doctor Who" was more blatant in this, keeping The Doctor and Rose off-screen for all but a handful of minutes, and using the members of LINDA as an odd (not Ood), affectionate tribute to the show's own fans. Ross Ruediger (whose exhaustive analysis over on Matt's site leave me feeling better about not writing about the show weekly), suggests in his latest that LINDA is a fan message board come to life, and that Victor Kennedy is a troll:

The guy who bitches and attempts to moderate those veering away from a group's charter issue(s). He shouts "Off Topic!" at the expression of individuality, controlling cyber forums by preying on feelings of insecurity. He's the sort of dude who takes all the fun out of it by trying to absorb everyone into his way of doing things.

I've marveled in the past over this show's ability to service its guest characters in minimal amounts of time so that I care when, say, a Mrs. Moore gets zapped. Obviously, Russell T. Davies had more room than usual to work this particular brand of magic, and Marc Warren and Shirley Henderson made for a nice geek-love couple. (On the other hand, I get very uncomfortable imagining the realities of their relationship going forward, and not just the sex stuff. What happens if Elton meets a girl who isn't two-thirds concrete slab? What does Ursula do to fill her days when Elton's not around? Is she immortal? What if she gets sick of ELO?)

But the character done the biggest favor, I thought, was Jackie Tyler. Though she only had a few scenes, this was her version of "The Zeppo," the first time we've seen The Doctor's universe entirely from her viewpoint. Jackie's always been a bit of a cartoon, in both this incarnation and her Age of Steel counterpart, and this really humanized her. Like Mickey before her, she now seems too real to be just stranded in present-day London while The Doctor and Rose have their adventures. Be nice to see her go for a ride in the TARDIS, even if just the once.

The regulars had slightly more to do over on "Galactica," as Moore and company (including "Buffy" vet and celebrity blogger Jane Espenson handling freelance script duties) did one of their occasional forays into the harsh realities of life in the rag-tag fleet. The last time they tried to hit this note, we got the universally-panned "Black Market," but the parts of "The Passage" devoted to the food shortage itself worked much better. If nothing else, the actors can sell the effects of famine much more easily than they can explain why black marketeering is an essential economic force in a military/civilian/pro-am/democratic space fleet. Two moments in particular stood out: Apollo trying to boost his pilots' failing morale after they lost another ship, and Adama and Tigh laughing just a little too hard at Saul's "paper shortage" joke.

This was also a sterling episode for the visual effects department. I think Espenson (and Moore, and whoever else had a hand in the rewrite process) didn't do the best job conveying the reasons for the food shortage or for the method of traveling through the cluster, but the VFX damn sure conveyed what a difficult task this was. (Even Moore, in the podcast, has to admit that the lack of tinted cockpit windows and/or sun visors on the pilots' helmets is a contrivance so we can see the actors' faces during flight scenes.)

Where I think "The Passage" stumbled -- and even here, not nearly as far as "Black Market" did with Apollo's single mama hooker friend -- it was with the expanded spotlight on Kat. I'm usually all for the kind of episodes that spotlight the Reg Barclays and Greg Medavoys of the world. I just didn't love the execution, both Luciana Carro's performance and the amount of backstory dumped on us in the space of an hour. (As others have pointed out before me, there was also a "Lost" quality to how much we were asked to care for a previously minor/unlikable character right before she got killed off.) But Edward James Olmos saved the whole affair with the sickbay scene. I knew the whole story felt contrived, but when Adama sat down at Kat's bedside and started to talk, I forgot all about that and started to wonder when my TV room got so dusty.

The Cylon scenes continue to leave me a bit cold, and turns out I'm not the only one. I'm only 30 or so minutes into the epic, three-hour drunken roundtable podcast that got posted late last week, but Jamie Bamber very bluntly (but respectfully) tells Moore that he wishes the Cylons were more mysterious, and Moore barely hesitates before admitting that Bamber's probably right. This season (both next week's episode and the ones that will begin airing in January) obviously hinges a lot on the Cylon mythology, and if Moore, who's a lot further along in seeing episodes than we are, doesn't feel like it's working as well as he had hoped, I'm afraid of where we're going from here.

What did everybody else think? In particular, I'm still sorting through my feelings about Kara's role in Kat's death, and about her behavior in general since they left New Caprica. Complicated is good, but I start to worry that, like Veronica Mars, her writers don't realize how she's starting to come across.

The Post Mortem

The Chargers are your division champions, LT sets the single-season touchdown mark, but first (expletive) the Panthers. Has there ever been a more befuddling team than the Carolina Panthers? This team has seemed cursed ever since it lost the Super Bowl to the Patriots. Each season after that, the Panthers are tabbed to be the NFC representative in the Super Bowl and ever year it�s a bigger letdown than an Iron Maiden concert.

The Panthers are now just one big slump buster for the rest of the NFC. They are like an overweight chick sitting at the end of the bar in a halter-top, fishnet stockings and wearing too much makeup. (No, not that girl in the picture, her friend.) Philadelphia and New York have gotten back into the playoff race by getting a piece of that action. Thanks a lot Carolina. Now Eli Messiah is walking around with that goofy grin, again.

CHARGERS WIN THE WEST

The Chargers also control their own destiny for home field advantage, too. But brace yourself for the upcoming weeks. You are going to hear a lot about Marty Schottenheimer's failures in the playoffs. It is inevitable. And it�s fair, too. Everybody from Peyton Manning to Dan Marino are scrutinized for their playoff failures. So Marty is no different. But this feels much different from your typical Marty Schottenheimer-led team. Trick plays and running up the score is what Martyball is all about.

Seriously, didn't that game seem close for like a minute? Like a lot closer than that Michigan v. Ohio State game. But you couldn�t make it through one beer before the Chargers went from a somewhat close game to a four-touchdown advantage.

This is going to be Marty�' best chance to rid himself of those playoff ghosts. He has never had a running back like LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers is much better than a lot of people (us included) could have anticipated.

• Great job, LT, in breaking that record. But you couldn�t wait another week so THN could have been there live to capture it?

• Is there a lonelier place right now than the Dallas Cowboys bandwagon? What a fraud. A Super Bowl contender a week ago, now its grasp on the NFC East title is in jeopardy. Unbelievable. It is also time to start giving Drew Brees some credit. Letting Brees walk away was the right thing to do for San Diego. You never got the feeling that Brees was the guy who was going to take your team to the title. That perception is starting to change. Of course, whispers about a Chargers/Saints Super Bowl will heat up. Don't fall for it. Not with the way NFC teams jockey for position. You would be better served just to pull a name out of a hat. Oh wait, this one says �CAROLINA,� never mind.

• Bummer for all of you that had a Lance Alworth Cowboys jersey. You won't get much use out of it now.

• Of the three quarterbacks the Chargers have had over the past couple of years, who would you rather have: Rivers, Brees or Messiah? Messiah would definitely be the last one on the list.

• Longtime producer Bob Daly passed away recently, and Joe Buck was waxing poetically while the camera was focused on some clouds. But what if the guy went to hell? Like, if he was a bad dude, would they have shown a BBQ pit or something?

• How will you remember the Patriots dynasty? Because it is done. Buck could have eulogized that while he was at it. It serves New England right. Their dynasty was similar to the 1990s Cowboys, where they just felt that if they kept Tom Brady there, it would be enough. But role players are important, too. As New England is finding out.
  
  Pats fans pointed out that, unlike the Cowboys, the Patriots didn�t fire their coach. That�s true, but it seems like Bill Belichick is doing a mighty fine Barry Switzer impersonation. If Belichick is the genius that everybody believes he is, he will hopefully see the value in keeping some of these role players and realize that Brady needs to be surrounded by talent.

AND FINALLY
Why can't FOX switch from a blowout to a competitive game? (Yes, get a dish.) The suspicion is that Joe Buck would probably throw the biggest female-dog fit if they ever switched out of one of his games. It is likely in his contract or something. And if you don�t want to switch, that�s cool. But don�t taunt the audience.

"Wow, the Eagles and Redskins are having the game of the century right now, but we won�t switch to that because I�m Joe EXPLETIVE Buck.�

Go to hell, Joe Buck.

How CBS missed its big chance

Today's column, expanding on my love of "How I Met Your Mother" and my feeling that CBS should have given it, and not "Criminal Minds," the post-Super Bowl slot:

A week ago, CBS announced that an episode of "Criminal Minds" would get the primo post-Super Bowl time period. And why not? "Criminal Minds," in spite of reviews that compare it (sometimes unfavorably) to a snuff film, has been the season's biggest growth story, edging perilously close to timeslot rival "Lost" in the 18-49 demographic and occasionally passing it in total viewers. It's become such a force that ABC will actually move "Lost" back an hour to 10 o'clock Wednesdays when it returns in February.

Here's why not: Because "How I Met Your Mother" -- the best traditional sitcom left on TV, and the first true heir to "Friends" -- is also on the CBS schedule, just waiting for this kind of showcase.

What's the upside on "Criminal Minds," especially when "American Idol" will be moving into the time period just as "Lost" is moving out? True, nobody expected it to do as well as it already has this year. And there's a chance it could follow the pattern of last year's post-pigskin show, "Grey's Anatomy," which was already rising up the charts before the game and is now the most popular show on television.

But at the end of the day, as people in the TV business like to say, how much higher can "Criminal Minds" go on a network that's in the double figures on crime dramas? If you want to watch a procedural police show, chances are you're more than familiar with CBS' line-up, even if you haven't checked them all out. Maybe the Super Bowl exposure nudges this show ahead a little, but a "Grey's"-like explosion? Nah.

"How I Met Your Mother," on the other hand, is the exact kind of show that can take advantage of the borrowed Super Bowl audience. The story of five New York friends in their late 20s looking for love and having silly adventures, it's not remotely what people expect to find on CBS. If it were airing on NBC Thursdays at 8:30 four or five years ago, it would be a sensation; on CBS in 2006, it's a solidly-performing afterthought.

To read the rest, click here.