The Pleasure & The Bain

Greetings, Hater Nation!

I am Conrad Bain and I've been invited to be your guest blogger today. As some of you may know, Hater is gone on business. Over the weekend, he traveled to Asmara, Eritrea to break ground at the future site of the North African Outreach Academy, a joint project between The Hater Nation and Animosity International designed to teach Raider-hatred to children in poor and developing countries.

Now, I realize that some of you wonder what the heck Conrad Bain is doing here, on a football blog. I fully understand. When most people think of Conrad Bain, they think of the actor, a respected star of screen and stage, not merely a consummate professional, but a jet-setter, a man who is at home sashaying across a dancefloor in Barcelona with Kitty Carlisle on his cheek, or in Monaco, burning up a Baccarat table with his close personal friend, Bill Cullen.

However, don't be deceived by my gallivanting image. The Bain Man knows his way about the hallowed gridiron, and, shortly, will commence to dropping science. In doing such, I will comport myself in a friendly, dignified bearing, and I hope that you in the audience will respond in kind. However, don't be fooled by my easygoing manner. Should you choose to act toward me with the intent of provoking my displeasure, I shant hesitate to make a bitch of you.

Everyday Is Halloween In Oakland
I'll be honest right off the bat and admit that I didn't see the Raiders game yesterday. Not only that, I haven't checked the web for game highlights or even glanced at an NFL scoreboard today. But I know the Raiders won. This morning Wired News reported that servers at Greyhound.com have crashed due to a sudden demand for tickets from Oakland to Detroit. That and the fact that the hit counter at motel6.com is spinning like a slot machine tell me everything I need to know.

Regardless of the big win, though, there won't be any Raiderfans stopping by here today. With Halloween Warehouse holding their Last Chance Clearance Sale before closing their doors for eleven months, Raiderfan will be too busy replenishing his wardrobe to show up here. Any of you parents who haven't yet picked out costumes for your kids should just steer clear of the mall at this point. You don't want to get stabbed in the kidneys with a jailhouse shiv while reaching across a bargain bin for the last rubber skull, or have your kids permanently traumatized watching drunk welfare recipients murder each other over a toy plastic sword.

A guy I knew from Oakland once said to me, "Everyone's a Raider fan on Halloween!"

I smashed a bottle of 12-year-old Cadenhead scotch over his head after he said that.

Philadelphia: You Aren't Any Good.
The Eagles are never going to win a Super Bowl so long as A) Andy Reid is their coach and B) Donovan McNabb is their quarterback. Has anyone on the Philly staff taken the time to explain to McNabb that he's not allowed to throw bounce passes in the NFL? Judging by yesterday's snot throttle at the hands of the Broncos, it doesn't look like it. I haven't seen so many balls bouncing this way and that since I accidentally wandered into George Takei's dressing room after a summer stock production of The King & I.

Speaking of choads, how about the Vikings? Props to all the dopes who, after the Cryking's toothskin home victory over the 1-6 Packers, dove to the front of the Purple Party Barge and proclaimed the team a darkhorse favorite in the NFC. As you're nursing your broken ankles this morning, consider this: the Vikings will never win anything. Nothing. And not just because Mike Tice has the wit of a cinder block. Minnesota's tradition of gridiron futility is as deeply ingrained as the instincts that drive the state's citizens to place plywood shanties on frozen lakes and spear suckers through a hole. This weekend in Carolina, the Vikings were exposed more quickly than Lance Rentzel left alone with a minor. One can only hope they performed better on their boat than they do on the field, or at least let the hos keep the necklaces instead of asking for them back.

Rubley Does It Again
Props to TJ Rubley, who, nearly a decade after his legendary "Rubely Rollout" at the Metrodome, destroyed yet another late-game Packer drive yesterday in Cincinnati. Trailing 21-14, the Packers had reached the the Bengals' 28 with 23 seconds left, when Rubely appeared out of nowhere and snatched the ball from Brett Favre's hands. Once in possession of the football, Rubeley paused to audible a new play to his bewildered teammates, then spun around and galloped backwards down the field, waving and screaming with glee as he held the ball aloft... in other words, he behaved exactly as he did when he was employed.

"I recognized the audible," said William Henderson after the game. "TJ hasn't lost a step."

Rubley was eventually tackled by security officers and, hopefully, beaten like a redheaded mule.

Washington: You Aren't Any Good.
It's always fun watching Washington get smeared, and yesterday at the hands of the Giants was no different. Then I remembered that I picked the Slurs, and felt like a retard.

Okay, that take stunk, but what do you want? I'm not a professional, like, say, Adam Schefter or Steve Bisheff. If I was The Bish, I'd say something like, "With two consecutive wins under their belt, the Giants have got to be feeling pretty good right now. If this team can continue to win each week, I think their fans will have plenty to smile about."

Finally...

Air Force Academy football coach Fisher Deberry came under fire last week after his team's loss to Texas Christian when he said, "Afro-American kids can run very, very well. Their (TCU's) defense had 11 Afro-American kids on their team and they were a very good defensive football team."

Deberry's comments set off a firestorm of anger and criticism, which an apology from the Academy has so far been unable to quell. Fortunately, Coach Deberry received some public relations help this morning from his close personal friend, William Bennett, who sought to clarify the coach's remarks.

"I think what Fisher meant to say," explained Bennett, "is that if you were to abort all Afro-Americans, TCU would see a marked decrease in the speed of their defense."

Bennett was eventually tackled by security officers and, hopefully, beaten like a redheaded mule.

Happy Halloween

I haven't worn a costume since a brush with the law 14 years ago (long story), but I do love this holiday. Today's All TV column is Halloween-themed. It started off as an excuse to make fun of Danni's skeletal physique on "Survivor" again, but I eventually came up with some legitimately scary TV events.

The biggest (and by far strangest) event of my weekend was being inducted into my high school's Hall of Fame. The other inductees included a pediatric cardiologist, a multi-millionaire and a record-holding fullback who went on to play at Penn State. And then there was me. Hell, I'm not even the most famous guy in my own graduating class (that would be Pete Yorn). But it was a nice honor, I got to see some of my favorite teachers, and I was able to take some lessons from all those years reviewing the Oscars and Emmys by keeping my speech as short as possible while still finding time to thank my agent, my business manager and my three attorneys.

Most of my weekend viewing was spent on advance screeners of tomorrow's shows, including "The Office" (which opens with the funniest three minutes on TV so far this season), "House" (which brings in Ron Livingston -- forever loved in my house because of "Office Space" -- as a sort of anti-House), and "Bones" (a show that spends far too much time kissing its main character's ass to make her seem more interesting than she actually is).

I also endured the opening 20 minutes of "SNL," which tends to be more painful than usual when an athlete hosts. (The main exception: Wayne Gretzky, whose episode in the late '80s included both "Waikiki Hockey" and "Fishing with the Anal-Retentive Sportsman.") Almost as excruciating was the latest "Curb Your Enthusiasm." I still refuse to buy into the shark-jumping theory here ("The Larry David Sandwich" and "Kamikaze Bingo" were too good for that), but this may have been the worst "Curb" ever. Predictable, slow, and not even the Larry/Lewis scenes had any zing.

I had already reviewed last night's "Grey's Anatomy," easily the best episode they've done so far. "West Wing," meanwhile, was like the "Back to the Future Part II" of "West Wing" episodes: an entire installment devoted to setting up the next one. Despite all the talk about how great Donna was on TV, she seemed stiff, and the White House press corps wouldn't punch themselves out so quickly on the Toby thing if our actual press is any indication.

What's Up For Week 8?

You have questions about the upcoming week? The Hater Nation will try to provide with the answers, as only we can.

What's up with the St. Louis football situation?

It is pretty grave. Mike Martz has threatened St. Louis football fans by saying that he will be back to coach the team next season. But it is looking more and more like Martz will not be welcomed back at all. This is horrible news. The St. Louis football team and Martz were a perfect marriage of inept ownership/management matched only by a clueless coaching staff. It is like Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men. We want Martz on that wall, and need him on that wall. But there is no reason to push the panic button if Martz is let go. Let's remember that when Georgia Frontiere and John Shaw were running the Rams, they traded away Eric Dickerson and brought in esteemed quarterbacks such as a washed up Bert Jones and Dieter Brock. There is reason to believe that they will capture that same lightning in a bottle with the St. Louis football team.

One wild card to consider is what happens to Martz. The beleaguered coach could find himself without a job. The Raiders could find themselves in need of a football coach. Could you imagine?

What is the worst quarterback controversy in the history of the NFL?

You would think that the on-going Trent Dilfer/Charlie Frye drama in Cleveland could be the worst quarterback controversy ever. But the Cleveland might not even be the worst quarterback controversy of the season. San Francisco coach Mike Nolan is debating between starting Alex Smith and Ken Dorsey. That is like trying to decide which broad you find attractive in Dove's campaign for beauty. Sure not all women look like swimsuit models, but most women are better looking than Chyna and the typical starting five of your average WNBA team. Who were the ad wizards that came up with that? What a horrible campaign. As Homer Simpson would say, "I like my beer cold, TV loud, and my models emaciated."

Although it has been reported that Sheryl Swoopes is a huge fan of the campaign.

Which quarterback has single-handedly killed the most fantasy football franchises, Daunte Culpepper or Peyton Manning?

It is Manning and it is not even close. If you selected Culpepper in your fantasy draft, here is a sign�it says that you are an idiot. How did you not see this coming? Even if Peter King wants you to believe that the Vikings are going to be better off without Randy Moss, nobody believed it. If you drafted Culpepper, you have nobody to blame.

Manning is a different story. Manning was a top-three pick in everybody�s draft, even the top pick in some instances. There was no empirical evidence that Manning was going to turn into a modern day Troy Aikman. The Cowboys signal caller might have been the best quarterback in the 1990s, but he was fantasy death as he handed the ball to Emmitt Smith. The only hope is that Peyton will eventually grow tired of all of the praise draped on the Eli Messiah and will start tossing six touchdown passes a game.

Speaking of Peyton and Eli, how long until this evolves into a rivalry much like brothers Bret and Owen Hart? It will not be long before Peyton has a meltdown on national television telling everybody that he is not a "Nugget."

Greg Louganis says, "Dive into the Hater Nation Forums." You know you really want to sound off about this. Click here.

The network that cried wolf

NBC loves hype. "Don't miss the final two minutes!" "The greatest half-hour in the history of television!" "A sexual experience so intense it could conceivably change your political views!"

At this point, I just tune that crap out, so when NBC began airing its sixteenth iteration of "Biggest. Boardroom. Ever!" promos for last night's "Apprentice," I barely noticed. I gave up on the show midway through last spring's disaster, and saw nothing in this year's first couple of episodes to make me want to come back.

Which is a shame, because from what I've been told (and what I've since read in recaps like this one), for once the hype wasn't BS. Instead of firing one incompetent at a time until he has to choose between the two least-objectionable contestants, The Donald decided to stop screwing around and canned four at once, leading to what sounds like the most uncomfortable cab ride of all time. A friend called it "a potentially show-saving move," and he may be right. The big objection to the last few seasons has been the massive number of contestants with the business sense of a coconut. If Trump (who claims to have hand-picked this cast, by the way) can't pick qualified people to start out with, the least he can do is get rid of the real morons as quickly as possible. I'll check out one of the CNBC reruns over the weekend, and may actually give the show one last shot.

At the very least, I appear to have missed the better Mark Burnett show last night, because "Survivor: Guatemala" just isn't doing it for me. All the players I like are being voted out, while the jerkwad alliance of Judd (Jersey represent!), Jamie and Stephenie should be around for a long time, even if none of them win. Plus, Danni's getting so scary thin that I'm afraid to look directly at her anymore. Lara Flynn Boyle probably outweighs her at this point.

Oh, and recent column links: a Wednesday mailbag dealing with ABC's high commercial load and the question of what all those producers listed in a show's credits really do; a review of Sunday night's terrific "Grey's Anatomy"; and today's grab-bag including reviews of "Vampire Bats," "I Shouldn't Be Alive" and "Masters of Horror."

NFL to Exploit New Orleans Post Katrina

Leave it to the NFL to never pass up the opportunity to make a little money. As New Orleans continues to clean its streets and rebuild its city in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, NFL owners are swooping in like a proverbial pack of locust. Remember all of the goodwill the NFL had when it held a telethon for the victims of Katrina? That seems like a lifetime ago. Now the business of the NFL, which means exploiting local municipalities, is back in full swing.

The Washington Post is reporting that the NFL could relocate the Saints to Los Angeles if New Orleans does not come up with the money for a new stadium. But before fans in Southern California purchase a Deuce McAllister jersey, consider a few things.

Where is the team going to play? Who is going to pay to refurbish the Coliseum or build a stadium in Anaheim? If Tom Benson is not going to invest his own money to build in New Orleans, what makes you think he will pay for a stadium in Southern California.

And do not even think that local taxpayers are going to approve a stadium proposal. That is not happening.

Maybe Tom Benson will sell the team. The Washington Redskins were sold to Daniel Snyder for $800 million. The expansion Houston Texans went for $750 million. So a new owner would have to pay nearly $1 billion for a team and then build his own stadium. That is realistic. Almost as realistic as the notion expressed by Anaheim City Manager Dave Morgan who said that the NFL would be considering two teams in the region�one in downtown LA and the other in Anaheim.

Yeah, right. That would be an awful lot of NFL-staged telethons to raise that kind of money. The NFL has no intention to return to Los Angeles. Instead the NFL wants the ravaged gulf coast region to pony up for a new stadium for Benson and sadly, he will get it.

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Good night, and good TV

Snuck out to see "Good Night and Good Luck" last night. A great-looking film, fine performances (is David Strathairn ever not brilliant?) and a great topic -- and Clooney doesn't beat you over the head with the parallels between the Red Menace and the War on Terror -- but I couldn't help feeling that anyone who didn't go in knowing a fair amount about McCarthy would be baffled. My back was grateful it's a pretty short movie, since the theater I went to had chairs designed by the Torquemada, but I felt like there could have been more set-up about the threat of McCarthyism. And that in turn would have made the actions of Murrow, Fred Friendly and company that much more heroic.

Came home to see a pretty good "Veronica Mars" episode. This year's mandate to ease up on Kristen Bell's crippling workload gave us a Wallace-heavy episode, and Percy Daggs delivered. Given all the talk about how jealous Wallace's girlfriend is of Veronica, I wonder why the writers haven't bothered to look at this subject from Duncan's point of view. For that matter, have we ever seen Duncan and Wallace so much as talk to each other? He filled a major purpose last year, but Duncan seems to be taking up space right now.

For me, though, the highlight came from Enrico Colantoni during the scene where Veronica plays Keith the bus crash voicemail. He made me feel shaken, and I know this is all fiction. Sometimes, actors who get stuck on bad sitcoms ("Hope & Gloria," "Just Shoot Me") deserve it; other times, they're much better than the material allows them to show. Maybe it's time to pop in my "Galaxy Quest" DVD again. Never give up, never surrender. (Say it with me: I'm a big fat dork.)

In terms of Tuesday TV, I've officially dropped "Amazing Race," and with "House" and the NBC comedies taking the night off, the only shows I watched (in between glimpses of the World Series) were "Gilmore Girls" and "Boston Legal."

A much better "Gilmore" than the week before, but Alexis Bledel's limitations are just killing the show right now. There are all these Rory scenes that I know are supposed to be funny, but her mush-mouthed delivery is ruining them. We got an excercise bike recently, and I try to kill two birds with one stone by riding it during primetime. The bike has become my new measuring stick for TV. If I'm enjoying something, I can ride a long time without even noticing the exertion; if the show's not that exciting, all I can think about is how I can't wait to stop pedaling. During "Gilmore Girls," I slow down for Rory and speed up for Lorelai. And with the heavy dose of Rory lately, I had to stop watching the episode for a while and pop in a "Battlestar Galactica" DVD just to get through my ride.

"Boston Legal" is one of those shows I half pay attention to while catching up on e-mail, but it's become a kind of fun party game to figure out which scenes are from last year and which ones are new. Obviously, anything with Julie Bowen or the other new lawyers were shot for this season, but was the Monica Potter stuff a leftover, or did they actually bring her back to dazzle us with more bad acting?

Off to write a review of "Vampire Bats." In a shock, it's a horror movie where horny college kids get attacked whenever they try to have sex. Never seen that before.

Big WNBA News

Well, at least as big as news about a fake sports league can be.

The WNBA on Wednesday celebrated the announcement of its first ever heterosexual fan. Long-time fan Sandra Hooper announced on Wednesday that she was indeed a heterosexual and actually loved men. Hooper, a season ticket holder for the Los Angeles Sparks, said that despite the obvious signs�flannel shirt, mullet hair style and, you know, WNBA season tickets�she is 100 percent into guys.

"Yep, I truly love men," Hooper said. "I like real men like Siegfried & Roy, Charles Nelson Riley, Brian Boitano, and Terrell Owens. I just love them."

Hoopers' announcement came on the heels of reigning WNBA MVP Sheryl Swoopes who came of the closet on Wednesday when she announced she was a lesbian. Fans were caught off-guard. No, not that there was a lesbian in the WNBA, but rather that the WNBA still existed. Swoopes told ESPN the Magazine that she did not come out closet earlier in fear that the league�s lone heterosexual fan�Sandra Hooper�would not look up to her as a role model.

"It is important to make sure that the minority of our fan base did not feel disenfranchised," Swoopes said.

Swoopes said that it "irritates" her that nobody talks about male athletes being gay in other sports, but it has become an issue in the WNBA. Greg Louganis agreed with that assessment and both former Olympic champions are looking forward to the day there is a gay athlete in a real sport.

"We're looking at you Tom Brady."

Bird Says She is Still Straight

Seattle point guard Sue Bird went out of her way on Wednesday to point out that she was still heterosexual and was still looking for some guy�any guy�to find her attractive. Bird also wanted to mention that her match.com profile is still active and looking for its first hit. There were no takers as of press time.

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Ask a Raiders Fan

The Hater Nation, as a service to you, will interact with Raiders fans periodically on the Internet. Because seriously, you do not want to interact with these people. Trust us. These responses were taken directly from a Raiders message board and have not been altered in any way. We would like to point out that it took only two responses before we were threatened with physical violence. It's a new record.

Question: What do guys such as Violater, PharaohRaider, and GladiRaider dress up as on Halloween? We suggest going to a football game as an intelligent fan, complete with newspaper and armed with football knowledge. Maybe you could go without stabbing a guy for an afternoon.

You know what's funny? You would never say this to one of their faces. They'd stomp the shit out of you and you know that. So therefore, you're going on the Internet talking all sorts of ignorant shit. May God have pity on you desolate soul.

Does the irony of threating somebody with violence, over the internet, ever hit these guys?

Question: The Raiders won one football game over a mediocre football team. Are the Raiders going back to the Super Bowl?

Admit it: you see a Raider Renaissance and it scares you shitless. We're coming together as a team and ou can expect more pain in the very near future. Now, go put on your Madonna outfit and hit the streets, your pimp is getting impatient! Also, I noticed you haven't said who YOU pull for. Trying to hide something here, little girl?

Yep, Lamont Jordan rushed for three touchdowns against the worst team against the rush and it is a renaissance. Well at least its a renaissance for Raiders fans who have reverted back to the worst in the NFL.


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Worst. Coach. Ever.

Lil' Hater Drops Some Science

The morning after watching Atlanta coach Jim "pass me the smelling salts" Mora Jr. lead his team to another easy victory�despite the total absence of a passing game�Lil' Hater got to thinking. And as they often do, his thoughts came back to this unanswerable question: Why, exactly, is Norv Turner still an NFL head coach?

Any bobblehead with access to profootballreference.com can see that Turner's coaching history places him squarely on the short list for worst long-term NFL head coach of all time. Making his ugly mug's location on the Raiders' sideline perhaps understandable to some extent.

With a flattering 2005 record of 2-4 putting the Raiders in the basement of the AFC West once again, the signs are clear that this season will be no aberration in the Turner resume, which lists an overall record of 56-74-1. Let's be generous and assume the Raiders go 4-6 the rest of the season, putting Norv�s W-L record at 60-80.

Not so bad, you say? Consider these hastily assembled facts:

Since 1950, there have been 29 head coaches who have lasted long enough, and won enough, to chalk up 80 losses along the way. Twenty-two of those 29 coaches have winning records. 21 of those 29 coaches have won, or at least been to, an NFL or AFL championship game, including such titans of the clipboard as Sam Wyche (84-107) and George Wilson (68-84).

In fact, in the past 55 years of pro football, only three of those 29 coaches with 80+ losses have neither made the league's championship game, nor finished with a winning record. Those three are the hapless John McKay (44-84), the doting Ted Marchibroda (87-98), and the before-my-time Norm VanBrocklin (66-100). And you�ll be able to add Norv�s name to this underachieving list at the end of the season.

Yet McKay was saddled from the get go with an expansion team and was a legend at the University of Southern California. Marchibroda had to deal with the franchise relocation of the Balitmore Ravens, and the complete and utter embarrassment that was Art Model and his family of money-grubbing thieves. Marchibroda, who previously coached the Balitmore Colts, laid the foundation of an eventual Super Bowl champion. Turner, on the other hand, has been gifted a head coaching position with two of the league's glamour teams, and has on each occasion driven those franchises right into the ground. And both McKay and Marchibroda at least made the conference championship once apiece, while in his sole playoff appearance Norv was thwarted from reaching the NFC Championship Game by the QB heroics of Shawn King.

That's right, outwitted by Shawn King.

So with a record of glorious failure like this, is it really surprising that Randy Moss isn't getting the ball enough, that LaMont Jordan has to beg for more touches, and that the team can�t line up without a penalty being called? No, it really isn�t. Now in his second disappointing season with the Raiders, the Norv Turner II era is going much as the Norv Turner I era went � that is to say, nowhere. And fast.

Allegedly a nice guy, Norv is the Michael �Brownie� Brown of the NFL. A product of NFL cronyism, in over his head, standing by idly while his teams sink into the abyss. Yet there appears to be no clamor within the Raider organization, or their allegedly rabid fan base, for change. Among the many, many mistakes made by Al Davis & Co., this could be the most glaring.

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Since I been gone

Spent the weekend in Boston, which should be my last travel weekend for a while, but it still leaves me lagging behind on TV.

Before I get to what I have seen lately, some links:

• Monday's All TV column, with Matt giving what may be The Star-Ledger's first positive review of a Lifetime original production in three years (since "Any Day Now" got canceled).
• Today's All TV column, leading off with my review of the disappointing season finale of "Over There" (which was pretty disappointing all season, frankly).
• Ellen Gray in the Philly Daily News delivering a backlash against the predictable "Desperate Housewives" backlash.
• A column by Pittsburgh Post-Gazette TV critic Rob Owen about the rise of dramas with female leads.
• Melanie McFarland from the Seattle P-I giving some blunt advice to Martha Stewart and Tyra Banks.

As for what I've watched in the last day or so, let's go in reverse chronological order:

"Prison Break": Hey, did you know this show is on Fox? They were so subtle in plugging it during the baseball playoffs that I wasn't sure if everyone knew about it. (As Phil Rosenthal pointed out to me, the "Prison Break" ads weren't as unintentionally funny as the "Skin" campaign ("His father is THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY!!!!!!") or last year's "House" ads ("You're risking A PATIENT'S LIFE!!!") because none of the main characters on "Prison Break" yell much.)

Way back in August, I called this the best new drama of the season. It probably still is, but more by default, and I spend more time multi-tasking while watching it than I should during a thriller. I'm a sucker for stories about men of different backgrounds forced together to do a tough job ("The Magnificent Seven," "The Professionals" and, of course, "The Great Escape"), and the scenes inside the prison walls are fun, if completely ridiculous. I mean, the chief hack strangled a cat, for God's sake! But whenever we cut back to The Conspiracy, I zone out. Not even the relevation that Patricia Wettig is the Vice-President was much of a shock, given that this is the season of "Commander-in-Chief."

"How I Met Your Mother": Not as good as last week's club episode, but passable. The angel and the devil battling for Ted's soul was the highlight, along with Barney's constant costume changes (you can read more about them on his blog), and the trick photo of the parrot on the pirate's shoulder. Given that last scene, though, I think the creators are making a big mistake being so definitive that Robin isn't Ted's future wife. Ted is a lot more interesting and likable when he's with her than he's been with any other woman, but barring some real Houdini writing, they're destined to stay apart.

"The West Wing": I once asked my mom what she thought of some depressing Oscar-bait movie (I think it was "The Hours") and, after a long pause to figure out something nice to say about it, replied, "There was a lot of acting. Basically, it was all about acting." This week's "West Wing" was all about acting, but in a good way. I don't for a second believe that Toby would have let the leak investigation go as far as it did before he martyred himself, but the scenes between him and CJ, him and Babish and him and the president were terrific. Too bad the flash-forward from the season premiere eliminates any suspense over Toby possibly doing serious jail time.

"Grey's Anatomy": Apparently, the DGA has some sort of clause that requires every hospital drama to hire Mark Tinker to direct at least one episode. First he was one of the executive producers on "St. Elsewhere," then directed episodes of "ER," "Chicago Hope" and now "Grey's." This was another episode with stories we've seen a million times before on other doctor shows, but they felt specific to this one. "ER" played the trapped in an elevator bit for major suspense; here, it was more of black comedy. And next week's episode looks an awful lot like the "Subway" episode of "Homicide," but I expect just enough variety to keep it interesting. The highlight of the episode, by far: Sandra Oh's bored, embarrassed porn story. That, and all the references to the Hmong making me think of the "Wayne's World" sketch where Garth was freaked out by the word "mung."

Blackout

Lil Hater's Report From Oakland

OAKLAND -- California's get tough on criminals policy has finally come back to haunt the Oakland Raiders, as the team�s game against the Buffalo Bills was played in front of thousands upon thousands of empty seats. Those in the know blame the tens of thousands of Raider fans who were either recently incarcerated or deported as the reason for the embarrassing attendance figures.

The announced attendance for the Raiders-Bills match up was a paltry 42,779, which is only two-thirds of the official capacity of the McAfee Coliseum. However, eyewitnesses say that the stadium looked much emptier than that, with a majority of the upper deck vacant, and the mezzanine only half-full. Much like an Atlanta Braves postseason game.

The vast amount of no-shows caused the game to be blacked-out on local television, depriving viewers with High-Definition TVs in the Bay Area the ability to examine head coach Norv Turner's ghastly and pitiable complexion up close and personal. It was the second straight Raiders home game blacked out, and it was also the lowest attendance figure seen at the Mausoleum since last year�s final home game, against Jacksonville. According to local reports, the Raiders won the game, 38-17.

Don't blame the humiliating attendance figures on fickle Raider "fans" who would rather stick a fork in their eye than see their inept team stagger through the motions on yet another Sunday, Raider die-hards say. Instead, chalk up the no-shows to California�s stringent "Three-Strikes-and-Out" policy, which has sent a large percentage of the team�s hard-core base � consisting of petty thieves, meth addicts and wife beaters � to the pokey.

"All fans want to be like the raider [sic] fans," said one Internet scribe today. "we [sic] aer [sic] the most loyal fans anywhere adn [sic] people are afraid of us. thats [sic] a good thing."

The other 42,778 loyal fans at the game, a mere 48,000 less than was seen that day at the Redskins-San Francisco game at FedEx Field, concurred with this assessment.

"The fact that this team has no shot of making a playoff run, is poorly coached, and lacks heart has no basis whatsoever on why fans aren�t coming to games any more, a mere seven weeks into the season," the fan is thought to have considered saying, had he basic typing skills.

To read more rantings from lunatics, click here.

St. Louis Won't Grant Dying Coach's Last Wish

Does this seem like a bad movie clich� to anybody else? Mike Martz, convalescing at home, tried send in a play call over the phone (a running play�maybe they thought it was fake), only to be denied by the evil owner�s henchman, Jay Zygmunt. Even Tom Benson is not this malicious.

At least Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis had the decency to grant the wish of a dying 10-year old boy who called the Irish's first play against the University of Washington. Then again, it was the University of Washington�a team even the Saints could handle.

I would like to see this play out like Necessary Roughness where current interim coach Joe Vitt tries to imitate Martz by calling a pass on every down, but eventually breaks down and calls a running play for Stephen Jackson. Then Martz shows up at halftime for the big game, tells his team it was just indigestion, makes a horrible challenge on an non-reversible play, followed by a bumbling play call as the St. Louis football team loses the big game to keep them out of the playoffs. That is a Hollywood ending.

You can discuss this further at our revamped forums by clicking here.

Status as a Fan Now Under Review

I hate officials.

I am in favor of calling games the same way you officiate a pick-up basketball game, everybody calls their own fouls. Maybe congress could pass this while they are trying to rid baseball of steroids. Yeah, it is a Raider-fan thing to do to blame the officials. And its not that the Chargers lost Sunday's game entirely because of the referees. It is just tiring to see a referee�s incompetence affect the outcome of games.

And let this be a memo to those twits who want replay in baseball. It will not matter. Officials are afraid to overturn a call in fear of showing up their buddy. Too often an official will use the cop-out of "inconclusive evidence" as a crutch for further incompetence. If you see a knee on the ground and a ball in possession, call what you see. Even if Dan Dierdorf is screaming, "the ball is almost coming loose." What is that supposed to mean anyway? Referees are supposed to anticipate a ball coming loose and call a fumble?

Again, Josh Paul could have tagged the batter. Reche Caldwell could have had two hands on the football. That is not the point here. Do not let the overwhelming of incompetence of referees or umpires sour games. It seems like only yesterday that Ed �Guns� Hochuli was the only media-whoring official. Now your average referee is getting more time than your average American Idol camera copulator. I saw the referee of the Chargers game so much, I did not know if he was calling a game or plugging appearance in Vampire Bats.

The officials are becoming bigger stars than the players. The Chicago White Sox had four pitchers toss complete games in the American League Championship Series. But history will likely only remember Doug Eddings. The Eagles held the best running back on the planet, LaDainian Tomlinson, to basically no yards. The special teams made a great block on special teams. But all anybody can talk about is the botched replay review.

I have enough conclusive evidence that the referee did not want to overturn a call and show some backbone.

It�s time to let the players earn the victory. The Angels probably would have lost in extra innings. Drew Brees might have pulled the Rick Kane on the next play. It would have been nice to find out.

Not So Fast Raiders Fan

Raiders fan probably read the above and said, "Yeah just like the tuck rule." Actually that is the exact opposite. The referee in that game actually have the huevos rancheros to make the correct call and the Patriots went on to earn the victory. You can argue the stupidity of the tuck rule, but the referee made the right call in that instance.

World Series Update

The referees botched a call when Jermaine Dye fouled a ball off his bats, but was awarded first base by the home plate umpire who thought it hit his arm. We guarantee you that replay would not have overturned that call. The White Sox again might have gone on to win that game. The Sox could go on to win the World Series but the Chicago Curse will always linger because this team was the biggest beneficiary of bad officiating in post season history. It is a shame because the White Sox have the best team this season. Would have been nice to know for sure.

Isn't it funny in a year when the White Sox might break the Black Sox curse, it sure looks like the umpires on in on a fix.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

How much rain is it going to take for Major League Baseball�or better yet, FOX�to call a game. There was more rain in the World Series game last night than that fateful game in All the Right Moves.

Jeff Garcia is the Savior

Lions quarterback Jeff Garcia returned from a major injury and led the Lions to a road victory over the Cleveland Browns. Congratulations, Detroit. Your magic number is two. Likewise, the Seahawks might have secured the NFC West with their fifth victory of the season.

No Corks Popped in Florida

A would-be champagne party in Florida ended in misery on Sunday. Not, it was not because of the impending Hurricane Wilma. Instead it was members of the 1972 Dolphins and 1976 Buccaneers that had gathered in hopes that the winless Houston Texans would defeat the undefeated Indianapolis Colts saving both teams perfect marks. The Dolphins went 14-0 in 1972, and the Buccaneers were 0-14 in 1976.

It was not to be.

"It is such a shame," so-called Dolphins legend Nick Buoniconti said. "But at least it gives us more reason to remain in the spotlight even thought the world is tired of us. And seriously, does anybody have a job for me? I�ll speak at your corporate function. I�ll work for food."

And a bottle of champagne that might not be opened this year.

Career Choices

What has gotten into Charlize Theron? It seems like she has gone out of her way to ugly herself up with roles in Monster and the newly released North Bound. Is she tired of being sexy? There has not been a career change this inexplicable since Peyton Manning decided he no longer wanted to throw touchdown passes.

But cheer up Theron fans. The African-American starlet will soon star in Aeon Flux. Coming to theaters in December.

Be sure to check out our new and improved Hater Nation forums by clicking here. As John Blutarsky would say, "Come on in and post. It don't cost nothing.

And how could you argue with Bluto?

'Blackpool' and Bobby Jon

The "Viva Blackpool" review ran this morning. I also wrote the second item of today's All TV, riffing on NBC's dueling Tina Fey/Aaron Sorkin behind-the-scenes at "SNL" shows in development.

"Survivor" was a little better than it's been of late, mainly because we had one guy go crazy and another make a drunk ass out of himself. "Survivor" has had plenty of batshit contestants in the past, but I think Bobby Jon may be the batshittiest. While the grand return of Stephenie has been a bust -- not only does she seem like just another contestant, but an unlikable one at that -- last night was some of the vintage Bobby Jon caveman routine from Palau. As for Judd (Jersey represent!), whoo boy is he a moron -- and a poor sportsmanship, too. Multiple beer + fatigue + malnourishment + overabundance of maletosterone - any real brain power = memorable Tribal Council flareup. And it looks like Amy is kicking "Goad Gary" into overdrive next week, which should be entertaining. Hogeboom seems like a nice guy, but Jon Lovitz was a more convincing liar.

Finally got around to this week's "Curb Your Enthusiasm," and I sure hope the pissing and moaning about this season lets up now, because that was brilliant from start to finish. The chicken/kamikaze scene, the suicide poker game (loved Phil Rosenthal obsessing over the food in the background), the hateful Bingo lady, Larry's dad watching porn at rock concert volume -- I was gasping for breath a few times from laughing too hard.

Today's mission: get caught up on "Everybody Hates Chris," "Bodies" and whatever else I have lying around on the TiVo.

Jerry Rice Joins Ranks With Canseco

Jerry Rice has decided to join the long line of former greats that soiled their careers with faulty post-career decisions. Magic Johnson had the Magic Hour. Larry Bird had his McDonalds commericals and his horrific cameo in Blue Chips. Or Isaiah Thomas had his handling of the CBA, the Pacers, and the New York Knicks.

Rice will join Karl Malone, Jennie Finch and other athletes that cannot stay out of the spotlight who will compete against average fans in a new reality show. "Pros vs. Joes," which will air in 10 one-hour episodes on Spike TV starting in April, will feature contestants competing against each other and 19 famous sports figures in a variety of reality-show challenges and real sporting events - everything from football to ice skating.

Take that Survivor.

Spike TV grabbed two sporting legends and some softball chick for their crappy network. Survivor is the top-rated reality show in the world and the best they could manage is Gary Hogeboom. Crossing Over with John Edwards, however, was able to contact the ghost of Don Hutson�the greatest NFL player of all-time, so score board.

Rice said that he was looking forward to the challenge and did not believe that it would negatively impact his image.

�I got caught in a whore house, do you think I could make anything worse,� Rice said.

Seriously, why is Jennie Finch popular?

Finch is an average looking chick at best, mainly a creation of ESPN. The girl looks like an alien as her eyes are spread too far apart. Finch is the kind of person you would cast if you wanted an ugly version of Pamela Anderson. But Finch is elevated because she played sport. As my friend, Mikey Two Beers, likes to point out, she is a �cheeseburger in a fat farm.� A cheeseburger might be just an average cheeseburger, but put it in front of a bunch of dieting heifers and it is the most attractive looking food in he world and people will fight over it.

Danica Patrick, Summer Sanders, Jeanie Zelasko, Misty May, and Mandy Beard are among those that fall into this category. Even a liquored up Joe Namath would not find these girls hot. These girls are considered hot if you bunk with Ted Kaczynski in a one-bedroom in Idaho. Maybe Finch would be considered hot if your CD collection includes an entire catalog of Barbara Streisand. Maybe she would be considered hot if you trolled for girls with Matt McNamara from Nip/Tuck.

Get the picture?

It is not to say that womens athletics is devoid of hot girls. Gabby Reece is hot. LPGA babe Natalie Gulbis is hot. Soccer star Amy Warner is hot. Dancer Kelly Monaco is hot. And yes, ballroom dancing is a sport�just ask Matt Leinart. Tennis is filled with hot babes. Of course, neither of them are the Williams sisters.

Lets go through the list. Finch is considered hot because she plays sports. Maria Sharapova is a hot girl that plays tennis. See the difference?



Sue Bird is considered hot because she plays sports. Lokelani McMichael is a hot girl that competes in tri-athlons.



Do we need to go on here? You are all probably saying yes, but this site is not Sports By Brooks. Go look up sports babes yourself. If you do not want to weigh in on this subject on the message boards, go find yourself a sewing circle. Otherwise give your thoughts on our brand new message boards by clicking here. Alright, there might be more pictures of girls there later.

What's Up For Week 7?

The NFL finally admitted today that is mishandled the Saints situation without actually putting out a fake press release from Brian Gooberman. Actually the league did not admit its mistake with any words, but rather its reaction to Hurricane Wilma.

The Dolphins and Chiefs will play Friday night as the league moved up the game from Sunday in anticipation of Wilma. But why not move the game to Kansas City and play on Sunday or Monday night? Why not put up a few banners, paint the end zone aqua and orange, and call it a Miami home game? Why not put on a fake telethon and have Kanye West announce that Paul Tagilabue does not care about Cuban people?

Why? Because it is a stupid idea. Moving a game to Kansas City would only be an unfair advantage for the Chiefs. But of course, not for the Giants who were the beneficiaries earlier this season.

Why is nobody more outraged by this?

The league also will start the game at 4 p.m. Pacific Time. So in other words, the league has no problem forcing fans to stay up way past midnight on a Tuesday morning. But they will get you to bed nice and early on Friday night.

You know, the night when people could stay up late.

The league said that it was starting the game early so it would not compete with high school football. Yet, the league had no problem starting the NFL season on a Thursday night when yours truly was covering a high school game.

Are the Saints marching to San Antonio?

The Saints are playing in a crappy dome, in front of disinterested fans and a rows and rows of empty seats. It is like they never left New Orleans. The only thing New Orleans has over San Antonio is the �Beer Looter Dude.� The more pressing question might be where are the VooDoo going to play in 2007? The club already has canceled its 2006 Arena Football League season. AFL commissioner David Baker does not care about the Beer Looter Dude.

How stupid do you feel if you passed on Shaun Alexander to draft Peyton Manning in your fantasy football draft?

Very.

What is the impact of Tedy Bruschi coming back to the NFL?

It sure must ruin Manning�s day. The whole thing is like the Vince McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin saga in the WWF. McMahon was on television recently flaunting Austin�s retirement only to be stunned by Austin�s arrival in the building. It is a shock that Bruschi did not show up to Colts practice this week just to harass a befuddled quarterback. This feud cannot end until Manning is laid up in a hospital with a leg injury and Bruschi shows up to beat him with a bedpan.

It will be a slobber-knocker as Jim Ross likes to say.

Are the Broncos for real at 5-1?

Sure. The Broncos have started 5-1 over the past couple of seasons and have zero playoff wins to show for it. With this many meaningless regular season victories and playoff defeats, there is no more further proof the Mike Shanahan once coached the Raiders.

How about a Survivor update?

Our man, Gary Hogeboom, was given immunity from one of the gay guys. Another gay guy and some annoying woman were voted out of the jungle.

You can discuss this further at our revamped message boards by clicking here.

Buddy ball

My big viewing extravaganza for the evening was going through the special features disc on my new DVD copy of "Hoosiers" (only my favorite movie and the inspiration for my hopeless addiction to underdog sports stories). Thanks to the deleted scenes, I now know how Buddy winds up rejoining the team and what Barbara Hershey was doing in the movie in the first place. Good times.

I saved the new "South Park" to watch tonight, but I got to Wednesday's other two big shows, with mixed but mostly positive reaction to both:

"Lost": Another flashback with no real new info, but Jin and Sun are two of the show's best (and most underused) characters, so I was happy to see them get some time in the spotlight. In the present tense, I like Mr. Echo a lot, especially now that I'm no longer expecting him to throw Sawyer over a table and do to him what Adebisi did to Peter Schibetta. On the other hand, Ana-Lucia seems to exist solely to complain whenever any of our heroes (and, by extension, the audience) try to get answers about what's going on, and if I didn't think she could stomp me good, I'd want to punch her. Good to see Jack has temporarily removed the stick from his ass, and that Jin is slowly getting to use English outside of dream sequences. From a What Did We Learn standpoint, not much here; from a Did I Enjoy It point of view, lots to chew on.

"Veronica Mars": Shortly after season one's "The Girl Next Door," Rob Thomas told me that he wasn't crazy about Veronica getting involved in adults-only cases, that it felt too "Rockford Files" for him. (No disrespect intended for ol' Jim Rockford, TV's greatest private eye, but this is a very different kind of show.) The A-story about the paranoid fiancee-to-be was a slight improvement -- Veronica's airhead bimbo routine is always worth some laughs -- but still felt like it didn't belong here. Lots of ongoing subplot business in the background, though I think I need to rewatch the Veronica/Weevil scene at least three more times before I can figure out what the hell they were talking about. Good to see the return of Mac and the Mars Investigations office, but outside the Veronica/Logan argument (because when aren't those great?), a B- episode.

NBA Cancels Casual Fridays

The league announced in a memo to teams on Monday that a minimum dress code will go into effect at the start of the regular season on Nov. 1. Players will be expected to wear business casual attire whenever they participate in team or league activities, including arriving at games, leaving games, conducting interviews and making promotional or other appearances.

Players will no longer be able to wear:
� Sleeveless shirts
� Shorts
� T-shirts
� Sunglasses while indoors.
� Headphones (other than on the team bus or plane, or in the team locker room).
� Chains, pendants, or medallions worn over the player's clothes.

The move not only angered many of the players. It also irritated one of the biggest fans of the NBA, Mr. T.

"I pity the fool that would make such a foolish judgment," Mr. T said. "There is nothing wrong with have a little bling around your neck. It makes you look classy. And sleeves on T-shirts? Who wears clothes like that? Mr. T has made a living on violating every item in this dress code. There is nothing wrong with throwing on a sleeveless T-shirt, along with a pair of shorts, and some chains that weigh more than Steve Nash. I pity the fool who says that it is.

"This is a bad move by the NBA and especially David Stern. I have only one prediction for him � Pain!"

Added rapper and NBA supporter Kanye West, "David Stern does not care about black people or their cool throwback jerseys."

Stern did however say that players could wear Hawaiian shirts and jeans on Fridays.
You can discuss this further at our revamped message boards by clicking here.

It's my birthday too, yeah

Today is my birthday, which may have contributed to yesterday's long dark tea-time of the soul. As John Astin liked to say on "Night Court," I'm feeling much better now.

There's so damn much on every Tuesday night that it's difficult to get through it all for a timely Wednesday morning blog entry (especially in a week where I'm still catching up on Sunday and Monday shows). Would it kill the networks to put some decent stuff on, say, Friday? Please?

Anyway, on to what I've already seen (comments on "Commander-in-Chief," "Amazing Race" and others to follow):

"How I Met Your Mother": I was on the verge of writing a column about how this show has fallen prey to Herskozwickitis, a disease (named after the "thirtysomething"/"Once & Again" guys) where a TV show's supporting characters are infinitely more entertaining than the leads. I enjoyed everything about last week's episode except the Ted stuff, and had concluded that maybe a "Valerie's Family" situation was in order -- maybe change the title to "How We Dumped Your Father"?

This week's, thankfully, was strong in all parts, easily the funniest they've done since the pilot. Jason Segel got to dance (took 'em long enough), the subtitles in the club was a joke I hadn't seen before, and I could relate to both Ted's hatred of clubs and Marshall's fear of becoming a boring married guy. Good stuff, and if they can do episodes like this every week, I won't care if we don't meet the mom until season three.

"Gilmore Girls": Wow, was that a waste of time. When the writing is clicking, it doesn't matter if nothing happens in an episode (which is most of the time), but this was an episode with no plot and no memorable banter. When even Richard and Emily aren't funny, there be problems.

"My Name Is Earl": This is the first episode so far that didn't make me wish it was funnier. (It helped that Victor Fresco, creator of the brilliant "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," wrote the script.) The ESL classroom scenes were great (the first time I've liked that particular joke since they did it in "Stripes"), the flashbacks to Bad Earl were good, and Giovanni Ribisi (who'll always be the kid from "My Two Dads" to me) provided some additional Bad Earl-type mischief.

"The Office": First real dud of the season. Greg Daniels (the executive producer, who wrote this one) has been making a concerted effort to make Michael less of a bad guy this year -- not mean, just socially clueless -- and this went so far in that direction that I spent most of the half-hour feeling sorry for him. The Dwight/Jim scenes almost saved it -- almost.

"The Daily Show": One of two shows I watch every weekday ("PTI" is the other), and I won't be commenting on it all the time, but last night's Bill O'Reilly interview was just so damn bizarre it warrants mentioning. The interviews have always been the weakest part of the show, since Jon clearly feels uncomfortable savaging people to their face. This is the closest I've seen him come to outright dissing a guest, and he only started doing that after O'Reilly baited the audience and got repeatedly booed for it. But the mockery was still pretty gentle, and not helped by O'Reilly's belief that he should be funny, too. (At least, I hope O'Reilly thought he was being funny, because the alternative is too scary to contemplate.)

Ask a Raiders Fan

This is a new feature where we can really get into the mind of a Raiders fan. We would like to keep making fun of the Raiders fans ourselves, but these guys really do all of the heavy lifting for us. These quotes are actually remarks from Raiders fans that we have found on various message boards. (All poor grammar and misspellings have not been corrected. Not that it makes it different from anything else that is printed here.)

Is there a conspiracy against the Raiders?

I can't be the only one who sees this, but as long as Al Davis owns the raiders we will not win. It's nothing against Mr. Davis it's just that Paul Tagliabu and the NFL hate him, because Al is always suing them. Here are the reasons to back up my claim.

1.) Scheduling this year- we were 5-11 last year and yet we open on the road this year the first 3 games with the 2 teams that were in the Superbowl. That is the first time in NFL history a schedule has been configured like that we were a last place team we aren't playing last placed schedule.

2.) We lead the league in penalties every year, regardless of who the coach we have different players every year but we lead the league every year. Give me a break it's impossible that just by putting a raiders jersey on in makes you commit more penalties the refs who are employed by the nfl are instructed to watch us more closely. You could call holding on every play if you really wanted, they call it on us when ist's 3 and 10 and we hit a pass play for 15 yards but it's called back for holding. Give me a F#$#%$ break. I hate even watching the games now because I know we are going to get cheated. We have to play our opponent and the refs every week.

A couple of things here. The Chargers are in the mist of playing three consecutive teams coming off its bye week. The Patriots first four road games this season were at Carolina, Pittsburgh, Atlanta, and Denver with a home date with San Diego mixed in. Of course, both teams made the playoffs last year. Fair enough. Miami opened with two playoff teams Denver, New York Jets, and the team picked by many to win the NFC�Carolina. Yet they went 2-1, while the Raiders fans cry about conspiracy theories.

The final question should be who conspired to have the Raiders hire Norv Turner? Who conspired to have the Raiders select Robert Gallery over Ben Roethlisberger? Who conspired to have the Raiders entrust their running game to a journeyman backup? Sorry Raiders fan, you team is just terrible.

You can discuss this further at our revamped message boards by clicking here.

Norv Turner Weekly Journal

Norv Turner has agreed to write his personal journal on andreikirilenkotattoo.com. Turner's keen insight and football acumen will be a welcome addition to the typical nonsense that is written in this space.

What I Did During My Bye Week
By Norv Turner, as told to Lil'Hater.

They bye week came at a perfect time for us because it preceded our game with the San Diego Chargers. I treat rivalry games with the utmost respect, as evidenced by my record against the Dallas Cowboys when I was the head coach in Washington. I can count at least two times in 15 where we actually beat the Cowboys. That is right. We scored more points than those son of a guns combined in two games. So I figured that it would be good to take a look at some of the un-edited thoughts I wrote down in preparation for the Chargers game to show you what it is like to play an NFL rival. Hope you enjoy.

• Be sure to remind journalists that I am a nice guy and therefore should not be held responsible for my team's failures. It worked for seven seasons in D.C. Only President Bush will have a longer running string of failures in Washington. Well, if he survives that long.
• Check the NFL Record and Fact Book for "mostpenaltiess committed in one season." Prepare congratulatory remarks for when the record is broken--in week 11.
• Two weeks is just not enough time to game-plan for the Chargers, especially with all of the great baseball on television. And I'll be damned if I'm staying up late to watch them play on Monday night. Let's just wing it, I say.
• The Chargers must be tired after that physical match-up with the Steelers, while we'll be all rested. Let's keep it close in the first half, and then we can wear them down late in the game. Oh Norv, you are a genius!
• Assume LT won't see much of the ball--I mean, what coach in their right mind would keep giving the ball to the team's best player?
• Ask assistant for the name of that receiver-guy on our team. You know, the one with the afro. Boss? Hoss? That kid could be good some day, but he'll have to be a decoy this week.
• Finish reading self-help book Don't Sweat the Details, apply lessons to special-teams, and the two-minute drill.
• God bless Mike Tice and the Minnesota Vikings. What a blessing to have Tice as a distraction.
• But a boat trip does sound fun. Ask SeaBass to organize chartered cruise. That should be a good team-bonding exercise.
• How can I subtly suggest to Kerry Collins that he start drinking again?
• Set TiVo to save Romanowski on 60 Minutes. Note to self: check to see if Michael Westbrook wants to play for us--now that guy could throw a sucker-punch to a teammate.
• Check Al Davis' pulse. Still ticking? Damn, he's tougher than Jack Kent Cooke.

As you can tell by the game, the Chargers really fooled us by going to LT. Sure didn't see that coming. But the important thing to remember is that we beat the Chargers in the second half, 7-3. So from my math, we split the game 1-1. We should have gone into overtime to settle it, but that is the breaks.

So it was another solid week for the Raiders and our return to glory. Hope you enjoyed reading this and look forward to a long tenure at andreikirilenkotattoo.com.

Or message board has been remodeled! Check it out: http://andreikirilenkotattoo.iphorum.com/.

Revived by 'Viva'

Every writer, whether they're writing novels, news, scripts, reviews or technical manuals, faces battles with that damn blank screen (or page, depending on your style). There are periods in my job when there just isn't enough space, even with a daily column, to write all the things I want to. Then there are days, like today, where that blinking cursor just taunts me.

I got back from three rainy days in Montreal and was struggling with material for either the column or this blog. (While I was gone, by the way, I missed the chance to link to a couple of All TV columns, including a mailbag dealing with the bizarro re-editing of "Boston Legal" episodes and today's column (written by Matt) about the "Nightline" anchor change .) And as I sat at my desk, I had nothing. This is one of those slow periods, in between the burst of fall premieres and the arrival of November sweeps. Few new shows to review, too early to revisit stuff I wrote about a few weeks ago, only so many times I can write about how bad the ratings for "Apprentice: Martha" have been. And while I was in the Great White North, the only shows I saw were a French-dubbed episode of "That '70s Show" and Sunday night's "Grey's Anatomy" (a good one, and my suspicions about Ellis Grey and the chief were proven right).

So nothing to write about for the column (a non-issue, since my editors opted to use the space for other stories on a busy day), and not even much to blog about. I was on the verge of writing a long, boring essay on how much I've been enjoying FX's "Spin City" reruns (it was just a pretty good sitcom at the time, but compared to most of what passes for funny now, it's a frigging masterpiece) when I decided to head home, ride the recumbent bike and hope like Hell I found something interesting enough to watch and write about.

Enter "Viva Blackpool." It's a mystery, a love story, and a musical. And it's fucking brilliant. And it's the kind of show that smashes through writer's block in about five seconds.

The short version, since I'll be reviewing it before next Monday's premiere on BBC America: Ripley Holden is a wannabe Trump (with Elvis sideburns and David Carradine's wardrobe) who builds a casino in a dumpy seaside resort town. His wife Natalie (Sarah Parish, who may be my favorite British TV actress since Diana Rigg) is so neglected and unhappy that she works at a suicide hotline to cheer herself up. Then a dead body turns up on the casino floor and a Scottish cop (played by David Tennant, aka the new Doctor Who) rolls into town to investigate Ripley and romance Natalie. I've seen a lot of Dennis Potter homages since "The Singing Detective" ("Six Feet Under" and most of David E. Kelley's work wouldn't exist without Potter), and this may be the best.

Whenever I have one of those stupid existential crises about the value of TV criticism, along comes something like "Viva Blackpool" to remind me why I do what I do, blank screen or no.

Houston We Feel Your Pain

The Astros, leading the seven-game series with the Cardinals 3-1, were one strike away from their first-ever World Series apperance. A hit-walk-home run later, and the series is heading back to St. Louis.

Why does this sound so familiar?

It is as if the ghost of Donnie Moore, banished from Anaheim in 2002, has now taken residence in Houston. Or maybe it was the spirit of Gene Mauch who passed away earlier this year. The Astros are one of the few teams in Major League Baseball that have never been to a World Series. The wait has just become a little bit longer. Like the Astros must do in St. Louis, the Angels played the final two games of the 1986 ALCS in Boston. "Played" might not be the right verb. The Angels looked as comfortable in those two games as Katie Holmes did during her pregnancy announcement. The Angels claim that they could still win it were about as believable, too.

The same thing will happen to the Astros. This series is done. Over. Finished. The Astros can talk about Roy Oswalt and Roger Clemens, but forget about it. You are only fooling yourself. Take it from somebody who has been there, it is over. To try to convince yourself would be foolish. It is not going to happen.

But look at the bright side. You will win the World Series ... in 16 years.

Quarterback Controversy in San Diego

It was only a matter of time. You can only have two good NFL quarterbacks on the roster for so long before one demands to be the starter. The Chargers organization knew this was coming and it all came to a head on Monday morning.

LaDianian Tomlinson finally announced that he either wants to be the starting quarterback for the Chargers, or else he will be seeking a trade.

Okay, maybe not. But could you blame him if he did?

Tomlinson ran, caught, and passed for a touchdown in the Chargers pasting of the Raiders, only the fifth time in the Super Bowl era (1966) that a player has accomplished the run-pass-catch touchdown trifecta. Tomlinson helped the Chargers improve to 3-3 and ran their win streak against the Raiders to four games for the first time since 1962�when Al Davis was walking the sidelines for the Chargers. Tomlinson, like coach Marty Schottenheimer, both seem to take great delight in walking over the Raiders.

Does anybody still think that the Chargers made the wrong move by trading down for Tomlinson a couple of years ago? Tomlinson is the best running back in the NFL right now. You might also make a case that LT might even be a better quarterback than Michael Vick. Tomlinson's two touchdown passes have him tied with Chad Pennington, and ahead of Kurt Warner and J.P. Losman�who both opened the season as starting quarterbacks. LT is only two touchdown passes away from Trent Green, Kyle Orton, Joey Harrington, Daunte Culpepper, Aaron Brooks, and David Carr.

WHAT ARE RAIDERS FANS SAYING TODAY?

Beating the Raiders is not what it used to be. But it is still a lot of fun. The only downfall is that the Raiders fans are already acting like beaten dogs, while rolling over for opposing team fans. But we found somebody who is not ready to give up on the Raiders season on our new segment, Ask a Raiders Fan.

Today's question: Hey Raiders fan, what is going to turn around your season?

Andrew Walter. The guy reminds me so much of Peyton Manning and he can break a tackle like Culpepper.I think he is going to have a great career,watch out AFC West when he becomes our starting QB.

If you think we are making this stuff up, check here.

NOT A GOOD DAY FOR THE MESSIAH

Eli Messiah was the second-coming a few weeks ago as he posted huge numbers in an overwhelming loss in San Diego and defeating the under-achieving St. Louis football team. Nearly ever analysis said that the Messiah was a cannot-miss-Super Star.

And then the Messiah completes only 14 of 30 passes with one interception in a loss to the Cowboys. There will be those that will point to the Messiah's game-tying touchdown drive, but so what? Who hasn't? At least Mark Brunnell eventually won the game.

Leinart Gives Credit to His Coach

Moments after Matt Leinart twisted and turned his way to victory at Notre Dame, his coach stood smiling. Leinart led the Trojans, pushed to the brink for seemingly the first time since the Pat O'Hara era, to a victory in the tall grass at Notre Dame Stadium. (And not to say that the grass was extremely tall at Notre Dame. But some veterans watching the game were having flashbacks.) Leinart woke up the echoes with a graceful pirouette and his coach was beaming all night on Saturday and well into the night on Sunday morning. Well-wishers and fans stopped by to offer the coach congratulations, a hug, or a well-earned pat on the back.

And why not, she deserved it.

"I am so, like, totally excited that Matt was able to win that game against those guys at Notre Dame," Leinart�s 21-year old ballroom dancing coach Kaitlyn said. "Like oh my, gosh. We totally could have lost that game if Mattie had not remembered those moves that I taught him. When I saw him make that first twist, I told shouted to my roommates, Catelynne, Kaetlynn, and Brittanee, saying that it was the move that I had taught him, like, just this week. It was, like, totally unbelievable."

College coaches around the country are now starting to take notice and have ordered players to now take ballroom dancing. Texas coach Mack Brown, fueling his USC-inferiority complex, already has gone on the offensive. Brown said that not only was Vince Young a much better ballroom dancer than Leinart, but he had his quarterback already working on his "jazz hands." UCLA coach Karl Dorrell, however, was a little confused and ordered his team to sign up for "polka dancing," proving once again that the Bruins are always one step behind.

BRUINS WIN

Give credit to the "gutty little Bruins" for their epic victory over a great Washington State team. How does it feel to be a UCLA fan today? Nobody cares about their 21-point comeback over a very average football team. While places like the National Sports Bar in Orange were watching USC and Notre Dame, there were three fans watching the Bruins game on a watchman taped up to the wall next to the rest room.

FINAL NOTE

Who was working the clock at Notre Dame Stadium, Doug Eddings?

What's Up for Week 6?

The biggest question for the week might be how the contestants on Survivor keep their teeth so white? Fourteen days in the jungle and Blake looks like he just stepped off the dentist chair.

It should be noted that among his favorite actresses are two of the most renowned beards in Hollywood; Katie Holmes and Bridget Moynihan. Take that for what you will.

But our boy "Danny Hogenbloom" is still doing well.

How come the Chargers do not go to those cool powder blue uniforms full-time?

The Chargers are 2-5 in weeks when they wear the throwbacks. Besides, we are against anything that would make Chris Berman happy.

Can the Colts make it to 6-0?

Surprisingly, yes. You would figure that we would say that the St. Louis football team is without Mike Martz, which makes them much better. Normally that would be true. But the one coach that Martz seemed to always do good against was Tony Dungy.

Who is more out of control, the Ravens or the Vikings?

Nothing says team bonding more than getting thrown in jail with a bunch of your teammates. Don�t you remember the scene from The Replacements when the fictional Washington franchise was jailed? Maybe Nate Burelson can make like Orlando Jones and lead the team in a rousing course of "I will survive." Daunte Culpepper could mix in with his "disco" touchdown dance.

It is too bad that Mike Tice will not survive the season.

But give credit to the Vikings for leaving their meltdown off the field. The Ravens problems stem from a lack of offense. It is hard to imagine that this team could still be a playoff contender if they had held on to Trent Dilfer, who incidentally will lead the Browns into Baltimore this week.

How badly are things going to end for Doug Eddings?

Things cannot end well for the home-plate umpire from Wednesday night. People like to say that Southern California sports fans are soft, but consider a couple of things here. Bill Buckner is still living. Buckner appears at autograph signings with Mookie Wilson. Donnie Moore committed suicide. Scoreboard Angels fans. To make things worse for Edding tonight, we have sold a couple of tickets to these two guys (along with a picture of the umpire):



It was reported that the Orange County Sheriffs department had officers meet Eddings at the airport to give him an export. Why? Maybe an umpire needs to get physically beaten to prove a point. Why are our tax dollars going to pay to protect this guy? If he is that fearful, have him hire his own security team. Taxpayers should not be required to protect somebody that is extremely incompetent at their job.

Then again, taxpayers pay for secret service protection of President Bush, so there you go.

What's 'What's Alan Watching?' take two

I'll be away from the computer until Monday night or Tuesday, but wanted to get some old business (if a blog I started a week ago can have anything that qualifies as "old") out of the way.

The name. Most of the other TV critics who've seen it got the reference right away, as they should, since the original 'What's Alan Watching?' was a busted pilot that aired on CBS in 1989, back in the days when networks still aired failed pilots to get their money's worth. This one was produced by Eddie Murphy (before he chose a lucrative but soul-deadening career as a children's entertainer) and starred Corin Nemec (before he out-Ferris-Buellered the kid from "18 Again" on "Parker Lewis Can't Lose") as a boy named Alan whose every waking minute was spent either watching TV or daydreaming about TV. (The most memorable bit: Eddie in a cameo yelling "Free James Brown!")

As a boy named Alan myself whose every waking minute was spent either watching TV or daydreaming about TV, this show spoke to me; even though it only aired once (allegedly because it was too expensive to go to series), I always intended to use the title somewhere. This, apparently, is that somewhere.

("What's Alan Watching?" trivia: It won an award from the Television Critics Association for Outstanding Achievement in Movies, Miniseries and Specials. Eddie did not show up to accept.)

Betting Scandal Rocks Notre Dame

Not since the days of Paul Hornung disgracing the NFL has a gambling scandal hit close to Notre Dame. It has been confirmed that a high-ranking Notre Dame official has been caught, not only betting on Saturday's game against the University of Southern California, but betting on the Trojans.

Students, fans, players, and administrators were upset to learn today that Touchdown Jesus was betting on USC. Not only betting on the Trojans, but laying the points, too. Calls to the deity were not returned on Friday morning, but a source close to the situation confirmed that Touchdown Jesus had laid a big number for USC.

"It is true," an anonymous source said. "If it should be clear to anybody, it should be clear to him that USC has too much talent to overcome Notre Dame"

But what about all of the Catholics that will feel let down?

"To be truthful, he is actually a Presbyterian."

THE FALLOUT

The scandal already has started to hurt Notre Dame financially. Coach Charlie Weis said that he has heard from many parents of recruits that are concerned. But more importantly, Weis was dropped as the Round Table Pizza spokesman.