'Prison Break' finale review - andreikirilenkotattoo on TV

In today's column, I review the series finale of "Prison Break," and again lament the fact that this couldn't have been a one or two-season series that ended while we all still had good feelings about it.

I'm not gonna do a separate post for the finale itself, so I'll try to bump this up on Friday night so people can discuss it if they want.

Prison breaks

Brief spoilers for the second episodes of "Prison Break" and "K-Ville" coming up just as soon as I find a crowbar...

To quote George Costanza, that's it for me! Fox sent out two episodes of each on DVD, and with the rest of the networks now back in action, I can't see myself making time for either show going forward.

In fairness, "Prison Break" had a few moments here and there that reminded me why I used to like (but never love) the show in the first season, notably Michael figuring out a way to get the water running again as a means of saving himself and Whistler. And I can't hate too hard on any show that gives Robert Wisdom regular employment. But I think with a show this ridiculous, you have to have far greater affection for the characters than I've ever had. Maybe I'll check back in on a night when "Chuck" and "HIMYM" are in repeats or something, but I didn't really miss the show after I stopped watching a third of the way into season two, and I doubt I'll miss it this time, either.

I don't even see the need to check in on "K-Ville," though it's also hard to hate too much on a show that's providing so much cash to the New Orleans area. I said last week that I thought the twist about Cobb being an escaped prisoner was ridiculous, and the treatment here didn't do anything to lessen that. I mean, I'm glad that they didn't go for some kind of false tension where it turned out that somebody in the prison recognized him (other than the crazy guy who called him a ghost), only to get killed before they could spill the beans. But it just doesn't add nearly as much as it takes away, and we're now two for two on eeeevil conspiracies to exploit the Katrina aftermath. I like Anthony Anderson, but I can't see him getting enough to do to make me want to come back anytime soon.

What did everybody else think?

When the cliches go marching in

Today's non-Emmy column starts off with a review of Fox's disappointing new drama "K-Ville":

The road to mediocre TV is paved with good intentions.

Take the new Fox cop drama "K-Ville" (9 p.m., Ch. 5). It takes place in -- and, more importantly, is filmed in -- New Orleans, a city that desperately needs the money and attention the production will provide. It stars Anthony Anderson, an actor mainly known for broad comedies ("Barbershop," "Big Momma's house") who's been in need of a dramatic leading role ever since his mesmerizing turn as drug lord Antwon Mitchell on "The Shield."

Those are two reasons to want "K-Ville" to succeed, and the show opens up by showing off both its setting and its star. It's Sept. 1, 2005, the levees have burst, and Officer Marlin Boulet (Anderson) and his partner Charlie are trying to get surviving citizens to high, safe ground. While Boulet is tending to an injured woman Charlie cracks under the strain, hops into their police cruiser and speeds away as Boulet screams after him, just another New Orleans resident abandoned in his time of greatest need.

But then we're in the present, and both Katrina and Boulet's emotional scars from it become little more than window dressing for a very average, cliche-ridden cop show.

There are also some brief thoughts on the increasingly silly doings at "Prison Break." To read the full thing, click here. Feel free to use this post to comment on both premieres tonight, as I don't think I have anything more to say about either one.

This, that and the other thing

Don't have a lot to say about "24" that David Kronke didn't already point out so sharply (I hadn't even thought about the gas station/martial law plot hole). The reveal that Henderson capped Palmer without Logan's knowledge makes the Evil President twist work marginally better, but until they give Gregory Itzin a monologue to explain all of his behavior for the last seasond and a half through the lens of him being an evil genius masquerading as an ineffectual putz, I'm dubious. Anyone want to put the over/under on how long it takes for Logan to kill William Devane and/or for the incriminating tape recording being lost? Again, going with Kronke:

Once Jack finds the crucial-piece-of-evidence recording, why doesn�t he call anyone and everyone � particularly Chloe, who single-handedly has enough techno-gizmos and know-how to right the world � and play it for them so he�s not the only person with said crucial evidence?

And not that I didn't believe Jack was going to win the day, the announcement of Kiefer's new three-year deal does take every last bit of tension out of the show. Before, there was at least a faint chance that Jack could die and be replaced by another good guy; not $40 million later.

"Prison Break," meanwhile, was back to doing what it does best: give Michael Scofield a seemingly insurmountable problem to which he finds an unexpected but brilliant solution. I had completely forgotten that Haywire had made such detailed sketches of the tats, but as soon as we saw those flash-cuts, I had a big, big smile on my face.

In other linkage, Matt has his own weekly "Sopranos" breakdown, and Queen Night on "American Idol" is, indeed, looking like the train wreck we all hoped for, judging by this song list. Pickler on "Bohemian Rhapsody"? I love it!

Flash(back)! Ahhh-ahhhh!! Boring every one of us!

(This morning's topics, in order: "Prison Break," "Grey's Anatomy" and "The Simpsons.")

So now we see what "Lost" has wrought; when a show with a complicated ongoing storyline needs to stall, it busts out a flashback episode. Last night's "Prison Break" actually one-upped "Lost" by devoting the entire hour to flashbacks, which meant the writers didn't even have to pretend they were advancing the plot.

Just like some of the "Lost" flashbacks were really valuable in season one at filling in blanks about these characters, a couple of the "Prison Break" threads last night were useful: we knew C-Note's family thought he was in Iraq, but didn't have details beyond that, and images of Dr. Tancredi as a heroin junkie might actually make me want to rewatch some of her older scenes to see if I can spot any clues to that. (Probably not; I'm guessing not all of this is planned out elaborately.) And T-Bag helping his girlfriend's kids with their homework was a whole coffee pot full of creepy.

And just like most of the "Lost" flashbacks this season keep repeating information we already know, the rest of this episode was largely a waste of time, showing us things we'd been told about months ago, and not being interesting enough as a character study to compensate for the wheel-spinning.

I was worried about watching "Grey's Anatomy" after spotting this comment in the "Sopranos" thread:

For the first time in a while (maybe not the first but...) Grey's Anatomy is starting to really bug. It's so cutesy, so wacky, and then so manipulatively melodramatic -- can you say Ally McBeal? The characters are starting to become like smug little children. Much more of Meredith Grey breaking plaster because her dad abandoned her, and I will abandon her too. Is this show just a little too in love with itself now???

Now, that's been my big issue with "Grey's" this season. (Woulda been last season, too, but nine episodes isn't enough to get frustrated by a show's tics.) The cutesy score (I don't know why they don't just use songs all the time, since they almost universally rock), the inappropriate boyfriend discussions during surgery, the sledgehammer narration by Meredith -- the show always seems like it's one bad pun from turning into "Sex and the City: The Pathetic Later Years." Plus, when I listen to the podcasts where Shonda Rhimes and a rotating group of producers laugh off all criticism and spend a lot of time talking about how they just like to go to the set to stare at Patrick Dempsey and whatever hunks are around that day, I worry.

But just when the show is threatening to, like San Francisco on "South Park," disappear up its own asshole, it gives me moments like Laurie Metcalf's speech to her daughter (which felt earned instead of cheap sentimentalism because Laurie Metcalf is awesome), or that horrible three-way confrontation between George, Meredith and Meredith's dad, where George discovered that his sexual nightmare with Mere was actually worse than he had thought, since she slept with him right after seeing her dad (who does, in fact, look like an older George, just as we'd been told in the past).

That's some nail on the head writing right there, and it makes me willing to forgive weird excesses like Sara Ramirez having a secret apartment inside the hospital, which was way too much like The Biscuit's hidden room on "Ally McBeal." In fact, "Grey's" at both its good and bad moments reminds me of David E. Kelley, but so far, the good Kelley is winning out over the irritatingly wacky Kelley. So far. I expect things are going to end badly between me and this show, but for now, I'm with it.

The perils of the TiVo 30-second skip cheat: sometime's, you miss a commercial you wanted to see. I had figured the big "Simpsons" announcement was going to be about the movie, but I got to the end of the episode without seeing it. Then I came to work the next day, watched the trailer on YouTube and discovered later that the trailer had aired around the 20-minute mark of the show, but I was hitting the skip button so fast that I missed it. Anyway, the trailer and the constant teases brought back fond memories of the Russell Crowe Fightin' 'Round the World episode of "South Park," where the kids sitting through Russell and Tugger's global ass-kicking so they could see the Terence & Phillip trailer, which featured about two seconds of actual footage. ("They were wearing cowboy hats!") Not sure how to feel about the prospect of a movie: on the one hand, Matt, James L. Brooks and the rest are insisting that they were never going to do it until they had a script that merited it, but the show has been in a massive slump for about three years now. Couldn't they have done this before, you know, they ran out of ideas?

The episode itself was decent. Loved the mushroom cloud logo for the Springfield Meltdowns and Grampa's dying wish to see footage of cops beating hippies scored to the music of Glen Miller, but Lisa's appeal to Grampa's better instincts came out of nowhere, not just for this episode, but the series itself -- Lisa's always been just as annoyed by Abe as the rest of the family.

Oh, and I've been lax with non-"Sopranos" linkage lately, so here's the last two All TV columns: from Monday, a review of "City of Men" (a Brazillian TV spin-off of "City of God"; if you liked the movie, you'll like this), and from Tuesday, Matt being nicer to "Pepper Dennis" than I would have been, plus me inviting all kinds of angry e-mails from both sides of the political spectrum by calling HBO's "All Aboard!: Rosie's Family Cruise" a 90-minute infomercial. (UPDATE: After I left the office yesterday, the column got reshuffled to allow for a Katie Couric to CBS item, which means the Rosie thing is getting bumped a day or two.)

Off to watch "24" and then write tomorrow's column. What will it be about? Who knows at this point in the live on the razor's edge, laugh in the face of death world of TV criticism?

Gas, ex

Not a bad "24," though the is-she-or-isn't-she mystery about Audrey wasn't that compelling, both because the show's done it so many times in the past and because Audrey's not nearly as interesting as some of the previous characters they pulled this with. But when in doubt, this show always pulls out a kewl action sequence, and the shootout at the natural gas plant was pretty sweet. (On the other hand, a friend pointed out to me: burning the gas neutralizes it as a threat, but pretty much all natural gas is burned at the stove, oven, furnace or water heater before it enters somebody's home. I'm not enough of a chem major to know just what level I have to suspend my disbelief at this week.) Also, how long before Aaron the Super Secret Service Agent gets his own spin-off? Or, at the very least, how long before he and Jack are side-by-side again, kicking ass and not bothering to take names?

I saw "Prison Break" a couple of weeks ago; my memory of it was that I liked Michael's journey to the Whack Shack and subsequent char-broiling, but the rest -- especially the 11th hour appearance of Tony Denison as Michael and Linc's dad -- bored me the way the show usually does when Michael's not coming up with some ingenious solution for getting out. Next week: more narrative throat-clearing, disguised as flashbacks to explain how everyone wound up at this prison. Doesn't "Lost" waste enough time each week on this stuff?

Waves of psychetude

So, the Shawn Ryan interview is in today's paper. In addition to reprinting the exchange I already put here, this was the most interesting thing he said:

"I spoke with the writers at the beginning of the year and I said, 'Let's not save anything,'" Ryan explains. "Most TV shows that are successful, you don't want to do anything that will risk the long-term viability of a show, and I gave my writers permission for the first time to ignore that. We're telling a story that the viewers can tell we're not going to rewind the clock back to midnight. This thing is moving forward; there are going to be complications, repercussions."

The 90-minute finale is so awesome that even Barney from "How I Met Your Mother" wouldn't need a custom-made motivational poster to get psyched for it. And speaking of which...

Really strong "HIMYM" last night that, not coincidentally, focused mainly on Barney and Marshall, while Ted and Robin were left to do the latest iteration of their Ross 'n Rachel dance in the background. Any episode that lets Jason Segel dance automatically gets the andreikirilenkotattoo Seal of Approval, with bonus points for pop-locking, but this was the first time we've seen the show's two least-similar characters play off each other much. Question: is it wrong that I both loved Barney's karaoke AC/DC, and that I desperately want to work "steak sauce" into a conversation today?

I'll get to "24" later today. I have, however, already seen the first three post-hiatus episodes of "Prison Break," and I've been underwhelmed. Like I said in this column that ran over the weekend, the show has now gone into full-on stall mode until the real escape happens, presumably at the end of the season. This show is a classic example of why the 22 episodes per season model isn't right for every series.

Other stuff I watched in the last couple of days:

Take Your Daughter to Work Day on "The Office" featured almost too many highlights to list here (Stanley giving Ryan a hellfire-and-brimstone verbal beatdown, Angela blowing off Toby's daughter, Toby's daughter calling Phyllis "Mother Goose," Dwight reading those horrific German fairy tales to the kids, Pam's desperate attempt to connect with the kids), but the highlight by far had to be the reaction of Edward R. Meow to young Michael's comment about having 100 kids so he'd always have friends. That's the saddest, funniest bit of puppetry I've seen outside of Jim Henson. In general, shows about adults have a hard time incorporating kids without getting either too sappy or too mean, but I thought this was dead-solid perfect. Now that "Arrested Development" is gone, "The Office" is the only comedy on TV I feel the need to watch over and over to catch things I missed.

"Grey's Anatomy" was a'ight-blah, but the thing that entertained me most were the scenes where Sara Ramirez was in the same frame with either Ellen Pompeo or Sandra Oh and looked to be about three times either of their size. (And that's not a knock on Ramirez, who's gorgeous and voluptuous as all hell, but on two actresses who are reaching Danni Boatwright/Calista Flockhart levels of scary thin.) If the writers can't conspire an excuse to have Ramirez sing, could they at least have some kind of fight scene where she and Addison mop the floor with Meredith and Cristina?

Gotta go pay the bills with a review of "The Evidence," which made me feel like a kid again -- in that I was just as bored watching it as I was watching mediocre '70s cop shows.

Get outta here!

Working through the last two days in reverse chronological order:

"Prison Break": Well, the good news is that they didn't bust out yet, since I still can't imagine enjoying the post-escape show based on the ham-fistedness of the conspiracy scenes (exemplified by the reformed Secret Service baddie failing to shove the evidence into Veronica's hands before Kellerman pulled up). The bad news is that, even for a show where you check your disbelief at the door or you don't get to come in, the foiling of Michael's plan was damn hard to swallow. The guy has contingency plans on top of contingency plans, and one random janitor screws everything up? I'll be back in March, but my bullshit meter may need recalibrating before then.

"How I Met Your Mother": I got to see this one last week, and was pleasantly surprised to enjoy an all-Ted episode this much. Of course, the reason I liked it was because Drunk Ted is much, much funnier and more likable than regular Ted, a fact that his friends -- and, I hope by proxy, the writers -- all pointed out. But just because we're stuck with Present-day Ted doesn't mean we have to be stuck with Future Ted, too, since the voiceovers are shutting off a lot of good potential storylines. Danica "Winnie Cooper" McKellar was good as Drunk Ted's one-night stand, and I'd like to see her again, but Future Ted has already declared that she never turns up again, so that's what we're stuck with. Ted and Robin are both much more interesting when they're together than when they're apart, but Future Ted has already put the kibosh on them ever getting together (at least, not for very long). Go away, Future Ted, and stop ruining the fun for the rest of us!

"King of Queens": By default, one of the better remaining sitcoms on TV, though the return of Ray Barone was just okay. On "Everybody Loves Raymond," Ray's best moments were always reacting to other characters, and he and Doug are too alike to play to that strength. The fashion show, while predictable, was probably the highlight.

"Curb Your Enthusiasm": This is starting to feel like "SNL" to me: I tune in every week, knowing it's probably going to suck, but hopeful that for one night they'll recapture the glory days (which aren't nearly as far back as the "SNL" days). This was just awful again, full of people doing and saying things that they never would, even in Larry David World, notably Larry critiquing that woman's breast implants.

"Grey's Anatomy": In which Dr. McDreamy is revealed to be Dr. McPricky (during his taunting of Meredith), kind of appropriate given the priapism storyline. Sooner or later, every hospital show has to do an erectile superfunction gag subplot (Chicago Hope did it, and I'm pretty sure St. Elsewhere did it back in the '80s), and this one was well done. Not enough of the Nazi for my tastes, but another solid triple.

I'm running way late on this, so that's all for now. More tomorrow, which should come sooner given the number of shows that I watch being pre-empted for sweeps programming (Gilmore, Earl, Office, etc.).

My worst day ever so far, by Julio(*)

(Warning: the following has little to do with television, or movies or anything else, but given the date, it's something I needed to write. Snappy comments on lots of shows come towards the end.)

A year ago today, I was driving home from a late-night run to my local comic book store, where I was taking advantage of a Black Friday Midnight Madness sale to pick up a copy of JLA/Avengers on the cheap. If I'd known then what I know now, I would've just stayed home and paid the retail price for the damn thing. Instead, I was driving home in my hand-me-down Honda, pleased as punch at my purchase, when I drove through a green light and, out of the corner of my left eye, saw a car roaring at me so fast that I thought, "Oh, God, that police car's about to hit me," right before the left side of the car caved in on me, I spun out of control for 270 degrees or so and wound up perpendicular to my original position, unable to move or breathe and in excruciating pain.

My lungs refilled after a minute or so, and I reached for my cell phone, never gladder to own one than I was at that moment -- or to have the ability to move my arms at all. I picked it up and dialed home, and when Marian picked up, I was able to gasp out her name before the connection went dead -- and Marian quickly decided that I was dead, too. But she called back, and I was able to tell her where I was and what had happened, and she called 911. So had the woman whose lawn I came to a halt in front of, so two different ambulance crews showed up, both annoyed that the other was there, both stuck on location until they could cut me out with the Jaws of Life. A paramedic with a French accent and a French-sounding name that I can't remember anymore (Gerard? Henri?) sat in the back seat, holding my head in place in the event I had any kind of spinal injury. I don't know if it was the shock, or my disbelief at why this had happened, but I asked one of the other medics to make sure he picked up JLA/Avengers and put it in the ambulance, because I was gonna be damned if I almost died for a comic book and then couldn't read it in the hospital.

They cut me out of the car, placed me on the backboard as gently as they could, given my height and bulk, and slid me into the ambulance, where they proceeded to cut off my clothes, including my favorite jacket and my Superman t-shirt. (And, yes, I'm enough of a dork to wear a Superman shirt on a trip to the comic book store; and, yes, I'm aware of the irony inherent in almost dying while wearing the thing.) I was hurt bad enough that they didn't even take me to the local hospital, but to the nearest trauma center, a place where I had history both good (Julia was born there) and bad (my dad died there). I think I was in too much shock to feel real pain during the ambo ride, but when they set me down in the ER, it all hit me. I would find out later that I had broken three ribs and had badly lacerated my spleen, and boy howdy did all that hurt. And I wasn't even the most mangled guy in the ER. There was someone a few curtains down making sounds like a wounded coyote; one of the nurses told me that a car had completely crushed one of his limbs.

To add injury to insult and injury, when Marian arrived at the hospital with Julia in tow, she noticed that the fever Julia had displayed earlier in the evening was back. With nothing else to do until she was allowed to see me, she walked Julia down the hall to the pedes ER, where she found out that Julia had pneumonia. Not a good health night for the andreikirilenkotattoo clan.

To make a long story only slightly less long, they kept me in the hospital for a week to make sure my spleen wouldn't rupture and flood my body with poisons. I started out in the ICU, where I was the nurses' favorite patient because, as the only guy not in a coma and/or with a tube down his throat, I could actually have conversations with them. Then I got moved to a step-down ward, where I suddenly became very popular among the family members of the other residents, all of whom had eyes on my room, the only private one on the floor. ("So, you going home tomorrow? Can you put in a good word for me?")

This was, obviously, not a good time. But as I look back on it a year later (And has it really been a year? Because it feels like yesterday.), I feel really damn glad to be alive, to have most of my health back, to have my wife and daughter and my friends and loved ones and blog-readers. Today (today), I consider myself (self) the luckiest man (man) on the face of the earth (earth).

The sentimental portion out of the way, let's get to all the stuff I've watched since last we met -- and it's been a lot, so buckle up.

"Prison Break": Oh my god, they killed Abruzzi! Those bastards! I suppose if I had to choose between Abruzzi and T-Bag, I'd rather keep T-Bag, who causes more trouble and is funnier than our mob boss. (Abruzzi's funniest moment was cutting off Michael's toe, which was an accidental homage to Peter Stormare's role in "The Big Lebowski.") The sequence with Michael flooding the chamber so he could swim to the top of it was genius; that's the stuff that got me hooked on this show in the first place, and the stuff I expect we're going to lose once Michael and pals are outside the prison walls.

"Gilmore Girls": I used to think that Amy Sherman-Palladino wrote the wordiest scripts on television, but now I've realized that it's her husband Daniel. I almost don't need to look at the writing credits for a given episode to tell if it's a Daniel show or not; the staggering words per minute ratio is always the clue. Glad to see Rory and Lorelai enjoying the reunion some more, though I would've liked to see them deal with the fact that Luke essentially lives with them now. (Did he move back into the diner apartment when Rory came home?) Zach's meltdown at the band showcase was funny, even though I've never seen "Dig" and didn't get the homage. (That's the secret of good homage... and let's just say 'homage' one more time to stick it in our brains for the rest of the day... feel better? I know I do.)

"House": Greg, you magnificent, self-loathing bastard. Your plan to win Stacy back of course drove her away -- just as I'm sure you knew it would when you stole those files. Meth-Head Cameron was an interesting diversion, but most of this week's highlights took place away from the main medical story.

"My Name Is Earl": Okay, they need to keep revisiting that one-legged ex-girlfriend, because those scenes are always gold -- especially when they brought in her no-legged, one-armed, ass-kicking new boyfriend. One of the better episodes overall, what with the multiple taser scenes, the recycled negative campaign ad and Crab Man displaying a social conscience.

"The Office": This, on the other hand, was pain. Pure pain. I had to start fast-forwarding through the Michael improv class scenes after a while, it was so squirm-inducing. Now, the thing is, a lot of the British episodes were just as uncomfortable (his motivational speech comes easily to mind), yet I found those more tolerable and funnier than when Michael's being pathetic. If I could figure out why one works for me and the other doesn't, well, then I'd have a decent column, I suppose. (Then again, I just wrote my whole "Jim and Pam should be the leads" column last week, so maybe I'm done proposing ways to improve the show for a while.)

"Lost": Remind me to just ignore all Damon Lindelof interviews from now on. He went on and on about how no one would believe what Ana-Lucia used to do for a living, when I think every single person who watches the show would have picked either cop or soldier after seeing her for a few weeks. Ana-Lucia, former ballerina? That would be a twist. Ana-Lucia, ex-debutante? That would shock me. Ana-Lucia, cop with a hair-trigger temper? Not so much. The flashbacks did explain why she acts the way she does, and it established that even the writers think she's too extreme, so that was good. The best parts of the episode, however, were the meetings and reunions -- Locke and Mr. Eko, Jin and Sun, Michael and the dog and, best of all, Bernard and Rose. (Excuse me, I have something in my eye again. Be right back.) Someone needs to come up with a few flashbacks for those two.

"Veronica Mars": Hot damn, that was good. Because Veronica is almost never scared of anything, on those rare occasions where she shows any fear at all (think back to her seeing Aaron Echolls in her rearview mirror), you know the shit has absolutely hit the fan. So that biker bar scene was intense (and helped along by one of my favorite songs off the "VM" soundtrack, "Dakota," by Stereophonics). Just as freaky as Weevil's henchmen playing Russian Roulette with Logan's privates; I've already seen next week's episode, and the fallout from that is good. And if we can't have Wallace around for a while for budgetary reasons, Mac makes a fine substitute sidekick.

"Survivor": Didn't see much of it. I was otherwise occupied Thanksgiving night, and then my poor impulse control got the better of me and I read a recap of the episode before I got to see it, just so I'd know who was voted off. Damn spoilers and their tempting chocolatey goodness! I did check out the Tribal Council, just because it sounded like Gary went down swinging, and he sure did, taking shots at Stephenie (loved seeing Bobby Jon and Jamie giggle in hysterics at the autograph joke) and Judd the bad liar. I'll miss you, mighty landscaper. One thing I wish had happened: Hogeboom gets his torch snuffed, then turns to the others and says, "By the way, I really was an NFL quarterback," followed by everyone saying, "We know, Gary, we know."

"Sleeper Cell": This one isn't on yet, but it's been taking up a lot of my viewing time lately, and it is very cool. A friend of mine described it as "'Wiseguy' meets '24'," and I think the description is pretty apt, though it doesn't have the constant plot logic problems of "24" and the bad guy doesn't act circles around the main character. I'm five or six hours into a 10 hour show, so I'll have more comments later this week, before I write the review. But if you have Showtime, check it out next week.

So, in short, it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive, and there was a lot of great TV in the last week. andreikirilenkotattoo out.

(*)In case you were wondering, by the way, this post's title comes from Rick Schroder's finest moment on "NYPD Blue," a sarcastic interrogation from his very first episode with a suspicious gunshot victim named Julio; when Julio whined that he was having a bad day, Rick suggested he submit his tale of woe to Reader's Digest, and call it "My worst day ever so far, by Julio." You couldn't write that. David Milch could, but you couldn't.

Sometimes, I amaze even myself

Another day, another attempt to mention "Arrested Development" in the column for at least an entire week. (Today's column talks about it in context of the ratings for "Prison Break.") So as I'm sitting around, scratching for an excuse to name-check it again, Matt says he just heard that HBO is pushing the premiere of "Deadwood" back to June so that the new Bill Paxton polygamy show "Big Love" can get the post-"Sopranos" timeslot. I call up one of my friends in the "Deadwood" production office, and after we discuss the scheduling move, he says, "You know what you should write in your column? Write that HBO should pick up Arrested Development." Bingo. These things write themselves from time to time.

On to the last couple of nights of TV...

Well praise the lord and pass the ammunition: Rory and Lorelai finally got back together on last night's "Gilmore Girls." Took 'em, what, nine episodes into the season? I'm so glad to be done with The Passion of the Rory that I'm willing to overlook all sorts of awkwardness, like:

• Rory actually being rewarded for stalking the newspaper editor, when said behavior would have at best gotten her tossed onto the sidewalk by security while the editor told her, "And you can forget about that recommendation." There's a difference between perserverance and simply refusing to accept reality as it is.
• Lorelai letting Emily off the hook for the many awful things she's done to both herself and Rory in the last season or so.
• Rory magically getting reinstated at Yale with only a few weeks to go in the fall semester.
• The reconciliation scene coming together so quickly that, even though we've been waiting months for it, it felt rushed.

But whatever. They're back together, and much like Lorelai, I'm just gonna let all that other water wash under the bridge. (Or is it over the bridge? My cliche dictionary's missing.)

The other big development, and the one that has the message boards filled with screams of shark-jumping, is Luke suddenly having a 12-year-old daughter of his own that he never knew about. On the one hand, I think it's a stupid idea and I'm going to be pissed if Amy uses this as an excuse to bust up Luke and Lorelai for a while just as we got her and Rory back together. On the other hand, I liked the actress playing Mini-Rory, and I thought Scott Patterson was great at both the comedy and emotion of this ridiculous twist, so I'll give it a little rope. A little.

An uneven "The Office." I know Carell's the star and the boss was the main character of the British version, but at this point I think there needs to be a refocusing, because the Jim/Dwight/Pam stuff is by far the highlight of every week, while Michael works best in small doses. Michael's attempt to turn his one-night stand with the boss into something more made me uncomfortable; Jim's mission to maintain Dwight's mistake about the days of the week just made me laugh. Given Carell's movie prospects after "Virgin," I don't know that he'd object to becoming a supporting player if it freed up his schedule for more film work.

On a very special sweeps episode of "House," Lance Armstrong -- or a reasonable facsimile (who used to be on "North Shore") -- comes to the hospital for... something to do with blood transfusions, I think. Marian's a hospital administrator, so when I watch medical shows with her, she's constantly pointing out inaccuracies (I'm sure I'd do the same if someone was ever dumb enough to create a show about a TV critic), and at one point she asked me if I minded the frequent interruptions.

"It's okay," I said. "I don't really pay attention to the medical stuff."

"But the medical stuff is the whole show!" she said.

So after hitting the TiVo's pause button, we got into a discussion of whether the cases in "House" matter at all, or if they're just the MacGuffin, the excuse to hang House's funny lines and fragile emotional state on. I went with the MacGuffin route; she said she likes the medical investigations (not to be confused with this) as much as the character material. What say you?

"Prison Break" edges ever closer to fulfilling its title. I'm disappointed that, one week after the writers felt the need to introduce a Super-Evil Secret Agent to put the two Regular-Evil Secret Agents in their place, they got rid of the guy, but I'm not surprised. With a show like this or "24," killing time is one of the hardest things to do. (Can you say cougar? Or amnesia?) So the writers vamp for a couple of weeks by introducing another bad guy, then throw him down a well when he's not needed anymore. A shame, really, as I felt he was much more legitimately threatening than Kellerman or his sidekick. As for the rest of the episode, T-Bag seems like the obvious one to get dumped from the escape team (again, Abruzzi should have several dozen ways to kill him without exposing their secret), which means I'm sure we'll go in a different direction. Early on, I suggested that the writers might try to really surprise people by taking a page from the "24" season one finale and having Michael escape while Lincoln dies in the attempt. Maybe they've got the onions to do it.

We're running long here, so I'll dispense with "Grey's Anatomy" pretty quickly. I'm surprised the writers didn't follow George's "carpe diem" day to its logical conclusion and have him profess his love to Meredith. Sooner or later, they need to pull a Sam Weir/Cindy Sanders and have the two of them hook up for a few episodes, only to have George realize he's really not that into her. Burke and Cristina's strained date was really funny, and it was weird to see the lead from "American Embassy" as a contemporary of McDreamy and Mrs. McDreamy. On "Embassy," she was playing the Ally McBeal part and was supposed to be in her late 20s at most, but according to IMDb, she's over 40. Huh.

I have nothing more to add, except: "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development"...

Don't be stupid, be a smartie!

I wrote about "Bones" and "House" in today's All TV column and after watching last night's "Prison Break," I've realized that Fox has become The Genius Network. Or, at least, The Drama Genius Network. Homer Simpson already burned up his high school diploma and Peter Griffin is actually dumber than that, but if you want to be the main character on a Fox drama, you've gotta be pretty damn S-M-R-T.

"Bones" can't go five minutes without some character talking about how wicked smart Temperance is, "House" is based on the notion that only a guy that brilliant could get away with being that big an asshole, and now we've learned that Michael Scofield has a psychological disorder that makes him wicked-wicked smart.

But for a show with such a clever hero, "Prison Break" relies on The Idiot Plot an awful lot of the time. Abruzzi gave power of attorney to Mikey Palmice? Abruzzi and/or Linc haven't figured out a way to kill T-Bag that would keep their secret safe? (Off the top of my head, I've got throat-slashing, neck-breaking and a good old-fashioned shove off the second-tier railing.)

Still, a lot of good stuff last night, including the obligatory scene where the guys have to dispose of their tunnel work in the yard (too bad David McCallum's busy on "NCIS," or else they could have done the "Great Escape" tribute up proper), the defense lawyers finally managing to outwit Special Agent Evil Bastard (which, in turn, got me interested in the outside-world scenes for the first time since... ever), and, my personal favorite, Sucre using the chief hack's Employee of the Month plaque to plug their hole.

Gotta go look into night school classes. If I really apply myself, maybe Fox will make a show called "The Critic." Oh, wait...

Since I been gone

Spent the weekend in Boston, which should be my last travel weekend for a while, but it still leaves me lagging behind on TV.

Before I get to what I have seen lately, some links:

• Monday's All TV column, with Matt giving what may be The Star-Ledger's first positive review of a Lifetime original production in three years (since "Any Day Now" got canceled).
• Today's All TV column, leading off with my review of the disappointing season finale of "Over There" (which was pretty disappointing all season, frankly).
• Ellen Gray in the Philly Daily News delivering a backlash against the predictable "Desperate Housewives" backlash.
• A column by Pittsburgh Post-Gazette TV critic Rob Owen about the rise of dramas with female leads.
• Melanie McFarland from the Seattle P-I giving some blunt advice to Martha Stewart and Tyra Banks.

As for what I've watched in the last day or so, let's go in reverse chronological order:

"Prison Break": Hey, did you know this show is on Fox? They were so subtle in plugging it during the baseball playoffs that I wasn't sure if everyone knew about it. (As Phil Rosenthal pointed out to me, the "Prison Break" ads weren't as unintentionally funny as the "Skin" campaign ("His father is THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY!!!!!!") or last year's "House" ads ("You're risking A PATIENT'S LIFE!!!") because none of the main characters on "Prison Break" yell much.)

Way back in August, I called this the best new drama of the season. It probably still is, but more by default, and I spend more time multi-tasking while watching it than I should during a thriller. I'm a sucker for stories about men of different backgrounds forced together to do a tough job ("The Magnificent Seven," "The Professionals" and, of course, "The Great Escape"), and the scenes inside the prison walls are fun, if completely ridiculous. I mean, the chief hack strangled a cat, for God's sake! But whenever we cut back to The Conspiracy, I zone out. Not even the relevation that Patricia Wettig is the Vice-President was much of a shock, given that this is the season of "Commander-in-Chief."

"How I Met Your Mother": Not as good as last week's club episode, but passable. The angel and the devil battling for Ted's soul was the highlight, along with Barney's constant costume changes (you can read more about them on his blog), and the trick photo of the parrot on the pirate's shoulder. Given that last scene, though, I think the creators are making a big mistake being so definitive that Robin isn't Ted's future wife. Ted is a lot more interesting and likable when he's with her than he's been with any other woman, but barring some real Houdini writing, they're destined to stay apart.

"The West Wing": I once asked my mom what she thought of some depressing Oscar-bait movie (I think it was "The Hours") and, after a long pause to figure out something nice to say about it, replied, "There was a lot of acting. Basically, it was all about acting." This week's "West Wing" was all about acting, but in a good way. I don't for a second believe that Toby would have let the leak investigation go as far as it did before he martyred himself, but the scenes between him and CJ, him and Babish and him and the president were terrific. Too bad the flash-forward from the season premiere eliminates any suspense over Toby possibly doing serious jail time.

"Grey's Anatomy": Apparently, the DGA has some sort of clause that requires every hospital drama to hire Mark Tinker to direct at least one episode. First he was one of the executive producers on "St. Elsewhere," then directed episodes of "ER," "Chicago Hope" and now "Grey's." This was another episode with stories we've seen a million times before on other doctor shows, but they felt specific to this one. "ER" played the trapped in an elevator bit for major suspense; here, it was more of black comedy. And next week's episode looks an awful lot like the "Subway" episode of "Homicide," but I expect just enough variety to keep it interesting. The highlight of the episode, by far: Sandra Oh's bored, embarrassed porn story. That, and all the references to the Hmong making me think of the "Wayne's World" sketch where Garth was freaked out by the word "mung."