Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Raiderettes Receive National Award

WEST HOLLYWOOD The Raiderettes, the official cheerleaders of NFL's Oakland Raiders, received the National Achievement Award from the National Association for the Advancement of Transvestite People on Tuesday. The Raiderettes were honored for having the first transvestite cheerleader in NFL history.

C.C. (right) is in its first season as a member of the Raiderettes and serves as an inspiration to its peers.

"This is a proud day for transvestites everywhere," said spokesperson Ginger. "It has taken so long for us to finally gain acceptance in such a manly sport such as football. We are glad the Raiders were the first organization to do so."

The Raiderettes said that they did not set out to make history when they added the first "Tranny" to its cheerleading squad. But, much like the Raiders makeshift secondary, had to make do with the available personnel. Besides, C.C. was able to use the men's bathroom which allowed the Raiderettes to avoid some embarrassing situations, unlike those Carolina Panthers cheerleaders.

"We had a lot more girls to choose from when we were in Southern California," said one Raiderettes official. "But have you seen some of the girls in Northern California, specifically Oakland? There was nothing we could really do about it. And if anything, it made the swimsuit calendar shoot really interesting."

NFL players around the league were surprised to find out that one of the cheerleaders they had been ogling on the sidelines was really a transvestite. Other players were not really that concerned.

"I don't know what the big deal is," Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said. "It seemed pretty cool to me."

The Hater Nation salutes the Raiders in this instance. To see more of the Raiders transvestite cheerleaders, check out the Hater Nation forums.

A quick one, while I'm not away

First thing's first: three day's worth of All TV column links. On Monday, I mused about the end of "7th Heaven," a show that, even though I hated it, holds some sentimental value for me as the last surviving new show from my first season as a TV critic. ("EZ Streets" gets 10 hours, and "7th Heaven" gets 10 years? A good system. Definitely.) On Tuesday, Matt interviewed Turner Classic's head of programming, while I wrote about the end of "Alias," the invasion of former "Ed" castmembers in primetime and the unfortunate return of "The Simple Life." And today there's a grab bag of news and reviews, including Matt on "Creature Comforts" (BBC America cartoon from the "Wallace & Grommit" people) and me on tonight's "Veronica Mars."

As I said yesterday, a lot of my Tuesday shows were pre-empted, and I'd already watched the "House" episode, which was good but not as strong as last year's "Three Patients," which it was emulating. (Two key differences: reality didn't get bent enough this time, and Chase is a less interesting character than House.) On the other hand, the twist of making Foreman the boss for a few weeks is vedddy interesting. Foreman's always been the most House-like of the three junior docs, so will being in charge make him even crankier or bring out his warm and fuzzy side? I almost think it would be funnier to put Cameron in charge, because her Let's All Hug approach to medicine would drive House nuts, but this should be pritt-ay, pritt-ay good.

Beyond that? Well, my TiVo grabs "NCIS" whenever "Gilmore Girls" is in rerun. As I've written a bunch of times in the last three years, "NCIS" isn't going to change the world or elevate consciousnesses, but it's well put-together, blending the '80s TV of Don Bellisario's middle age with enough modern touches to not feel too corny. It's the kind of show I can watch while doing three other things and not miss much. Only one complaint about last night's episode: hasn't the "Probie" been a probie for more than two years now? At what point does the hazing end?

With "House," the NBC comedies and "Supernatural" all out of play and "Amazing Race" off my radar until spring, I decided to check out the second Steven Bochco-produced episode of "Commander in Chief." I only got about 15 minutes in before I got caught up in other things, but it sure seemed to me like Bochco came in and decided to fix a whole lot of things that weren't broken: putting the kibosh on the First Gentleman stories and giving Rod a real job in the administration, bringing in Mark-Paul Gosselaar to critique everyone else's jobs, separating Natasha Henstridge from Evil Donald Sutherland, etc., etc., etc. I'm not saying there weren't things that didn't need improvement in the Rod Lurie version -- for starters, Evil Donald Sutherland -- but most of what Bochco's done is just a blatant attempt to make sure viewers know a new team is in charge of the show. As far as I know, the network's only problem with Lurie was his slow production pace, but viewers obviously liked what they were seeing, based on the ratings.

I finished "Sleeper Cell," which sagged in the middle but finishes strongly. Asking viewers to commit 10 hours of their time in a little over two weeks seems like a bit much these days, and the mini could stand to be trimmed by at least two hours. I also watched the first installment's of Sci-Fi's new miniseries "The Triangle." It's not the second coming of "Battlestar Galactica" (or would that be third coming?), but it's a decent B-movie skiffy story, complete with a B-list cast that includes Sam Neill, Bruce Davison and Eric Stoltz.

And speaking of Eric Stoltz, with sweeps slowing down, I've been poking through the "Back to the Future" collected DVD set. They don't show any of the footage of Stoltz as Marty McFly (he played the role for a few weeks until producers decided it wasn't working and started from scratch with Michael J. Fox), but there are a few photo stills of him in the part, and it's bizarre to see him sitting on the bed with Lea Thompson or shooting video with the Doc. Stoltz did okay without that part, but the person I feel really sorry for is Melora Hardin, who was cast as Marty's girlfriend Jennifer, then got fired along with Stoltz because she was too tall to play Mike Fox's love interest. It's hard to say how much the role would have done for her career (Claudia Wells, who replaced her, dropped out of acting for health reasons a few years later), but she got stuck with the TV version of "Dirty Dancing," one of the two Lambada movies of '90, and other jobs of no note before making the awkward transition to middle-aged roles (because we know how much Hollywood loves middle-aged women) like Rachel McAdam's mom in "The Hot Chick" and Steve Carell's boss on "The Office." Would her career have been any different if she'd been short enough to star in one of the biggest, best hits of the '80s? Or would she still have wound up romancing a schoolteacher-by-day, Lambada-instructory-by-night? Unless I can get my hands on a Delorean with a flux capacitor, I guess I'll never know.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Have We Been Too Hard on Raiders Fans?

Are Raiders fans really bad guys?

"It really is entirely a misperception," says Amy Trask, the Raiders chief executive. "The reality is the Coliseum is a very nice environment to watch a game. If you walk through the sections, as I do, you literally see everyone from babies to elderly grandparents."

Or how about this from the Raiders Take:

I'll never forget attending my first Raiders game after the team returned to Oakland. The Coliseum lot was nearly full and we were having a tough time finding a parking spot, until some dude jumped out and waved us down. He and his buddies promptly cleared their barbecue and chairs out of the way so we could park. That's the kind of neighborly Raiders fan story you read in the media every day, isn't it?

There are some good Raiders fans. Just like Morgan Freeman's character in Shawshank Redemption, there is good surrounded by evil. It is a shame for some fans like the Raiders take and other serious fans that they are grouped together with the hooligans and thugs often linked with the group. But the Raiders fans sure like to have it both ways, don�t they? Sure, some become indignant when the national media calls Raiders fans ruffians. Yet most Raiders fans enjoy the rough and tumble image and even go out of their way to perpetuate the stereotype. Just look at a recent �Ask a Raiders Fan feature� where we asked a fan what the Black Hole dresses up for on Halloween:

"You know what's funny? You would never say this to one of their faces. They'd stomp the shit out of you and you know that. So therefore, you�re going on the Internet talking all sorts of ignorant shit."

This is all the media's fault, right? Again, there are good Raiders fans, but the stereotype exists for a reason. San Francisco Chronicle columnist CW Nevius wrote an interesting piece recently about Raiders fans killing the team's bottom line by keeping people away from the stadium.

Nevis has had his own problem with Raiders fans: Several years ago I drove my wife's new car to a game. Some fans recognized me as a reporter and gave me what I thought was a good-natured ribbing. When I came back, the car had been trashed to the tune of over $2,000.

Is that just an isolated incident? Oakland Police Lt. David Kozicki said that police arrests at Raiders game were down from 70 to about half that�meaning that 35 people still get arrested at each Raiders game. Of course, that number might reflect a half-empty stadium. Raiders fans have avoid the Coliseum like it was hosting a screening of the movie Crossroads. And it is because this type of behavior still exists.

We were at the first Raiders game back in Oakland. A Chargers fan made the mistake of flying up to see the game. As the Raiders victory became inevitable, the Chargers fan walked out of his seat�after being pelted by debris�and was confronted in the walkway by a Raiders fan who resembled Kevin Nash. The bully backhanded the man's Chargers hat down about six rows and finally let him pass. I scooped up the hat and raced to find the Chargers fan, but he was long gone.

But the reputation is not.

It was Ice-T that best talked about attending a Raiders game in his song, Colors. "You ain't my set, you ain't my friend. Wear the wrong colors, your life can end."

Agree or disagree, talk about it in the Hater Nation forums.

Get outta here!

Working through the last two days in reverse chronological order:

"Prison Break": Well, the good news is that they didn't bust out yet, since I still can't imagine enjoying the post-escape show based on the ham-fistedness of the conspiracy scenes (exemplified by the reformed Secret Service baddie failing to shove the evidence into Veronica's hands before Kellerman pulled up). The bad news is that, even for a show where you check your disbelief at the door or you don't get to come in, the foiling of Michael's plan was damn hard to swallow. The guy has contingency plans on top of contingency plans, and one random janitor screws everything up? I'll be back in March, but my bullshit meter may need recalibrating before then.

"How I Met Your Mother": I got to see this one last week, and was pleasantly surprised to enjoy an all-Ted episode this much. Of course, the reason I liked it was because Drunk Ted is much, much funnier and more likable than regular Ted, a fact that his friends -- and, I hope by proxy, the writers -- all pointed out. But just because we're stuck with Present-day Ted doesn't mean we have to be stuck with Future Ted, too, since the voiceovers are shutting off a lot of good potential storylines. Danica "Winnie Cooper" McKellar was good as Drunk Ted's one-night stand, and I'd like to see her again, but Future Ted has already declared that she never turns up again, so that's what we're stuck with. Ted and Robin are both much more interesting when they're together than when they're apart, but Future Ted has already put the kibosh on them ever getting together (at least, not for very long). Go away, Future Ted, and stop ruining the fun for the rest of us!

"King of Queens": By default, one of the better remaining sitcoms on TV, though the return of Ray Barone was just okay. On "Everybody Loves Raymond," Ray's best moments were always reacting to other characters, and he and Doug are too alike to play to that strength. The fashion show, while predictable, was probably the highlight.

"Curb Your Enthusiasm": This is starting to feel like "SNL" to me: I tune in every week, knowing it's probably going to suck, but hopeful that for one night they'll recapture the glory days (which aren't nearly as far back as the "SNL" days). This was just awful again, full of people doing and saying things that they never would, even in Larry David World, notably Larry critiquing that woman's breast implants.

"Grey's Anatomy": In which Dr. McDreamy is revealed to be Dr. McPricky (during his taunting of Meredith), kind of appropriate given the priapism storyline. Sooner or later, every hospital show has to do an erectile superfunction gag subplot (Chicago Hope did it, and I'm pretty sure St. Elsewhere did it back in the '80s), and this one was well done. Not enough of the Nazi for my tastes, but another solid triple.

I'm running way late on this, so that's all for now. More tomorrow, which should come sooner given the number of shows that I watch being pre-empted for sweeps programming (Gilmore, Earl, Office, etc.).

Welcome to Hater Week!

Hi, my name is Dalton and you might remember me from the movie, Road House. I have been hired by the Chargers to regulate the crowd here at Qualcomm Stadium this week. If you thought the Double Deuce was tough, it is nothing compared to a Raiders game in San Diego. It is especially daunting being a night game, with gives Chewy and the rest of his posse a chance to knock back a couple of extra Tecates. It won�t be pretty. But for me, pain don't hurt, so I will tell the homeboys to bring it on.

That is why I have three rules for Raiders/Chargers week. The first is to never underestimate your opponent. Even if he is a skinny fellow in a wife beater tank top. If he is a Raiders fan, he likely has a knife. Two, take it outside of the stadium. You don�t want to be beating the crap out of some Raiders fan and make the people miss a huge LT scoring run. And three, be nice. Remember these rules because it is my way or the highway. It also won�t hurt to stick around for Hater Week here at the Hater Nation.


I am ready to go this week. And you need to be ready for this week, too. If you are new to the site you might want to get up to speed with the Raiders fan by reading our award-winning series, Raiders in the Mist. You can read the original by clicking here. Raiders fans in Las Vegas is here. And do not miss Raiders Fans at Dodger Stadium here.

Check back all week for Hater Week and be sure to stop by the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

Panthers Cheerleader Update?

Tampa Police Department officers arrested 10 people on Sunday outside Raymond James Stadium accusing them of operating a mobile strip club in the parking lot during the Bucs vs. Bears game.

Undercover officers fumbled upon the business running under the name D�j� Vu when they found them distributing flyers promoting the mobile strib club. Police found several bouncers and dancers inside the 40-foot-long 1987 motor home. It is not known if it was Renee Thomas (the hot one) and Angela Keathley working together to pay some legal bills in Tampa. Sgt. Bill Todd interviewed here, said that "the other thing the undercover officers observed, that at least two of the young ladies while engaged in lap dancing began performing oral sex for the patrons, on each other, not on the customers."

But Todd did not suspect Thomas and Keathley because the oral sex was performed out in the open, not in the motor home's restroom.

If you want to see the broads that were arrested (and you probably don't), check out Scott's Buc Stats site by clicking here. And don't forget the Hater Nation forums, here.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Chargers Are Still Alive

The Chargers are still alive today. But do they deserve to be? That is the question. And if so, who answers, who answers?

It is LaDainian Tomlinson who answered against the Redskins with three touchdowns, including the game-winner in overtime. Tomlinson was so cool, he even had a chance to check himself out on the video board on the way to pay dirt. Tomlinson, the best player in the NFL, saved the Chargers season with his heroics. (Please are their any holdouts who still believe that the Falcons got the better of the Mike Vick/Tomlinson trade? There must be somebody out there like Japanese soldiers that held out in the jungle following World War II.)

The Chargers are not going to catch the Broncos for the AFC West title. San Diego could run the table and still might not reach the playoffs. Not with Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, and Jacksonville playing a schedule so soft, they should be in the SEC. And seriously, if you give up three touchdown passes to Kyle Boller like the Bengals did on Sunday, you should be eliminated from the playoffs.

The Chargers do catch a break this week by playing host to UC Davis on Sunday.

THE OLD BALL COACH

Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer became the second consecutive former Redskins coach to walk into FedEx Field and punk Dan Snyder's crew. You figure Steve Spurrier could bring in his South Carolina team and get a victory. It has gotten so bad, the St. Louis football is rumored to be exhuming the body of George Allen to coach the club this week against the Redskins.

THE STEVE BISHEFF STATING THE OBVIOUS MOMENT

Overtime worked out well for the Chargers on Sunday, but any setup that does not give each team a chance to score is wrong. Oops, that almost was an opinion, something the Bish hates.

DEAN MARTIN ONCE SANG ABOUT HOUSTON

It looked like the Houston Texans jumped ahead of the St. Louis football team to show that it could actually beat an NFL team, but then remembered that it might lose its spot in Matt Leinart/Reggie Bush derby and tanked the game in overtime. Does anybody else get the feeling that the Texans are going to draft the Tony Mandrich of the 2006 NFL Draft?

WHY IS THIS MAN SMILING?

Rush Limbaugh must be beaming from ear-to-ear as both the Minnesota Vikings and Philadelphia Eagles lost its African-American starting quarterbacks for the season and are now winning with white quarterbacks. Just as God intended.

Limbaugh celebrated the news with a bottle of OxyContin and cursing the name of David Gerrard.


A GIANT LOSS

FOX analyst Darryl Johnston relayed an anecdote in the second quarter that Eli Messiah enjoys it when teams pressure him because it forces the best out of him. Eli fumbled on the next play like a school boy giving up his lunch money to the local bully as Grant Wistrom harassed him.

Yeah, Eli likes pressure much in the same vein as Bobby Hurley in the 1990 NCAA basketball championship game.

Have you ever noticed that when the Messiah or any of the league�s star quarterbacks throw a ball into coverage, he has "great confidence in his receivers?" Any other quarterback and it is a reckless throw. Remember that if you ever see Brett Favre in prime time again.

It should be noted that the Giants once again folded against a team with a winning record, which seems like a Manning family tradition. Some families open presents on Christmas Eve, the Mannings gag against stiff competition. Winning in the NFL is not so easy when the other team has its first string quarterback, huh? Look for Archie Manning to pan the league for making his boy play against real NFL competition instead of having a schedule like the Bengals.

Things are becoming so dire for the Giants they are combing nursing homes and hospitals to look for honorary owners who will kick the bucket and inspire the team. Is it too soon to use the phrase deader than a Giants owner?

BAD DAY FOR KICKERS

Nate Kaeding had a miserable day for the Chargers, but at least it did not cost the team in the long run. And how bad could it be for Kaeding because Casie still loves him.

The same could not be said for Giants kicker Jay Feely who blew three game-winning chances against the Seahawks (and hurting our fantasy team, too). But as bad as it was for Feely, at least he did not look as stupid as Jeremy Shockey. When you pause the image, you can actually see the point where his heart breaks.

WHO WERE THE AD WIZARDS WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?

Tom Brady's girlfriend, Bridget Moynihan, does not appear in those Visa commercials. And for good reason, those things are awful. But you have to figure that Moynihan likely had all bad commercials written out of her beard contract. You can almost she her saying, "Look, I'll shop with you, eat with you, show up at premieres with you. But don't make me do those horrible ads.�

John Elway has his own commercial out where he is lonely, looking glum because there is nobody to share a 72 ounce cocktail with him in a Hawaii watering hole. You know Jim Kelly would probably relish the chance to have that drink to himself. Trust us, that is funny.

Rumor has it that Madden Football 06 is so realistic, Donovan McNabb gets winded during the Super Bowl after partying all week. In addition to that, have you seen his dad's hairline in those Campbell Soup commercials? Dude doesn't have a chance. And is Mrs. McNabb the biggest media whore of a mother since Brenda Warner?

The only thing worse than hearing Bono�s insipid lyrics, is watching him mug for the camera, which makes us not want to buy the new I Pod. Watch the commercial closely next time. They quickly pan to the blonde haired guy in the band who gives the U2 front man a look where he seems to be thinking, �Just sing the song, douche bag. You are lucky you are making me so much money.�

SUNDAY NIGHT MADNESS

It is simply disgusting that the NFL gave the Saints an extra home game this season, allowing them to play another home date at the Meadowlands on Sunday night.

Joe Theismann, during the intro, said that Saints coach Jim Haslett deserved to be the NFL Coach of the Year because of the way he has allowed his team to fold this season by leaning on a built-in excuse. We immediately started watching The Simpsons.

And speaking of The Simpsons, for those of you who think that this show is done, you are fooling yourselves. �Hey silly rabbit, ribs are for kicks.� The Simpsons still own. You can take the Family Guy, which is merely a cheap copy that goes way over the top to overcompensate for poor writing. Much in the same vein that a man in a midlife crisis buys a sports car. Or a sports columnist wears a rug.

People who say the Family Guy is better are like those tennis court Marxists who are trying to sound intelligent by going along with the masses. Or people who don�t find Ferris Bueller funny. It is just wrong.

Have we given you enough to talk about? Discuss it on the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Once a Cowboy, Always a Cowboy

Michael Irvin was not about to let the Seventh Floor Crew show him up. The former Cowboys and Miami Hurricanes receiver was charged with a misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia after police searched his vehicle during a traffic stop, Plano police said Sunday.

Irvin is a semi-finalist for the Pro Football Hall of Fame and evidentially drew inspiration from Lawrence Taylor on how to make it he leap to enshrinement. Irvin currently works as an analyst for ESPN and showed up for work bright and early on Sunday morning. He said that it was the coffee. ESPN allowed Irvin to work on Sunday reasoning that Irvin already talks fast and often makes incoherent points anyway, so it is not like the drugs are going to affect his work.

"We are reviewing the facts of the situation and have no comment at this time," ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz said.

At least Terrell Owens will have somebody to hang out with when Irvin is fired.

Although it is not known at the moment, experts expect Irvin to opt for the "It is not mine, I don't know how it got there defense.� While, "Keeping it real for his peeps" also is a possibility. The good news for the fans is that Irvin will be able to model more of his mink coats for the fans. The good news for Irvin is that if he does serve time for the drug charge, he could use the experience to ready himself for the Longest Yard, Part II.

And hey, that Cowboys joke from Wednesday did turn out to be timely. Discuss this at the Hater Nation forums by clicking here. P.S. we must appologize to Chris, a bartender at Harrah's in Las Vegas and huge Cowboys fan, for having to run this story.

SUNDAY NIGHT UPDATE

Irvin indeed went to the "it was a friend card." Irvin said that it was the pipe of a friend of 17 years who left rehab in Houston and came to Thanksgiving dinner with Irvin's family. Irvin put the pipe in his car so his kids would not find it. Imagine the bad luck of being pulled over the same time he was driving to deposit the pipe in a dumpster. Wow, imagine the odds of that. You can read more here.

Luck be a Lady of the Lake

There's a traditional Jewish folk song that usually gets busted out around the Passover seder table called "Dayeinu" (that's pronounced die-AY-nu for the many Gentiles in the audience), which translates roughly as "It would have been enough." The lyrics are like "Even if God had only brought us out of slavery... dayeinu. Even if God had only brought us out of slavery and given us mannah to eat... dayeinu." Etc., etc., etc.

Passover is still a long way away (thankfully, since it's one of my least favorite Jewish holidays), but I had Dayeinu in my head a lot last night. My mom had been babysitting Julia in the afternoon, and the original plan was for us to pick her up around dinner time.

Even if we had just picked her up as planned and spent the evening hanging out and watching TV... dayeinu.

Then my mom offered to keep Julia overnight, and even if we had just gone to a holiday blockbuster movie at the local multiplex... dayeinu.

Then Marian suggested we take advantage of the mild weather and go into Manhattan, and even if we had just gone in and taken in a more obscure movie ("Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" was our target) or gone out for a fancy dinner... dayeinu.

Any or all of those activities would have been just fine and dandy. But we had time to kill before the movie was going to start, so we wandered over to Marian's favorite Italian restaurant, Carmine's, and when we saw the huge line at the door, our eyes wandered across the street to the Schubert Theater, where "Spamalot" was playing. Now, I've been dying to see that show ever since Eric Idle announced it, but between huge ticket demand and the matter of the small child who needs us to take care of her 24-7 for some reason, it hadn't happened, and I figured it wouldn't happen at least until the original cast was all gone.

But we still had time before the movie, and it was about 15 minutes before the opening curtain, so we wandered over, and while Marian talked to an usher, I got on the end of the Cancellations line. There were at least a dozen people ahead of me, and I assumed we had no shot at getting in. But a minute after I got on line, a woman walked up to me and offered to sell me two orchestra seats, face value, that she couldn't use. And after I got my heart started again, I said "Um, how about YES?" and waved Marian over.

So while getting out of Egypt/the house was swell and all, I got to go all the way to the promised land of "Spamalot," with kick-ass seats for one of the silliest and most entertaining times I've ever had at the legitimate the-ay-ter. (And, appropriately enough for this particular theme, the show has a song where David Hyde Pierce explains that you can't succeed on Broadway "if you don't have any Jews.")

As we've already established on this blog, I'm a giant dork, so I've seen "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" a few dozen times and know most of it by heart. So as cool as it was to see the French Taunter or the Knights Who Say Ni (both played so well by Alan Tudyk that I can't imagine Hank Azaria, who had Tudyk's parts originally, being any better), my favorite parts of the show tended to be the original material, like the aforementioned song about Jews, or the Andrew Lloyd Weber parody "The Song That Goes Like This," or Lancelot's expanded encounter with limp-wristed Prince Herbert.

So, all in all, this Nov. 26th went a hell of a lot better than the last Nov. 26th (see below). And if I don't get to Broadway again for a while... (say it with me)... dayeinu.

Friday, November 25, 2005

My worst day ever so far, by Julio(*)

(Warning: the following has little to do with television, or movies or anything else, but given the date, it's something I needed to write. Snappy comments on lots of shows come towards the end.)

A year ago today, I was driving home from a late-night run to my local comic book store, where I was taking advantage of a Black Friday Midnight Madness sale to pick up a copy of JLA/Avengers on the cheap. If I'd known then what I know now, I would've just stayed home and paid the retail price for the damn thing. Instead, I was driving home in my hand-me-down Honda, pleased as punch at my purchase, when I drove through a green light and, out of the corner of my left eye, saw a car roaring at me so fast that I thought, "Oh, God, that police car's about to hit me," right before the left side of the car caved in on me, I spun out of control for 270 degrees or so and wound up perpendicular to my original position, unable to move or breathe and in excruciating pain.

My lungs refilled after a minute or so, and I reached for my cell phone, never gladder to own one than I was at that moment -- or to have the ability to move my arms at all. I picked it up and dialed home, and when Marian picked up, I was able to gasp out her name before the connection went dead -- and Marian quickly decided that I was dead, too. But she called back, and I was able to tell her where I was and what had happened, and she called 911. So had the woman whose lawn I came to a halt in front of, so two different ambulance crews showed up, both annoyed that the other was there, both stuck on location until they could cut me out with the Jaws of Life. A paramedic with a French accent and a French-sounding name that I can't remember anymore (Gerard? Henri?) sat in the back seat, holding my head in place in the event I had any kind of spinal injury. I don't know if it was the shock, or my disbelief at why this had happened, but I asked one of the other medics to make sure he picked up JLA/Avengers and put it in the ambulance, because I was gonna be damned if I almost died for a comic book and then couldn't read it in the hospital.

They cut me out of the car, placed me on the backboard as gently as they could, given my height and bulk, and slid me into the ambulance, where they proceeded to cut off my clothes, including my favorite jacket and my Superman t-shirt. (And, yes, I'm enough of a dork to wear a Superman shirt on a trip to the comic book store; and, yes, I'm aware of the irony inherent in almost dying while wearing the thing.) I was hurt bad enough that they didn't even take me to the local hospital, but to the nearest trauma center, a place where I had history both good (Julia was born there) and bad (my dad died there). I think I was in too much shock to feel real pain during the ambo ride, but when they set me down in the ER, it all hit me. I would find out later that I had broken three ribs and had badly lacerated my spleen, and boy howdy did all that hurt. And I wasn't even the most mangled guy in the ER. There was someone a few curtains down making sounds like a wounded coyote; one of the nurses told me that a car had completely crushed one of his limbs.

To add injury to insult and injury, when Marian arrived at the hospital with Julia in tow, she noticed that the fever Julia had displayed earlier in the evening was back. With nothing else to do until she was allowed to see me, she walked Julia down the hall to the pedes ER, where she found out that Julia had pneumonia. Not a good health night for the andreikirilenkotattoo clan.

To make a long story only slightly less long, they kept me in the hospital for a week to make sure my spleen wouldn't rupture and flood my body with poisons. I started out in the ICU, where I was the nurses' favorite patient because, as the only guy not in a coma and/or with a tube down his throat, I could actually have conversations with them. Then I got moved to a step-down ward, where I suddenly became very popular among the family members of the other residents, all of whom had eyes on my room, the only private one on the floor. ("So, you going home tomorrow? Can you put in a good word for me?")

This was, obviously, not a good time. But as I look back on it a year later (And has it really been a year? Because it feels like yesterday.), I feel really damn glad to be alive, to have most of my health back, to have my wife and daughter and my friends and loved ones and blog-readers. Today (today), I consider myself (self) the luckiest man (man) on the face of the earth (earth).

The sentimental portion out of the way, let's get to all the stuff I've watched since last we met -- and it's been a lot, so buckle up.

"Prison Break": Oh my god, they killed Abruzzi! Those bastards! I suppose if I had to choose between Abruzzi and T-Bag, I'd rather keep T-Bag, who causes more trouble and is funnier than our mob boss. (Abruzzi's funniest moment was cutting off Michael's toe, which was an accidental homage to Peter Stormare's role in "The Big Lebowski.") The sequence with Michael flooding the chamber so he could swim to the top of it was genius; that's the stuff that got me hooked on this show in the first place, and the stuff I expect we're going to lose once Michael and pals are outside the prison walls.

"Gilmore Girls": I used to think that Amy Sherman-Palladino wrote the wordiest scripts on television, but now I've realized that it's her husband Daniel. I almost don't need to look at the writing credits for a given episode to tell if it's a Daniel show or not; the staggering words per minute ratio is always the clue. Glad to see Rory and Lorelai enjoying the reunion some more, though I would've liked to see them deal with the fact that Luke essentially lives with them now. (Did he move back into the diner apartment when Rory came home?) Zach's meltdown at the band showcase was funny, even though I've never seen "Dig" and didn't get the homage. (That's the secret of good homage... and let's just say 'homage' one more time to stick it in our brains for the rest of the day... feel better? I know I do.)

"House": Greg, you magnificent, self-loathing bastard. Your plan to win Stacy back of course drove her away -- just as I'm sure you knew it would when you stole those files. Meth-Head Cameron was an interesting diversion, but most of this week's highlights took place away from the main medical story.

"My Name Is Earl": Okay, they need to keep revisiting that one-legged ex-girlfriend, because those scenes are always gold -- especially when they brought in her no-legged, one-armed, ass-kicking new boyfriend. One of the better episodes overall, what with the multiple taser scenes, the recycled negative campaign ad and Crab Man displaying a social conscience.

"The Office": This, on the other hand, was pain. Pure pain. I had to start fast-forwarding through the Michael improv class scenes after a while, it was so squirm-inducing. Now, the thing is, a lot of the British episodes were just as uncomfortable (his motivational speech comes easily to mind), yet I found those more tolerable and funnier than when Michael's being pathetic. If I could figure out why one works for me and the other doesn't, well, then I'd have a decent column, I suppose. (Then again, I just wrote my whole "Jim and Pam should be the leads" column last week, so maybe I'm done proposing ways to improve the show for a while.)

"Lost": Remind me to just ignore all Damon Lindelof interviews from now on. He went on and on about how no one would believe what Ana-Lucia used to do for a living, when I think every single person who watches the show would have picked either cop or soldier after seeing her for a few weeks. Ana-Lucia, former ballerina? That would be a twist. Ana-Lucia, ex-debutante? That would shock me. Ana-Lucia, cop with a hair-trigger temper? Not so much. The flashbacks did explain why she acts the way she does, and it established that even the writers think she's too extreme, so that was good. The best parts of the episode, however, were the meetings and reunions -- Locke and Mr. Eko, Jin and Sun, Michael and the dog and, best of all, Bernard and Rose. (Excuse me, I have something in my eye again. Be right back.) Someone needs to come up with a few flashbacks for those two.

"Veronica Mars": Hot damn, that was good. Because Veronica is almost never scared of anything, on those rare occasions where she shows any fear at all (think back to her seeing Aaron Echolls in her rearview mirror), you know the shit has absolutely hit the fan. So that biker bar scene was intense (and helped along by one of my favorite songs off the "VM" soundtrack, "Dakota," by Stereophonics). Just as freaky as Weevil's henchmen playing Russian Roulette with Logan's privates; I've already seen next week's episode, and the fallout from that is good. And if we can't have Wallace around for a while for budgetary reasons, Mac makes a fine substitute sidekick.

"Survivor": Didn't see much of it. I was otherwise occupied Thanksgiving night, and then my poor impulse control got the better of me and I read a recap of the episode before I got to see it, just so I'd know who was voted off. Damn spoilers and their tempting chocolatey goodness! I did check out the Tribal Council, just because it sounded like Gary went down swinging, and he sure did, taking shots at Stephenie (loved seeing Bobby Jon and Jamie giggle in hysterics at the autograph joke) and Judd the bad liar. I'll miss you, mighty landscaper. One thing I wish had happened: Hogeboom gets his torch snuffed, then turns to the others and says, "By the way, I really was an NFL quarterback," followed by everyone saying, "We know, Gary, we know."

"Sleeper Cell":
This one isn't on yet, but it's been taking up a lot of my viewing time lately, and it is very cool. A friend of mine described it as "'Wiseguy' meets '24'," and I think the description is pretty apt, though it doesn't have the constant plot logic problems of "24" and the bad guy doesn't act circles around the main character. I'm five or six hours into a 10 hour show, so I'll have more comments later this week, before I write the review. But if you have Showtime, check it out next week.

So, in short, it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive, and there was a lot of great TV in the last week. andreikirilenkotattoo out.

(*)In case you were wondering, by the way, this post's title comes from Rick Schroder's finest moment on "NYPD Blue," a sarcastic interrogation from his very first episode with a suspicious gunshot victim named Julio; when Julio whined that he was having a bad day, Rick suggested he submit his tale of woe to Reader's Digest, and call it "My worst day ever so far, by Julio." You couldn't write that. David Milch could, but you couldn't.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Vikings Code of Conduct Revealed

The Minnesota Vikings recently handed out its code conduct to its players in response to a string of embarrassing incidents that have discredited the team worse than it could ever do on the field, which means that it was really extreme. The code of conduct was not made public but the Hater Nation has obtained some of the specific articles and will present them to you.

Section 1, Paragraph 4: Coaches are encouraged to refrain from having sex with team secretaries, impregnating them, and then forcing them to have an abortion.

Section 1, Paragraph 25: When an employee's wages are garnished by a court order due to child support, the team is bound to withhold the amount indicated up to 14 illegitimate children.

Section 1, Paragraph 29: Report any illegal ticket scalping to your head coach immediately.

Section 1, Paragraph 39: Although facial hair is permitted, a clean, professional and healthy look is encouraged while at work or representing the Vikings. Except for Ragnar, of course.

Section 12, Paragraph 88: Any reference to the "Hail Mary" or "Nate Wright" is strictly prohibited.

Section 11, Paragraph 1: It is good common sense to wait a half hour after eating to sexually assault an adult entertainer on the open seas.

Section 84, Paragraph 1: Players should wait at least 45 seconds before leaving the scene of a traffic incident.

Section 84, Paragraph 4: Posses, crews, and sets must be limited to no more than 14 people.

Section 84, Paragraph 12: Please only squirt NFL officials with water only, not Gatorade. That stuff can get expensive.

Section 84, Paragraph 15: Please leave all bling off of your person if you are playing. Of course gold teeth are acceptable. (Hey, Chad Johnson could be a free agent soon.)

Section 32, Paragraph 1: Leave all drug paraphernalia at home. Do not take it to the airport.

Section 32, Paragraph 1a: If you are going to do drugs, even once in a blue moon, please let us know ahead of time so Matt Birk can take your drug test.

Section 32, Paragraph 5: Do not accept free DirecTV under and circumstance.

Section 77, Paragraph 18: Should you get hurt on the job, see your immediate supervisor to fill out an incident report within 24 hours. Please note, if your out-of-shape, over-weight husband happens to die during training camp, you can rest assured that our family will take care of your family as long as needed.

Section 99, Paragraph 6: Flexibility is a quality that is embraced with the team. You must be willing to move to San Antonio or Los Angels within a month�s notice if needed.

But the Vikings weren't the only team addressing issues. Other teams around the league have recently (or not, some of these jokes will be stale) added to its code of conduct.

Arizona: See Section 1, Paragraph 4 of the Vikings code of conduct.

Atlanta: The use of pseudonyms is strictly prohibited.

Carolina: Cheerleaders, especially in public, must use the restroom one at a time.

Players are required to leave all keys to their trunks with the front office staff and local authorities.

Dallas: Players purchasing a house for orgies must have no more than two players names on the title. (We told you this was old).

Certain coaches should consider wearing a "Bro" (a bra for men).

Only one loud-mouth jerk of a receiver is allowed on that team at a time.

Miami: Crying is prohibited on the practice field.

Oakland: See Vikings code of conduct, section 84 (hereby known as Section 18).

Ecstasy must be of pharmaceutical grade.

Players making sex tapes must submit their work to the quality control office no later than 9 a.m. on Monday morning.

For the fans: Darth Raider's light saber must not exceed 60 inches in length. Spiked shoulder pads should be no more than four inches long. Ugly people encouraged to wear silver and black makeup.

Philadelphia: Running the football is strictly prohibited while quarterback is nursing an injury.

Complaints about coaches, players and management should be submitted in writing to the front-office staff.

Pittsburgh: Quarterbacks are not allowed to ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Except for Tommy Maddox.

Cleveland: Just stay off the (expletive) motorcycle.

St. Louis: No collect calls will be accepted from coaches while games are in progress.

All employees terminated from the team must have one final swim at the owner's beach house.

Have some of your own? Feel free to add them at the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

When Overrated QBs Collide

For a guy that spends his Sundays ripping on players, Phil Simms sure seems to be thin skinned, especially when it comes to his son. The former Giants quarterback was outraged when Steve Young had the audacity to make this comment about Buccaneers quarterback, Chris Simms.

"His dad was one of the greatest at being tough and handling all the criticisms . . . I worry that he grew up in a much different atmosphere, a laissez-faire kind of atmosphere. And I'm worried he really doesn't have the mental toughness to deal with the information overload that comes with the NFL."

A couple of things here; when did Young turn into Don King? Young might be the dumbest smart guy in the world. The guy holds a couple of degrees, yet he does not quite understand when laissez-faire means. The French phrase is a synonym for "free market economics" and literally means "hands off." See what happens when idiot jocks try to sound smart?

Phil Simms, of course, fired back.

"There is one thing I know my son doesn't lack, and that is toughness," he said. "And he didn't grow up in a laissez-faire atmosphere - far from it. Come to my house and live around me and we'll see how laissez-faire it is.

"I don't know how Steve Young lives his life, but I don't live mine that way. And I didn't raise my kids that way. You can say whatever you want about my son; the one thing that will get me mad, and I'll stand in your face about it, is about toughness. Who in the hell can be tougher than him, physically or what he endures?"

You know, Chris Simms sure does look like a tough guy when a dad is fighting all of his battles for him. The elder Simms then challenged Young to a fight at the flag pole at 3 p.m. But Young, being the chicken *bleep* that he is, backed down pretty quickly from his words as he rolled over on his back like a dog and piddled on himself.

"What I meant was the generational gap between guys my age and Phil's age and today's generation," explained Young, the former San Francisco 49ers star who entered the Pro Football Hall of Fame this year.

"It had absolutely no impact on how Phil raised his son. I'd let Phil raise my son. He can literally raise my two sons right now. I trust Phil implicitly."

Obviously Young is pretty laissez faire, indeed. You can discuss this further in the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Dead Man Not Walking

Lil' Hater's report from the Road.

WASHINGTON � In an emotional performance, the usually hapless Oakland Raiders came from behind to win their fourth game of the season Sunday, 16-13, against the Washington Redskins. Players and coaches dedicated the unexpected victory to their deceased owner, Al Davis.

"We saw this year how the New York Giants shamelessly exploited the deaths of two of their owners � two guys literally no one had ever heard of before they croaked � to ensure victories in the games following each of their deaths," noted Raider running back LaMont Jordan. "It's a pretty cowardly and weak ploy, actually, but we felt that if they could do it, hey, so could we."

Davis, leader of the Raiders since 1963, has clearly been dead for several years. The actual date of his passing is unclear, although insiders say the date probably coincided with the Raiders getting humiliated by former coach John Gruden's Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl XXXVII. Staff members occasionally wheel Davis' corpse about McAfee Stadium in carefully choreographed moves taken from Weekend At Bernie's script. During the week, his body is entombed like Vladimir Lenin.

"We had this dead guy hanging around the franchise for years, smelling up the place and creeping out the cheerleaders," said lineman Warren Sapp. "But heck, if the Giants can use the death of an owner to gain sympathy from the refs, and motivate the team a little, so can we."

The strategy clearly worked on Sunday, as the Raiders � for perhaps the first time in franchise history � got the benefit of all the close referee calls in the game, including the non-call of a late Jordan fumble on the goal line, which led to the Raiders scoring the winning points. CBS broadcasters also did its part for its AFC franchise, showing review-able plays in super slow motion only when overturning the calls would benefit Oakland, while blatantly ignoring replays of calls that could benefit Washington.

Sapp also noted that the "Win One For the Dead Guy" ploy was specifically used for a road game, out of concerns that unruly and drunk Raider fans would have torn the decomposing corpse of Davis apart piece by piece in celebration of the victory.

Emboldened by the use of gamesmanship to ensure victory, Raider officials are now exploring the best way to exploit a national tragedy to gain an extra home game, as the Giants have also done. "It's going to be tough to equal the Giant's record this year � using two dead owners and a hurricane to weasel out three extra victories � but the Raiders are all about cheating, too, so who�s to say we can't rise to the challenge," said Sapp.

Opposing coaches say the strategy, while gutless, is to be expected in the hyper-competitive NFL.

"We'd try the same thing too, if Dan Snyder wasn't as reviled as he is," noted Redskins coach Joe Gibbs.

Pay respect to the departed Raiders owner in the Hater Nation forums found here.

Memo to Anaheim: Knock it Off

The Angels name change from Anaheim to Los Angeles was terrible. But you know what, the team was still winning and they still played in the same stadium. Although that could be changing very soon if the city of Anaheim does not get its act together.

Angels owner Artie Moreno told the Los Angeles Times that he would consider moving the team if they did not stop with all of the legal nonsense.

"They are trying to run me out of town," Moreno said. "If this gets put into appeals court, somewhere along the line you have to think about whether you're gone."

Way to go, Anaheim. It is bad enough they allowed the Los Angeles Rams to fold, but now they want to chase the Angels away. How soon can we start a recall election?

Why is the city even taking this to court? The city received nearly $5 million from the Angels as part of the lease agreement, despite the name change. It's over Anaheim, Dean Wormer dropped the big one. Why not worry about fixing up the football stadium at Western High School instead of suing the one person, outside of Disney, that contributes more money to your annual coffers than anybody else. I am sure the residents of Anaheim feel that all of the money for attorney's fees is worth it.

Especially when the team is playing in Tijuana in 2008.

Monday, November 21, 2005

My life is now complete

In the All TV e-mailbox this morning, I got a message with the subject line "Come and knock on my door," which was full of praise for Matt and me, and which was signed by Richard Kline -- aka Larry Dallas, sleazy/wacky neighbor supreme on "Three's Company." Between this and the angry e-mail Tom Arnold sent Matt a while back, I'm pretty happy with our celebrity readership.

I've written so much here about the leads on "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Office" being the least funny characters on each show that I figured I ought to get a column out of it, so here it is.

Liked the "Grey's Anatomy" Thanksgiving episode a lot. Sometimes I think the show is too in love with its own sense of humor -- the twinkling string music over any scene that's even halfway amusing can get tiresome -- but this was a funny hour, mixed in with a strong poignant story about the rebirth and death of coma guy. One question: "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance" is gay? Yet another reason that girl's parents should have hated him.

"Curb Your Enthusiasm" was awful, again. Much as I love to see Larry try to Jew it up, this one was so dumb and phony and contrived that I was surprised Richard Kline didn't pop into the chalet halfway through the episode to invite Larry to cruise for chicks at the Regal Begal. Good to see that Stuart Pankin has trimmed down, but I couldn't believe that any person in this episode would do or say anything that they were doing and saying. Even when "Curb" is wacky, there's an internal logic to it that wasn't anywhere to be found here -- except in the scene where the doctor busts Larry on his reason for lingering over Louis Lewis' bed, and Larry congratulates him for the deduction.

Back to "How I Met Your Mother," this was a solid one, though once again the non-Ted portions were much better than the Ted portions. Marian and I have about the same height differential as Lily and Marshall, and as Lily gawked at the turkey, Marian admitted that when we were seriously dating, some friends suggested that she might consider how big a baby of mine would feel inside her belly. (Sure enough, Julia had a ginormous head and didn't want to come out for weeks.) Oh, and that ending? If the stripper really was the kids' mom, I think I would be a lot more interested in Ted's story. But that's just me.

I'll be back tomorrow with thoughts on "Prison Break" and most of the Tuesday shows. Maybe my inbox today will have a message from Pat Harrington...

Fool Us Once Bengals

The Bengals have had two chances to prove to the football world that they belonged among the elite of the NFL teams. Both times they have missed that opportunity�at home. It is enough to make us concerned about the well being of our friend Cris Collinsworth. The Bengals have lost to both Pittsburgh and Indianapolis this season proving that they just do not have what it takes to make a run for the Super Bowl.

Instead the Bengals are like Anthony Michael Hall�s character in Sixteen Candles, the King of the Dweebs. The Bengals have built a pretty good record against the bottom feeders of the AFC and will use that to slide in the playoffs. To expect this team to make a run for the conference championship, however, would be foolish. We will not be fooled again.

PRIEST HOLMES MAN OF THE YEAR

Priest Holmes could likely commiserate with Jennifer Aniston. The Chiefs dumped Holmes after his injury, and like Brad Pitt, have flourished with a new partner in Larry Johnson. It must be painful for Holmes to watch Larry do all the things that he used to do, running for meaningless touchdowns in a blowout as the team heads for another disappointing season. And how smart do you look if you drafted Larry Johnson in your fantasy league? That is like having an extra first-round draft choice.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

Not to go Steve Bisheff on all of you by stating the obvious, but Reggie Bush won the Heisman Trophy on Saturday. Any voter that does not vote for Bush to win should lose the privilege of voting for the award.

It is a shame that Fresno State will end up moving out of the Top 20 for losing to USC. Writers and coaches that vote in these polls should consider the teams some of these ball clubs are losing to. If we had a vote in this thing our ballot would look something like this:

  1. USC
  2. Oregon
  3. Notre Dame
  4. Fresno State
  5. Texas
If somebody can make a valid reason why the Ducks should not be the top one-loss team in the country, we would like to hear it. Oregon has lost one game, to USC, which means they are basically undefeated against college teams. And nice work by Miami this week. Is it any coincidence that on a day when the Hurricanes break out uniforms that look storm troopers, they bumble around the field and lose against Georgia Tech. I cannot wait to read all of the Seven Floor Crew jokes this morning.

And it feels like we are overrating Texas here.

CHAD JOHNSON DOES NOT DISAPPOINT

Leave it to Chad Johnson to at least come through for the Bengals. Johnson, who has made a name for himself with his touchdown celebrations, proposed to this Bengals hottie, here. The couple celebrated their engagement in the bathroom of a local Hooters. Just kidding. It is just nice to finally see a cheerleader that actually likes men.

Johnson also held up a sign to show his support for Terrell Owens. And why shouldn't he? Johnson will be able to cash in if Owens gets his wish of free agency.


You can discuss more of this at the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Wha happen?

I know, I know, I know... the four of you who actually read this blog have all been complaining about the tardiness of the latest entry, so I'll try to tackle Wednesday through the weekend (or what I've seen of it) as quick as I can.

"Lost": The whole Zen "no answers" thing works out really well for an episode like this, which was basically a one-hour expansion of a few lines of Ana-Lucia dialogue from the week before. If you're willing to accept that there's going to be wheel-spinning and hedging and no new information except when the writers have absolutely no choice, then you can enjoy the character and thriller aspects. I liked the extended look at the tailaways, and the sort of parallel structure to the main characters, with Ana-Lucia as Kate, Mr. Eko (my favorite character on the show by far these days) as Locke and Goodwin seeming to be Jack. Brett Cullen, who played Goodwin, is one of my favorite Hey, It's That Guys (TV division), and once again he got the job done. Hopefully, either this or "West Wing" is going to lead him to another regular job. (He has a supporting role on a WB midseason show with Rebecca Romijn, but it's so lousy that he'll probably be looking for a new gig inside a month.) The scene on top of the mountain where Ana-Lucia and Goodwin pleasantly chatted while each was sizing the other up for the kill was the kind of character-based suspense this show does so damn well that I'm willing to ignore the non-info thing.

The one problem the producers have is that they introduced Ana-Lucia in a way designed to make viewers just despise her -- sneering in every scene, bullying three of the main characters, yelling loudly whenever anyone tries to get answers and, last week, killing Shannon -- and now they're backtracking and trying to show why you should like her. It doesn't work that way, which J.J. Abrams (who I know isn't very hands-on these days) should remember from the "Alias" season with Melissa George. She was also intro'd in a manner where fans had no choice but to hate her (disrupting their long-awaited Sydney/Vaughn romance), and when the effort to make her sympathetic didn't work, J.J. admitted defeat and turned her evil full-time. Ana-Lucia has built up so much bad karma with the viewers over only a few weeks that she may never enter their good graces. Maybe she'll have to go and join The Others at some point.

"Veronica Mars": An odd episode, tonally darker than even this show usually gets. Sheriff Lamb is one of the show's better recurring characters, so I like giving him some depth, so long as he doesn't suddenly turn into a nice guy. (His jerkiness is his most likable trait.) Little movement on the bus crash and only slightly more on Logan's case, though the idea of having Logan and Duncan live together is genius, since it forces Veronica and Duncan to trade insults on a regular basis.

"South Park": I'm the only person I know who saw this one and was underwhelmed. I just feel like Tom Cruise and Scientology are like a turkey shoot these days, and this could have been a lot savager and funnier than it was. The two best jokes: the "THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE" caption over the history video, and Stan (and, by proxy, Matt and Trey) daring the Scientologists to sue, followed by a closing credits full of John and Jane Smiths.

"Survivor": Hogeboom lives to landscape another day! Woo-hoo! What I liked about this episode the most was the irony Jamie becomes so paranoid that his allies are going to turn on him that his paranoia drives them to turn on him. Ever since Alanis Morissette ruined everyone's definition of irony, you rarely see the concept in its 100% pure form like this. Oh, and this blog entry has been brought to you by Folger's. Damn, that's good coffee! And hot!

"The O.C.": Well, I give them points for not letting Summer be dumb enough to fall into Taylor's jealousy trap -- yet -- and for letting Julie plausibly outsmart 7 of 9, but the show's overall IQ has dropped so many points since the first season that I feel uncomfortable watching it. Season three "O.C." is the kind of show that season one "O.C." would have mocked.

"ER": I'll give 'em this: as stupid as I thought the plane crash in Chicago idea was, it got me watching the show for the first time this season. Incredibly stupid, but entertaining in a C-level disaster movie way. No "ER" disaster episode is ever going to top season one's blizzard episode (where the producers didn't have to blow the budget on snow and crash effects, since everything took place inside the hospital), but this wasn't any cheesier than the helicopter crash, or the train crash, or the toxic waste spill, or the spree shooting, or... (As Matt put it, "Did they build this hospital on top of a Hellmouth?")

"SNL": I'm starting to feel like one of those monks from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" who wander around constantly smashing boards into their faces as mortification. Why else am I watching this show week after week? The problem isn't just the lousy writing and flimsy premises (a house music parody? a sketch designed to let the cast showcase their impressions of late '50s celebrities?), but the fact that it's a cast full of second and third-tier "SNL" types. The writing has been uneven practically since the show began, but the good casts always have at least one or two people who are funny even with lousy material: Gilda, Belushi and Murray in the original cast, Lovitz and Hartman in the late '80s, Will Ferrell in the late '90s. This group has some talented impressionists (Heder's Pacino is the best I've ever seen) and people who can be funny on the rare occasion when the sketch is working, but the closest thing they have to people who can rise above the material are Will Forte and Amy Poehler, but even they only occasionally can make something out of nothing.

"The Simpsons": Not the funniest episode of the season by a long stretch, but I give them points for a relatively coherent Homer-Lisa story, though the California recall election parody felt like filler between emotional beats of the story. This is two weeks in a row where they've tried to return to smaller stories about the family, and it's clear that most of the current writers have either let those muscles atrophy or never had them in the first place (the younger ones who grew up on the years of the show where Homer flew in the space shuttle and toured with Hullabalooza). Still, I appreciate the effort now and then; the first couple of seasons weren't always that hilarious, but there was a heart to those stories that kept me around, long after our hero turned into Jerkass Homer.

More on "Grey's Anatomy," "Curb" and other Sunday shows either later Monday or on Tuesday morning. I'll get a relatively fixed schedule on this thing sooner or later. Really.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Stay tuned...

Sorry for no update yet today. I half-wrote my entry and then got tied up with stuff at work. I'll definitely have it done at some point this weekend.

What's Up For Week 11?

What is up Hater Nation fans, it is me, Drew Rosenhaus! I got locked out of Terrell Owens arbitration hearing today so I decided to take up NFL Adam�s offer to host his weekly feature, �What�s Up for Week 11?� This should be a good time for everybody involved and I am looking forward to this.

Did you see that Gary Hogeboom somehow managed to play another day in Survivor? It was poor Jamie that was voted out of the game show, much like my man, T.O., was voted out of Philadelphia. I mean, what did Jamie do that was so bad? Sure he alienated his teammates, called out his opponents, and basically questioned every move that his team made. That is what winners do. I do not blame him for being upset and yelling out, "I was blindsided." Of course, when he said that, Gary Hogeboom jumped up and yelled, "I was not an NFL quarterback, damn it. I am a landscape artist."

And Gary, I saw you play for the Cowboys, Colts and Cardinals. You are right, you were not a former NFL quarterback. But now it is time to get to the questions here so fire way.

The Chargers have to pretty much run the table to get to the postseason. Is there any chance they can make a charge to the playoffs?

Next question.

Is this the week the Bears are exposed as the frauds that they are playing host to Carolina?

Next question.

Can Eli Manning rebound from his horrible game against the Minnesota Vikings?

Next question.

Are you planning an answering any of the burning questions of the week?

Next question.

Asshole says �next question.�

Next question.

Can you at least give us some of your fantasy picks?

Next question.

Is this bit ever going to get funny?

Next question.

The Raiders have lost two consecutive games. Is there any way they can climb back into the playoff race?

No (expletive) way.

Denver has started hot in each of the past couple of seasons. What gives you any indication that this season will be different?

Next question.

Wow, that was fun guys. Thank you so much for stopping by the Hater Nation. I understand that I am supposed to direct you to the Hater Nation forums. I saw it and it was nothing special. But if you must, you can reach the forums by clicking here.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Former Cheerleader in Playboy

Do not be scared boys, it is not that former brunette Top Cat who flamed out faster than Poochie from the Simpsons. Seriously, that story became so stale even Steve Bisheff would not reference them. The cheerleader is Lisa Perry who was recently booted off the team.

And since you horndogs seem to love the cheerleading stuff, here is the interview.

PLAYBOY: How long have you been cheering for the Colts?

LISA: I was with the Colts for five years and I was a captain, but I'm no longer a Colts cheerleader. I still root for them to win, but right now, I�m actually a reporter for Gambling911.com.

PLAYBOY: Any reason for the change?

LISA: Most NFL teams have rules about fraternizing with the players.

PLAYBOY: Details, please.

LISA: It's a good story. We were in Tokyo for a preseason game. Afterward I went to my room to take a shower. Other girls came in, and they were sitting around eating when there was a knock on the door. I figured it was another cheerleader, so I said, "Come in." The door opened and it was a couple of players. I was like, "Shut my door. What are you guys doing?" I'm in a towel. It looks bad�though I do look good in a towel. Sure enough, I got caught. A high-profile player, who shall remain nameless, was hiding in my shower.

PLAYBOY: Sounds innocent enough.

LISA: It was 100 percent�this time. But my director had it in for me all year. The anti-fraternization rule is the worst. It just happens I'm friends with the players and I�ll stay friends with them.

So who do you think the player was? The first guess might be Peyton Manning but she said hiding in the shower, not the closet. If you have any guesses, you can take a shot at the Hater Nation Forums here. And more photos, too.

A copy better than the original

If it seems like it takes me longer than it should to catch up on a specific night's worth of shows, it's because I've been spending a lot of time catching up on "Battlestar Galactica." One of the downsides of sharing the workload with another critic is that, if I'm not reviewing something, I rarely can make the time to watch it on my own. Matt snagged the "Galactica" miniseries back in '03 and proceeded to dump all over it in his review ("The Sci Fi version is better than the original, I guess, but that�s not much of a compliment," he wrote. "It�s like saying one brand of American cheese smells better than another.") So I filed it away as a show I didn't need to bother with, and moved on.

But when the first season began airing late last year, I began seeing reviews by other critics whose opinions I trust, and they were raves. Diane Werts wrote at one point, "Is this the best show on television right now or what?" Since Diane is the person who turned me on to "The Shield" and "Titus" long before they premiered, I had a George Bluth moment and said, "I've made a terrible mistake."

So when the miniseries plus the first season came out on DVD, I raced through all of them in about a week, and was embarrassed that I'd missed out on such a terrific show for so long. (When I confronted Matt about it, he admitted sheepishly that he really regretted his negative review of the mini, and later expressed that reversal of opinion in print.) Once I got out from under all the fall premieres, I got ahold of all the second season episodes to date, and when given the choice between one of them and most of what's been on the networks, I've chosen "Galactica." I was messing around with a rough draft of my year-end top 10 list today, and I'll be damned if this show didn't keep winding up at or near the top of every version.

It was swell for a while to be able to watch as many episodes as I wanted on whatever schedule I wanted, but now that I've finished with "Pegasus," I'm in the same boat as the rest of the show's fans, having to wait to find out what happens next. (Same thing happened to me with the Harry Potter books; after years of parceling them out slowly, I read the last three in a six-month span and now have no new Potter until J.K. gets around to writing the finale.)

But while I wait for what's surprisingly become my favorite show to return, I have to get back to the rest of the schedule. Back tomorrow with reviews of "Lost," "Veronica Mars," "South Park" and whatever I get to watching tonight. Much as I've been making fun of it -- as does Matt in today's All TV column (the token "Arrested Development" mention is on page 3) -- I have to admit that I'm probably going to check out the stupid "ER" plane crash episode.

Dream On Raiders Fans

Raiders fans have been dreaming of having a receiving corps of Randy Moss and Terrell Owens ever since there were rumors training camp of a possible trade. Those thoughts again danced in the minds of Raiders fans as the enigmatic receiver drew a season-long suspension from the Eagles recently. Think of how wonderful it would be to have both Moss and Owens. Then Kerry Collins would have two receivers to ignore until the game was completely out of reach in the fourth quarter. With Norv Turner's offense genius there would be no way to stop the dream team of Moss and Owens.

Well, except for the fact that Moss does not want to play with Owens.

"With his baggage and everything he's been through, and my baggage and what I've been through, I don't think that would work," Moss said of Owens and him being teammates. "As far as him compared to the league and myself, he don't talk to me, I don't talk to him, so we don't even have a relationship. No communication."

A couple of things here; how far has Owens fallen in the pecking order of the NFL when even Moss is taking shots at him. This is a guy that was dumb enough to admit that he still smokes pot on television, runs over meter maids and even he believes that Owens is a bad guy. When even the most notorious of the inmates believes you are a bad dude, something is wrong.

This also shows Moss' true character and what is really important. Good guy or bad, Owens can play football. Owens will make your team better in the short term. But Moss would not want to sacrifice his own personal statistics for the team to win. Moss is just another Sydney Deane.

Dream on and dive into the Hater Nation forums here. We will not ban you like those kitty kats over at the Raider Forums.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sometimes, I amaze even myself

Another day, another attempt to mention "Arrested Development" in the column for at least an entire week. (Today's column talks about it in context of the ratings for "Prison Break.") So as I'm sitting around, scratching for an excuse to name-check it again, Matt says he just heard that HBO is pushing the premiere of "Deadwood" back to June so that the new Bill Paxton polygamy show "Big Love" can get the post-"Sopranos" timeslot. I call up one of my friends in the "Deadwood" production office, and after we discuss the scheduling move, he says, "You know what you should write in your column? Write that HBO should pick up Arrested Development." Bingo. These things write themselves from time to time.

On to the last couple of nights of TV...

Well praise the lord and pass the ammunition: Rory and Lorelai finally got back together on last night's "Gilmore Girls." Took 'em, what, nine episodes into the season? I'm so glad to be done with The Passion of the Rory that I'm willing to overlook all sorts of awkwardness, like:
  • Rory actually being rewarded for stalking the newspaper editor, when said behavior would have at best gotten her tossed onto the sidewalk by security while the editor told her, "And you can forget about that recommendation." There's a difference between perserverance and simply refusing to accept reality as it is.
  • Lorelai letting Emily off the hook for the many awful things she's done to both herself and Rory in the last season or so.
  • Rory magically getting reinstated at Yale with only a few weeks to go in the fall semester.
  • The reconciliation scene coming together so quickly that, even though we've been waiting months for it, it felt rushed.

But whatever. They're back together, and much like Lorelai, I'm just gonna let all that other water wash under the bridge. (Or is it over the bridge? My cliche dictionary's missing.)

The other big development, and the one that has the message boards filled with screams of shark-jumping, is Luke suddenly having a 12-year-old daughter of his own that he never knew about. On the one hand, I think it's a stupid idea and I'm going to be pissed if Amy uses this as an excuse to bust up Luke and Lorelai for a while just as we got her and Rory back together. On the other hand, I liked the actress playing Mini-Rory, and I thought Scott Patterson was great at both the comedy and emotion of this ridiculous twist, so I'll give it a little rope. A little.

An uneven "The Office." I know Carell's the star and the boss was the main character of the British version, but at this point I think there needs to be a refocusing, because the Jim/Dwight/Pam stuff is by far the highlight of every week, while Michael works best in small doses. Michael's attempt to turn his one-night stand with the boss into something more made me uncomfortable; Jim's mission to maintain Dwight's mistake about the days of the week just made me laugh. Given Carell's movie prospects after "Virgin," I don't know that he'd object to becoming a supporting player if it freed up his schedule for more film work.

On a very special sweeps episode of "House," Lance Armstrong -- or a reasonable facsimile (who used to be on "North Shore") -- comes to the hospital for... something to do with blood transfusions, I think. Marian's a hospital administrator, so when I watch medical shows with her, she's constantly pointing out inaccuracies (I'm sure I'd do the same if someone was ever dumb enough to create a show about a TV critic), and at one point she asked me if I minded the frequent interruptions.

"It's okay," I said. "I don't really pay attention to the medical stuff."

"But the medical stuff is the whole show!" she said.

So after hitting the TiVo's pause button, we got into a discussion of whether the cases in "House" matter at all, or if they're just the MacGuffin, the excuse to hang House's funny lines and fragile emotional state on. I went with the MacGuffin route; she said she likes the medical investigations (not to be confused with this) as much as the character material. What say you?

"Prison Break" edges ever closer to fulfilling its title. I'm disappointed that, one week after the writers felt the need to introduce a Super-Evil Secret Agent to put the two Regular-Evil Secret Agents in their place, they got rid of the guy, but I'm not surprised. With a show like this or "24," killing time is one of the hardest things to do. (Can you say cougar? Or amnesia?) So the writers vamp for a couple of weeks by introducing another bad guy, then throw him down a well when he's not needed anymore. A shame, really, as I felt he was much more legitimately threatening than Kellerman or his sidekick. As for the rest of the episode, T-Bag seems like the obvious one to get dumped from the escape team (again, Abruzzi should have several dozen ways to kill him without exposing their secret), which means I'm sure we'll go in a different direction. Early on, I suggested that the writers might try to really surprise people by taking a page from the "24" season one finale and having Michael escape while Lincoln dies in the attempt. Maybe they've got the onions to do it.

We're running long here, so I'll dispense with "Grey's Anatomy" pretty quickly. I'm surprised the writers didn't follow George's "carpe diem" day to its logical conclusion and have him profess his love to Meredith. Sooner or later, they need to pull a Sam Weir/Cindy Sanders and have the two of them hook up for a few episodes, only to have George realize he's really not that into her. Burke and Cristina's strained date was really funny, and it was weird to see the lead from "American Embassy" as a contemporary of McDreamy and Mrs. McDreamy. On "Embassy," she was playing the Ally McBeal part and was supposed to be in her late 20s at most, but according to IMDb, she's over 40. Huh.

I have nothing more to add, except: "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development," "Arrested Development"...

The Norv Turner Weekly Journal

Rivalry Week 101
By Norv Turner, as told to Lil' Hater.

Hey HaterNation fans! It�s me, Professional NFL Head Coach Norville Turner, and boy am I excited! Woo-hoo!!

Why am I excited, you ask � especially after a demoralizing 31-17 drubbing at the hands of our fierce divisional rival Denver? Is it because we're only a seven-game winning streak away from being in playoff contention? No sireee. Is it because I'm just a few losses away from equaling John McKay�s record for long-term coaching futility? Not a chance. Is it because Wal-Mart has a special on bulk purchases of Stridex medicated pads? Probably not.

The reason I�m all hopped up on goofballs is because it's Rivalry Week. That's right, it's personally a big game for me, Norv Turner, Head Football Coach. I�m taking on the Washington Redskins, the team that gave me my first head-coaching job, but who cruelly and without provocation cut me loose after a mere seven seasons of underachievement. This is my Big Chance to prove to Dan Snyder that I, Norv Turner Head Football Coach, with a career 57-76-1 record, should still be standing on their sidelines in the Burgundy & Gold, instead of some no-name racecar dude with a 135-74 record. This is it, the time for personal grudges to be settled and chapters to be closed, mano-a-mano.

Oh yeah, it might be a big game for the Raiders, too. Whatever.

But anyway, this is a Big Game for me, and as my record shows, they don't call me Big Game Norv for nothing. Just look at the facts, jack. I�m 1-9 in the AFC West the past two seasons. Yep, for every 10 games played against our mortal enemies, I can be counted on to emerge victorious at least one time. Take that, Shanahan. Screw you, Marty. Cry over those numbers, Dick.

This record held up when I was the Redskin�s coach, too. The last seven times we played our No. 1 hated rival, the Dallas Cowboys, we came up short every game. Zero for Seven. But we came close several times, though, which in my humble opinion should have been enough to ensure my job at least another two seasons. So as you can see, if there's any man out there who does a better job of getting his players ready to play big games, I�m not aware of them.

But before I turn my attention to this big game, lets talk about the Denver loss again. Frankly, I was very, very impressed with out fan base on Sunday. They came out in force, broke parole, and pushed our team to within 15 points of victory against Denver.

But most of all, their embrace of defensive end Derrick Burgess really caught my eye. They were chanting his name from the second quarter on, right around the time that Kerry Collins started having problems completing the ball to his teammates. Here's the conversation I had with special teams coach Joe Avezanno right around that time:

"Hey Joe, is the crowd booing us?"

"No way, Norv, they�re saying �Boo-urgess."

"Boo-Urgess! That's great, Joe! We have the best fans anywhere."

So anyway, I�m going to start game planning for my Big Game against Washington in the next couple days, once I catch up watching the last season of 24 on DVD. Man that Kiefer Sutherland can act. Rest assured, I�ll continue to use my proven winning Use-Randy-Moss-Only-as-a-Decoy, Until-We�re-Down-by-More-Than-14 Points Strategy in our plans, as the Raider fans would have it no other way.

Boo-Urgess, Indeed!!


Norv Turner

By the way, I was told to plug a few things before I get out of here. If you did not catch the man, Conrad Bain, earlier this week be sure to check it out. It is a laugh riot. He is a little bit more forgiving to the Raiders than the other fellas that run this site. I am also supposed to endorse the Hater Nation forums right here. I read Steve Bisheff often. Check him out.