Nash, Who's Your Daddy?

The NBA playoffs have finally become compelling and it is not because of a looming Clippers/Lakers showdown in the next round, or Kobe Bryant�s heroics at the end of game 4. Instead it is the complete and utter meltdown of Suns point guard and two-time MVP Steve Nash.

Nash has inexplicably been selected as the league�s most valuable player in each of the past two seasons, but has failed to deliver when it counts the most. It�s hard to imagine a bigger meltdown by a league MVP since, well, you know who.

The Suns meltdown was so pronounced on Sunday, you had to sneak a peak over to the team�s bench to make sure Mike Kryhngbgswawsjiwski wasn�t calling the plays. The Suns were so bad down the stretch, former Duke guard J.J. Manning is already looking for homes in Scottsdale, figuring that his ticket has been punched for Phoenix in the upcoming draft. The Suns come-from-ahead debacle was so explicit, Peyton Manning had to cancel an appearance at a Kenny Chesney concert because it caused too many Vietnam-style flash backs.

Speaking of the Manning family, you have to wonder how far Archie�s seed has reached. The world was shocked to find out that Archie was the father of Duke forward J.J. Manning. What about Nash? There are court documents show that Archie did have a Canadian nanny who disappeared for unknown reasons in 1973. Could it be?

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Burning, flaming love

"The Sopranos," episode eight. From today's review:

Okay, let's all get it out of our systems now, so we can move on:

"What is this, Brokeback Gangsters?"

You probably said or thought some variation on that joke as you saw Vito and Jim the cook/biker/fireman having their idyllic roll in the tall grass. (Either that, or, like me, you saw it as a gay package tour ad.)

The Vito storyline has been a rewarding digression, but the latest chapter started to push the outer edge of the "Sopranos" envelope -- not because of the smooching, but because of the scenes leading up to it.

Dartford already seemed too good to be true -- if Costa Mesa was Purgatory, this is Gay Heaven -- and now it seems even better than that. First there was Jim's fetishized entrance on motorcycle at the house fire and the glamour shot of him with the rescued child. Then there was dialogue so corny you could butter it: "I'm glad you decided to write your book in our little town" and "Sometimes, you tell a lie so long, you don't know when to stop. You don't know when it's safe."

Now, nothing on this show is random. Right before Vito went out for the leather bar adventure that led to his exile, we saw his wife watching Douglas Sirk's 1950s melodrama "Imitation of Life." The movie's story about a black girl passing for white -- plus the Technicolor images and purple dialogue -- made it a gay cinema staple.

Either last night's Dartford scenes were a deliberate homage to Sirk or writers Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider went overboard trying to illustrate how different Vito's new world is from the one he abandoned. There were times where it didn't just feel like a different world, but a different show.

But those occasional missteps didn't take much away from another fascinating episode, one that continued to push this season's themes of identity and change.

To read the rest, including talk of AJ's panic attacks, Tony's craving for smoked turkey and the Don Fanucci homage, click here, then come back to comment.

Drinking queen

Must... resist... urge to declare "The O.C." as fixed.

Yes, the hospital arc continues to be a dead zone. Yes, Marissa continues to sink to new levels of stupidity. (It's one thing if she's with Volchok because she feels she doesn't deserve anyone better, but actually believing that she could make an Eliza Doolitte out of "Kevin"?) Yes, Samaire Armstrong read every line of dialogue as if her jaw had been whacked out of alignment. (Seriously, what happened? Anna used to be one of my favorite characters, and now I cringe every time she opens her mouth.) And yes, when you gussy them up, Ben McKenzie and Navi Rawat look like they should be the faculty chaperones.

So many things wrong, and yet the lead-up to the prom (hell, even some of the Marissa/Volchok scenes) and the prom itself were so funny they felt like they could have been part of season one. Big Korea, drunken Summer, the awkwardness between Ryan and Theresa, Taylor getting heckled, etc., etc., etc.... lots of gold. (About the only missed opportunity was the Lisa Tucker cameo; while I'm sure Fox forced it on them, they could have had a lot more fun with that than just Taylor asking about Simon's t-shirts.) Plus, Seth finally, finally, finally told Summer the truth about Brown, and while the last few weeks of lying annoyed the hell out of me, the payoff was good. (Now, if in the next episode Summer doesn't remember because she was blitzed, I'm gonna be pissed.)

Plus, much as I'm tired of Ryan's life always veering into Broodsville, he's just not as interesting when he's not losing his shit and pummeling somebody every couple of weeks. One of the better recurring stories/themes this season has been the idea that Ryan's not just trouble-prone, but a rageaholic. He wasn't throwing down on Volchok to defend Marissa's honor; he was doing it because he couldn't stop himself.

Last week, I said I wished the show would just be crappy all the time so I could dump it without remorse. But this episode edged so close to vintage "O.C." at times that I feel like, if the writers could just throw Marissa and Volchok off a cliff and forget about Sandy's career, there might really be a show here next season.

A death in the family

I haven't written about it on my own blog because, frankly, I could use a spot for some lightness right now (hopefully, some "O.C." discussion later this weekend, and definitely more "Veronica" talk after people see the episode tomorrow night), but I feel I would be remiss if I didn't mention it at all:

Jennifer Dawson, the wife of my writing partner and close friend Matt Seitz, died suddenly Thursday night. If you know Matt at all, even just by reading his columns or his blog, go over here to read more. I feel like I've told the story enough for the last 36 hours and, frankly, it's not about me. I just wanted to make sure anyone who would care knew.

And, like I said, I could use some distractions in my life right now, so if you just want to talk about TV, don't hesitate to comment in any of the threads going right now.

Update: Matt has posted details about the memorial for Jennifer, which will be held on Thursday afternoon.

The Weak Ender!

We are just mere hours away from one of the most anticipated television events of the season. A time to turn off the phone, shut down the computer, kick the dog off the couch, and prepare for hours of sheer genius.

Yep, the Daytime Emmy Awards are set for Friday night, to be hosted by The Hater Nation favorite, Kelly Monaco.

You didn't think we were talking about the NFL Draft, did you? Monaco or Chris Berman, that isn't even a contest. The NFL Draft is one of the worst television events of the year. It is going to take around two hours to see how badly the Raiders are going to jeopardize the future of the franchise with a misguided selection. Speaking of the Raiders, the sincere hope is that the Raiders are saddled with Vince Young, who tested just above "sea urchin" in his Wonderlic test. The fear is that the Raiders land Matt Leinart. The hope is that Mr. Heisman lands with the Birds down at No. 10. Could you imagine, Leinart apprenticing under future Hall of Fame quarterback Kurt Warner?

Needless to say, we�ll read all about it Sunday morning because there is no way that you can blow a perfect Southern California Saturday watching this nonsense. Seriously. And we love the NFL. But there is no need to apologize that the NFL Draft is the biggest non-event in the history of sports.

• Tampa Bay prospect Delmon Young was suspended for tossing a bat at an umpire during a minor league game. Unfortunately, that umpire was not Doug Eddings. It seems the sporting world is getting a little too worked up over Young tossing a bat at a "scab" umpire. If the only thing the umpire has had tossed at him is a bat, he should consider himself lucky. And speaking of Eddings, the Chicago White Sox return to Anaheim this weekend. Do you think when A.J. Pierzynski's wife catches him cheating, does he just start running away like nothing happened?

• Did the Lakers clinch their open-round series with the Suns the other night? It sure seems like it, listening to local sports talk shows. Bummer about the Clippers on Thursday.

• It looks more and more like Terry is going to be unstoppable in Survivor. At least until he won a brand new Yukon. The person who wins the car challenge almost assuredly will lose the overall contest. It�s a fate worse than being on the cover of Madden football.

AND FINALLY

Charles Woodson signed a deal with the Green Bay Packers. It was a tough decision for Woodson, who also considered signing with Minnesota, Chicago, and Detroit just for the opportunity to catch Brett Favre's interception number 278. Woodson passed up a chance to become the Eric Show of the NFL. That's selfless.

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Mock Draft We'd Like To See

As the names are read off during the NFL Draft on Saturday, Mel Kiper and the boys will expound on the virtues of each player�comparing them to NFL greats. But is that really accurate? The NFL Draft is littered with more bust than star players in recent years.

Three of the first top five picks were busts in 1998�Ryan Leaf (forgot the team), Andre Wadsworth (Cardinals) and Curtis Enis (Bears). Charles Woodson (who went fourth to the Raiders) could be considered a disappointment. The Cowboys selected Greg Ellis at No. 8 and he turned out to be a serviceable player. He wasn�t as good as the guy they had flirted with drafting�Randy Moss (Vikings).

Edgerrin James (Colts), Torry Holt (St. Louis), and Donovan McNabb (Eagles) turned out to be great picks in 1999, not so much for Tim Couch (Browns), Akili Smith (Bengals), Ricky Williams (Saints), and David Boston (Arizona).

The top ten of 2000 produced only one superstar, Brian Urlacher (Bears), against Courtney Brown (Browns), Peter Warrick (Bengals), Tomas Jones (Cardinals), Plaxico Burress (Steelers), and Travis Taylor (Ravens). Although Jones and Burress had good years for teams that did not draft them in 2005.

LaDainian Tomlinson (Chargers) and Richard Seymour (Patriots) were the only two marquee players in the 2001 NFL Draft. That year also had three serviceable starters Mike Vick (Falcons), Justin Smith (Bengals), and Leonard Davis (Cardinals). But it also had a number of busts in Gerard Warren (Browns), Andre Carter (49ers), David Terrell (Bears), Koren Robinson (Seahawks) and Jamal Reynolds (Packers).

The 2002 NFL Draft produced two very good defensive players�Julius Peppers (Panthers) and Roy Williams (Cowboys). But it had three big busts in the top ten headlined by Joey Harrington (Lions).

With that in mind, here is a mock draft of a top ten, with accurate comparisons to consider other than the platitudes given by the ESPN crew. Probably have a better chance of being right, given recent history.

1. Texans: Reggie Bush, RB. Bush will probably make a splashing debut like Ki-Jana Carter.
   
2. Saints: Mario Williams, DE. Some say that a defensive end should go first overall. That worked out well for Aundray Bruce and the Falcons years ago.
3. Titans: Vince Young, QB. Who cares about Wonderlic scores? It didn�t slow down Jeff George. Young is that once-in-a-lifetime athlete, like a dumber version of Kordell Stewart.
4. Jets: D�Brickasaw Ferguson, T. A tackle with the fourth pick. Ask Tom Donahoe about that as he was run out of Buffalo for selecting Mike Williams fourth overall in 2002.
5. Packers: A.J. Hawk, LB. The best haircut on a linebacker since Brian Bosworth. Not sure the Boz would marry a tranny, though.
6. 49ers: Vernon Davis, TE. This Maryland product was really impressive at the combine. Kind of like Derek Brown who the Giants drafted years ago. If you don�t remember him, don�t worry, the Giants are still trying to forget.
7. Raiders: Matt Leinart, QB. Todd Marinovich joke too easy here. Besides, Cade McNown is a more apt comparison.
   
8. Bills: Brodick Bunkley, DT. He will be a star one day�for the Broncos.
9. Lions: Michael Huff, CB. Hey, at least it is not a receiver. Most likely it will be the second coming of Terrell Buckley.
10. Birds: Jay Cutler, QB. Will remind long-time Arizona Cardinals fans of Kelly Stouffer.
    

If you are still watching the NFL Draft past this point, you might just be a loser.

Urine town

This post will only be about "The Office." I may not get a chance to watch "The O.C." and "Earl" until the weekend. Since "Office" isn't really a show you can spoil, I'm going to leave this all on the main page (again, now that I can spoiler-protect posts, let me know if you'd like me to do it with everything, just with some shows, or never).

Last week, I mentioned seeing an advance copy of an an episode that made me feel like "The Office" had finally made The Leap from very good to great. That's next week's show, but last night's was so damn funny that I may have to reassess exactly when The Leap was made. It's been in reruns for so long. Maybe the Christmas episode? Or Booze Cruise? Valentine's Day?

I have a constantly-expanding list of Things That Are Always Funny (Al Pacino with a Cuban accent, Homer Simpson's whiny voice, the books of Carl Hiaasen), and to that I think we can add Rainn Wilson in a goofy hat. Dwight in the sheriff's uniform with the shiny boots was bad enough, but when he put on that Smokey hat, I just about died. And him carrying a coffee cup of his own urine around the office? Jim was right: this was the absolute worst day ever to be silenced by Jinx.

And speaking of which, this may have been my favorite Pam/Jim subplot to date. The pleasure she took in putting him in situations where he couldn't talk was great (though my recollection of the Jinx rules is that she also could have freed him by saying his name, or punching him in the arm once if he spoke on his own ), and his impression of Stanley was dead-on. (I'm assuming Krasinski does impressions of everybody off-camera, and they wrote it in.)

With "Arrested Development" gone, this is now the densest comedy on TV, and I feel like I need to go back and watch it again two or three times to make sure I catch everything. There was another squirm-inducing Angela/Dwight scene (two, actually, if you count the veiled birth control discussion in front of the other accountants), Creed identifying the marijuana by brand (of course, he would know; he's Creed Bratton), Ryan trying to get a job at the urine-testing lab so he can get the hell out of Dunder-Mifflin, and any scene with Kevin. (I've met Brian Baumgartner, and he's a really bright guy; his ability to do that dead-eyed stare is impressive.)

And in the midst of all the goofiness, there was room for some genuine heart that didn't in any way undercut the jokes: notably Dwight's look of disillusionment as he walked to the sheriff's station, and the final look shared between Jim and Pam. Can't say too much about the latter, since I've seen next week's show, but I can't wait to see what the hell Daniels and company try to pull off in the finale two weeks from now.

What did everybody else think?

Survivor: When someone other than Captain America did something

Okay, looks like I got the spoiler protection right on the "VM" post, so let's give it another shot with tonight's "Survivor." Again, if you don't like this arrangement, let me know in the comments.


In today's column, I alluded to Cirie pulling a strategic move that's the best of its kind I've seen since Amazon Rob. At the time, I was working off a preview tape that cut off just as the votes were being cast, so I wasn't sure if she had pulled it off. Knowing that she had, I have to direct some major applause in the direction of our resident sufferer of Phyllophobia. Because, damn.

She still may not win, but there was no way she was going to win if she hadn't engineered Courtney's boot. Terry, who right now looks like the most obvious candidate to win the final 3 challenge, wanted to bring Courtney before the jury. So did Shane, who until now had been calling all the shots about who stayed and who goes. By eliminating Courtney, Cirie has made the F2 choice much more of a toss-up, she's gained the eternal gratitude (and potential votes) of Danielle and Aras by saving each of them from a potential boot at the hands of either Shane or Terry, and now she may be in the power position in her alliance. Unless there's a purely mental immunity challenge between now and the end, Cirie's not going to be able to count on having that necklace, so now her only path to victory is by eliminating anyone who the final three winner might want to face more than her.

The downside, of course, is that after more than a month (in game-time) of getting along by going along, she has now revealed herself to be a puppet-master of the first order. (To the players, not to us; anyone who watched her talk Melinda and Ruth Marie into keeping her and getting rid of Tina knows the woman has some serious mental game.) The fact that Danielle and Aras owe her so big makes her a less appealing final two competitor, and on the flip side, she's definitely cost herself Courtney's vote. So if she's up against, say, Terry, she's probably already lost (Austin, Sally and Bruce seem firmly in Terry's pocket, though I could be wrong). No one has even though of voting against Cirie since the night Melinda went home, but when you pull the wool over two of the power players, you no longer get to fly under the radar.

Still, Bravo. At this point, she needs to pray that Terry loses the next challenge so they can force him to cough up the idol, then stick close to Aras and pray he can beat Terry in the final challenge.

Good to see the return of Bruce, though he still looked a little green around the gills on that jury bench. (Or maybe he just suffers in comparison to Austin, who now looks like a catalog model after a week of bed rest and grooming.) Oh, and Shane? Greg Buis called; he wants his coconut phone gimmick back.

What did everybody else think?

Veronica Mars: "Look Who's Stalking"

This post will be about "Veronica Mars" and nothing but "Veronica Mars." If I've done this right, then all my actual discussion of the episode will be on a separate page, which I'm trying out due to the weird air schedule this week. Given that everyone watches TV on a different schedule, let me know in the comments whether you'd like me to do this with all the posts about current TV. Anyway, once more unto the breach, with spoiler protection:

So, I don't know that I owe Rob an apology, but I definitely feel better about The Gutte's role in the grand scheme of things after watching this episode. By making Woody's potential guilt such an in-your-face part of the hour, Rob and company have done one of two things: either Woody is yet another red herring or he is the bad guy and they're not going for some cheap, contrived "Gotcha!" in episode 22. If Woody really did it, I'm okay with that, because at least it won't feel like the writers are deluding themselves about pulling one over on the audience.

I'm leaning towards red herring myself, though. My current theory: Woody has a history of molesting boys, including Beaver and Lucky, and Lucky was stalking the Goodman kids as revenge for that, not for the bus crash. But I could be way, waaaaayyy off. We'll see. And even if I'm right, I have no idea how or if that would tie into the crash. Will we wind up looping back to Aaron as the big bad for two seasons in a row? I have a sinking feeling that he's going to somehow go free altogether, even on the attempted murder of Veronica and Keith, and we could have one of those "The Wire" situations where season three is devoted to finally putting away the villain of season one. Hmmm....

I haven't looked at any message boards yet, but I'm guessing the bulk of the fans are a lot more interested in the events of Alterna-Prom than they are in any clues about the crash. Again, I'm not a 'shipper, but when Bell and Dohring play a scene together like that almost-kiss, even I was on the verge of screaming, "Kiss him, you fool!" On the other hand, wasn't crazy about the scene at the door the next morning, not because I don't buy Logan wouldn't call Kendall over for a drunken quickie, but because that whole set-up (half-naked guy blocking the doorway as his love interest proclaims her devotion, followed by the awkward reveal) is such a movie and TV cliche that the only way the scene would have worked was if Veronica made a snarky comment about how embarrassing it is to go through such a scene.

(Also, my favorite Alterna-Prom moment may have been Veronica finally getting the bitchy upper hand with Madison. I hope that girl suffers far worse before the season ends.)

So, two episodes to go, a murder trial to be staged and a mass murder still to be solved. I know this season has meandered a lot, but now I'm very psyched about the conclusion, whatever it turns out to be.

NFL Is Coming Back to LA

The league is serious this time! And football fans are seriously deluded if they think that this is either a good thing, or that it will even happen at all. But you can�t blame the fans for being a little misguided.

The local papers are still reporting on the fantasy that the NFL is going to pay $800M to build a stadium in Los Angeles or Anaheim. The thought that the NFL needs the Southern California market for television negotiations has long since passed, but its fun to play along.

The local papers have said that the NFL Stadium Fairy is going to grant a stadium in time for the 2010 season. Okay, sure. But please dispel any notion that the league will give Southern California an expansion team. It won�t happen. An expansion team would give the league 33 teams�a logistical nightmare that occurred when the league was uneven prior to the Houston Texans arrival.

What about two expansion teams? Sure. NFL owners don�t want to split its revenues with one more team, so they would love to give up two more pieces of the pie along with the Southern California market. So that is not happening. (And really, who has $1B kicking around for the expectant expansion fee?)

So it will be an existing team moving to Southern California. But what team has a lousy lease with an out in 2010?

The Oakland Raiders.

The team that ushered in the era of free-agent franchises holding cities hostage for new stadium deals will be that team who will take that brand new $800M stadium.

Yeah, keep dreaming.


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You read it here first

Blog as column idea incubator, take 26: today's column about Terry, Shane, Cirie and the rest of the wacky folks on "Survivor: Bizarro Island."

Drama-rama

(Testing out my new attempt at spoiler protection, this morning's entry, in order, will include "Idol" results, "Gilmore Girls" and "Scrubs.")

Well, call me a minx and slide me over a plate of sal-mon and calamari, because I never would have guessed Kellie Pickler could go from bulletproof to gone so quickly on "American Idol." Yesterday, I boasted "I have no doubt it's going to be one of" Kat or Paris going home, and while Paris had another scare, Kat was in the top two, while the Pickle, who had never even been in the bottom three, got kicked off so fast she couldn't even sing a farewell.

(Probably for the best. I don't think anybody wanted to suffer through her "Unchained Melody" again, and the bit where she said she wouldn't be on TV much longer because a commercial was coming up was the most authentically charming thing she's said in a while. Or maybe I'm just going easier on her now that she's gone.)

So what went wrong with my "better to suck than to be mediocre" theory? It usually stops being effective around final four or final three, when the gap between the genuinely talented singers and the ones getting by on personality becomes so obvious that the audience at large overwhelms the crazy fanbases. There was a talent gap between Pickler and everybody else so wide Robbie Knievel would break both legs trying to jump it, not to mention she gave two absolutely horrific performances in a row. The pity vote will save you one week, but when you're hideous back to back...

...ahhh, what the hell do I know? If that was the case, John Stevens wouldn't have lasted remotely as long as he did. Let's stop trying to analyze Pickler's demise and just enjoy it. Next week's theme is a twofer: Songs from the Year You Were Born and Songs From This Week's Billboard Top 10 Lists. Open-ended themes generally lead to boring shows, but with the deepest final five we've ever had, maybe we'll finally, finally, finally get the damn goosebump performance I've been whining about for weeks.

(And speaking of which, either in the comments for this thread or yesterday's "Idol" thread, anyone who wants to suggest their all-time favorite "Idol" performances, have at it. I'm finally writing up the goosebumps theory for a column next week, and I want to be able to cite some classic performances beyond the obvious ones like Kelly's "Stuff Like That There," Clay's "Solitaire," Fantasia's "Summertime," Bo's "Whipping Post," etc.)

Moving on from the show we all dislike and yet are obsessed by, let's get back to some of the Tuesday shows I missed, starting with "Gilmore Girls." While the episode was written by new showrunner/crazy person David Rosenthal, I'm not sure how well it serves as a barometer for what next season will be like. When you have obsessive/prolific showrunners like Amy and Daniel, or Milch, or Sorkin or David Kelley, it doesn't really matter whose name is on the script, because by the time the showrunner has taken a few passes through it, theirs is the only voice you hear.

A good episode in some ways, not so good in others. The opening scene with Sookie and a hungover Lorelai was damn funny, particularly the recreation of Lorelai's drunk "Next Top Model" audition video. ("I didn't come here to make friends!") And for the first time ever, Luke gave a reason for not wanting April and Lorelai to spend time together that actually sounded plausible (his fear that April would prefer Lorelai to him), but way too late in this stupid storyline to please me. Sherilyn Fenn's reasoning was also good, but again, I just hate everything about this subplot -- except April herself, who wouldn't be a bad addition to the show if she wasn't being used as such a lame obstacle for the wedding -- that I don't even care when people make sense about it.

Or maybe I'm having a hard time getting the big honkin' spoiler in the middle of the Ausiello interview interview with the Palladinos. (Michael does good work, but simply putting in the words "Spoiler Alert" and immediately following them with a ginormous spoiler doesn't work; the eyes can't always just slam on the breaks like that.) If it's true, then I'm doubly pissed: both that Amy and Daniel would try such a stupid, soapy plot twist, and that they would blow up the show and then leave someone else to pick up the pieces. (When Sorkin left "West Wing," you at least knew he was trying to fuck over his replacements.)

Over in Rory-ville, the Paris phone call to the doctor wasn't believable, but I laughed, anyway, and I liked Rory's angry call to Mitchum and his silent entrance to the hospital. We all bag on Alexis Bledel, and rightfully so, but she's a decent dramatic actress; it's really the comedy where she falls down, especially when she's not working with Lauren Graham.

And speaking of the age-old interchange of comedy and tragedy, we have the darkest "Scrubs" since Brendan Fraser died, if not ever. Lord, McGinley is good at this stuff, but I'm afraid Cox's shame spiral is going to get so bad that it could turn into a comedy black hole for the next few episodes.

Or maybe not. In the same episode where Nicole Sullivan finally bit it and Cox was getting ready to throw himself off a cliff, we also had the first-ever Todd-centric B-story. Just last week, there was discussion here about whether The Todd was a virgin or gay, and now we know that he's... neither? I think? Really, I'm appalled by the whole thing -- which I think was the point. Though much as I love The Todd and his banana hammocks, the funniest thing in the whole episode was The Janitor's chiropracting career; Donald Faison sold Turk's fear and pain so well that I hurt laughing at it.

Allegedly, I'll be getting a copy of "Veronica Mars" this morning, and I'll spoiler-protect my review somehow for the benefit of people waiting for the Sunday airing because of basketball pre-emptions. To answer a question I've been getting a lot in e-mails: no, I don't think this is going to affect the show's future. In talking to people who will be involved at the CW, they're paying little to no attention to ratings for the UPN shows since the merger was announced, since the soon-to-be-former UPN affiliates are doing anything and everything they can to make the product damaged goods for the CW (i.e., basketball pre-emptions). If the CW winds up having just mind-boggling development, then maybe "Veronica" doesn't come back, but I still feel pretty confident about the start of a third season. (Now, whether it makes it all the way through a third season, or even to November sweeps...)

Believe it or not

Today's open question, inspired by William Katt's appearance on "House" last night (and a good episode, both with the House vs. God running tally and House and Wilson's dueling psychoanlysis of each other, not to mention Hugh Laurie's delivery of "They can't argue with the mark of Cane."):

What TV show do you have fond memories of primarily because of the theme song? The seemingly obvious answer for me would be "The Greatest American Hero," but I mainly wanted an excuse to run that picture, and while I love the Joey Scarbury theme song so much I used it as Julia's lullaby for the first year of her life (and because it inspired the greatest answering machine greeting of all time), that show was about more than a catchy/cheesey ditty. The interplay between Katt and Robert Culp was always funny, and like so many of the movies and shows cited in this thread, it worked as both an action/superhero spoof and a decent action/superhero show.

So my pick would be the very short-lived remake of "Route 66" from the summer of '93. I can barely tell you anything about the show itself, save that it was from the days when Dan Cortese was a rising star, but damn if the theme song, Warren Zevon's "If You Won't Leave Me I'll Find Somebody Who Will" wasn't 40 seconds of pure ironic bliss. I literally tuned in every week just to hear that song, and it made me so happy that I stuck around for the rest of the hour.

So what's your favorite watched-it-for-the-theme-song show?

Hey, did you hear that Eko?

In lieu of commentary on all those shows I haven't seen yet, I give you my long-delayed (mainly because there hasn't been an episode to prominently feature him since January) interview with Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje:

Any conversation with Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje begins with his names. Not just his triple-decker moniker in real life, which he will helpfully sing to you so you can learn to pronounce it (it's "Ah-day-wah-lay Ah-kin-noy-yay Ahg-bah-zhay"), but the name of Mr. Eko, the stick-swinging pacifist he plays on "Lost" (9 p.m., Ch. 7).

When the "Lost" producers approached the "Oz" alumnus about becoming the series' newest castaway, they didn't have much of a character in mind, and the name they wanted to use was Emeka. As Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who was born and raised in London but has occasionally lived in his mother's native Nigeria, explained to them, Emeka is a name common among a different Nigerian clan from the one his family belongs to. So he proposed Eleko, which translates roughly as "Lord of Lagos." After trimming it down to Eko, he suggested that people refer to him as "Mr. Eko."

"And they objected," he recalls. "They said, 'Nobody has a title on this island,' and I said, 'That's precisely the reason we should do this, to create that.' They wanted the character to be very mysterious, and I said, 'You have that tool to implant whatever you want into the mystery.'"

And with that one decision, Akinnuoye-Agbaje created one of the great character names in TV history (up there with Emma Peel and Napoleon Solo), and a fitting one for arguably the most intriguing man on the "Lost" island.

For the rest, click here.

Kobe Changes Jersey Numbers

Kobe Bryant, no longer the hot spokesman he was before his incident in Colorado, will change his jersey number from 8 to 24 next season. Bryant will switch to �24� to advertise for the FOX show by the same name and hopefully gain a positive rub from the good reputation of the Kiefer Sutherland vehicle.

Bryant announced he also will be changing his name next season, too. When pressed for an answer, Bryant said, �My new name is Earl.�

No word on if he will grow a mustache.

Say It Ain't So!

Found this story on Sports By Brooks.

Matt Leinart (left) is just another delusional Raiders fan. If he wasn�t a soon-to-be NFL quarterback, he would be face painting, spiked shoulder pad wearing, Chargers-fan-stabbing Raiders fanatic.

Leinart, in his online journal, admitted that as much. He also said that Raiders owner Al Davis compared him favorably to Ken Stabler during the former USC quarterback�s recent visit to the Raiders facilities.

He should be thankful a senile Davis didn�t call him Todd.

Leinart went on to say that Davis is a legend. Yeah, so is Lyle Menendez. Leinart said that Davis was extremely smart. He�s got a point. Think of all of the money Davis saves on printing cost by not changing the Raiders playbook over the past 30 years. And you know will never have to pay for any expensive championship rings in the future.

Leinart also noted that it was Davis was really the guy who started the NFL. Jesus kid, you�ve got the job. If Leinart does fall to the Raiders, the organization won�t have to waste its time trying to get this guy to buy into the Raiders mystique.

Really disappointed in the Huntington Beach native.



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Nothing to see here

Just FYI, due to various circumstances beyond my control, the only Tuesday TV I've gotten to was "American Idol." No "Gilmore Girls," no "Veronica Mars," no "Scrubs," no "House." I hope to get to all but "Veronica" tonight, but please save your comments on any of them until after I weigh in.

Could you ever really love these women?

My daughter's been having some sleep issues the last couple of nights, and I spent a good 45 minutes to an hour in her bedroom tonight sitting silently as she moaned from the crib about not wanting to go to bed. Finally, Marian relieved me and I went down to watch "American Idol" -- where I spent most of the hour wishing I was back upstairs.

Shouldn't the show be getting better as we winnow out the weaker performers? On the one hand, I suppose I'm pleased I finally got the trainwreck I've been asking for for weeks, or at least half a trainwreck. But at this stage, I'd rather be dazzled than appalled, and between the theme and some crappy song selection within it, way too much ugliness. In order (and after the singer and song title, I'll be sure to list their alleged celebrity supporter -- or, at least, the celebrity the director cut to right after that performance):

Katharine McPhee, "I Have Nothing Except Sasha Cohen": Why, Katharine? Why? Why would you do this? There are exactly two singers in the history of this show who have sung Whitney and not come off looking like a fool. One was Tamyra, who actually had the chops to pull off a straight cover; the other was Fantasia, who had the charisma and savvy to change the song up to fit her. Kat doesn't have Tamyra's pipes or Fantasia's inner funk, so what we were left with was a very pretty girl in a very low-cut dress being overwhelmed by a song tailored to one of the great oversingers of our time. She deserved every second of that pile-on by the judges -- and, frankly, she should be grateful for it, because the only thing that could save her is the sympathy vote. (More later.)

Elliot Yamin, "A Song For You and Kevin Nealon": I've been asking for a goosebump-inducing performance for weeks, and this is the closest we've come since Mandisa on '50s Night. Great song, great voice, great arrangement (as we all know by now, Randy has a pathology about needing to hear note-for-note copies sung by contestants beating their respective gimmick into the ground, so he can STFU here), real emotion, just about perfect. And yet I didn't feel the goosebumps. Not sure why, other than that Elliot, for all his vocal genius, doesn't have the stage presence of a Kelly or a Fantasia. But close your eyes, and that was pretty f'ing great.

Kellie Pickler, "Sela Ward's Unchained Melody": Never has a guest vocal coach's commentary been more prophetic than David Foster (who was great all night) saying that if you sing this without passion, it's the most boring song ever written. And if ever there was an "Idol" finalist with a passion gap, it's Pickler. (Well, Carrie's version would've put me to sleep, too.) Couple the Sominex effect with her continued effort to invent new vowels, plus a deliberate sabotage attempt by the hair and makeup people (Pickler's not a supermodel, but she's a much prettier girl than they made her into here), and you have as big a mess in its own way as Kat's opener. Not that she's going home, but if she's not bottom three this week, you know she's winning it all, whether the producers like it or not (more on that in a minute).

Paris Bennett, "The Way We and Joely Fisher Were": She didn't take Foster's advice about starting softly, and pretty much bull-dozed her way through the whole song. Still, if there's someone in this field who can get away with that, it's Paris. I hate Streisand and I hate this song, but I enjoyed this. On the other hand, when you take her audience disconnect and then add some of the most lukewarm praise I've ever heard from the judges (some of it inspired by Simon's tantrum over being cut off while tearing Pickler a new one), and you have the set-up for one of those quintessential "shocking" boots. Say it long, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud... No, wait, that's not it. Say it again: On "Idol," it's better to suck than to be middle of the pack.

Taylor Hicks, "Just Once, I'd Like to Graduate with Tori Spelling": Geez, maybe he should go back to the stupid dancing. There were spots in here where his voice sounded great, but not enough of them. There has to be a happy medium between him looking terrified while standing rigid at the mike and him bouncing around like a Ritalin case, and the only time he's really hit it was with "Living for the City" on Stevie Wonder Night. He really seems to have peaked and is now coasting on an obsessive fan base's love.

Chris Daughtry, "Have You (and only you, and no Special Celebrity Fan) Ever Really Loved a Woman?": For a split-second, I thought I heard Chris say he was going to sing "Have You Ever Loved a Woman" by Derek and the Dominos, which would have been awesome in just about every way (great song, and anguished enough to merit Chris' usual Hillside Strangler intensity). Instead, he sings a cheery little ditty from "Don Juan DeMarco." Sigh... So let's see: Chris gets bottom two last week, and this week he not only gets to go last again (the first finalist to do so), but he gets another elaborate production number like on "Higher Ground," and another tongue-bath from the judges that's several degrees above a very solid but not spectacular performance... ya think they want him to win? There are a lot of things I like about Chris. He has a much better voice than you would think, given his influences and usual singing style. He is the only contestant who consistently carries himself on stage like a professional capable of being on the radio and MTV tomorrow. He has charisma to burn. But the type of music he likes to sing and that come-hither-so-I-can-kill-you look bores me after a while. When his coronation is complete, I think he'll be one of the more deserving winners, and I'll feel bad that he'll be stuck with this year's crap-ass ballad, but at this point I think I'm pulling for Elliot, who seems like the only one left capable of making me want to download his performance and put it into heavy iPod rotation.

Sorry, I'm rambling. To sum up:

Should go home: Either of Kat or Pickler, and preferably Pickler, since she's been awful for so long and since at least Kat has the potential to tramp it up next week if she survives.

Will go home: Kat or Paris. I have no doubt it's going to be one of those two, and I suspect it's going to be the latter, not the former.

What did everybody else think?

This Town Loves Winners

The Clip Show is really starting to capture the imagination of Southern California as it opened up a 2-0 lead over Denver in its best of seven playoff series. The Clippers were so impressive last night, they forced Orange County Register columnist Steve Bisheff to flip-flop on his assessment of the team. But the Bish went a little overboard.

Bisheff said last week that he would not be surprised if the Clippers reverted back to its losing ways against Denver. Bisheff reiterated that point on Sunday when he said that the Clippers win in Game 1 proved that the team was not ready to be a player in the playoffs. (Don�t look for it online, however, the sports editor has protected his boy by removing that column�much like it covered up his Tom Watkins mistake.)

Now the Bish today has compared the Clippers to George Mason, said it was �hip to Clip,� and to �Eat your heart out Lakers.� It is this kind of reactionary drivel that makes Bisheff really special as he serves as conductor on the Clippers Bandwagon.

Let�s get one thing perfectly clear about the Clippers�they ain't close to taking over Southern California. Not by a long shot. The Lakers are the most popular team in the region. Clippers fans are made up of about 5 percent hardcore fans (all 19,000 of them showed up at Staples Center for the first two games). The rest are Lakers fans who consider the Clippers their JV team or East Coast transplants who can�t root for the Lakers.

The Clippers are currently the passing fancy of area sports fans, and the toast of the town�kind of like the Bruins basketball team was a few weeks ago. But now Kohl�s is selling UCLA Final Four gear at 75 percent off. So its time for the real Clippers fans to enjoy their moment in the sun and for bald-headed columnists to find different tired angles to beat into the ground.

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"TELL ME WHERE MY DAD IS!!!!!!!!!"

A so-so night for the Fox Monday thrillers. Not sure I have anything to say about "Prison Break," which needs to figuratively slap me across the face to get my attention again. It's competent wheel-spinning, but that's all it is right now.

"24" was better and I especially liked the scene where William Devane apparently committed suicide to foil Henderson's plan (I say "apparently" because you know the writers are going to be short on inspiration a few weeks from now and one of them will say "Did we show a body?"). But for me, the highlight was the realization that Paul McCrane had been hired as the leader of the latest evil cabal. Paul McCrane and Peter Weller involved in the same conspiracy? At what point will Kurtwood Smith pop up holding a machine gun? Will Nancy Allen become the new new new new head of CTU? And does the season end with Jack tossing McCrane into a toxic waste vat?

I still have a hard time warming in any way to Audrey, but at least I'm thankful that Jack's stupid decision to leave her in a room with Henderson didn't lead to another Henderson escape. At the very least, he should've double-kneecapped the guy before heading to the airport.

Gearing up for Silly Love Songs Night on "Idol," or whatever they're calling. "Veronica Mars" is again being pre-empted by a Nets game, and I won't have a copy in hand until Thursday morning, unless I can find a good download somewhere. (Not that I would ever illegally download a show. Never. Never.)

The Bush White House

This is the home that threatens to bring down the USC football program. So much for that gated mansion. As noted on this site yesterday, this is just your average tract house in Southern California. Now people are clinging to the hope that the Griffins (Bush�s parents) did not pay fair market value on this home.

As if beating USC on the field is not an option.

The Pac-10 will continue to look into this matter, but does anybody else get the feeling that the investigation is going to turn out like the Dean�s inquiry of Thornton Mellon in the movie, Back to School? In fact, maybe they could get Ned Beatty to reprise his role of Dean Martin and head up the Pac-10�s investigation. He would have this thing solved in a minute.

Dean Martin: Mr. Griffin, I am only going to ask you once�did you pay full market value for that house?
Mr Griffin: I can�t lie to you Dean Martin�Yes I did!
Dean Martin: I�m satisfied.

And then it would be done.

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How he met a hooker

A "How I Met Your Mother"-only post this morning; I'll try to hit the Fox dramas later today.

Hands up, anyone who actually thought Mary was a hooker when she first appeared. Now, hands up, anyone who didn't believe it at first but started to at any point in the episode (for me, it was in the elevator with the "not for all the money" feint). Now, hands up, anyone who even for a second believed that Ted would get to have sex with Mary, ho or no ho?

Funny episode with lots of good running gags: "You've been lawyered" (I like that they didn't even bother to set that up, just put it in as something Marshall and Barney have started doing), the telepathic communications, the parody of the NY1 anchor who really does read the paper on TV, Alexis Denisof's hair, the vampire kung fu movie host.... everything was clicking. On the other hand, I think it would have been funny if Ted's revenge on Barney went beyond the credit card thing and involved him actually managing to have sex with Mary, after all.

And hands up, everybody who told me I was being naive (like Kay Adams) for thinking Ted/Robin was over with. You all owe yourselves a beer.

Bears Fight Club

Imagine you just signed a lucrative NFL contract that will pay you $21M over five years. Where would you go to celebrate? Las Vegas, New York City, maybe South Beach?

How about a Westwood Denny's? And how about not only going to Denny's, but also starting a fight?

That is what happened to NFL defensive back Ricky Manning Jr. who was arrested on suspicion of assault early Sunday after slugging a drunk college guy at a Denny�s near the UCLA campus. (Odds are, with a name like Manning, he probably choked the alleged victim.)

Manning recently signed an offer sheet to with the Chicago Bears. That makes sense. Maybe Manning was just trying to fit in with his Bears teammates. You may recall that tackle Fred Miller missed some time last season after he was punched out by center Olin Kruetz at an FBI shooting range. Obviously there is just one rule about joining the Bears organization�don�t talk about joining the Bears organization.

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Our House

There is something about being a Bush and being in the middle of a controversy. President George Bush may have lied that Iraq housed weapons of mass destruction. Reggie Bush is now having to answer questions about who owned the San Diego home that housed his family during the 2005 season. It is reported that a sports agent provided the house for Bush�s family, a revelation that could destroy the USC football program.

The Pac-10 is looking into allegations that a sports rep, Michael Michaels, provided the house to the Bush family in hopes to land the Heisman Trophy winner as a client. Hopefully Michaels was more creative with his book-keeping than his parents were at selecting a name.

It is hard to see what the big hubbub is. Bush�s family went from an apartment to a $757,000-home. The national media is reporting that the house is a mansion. Residents of Southern California view a $757,000-home as a �starter.� A fixer-upper if you will.

If anything, the only violation might be Title-IX infraction. Look for USC to arrange for a sports agent to provide a house of equal value to an USC womens athlete.

Don't look for this to hurt Bush's approval ratings with NFL scouts. Besides, come Saturday, he'll have enough money to buy his family a real mansion.

• Congratulations to Giants slugger Barry Bonds who finally muscled a home run at the hitter-friendly Coors Field on Saturday. Forget the chase for Babe Ruth, Bonds is only one homer away from catching Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo.

• Add Nick Swisher to the list of most hate-able athletes. How is it that the Oakland A�s overhaul its roster each season, yet every player still looks the same?

• The Clippers win! It�s funny that people continue to push Kobe Bryant for league MVP when he might not even be the most valuable player of Staples Center. Elton Brand�s block in the waning seconds secured the Clippers victory even after the club attempted to gag it away.

• It is hard to figure out why columnists such as Steve Bisheff continue to belittle the Clippers during the playoff run. But the Bish was the same guy who said that the Angels didn�t have a shot in the 2002 playoffs. Maybe he should stick to writing about Pete Carroll�s footwear.
  

• Kobe wasn�t enough of a ball-hog for the Lakers to win on Sunday.

• LeBron James made his playoff debut with a triple double (32-11-11). If Alex Rodriguez was a basketball player, he would be the exact opposite of LeBron James.

• Tom Petty?

AND FINALLY

Keith Hernandez was a little pushy to get with Elaine during his cameo appearances on Seinfeld. So it should come as no surprise that the Mets broadcaster took umbrage with the San Diego Padres having a female trainer in their dugout.

"I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout," Hernandez said.

Hernandez, a former Mets first baseman, then laughed and said: "You know I am only teasing. I love you gals out there -- always have."

Sure. You had better take a look at that third base coach, Keith. He is not waving you in.

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Il returno de Sam Seaborn

When Rob Lowe left "The West Wing" in a fit of pique over lack of money/screen time/respect/whatever, all I could think was what a foolish egomaniac he was. Lowe may have been the big star coming into the series, but by the time he left, he was clearly behind Sheen and Spenser and Schiff and Janney and Whitford in terms of most important/beloved regular. And when he signed on to one embarrassing flop after another, I felt secure in my belief that he had grossly overestimated his value, both to "West Wing" and in general.

It helped that his exit coincided with the period when Sorkin was going completely off the rails, followed quickly by the awful transition to the Wells era. So for the last three and a half years, I never doubted my theory.

Then Lowe/Sam came back last night, and I realized how much I had missed him. No, he may not have been as essential as Jed or Leo or CJ, but the show really did lose something when that stammering Boy Scout left to... um... why the hell did he leave, anyway? When they did the election storyline, it was said repeatedly that if Sam lost the race, he'd get his job back. He lost, yet he never came back, and there wasn't even any discussion of that in the reunion with Josh. (I'll give them a pass on that, just for the call-back to the best scene in "In the Shadow of Two Gunmen.")

With Sorkin long gone and without a three-year transition to get used to hearing other people's words coming out of his mouth, Sam didn't seem quite like Sam last night -- as the show's token idealist, I think he'd leap at the offer -- but Lowe and Brad Whitford settled back nicely into their old rhythms. And deputy chief of staff is a much more plausible idea than vice-president. (And, speaking of which, I'll believe they're going to make Vinick the VP -- suggestive promo or no suggestive promo -- when he actually gets confirmed in an episode.) Still would have liked some kind of explanation for why he stayed away after the election fiasco, but good to have him back for a few weeks at the end.

Other than Sam, kind of a blah episode -- though, of course, I'm not a Josh/Donna 'shipper, and this was mainly throwing them one last bone. The surprise reveal about Bartlet and Santos playing good cop/bad cop felt forced -- even if Santos had kept it from Josh (because somehow, after all this time, they still don't trust each other), no way Jed doesn't tell C.J. -- and I've never cared much, if at all, about Mrs. Santos. (On the plus side, the writers did find a plausible way for Josh and Donna to both have White House jobs and still date.)

So, only three more episodes ever. Weird. I hope they can at least hit the last one out of the park.

Think fast, Bacall!

"The Sopranos," episode seven. The opening of today's review:

My thought process while watching "Luxury Lounge" went something like this:

"An entire episode about Artie? Did they learn nothing from season four?"

"Hey, maybe they did. This isn't bad."

"Holy (bleep), did Christopher just punch Lauren Bacall in the face?"

Yes, "Luxury Lounge" spent most of its attention on the one character who historically gets less respect (from fans and wiseguys) than Bacala. Yes, it was fairly slow and quiet. No, it didn't move any of the season's major storylines forward much, if at all.

To put it in Artie's language, the first six episodes of this season were like that buffet at Da Giovanni: one amazing dish after the next, always something to savor and chew on and analyze exactly what the ingredients are. An all-Artie episode could have been a pit stop at Arby's for a roast beef, but it was better than that. Not the bountiful feast of the season so far, but a tasty side salad to let the stomach rest before the next course.

To read the rest, click here. Then come back to comment.

"Get your own women!"

Inspired by the popularity of the Things You Think Nobody Loves But You thread, here's a spin-off: what's your favorite unsuccessful work by an otherwise popular actor/writer/director/musician?

For me, it has to be Bill Murray's "Quick Change," a bank heist comedy which came and went from theaters in about two weeks in the summer of 1990. Co-directed by Bill and starring him, Geena Davis, Randy Quaid and an all-star roster of Hey It's That Guy!s, including Jason Robards as the police chief (and the man on the receiving end of the quote in the subject line), Bob Elliott as a braggart security guard, Phillip Bosco as a bus driver who's serious about the exact change rule, Tony Shalhoub as a cabbie of unknown ethnic origin, Stanley Tucci as a wiseguy, Phil Hartman as a gun-toting yuppie and too many others to name (I think Kurtwood Smith pops up at one point), it works as both a hilarious caper movie and satire of what a pit New York was at the time. Basically, the robbery is easy; getting out of town with the cash is the hard part, as Bill, Geena and Randy run into trouble a mugger, the fire department, city utility workers, the MTA and, in my personal favorite scene, a pair of Latino men jousting on bicycles. (Quaid: "It's bad luck just seeing a thing like that!")

It's not as funny or as deep as "Groundhog Day," but I'll put it up against any of Bill's other comedies, and that includes "Stripes," "Meatballs" and "Ghostbusters."

I now open the floor for other nominations (in any medium you like) and explanations.

Zach attack

Some unfinished business in today's paper: I finally got a chance to write up the interview I did with Zach Braff and Bill Lawrence when I was at press tour in January.

It was the best week of Zach Braff's life. Then came the clown suit.

It was January 2004, and the South Orange native had just spent a dizzying few days in Park City, Utah, where his feature directorial debut, "Garden State," was the talk of the Sundance festival. So when he returned to his day job playing bumbling Dr. John "J.D." Dorian on NBC's "Scrubs," his producer Bill Lawrence decided to remind his star who was in charge.

'I was at Sundance feeling very proud of myself," Braff recalls on a warm January evening at the Ritz-Carlton in Pasadena. "And I come back, and the first thing up for me to do at 'Scrubs' is to be in a full clown suit having children hit me with balloons."

"And Neil Flynn do what to your face?" Lawrence reminds him, reveling in the memory.

"Spray seltzer water in my face," says Braff. "And that was my welcome back. There wasn't any time for me to come back and say, 'Oh, sorry, this is my Sundance jacket. Let me just take it off'."

"And the great thing about Zach," says former Moorestown resident Lawrence, "is, not only did he do the scene, he got the joke and went with it and it endeared him to everybody."

It wasn't as if the clown suit was the first public humiliation Lawrence subjected Braff to -- nor would it be the last. Since the series began in 2001, Lawrence has taken enormous pleasure in putting his leading man into every embarrassing costume, location and situation he can think of, whether he's parading around in a speedo despite a physique that Braff says "looks a little like a melted pear" or professing his love for best friend Chris Turk in increasingly disturbing ways (sample dialogue: "Don't listen to her, Brown Bear! Your body is fierce! Like Taye Diggs!").

"I'll say, 'You know, filming what you're asking me to be in will be extremely awkward and embarrassing,'" says Braff, "and he'll look at me and applaud."

You can read the full profile here.

The Weak Ender!

Chargers Girls! Foo Fighters! Arnold! And More�

The NBA Playoffs Are Too Short. Seriously. Who doesn�t want to see the Spurs and Kings series stretched out to 11 games? Think of the ratings. Think of the ticket revenue! The NBA should abolish the regular season and just have continuous playoffs. Kind of like the Davis Cup in Tennis. Or the Stanley Cup playoffs in hockey.

Obviously the league can�t stage a single-elimination tournament because the team would lose out on television and gate receipts. But then the NBA would be something it has been in a number of years�compelling. But go back to the best-of-five first round. Please.

• The Sports Dork knows about as much about music as he does sports, which is why he is misguided about Nirvana. It's hard to take a band seriously when its most talented member is the drummer. Dave Grohl in Nirvana is akin to Babe Ruth's pitching career with the Red Sox. Sure he was good, but he didn�t really achieve greatness until he switched teams and positions.

• The Sports Dork also labeled Pearl Jam fans as over-obsessive. This coming from a Red Sox fan. Obviously the Dork is not familiar with the term irony.

• Poor Bruce was forced from Survivor due to an irritable bowel. What a huge hit for the Asian community. First Mr. Miyagi, and now this. But Terry's run in this game is more interesting than both the Lakers and Clippers making the playoffs in the same season.

• The Hater Nation now has a syndication feed, whatever that means. (You can find it in the left-hand margin towards the bottom.) Seriously, our man, Vin said that we needed to have it. So there it is, whatever it may be.

• The Los Angeles Daily News is reporting that the NFL will now put two franchises in Los Angeles. And you guys think Rocky LaPorte is funny. Sources close to the situation indicate that the Raiders are moving to Los Angeles in 2011. The only reason the league is batting around the idea of a second franchise is so owners of the Saints, Jaguars, et al, still have some leverage in stadium negotiations. All this talk is great, but here is the bigger question. Who is going to pay to rebuild the Coliseum or build a new stadium in Anaheim?

AND FINALLY

The Chargers Girls were announced this week. Better enjoy them while you can. San Diego Mayor Jerry Sanders announced that the city will not help build the Chargers a new stadium in the city. That should come as good news to San Diego Police who have arrested linebackers Steve Foley and Shaun Phillips in separate incidents recently.

The team is welcome to look for locations in San Diego County. Chula Vista and Oceanside are two names possibly linked. Maybe they will be the second suitor for that LA franchise.

American Bad Ass

Former American Idol contestant Bo Bice might be trying a little too hard to prove that he is a rock star. The Axl Rose wannabe picked a fight with former NFL lineman Glenn Parker in a bar after having a few too many drinks according to MTV.com.

So instead of being the guy who (expletived) Paula Abdul, Bice wants to be the guy who starts fights with former NFL players. Smooth. This move officially pushes Bice past the Justin and Kelly movie for worst-post Idol career choice. Bice�s stock has now fallen so low, even Van Halen wouldn�t consider using him. Even Sebastian Bach won't return his phone calls.

The altercation allegedly started when Parker leaned over and ask Bice if he was that dude from Creed. (But Bice was looking to get his ass kicked like Scott Stapp.) Parker was able to subdue Bice and when asked how he was able to handle it, the former Bills lineman replied, �Dude, I�m used to handling drunks. I played with Jim Kelly.�

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Meet the new boss

Not a whole lot to say about Amy and Daniel bailing on the next and presumably final season of "Gilmore Girls," except to note that, for all the ups and downs of the last few years, the show isn't going to improve with the loss of its creative voice. Uneven as the last couple of David Milch-run years of "NYPD Blue" were, or the last year and a half or so of Sorkin's tenure on "West Wing," the best those shows could hope for after the people who wrote most of the words went away was competency, and even that was a struggle at times.

On the plus side, the new showrunner, David Rosenthal is... umm... eccentric. An excerpt from a 2001 profile of him in the New York Observer (the full story is behind a paywall):

Today, some people think David Rosenthal is crazy. It has been nearly a year since Mr. Rosenthal, 33, left his marriage and abandoned Hollywood, leaving barely a trace. He estranged himself from close friends and colleagues, moved into posh hotels and gave away a million dollars to young women, some of whom he barely knew. He wrote an angry play called Love, which contains an extraordinary amount of cursing. Love also details Mr. Rosenthal's feelings about faith, monogamy and his desire to have intercourse with the supermodel Heidi Klum. Mr. Rosenthal said that after he sent a copy of the play to his father, his father took him to a mental hospital, where Mr. Rosenthal was kept for 48 hours.

So this may skip past comptence altogether and go someplace very bizarre. Who knows?

Two colleges and a digestive block

Lots and lots to get to, and while few of them are thematically related, I don't have time for many, many posts. Actually, the best thing I watched all night was a review screener of "The Office" episode airing May 4, which is the funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time, but I can't write more about that now. In order: "The O.C.," "Survivor," "South Park" and "Alias."

"The O.C." is really frustrating me lately, because parts of it are just good enough that I want to keep watching, while others are at the same baffling, cringe-inducing level that's typified most of seasons two and three. If the show would just be bad all the time, I could walk away, but it keeps teasing me with these reminders of what it used to be like.

The good: The return of Anna, even if she was there as Seth's fairy godmother/plot device, and even if I'm puzzled by how Samaire Armstrong now looks like she's using Drea de Matteo's stylist and sounds like a cross between Drew Barrymore and Kellie Pickler, neither of which were true as recently as her time on "Entourage." Wha happen? Also good: Ryan happy. I feared we were going to get back on that cosmic treadmill where, just as he's breaking out the smile, someone slips a flaming sack of karmic crap next to the pool house door. On the other hand, given Theresa's history with honesty and this baby, shouldn't he ask to see a copy of the paternity test?

The bad: I hate, hate, hate plots that only can continue if the characters involved won't sit down and talk honestly for, oh, three minutes. All Seth friggin' had to do was blurt out the phrase "I didn't get in!" during that walking tour, and we could move on. This is all just dumb and protracted.

The unknown: because it was late and because I just don't care anymore about certain characters and subplots that have been on this show for far too long, I fast-forwarded through every Marissa scene that didn't feature Ryan or Summer, and every Sandy and Kirsten scene whenever it became obvious that it was about the hospital storyline, so I have no idea what happened with any of it. Did Ryan's freshman buddy turn out to be a jackass?

You watch "Survivor" long enough, and you can pretty much tell by the pacing when there's not going to be a Tribal Council for some reason. With the way the episode was moving, plus Bruce's intestinal distress, plus that long-ago teased footage of someone being med-evac'ed out of the game, I think we all knew where this was going. I'm assuming he's going to be well enough to return to the jury at some point, if not in the very next episode, then before the end (and they can show him the raw footage of Tribal Council at the hospital in the meantime to keep him as informed as the rest). Otherwise, what's the option? Bring Nick back? Have an even-numbered jury pool and risk a tie vote for the million bucks?

Not an especially satisfying ending, but one of the most entertaining iterations of the chopping challenge to date. Because Terry was the only obvious target, once he went out, it got ugly in a hurry. Loved seeing Courtney and Shane wig out over the answers, loved that Cirie knew everyone would have picked her as the least likely to survive on her own (and Aras picking Terry? WTF? He may be a sucky strategerist, but in terms of survival ability, I'll pick Top Gun over the leaf-phobic, the nicotine junkie, the hippie who wants to hold a sacred burial ceremony for every dead creature and plant on the island, the Boston chick who hasn't done squat from day one, the 57-year-old man with the rock garden, and even the yoga dude who loves to sleep in the teepee in his daddy's backyard).

Loved pretty much all of it, even though I'm not sure how much it changed anything. Shane's a tool, but I do believe he was playing Aras and Cirie -- as we all know by now, he's a sometimes actor, and that interview he gave about what he did was one of the few times since the season began where he didn't seem like this character he'd invented to go fame-whoring with Johnny Fairplay for the next five years. Bruce was the only one who would have had his feelings hurt by being targeted quickly, and that's moot. So the only real fallout is Courtney's flakiness -- and if Shane thinks she's his best final two partner, he'll have to screw over his two strongest allies to bring her there. He's not that dumb, even if he believes they could be the first alliance to survive the post-merge game intact. (Um, Tagi? Porno Brian's group? Team Tom?)

Now, where does this week's "South Park" rank among the show's freakiest? Above or below Lemmiwinks? In case you didn't see it -- and, if not, you'd better hurry, as this may join "Trapped in the Closet" on the Never To Be Re-Aired list very soon -- what started as a parody of the James Frey/Oprah controversy turned into a surreal hostage drama involving two of... um... Oprah's orifices, each of which spoke with a different British dialect. ("Gary," and you know what that is if you saw it, sounded a bit like Terry Jones playing the mom in "Life of Brian.") I really don't know what else to say about it, except that I think Trey and Matt may have been smoking Towelie for the entire writing period.

And, finally, "Alias." I had basically given up on it a couple of years ago, stopping back in every now and then to see if it made any more sense or if the producers had just introduced another Everything You Thought You Knew Was Wrong evil conspiracy to distract the audience from the fact that they had no idea where the plot was going. (I'm thinking that, at the end of this season of "Lost," Kate is going to wake up in an alley behind the hatch with a scar on her belly and a few missing years in her life.) But I figured I'd stick around for this five-week curtain call and... I just think I've outgrown it. Lena Olin and Victor Garber are awesome, but my mind kept wandering and wandering and wandering. What's the name of the new evil group? The Fifth Pope? The Seventh Seal? Shark Sandwich? Whatever it is, anytime anyone mentioned their name, I zoned out. Out of nostalgia for what I used to like about the show, I'm going to stick around till the end, but if the remaining time commitment were more than a month, I don't think even Jennifer Garner in another rubber dress would keep me around.

Alexander Gets Cover

Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander has earned the privilege of having his season ruined by being chosen to grace the cover of Madden NFL 07. The over-hyped Madden cover jinx has taken over for the Sports Illustrated cover jinx. (You can read more about the Madden cover jinx elsewhere as this angle will be run into the ground by now. But if you ask us, the Chunky Campbell�s Soup jinx discovered here is still the best.)

You have to wonder why guys agree to do this. Athletes are a superstitious sort. So maybe it�s a matter of getting paid. Alexander already has received his big-money deal for his contract year. He also showed during the playoff game against the Redskins he doesn�t mind being injured. Alexander, who admitted he is a fan of the game, said it would be an honor to be on the cover.

�To be on the cover of Madden NFL 07 is a big milestone in my career,� said the guy who was selected by some as the NFL�s MVP. Said the guy who set the single-season TD record. Said the guy who led (sort of) the Seahawks to its first Super Bowl.

All those records and team accolades are nice, but it�s the individual honor of being the next cover jinx that is the real milestone. Remember that during your fantasy draft.

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Two weddings and a bus crash

(This entry, in order: "Veronica Mars" and "Gilmore Girls.")

Curiouser and curiouser, "Veronica Mars." All this time I had just thought Charisma Carpenter had been brought in to wear outfits like the one above to try to goose the ratings, and here Rob's been hiding a potential femme fatale right under my nose.

So Kendall Who Isn't Really Kendall is in bed with the Fitzpatricks (and I think we can all assume that's in a literal as well as a figurative sense) and has as good a reason as any to have wanted the bus to crash. Hmmm... For now, my impulse is to think she's a red herring. We've gotten no real hints until now that she was capable of this, and now her potential guilt came with so many flashing neon signs that it almost has to be misdirection.

On the other hand, I can't help shake the feeling that Rob thinks he's being sneakier than he's been with regards to Woody. There have been at least as many obvious clues about The Gutte's guilt (he warned his daughter to get off the bus, the C4 was in a hangar he owns, he has access to demolition materials and a motive to drive a wedge between the rich and poor elements of town, etc., etc.), and yet Veronica and Keith have shrugged off or just completely ignored them. It's like a magician telling you not to pay any attention to the that rabbit-shaped bulge pushing against the edge of his top hat.

Maybe I just wasn't trying as hard last season to identify Lily's killer, but I was both shocked and pleased to discover it was Aaron. Until proven otherwise, one of the safe assumptions in my life is that Rob Thomas is smarter than me, and the reveal will be both surprising and satisfctory, but we'll see.

Just a really good episode all around, both in terms of moving the arc and on its own merits. The Keith-in-danger cliffhanger was perfectly done, and Enrico remains awesome whether he's pleading for his life or crawling into Veronica's car after smashing through a picture window. Weevil essentially wraps up his entire character arc (though, again, there's a chance he could wind up going to jail for Thumper) in a very noir fashion, and we discover just what a clever bastard Aaron is with his plan to frame the MIA Duncan. (On the other hand, isn't Aaron destined to go away for a long time just for trying to burn Veronica and Keith to death? Or does he get a pass in Neptune because his potential victims were poor?)

Over on "Gilmore Girls," when you combine a lavish party with the phrase "written and directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino," you know it's gonna be good. Of course Mrs. Kim has a mother she fears and lies to just as much as Lane did to her for so long; after all, Emily always had to take all that crap from Lorelai the First. So here's the question: Rory and her mom obviously get along, but are she and Logan gonna have a kid one day who can't stand her grandma, or have they broken the cycle?

The "58 seats and 62 Koreans" joke got beaten into the ground, but slapstick and women running in heels is funny, and Sebastian Bach has risen to become maybe my second or third-favorite person on the entire show. A few unanswered questions:

• Whatever happened to Mr. Kim? There were references to him as being alive but unseen in the early seasons (sort of like Vera or Maris), but Lane walked down the aisle unescorted.
• Did the cold medicine make me doze off during it, or was the show missing a scene that set up the whole Yummy Bartenders concept? Seemed to come out of nowhere.
  
• Exactly how long is this field trip of April's? Rory was able to go from Philly to New Haven, put in some time at the paper, and still get back to Stars Hollow in time for the wedding.
• I know Chris is now richer than Trump or something, but man does he have some good in-house childcare. He's out for a few Saturday afternoon errands (on a day he presumably would be doing some daddy-daughter bonding) when he abruptly changes direction, goes to a wedding, gets very smashed and spends the night sitting next to his original baby momma. That sitter/nanny/au pair had better get a health plan.

What did everybody else think?