The Weak Ender

When word arrived that an international soccer sensation was going to be introduced today, the immediate hope was that it was Brazilian soccer referee, Ana Paula Oliveira (right). Fresh off an appearance in Playboy. (Let�s hope Eddie Guns doesn't get any ideas.)

Sadly, it is Beckham who will be introduced to Los Angeles. Holy hell, he hasn't started playing yet? Anyway, the arrival of Beckham will likely encourage millions of children across America to join a youth soccer league. Oh wait, millions of American kids already play soccer, only to ignore it as adults.

And not to bash soccer, but this won't have much of an impact other than the sale of a million Galaxy kits worldwide. (Hey, they actually look kind of cool.)

Americans have an appetite for human cock fighting, not soccer. Beckham is a great soccer player, but he doesn't score goals. And if he doesn't score goals, he'll never be on ESPN. Meaning the average American dope won't know the difference. The initial hype will be something and hey, they might pick up a few casual fans. But plese don't compare this to Wayne Gretzky who was, you know, in his prime when he came to Los Angeles.

If the Galaxy really wanted to make us notice, maybe they would have Oliveira officiate the first game.


Check out more pics at With Leather.

ELI MESSIAH ALL GROWN UP
Giants QB Eli Messiah fancies himself a leader and has even tried to assert himself by blasting the departed Tiki Barber in the New York Post. That is if blasted means that he passive aggressively insinuated that Barber was kind of a bad guy.

"I don't think we're concerned. We're excited by the players that we have who wanted to return for this season, and who wanted to be a part of the Giants and play.�

Wow, way to really stick it to him, Eli. You can tell what's sadder; the quote or the fact that the Post tried to make believe this was some sort of slam. This comes off the same way you would imagine Eli sounded when his brothers coerced him to actually talk to girls.

• Ichiro will sign a contract extension for $18M a year, over the next five years. Something that Marlins president David Samson called �a joke� and �inexcusable.� On the other hand Alex Rodriguez is going command a contract of $30M. Ichiro is a bargain at those prices.

• David Wells is upset with his seven-game suspension. You would think that Major League Baseball was asking him to spend it on a treadmill. You'd figure Wells would take this opportunity to hit the Gas Lamp Quarter, instead of complaining. Hey Dave, there's room for one more in the car for a ride up to the Imperial Palace. But, uh, you have to pay for gas.

• Wait a minute, the ESPY's aren't live and they've already posted the winners online? This is the dumbest idea ever. Why doesn't ESPN show the thing live, or are they that frightened of their image, they have to control absolutely everything. Lame.

THE LINKS

• This is a great idea. Larry David should have played Big Stein in The Bronx is Burning. It kind of sounds like Oliver Platt is doing a Larry David impersonation. In fact, it's the only thing that you can here.
  

• Blog Cabins latest review.

• Who wants to root for the Mets?

• Rumors from the Rumors and Rants crew? Like Torii Hunter becoming a Yankee.
  

• The Sun has a Wimbledon match THN can endorse.
  

• If you saw Jim Palmer's Jockey ads from the 1970s, he was not juicing.
  

• The Sheffield quote machine.

AND FINALLY
The ESPN poker blog reported that the Sports Dork Bill Simpson was busted out of the tournament on the first day. That report was pulled from the site and Simpson claimed in a chat that he didn�t play at all. Didn�t play at all, or was he covering up another early exit? It would seem far-fetched for the Dork to go to all of that trouble, but then you see a quote like this.

Herm Edwards, HBO... it's too good to be true. Hard to believe it's been six years since the first one on the Ravens... I had been writing full-time for ESPN for a month, I did a running diary of Episode One and the editors hacked it to smithereens, they took out about 10 jokes and I spent the weekend thinking I was going to quit. I'm still bitter about it. That was the summer when they destroyed by Gold Club Trial column as well. You'll get all the details in my "E True Hollywood Story" episode.

Yeah, doesn�t seem petulant at all.