The Pleasure & The Bain

Greetings, Hater Nation!

I am Conrad Bain and I've been invited to be your guest blogger today. As some of you may know, Hater is gone on business. Over the weekend, he traveled to Asmara, Eritrea to break ground at the future site of the North African Outreach Academy, a joint project between The Hater Nation and Animosity International designed to teach Raider-hatred to children in poor and developing countries.

Now, I realize that some of you wonder what the heck Conrad Bain is doing here, on a football blog. I fully understand. When most people think of Conrad Bain, they think of the actor, a respected star of screen and stage, not merely a consummate professional, but a jet-setter, a man who is at home sashaying across a dancefloor in Barcelona with Kitty Carlisle on his cheek, or in Monaco, burning up a Baccarat table with his close personal friend, Bill Cullen.

However, don't be deceived by my gallivanting image. The Bain Man knows his way about the hallowed gridiron, and, shortly, will commence to dropping science. In doing such, I will comport myself in a friendly, dignified bearing, and I hope that you in the audience will respond in kind. However, don't be fooled by my easygoing manner. Should you choose to act toward me with the intent of provoking my displeasure, I shant hesitate to make a bitch of you.

Everyday Is Halloween In Oakland
I'll be honest right off the bat and admit that I didn't see the Raiders game yesterday. Not only that, I haven't checked the web for game highlights or even glanced at an NFL scoreboard today. But I know the Raiders won. This morning Wired News reported that servers at Greyhound.com have crashed due to a sudden demand for tickets from Oakland to Detroit. That and the fact that the hit counter at motel6.com is spinning like a slot machine tell me everything I need to know.

Regardless of the big win, though, there won't be any Raiderfans stopping by here today. With Halloween Warehouse holding their Last Chance Clearance Sale before closing their doors for eleven months, Raiderfan will be too busy replenishing his wardrobe to show up here. Any of you parents who haven't yet picked out costumes for your kids should just steer clear of the mall at this point. You don't want to get stabbed in the kidneys with a jailhouse shiv while reaching across a bargain bin for the last rubber skull, or have your kids permanently traumatized watching drunk welfare recipients murder each other over a toy plastic sword.

A guy I knew from Oakland once said to me, "Everyone's a Raider fan on Halloween!"

I smashed a bottle of 12-year-old Cadenhead scotch over his head after he said that.

Philadelphia: You Aren't Any Good.
The Eagles are never going to win a Super Bowl so long as A) Andy Reid is their coach and B) Donovan McNabb is their quarterback. Has anyone on the Philly staff taken the time to explain to McNabb that he's not allowed to throw bounce passes in the NFL? Judging by yesterday's snot throttle at the hands of the Broncos, it doesn't look like it. I haven't seen so many balls bouncing this way and that since I accidentally wandered into George Takei's dressing room after a summer stock production of The King & I.

Speaking of choads, how about the Vikings? Props to all the dopes who, after the Cryking's toothskin home victory over the 1-6 Packers, dove to the front of the Purple Party Barge and proclaimed the team a darkhorse favorite in the NFC. As you're nursing your broken ankles this morning, consider this: the Vikings will never win anything. Nothing. And not just because Mike Tice has the wit of a cinder block. Minnesota's tradition of gridiron futility is as deeply ingrained as the instincts that drive the state's citizens to place plywood shanties on frozen lakes and spear suckers through a hole. This weekend in Carolina, the Vikings were exposed more quickly than Lance Rentzel left alone with a minor. One can only hope they performed better on their boat than they do on the field, or at least let the hos keep the necklaces instead of asking for them back.

Rubley Does It Again
Props to TJ Rubley, who, nearly a decade after his legendary "Rubely Rollout" at the Metrodome, destroyed yet another late-game Packer drive yesterday in Cincinnati. Trailing 21-14, the Packers had reached the the Bengals' 28 with 23 seconds left, when Rubely appeared out of nowhere and snatched the ball from Brett Favre's hands. Once in possession of the football, Rubeley paused to audible a new play to his bewildered teammates, then spun around and galloped backwards down the field, waving and screaming with glee as he held the ball aloft... in other words, he behaved exactly as he did when he was employed.

"I recognized the audible," said William Henderson after the game. "TJ hasn't lost a step."

Rubley was eventually tackled by security officers and, hopefully, beaten like a redheaded mule.

Washington: You Aren't Any Good.
It's always fun watching Washington get smeared, and yesterday at the hands of the Giants was no different. Then I remembered that I picked the Slurs, and felt like a retard.

Okay, that take stunk, but what do you want? I'm not a professional, like, say, Adam Schefter or Steve Bisheff. If I was The Bish, I'd say something like, "With two consecutive wins under their belt, the Giants have got to be feeling pretty good right now. If this team can continue to win each week, I think their fans will have plenty to smile about."

Finally...

Air Force Academy football coach Fisher Deberry came under fire last week after his team's loss to Texas Christian when he said, "Afro-American kids can run very, very well. Their (TCU's) defense had 11 Afro-American kids on their team and they were a very good defensive football team."

Deberry's comments set off a firestorm of anger and criticism, which an apology from the Academy has so far been unable to quell. Fortunately, Coach Deberry received some public relations help this morning from his close personal friend, William Bennett, who sought to clarify the coach's remarks.

"I think what Fisher meant to say," explained Bennett, "is that if you were to abort all Afro-Americans, TCU would see a marked decrease in the speed of their defense."

Bennett was eventually tackled by security officers and, hopefully, beaten like a redheaded mule.