The Post Mortem

If I have to see that bridge that was built in 1913, or the freeway interchange built in 1949 one more time, I swear, I will get violent. Hey GMC, maybe you wouldn't be begging for cash if you made better commercials. Come on, people. At least they didn't have a minor pointing at Howie Long's crotch. (Watch it again.)

The annual tournament of March has started and Las Vegas might be in a depression but for one glorious weekend, Las Vegas was king again. Not that it mattered to MGM. The company is getting sued by its partners in Dubai, so that meant drink tickets for another season.

How funny is it going to be when the mob comes back to buy out the corporations? That will be awesome. But here are the biggest winners and losers from the first weekend of March Madness.

Winner: Wearing a suit to Las Vegas. You can't be overdressed in a town once ruled by the Rat Pack. But you can be under dressed. Just because you are spending all day in a sports book does not mean that you can wear sleeveless shirt. Don't do it.

Loser: Dealer-less blackjack. Is this going to save your company MGM? Firing all of the poker dealers? There is a reason why the corporations are failing in Las Vegas. The service is the key. Dealers are important. Free drinks are important. Not building City Centers is important.

Winner: James Polk.

Losers: Memphis. Sure, you got Northridge's hopes up only to erase them. But come on, we needed a huge blowout.

Winner: The main casino restrooms in the New York, New York. One word sums it up: Full doors. Honestly, you could probably crash there for the night and save some money. But maybe we shouldn't give MGM any ideas.

Loser: The go-go dancer over the $.25 slots at the Excalibur. Maybe next year you can work your way up to dancing behind the blackjack tables. Fingers crossed.

Winner: Cleveland State. Honestly, how many of you knew that this school still had a basketball program?

Loser: Arizona. No Wildcats, you did not prove to anybody that you deserved to be in the tournament. Just because you won two games does not mean that your shoddy credentials should be overlooked. By that logic, did Wake Forest and most of the ACC not deserve to be in the tournament. And to compound matters, you have the worst fans in all of college basketball. Further, Rick Pitino won't be coaching your team. Nor Mark Few. Wow, why would Few take a step down to coach in Tucson?

Winner: Unheralded Men at Work songs such as Overkill and It's a Mistake.

Loser: The Final Countdown.

Winner: Marquette. Thank you for beating Utah State. That would have been horrible.

Loser: Marquette. But you know what that line is for, right?

Winners: People who get up at 4 a.m. (or hang out until 4 a.m.) to get a seat in the sports book.

Losers: People who show up at 10 a.m. and ask, "Is this seat saved." Nope, a-hole. You just woke up at 10 a.m. on the first day of the tournament and you were lucky enough to find a place in the sports book. You really suck.

Winner: Dos Equis. The Most Interesting Man in the World returns!

Loser: Bud's drinkability. Horrible campaign. Horrible commercial where the guy draws trees on a ski run for people to crash into. Imagine Liam Neeson wanted to take his mind of things, watch a little hoops and he saw that commercial. Not cool.