I spend far too much time thinking about "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," a pilot in development at NBC. Usually, I don't bother thinking about pilots at all until they've made the schedule, except in rare cases where a creator has asked for an early opinion on a script. But the combination of creative talent (Aaron Sorkin is writing, Tommy Schlamme is directing) and the premise (thinly-disguised versions of Sorkin and Schlamme take over a thinly-disguised "Saturday Night Live" after a thinly-disguised Lorne Michaels has an on-air meltdown) just has my wheels spinning constantly.
I've read the script (pretty much everyone associated with the TV business in some way has), and my friend Phil and I have tried to cast this thing in our head for a few months. The process is made easier by the fact that it's not hard to spot who the characters are supposed to be in real life: in addition to Sorkin, Schlamme and Lorne, there are barely concealed versions of Jamie Tarses, Maureen Dowd and Kristin Chenoweth. The Chenoweth character is, in fact, so blatantly Kristin -- blonde, beautiful, great at both comedy and singing and a notably devout Christian -- that I figured that no one else could play the part.
Apparently, I was wrong. Sarah Paulson from "Deadwood" now has the awkward job of playing a fictionalized variation on her boss' girlfriend. Meanwhile, Bradley Whitford has joined Matthew Perry as the other lead; I think Perry is playing Sorkin and Whitford is Schlamme, but it's confusing because the director character (Whitford) is the one with the drug problem. With Steven Weber on board as the head of the network, Amanda Peet as Jamie Tarses (sadly, Melina Kanakaredes is too busy on "CSI:NY" for the part she was born to play) and D.L. Hughley as one of the show-within-the-show's other actors, that leaves one crucial role still to be cast: Lorne Michaels.
Now, you could get Mike Myers or Mark McKinney to come on in a grey wig, but that might be too campy. And even if Lorne would do it -- which he won't, since "Studio 60" is competing with Tina Fey's inside-"SNL" sitcom -- that would be distracting. But today, Phil came up with the perfect choice:
George Carlin.
Think about it. Carlin hosted the very first "SNL," but isn't so tightly connected to the show that he wouldn't do it (or that it would be distracting), and if you read the on-air rant "Lorne" delivers, it's as much vintage Carlin as vintage Sorkin.
I'm going to be really disappointed if "Studio 60" doesn't make it, not because I necessarily think it's great -- a friend who works for the real "SNL" described it, not inaccurately, as "fan fiction" -- but just because I've wasted so many hours imagining what it'll look like that I want to see the real thing, dammit.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Caption Time
Barry Bonds has officially stepped into the realm of Dennis Rodman with this current stunt. And yes, that is Barry "Freaking" Bonds. The guy who might become the all-time leader in home runs was caught impersonating Paula Abdul in a rookie skit.
You see, Bonds really does hate his teammates.
Notice, as pointed out by DeadSpin, that Bonds does not need fake breasts to pull this off. Of course, one of the side effects of steroids is a phenomenon known as "bitch tits."
Come up with some captions (some that do not include the Williams sisters though). Check out more photos in the Hater Nation Forums.
You Never Know When�
...You might be surrounded by Redskins.
It's a famous line from Tom Landry's American Express Card commercial years ago. It's sage advice that two Cowboys � Troy Aikman and Roger Staubach � should have heeded.
The two Dallas legends have founded a NASCAR racing team, Hall of Fame Racing. Both guys struggled in their early days in the NFL. The Cowboys went 1-15 in Aikman's rookie season (Steve Walsh won the game) and Staubach spent two years* on the bench before getting his chance. So it's fitting that Hall of Fame Racing was fined and stripped of points for using an illegal carburetor in its initial race at Daytona.
The funny thing is who supplied the illegal part � Joe Gibbs. Was the current Redskins coach, who was driven out of the league, playing a rookie prank on the Cowboys duo? Gibbs sent out a press release claiming it was an accident. But it's not hard to imagine Gibbs having a laugh about this at Redskins Park saying, "Those two dumb sons of bitches. The only thing dumber than a Raider is a Cowboy." And then Dan Snyder lights a $100 bill on fire just to celebrate.
Is this enough to get us into NASCAR? Probably not, but state your case in the Hater Nation Forums.
*It was incorrectly noted earlier that Staubach spent five years on the bench. The former Heisman winner spent five years in the Navy before joining the Cowboys. He assumed the starting job in 1971 and led the Cowboys to victory in Super Bowl VI.
It's a famous line from Tom Landry's American Express Card commercial years ago. It's sage advice that two Cowboys � Troy Aikman and Roger Staubach � should have heeded. The two Dallas legends have founded a NASCAR racing team, Hall of Fame Racing. Both guys struggled in their early days in the NFL. The Cowboys went 1-15 in Aikman's rookie season (Steve Walsh won the game) and Staubach spent two years* on the bench before getting his chance. So it's fitting that Hall of Fame Racing was fined and stripped of points for using an illegal carburetor in its initial race at Daytona.
The funny thing is who supplied the illegal part � Joe Gibbs. Was the current Redskins coach, who was driven out of the league, playing a rookie prank on the Cowboys duo? Gibbs sent out a press release claiming it was an accident. But it's not hard to imagine Gibbs having a laugh about this at Redskins Park saying, "Those two dumb sons of bitches. The only thing dumber than a Raider is a Cowboy." And then Dan Snyder lights a $100 bill on fire just to celebrate.
Is this enough to get us into NASCAR? Probably not, but state your case in the Hater Nation Forums.
*It was incorrectly noted earlier that Staubach spent five years on the bench. The former Heisman winner spent five years in the Navy before joining the Cowboys. He assumed the starting job in 1971 and led the Cowboys to victory in Super Bowl VI.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Life Imitating Art
Bob Uecker describes a villainous Yankees pitcher (as if they were any other kind) in the movie Major League by saying, "He once threw at his own kid at a father-son game." It has apparently come to fruition.
Roger Clemens allowed a homerun in his first pitch in a simulated game against Houston Astros minor leaguers. The next time, the batter was given a pitch, high-and-tight. Only the batter was his son, Koby Clemens.
The younger Clemens took the attempted beaning in stride, and even broke his bat on the next pitch. But that is when the whole situation turned surreal as Roger retrieved part of the bat and threw the splintered wood back at his son. That touched off a benches clearing dust-up as the father grabbed his son in a headlock and started hitting him on the top of the head. Roger actually reached back and clock Astros manager Phil Garner during the melee.
Alright, that last paragraph was made up, but you kind of believed it, huh?
You can read more by clicking here.
Roger Clemens allowed a homerun in his first pitch in a simulated game against Houston Astros minor leaguers. The next time, the batter was given a pitch, high-and-tight. Only the batter was his son, Koby Clemens.The younger Clemens took the attempted beaning in stride, and even broke his bat on the next pitch. But that is when the whole situation turned surreal as Roger retrieved part of the bat and threw the splintered wood back at his son. That touched off a benches clearing dust-up as the father grabbed his son in a headlock and started hitting him on the top of the head. Roger actually reached back and clock Astros manager Phil Garner during the melee.
Alright, that last paragraph was made up, but you kind of believed it, huh?
You can read more by clicking here.
Rice Lets Down Fans Again
Dancing with the Stars was set up perfectly for Jerry Rice, just like his NFL career � stand around, barely move, and let your talented teammate carry you to a Super Bowl championship. It was a formula that worked well for Jerry as he won four titles in San Francisco. But losing to the boy-band guy on ABC's reality hit must have brought back memories of Super Bowl XXXVII for the NFL�s greatest receiver since Don Hutson.
Jerry (for reasons unknown) was able to waltz past the far more talented Stacy Keibler to advance to the finals, despite having moves that made last year's winner Kelly Monaco look like Gene Kelly. (And be honest, Rice doesn't look as good topless.)
Ultimately Nick Lachey's brother proved to be too tough of an obstacle must like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Odds are Rice took the rejection well as he excused himself for a "deep tissue message."
What is funny is that Rice was always praised for not hot-dogging and doing end zone celebrations. Who is laughing now? Rice wasted all of that valuable practice time. Terrell Owens is going to be well prepared when he decides to make a run at this show. If they really wanted a legitimate NFLer to participate in this contest, they should have looked no further than Jon Gruden.
Check out this dude�s dance moves.
Sign this guy up. Talk about it further in the Hater Nation Forums, voted America's best by the Association of Bad Toupe Wearing Sportswriters.
Jerry (for reasons unknown) was able to waltz past the far more talented Stacy Keibler to advance to the finals, despite having moves that made last year's winner Kelly Monaco look like Gene Kelly. (And be honest, Rice doesn't look as good topless.)
Ultimately Nick Lachey's brother proved to be too tough of an obstacle must like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Odds are Rice took the rejection well as he excused himself for a "deep tissue message."
What is funny is that Rice was always praised for not hot-dogging and doing end zone celebrations. Who is laughing now? Rice wasted all of that valuable practice time. Terrell Owens is going to be well prepared when he decides to make a run at this show. If they really wanted a legitimate NFLer to participate in this contest, they should have looked no further than Jon Gruden.
Check out this dude�s dance moves.
Burn, baby, burn.
Disco Inferno
Burn, baby, burn
This bit's not funny anymore.
Burn, baby, burn, Disco Inferno!
And bring it home with a pose, Jon!
Sign this guy up. Talk about it further in the Hater Nation Forums, voted America's best by the Association of Bad Toupe Wearing Sportswriters.
Beat LA
Finally broke down and watched a full NBA game on Friday night. And by full NBA game that means tuned in for the fourth quarter � just missed the Clippers amazing 16-0 run that put away the Lakers in the third quarter. It is still too early, however, to claim the Clippers are the kings of Los Angeles. Still, it's odd to see the Clippers as the team pulling off great trades and getting poised for a playoff run. It was not unusual to hear a MVP chant rain through the rafters of the Staples Center. It was surreal that it was an endorsement of the Clippers Elton Brand.
Hey, why not?
But this is the Clippers, so you know something bad had to happen. And it came when Chris Kamen injured his ribs when King Kong Bundy ran out from the back and �splashed� him into the steel ring posts. But that�s the Clippers � the Al Bundy of the NBA. (And seriously, have we ever seen Kamen and Hulk Hogan's hair in the same place at the same time? Watch it the next time you see it. Nothing has us more excited about the NBA playoffs than Kamen's do being on national television.)
The Lakers though, wow, that's one bad basketball team. Kobe gets a lot of well-deserved grief about his shooting and he should � he doesn't shoot enough. The Lakers took 77 shots on Friday night, and Kobe only took 29 of them. You would have to figure that Kobe needs to take at least 50 for the Lakers to win. Lamar Odom is the biggest waste of a basketball player since Derrick Coleman. And Kwame Brown? Garbage. Both players are so bad, you figure they will be on the New York Knicks roster by next year.
This reminds us of why we would rather spend our time watching Dancing with the Stars on a Sunday night instead of watching that epic Lakers vs. Celtics battle. And Wally Szadhfkljnak is one the Celtics now? That's fitting.
If you want more NBA talk head to the Hater Nation Forums, monitored everyday by the editors at the Orange County Register.
Hey, why not?
But this is the Clippers, so you know something bad had to happen. And it came when Chris Kamen injured his ribs when King Kong Bundy ran out from the back and �splashed� him into the steel ring posts. But that�s the Clippers � the Al Bundy of the NBA. (And seriously, have we ever seen Kamen and Hulk Hogan's hair in the same place at the same time? Watch it the next time you see it. Nothing has us more excited about the NBA playoffs than Kamen's do being on national television.)The Lakers though, wow, that's one bad basketball team. Kobe gets a lot of well-deserved grief about his shooting and he should � he doesn't shoot enough. The Lakers took 77 shots on Friday night, and Kobe only took 29 of them. You would have to figure that Kobe needs to take at least 50 for the Lakers to win. Lamar Odom is the biggest waste of a basketball player since Derrick Coleman. And Kwame Brown? Garbage. Both players are so bad, you figure they will be on the New York Knicks roster by next year.
This reminds us of why we would rather spend our time watching Dancing with the Stars on a Sunday night instead of watching that epic Lakers vs. Celtics battle. And Wally Szadhfkljnak is one the Celtics now? That's fitting.
If you want more NBA talk head to the Hater Nation Forums, monitored everyday by the editors at the Orange County Register.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Everybody get in line
So the big event of my weekend, other than the end of my "Sopranos" death march, was going to be hitting the first major comic book convention in New York in about 15 years. (Say it with me: Alan's a big fat dork.) Long story short, I stood for an hour on the first of a series of three epic-length lines to get in, then gave up when my back and feet started barking. (Say it with me: Alan's getting olllllllld.) So I bailed, and I clearly made the right call.
Then, to make the day odder, as I was walking back to the train station, someone handed me a ticket to see a preview screening of "She's the Man." On the one hand, I didn't particularly need to see "Just One of The Guys" remade. (Yeah, I know it's based on "Twelfth Night," but so what? "JOoTG" had Zabka, the horny kid brother and Joyce Hyser flashing the world. Top that, Shakespeare!) On the other, I felt like I ought to get something out of my trip into the city, so I briefly poked my head into the theater, only to run screaming when I saw it was full of 12-14 year-old girls, which would have been A)irritatingly noisy, and B)creepy for me as one of three adult men in the room.
So instead, I hightailed it home and caught up on some of the TV I'd been forsaking in favor of watching "The Amazing Adventures of Artie Bucco & Assemblyman Zellman." Let's take 'em in chronological order:
"Survivor: Exile Island" is turning out to be some Bizarro World version of Palau, where you have one team filled with all the nice people and led by a superhuman middle aged guy, while the other has all the idiots who can't get along with each other -- only the bad guys are winning. Interesting that they showed Terry finding the mini-idol, which means one of two things: 1)He manages to get so far into the game without having to use it that the producers felt they needed to give viewers some kind of pay-off to the twist, or 2)He uses it in a big damn hurry and then we don't get to see who finds it next.
I know I promised last week that I would give an intricate conspiracy analysis of the latest "Battlestar Galactica," but those marvelous, fiendish, wonderful people at Sci-Fi Channel publicity sent me the two-part season finale, and I'm so amped about it that it's hard to focus on anything that came before. (Let's just say that Ron Moore puts his money where his mouth is when it comes to willingness to fuck with the status quo big-time.)
But a few quick thoughts: Are the phantom Baltar and Six just hallucinations, or something more? I know Moore refers to them as such in the podcasts, but phantom Six has told Baltar a whole lot of things he never would have known or been able to predict on his own, and phantom Baltar was way ahead of the plot from Six. (For a minute, I actually wondered if Baltar had really died in the nuclear detonation and been replaced with a Cylon body that had Six's personality, but that's too bizarre even for this show.) Regardless, amazing performances by Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, James Callis and honorary TV critic Lucy Lawless, and I really can't say much more without letting what I know about the next two weeks color it.
"Grey's Anatomy," meanwhile, managed to avoid making Meredith look like an absolute monster by making George into such a petulant baby for most of the hour that the whole sex fiasco became a stalemate. Still, I'm glad Shonda Rhimes decided to pull a Sam Weir/Cindy Sanders and have George get over his crush in a hurry -- especially since it means the arrival of the unspeakably awesome Sara Ramirez (aka The Lady in the Lake from "Spamalot") as George's new love interest. (And way to have him move from stick-figure Meredith to a woman with actual curves who won't vanish when she turns sideways.) The poison oak story was funny (and Marian cringed for almost all of it, as I'm sure I would've if the genders were reversed), and I like the way the writers are letting Izzie be the bad guy in that relationship for once.
And then there was hey-it's-that-guy Mark Harelik, or, as I call him, Poor Mark Harelik, because he always winds up playing the sad sack loser (Milos the incompetent tennis instructor on "Seinfeld," the lawn boy's dad on "Desperate Housewives," etc.). Once again, he fulfilled his nickname, as my second-favorite Cusack sister dumped his ass on the verge of surgery. Nice. If I ever see Harelik get and keep the girl for long, I may have to crack open a bottle of champagne or something. But I'm weird that way.
Then, to make the day odder, as I was walking back to the train station, someone handed me a ticket to see a preview screening of "She's the Man." On the one hand, I didn't particularly need to see "Just One of The Guys" remade. (Yeah, I know it's based on "Twelfth Night," but so what? "JOoTG" had Zabka, the horny kid brother and Joyce Hyser flashing the world. Top that, Shakespeare!) On the other, I felt like I ought to get something out of my trip into the city, so I briefly poked my head into the theater, only to run screaming when I saw it was full of 12-14 year-old girls, which would have been A)irritatingly noisy, and B)creepy for me as one of three adult men in the room.
So instead, I hightailed it home and caught up on some of the TV I'd been forsaking in favor of watching "The Amazing Adventures of Artie Bucco & Assemblyman Zellman." Let's take 'em in chronological order:
"Survivor: Exile Island" is turning out to be some Bizarro World version of Palau, where you have one team filled with all the nice people and led by a superhuman middle aged guy, while the other has all the idiots who can't get along with each other -- only the bad guys are winning. Interesting that they showed Terry finding the mini-idol, which means one of two things: 1)He manages to get so far into the game without having to use it that the producers felt they needed to give viewers some kind of pay-off to the twist, or 2)He uses it in a big damn hurry and then we don't get to see who finds it next.
I know I promised last week that I would give an intricate conspiracy analysis of the latest "Battlestar Galactica," but those marvelous, fiendish, wonderful people at Sci-Fi Channel publicity sent me the two-part season finale, and I'm so amped about it that it's hard to focus on anything that came before. (Let's just say that Ron Moore puts his money where his mouth is when it comes to willingness to fuck with the status quo big-time.)
But a few quick thoughts: Are the phantom Baltar and Six just hallucinations, or something more? I know Moore refers to them as such in the podcasts, but phantom Six has told Baltar a whole lot of things he never would have known or been able to predict on his own, and phantom Baltar was way ahead of the plot from Six. (For a minute, I actually wondered if Baltar had really died in the nuclear detonation and been replaced with a Cylon body that had Six's personality, but that's too bizarre even for this show.) Regardless, amazing performances by Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, James Callis and honorary TV critic Lucy Lawless, and I really can't say much more without letting what I know about the next two weeks color it.
"Grey's Anatomy," meanwhile, managed to avoid making Meredith look like an absolute monster by making George into such a petulant baby for most of the hour that the whole sex fiasco became a stalemate. Still, I'm glad Shonda Rhimes decided to pull a Sam Weir/Cindy Sanders and have George get over his crush in a hurry -- especially since it means the arrival of the unspeakably awesome Sara Ramirez (aka The Lady in the Lake from "Spamalot") as George's new love interest. (And way to have him move from stick-figure Meredith to a woman with actual curves who won't vanish when she turns sideways.) The poison oak story was funny (and Marian cringed for almost all of it, as I'm sure I would've if the genders were reversed), and I like the way the writers are letting Izzie be the bad guy in that relationship for once.
And then there was hey-it's-that-guy Mark Harelik, or, as I call him, Poor Mark Harelik, because he always winds up playing the sad sack loser (Milos the incompetent tennis instructor on "Seinfeld," the lawn boy's dad on "Desperate Housewives," etc.). Once again, he fulfilled his nickname, as my second-favorite Cusack sister dumped his ass on the verge of surgery. Nice. If I ever see Harelik get and keep the girl for long, I may have to crack open a bottle of champagne or something. But I'm weird that way.
Dude, marathon's over
Well, I did it. 65 hours of "Sopranos," squeezed into about a week and a half's worth of viewing. And what did I learn? A few random points:
- The digitally-generated ghost of Nancy Marchand scene is seventeen kinds of awful. I had forgotten just how frequently her hairstyle changed and her head grew and shrunk. Maybe with today's technology, Chase could have stuck Andy Serkis in a ratty housecoat and pulled it off, but they would've been better with a flashback.
- People bitching about "The Test Dream" have apparently been watching some show in a parallel universe, because I counted more than a dozen dream sequences, some of them major (the various dreams in "Funhouse," the season two finale, add up to almost the same running time as the test dream).
- I finally realized why so many people were unhappy with season four: because it sucked. Okay, that's not fair. Plenty of good things in that season -- Ade getting destroyed by the FBI, Tony killing and disposing of Ralphie, the worst intervention of all time, Johnny Sack's vendetta over the 95-pound mole joke -- and the breakup finale "Whitecaps" was so brilliant it covered up a lot of sins. But, for the love of God, we got back-to-back episodes where the main characters were Artie Bucco and Assemblyman Zellman! And let's not even get into Furio's bizarre transformation from icy tough guy to Sensitive Ponytail Man. Gah. The lack of whacking wasn't the problem with that season; it was the meandering pace, no real closure to anything (except, temporarily, the Soprano marriage), and, in case I forgot to mention it, back-to-back freaking episodes about Artie Bucco and Assemblyman Zellman.
- One other great season four moment that merits its own bullet point, but only because I'm, like, twelve: AJ ending a conversation with Meadow by ripping a fart and declaring, "Oh, dude, meeting's over."
- The actor who plays Vito "Big Gay Yankee Fan" Spatafore, Joe Gannascoli (aka "Celebrity Fit Club" star Joe Gannascoli), pops up in season one's "The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti" as a different character altogether, one of the customers at the bakery where Christopher shoots off the counter guy's toe. Quite possibly question number one when I have my seasonal audience with David Chase.
Friday, February 24, 2006
The World Would Be Better Off Without You
Hopefully this will become a regular feature. But we keep up with recurring features here about as well as the Sports Dork does; so don�t hold your breath. Take The Last and Ten for instance. But we�ll give this a shot. And seriously, there won�t be any super obvious subjects, either. Alex Rodriguez, Bin Laden, and Eli Manning are too easy. We will work hard to unearth a good one. And if we can't, we'll just call Lil' Hater.
So this will be the inaugural run, so get ready to make history. Our first guest of dishonor:
Jackie Slater
Forgive us if we go Steve �The Bish� Bisheff on all of you, but we remember Jackie Slater as the hulking offensive lineman who was larger than life when he came to Canyon High of Anaheim to play basketball against the faculty. Slater was one of the real Los Angeles Rams. A guy who played in the Coliseum and every season with the club in Anaheim.
That is what makes the end so disappointing. Slater should have done the honorable thing and retired after the Rams folded following the 1994 season. Instead he played for Georgia Frontiere�s franchise in St. Louis. It was the biggest sell-out move in sports that would not be matched until Rob Van Dam showed up on WWF RAW in 1997. It was like hearing that your wife was leaving you and taking your most dependable friend with you. The one you counted on for most of your young life. Our earliest memories off the NFL started in the late 1970s, Slater's first years with the Rams. He was a member of the team until we were almost graduated from college. But that wouldn't stop him from twisting the knife into the backs of Rams fans.
Compare Slater with the members of the Baltimore Colts who will not associate with the Indianapolis Colts. Tom Matte, Johnny Unitas, and Art Donovan all turned their backs on the Colts franchise. Heck, Matte does color commentary for the Baltimore Ravens on the club radio's broadcast. That is how you react. These guys were pissed. Slater not only gleefully went with the new franchise, he also allowed himself to be into that stupid St. Louis Ring of Honor.
And if that wasn�t bad enough�Slater was hired as the offensive line coach for the Oakland Raiders. A job is a job, but there are just some jobs you shouldn�t take.
So Jackie Slater, the world would be a better place without you.
So this will be the inaugural run, so get ready to make history. Our first guest of dishonor:
Jackie Slater
Forgive us if we go Steve �The Bish� Bisheff on all of you, but we remember Jackie Slater as the hulking offensive lineman who was larger than life when he came to Canyon High of Anaheim to play basketball against the faculty. Slater was one of the real Los Angeles Rams. A guy who played in the Coliseum and every season with the club in Anaheim.That is what makes the end so disappointing. Slater should have done the honorable thing and retired after the Rams folded following the 1994 season. Instead he played for Georgia Frontiere�s franchise in St. Louis. It was the biggest sell-out move in sports that would not be matched until Rob Van Dam showed up on WWF RAW in 1997. It was like hearing that your wife was leaving you and taking your most dependable friend with you. The one you counted on for most of your young life. Our earliest memories off the NFL started in the late 1970s, Slater's first years with the Rams. He was a member of the team until we were almost graduated from college. But that wouldn't stop him from twisting the knife into the backs of Rams fans.
Compare Slater with the members of the Baltimore Colts who will not associate with the Indianapolis Colts. Tom Matte, Johnny Unitas, and Art Donovan all turned their backs on the Colts franchise. Heck, Matte does color commentary for the Baltimore Ravens on the club radio's broadcast. That is how you react. These guys were pissed. Slater not only gleefully went with the new franchise, he also allowed himself to be into that stupid St. Louis Ring of Honor.
And if that wasn�t bad enough�Slater was hired as the offensive line coach for the Oakland Raiders. A job is a job, but there are just some jobs you shouldn�t take.
So Jackie Slater, the world would be a better place without you.
Chad Cordero: Juiced
Barry Bonds won�t play in the World Baseball Classic because he can�t quit steroids. (Allegedly) Washington Nationals pitcher Chad Cordero not only will play in the WBC, but he even swore off the steroids.
Or at least Albuterol.
The former Cal State Fullerton closer hasn�t used his inhaler the past two months because the Albuterol he takes is considered a banned substance by the WBC. It seems the international baseball is a little bit tougher on steroids than Bud Selig could ever hope to be. But isn't this going a little over-board? David Wells could show up and pitch drunk, but the WBC would allow Cordero to die on the mound because of an asthma attack.
While other major league players have balked at playing for their country because of various ailments or other reasons, Cordero has been out their laboring to breath in order to represent his country.
"This is a huge deal to be able to play for your country," Cordero told the Washington Times. "That's why I've sacrificed taking the medicine that I need because being able to play for the USA is something you may never have a chance to do again."
Cordero gets it. Then there is Bonds. Check out what the engimatic slugger had to say on his website.
�The obvious objections were about my health and whether or not I would be ready to play. In the end, I decided that I can't take any chances that might jeopardize my season. I don't want to give the impression that the WBC is not important. I know this means a lot to showcasing our sport worldwide, and the patriotism of playing for Team USA would have been a great honor. I feel what is best for me, my family, the Giants, and our fans is that I sit the WBC out.�
Of course Barry comes first. Typical. The guy can try to hide behind his family but you know that he is not going because he can't use his "inhaler." (Allegedly)
To read more about Cordero you can click here. Bag on Bonds in the Hater Nation Forums.
Or at least Albuterol.
The former Cal State Fullerton closer hasn�t used his inhaler the past two months because the Albuterol he takes is considered a banned substance by the WBC. It seems the international baseball is a little bit tougher on steroids than Bud Selig could ever hope to be. But isn't this going a little over-board? David Wells could show up and pitch drunk, but the WBC would allow Cordero to die on the mound because of an asthma attack.While other major league players have balked at playing for their country because of various ailments or other reasons, Cordero has been out their laboring to breath in order to represent his country.
"This is a huge deal to be able to play for your country," Cordero told the Washington Times. "That's why I've sacrificed taking the medicine that I need because being able to play for the USA is something you may never have a chance to do again."
Cordero gets it. Then there is Bonds. Check out what the engimatic slugger had to say on his website.
�The obvious objections were about my health and whether or not I would be ready to play. In the end, I decided that I can't take any chances that might jeopardize my season. I don't want to give the impression that the WBC is not important. I know this means a lot to showcasing our sport worldwide, and the patriotism of playing for Team USA would have been a great honor. I feel what is best for me, my family, the Giants, and our fans is that I sit the WBC out.�
Of course Barry comes first. Typical. The guy can try to hide behind his family but you know that he is not going because he can't use his "inhaler." (Allegedly)
To read more about Cordero you can click here. Bag on Bonds in the Hater Nation Forums.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
No time for "Idol," Dr. Jones
Sorry, but the countdown clock for my series of 8,000 "Sopranos"-related stories is ticking, and I don't have time to do anything but immerse myself in all things Soprano. I'm watching every episode, I'm eating too much pasta, I'm dreaming about Christopher and Paulie stuck in the Pine Barrens, I'm having nightmares about the Ralphie/Janice sex scenes. Maybe I'll be able to get back on the "Idol" horse (or blogging horse, for that matter) next week.
Dust in the Brees
The Chargers are seemingly content to let Drew Brees walk away as a free agent. The two schools of wisdom advocated by the media and experts is that the Chargers either has its head up its (expletive) or they are just (expletive) stupid.Yes, how could the Chargers be so stupid to give away a quarterback of Brees caliber? This guy could go on to be the next John Friez or something. It seems ridiculous that the Chargers could let go of a quarterback that has won some many playoff games and won so many MVP awards.
Oh wait; Brees hasn't won any of those things. The legend of Brees has rivaled Paul Bunyon in the past couple of days since the Chargers announced that they would let him test the free agent market. But let's be realistic here. Brees is not among the top echelon of quarterbacks in the NFL which includes Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Ben Roethlisberger among others. But the media is acting like the Chargers are getting rid of Joe Montana in his prime.
Brees is what he is, a good quarterback but nothing special. If you really want to stump a Chargers fan, ask him to recall the game where Brees put the team on his shoulders and willed them to a victory. That happened about as often as Kerry Collins willed the Raiders to a victory. Or Art Shell out-coached somebody.
Brees reached the Pro Bowl in 2004 but he did it against some of the weaklings in the NFL. Brees went 10-0 against teams at or below the .500 mark. He was 2-5 against teams with winning records as Chad Pennington (who also could become available) and the Jets bounced the Chargers from the playoffs.
Yeah, it is getting harder to understand why the Chargers would let this guy walk. The Chargers know what they are getting in Brees. He is a good quarterback that will put up decent numbers. But has anything that he has done in the past two years shown you that he will lead this team to the Super Bowl? Brees has always come off as a Pat Haden-type of quarterback. Successful but unspectacular. (Of course the Rams reached the only Super Bowl in club history when Vince Ferragamo replaced Haden.)It's time to give Phillip Rivers a chance to prove why the Chargers considered him the best quarterback in the 2004 NFL Draft. Brees has taken the Chargers about as far as his bum shoulder could take them. It's time to see what Rivers can do. It is similar to the situation the Bengals were in a couple of years ago when they benched Jon Kitna in favor of Carson Palmer. It's kind of hard to argue with that move now, even though many thought the Bengals were nuts for doing it.
If the Chargers had put Rivers on the bench again, you would have to figure that they had their heads up their (expletive) or they were just (expletive) stupid.
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
(Very) quick "American Idol" thoughts
Somebody wake me when most of the chaff has been separated and we just have the wheat left. I really liked two or three of the performances (Mandisa doing "Heart," Paris doing Gladys Knight), and was put to sleep by most of the others. (Did somebody sing the freakin' Tsunami single from last year? Seriously?)
Highlight of the night, such as it was, was this exchange between Seacrest and vertically-blessed Stevie Scott:
Highlight of the night, such as it was, was this exchange between Seacrest and vertically-blessed Stevie Scott:
Ryan: "I'm taller than Tom Cruise."
Stevie: "Yeah, you might have a chance with me."
Must... resist... urge... to make... legally-actionable jokes!
Claudette fall down, go boom?
Here's how you know "The Shield" is hurtling toward the finish line: they may have killed Claudette last night.
I didn't think the show could top last week's interrogation where Kavanaugh tore Vic's ex-wife into itty bitty pieces, but damn if Claudette's final takedown of the serial killer wasn't even better. If I ever wind up alone in a room with CCH Pounder, I think I'd probably end up confessing to all sorts of shit I didn't even do, just to stop that glare of hers.
And whether Claudette dies or just winds up in a hospital bed for a really long time, Dutch is going to be feeling 27 different kinds of guilt over making her continue with his "win one for the Gipper" speech. (Or, if you prefer, his "Nothing is over until we decide it is!" speech.)
The Kavanaugh/Strike Team story took a backseat for once, but two things to note: Ronnie got maybe his most screen time ever (including the time he got burned by Armadillo), and Vic is either about to sacrifice his freedom (and the Strike Team's) for Corinne and the kids, or he's setting her up and will turn out to be a bigger bastard than ever.
Gotta go watch the "Idol" semis on tape delay. Should be done in about 20 minutes. Is it too early in the morning for a shot of liquid courage?
I didn't think the show could top last week's interrogation where Kavanaugh tore Vic's ex-wife into itty bitty pieces, but damn if Claudette's final takedown of the serial killer wasn't even better. If I ever wind up alone in a room with CCH Pounder, I think I'd probably end up confessing to all sorts of shit I didn't even do, just to stop that glare of hers.
And whether Claudette dies or just winds up in a hospital bed for a really long time, Dutch is going to be feeling 27 different kinds of guilt over making her continue with his "win one for the Gipper" speech. (Or, if you prefer, his "Nothing is over until we decide it is!" speech.)
The Kavanaugh/Strike Team story took a backseat for once, but two things to note: Ronnie got maybe his most screen time ever (including the time he got burned by Armadillo), and Vic is either about to sacrifice his freedom (and the Strike Team's) for Corinne and the kids, or he's setting her up and will turn out to be a bigger bastard than ever.
Gotta go watch the "Idol" semis on tape delay. Should be done in about 20 minutes. Is it too early in the morning for a shot of liquid courage?
Fixing a hole
Movie award shows are cloning their way to extinction. There are so many critics groups, so many TV specials, that by the time the Oscars roll around, we already know not only who's going to win, but what they're going to say. (Someone needs to shackle Philip Seymour Hoffman to a chair, clip his eyeballs open, and make him watch that damn speech so many times in a row that he physically won't be able to utter those words in that order ever again.)
The Emmys have a different kind of duplication problem. There aren't that many TV award shows, but the nature of television means the same people and shows can be nominated -- and win -- year after year after year. The speeches may change a little, but the faces don't -- and some of those faces start to look embarrassed after a while. (Dennis Franz, Helen Hunt and Aaron Sorkin come to mind.)
A few years back, the TV Academy got rid of the blue-ribbon panels that voted on the winners. These panels would check into a hotel for two or three days and watch all the submitted tapes in a category. The idea was to guarantee that anyone voting had actually watched all the shows. The problem: the only Academy members who had enough free time to be on a panel tended to be older and/our out of work, and they gravitated towards older, safer shows and people (Tyne Daly, Candice Bergen).
So in 2000, the Academy decided to put voters on the honors system, signing people up for a particular category and letting them watch the screeners on their own time. And for the first few years, the new system worked, as Emmy newbies like Patricia Heaton and Allison Janney got trophies. But then they kept getting trophies, and getting trophies, ad nauseum.
The problem, it turned out, wasn't with the final voting process, but with the nominations. Nominations are open to the entire Academy, and no one has to sign an affidavit or pretend in any way that they've watched anything; they just have to scan a list of eligible nominees and check off five names per category. And since people in the TV business rarely have time to actually watch TV, it's all guesswork, based largely on name recognition and media hype. The nominees wind up being the same year after year, which makes it hard to shake up the winners.
But now, according to Variety, the panels are coming back, at a different point in the process:
Second:
The Emmys have a different kind of duplication problem. There aren't that many TV award shows, but the nature of television means the same people and shows can be nominated -- and win -- year after year after year. The speeches may change a little, but the faces don't -- and some of those faces start to look embarrassed after a while. (Dennis Franz, Helen Hunt and Aaron Sorkin come to mind.)
A few years back, the TV Academy got rid of the blue-ribbon panels that voted on the winners. These panels would check into a hotel for two or three days and watch all the submitted tapes in a category. The idea was to guarantee that anyone voting had actually watched all the shows. The problem: the only Academy members who had enough free time to be on a panel tended to be older and/our out of work, and they gravitated towards older, safer shows and people (Tyne Daly, Candice Bergen).
So in 2000, the Academy decided to put voters on the honors system, signing people up for a particular category and letting them watch the screeners on their own time. And for the first few years, the new system worked, as Emmy newbies like Patricia Heaton and Allison Janney got trophies. But then they kept getting trophies, and getting trophies, ad nauseum.
The problem, it turned out, wasn't with the final voting process, but with the nominations. Nominations are open to the entire Academy, and no one has to sign an affidavit or pretend in any way that they've watched anything; they just have to scan a list of eligible nominees and check off five names per category. And since people in the TV business rarely have time to actually watch TV, it's all guesswork, based largely on name recognition and media hype. The nominees wind up being the same year after year, which makes it hard to shake up the winners.
But now, according to Variety, the panels are coming back, at a different point in the process:
Starting this year, a blue ribbon panel will ultimately decide the nominees for outstanding comedy and drama, as well as the key Emmy acting categories. By doing so, the org hopes to diversify who ends up getting honored.Could work, but I have two problems. First, the new process will start off the same way the old one did: the entire Academy will be allowed to check off a list of the eligible names, and then the top 10 (for series) or 15 (for acting) will be shown to the panels to pare the numbers down to five per category. What are the odds a "Gilmore Girls" or "Veronica Mars," to name two recently snubbed shows, can make the cut to 15 or 10, much less to five?
Second:
There is some precedence: Blue ribbon panels already choose the nominees in the guest actor/actress and variety show performer categories.The guest star categories are annually the worst sinners in terms of name recognition over talent. If you're a movie star slumming on television, or a TV icon coming out of semi-retirement, you're pretty much guaranteed a nomination, no matter how good or bad you were. So if these are the same people in charge of the larger process, the nominations could actually get worse, not better.
Bill Gramatica: Model Teammate
Kicker Bill Gramatica is still making friends be it the NFL or the Arena Football League. Unfortunately for Bill, he is only making friends with the opposing team. He is best remembered for injuring his knee while landing awkwardly after jumping to celebrate a field goal against the Giants while playing for the Arizona Cardinals in 2001. Gramatica played in one game for the Miami Dolphins in 2004. Old Bill is back up to his tricks again. Gramatica is currently kicking for the Tampa Bay Storm of the AFL and had a chance to defeat rival Orlando in overtime on Sunday. But Gramatica missed the 39-yard field goal as Orlando eventually won in overtime, 124-121. At least he didn't injure himself.
That can only mean one thing (other than we wanted to run that picture), there is a new Last and Ten! Yes, that was some introduction for our Last and Ten. Make your own jokes in the Hater Nation Forums.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Thanks, But No Thanks
Not to go Bryant Gumble on all of you, but Lil' Hater is officially boycotting the winter Olympics. Outside of watching that Visa whore of a snowboarder eat [expletive] on her way to a gold medal, I haven't watched a minute of the games. My only information comes from my brief moments of lucidity down at the local bar. So forgive me if I don't show much joy over the United States ending a 30-year drought in ice dancing. No, this isn't a rant about how ice dancing isn't a sport (it isn't), but rather they way the U.S. went about winning.
Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto may have won the silver medal, but it took an act of Congress�literally. The Canadian-born Belbin had previously won three U.S. titles, but was barred from the Olympics until she got her American citizenship. Belbin became a U.S. citizen seven weeks ago (thanks to Congress pushing through her citizenship application).
So not only did the U.S. pull some shenanigans typically reserved for Little League parents and high school boosters from the Texas, but they needed a Canadian to win an Olympic medal in ice dancing? I've never been so ashamed to be an American and remember our draft-dodging vice president just shot somebody in the face after boozing too much (Ricky Williams gets banned for pot smoking, Eddie Sutton gets crapped on for being a drunk, but a liquored up Cheney nearly kills a dude, and the dude that gets shot ends up apologizing. Yeah, that makes sense). Thank God I was made in Taiwan.
Shake the Disease
The sports world sent well wishes to former Oklahoma State coach Eddie Sutton after he relapsed into alcoholism and was cited for drunk driving. The school placed the 69-year old coach on "medical leave" and handed the job over to his son. Former players such as Doug Gottlieb wept during an interview hoping that the coach�who gave the guard turned broadcaster a second chance�could overcome his illness.
Alcoholism is a disease. Sutton needs help. He should not be held accountable because he had a relapse. Sports columnists, talk show hosts, bloggers all asked forgiveness for Sutton. He needs our thoughts and prayers as he wages a war against his sickness.
Then there is Ricky Williams. The moment word leaked that Williams had failed a drug test, the latest rounds of Williams pot jokes started to hit the internet and radio waves. The jokes, which were about as fresh as a Foghat concert*, were relentless and seemingly endless. It is as if people are downright gleeful that Williams tested positive. The mundane, cold February sports month suddenly heated up because Williams sparked up.
I was going to get a first down until I got high
I was going to win a rushing crown but then I got high
My career is still messed up and I know why
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high
I was going to...
Alright we get it, Williams likes to smoke pot. But where is the compassion for Williams? Sutton boozes up, gets in a car and endangers the lives of everybody on the road and he needs our support. He has a disease. Williams is dismissed as a pothead by every wannabe comic turned sports writer who likely partook of the drug during their college days. And who, other than a box of Wheat Thins, was in danger with Williams allegedly smoking pot?
Sutton sends his son a list of things to work on and is still in contact with the OSU basketball team despite still being on medical leave. Williams will not only be banned from the Dolphins facility, but he won't be allowed back in Miami.
People are rooting for Sutton to get a second (actually third) chance to notch career win 800 (after rehab of course because alcoholism is a disease, remember.) Wiliams is viewed as throwing his career away because he wanted to get high.
Sutton gets help to his car from the freaking police. Williams must be guilty because he was hanging out in Humbolt.
Funny thing though, it appears that Williams did not test positive for marijuana. (But please, don�t let this interfere with your fresh jokes about Janet Jones betting that Williams was going to be suspended for drug again. Really, it was funny.)
Williams is already appealing the drug test. It is hard to judge how many drug test appeals have been overturned because of the alleged confidentiality. But former Dolphins running back J.J. Johnson won his appeal in 2000.
Not that it matters. Williams could win his appeal, but the damage has been down (thanks in no small part to the league�s confidential drug test). Williams could win a rushing title, a league MVP and the Super Bowl but it would not matter. People have already decided that Williams is a bad guy because of his past transgressions. And if you ask us, that is plain sick.
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums. (*And yes we stole that Foghat joke from Kingpin.)
Alcoholism is a disease. Sutton needs help. He should not be held accountable because he had a relapse. Sports columnists, talk show hosts, bloggers all asked forgiveness for Sutton. He needs our thoughts and prayers as he wages a war against his sickness.
Then there is Ricky Williams. The moment word leaked that Williams had failed a drug test, the latest rounds of Williams pot jokes started to hit the internet and radio waves. The jokes, which were about as fresh as a Foghat concert*, were relentless and seemingly endless. It is as if people are downright gleeful that Williams tested positive. The mundane, cold February sports month suddenly heated up because Williams sparked up.I was going to get a first down until I got high
I was going to win a rushing crown but then I got high
My career is still messed up and I know why
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high
I was going to...
Alright we get it, Williams likes to smoke pot. But where is the compassion for Williams? Sutton boozes up, gets in a car and endangers the lives of everybody on the road and he needs our support. He has a disease. Williams is dismissed as a pothead by every wannabe comic turned sports writer who likely partook of the drug during their college days. And who, other than a box of Wheat Thins, was in danger with Williams allegedly smoking pot?
Sutton sends his son a list of things to work on and is still in contact with the OSU basketball team despite still being on medical leave. Williams will not only be banned from the Dolphins facility, but he won't be allowed back in Miami.
People are rooting for Sutton to get a second (actually third) chance to notch career win 800 (after rehab of course because alcoholism is a disease, remember.) Wiliams is viewed as throwing his career away because he wanted to get high.
Sutton gets help to his car from the freaking police. Williams must be guilty because he was hanging out in Humbolt.
Funny thing though, it appears that Williams did not test positive for marijuana. (But please, don�t let this interfere with your fresh jokes about Janet Jones betting that Williams was going to be suspended for drug again. Really, it was funny.)
Williams is already appealing the drug test. It is hard to judge how many drug test appeals have been overturned because of the alleged confidentiality. But former Dolphins running back J.J. Johnson won his appeal in 2000.
Not that it matters. Williams could win his appeal, but the damage has been down (thanks in no small part to the league�s confidential drug test). Williams could win a rushing title, a league MVP and the Super Bowl but it would not matter. People have already decided that Williams is a bad guy because of his past transgressions. And if you ask us, that is plain sick.
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums. (*And yes we stole that Foghat joke from Kingpin.)
I know nothing! NOTHING!
If anyone's wondered why I haven't written about "American Idol" yet this season, the answer is simple: I haven't watched it. After last year's nightmare, in which the presence of a Jersey finalist led to my writing about seven thousand articles about that season, I needed some distance from the show. No Garden Staters this time around, thankfully, but I'm sure I'll still be required (either by my editors or my own need to comment on the biggest thing on television) to write a few columns about it.
So I decided to try an experiment: I wasn't going to watch a second of the show until the semi-finals began. No humiliating auditions, no pointless soap opera in "Hollywood" (aka Glendale), no extensive clips about tracheotomies, Greek rock bands or farms. I would just wait until the interactive portion began and see if the experience was any different if I went in not knowing everyone's backstories. Since these semi-final episodes are going to be excruciatingly padded, I'm sure we'll get biographical clips at some point, but I'll get drunk and drive off that bridge when we get to it.
All I know going in this year is that there's some guy named Ace and that a girl named Paris is the front-runner. I'm going in as virginal as it's possible to be with this show. Will it change the viewing experience any? Dunno, but that's the point of any experiment (that and saving me some time and aggravation).
So I decided to try an experiment: I wasn't going to watch a second of the show until the semi-finals began. No humiliating auditions, no pointless soap opera in "Hollywood" (aka Glendale), no extensive clips about tracheotomies, Greek rock bands or farms. I would just wait until the interactive portion began and see if the experience was any different if I went in not knowing everyone's backstories. Since these semi-final episodes are going to be excruciatingly padded, I'm sure we'll get biographical clips at some point, but I'll get drunk and drive off that bridge when we get to it.
All I know going in this year is that there's some guy named Ace and that a girl named Paris is the front-runner. I'm going in as virginal as it's possible to be with this show. Will it change the viewing experience any? Dunno, but that's the point of any experiment (that and saving me some time and aggravation).
Have we not met before?
Something I forgot to mention in yesterday's "Grey's Anatomy" entry: their spontaneous orgasm patient reminded me a lot of the burn victim on last week's "House," whose own unlikely climaxes helped lead House and company towards a cure. Fortunately, last night's "House" reminded me, since they pulled the ol' Hidden Testicles Trick only a few week after "Grey's" did. I know there are only so many stories for dramas to tell, and when there are a half-dozen or so medical shows on at once, you're going to see some overlap, but "House" and "Grey's" are one more plot coincidence away from a blood feud. (And, since I've already declared that "House" and "Scrubs" are the same show, does this mean that "Grey's" and "Scrubs" are also identical? Meredith and J.D. both do thematic narration, but Mere's probably a little butcher than J.D. Hmmm...)
Couple of other quick thoughts on "House":
Couple of other quick thoughts on "House":
- Way to cast a 26-year-old to play the improbably hot 15-year-old (I'm not sure if that makes the story more or less skeevy).
- When House was laughing at Wilson's God impression during the MRI, is that the first time we've seen him genuinely smiling, and not just smirking at his own cleverness? And was I the only one who wanted Wilson to start quoting "Real Genius" and tell House to stop playing with himself? (And once they got started, the also could have included the "Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?" / "She happens to be my daughter" / "Well, then I guess you have" exchange.)
- My jaw dropped when Him/Her started to crash and two nurses rushed in instead of one of House's underlings. And here I was under the impression that the hospital had six doctors and no one else on staff.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Choose Or Loose
The exciting battle for The Hater Nation's cheerleader of the year has come down to two candidates.
The Hater Poll is on the left-hand margin. Vote!
The Hater Poll is on the left-hand margin. Vote!
McEvil?
Happy President's Day, everybody. In honor of this day, I've decided to grow a beard with no mustache and stop flossing to increase the likelihood I'll have to wear wooden teeth down the road. Needless to say, my wife is a huge fan of both decisions.
Oh, "Grey's Anatomy," you just want people to despise Meredith, don't you? Forget her sledgehammer narration or her uncanny ability to make everyone's problems be all about her, now she's about to rip the heart of George -- the most universally-liked character on the show -- into a million little pieces by using him to work out all her issues with daddy and McDreamy. Maybe the plan is to turn her into the villain of the show, like Heather Locklear or Joan Collins or Melinda Clarke, because I'm not sure how she recovers from this one with even a shred of likability intact. How was George to know he'd be making his pitch at both exactly the right time (to get laid) and wrong time (to become her boyfriend forevuh)?
Liked the rest of the episode well enough, but I was really struck by the transformation of Eric Dane, who played McDreamy's ex-pal. A few years back, he was playing a clueless intern on one of ABC's previous attempts at a hospital franchise show, "Gideon's Crossing," and he could not have been less interesting. But add a few years and lines to his face, and suddenly, he's someone who might have a career yet. I wouldn't be shocked at all if the show contrives a way to have him move to Seattle Grace, too. Eventually, the entire surgical population of Manhattan is going to get jobs there, all of them tangentially lated to the McDreamy break-up.
It's hard for me to talk about "Battlestar Galactica," since I watched Friday's episode back to back with my screener of this week's. Friday's was good, don't get me wrong -- the special effects in the space battle were among the best the show's ever had, and I liked Hey It's That Guy inner circler John Heard as the latest redshirt Pegasus commander -- but I've already started working on my entry for Friday's episode, which is a doozy and a half.
Since there's almost nothing left in theaters I want to see, and since the theatergoing experience has become so brutal (we went to see "Brokeback" last week, and a half-dozen teenage girls giggled through the entire film), I figured I'd hit the video store to fill up the long weekend. Last night was "Broken Flowers," which I liked but didn't love. Ironic detachment is Jim Jarmusch's thing (not to mention Bill Murray's), but his movies always hold me at a distance, so that even as I'm enjoying the performances (Jeffrey Wright, Sharon Stone and Chloe Sevigny were all a lot of fun), I can't fully get involved in the story.
Up next: "Mysterious Skin," in which the kid from "3rd Rock" gets molested. That oughta be a happy one.
Oh, "Grey's Anatomy," you just want people to despise Meredith, don't you? Forget her sledgehammer narration or her uncanny ability to make everyone's problems be all about her, now she's about to rip the heart of George -- the most universally-liked character on the show -- into a million little pieces by using him to work out all her issues with daddy and McDreamy. Maybe the plan is to turn her into the villain of the show, like Heather Locklear or Joan Collins or Melinda Clarke, because I'm not sure how she recovers from this one with even a shred of likability intact. How was George to know he'd be making his pitch at both exactly the right time (to get laid) and wrong time (to become her boyfriend forevuh)?
Liked the rest of the episode well enough, but I was really struck by the transformation of Eric Dane, who played McDreamy's ex-pal. A few years back, he was playing a clueless intern on one of ABC's previous attempts at a hospital franchise show, "Gideon's Crossing," and he could not have been less interesting. But add a few years and lines to his face, and suddenly, he's someone who might have a career yet. I wouldn't be shocked at all if the show contrives a way to have him move to Seattle Grace, too. Eventually, the entire surgical population of Manhattan is going to get jobs there, all of them tangentially lated to the McDreamy break-up.
It's hard for me to talk about "Battlestar Galactica," since I watched Friday's episode back to back with my screener of this week's. Friday's was good, don't get me wrong -- the special effects in the space battle were among the best the show's ever had, and I liked Hey It's That Guy inner circler John Heard as the latest redshirt Pegasus commander -- but I've already started working on my entry for Friday's episode, which is a doozy and a half.
Since there's almost nothing left in theaters I want to see, and since the theatergoing experience has become so brutal (we went to see "Brokeback" last week, and a half-dozen teenage girls giggled through the entire film), I figured I'd hit the video store to fill up the long weekend. Last night was "Broken Flowers," which I liked but didn't love. Ironic detachment is Jim Jarmusch's thing (not to mention Bill Murray's), but his movies always hold me at a distance, so that even as I'm enjoying the performances (Jeffrey Wright, Sharon Stone and Chloe Sevigny were all a lot of fun), I can't fully get involved in the story.
Up next: "Mysterious Skin," in which the kid from "3rd Rock" gets molested. That oughta be a happy one.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Drinking With Champs
Angels minor leaguer Jered Weaver was picked up for public intoxication earlier this month according to the Los Angeles Times. Seriously, the public intoxication of professional sports athletes has reached its zenith with Matt Leinart, Kyle Orton, and Ben Roethlisberger all having photos posted all over the internet recently. Give Weaver credit that he was not photographed intoxicated, but he did go the extra mile by being arrested. It's that going the extra mile that is going to make Weaver a champion on the field.
Friday, February 17, 2006
The gorgeous ladies of rasslin'
Was that, or was that not, the greatest Immunity Challenge in "Survivor" history last night? Full-contact, free-for-all, big mama Cirie sitting on people, Danielle and her implants spilling out of her bikini top about 17 times, Ruth Marie not understanding how to run... it was beautiful. Between this, the sumo challenge from Palau and Boston Rob calling out Colby and Ethan in All-Stars (one of the few highlights of All-Stars), I think it's now mandatory that we get one fighting challenge per season.
Some other quick thoughts:
Some other quick thoughts:
- Terry is looking more and more like the second coming of Tom Westman (both of them seem like they should be hanging around with the Kennedys)
- Bruce is probably lucky he keeps getting sent back to Exile Island; his "I am the greatest human being in the history of humanity" shtick is useful in small doses, but I can see it grating on sane people (i.e. not just Shane) after a few days. Frankly, I think it would be brilliant if he got sent to Exile Island every week, always for a different reason.
- Alas, Misty, we hardly knew ye. She was one of the few Survivor contestants I didn't hate on sight for trying to flirt her way to victory. I thought it was weird that Austinwas the one to bring her name up for the boot. If I was him or Nick, I would've tossed Ruth Marie PDQ to create some stall time before having to commit to an all-guy or all-young alliance once and for all.
Not a lot else to say right now, unfortunately. I'm eating, breathing and drinking "Sopranos" until further notice. I can actually tell you the name of the Elvis impersonator Big Pussy beats to death with a hammer, but I don't think I can calculate a square root anymore. C'est la vie. This is the business I have chosen.
Jon Gruden: Fun Guy
Las Vegas Review Journal gossip columnist Norm Clarke recently spotted Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden checking into the Hooters Casino Hotel. And good for Jon, he could use a little fun after the way the Buccaneers season ended (though you can bet the NFL isn�t thrilled with the thought a marquee coach gambling in Las Vegas).
Can you imagine Gruden in a casino? The dude can�t play poker because every emotion is on his face. But the dude would be a lot of fun to hang out with in Vegas. Or would he?
We were able to grab some video surveillance video from Hooters to document Gruden's trip to Las Vegas. Here it is with a written transcript beneath it.
So it looked like Gruden had a little fun on his trip to Las Vegas. Maybe he is loosening up? And that means only one thing, "The Last and Ten signs that Jon Gruden is starting to loosen up!" (Left)
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
Can you imagine Gruden in a casino? The dude can�t play poker because every emotion is on his face. But the dude would be a lot of fun to hang out with in Vegas. Or would he?
We were able to grab some video surveillance video from Hooters to document Gruden's trip to Las Vegas. Here it is with a written transcript beneath it.
"If that dealer gives me another 16, I am going to get pissed!"
"Did that guy just split tens?!?!?!"
"Blackjack! Mother [expletive]!"
"I just doubled down and you gave me a 2?"
"Did that Asian dealer just hit a five-card 21 when I had a 20?"
The players react to Gruden hitting the hard 10 on the craps table.
So it looked like Gruden had a little fun on his trip to Las Vegas. Maybe he is loosening up? And that means only one thing, "The Last and Ten signs that Jon Gruden is starting to loosen up!" (Left)
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
What About the KFC Sides?
With all that is going on in the world, from war to our vice president busting a cap into somebody�s ass, it is good to see our celebrities are focusing on what is really important:
Horse racing.
Pamela Anderson has decided to boycott the Kentucky Derby because it promotes cruelty to animals. Race fans are now ripping down centerfolds and Baywatch posters. Anderson also recently asked Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher to remove a bust of KFC's bow-tied founder, Colonel Harland Sanders, from the state capitol.
"It makes me want to avoid Kentucky all together," Anderson said. But who doesn't?
"Like most people, I don't want to support cruelty to animals, whether it's forcing horses to face for our amusement or scalding chickens alive for our plate," Anderson said. "We have to be more evolved than this."
Anderson then excused herself to have more collagen injected into her lips. (Now that is evolution.)
Believe it or not, Anderson is a member of PETA. Hard to believe, we know. It's also hard to believe that Anderson actually attended the Derby in 2001 and 2003. So either she is really stupid, or this is some sort or publicity stunt to get attention. If she really wanted more publicity how about just releasing another sex tape? It worked the first time.
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
Horse racing.
Pamela Anderson has decided to boycott the Kentucky Derby because it promotes cruelty to animals. Race fans are now ripping down centerfolds and Baywatch posters. Anderson also recently asked Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher to remove a bust of KFC's bow-tied founder, Colonel Harland Sanders, from the state capitol. "It makes me want to avoid Kentucky all together," Anderson said. But who doesn't?
"Like most people, I don't want to support cruelty to animals, whether it's forcing horses to face for our amusement or scalding chickens alive for our plate," Anderson said. "We have to be more evolved than this."
Anderson then excused herself to have more collagen injected into her lips. (Now that is evolution.)
Believe it or not, Anderson is a member of PETA. Hard to believe, we know. It's also hard to believe that Anderson actually attended the Derby in 2001 and 2003. So either she is really stupid, or this is some sort or publicity stunt to get attention. If she really wanted more publicity how about just releasing another sex tape? It worked the first time.
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
Wha happen? Nothin'
Last night was "Lost" at its absolute worst, teasing and teasing and not actually revealing anything or moving the plot forward. Oooooohhhh, the doomsday clock almost went haywire! Ooooohhhh, the balloon guy might be an Other! If it wasn't for the presence of Clancy Brown, a good performance by Naveen Andrews and the unintentional comedy of those awful CGI backgrounds to make Hawaii look like Iraq, the whole hour would've been a colossal waste of time. At this point, I almost prefer the episodes that have little to nothing to do with the mysteries of the island; at least there, you're not expecting more than you're going to get.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Go, go, go, go for G
Better late than never, I got to "Grey's Anatomy" last night. I have to applaud Shonda Rhimes for following one of the first rules of drama: she brought a bomb onstage in the first act, and she made damn sure it went off by the last, even if it had to take poor Kyle Chandler with it.
(And here I was figuring Chandler was here to help prolong the inevitable Meredith/McDreamy reunion. Ah, well; guy was good enough that, between this and "King Kong," he ought to get a good pilot role. Since Matthew Perry's playing the Sorkin part in "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," maybe Chandler could play Tommy Schlamme.)
As implausible and over-the-top and "ER"-ish as this two-parter was, I was hooked for virtually all of it. (Again, the only moments throwing me out were when Meredith and Cristina started gabbing about their love lives in the middle of this.) I didn't even laugh when McDreamy pulled a Fonzie and brought Bailey's husband back to life with a well-placed fist to the chest. (On the other hand, I laughed for a long time when Bailey told George to stop looking at her va-j-j, or however you spell it.) This is a show that's firing on all cylinders right now, and I'm damn glad to see that it actually outrated "Desperate Housewives" this week.
"Gilmore Girls," meanwhile, took a trip to Martha's Vineyard by way of Bizarro World. So Logan is likable and Luke is a whiney jerk? When the hell did this happen? Rory's continued transformation into a Stepford Wife creeps me out (and I love how Rory and Logan piss and moan about Mitchum but don't have a problem staying in his home or using his money on a trip to Asia), and I want to slap Lorelai for not telling Luke that she wants to spend time with April. At this point, I'm longing for the Lorelai/Rory split portion of the season; at least then, we got lots of Richard and Emily.
If "Housewives" can be entered at the Emmys as a comedy, then maybe "House" should, too. The migraine medicine subplot -- and, especially, Wilson's horrified realization of what House was doing at that lecture -- was hysterical.
Back to "Sopranos"-land...
(And here I was figuring Chandler was here to help prolong the inevitable Meredith/McDreamy reunion. Ah, well; guy was good enough that, between this and "King Kong," he ought to get a good pilot role. Since Matthew Perry's playing the Sorkin part in "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," maybe Chandler could play Tommy Schlamme.)
As implausible and over-the-top and "ER"-ish as this two-parter was, I was hooked for virtually all of it. (Again, the only moments throwing me out were when Meredith and Cristina started gabbing about their love lives in the middle of this.) I didn't even laugh when McDreamy pulled a Fonzie and brought Bailey's husband back to life with a well-placed fist to the chest. (On the other hand, I laughed for a long time when Bailey told George to stop looking at her va-j-j, or however you spell it.) This is a show that's firing on all cylinders right now, and I'm damn glad to see that it actually outrated "Desperate Housewives" this week.
"Gilmore Girls," meanwhile, took a trip to Martha's Vineyard by way of Bizarro World. So Logan is likable and Luke is a whiney jerk? When the hell did this happen? Rory's continued transformation into a Stepford Wife creeps me out (and I love how Rory and Logan piss and moan about Mitchum but don't have a problem staying in his home or using his money on a trip to Asia), and I want to slap Lorelai for not telling Luke that she wants to spend time with April. At this point, I'm longing for the Lorelai/Rory split portion of the season; at least then, we got lots of Richard and Emily.
If "Housewives" can be entered at the Emmys as a comedy, then maybe "House" should, too. The migraine medicine subplot -- and, especially, Wilson's horrified realization of what House was doing at that lecture -- was hysterical.
Back to "Sopranos"-land...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
What are the odds?
It's my wife Marian's birthday, and at one point today she asked me to look up things that happened on this day in history. Among the factoids I uncovered is that she shares a birthday with Florence Henderson...
... which freaked us the hell out, because I happened to share a birthday with Robert Reed.
What does this mean? Do I have to get a perm? Replace our lawn with astroturf? Hire a wisecracking maid? Host a variety show?
... which freaked us the hell out, because I happened to share a birthday with Robert Reed.
What does this mean? Do I have to get a perm? Replace our lawn with astroturf? Hire a wisecracking maid? Host a variety show?
Kwan is Out
Michelle Kwan cannot compete in the Olympics and she has been replaced with this young lady:
That's right, Deborah Gibson.
The United States Olympic Committee announced on Tuesday that they would not offer a spot to Emily Hughes, instead opting for the singer who recently appeared on Skating with Celebrities.
"Dude, it's not like Kwan had a real spot anyway," one anonymous committee member said. "It was a joke spot that we made up for Michelle so why not have a little fun with it?
"Besides, I was sort of crushing on her when I was in junior high. I still love, Only in my Dreams. Discuss your favorite Debbbie Gibson in the Hater Nation Forums.
That's right, Deborah Gibson.
The United States Olympic Committee announced on Tuesday that they would not offer a spot to Emily Hughes, instead opting for the singer who recently appeared on Skating with Celebrities.
"Dude, it's not like Kwan had a real spot anyway," one anonymous committee member said. "It was a joke spot that we made up for Michelle so why not have a little fun with it?
"Besides, I was sort of crushing on her when I was in junior high. I still love, Only in my Dreams. Discuss your favorite Debbbie Gibson in the Hater Nation Forums.
Spoke too soon (aka open thread)
So life got in the way of any TV watching, which means I still haven't seen "Grey's Anatomy." And with "Sopranos" season coming into view, every spare minute I have may be devoted to rewatching all 65 episodes for our new mondo-jumbo episode guide. So apologies if the blog gets a little skimpy for a while. I'll do the best I can.
In the meantime, today's column is a mailbag, and the first letter gives me a chance to wax philosophical on when exactly "The Simpsons" fell off a cliff creatively. And if anyone has any specific TV questions (whether it's my opinion on a show I haven't mentioned here lately, or something factual), feel free to post it in the comments and I'll do my best to answer. Fire away.
In the meantime, today's column is a mailbag, and the first letter gives me a chance to wax philosophical on when exactly "The Simpsons" fell off a cliff creatively. And if anyone has any specific TV questions (whether it's my opinion on a show I haven't mentioned here lately, or something factual), feel free to post it in the comments and I'll do my best to answer. Fire away.
Ball Hog
No, it�s not Kobe. But what about Dwayne Wade? He scored the Heat's last 17 points, including the game-winner on a 16-footer with 2.3 seconds left, as Miami edged the Detroit Pistons 100-98 Sunday.
The public (and likely this site) would have been all over Kobe if he had done that, even in beating the defending champions. But Wade is not only getting a free pass, but he is being applauded for it.
If the casual NBA fans are going to be upset with Kobe's ball hogging where is the indignation with Wade for doing the exact same thing? The Heat aren't going to be able to win it all if the doesn't include his teammates, right? Columnist lined up to call Kobe a "glory hog" and worse. Where are the editorials chastising Wade for scoring his team�s final 17 points? That obviously was a selfish act.
And where is Shaq in this whole thing? He could not have been too pleased. But there was nary a peep from the big guy.
As much fun as it is to call out Kobe (and trust us, it is fun), it is important to note the hypocrisy when it comes to Kobe.
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
The public (and likely this site) would have been all over Kobe if he had done that, even in beating the defending champions. But Wade is not only getting a free pass, but he is being applauded for it. If the casual NBA fans are going to be upset with Kobe's ball hogging where is the indignation with Wade for doing the exact same thing? The Heat aren't going to be able to win it all if the doesn't include his teammates, right? Columnist lined up to call Kobe a "glory hog" and worse. Where are the editorials chastising Wade for scoring his team�s final 17 points? That obviously was a selfish act.
And where is Shaq in this whole thing? He could not have been too pleased. But there was nary a peep from the big guy.
As much fun as it is to call out Kobe (and trust us, it is fun), it is important to note the hypocrisy when it comes to Kobe.
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
Monday, February 13, 2006
The NHL is on the Clock
Now that the NFL has finally (mercifully) played its final game, it is time to give the NHL a shot. We have not watched a single moment of hockey since the lockout/strike that negated the 2004-05 season. But The Hater Nation is nothing if not fair. So we will watch every LA Kings and Anaheim Ducks game starting today through the end of the month to give the NHL its fair shake. We will talk NHL here if we are dutifully impressed. If not, we will never speak of the sport again.
But you can make your own case for the NHL in the Hater Nation Forums.
Manning Still Doesn't Get It
Peyton Manning threw three interceptions as the NFC prevailed over the AFC, 23-17, in the Pro Bowl on Sunday. Manning, however, did not seem to learn anything from the AFC playoffs as he again pointed fingers at his teammates."I don't want to be a bad teammate here, but it sure seemed like we had some protection problems," Manning said. "I know this is supposed to be an 'All-star game,' but some people didn't seem to live up to that status.
"Not me though, I was still money. It's just that nobody could pick up a blitz and give the genius enough time to work. It is hard for me to work with these stiffs sometimes."
Reporters were quick to point out to Manning that Pro Bowl rules prohibit teams from blitzing, which should have worked into the beleaguered quarterback�s favor.
"Oh, man," Manning said. "There was really no blitzing? Wow. Well, did you see all that rainfall? I'm going to try to be a humble servant of the Lord here, but we seemed to have some weather problems from above, which prevented me from being at my best. But now I can empathize with those people who lived through Hurricane Katrina."
In true Manning fashion, he did manage to fall well short of tying the Pro Bowl individual game mark for interceptions set by Jim Hart (5).
Talk about other fake news in the Hater Nation Forums.
Yankee swap
After hearing that ESPN had traded Al Michaels to NBC for the rights to Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, I figured there was probably a good column in there somewhere. So today I suggested other inter-network trades, some serious, most not. Example:
Since there's nothing new on tonight and I'm boycotting the Olympics for as long as my bosses will let me, I'm saving "Grey's Anatomy" for this evening and will blog about it tomorrow.
The hatch on "Lost" to the WB for Chad Michael Murray: The hatch has been one plot device too many for the increasingly-convoluted "Lost." Imagine relocating it to "Gilmore Girls" -- wouldn't those Friday night family dinners be spiced up if you threw in an automatic weapons cache and a doomsday clock? And since "One Tree Hill" probably won't survive into the WB/UPN merged CW network, might as well let Murray fulfill his destiny as Gaby's new boytoy on "Desperate Housewives."You can read the whole column here. Haven't watched "Grey's" yet, but "Battlestar Galactica" did a good job with the obligatory "Die Hard" rip-off episode. (And is it a sign that I'm getting old that I immediately thought "Die Hard," while most of the message board posts I've read are referencing "24"?) Dana Delany was great as the aggrieved hostage-taker (and did the credits people make a typo or has she started spelling her name Delaney?), and I liked that Starbuck's convenient presence on the ship didn't save the day, and actually made things worse. Sci-Fi sent me an advance copy of the Lucy Lawless episode that's airing in two weeks, and while I understand the next episode is stand-alone, I'm still trying to watch them in order, and the wait is killing me. It's like someone gave me a plate of brownies and said I couldn't have one until my birthday (which is in October).
Since there's nothing new on tonight and I'm boycotting the Olympics for as long as my bosses will let me, I'm saving "Grey's Anatomy" for this evening and will blog about it tomorrow.
The Quote Board
The Raiders have notched an NFL-worst 13-35 record over the last three years, but the club still leads the league in hyperbole. Art Shell�s press conference is evidence of that. The greatness of the Raiders was on full display on Saturday during Shell�s re-introduction as head coach. All the greats such as John Madden, Todd Marinovich, Lyle Alzado�s corpse, and Cole Ford�s parole officer were all on hand to welcome the Raiders new coach.It didn't take long for the bull to fly.
"It may take us a short while, but we'll get that nastiness of the Raiders back," Al Davis said.
"I have to show them the way, the 'Raider Way,'" said Shell.
Look for the Raiders to lead the league in cheap shots again. Combine that with the mental errors that plague the Raiders and the club could be looking at the all-time mark in penalties.
"I just want to get back to the point where when we walk into a stadium, they know the Raiders are in town," Shell said.
Madden added, "I haven't been around them for a long time because I've been away doing (TV) games (and I usually only show up for money). I know there used to be (mystique). Teams didn't like coming in to the (Oakland) Coliseum. They had that feeling -- they were a little nervous and they didn't enjoy it.
"Oakland wasn't a fun place to come and play, and every game was sold out. ... In those days, there was something to it. I don't know if it's still there now. It's probably not. If it's not, it's (Shell's) job to get it back."
It looks like the Raiders fans are going to get stabby again. Nice responsibility. Shell and Madden are endorsing the Raiders fans hooliganism. So much for those fans who claim that the Raiders fans aren't violent.
At least both Shell and Davis are on the same page offensively.
"We've got to run the football better," Davis said. "We've got to run it with toughness. This guy (Shell) knows what I'm talking about."
He sure does. "I want the ability, as always to strike from anywhere on the field. That's important to me," Shell said.
Oh well, it could be worse Raiders fans, your team could try something desperate such as re-hiring Tom Walsh. Oops, early indications are that it will be Walsh who served as the club's offensive coordinator from 1982-1994.
"Everybody has a way of doing things. The Raiders have a way of doing things. We're about winning. And we will win," said Shell.
The Raiders way has won 13 games in three seasons. The Raiders twice went outside of the family to hire two guys -- Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden. Both were dismissed because they did not do things the Raiders way. Even the Bish knows how that turned out for the Raiders.
The players are excited. But you would be happy too if Norv Turner was your previous coach.
Linebacker Danny Clark said in a phone interview. "He has been in that locker room, played for that owner and knows what it's like to be in silver and black."
So in other words, Shell is already prepared for failure. Shell then went and put it all into perspective.
"We can get this done," Shell said. "But it starts with me. I have to set the tone.
"Words don't get it done."
But it is a start. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
It's Art Shell
It�s long been hard to imagine who was more stuck in the past�UCLA hoops or the Oakland Raiders. To the Bruins credit, when they hired Ben Howland a few years ago, Walt Hazzard was not a candidate.
That leaves the Raiders who proved that you can go home again (which they literally did in 1995) with the hiring of Art Shell. But this is a good thing. Even ugly people need love, too. Shell drew minimal interest as a head coach after the Raiders fired him in 1995. Likewise, the Raiders couldn�t find anybody who wanted to coach the team. Even Mike Martz decided that he would rather work for Matt Millen than call plays for Al Davis. So this marriage is perfect in a dorks-in-love sort of way.
The hiring of Shell shows just how far the Raiders have fallen in recent years. Shell was dismissed after going 9-7 in 1994�a mark that would look pretty good to Raiders fans right now. Shell�s best season came in 1990 when he led the Raiders to a 12-4 mark.
Of course, the Raiders were destroyed, 51-3, in the AFC Championship Game. That�s a return to excellence right there.
Raiders fans will be quick to point out the 54-38 record Shell put up during his first term with the Raiders. But not everybody is myopic as some of the Koolade drinking Raider Nation. This is from our reader, Foo:
Nice hire, guys.
That leaves the Raiders who proved that you can go home again (which they literally did in 1995) with the hiring of Art Shell. But this is a good thing. Even ugly people need love, too. Shell drew minimal interest as a head coach after the Raiders fired him in 1995. Likewise, the Raiders couldn�t find anybody who wanted to coach the team. Even Mike Martz decided that he would rather work for Matt Millen than call plays for Al Davis. So this marriage is perfect in a dorks-in-love sort of way.The hiring of Shell shows just how far the Raiders have fallen in recent years. Shell was dismissed after going 9-7 in 1994�a mark that would look pretty good to Raiders fans right now. Shell�s best season came in 1990 when he led the Raiders to a 12-4 mark.
Of course, the Raiders were destroyed, 51-3, in the AFC Championship Game. That�s a return to excellence right there.
Raiders fans will be quick to point out the 54-38 record Shell put up during his first term with the Raiders. But not everybody is myopic as some of the Koolade drinking Raider Nation. This is from our reader, Foo:
Let us not forget Shell�s final season: Predicted to go SB XXIX, the Raiders promptly get blown out in their first two games. Their defense, which had been so good in 1993, flounders under new coordinator John Fox, who Al brought in after he tried to demote coordinator Gunther Cunningham, the man responsible for the great play from 1993. Fox, of course, is distracted because he has knocked up one of the flight attendants on the Raiders team plane, which Al frowns upon. All the while Shell�s work ethic makes Bud Grant look like a workaholic (at least Grant won).
The season ends in perfect fashion. Needing a win over the Chiefs to make the playoffs, the Raiders completely dominate time of possession, move the ball at will, but cannot score (including an 18-play, 98-yard drive that took 11 minutes and netted nothing).
The good news for Raiders fans: Al is feeble, so maybe he will die soon. The bad news for Raider fans: Al�s mother lived to be 102. The worse news for LA: the Raiders are coming back in 2011.
Nice hire, guys.
Hater Nation Poll
Our reader, Robert T. Jefferson, has narrowed the field of Pro Bowl cheerleaders and its up to you to pick out The Hater Nation's top cheerleeder of 2005. The official Hater Poll is on your left. The winner will be announced on Feb. 20.
From the Philadelphia Eagles, Tara:
From the Denver Broncos, Renee:
From the Carolina Panthers, Amy:
From the Dallas Cowboys, Lynlee:
Make your voice heard.
From the Philadelphia Eagles, Tara:
From the Denver Broncos, Renee:
From the Carolina Panthers, Amy:
From the Dallas Cowboys, Lynlee:
Make your voice heard.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Alright, I'm In
I Lil' Hater would like to officially throw my plastic helmet into the ring to be considered the next head coach of the Oakland Raiders. A lot of my friends have told me that it would be career suicide to hold Al Davis' drool bucket under his chin. I would say that opportunities to be a head coach (even if it means playing the folly to the whole Weekend at Al�s plot) don�t come very often. And slumming here is tiresome.It's not like there is a long line to be the head coach, either. They are talking to Art f�ing Shell. Where has he been? Somebody better tell Art that Bo Jackson isn't playing for the Raiders anymore. This saddens me that the Raiders would have to go to its fall-back girl. You remember, the girl you would ask to the prom only if you couldn't get the girl you wanted. Art Shell is the fallback girl. That would then make Mike Martz the slut that nobody wants to sleep with but that�s just me. So much for the greatness of the Raiders. Nobody wants to coach this team. Well except me, of course. Here are my credentials:
If hired, I will DOUBLE the number of conference victories from the previous regime. That's right, Lil� Hater guarantees 4 wins out of every 12. As an added bonus, I vow to beat a division foe no later than the year 2009! That would ensure a 5-11 season, which would be well received in Oakland.
Lil' Hater also will not ignore the team�s best player in crunch time. Lil' Hater has even devised a scheme to get said player the ball by throwing it to him.
Forget stretching the field with the vaunted Raider's "vertical passing game." If hired, I will devise the first ever "subterrainian offense". I will build secret tunnels under the field at the Mac, to use for big plays whenever needed. I got this idea from watching game film, and Hogan's Heroes.
If you ask me, Lil' Hater seems like the best option. Be honest, what would sell better, Chuckys or Lil' Haters? The choice is obvious. Endorse me in the Hater Nation Forums.
Catching up
Forgot to do the column link yesterday, so a two-fer: today, I write about the "Arrested Development" two-hour finale (I've seen the first 90 minutes, and the first episode is by far the best), and yesterday I did a mailbag dealing with the done-in-one fate of "Emily's Reasons Why Not," a twin theory for "How I Met Your Mother," and some other errata.
Before I get to the quick reviews, a brief rant: A few nights ago, my TiVo stopped recording "The Shield" with a few minutes to go. Fortunately, it only clipped the preview and closing credits, so I didn't pay it much mind. Then last night, it clipped "The Office" with 8 minutes to go, completely deleting the third act. Now, this was the episode they were filming when I did the set visit for my story on the supporting characters, so I knew what was going to happen, but I'm still massively pissed off. And I'm apparently not the only person this keeps happening to. I usually don't bother with the celebrity interviews on "The Daily Show," but Harrison Ford said something very on point the other night: they told us that all this new technology was going to make our lives easier, but all it's done is give us more shit that people need to come to our houses to fix. Now excuse me while I hitch up my pants to my chest and get in line for the early-bird special.
So, TV... I'll start with the oldest and work my way forward this time:
"The Shield" was the first new one I'd seen in a while, since I got the first four a couple of months ago, and boy howdy was it worth the wait. Though it's predictable that Vic will always find a way out of these jams, I still loved watching Forest Whitaker flip out when he realized how badly he'd been played. I don't think Vic has any idea how difficult Kavanagh is going to make his life now. Before, it was just a case to him; now it's vendetta.
Speaking of con jobs, I should have seen Sawyer's stunt with the guns on "Lost" coming before it happened, especially after the scene where he explains the long con to Kim Dickens. (And nice to see her getting some non-"Deadwood" work.) But I was blindsided by it. This was one of the few useful flashbacks we've gotten this season; we didn't learn anything new about Sawyer, but it did at least parallel the island plot better than most have. Meanwhile, the writers seem to have recognized how much everybody hates Charlie and have turned him into a full-blown heel. (I think somebody on TWoP dubbed him "Darth Hoodie.") And we saw practically the entire cast for once, with the exception (I think) of Michael and Libby. Do you think that as Cynthia Watros was going through her whole drunk-driving public humiliation she was asking herself why they even bothered to bring her out to Hawaii in the first place?
I got to see "Veronica Mars" last week as preparation for my Diane Ruggiero profile, but it played just as well the second time, if not better. (The first time around, I didn't totally understand why Weevil was out to frame Thumper.) I like the high school-level mysteries, especially when they get to tie into the ongoing mysteries. Operation: Make Jackie Sympathetic is working like gangbusters, and Wallace's stunt with the baseballs was one of the kindest acts I've seen on TV in a long time. I didn't understand the amount of time being spent showing Logan scamming on some random uninteresting sophomore, but the reveal with her dad was perfect. Enrico Colantoni continues to be amazing; the look on Keith's face when he learned about the fixed game was heartbreaking. And Beaver pulling one over on Dick was sweet as well. Best exchange: "What's your posion?" "Emotionally unavailable women."
"Survivor: Janu Island" continues to be off to a much stronger start than Guatemala. And speaking of which, remember when I suggested that, in the show's history of batshit contestants, Bobby Jon might be the batshittiest? Not anymore; Shane has clearly sewn that title up for many seasons to come. What a drama queen baby. Wow. I'm going to love watching his inevitable demise (I hope). Current favorite players: Bruce (because martial artists are kewl, especially if they're named Bruce), Terry (because he reminds me of Tom from Palau in his superhuman challenge strength), Dan (because astronauts are kewl) and Misty (because missile engineers are kewl, and because she's the only woman contestant who hasn't done anything to annoy me yet). I'm disappointed they merged the four tribes so quickly; I would've loved watching the older women suffer and suffer for their decision to get rid of Tina.
"My Name Is Earl" was one of the better ones, particularly Earl and Randy struggling to understand the laptop ("Hey, it's another porn machine!"), Randy refusing to be paddled and, of course, the bee sting makeup. I'm just annoyed that they didn't let Earl get some. You know, he could've fixed the bus stop and then gone back to the college. There's a line between trying to make a sleazebag likable and just making him a pushover, and I think this show errs too far on the side of making Earl nice and safe.
"Office" I can't comment on until I've seen the final third (thank God for iTunes), and I still need to watch "Everybody Hates Chris" and, much as I don't want to, "The O.C." But this post is long enough already. Later.
Before I get to the quick reviews, a brief rant: A few nights ago, my TiVo stopped recording "The Shield" with a few minutes to go. Fortunately, it only clipped the preview and closing credits, so I didn't pay it much mind. Then last night, it clipped "The Office" with 8 minutes to go, completely deleting the third act. Now, this was the episode they were filming when I did the set visit for my story on the supporting characters, so I knew what was going to happen, but I'm still massively pissed off. And I'm apparently not the only person this keeps happening to. I usually don't bother with the celebrity interviews on "The Daily Show," but Harrison Ford said something very on point the other night: they told us that all this new technology was going to make our lives easier, but all it's done is give us more shit that people need to come to our houses to fix. Now excuse me while I hitch up my pants to my chest and get in line for the early-bird special.
So, TV... I'll start with the oldest and work my way forward this time:
"The Shield" was the first new one I'd seen in a while, since I got the first four a couple of months ago, and boy howdy was it worth the wait. Though it's predictable that Vic will always find a way out of these jams, I still loved watching Forest Whitaker flip out when he realized how badly he'd been played. I don't think Vic has any idea how difficult Kavanagh is going to make his life now. Before, it was just a case to him; now it's vendetta.
Speaking of con jobs, I should have seen Sawyer's stunt with the guns on "Lost" coming before it happened, especially after the scene where he explains the long con to Kim Dickens. (And nice to see her getting some non-"Deadwood" work.) But I was blindsided by it. This was one of the few useful flashbacks we've gotten this season; we didn't learn anything new about Sawyer, but it did at least parallel the island plot better than most have. Meanwhile, the writers seem to have recognized how much everybody hates Charlie and have turned him into a full-blown heel. (I think somebody on TWoP dubbed him "Darth Hoodie.") And we saw practically the entire cast for once, with the exception (I think) of Michael and Libby. Do you think that as Cynthia Watros was going through her whole drunk-driving public humiliation she was asking herself why they even bothered to bring her out to Hawaii in the first place?
I got to see "Veronica Mars" last week as preparation for my Diane Ruggiero profile, but it played just as well the second time, if not better. (The first time around, I didn't totally understand why Weevil was out to frame Thumper.) I like the high school-level mysteries, especially when they get to tie into the ongoing mysteries. Operation: Make Jackie Sympathetic is working like gangbusters, and Wallace's stunt with the baseballs was one of the kindest acts I've seen on TV in a long time. I didn't understand the amount of time being spent showing Logan scamming on some random uninteresting sophomore, but the reveal with her dad was perfect. Enrico Colantoni continues to be amazing; the look on Keith's face when he learned about the fixed game was heartbreaking. And Beaver pulling one over on Dick was sweet as well. Best exchange: "What's your posion?" "Emotionally unavailable women."
"Survivor: Janu Island" continues to be off to a much stronger start than Guatemala. And speaking of which, remember when I suggested that, in the show's history of batshit contestants, Bobby Jon might be the batshittiest? Not anymore; Shane has clearly sewn that title up for many seasons to come. What a drama queen baby. Wow. I'm going to love watching his inevitable demise (I hope). Current favorite players: Bruce (because martial artists are kewl, especially if they're named Bruce), Terry (because he reminds me of Tom from Palau in his superhuman challenge strength), Dan (because astronauts are kewl) and Misty (because missile engineers are kewl, and because she's the only woman contestant who hasn't done anything to annoy me yet). I'm disappointed they merged the four tribes so quickly; I would've loved watching the older women suffer and suffer for their decision to get rid of Tina.
"My Name Is Earl" was one of the better ones, particularly Earl and Randy struggling to understand the laptop ("Hey, it's another porn machine!"), Randy refusing to be paddled and, of course, the bee sting makeup. I'm just annoyed that they didn't let Earl get some. You know, he could've fixed the bus stop and then gone back to the college. There's a line between trying to make a sleazebag likable and just making him a pushover, and I think this show errs too far on the side of making Earl nice and safe.
"Office" I can't comment on until I've seen the final third (thank God for iTunes), and I still need to watch "Everybody Hates Chris" and, much as I don't want to, "The O.C." But this post is long enough already. Later.
Thursday, February 9, 2006
Good Luck Joey
Joey Harrington probably thought his life was miserable before. It is now going to get worse with the Lions hiring of Mike Martz. The prevailing thought among the misguided is that Martz is the master of taking mediocre quarterbacks and making them great. Uh, okay. Kurt Warner may have won a Super Bowl ring and a couple of MVP awards, but Martz is directly responsible for nearly getting him killed. Warner should look at Muhammad Ali for a portrait of his future. Marc Bulger missed eight games in 2005, as three quarterbacks saw significant playing time in St. Louis. It was the second time that has happened since 2002).
Both Warner and Bulger had a shelf life of three years because they could get rid of the football quickly, but still took a lot of punishment. Harrington has one of the worst deliveries in NFL history. If Tim Robbins was ever going to play an NFL quarterback in a movie, he would probably have a motion similar to Harrington's.
Harrington not only will struggle under Martz, but he will probably be released before the season starts. If Harrington does stay in Detroit he hopefully will buy an industrial strength blender to prepare his dinner.
But hey, if you are in my fantasy league please ignore these facts and make Harrington your No.1 quarterback. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.
Pardon the split screen
So Tony Kornheiser is going to be the third man in ESPN's "Monday Night Football" booth, huh? Not a bad idea. This is the hiring ABC should've made instead of Dennis Miller; Tony's funny, but he also knows sports and doesn't feel a need to prove he's hipper than the room.
But here's my concern: Tony is deathly afraid to fly, so, like John Madden, he's going to travel to and from the games by bus. That works fine for Madden, who has a once-a-week gig, but Tony has a little five-day-a-week show I like to call "Pardon the Interruption." ESPN has already said that Wilbon will fly to the site of that week's game so the Monday show can feature the two of them in person. But if the game's in San Francisco, or Seattle, or Arizona, no way Tony's going to be back in D.C. in time for the Tuesday show, or maybe the Wednesday one. (Depends on whether the Korn-Crusier has more than one driver so it can travel all day and night.)
An ESPN publicist told me that they're still ironing out the details, and if Tony's not back to the studio in time for a show, they'll try to stop at some TV station along the road and do a split-screened show. Makes logistical sense, but anyone who watches "PTI" every day (it and "The Daily Show" are my only daily fixes) knows that the show is never as good when Tony and Wilbon aren't in the studio together. (Though that's still better than a guest appearance by Dan LeBatard.) If they're going to be regularly separated during football season because Tony's on a bus passing through Eau Claire or Tulsa, "PTI" is going to suffer. And because I can't stand the sound of Joe Theisman's voice, I care a hell of a lot more about what's going to happen to "PTI" than I do about the new Monday night team.
But here's my concern: Tony is deathly afraid to fly, so, like John Madden, he's going to travel to and from the games by bus. That works fine for Madden, who has a once-a-week gig, but Tony has a little five-day-a-week show I like to call "Pardon the Interruption." ESPN has already said that Wilbon will fly to the site of that week's game so the Monday show can feature the two of them in person. But if the game's in San Francisco, or Seattle, or Arizona, no way Tony's going to be back in D.C. in time for the Tuesday show, or maybe the Wednesday one. (Depends on whether the Korn-Crusier has more than one driver so it can travel all day and night.)
An ESPN publicist told me that they're still ironing out the details, and if Tony's not back to the studio in time for a show, they'll try to stop at some TV station along the road and do a split-screened show. Makes logistical sense, but anyone who watches "PTI" every day (it and "The Daily Show" are my only daily fixes) knows that the show is never as good when Tony and Wilbon aren't in the studio together. (Though that's still better than a guest appearance by Dan LeBatard.) If they're going to be regularly separated during football season because Tony's on a bus passing through Eau Claire or Tulsa, "PTI" is going to suffer. And because I can't stand the sound of Joe Theisman's voice, I care a hell of a lot more about what's going to happen to "PTI" than I do about the new Monday night team.
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