Duke Suspends Hoops Program

Duke University has announced that it has temporarily suspended the men�s basketball program after star J.J. Manning was arrested for drunk driving early Tuesday morning. The university stated that it wanted to take time to look into the matter and make a fair and accurate decision. Mike Krzydgvihjorfgdcrtski also is facing pressure to resign as men�s basketball coach and an announcement could come as early as the end of this week.

�We had to do something,� a Duke spokesman said on a request of anonymity. �We would look like [expletive] tools if we dropped the hammer on a club sport, but went out and released a statement backing a basketball player who was caught red [expletive] handed. No respectable university would ever do that. No sports program is bigger than Duke University.�

Krzymaduyiueuaski also issued a statement that backed his former player who will appear in the upcoming NBA draft on June 28. The coach noted that Manning was one of the most skilled players he ever had at Duke and should have a bright future in the NBA.

�Hey, we need to be serious here for a second,� Krzymklfdjreauski said. �J.J. is a great kid, who I armed not only for basketball, but for life. It�s not like he rapped a couple of black girls like the lacrosse team. Remember them? How about an update there. Really.

�Besides, this won�t even have an impact on his NBA career. If anything, by being able to handle a car when he is drunk, he showed that he is already a better driver than Bobby Hurley.�