The Weak Ender

Have you ever noticed the frighteningly similar parallel between Cowgirl and the Sports Dork? The Net is littered with Sports Dork comparrison, but Cowgirl might be the best example. Both are Internet phenoms, both had the incredible fortune of being in the right place at the right time and both have unreadable columns on major media outlets. It is crazy. Of course, the Sports Dork is kind of a smug, self-satisfied a-hole, kind of like Dennis Miller in his post SNL years. Cowgirl at least seems like she is in on the joke with the rest of us. And let's face it, she looks much better in a tank top.

The Dork is now starting to take a lot of shots from around the web and, as pioneers in this field, it is nice to finally see. Kind of like the Lions fans who were against the Matt Millen hiring from the beginning rejoicing in the glow of all of those Fire Millen signs. (Though this might have taken too long.) At the current rate, it will only be a matter of time before the Dork is on the Surreal Life 10. Which, of course, would be the highlight of his life.

(And yes, THN would take Sports Dork money, so don't bother.)

• The 9-1-1 tape from the T.O. apparent suicide has been released. But many of you might not know that T.O. is doing a reality TV Show. If you want to check out the footage of what happened, you can watch it here.

• It would be really disappointing if T.O. did try to commit suicide by taking pills. You would expect something cool like the opening scenes of the Last Boy Scout, not something that had all of the drama of your average ABC After School Special.
  

• It's now safe for the entire world to no longer care about the Saints this week. So much so, that you should pick the Panthers to win on Sunday. Do not underestimate that emotional let down the Saints will have this week. It�s coming. That is your NFL lock of the week. The Patriots also are a goood bet for this reason.

• Was there a happier guy than Terrance Kiel this week? The Chargers arrest was timed perfectly with the T.O. scandal and it was bumped to the back pages. Who is his PR guy, Karl Rove? (C'mon, that was funny.)
  

• Apologies for actually getting a couple of college games right last week. So take these picks with caution: Ohio State, Oregon and Boise State to cover.

• Former Chargers defensive back Rodney Harrison is not afraid of running his mouth, even landing in a war-of-words with new THN hero Chad Johnson. Harrison's response to Johnson saying that he will knock his head off: �He's a funny guy. This is the way he brings humor to the game and keeps himself energized. I know it's all in fun. He didn't mean anything personal about it. This is kind of similar to the Freddie Mitchell gig, but Chad is not on that level of receiver," Harrison said. "He's not as good as Freddie." Point Harrison

• Whose rug is better, the Bish or Peyton Manning in that phone commercial?

• People are expecting an awful lot from the Chargers this week; especially quarterback Philip Rivers. But before you get too excited, remember that Ryan Leaf had an excellent first two starts before melting down against Kansas City in his third game, essentially ruining his career. If Rivers has a bad game this week, look for the Chargers to cocoon him from the media in the aftermath.

AND FINALLY
Did anybody see the reports that the league's interest in the Los Angeles has taken a hit since Roger Goodell took office. You mean that Goodell went back on his word about the NFL and Los Angeles? Why, that is just unprecedented. As it has been reported here on THN (for months), your only chance for NFL football in LA is the Raiders relocating in 2011. Embrace it, or fear it, it is the only hope.

He's a very neat monster

Two columns this morning, one of which hasn't been posted yet. The one that has is a review of "Dexter," which will go into the blog rotation this weekend. (The other column is on "Doctor Who," which I also intend to start reviewing her after catching up on the first season over the past few weeks). Anyway, "Dexter":

Dexter Morgan is a serial killer, but it's okay, because he's the good kind.

Dexter doesn't kill just anyone, you see. He only kills other serial killers. Real scum of the earth types -- rapists and pedophiles, to boot -- we're all better off without.

Moral relativism doesn't usually have a place on network TV, but it's worked well for cable outfits like HBO and FX. They've made money hand over fist by getting viewers to identify with mob bosses, dirty cops and their ilk by placing them in worlds where, no matter how bad their behavior is, someone else's is worse.

Showtime dipped a toe in these murky waters with "Weeds," but a suburban mom who deals pot to pay the bills barely even seems like an outlaw figure anymore. An ongoing drama with a serial killer for a hero, on the other hand... that's going to get noticed. And it should. Sick, twisted and darkly funny, "Dexter" is easily the best drama in Showtime history, and maybe the series that finally puts the 30-year-old channel on the map.

To read the rest, click here.

Survivor: Racial harmony

"Survivor" spoilers just as soon as I gather up the nearby members of my race to form an alliance...

Well, it was nice to see that the racial segregation twist lasted a whole two episodes -- or, if you prefer, one episode longer than last spring's gender/age splits -- but I think if Burnett, Probst, Shelly and company were looking to see whether people would align by ethnicity or what was strategically wise, they messed up by doing things in this order. Players' default loyalties are always to their original tribemates, and what we saw with the new Aitu was the white people and the Asian people sticking together, then teaming up to get rid of the others as needed. That's not anything to do with race; it's that these people knew each other much better than they knew anybody from the black or Latino teams. In this area, I think the show would have been much more interesting if they'd started with integrated tribes, then quickly merged or shuffled to see which was stronger: the bond of the first eight or nine days, or a shared cultural background.

(What was semi-interesting was that Ozzy put together an alliance of people from all four teams, which Jonathan and Yul quickly ripped apart by stealing their respective racial/tribal mates.)

It's annoying that most of the likable people (with the exception of Nate and Cristina) wound up on the losing team, while most of the hateable people (with the exception of Ozzy) wound up on the winning side. I think Jonathan could have chosen a bit more wisely; since he couldn't choose Adam quickly and Brad couldn't choose Yul quickly, he should have grabbed Nate or J.P. for a little more team brawn. As it was, they were badly outmuscled in what was one of my favorite challenges of all time when they did it in Palau. (This was the contest that firmly established the awesomeness of Tom and Ian, and it's pretty much what Stephenie's legend was built on.) Here, it went by very quickly and exactly as you would have expected from looking at the respective line-ups.

With only one challenge, and a brief one at that, plus no need to show Candice looking for an idol that wasn't there, we got more characterization and strategery than usual, which I liked, even when I didn't like the people. Parvati in particular is pathetic; I hate the flirt your way to the top strategy no matter who does it, but a girl as relatively pretty as she is shouldn't look so incredibly desperate when she's hitting on guys the way she was with octopus-catcher Nate.

What did everybody else think?

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Hey, it�s me, Pat the Patriot. I�ll be honest with you; most Patriots fans are like Raiders fans without the spiked shoulder pads. They won�t have much to cheer for this year. And while I have now doubt the Pats will win the AFC east, I have three reasons why they will not be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy this year. And it has nothing do with Cadillac not wanting to give Tom Brady another Escalade.

1) Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli make George Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman look like the guys from Google: Did you see the sidelines during week two? A cameraman tried to get a shot of RB Corey Dillon being looked at by trainers, but some member the Foxboro Gestapo stood in front of the camera with his arms crossed like a bouncer at a strip club. (Believe me, I know.) With cryptic press conferences, fascist gag orders for players, no nonsense hard-nosed contract negotiations, Bill Belichick has created a Saddam-like cult of personality.

Losing popular stars Lawyer Milloy and Ty Law worked out well, but it will catch up with the Ambiguously Gay Duo. Trading McGinest was the good. Letting Vinateri get swooped up by the only real rival the Patriots is stupid. Matt Millen stupid. THEN Belichick and Pioli put their pride up against Deion Branch�s and now the receiving corps consists of untested rookies, a former Charger with hands almost as bad as Koren Robinson�s, Troy Brown, and a Raider, the WRONG Raider. The Patriots way of doing business seems to have finally caught up with them.

2) The curse of the star running back: I wouldn�t want to be rookie running back Laurence Maroney. Sure he is having a great year, but that just means his time with the Patriots is nearly over. There is another curse in New England sports and that is the football team never has a star running back. Don�t believe me, than what happened to this guy after he ran for 1,115 yards in 1998, or this guy after he became the only Patriot RB to string together three 1,000-yard seasons? I�ll tell you. One went on to be the Joe Theismann of beach football and the other went on to be one of the greatest RBs of all time � for the New York Jets! But back to this season�s running tandem, all those drunk frat boys from Boston with faux Irish pride will enjoy a one-two punch in the backfield until Corey Dillon goes down week six with a broken foot. Then Maroney will step up, have a great season, hold out for a new contract and get traded to the Buffalo Bills. Once there, he will go on to a Hall of Fame career and the greatest Patriot RB ever will still be Sam Cunningham.

3): Tom Brady is too preoccupied to lead the team. Brady claimed he was off his game this season because he was preoccupied with the Branch debacle. Hey Tommy, how about you are busier than Peyton Manning hawking products. Brady doesn�t do the big products that get all the exposure but he does the magazine shots for products like Movado watches, Nike and Sirius Satellite Radio. It will probably get worse after his movie star girlfriend blows up with her new television show Six Degrees airing Thursdays at 10pm ET on ABC (THN got big bucks for that plug) and Brady will have to show up at every premiere and follow her around like a kept man. Perhaps the QB with the movie star looks can take a page from endorsement whore rival Manning and learn how to sell play action and Visa cards.

Prediction: The Patriots go 10-6, win the AFC East and bow out wild card weekend against the Jags. Then finally real sports fans won�t have to listen to Patriots/Red Sox fans talk about their championship teams back home. While we are on that, if it is so great back there then why are you and your accents and crappy Red Sox hats living in California, Phoenix, Seattle or wherever. Go home!

Grey's Anatomy: You're kidding, right?

"Grey's Anatomy" spoilers comin' right up...

What is it with dramas this week where the last five minutes has to totally go and ruin an episode I was otherwise enjoying? After last week's disjointed, over-expository episode, this felt more like "Grey's" proper: sexy, silly, a little bit poignant and not too heavy-handed. Then came the last coupla scenes and I was back to looking for bricks to throw at the set. (Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse where we're forced to go out and buy a plasma...)

I knew that Shonda was going to contrive to bring Izzy back into the program at some point, but I didn't think it would be this soon or this easy. First, no bleeping way Bailey deserves any blame for what happened. Her whole bit about going soft after having a kid sounded like something written by Archie Bunker or Louie DePalma. "Oh, you can't trust the broads who work for you after they get knocked up! So don't let 'em!" Second, no bleeping way is Izzy allowed back in any kind of medical program, unless it's one where she's a guinea pig for an anti-psychotics drug trial. Blech.

Almost as bad was the show attempting to give the moral high ground back to McDreamy. Dude, whatever happened in New York ceased to count in any kind of grievance tally once you agreed to take Addison back and give things another guy. You're the dick who cheated on her, you're the one who knew that she found the panties, and still you act like her getting back together with Mark justifies what you did? Wow. I didn't think it was possible for me to dislike anyone on this show more than Meredith, but congratulations, big guy.

There was so much good stuff up until then -- Callie getting off on George's jealousy, Alex hooking up with the cancer patient, Cristina battling with Burke's parents (Julia and Shaft, respectively; maybe Burke's mom was the one who wrote Bailey's speech?), Addison getting drunk, the pathologically truthful neuro patient, Callie dancing in her skivvies (and Meredith's description of her to George), etc. -- but that last act really left a bad taste in my mouth.

What did everybody else think?

The Office: Stop. Hammermill time!

Spoiler thoughts on "The Office" just as soon as I unbutton my top button...

"The Convention" wasn't nearly as funny as "Gay Witch Hunt," but it served several important story purposes: 1)It advanced the Jim and Pam story (and am I the only one who wonders whether Pam was hoping Michael would mention her date to Jim?); 2)It provided the foundation for why Jan will choose to have Scranton absorb Stamford instead of the other way around (again, assuming they follow the path of the British show); 3)Like the Tim Meadows and Valentine's Day episodes last year, it provided a rationale for Michael's continued employment in spite of all the awful stuff he pulls like the gay witch hunt. The British show could get away with David Brent being an unproductive boss as well as a complete ass because there were only a dozen or so episodes. This show should hit at least 100 episodes.

Which isn't to say that the episode was lacking in funny bits. In particular, the Pam's date subplot gave Jenna Fischer plenty of great reaction opportunities. I've been in social groupings where an attractive member of the group suddenly became single and all the men tripped over each other in a pathetic attempt to move in while they could. (Kevin: "If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that!")

To name just a few other good bits:

• The entire break room scene with Creed, Meredith and "Andrea." (Did you catch that Creed just started eating Angela's food?)
  
• Phyllis and Stanley giving Pam advice on the implications of ordering
• Kelly shoving fries in Ryan's mouth (also Ryan's reaction to Michael's "fun jeans")
• Jim walking in on Angela in Dwight's room
• Michael and Dwight beat-boxing

What did everybody else think?

Beautiful Betty

In this morning's column, I review "Ugly Betty," one of my two or three favorite new shows of the season:

Some TV shows need months, even years, to find their voice.

"Ugly Betty" needs five seconds.

The opening shot of this enormously appealing new series is a tight close-up of star America Ferrera, her hair badly styled, her eyes framed by thick red glasses, a hint of a tacky plaid suit jacket. Her lip quivers nervously, and we cut to the words "UGLY BETTY" in big, Day-Glo block letters, then back to Betty as she smiles broadly and we see that some malicious orthodontist has welded the grillwork of an Escalade to her teeth.

In that quick juxtaposition of how awful Betty looks and how happy she feels, the show establishes both its key theme of substance over style and its arch, self-aware sense of humor. "Ugly Betty" may have some Important Stuff to say about the emptiness of beauty, but not at the expense of a good laugh.

To read the rest, click here.

UPDATE: So, what say the rest of ya's?

Training Videos of Future

Do you have a son that plays football? Do you want him to play well? Do you want him to receive the best instruction available? Do you want him to play at his very best? Do you want him to one day reach the NFL?

Do you want him to eventually be so good that he is doggedly pushed by his coach so hard that he eventually tries to commit suicide?

Then be the first on your block to order the Bill Parcells Backyard Drills for Future Depressed Superstars.



If your son does not reach the NFL and swallow a handful of pills by the time he is 30-years-old, you get your money back. Guaranteed.

You Are Not Evil

Many of you likely had a similar reaction when you found out that Terrell Owens had attempted suicide last night:

I hope he is okay.

No, it was likely, "Who has him in our fantasy league? And please let it be that jerk (insert name here). "

You are not evil for thinking this. It's natural to think about this. Although many people who drafted T.O. might be looking for some spare pills in the medicine cabinet right now.

Although there are a few questions that remain to be answered that most of you are probably thinking of right now. Namely, where was Donovan McNabb when all of this went down? He and his mother had better have their alibis checked out. You know the CSI team is looking for cans of tainted Chunky Soup in his trashcan right now.

The next obvious question would be, what is Tom Cruise's reaction to all of this? We all know that Cruise was upset with Brooke Shields when she took anti-depressants. So is Cruise going to reach out to T.O. or is his relationship with Redskins owner Daniel Snyder going to make him remain silent? We will have our answer if Cruise recommends more drugs.

Bottom line, don't be ashamed for wondering about fantasy league ramifications. People have enough real-life worries without being concerned about NFL players who are either crying out for help or really desperate in their attempts for publicity. Either way, it is a sad story and people should be thankful for what they have and whom they didn't draft in their fantasy league.

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Biker boy

Today is my first non-review column in a while, as I look at some notable ratings performances from premiere week (plus Monday night, where "Heroes" opened big, "Studio 60" continued to do meh and "Runaway" ceased to exist).

Since there's already a thread for "Gilmore Girls," and since "House" is quickly becoming a show whose goodness is consistently specific, I don't have much to say about it, save that House was funnier than usual (especially answering Cutty's phone, quoting "Casablanca" to an oblivious Thong Girl, and in the "You can't stop our love!" bit from the previews).

So that leaves "Smith," which I'll discuss in more detail just as soon as I finish calling all of my spouse's known associates...

The good:

• Virginia Madsen got more of the focus, even if her story was inherently repetitive.
• More Shohreh Aghdashloo, too.
  
• The show is following up on Annie's screw-up with the tasered woman (there were better ways to brush her off in the first place, and once put in that position in the alley, she probably shouldn't have let her live).
• The placeholder robbery story involved the three most interesting members of the crew.
  

The bad:

• The motorcycle chase was beyond cheesey, and it kept gooooooooing. I'm not inherently opposed to chase scenes, but they either need to be shot with a hell of a lot more flair than we got here, or the emotional stakes need to be a lot higher. This was just a bad time-filler.
  
• There was a witness to Jeff killing the bad surfer dudes? Huh? Wha? The whole point of the way that sequence was shot was how beautiful and isolated the spot was; if there was anyone within a distance to actually witness the killing, they wouldn't have gotten a good enough look for a police sketch. (And what homicide cop lets a drug dealer keep the sketch of a murder suspect he has the motive and the means to track down and kill on his own?)
• The use of the temple from "The Usual Suspects" as the meeting place. I get that it's a beautiful location, but one of the best, most famous crime movies of the past decade used it prominently in almost exactly the same circumstance. Not as lame as that time Wells tried to steal The Board from David Simon's "Homicide" book for an early '90s cop show he was doing, but still something that invites unflattering comparisons.

The meh:

• I don't mind seeing an occasional smaller robbery in between the crew's bigger scores, but even that's not going to be realistic every week. I wonder what an episode without any kind of heist will look like.
  

The ugly:

• Ray Liotta's face scares me. It just does.

What did everybody else think?

Gilmore Girls: Not quite right

This morning's review of the "Gilmore Girls" season premiere:

"I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica! I couldn't believe it. I got my roommate and showed him. I said, 'Look at this -- everything's been replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'" -- Steven Wright

Watching the season premiere of "Gilmore Girls," I couldn't stop thinking of that bit of vintage Wright. The show looks the same, the actors are the same, they're behaving in a consistent fashion, and yet... exact replicas.

To read the full column, click here. And if that's not enough reviewin' for one morning, my column on Ted Danson's "Help Me Help You" is here.

UPDATE: Now that "Gilmore" has aired, what sayeth the rest of you?

ESPN Rewrites History

ESPN erroneously reported during his Monday Night Football telecast that the Birds were going to replace Kurt Warner at quarterback with Matt Leinart. Turns out that it is not true. Dennis Green might have thought about it (as is natural in team sports), but that didn't stop ESPN, trying to remain relevent in the change climate of sports reporting, from running with the conjecture. (And they acuse other blogs of being irresponsible.)

Funny thing though, it turns out that the Cardinals are goign to go with Warner as their starting quarterback on Saturday.

So how does ESPN report the news: �Cards Change Mind.� Really? Outside of the fabrication of Chris Mortensen, when exactly did the Cardinals change their mind? The Cardinals never announced they would start Leinart, despite the misconceptions set forth by the World Wide Leader. Maybe the headline should read, �ESPN Tries To Cover Its Butt.� Shameful, but not surprising seeing that the same network broadcast a complete fabrication of the path to 9/11.

Lil' Hater's Tuesday Rewind

You know it is a big game when Ed �Big Guns� Hochuli is officiating. But here is a question that I have. NFL players get fined all of the time for not wearing a proper uniform. Players can�t wear cutoff jerseys or have their socks too low. The league has an official watching uniforms every game. So why in the hell does Big Guns get to wear an altered referee uniform? The sleeves hang past the elbow on all of the officials, but Eddie is running around with a practically sleeveless referee jersey. Like he is AC Slater or something. Or maybe Ed is wearing a child�s medium jersey, but in any event, he should be required to wear the same uniform as everybody else. Jerk!

Speaking of Eddie Guns, I personally would have liked to have seen a mug-off between him and Bono. Put them in a cage and watch them fight to see who could get the most airtime. Are there two people on this planet more in-love with their own voices than Eddie Guns and Bono? Oh, and nice musical selection, NFL. You jerks. When you think of the great jazz history of New Orleans, you think of U2 and Green Day. Yeah, yeah, Edge is helping buy guitars for people. Big deal. This was supposed to be about New Orleans. And isn't it curious that a large section of those affected in New Orleans were African American, but where was the Hip Hop representation? Kanye West wasn�t there. New Orleans native Master P wasn't there. Hell, even the Saints weren�t allowed to wear black jerseys. Jerks.

But I would be remised, when talking about mugging, if I didn�t mention an Archie Manning sighting. Is there an opportunity he won't pass up? It�s kind of ironic that Archie was in the building, seeing that he was like the Hurricane Katrina of Saints quarterbacks. That hurricane didn't come close to doing the amount of damage that Archie did during his tenure in the dome.

The game itself was a snore. Good God, there hasn't been a team that shutdown Mike Vick like that since his opponent in those Brisco County High School ads for Nike. (If you start a Falcons receiver in fantasy football, you deserve to lose each week. Just thought I'd throw that out there.) They also picked the wrong opponents for the Saints, too. They should have had the Cowboys in this game. America's team against the so-called America�s team. With T.O. there would have been a chance he could have done something totally tasteless when he scored a touchdown like poured a water bottle on the Saints logo, fake defecation in a box in the end zone corner, or maybe he could have looted a loaf of bread from underneath the goal post. At least the game would have been interesting.

And while I'm on a rant here, let�s just say you can see how much the hard times have hit Reggie Bush's family as they are now dressed worse than they were when he was in USC. He obviously isn�t making as much money now.

I would also be remised if I didn�t mention that the broadcasters wanted me to break the levees again. It might have been worth the damage to the city if we could have trapped Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann indefinitely in the Super Dome. Tirico, during the showing of pictures of devastation, kept talking about how, "you could never imagine this happening in America." Oh really, Mike? Have you never seen Cabrini Green in Chicago? Downtown Detroit? It happens in America all the time, Mike. This is just the only time you will admit that it does. And Theismann, for the second time in as many weeks, was saying that you can�t win the NFL without big receivers. This coming from a guy who won a Super Bowl with a receiving corps known as �The Smurfs.� Idiot.

I am just glad it is over. The Saints can go back to losing and the rest of you can now turn a blind eye as Tom Benson moves the team to Anaheim. Jerks.

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Studio 60: Is that all there is?

"Studio 60" episode two spoilers, just as soon as I figure out what "intellectual reach-around" means...

Oh, Sorkin, you keep getting me and you keep losing me.

You had me when Amanda Peet stopped trying to act with her smile alone and made me actually believe that Jordan could exist ("Clear it" was a nice line); then you lost me in her meeting about the network affiliates, where she got about 17 different things wrong about the TV business. (Notably the idea that she's bullet-proof on Friday nights because the movie studios need to advertise their product. Hey, Jordan; by 11:30 on a Friday night, the battle for who's going to win that weekend's box office is all but over, which is why Thursdays in primetime is when the heavy movie ad dollars are spent.)

You had me when you gave Matthew Perry more to do and he proved up to the challenge. Could he be any more of a leading man? (Sorry. Must... resist... Chandler!) He could do goofy (his belief in the doomsday clock's sentience), hostile (dressing down the badly-dressed writing staff, threatening to bench Harriet), inspired (dreaming up the cold open), etc. He's really showing all the colors. Then you lost me by making Harriet so shrill and annoying. Hey, I get that you're trying to have the last word in that particular relationship, but let it go already.

Speaking of not letting things go, you lost me when you had to dredge up your Television Without Pity fiasco again, after already looking so lame on the subject in "The U.S. Poet Laureate." I'll have you know that I'm not writing this in my pajamas -- though my t-shirt does have a hole in the armpit. So there.

You also lost me with the prayer circle. WTF? IM,WTFF? I totally believe this is something Harriet would want to do, and maybe one or two other people in the cast, but everyone? The way it was presented, this is A)a long-standing tradition, and B)something where the lead prayer job gets rotated. Just not buying it, not even as something the others do to appease Harriet, since she hasn't been written so far as someone who forces her faith on others. The first episode established that she was "the religious one," and showbiz in general tends to be one of the most agnostic professions I know of. The whole scene felt like a very forced attempt by Sorkin to show that, in spite of all the anti-Christian jabs of the last two hours, he doesn't hate all Christians. Don't you see? They prayed together! Did you see that? Are you looking?

But the big You Lost Me moment comes right at the end, when Matt's big sketch, the idea he's been fretting about for the whole episode, the one that's supposed to signal the beginning of a creative renaissance at "Studio 60," the one that the whole Eureka! scene with the tight close-ups and soaring music wanted us to believe is just brilliant... well, it sucked.

Okay, maybe it didn't suck. It was kind of clever, in a college drama revue night sort of way. But as the saving grace of a big-budget, allegedly cutting-edge sketch comedy TV show? No. Not at all. Not even when they dress it up with the orchestra and the opera singers. It's not something I would be stunned to see on the real "SNL," but that's the whole point; if the real "SNL" did it, I would shrug and wonder when they were going to get to the new Digital Short.

(And speaking of the real "SNL," I understand Aaron not wanting to offend the people there too much, hence the acknowledgment that that show co-exists with "Studio 60" in this universe, but all that does is make "Studio 60" seem like a pale imitation. That whole bit where Matt and Danny rattle off Wes' credentials and suggest they'd rather be sitting in Lorne Michaels' chair? Huh? Wha? Wes isn't some visionary; he's the guy who ripped of "SNL" and called it "Fridays," only it's still on the air 20 years later.)

On top of everything else, after making such a big deal about how Matt and Harriet's relationship fell apart while she was promoting her record, we actually hear her sing and she's not very good. I mean, Sarah Paulson's voice is better than mine, but would need a whole lotta Studio Magic to sound good on a CD. And given how much the show tries to sell us on the characters' creative integrity, I don't believe she's the sort of person who would enter a branch of the entertainment industry for which she wasn't qualified.

Because this show is about the creative process -- much moreso than "Sports Night," or "The West Wing" (where we only ever heard snippets of the speeches Sam and Toby wrote) -- we have to on some level believe in the characters' talent, believe that Matt and Danny are making the show better, and if this is the best Aaron (not a trained sketch comedy writer) can do, that's going to be an uphill fight. (Wisely, he declined to show us any of "Crazy Christians," which couldn't remotely live up to the hype it got in the pilot. So much for all of Jordan's talk about how they should open the show with it.) He keeps telling us one thing is going on when we can clearly see it's something else, and unless he can import people capable of writing a great sketch (or, in the case of Mark McKinney, who's on the writing staff but treated like a researcher, let them write for him), I don't see this big fat problem going away.

And then, just as I was ready to write the show off altogether, we get that shot of Matt realizing that the doomsday clock has started again, and he had me again -- at least for another week. But my faith in the power of Sorkin is really being tried here.

What did everybody else think? And was I the only one weirded out by a Lou Grant reference one week after Ed Asner played the head of NBS' parent company?

Thoughts on Heroes?

I showed you mine; now you show me yours. (Or something less unfortunately euphemistic than that.)

HIMYM & The Class: Apartments and houses

Skipped over "Prison Break" so I could toggle between the CBS comedies and the first game at the Superdome in 21 months. Feel free to spoil me; while I like it, it's become skippable to me.

Spoilers for "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Class" just as soon as I put up some drywall...

Interesting parallel theme here, as each show's best line revolved around real estate: Lily's "The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall!" and Duncan's "This place is not well-built!" And the latter is really to Jon Bernthal's credit. Lily's line is funny in and of itself, though Alyson Hannigan's delivery was perfect, but "This place is not well built!" is funny entirely because of the goofy pride Bernthal invests in it.

That line, and Duncan demonstrating all the things wrong with the house, were easily the highlight of the second "Class." The scenes with Holly and the three gay men were a complete waste; not only is Holly's husband a cheap gay joke, but they used him to make cheap accent jokes. (And Kyle's partner's accent isn't even that thick.) The scenes with the other quartet were up and down, though I liked Richie's look of resignation after realizing his bad timing with the pills.

Still, the fact that I laughed out loud three or four times marked this as a significant improvement over the pilot for me. But as I've said, others have told me I'm out of my gourd on this one. What say you?

Meanwhile, "HIMYM" continues to fire on all cylinders: Barney's magic, the fast-forwarded conversation about "candy," Ted mocking Robin's Canadian heritage, the real version of Lily's summer in "SF" (including the exact same dialogue, just with different emphasis), and, of course, Marshall's revenge on Barney. I like that they're willing to allow Barney to be a total sleaze; I was afraid that he had some kind of noble motive for swiping Marshall's women, but thankfully, he's just an ass.

I suppose it would be too easy for Marshall to just take Lily back, plus it would create two happy couples plus Barney, but I prefer the show with the soap quotient as low as possible.

David Fisher goes Hannibal Lecter

Reason #357 why I'm happy I got to watch the entire season of "The Wire" already: Because this Sunday night at 10, Showtime is premiering "Dexter," in which Michael C. Hall from "Six Feet Under" plays a medical examiner by day, serial killer by night. The catch is, as created by Jeff Lindsay in "Darkly Dreaming Dexter," Dexter only kills other serial killers. Based on the three episodes I watched today, this one's going to be at or near my Must-Watch list for a while. Very sick, and very cool. Full review to follow on Friday. Just wanted to put it out there for those of you who subscribe to Showtime.

The Post Mortem

Where is your Messiah now? Eli is easily the best garbage time quarterback in the history of the NFL. Eli had three interceptions when the game was on the line in the first half. He followed that up with three touchdown passes when his team was down by 38 points. The national and New York media have killed Alex Rodriguez for padding his stats in non-clutch situations.

Eli is worse.

Much, much worse.

Even last week's game against the Eagles was a fluke. Eli had no problem heaving the ball when his team trailed Philadelphia by 17 points. Eli certainly would have found the hands of an Eagles receiver if the game was on the line. Even the game-winning touchdown pass was dangerously under-thrown and had it not been for a great athletic play of Plaxico Burress, that ball should have been picked.

You can't help by feel like Frank Grimes from The Simpsons when you hear the broadcast professionals (and Joe Buck) rave about Eli. Are they watching the same footage? How is it clear to anybody watching football that Eli is a fraud, but the guys paid to dole out their "expert" opinion can't see through this fa�ade? No matter how much Buck and Troy Aikman want to lead viewers to believe that Eli was mounting "another great comeback," he was merely padding his fantasy football stats. Eli was a total non-factor and just a chip off of his losing father�s block.

• Jeremy Shockey may be a lot of things, but he is right when it comes to the Giants coaching staff. They have been completely undressed by the Eagles and Seahawks. But when Shockey is pointing his fingers, he ought to take a look at his quarterback, too.

• Congratulations to the Giants for finally taking Seattle's 12th Man out of the game by going down by 38 points. Nothing deflates a crowd faster than having an opposing football team roll over on its back and piddle on itself. That would be like cheering on the Seahawks to beat an eighth-grade flag football team.

• Is there a safer place to work in American than FOX? Think about it. They could never be the target for a terrorist organization because nobody has done more to inflict more pain on American than the FOX broadcasting. Who would you rather see in Camp X-Ray, Joe Buck or Bin Laden? The sad part is that you had to pause to think about it.

• Why does Carson Palmer hate his receivers? He gets Chad Johnson laid out last week and Chris Henry on Sunday. Oh, and did you happen to catch Henry's celebration following his second touchdown? Nice throw into the stands. It is surprising that he was not flagged for taunting Vince Young's throwing motion.

• Chris Simms had a ruptured spleen that had to be removed. Had to be his liaise faire upbringing.

• Congratulations to Europe for winning the Ryder Cup. Now lets see one of you wankers try to challenge Tiger Woods in a major championship. The Ryder Cup is only cool when the U.S. wins it.

• You can go away now: Dolphins.

• The Birds must be the most disappointing team right now. Legendary quarterback Kurt Warner fumbled away the game in the closing minutes, this coming on top of three interceptions. The crowd in Arizona is already calling for Matt Leinart, but they should not be so hasty. That offensive line is bad. The play-calling is horrible. Is it possible to have too many offensive weapons? Now Edgerrin James is calling for the football. It is turning into a bad situation, exasperated by a coach who really doesn�t get the most out of his talent. It is going to be sad watching them piss away this season.

• When the Angels fail to reach the playoffs this year, blame the front office. Arte Moreno has suggest that the team will be spending more money this offseason. It's time to finally make good on that promise. The good news is that the Dodgers are trailing in both the wild card and divisional playoff game.

• The Buccaneers are obviously going to need a new quarterback and only one name comes to mind, Tommy Maddox. That noise you just heard was Scott from Bucstats jumping off a ledge.

• Got to like the way that Panthers coaches really stuck it to the Buccaneers by having Keyshawn Johnson score twice, doubling his touchdown output Keyshawn had as a member of the Bucs. Oh, and they also stuck it to them by, you know, ripping up the quarterback�s spleen and stuff.

AND FINALLY
Congratulations to Notre Dame for clinching its BCS berth with its comeback over Michigan State? Is it the imagination running wild, or does MSU go up big on Notre Dame every year, only to fall apart at the end?

The Irish are now moving into the SEC-like preseason portion of its schedule where it will play the military academies, Stanford and any junior college they can get into South Bend. The Irish will have a date with the pathetic Bruins (who started their annual November swoon early this year) and get beat badly at USC. But it won�t matter. Notre Dame will have another two-lose season, entitling them to lose in their BCS game. Much like Oakland will likely choke in the AL divisional playoffs.

Everyday people? Not anymore.

Two columns today. The first is in praise of "Heroes":

Personal philosophy time: You have just realized you possess the amazing ability to bend space and time to your will. Do you use it to:
A) Travel cheaply to faraway places?
B) Fiddle with the clocks at your dead-end job?
C) Get into the opposite-sex bathroom without being stopped at the door?
D) Save the world?
For Hiro Nakamura, the aptly named breakout character of NBC's wild new drama "Heroes," the answer is more E) All of the above.
Played by Masi Oka, Hiro is a Tokyo-based cubicle drone and unabashed geek, the kind of guy who quotes X-Men comics and "Star Trek" episodes to explain how his powers work.
"Every hero must learn his purpose," Hiro tells a disbelieving co-worker. "Then he'll be tested and called to greatness."
"I think I need a stiff drink," the friend replies. "Beam us up, Scotty."
Like so many other new shows this season, "Heroes" is about total strangers -- a college professor in India, a west Texas cheerleader, an LA cop, a Vegas stripper and a New York politician, among others -- who are brought together under unusual circumstances. The circumstances just happen to involve flight, teleportation and telepathy.
"Heroes" has the kind of ambitious narrative and visual style you wouldn't expect from producer Tim Kring, the man who brought the world "Teen Wolf II" and "Crossing Jordan." But as if possessed by a super power of his own, Kring has created a big, colorful, messy, involving, funny explosion of a show. If it's not the best new series of the season, it's definitely the most memorable.

To read the rest, click here. In the second review, I dismiss "Runaway" in short order.

For a brand-new network, there's not much new to see on the CW. A mash-up of the best bits of the WB and UPN, the awkwardly titled network begins its first season of existence with only two shows that weren't on the air last spring. One, "The Game," is a spin-off of UPN's "Girlfriends." The other, "Runaway" (tonight at 9 on Ch. 11) is like a Frankenstein's monster stitched together from pieces of dead shows from both networks. And like the big guy with the bolts in his neck, all the parts looked better on their original bodies.

To read the rest, click here.

Sunday night miscellany

Better-than-recent "Simpsons" (particularly the mall scenes), and I've realized that "Family Guy" is always funnier to me if I'm tired, drunk or on painkillers. (No fair telling which one I was last night.) I weighed in on "Desperate Housewives" and "Brothers & Sisters" earlier in the week, but am curious for any reactions, especially since those are two shows I probably won't be sticking with for very long.

Also, a spoiler for the "Brotherhood" finale after the jump...

As with "The Wire," I got to see the entire season of this show at once. Unlike "The Wire," I didn't feel compelled enough to go back and rewatch each episode for real-time reviews. Overall, it was a decent start, but the pacing got very sluggish very fast, and it felt like the last few episodes (from the highway suicide on) had to cram in way too much to make up for the lack of forward momentum in the rest of the season.

But here's my question: the last development with Declan and Mike looked pretty irreversible to me, but Showtime went and renewed the show. Does the title change? Do we get a supernatural element? Or was the beating not nearly as bad as we were led to believe?

Wire week 4 talk for the On Demand'ers

Here's where you can talk about "The Wire" episode 4, "Refugees," until the review thread opens on Sunday night.

Lil' Hater: The NFL Sucks

Everyone likes talking about parity ruining the NFL, but the real problem with the league is the large number of truly lousy teams out there, not the handful of just mediocre ones.

There were four games on Sunday featuring two 0-and-2 teams, each team deserving of their record. Add to that the two games between lousy 1-and-1 teams (the Cardinals and Jets games).

That�s 12 crap teams right there, and I�m not even counting the 49ers or Browns. Or the Raiders, who might be the worst of the bunch.

Half the league can just about give up their playoff hopes already, three weeks into the season. That�s not parity, that�s embarrassing. It pisses me off, and it makes Joe Paterno sick to his stomach.

What is happening to the league when Rex Grossman and Brad Johnson are the QBs for two of the better teams in the NFC? When JP Losman is starting? Christ.

It�s not just the bottom of the league that�s lousy. Last year�s Steelers might have been the most pedestrian Super Bowl winners of the past 15 years.

There is an upside: the NFL is still 1000% better than baseball. Won�t that f�ing season end already?

Ryder Cup Update: Sergio Garcia was great on Friday and Saturday, but gagged and lost on Sunday. Just like he does every week on the PGA tour.

Ad Report Card: I saw 94 commercials on Sunday for a new Robin Williams movie, �Man of the Year,� where I guess he plays a comedian who becomes President. Yet more unbelievable crap from Hollywood.

Williams becoming Prez isn�t the unbelievable part � recent history shows that any dude with a history of cocaine use can get the job now. But Robin Williams playing a funny comedian? Now that�s unbelievable. Dude, you suck. Call me when Mork & Mindy comes to the big screen, otherwise go away, jerk.

The Wire, "Home Rooms": Omar back!

Spoilers for "The Wire" episode three, "Home Rooms," coming just as soon as I can find a box of Honey Nut Cheerios...

The bookends of this episode show you the breadth of this show's tones. In the opening, we see folk hero stick-up artist Omar go down to the corner store, wearing his satin jammies and no gun, and the locals are so frightened of his legend that they throw him a bag of drugs to avoid even the possibility of trouble. In the close, one of the girls in Prez's class slashes another girl across the face as revenge for emotional bullying, then sits silently on the floor as Dukie -- who can sympathize with feeling so beat down by the world that you want to cut someone -- trying to comfort her with the portable fan he spent the whole hour repairing.

Those are the two emotional extremes of "The Wire," and the show wouldn't work without them both. Without Omar's larger-than-life antics, the slashing would be unbearable. Without the grim reality of the school scenes, Omar would border on an action movie cartoon. Admittedly, I would pay full-price to see an action movie about a gay Baltimore stick-up artist, but you know what I mean: Omar is beloved because he's such a stark, optimistic counterpart to the rest of this show.

Continuing the trend of last year, Richard Price gets to reintroduce our shotgun-toting favorite, and he does it in style. And style is what Omar is all about. When I interviewed Simon and Burns back in July, they talked about how Omar scenes are inherently theatrical because Omar cares more about the theater than the cash. Sure, it's nice to take off Old-Face Andre's re-up, but he's in it for that moment when he buys the cigarettes and demands his change. To quote the man himself, "That's the reason why we get up in the morning."

So while Omar's out there, enjoying life as the only character on the show not beholden to an institution (as Simon puts it, even Bubbs is beholden to his addiction), we get an in-depth look at our newest institution, Tilghman Middle School. Those scenes were painful to watch the first time, both for Prez making all those rookie mistakes (the "But you can call me Mr. Prezbylewski" joke just died), and for the slashing, and it was even moreso the second time because I knew everything was coming and was powerless to stop it. I couldn't even enjoy the moment where Prez finds the completed math problem because I knew the "FUCK PREZBO" desk carving was coming up in a second. It's a sign of how great this show is that I want to subject myself to this stuff over and over and over again.

In addition to Prez's freshman struggles, we learned more about the boys' personalities: It becomes more obvious with each week that Namond is trying to force himself into the role his parents expect of him, even though he doesn't really know or even care about the trappings of the gangster lifestyle. (Randy and Michael recognize that, judging by how often they bust his balls about silly things like Namond wanting to get his own face tattooed on his arm.) We get Randy in full entrepreneur mode, making use of Prez's inattentiveness and his own small stature and leftover sixth and seventh grade shirts to move candy in bulk to all three grades. Michael again inspires someone to offer to mentor him with the way he handled the greedy dope fiends, but Marlo looks like he wants to bigfoot over Bodie in that area as well as taking over his corner. (This was also, I believe, our first look at Bug, Michael's little brother.) And Dukie, the butt of so many cruel jokes, so stinky that Namond's mom won't even let him in her house (you'll also note that he had to sit alone in the cafeteria, despite his friendship with the other three boys), demonstrates both his brains and his heart with his repair and use of that fan. (At first I wasn't sure what he had picked up off the street and assumed that it was a half-eaten candy bar or something.)

A few miles and several light years away from Tilghman Middle, Carcetti does his best to exploit his post-debate bump. While Royce is busy pulling lame, petty political BS like threatening to freeze out contributors to both sides and having DPW workers waste their day pulling up Carcetti campaign signs, Tommy's pulling in the donations and finding a way to score a few points from the funeral without looking (or feeling) like a total shitheel. The thing about Carcetti is that, even with his ambition and arrogance and adultery, the guy does mean well, and you could see the self-loathing when the mother interrupted his spiel about her son being killed for turning witness. That woman didn't care why her son was dead, just that he was. If the roles had been reversed, you know Royce would have been grand-standing for all the TV cameras afterwards.

And speaking of petty, enter Lt. Marimow, who destroys the MCU in, like, an afternoon. Marimow is named after an editor Simon had at the Baltimore Sun, but Simon denies there's any connection beyond the name, which, if true, would make this the most negative Tucker-ization of all time. I loved the look of pure glee Rawls had on his face as he dismissed the don't ask, don't tell lieutenant (particularly his "Greaaaaat! That's just great!" interruption of the beach house story), and that scene with Lester was easily the most human Rawls has seemed since the pep talk he gave McNulty after Kima was shot in season one. Why does Lester get a golden ticket back to Homicide while McNulty got banished to the boat for pulling similar shenanigans? Because Rawls, vindictive though he may be, also recognizes that Lester is a great investigator and not nearly as big a pain in the ass when he's working within the more rigid structure of Homicide proper. And Lester back in that unit will no doubt lead to a better clearance rate.

Almost as exciting as the return of Omar, for me, was the return of Bunny Colvin. Robert Wisdom was so damn good last season, and if it's a contrivance to put him in the same school as Prez, it's a minor one, worth making to bring this guy back into the fold. The hotel scene with the hooker and the abusive john reminded Bunny that he has no place in the private sector, and the 18-year-old Carver brought into interrogation for him could smell the police on him immediately. Nice touch with Carver still calling him "Boss."

Some other random thoughts:

• So who here buys into the new and improved McNulty, and who's with Bunk thinking he's just another lake trout? I'll stay mum on this one, but I'm curious for other reactions.
  
• Did you catch Renaldo reading "Drama City," by "Wire" writer George Pelecanos? A nice in-joke, though couldn't someone have gotten an advance copy of George's new "The Night Gardener" for better product placement?
• Because this is a writer-driven show, I don't talk about the visuals as much, but the directors and cinematographers have really stepped up their game this year. Last week we had that wonderful sequence of Herc walking past the portraits of all the former mayors, wondering if perhaps they're smiling because they just got the Royce treatment. Tonight's visual highlight was all the silent view of Tilghman Middle in the moments before the opening bell, particularly a terrified Prez standing motionless at the head of his classroom. Calm before the storm.
• When Old-Faced Andre asked if Kima was biracial, it was the first time it ever occurred to me -- and now it's one of those things I can't not see. Sort of like that guy on "American Idol" with the tracheotomy scar; I never noticed it until a friend mentioned it, and then I couldn't look away from the damn thing.
• Nice scene with Royce and Herc, particularly the double-meaning of Royce's "Don't mention it" at the end.
  
• Yet another returnee: Deacon Melvin, played by the guy who was the real-life inspiration for Avon Barksdale. Melvin, Omar and Slim Charles are rare characters on this show in that they know exactly who they are and don't try to be anything more or less.
• I suppose Prop Joe qualifies in that category, too, which helps explain why he's still on top of the game at such an advanced age. Come to think of it, most of the guys in the co-op meeting looked significantly older than Avon, Stringer or Marlo. Maybe the west side is just young man's turf?
  

Lines of the week:

• Royce on Carcetti: "He wants to go big dick with me, I'll show him one he can't handle."
• Michael to the advancing dope fiends: "You need to rethink what putting your hand on me's gonna get you."
• The entire exchange between Bunk and Beadie's kids about what to call McNulty ("Pops?" "No." "Dad?" "McNulty.")
• Bodie to Slim Charles: "I'm standing here like an asshole holding my Charles Dickens."
• Slim to Bodie: "See, the thing about the old days -- they the old days."
• Deacon Melvin on Bunny's salary and perk demands: "I'd be amazed if they gave you 30, an HMO, and a bus pass."
• Rawls telling Daniels he'll find Kima a Homicide spot: "For you, Major, let me see who I don't love no more."
• Bunny to the angry 18-year-old: "Son, thanks for being you."
  

What did everybody else think?

Angels Win in Oakland

The Angels magic number is 11.

Grey's Anatomy: Shiva call

If I've been stalling all day on posting my "Grey's Anatomy" review, it's partly because I have two columns to write for Monday's paper, but mostly because I didn't have much of a reaction to it. The storytelling felt a little frayed, even aside from the flashbacks, and if I had any kind of emotional stake in Meredith/Finny/McDreamy, it must have vanished over the summer. Lots of potentially huge moments -- George and McDreamy quarantined by The Plague, Weber's marriage in trouble, Alex rushing that baby out of the ER -- that all fell flat, maybe because they were all crammed into the same hour. Really, other than Addison's scenes, plus Callie expounding Shonda Rhimes' life philosophy to Finn, I was completely unmoved. I felt more worked up by the final shot of "The Office" than I did by this whole hour.

Just me? The audience was huge, edging "CSI" by a few million viewers and whalloping it in the young adult demos. People were so excited to have "Grey's" back that the clip show finished ahead of "Earl" and "The Office" in the Nielsens. I just wonder if they felt as excited by the time 10 o'clock rolled around.

Definitely not excited? ABC execs responsible for "Six Degrees," which shed about 10 million viewers from the end of "Grey's," and another four million at the halfway point, which makes the "Studio 60" half-hour fall-off look respectable in comparison.

The Weak Ender

The Ryder Cup starts this weekend and that can mean only one thing�gratuitous shots of the hot wives and girl friends in the crowd. You really have to hate professional golfers. They get all of the perks of being a professional athlete�hot chicks and money�but they really don�t have to put their body on the line. Hell, some of them don't even work out their body at all. Instead, they get guaranteed money to play the nicest courses in the world and get to marry beautiful women.

And you even get the feeling that most golfers don't care if they win or lose. They are more than happy to allow Tiger Woods to win all the tournaments, to just keep cashing those sponsor paychecks, make that tournament money and go home to your hot wife. It is actually in a golfer�s best interest to keep Tiger winning because it increases ratings and tournament payouts. So they win for losing.

And of course, there is the thing about the hot wives.

For more on this developing story, see The Wade Blogs.

• Tiger Woods was a little upset this week following an Irish tabloid running doctored photos of his wife, Elania (pictured), claiming that she had done porn. Yes, terrible, terrible story. So, um, where exactly can you find these fake photos?

• Is there any less surprising news than Joe Namath's daughter being a home wrecker? Well, only if it was the husband of Suzy Kolber.

• The Carolina Panthers are traveling to Tampa Bay this weekend. Do you suppose there will be drunk guys stationed all over Tampa-area restrooms on the look out for lesbian Panthers cheerleaders? The NFL has such few traditions, this certainly should become one. The University of Georgia and the University of Florida have the largest cocktail party in the world. The Panthers and Buccaneers could have the largets, ah, nevermind.

• Seriously, is Cris Collinsworth mailing it in this year on NFL.com?

• Injury update: News out of Pittsburgh this week is that Ben Roethlisberger is going try to play this week with a temperature of 987 degrees! Oh wait, that was 98.7. The way Roethlisberger exaggerates his injuries, we are going to find out that Big Ben was riding a Honda Spree (wearing nothing but a pair of splats) when he ran into some old lady's Rascal.

• This weeks NFL lock: Take Bye (-6) and give the points against the Raiders.

• St. Louis defensive end Anthony Hargrove was an unexcused absence from meetings and practice on Thursday, and the team has been unable to locate him. Hope he didn�t go swimming.

• Your moment of Bish: What was The Bish's reaction to that great Dodgers game on Tuesday morning? Well, nothing. He weighed in on Wednesday. But that didn't stop Old News Bish from ramping up the hyperbole. The Bish said that Monday's game was the greatest game in Dodgers Stadium history, even comparing it to Kirk Gibson's home run. Yeah, it was just like that, except for the fact that it was a regular-season game and the Dodgers dropped the next series to the Pirates (as predicted in this space). All Gibson did was lead the Dodgers to a World Series title.
  
  But you can't really be mad at the Bish. Being mad at the Bish for writing horrible columns would be akin to being upset at him for not being able to play power forward for the Lakers. He is just not good at what he does. You have to blame the sports editor at some point. But he tends to just sit in the corner with a wad of tobacco wedged in his cheek, surfing the Net to make sure nobody is "Dishing the Bish." The sports editor makes Michael Scott from The Office seem like an effective leader.

• The Yankees Jason Giambi has a torn wrist ligament; probably resulting from stabbing Alex Rodriguez in the back. Enjoy it now, Yankees fans, because A-Rod won't be there forever. Arte Moreno is going to spend some money this offseason. Tim Salmon and Garret Anderson were mentioned by A-Rod as two guys who defended him through the booing. Do the math.

• College locks of the week: Take UCLA, give the points; take Michigan and give the points; take Boise State and give the points. To make life easier, there is now a Bet US link on the left so you can make some money. Your pro lock is going to be Ravens (-6�).

AND FINALLY
A fan ran into Bengals receiver Chad Johnson at a book store (for a Bisheff autograph signing?) and told him and Carson Palmer to do well because both of them were on his fantasy team. Johnson pulled out his phone, dialed Palmer, handed the guy the phone and said, "Tell him yourself." The startled fan left a message, but a bemused Palmer called Johnson back, who tracked down the fan and had him repeat the message. Hey, that kind of beats Marcus Allen hitting on your friend or having Jim Kelly tell you to "shut it down," right? Wow, maybe it�s time to rethink the whole Chad Johnson thing.

Especially after Johnson said that the hit by Browns defensive back Brian Russell was a clean hit. Johnson said that the Brownsy had been out to get more for a while and, "It's about time they hit me."

Yeah, Chad Johnson is a cool guy. Too bad the rest of the team (save Palmer) is a bunch of (expletive).

Link and thanks to Benny over at The Sports Pulse.

Semi-Desperate

Today's column, on those kooky "Desperate Housewives":

There's a tendency in the criticism business towards extreme opinions. A new show is either a potential masterpiece or a steaming pile of something. A show that critics were falling over each other to praise in year one is routinely trashed in year three. Howie Mandel is history's worst monster. That sort of thing.

"Desperate Housewives" lived and died with that hyperbole in its first two seasons. Season one: It's new! It's different! It's funny! It's mysterious! We love you, Marc Cherry! Season two: Who are these new neighbors, the Applewhites, and why should we care? Why don't we ever see the four women together? I'm bored! Damn you, Marc Cherry!

The truth, as it usually is in these situations, lies somewhere in the middle. "Housewives" was neither as brilliant as everyone insisted in year one, nor as horrid as everyone claimed in year two. Season two did have certain obvious flaws (again, the Applewhites and the lack of scenes featuring all four leads), but its biggest problem is what it didn't -- what it couldn't -- have:

Novelty.

To read the rest, click here.

My Name Is Earl: The Joy of kidnapping

"My Name Is Earl" premiere spoilers coming up just as soon as someone gives me my damn $3,000 back...

There are weeks when I feel like I should be copying and pasting reviews of previous episodes -- or, at the very least, like I need to write a macro for my feelings about how Good Earl needs to have at least a passing resemblance to Bad Earl. But the premiere was a lot of fun -- largely because it turned Joy into the main character.

Jaime Pressly and the writers have embraced Joy's glorious trashiness from the start, but this felt like they found an extra gear. Of course she loves Britney and K-Fed ("I swear, those two are like American royalty"). Of course her birthday party has a pinata full of cigarettes. Of course she would buy a TV cabinet too damn big to fit into her trailer. Of course she would describe Earl's do-gooding as "all that Robin Hood/Batman/Jesus stuff."

Other highlights: Randy eating chips with his feet, Randy's Lollipop Guild impression (sans helium), and Earl's froggy fake English accent.

Not a bad start at all, and Joy's arrest is going to add a small serialized element to the show for a while. Next week: Earl meets The Bandit himself (sorta).

What did everybody else think?

Survivor: Love at first sight?

"Survivor" episode two spoilers, right after I throw a contest...

Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy. For a guy who seemed so impressive in episode one, he made two classic "Survivor" blunders in a single episode. One, every team that has ever thrown a challenge to get rid of perceived deadweight has almost immediately gone into a tailspin. Two, he and his tribemates picked the strongest (and, from what little we've seen, smartest) guy on any team to go to Exile Island, where he quickly found the hidden idol. Did you people learn nothing from Terry the Challenge Machine? I mean, nothing? At all?

Decent second episode, though once again there are way too many people and there were too many awkwardly on the nose moments, like J.P. declaring that Latinos are good workers.

I really, really, really hope that Billy's love connection talk was just an attempt to be goofy and stir things up before his inevitable exit, because I went back and watched that exchange again, and all I could think of was Brian "Finally, an erection from actual physical contact!" Krakow on "My So-Called Life." De. Loozh. Uh. Nuhl.

Again, too damn many contestants. It's too many at 16, way too many at 18 and just absurd when they start with 20. I've seen the first two "Ugly Betty"s, so this season has until the end of episode four before I have to decide which makes the downstairs DVR cut and which gets bumped upstairs to the TiVo to be watched at an undetermined later date. ("The Office" already has first position, with "Earl" tagging along for the fun of it.)

What did everybody else think?

Six Degrees thoughts?

My favorite part of the pilot was the use of U2's "Walk On" over that closing scene in the subway -- so, of course, it didn't clear and they had to commission Jakob Dylan to write a song that didn't work remotely as well.

What did everybody else think?

The Office: Go the gay way

Some quick "The Office" thoughts while I let the DVR cool down before "Grey's Anatomy"...

To quote a wise man in blue and black tights, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That. Was. Hysterical. After ending last season on an incredibly dramatic, romantic kiss, we end the third season premiere with the most cringe-inducing, horrifying, uncomfortable, genius kiss of all time, made even funnier by Pam and Ryan's reactions to it. (Kelly's excitement was also pretty great.)

For all the talk about What's Going to Happen With Jim and Pam?, the show has always been about so much more than that, and I'm glad Greg Daniels reminded everybody of that. He dealt with the fallout from The Kiss quickly, then got back to the business of Michael Scott making a complete ass of himself -- over and over and over again.

I liked Jim's visit to Bizarro Dunder-Mifflin, with the boss obviously inspired by the British version's Neil Godwin -- the handsome, charming, funny guy who was everything David Brent wished he was -- and with Rashida Jones and Ed Helms as slightly tweaked versions of Angela and Dwight. (Or is Rashida being set up as Bizarro Pam? She certainly seemed to have a stick up her ass here, but she usually plays The Babe, so... hmm...) And if the Stamford boss is supposed to be Neil, does that mean the two branches will be consolidated soon to bring Jim back to Scranton?

And yet in the middle of all the wackiness, of Dwight looking at gay porn because "Michael said it was okay," of Kevin getting the giggles just thinking about Oscar being gay, of Michael's inability to stop bringing up his one-night stand with Jan, of Pam trying unsuccessfully to turn Ryan into her new Jim, Greg managed to keep the heart in there. The scene with Roy talking about how he wants to win Pam back made me feel just a little sorry for the big jerkwad, and I sighed when Jim looked to the empty chair next to him during the HERO portion of Diversity Day, or when Pam smiled in recognition of Jim's gaydar joke in the tag. (And, after watching all the amazing deleted scenes on the season two DVD, I sure hope we get a tag like that every week.)

In the words of yet another "Daily Show" alum, great comedy or greatest comedy?

HGH In a Bottle?

The Yankees celebrated their loss to the Blue Jays by pouring champagne over each other, pounding beers and taking swigs of whiskey. How was that different from any other post-game Yankees party? Oh, that's right, the Yankees clinched the AL East for like, what, the 20th consecutive year? Funny, Yankees fan likes to say that they only recognize World Series titles, but there seems to be a lot of celebrating going on.

It would have been cool to have been in that room, though. Not because these celebrations are cool. In fact, they are kind of dumb. Because the teams will again celebrate like this when the first-round is completed. (Could you imagine NFL teams celebrating with champagne after a wild card win?) No, it would have been cool to see a tipsy Jason Giambi, buzzing on a nice mix of cheap champagne, a couple of Coors Lights and Winstrol go over to Alex Rodriguez, put his arm around him and confess his love. Kind of like that one drunk fan that hangs out at Cal State Fullerton games.

"Alexsh, I loff yoush. You are the beshhhhhhhhht. You and me, were the beshhhhhhhht. We're the beshhhhhhhhht hittersh. But we're good right? I wash only trying to help yoush. Tancredi!"

You know it had to be a touching moment. Right before Giambi tried to dance with A-Rod's wife before he passed out in the middle of the clubhouse while his teammates surrounded him with syringes and took pictures.

So the Yankees are in, and here is a memo to the rest of the American League; If you don't think you can beat the Yankees, then you had better just loose out the string and let the Angels into the playoffs. Looking directly at you, Oakland. The A's are like your college buddy who would see a hot girl in a bar and say, "I've got dibs on her." Then he would spend the better part of the night trying to hit on that girl, but never get anywhere. That�s the Oakland A�s.

Congratulations to the Dodgers for not only falling to second place in the NL West, the Phillies have tied the club for the wild card. Glad to see that the Dodgers were able to capitalize on that captivating win on Monday night.

Triple feature

Another day of two columns dealing with three shows. First, a combined review of "Six Degrees" (which isn't nearly as good as you would think, given the talent involved) and "Brothers & Sisters" (which isn't nearly as bad as you would think, given all the backstage turmoil), but neither of which is even interesting trainwreck TV:

Every TV season brings with it at least one show that looks like it can't miss on paper, then turns into a problem in reality. This year, there are two Show In Trouble candidates, both of them on ABC: "Six Degrees" and "Brothers & Sisters." They have two of the most pedigreed casts of any new shows, respected producers, and premises that promise something different and exciting. And I would be stunned if either, let alone both, survives to the end of this season.

To read the rest, click here. Then "Shark" gets to lead off the All TV column:

And this year's Truth in Titling award goes to CBS for "Shark," a legal drama in which James Woods is invited to chew up the scenery for an hour each week. The only more accurate title might be "Wood Chipper," and that would create some confusion about his name, so "Shark" it is.

Fortunately, Woods is one of our great diorama devourers, so the fact that there isn't much to "Shark" beyond that is just fine -- for now.

To read the rest, click here.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



Yes, it seems a little foolish to say the Chargers are not going to make the Super Bowl. Especially since Peter King thinks they are going to make it. Hey, if King picks your team they are a lock.

Or maybe not.

It is easy to make these predictions after the season has started. Luckily the NFL season hasn�t started for the Chargers, yet. The opening two weeks of the season were the equivalent of playing exhibition games. The opening two weeks of the Chargers season was as soft as an SEC teams non-conference schedule. And it really hasn�t proven anything.

Actually, the Raiders victory proved that the Chargers are not ready to make the leap. Marty Schottenheimer, who is so conservative he falls to the right of Sean Hannity, took a 13-0 lead and sat on the ball for an entire second half. You can do that against the Raiders. You can�t do that against an NFL team. If you have so much confidence in Philip Rivers that you will allow Drew Brees to walk to New Orleans, then at least have the confidence in him to throw the ball downfield.

The Chargers opened up the offense a little bit against the Titans. But that was more a result of who the Titans had playing quarterback, instead of a trust in Rivers. If you think that was a step forward for the Chargers, wait until they play the Ravens. Marty�s boldness will disappear faster than Tucker Carlson�s bow tie. No, this is the same old Marty. And no matter how dominant that defense is, he will never put enough trust in his offense to go win him a Super Bowl.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, Dolphins, Steelers, Packers, Broncos, Cowboys, 49ers, St. Louis and Colts.

See, my name is spelled K-N-A-P-P, and I specialize in K-I-D-N-A-P-P-I-N-G...

So, I gave my thoughts on "Kidnapped" this morning. What are yours?

That's great, it starts with an earth -- er, nuclear bomb

Not much to add to my initial "Jericho" review, so what did everybody else think?

Jason Giambi Class Act

Sports Illustrated has a pretty good story on Alex Rodriguez that quotes a bunch of anonymous Yankees talking about how lousy the reigning AL MVP is. The one player who was on the record was Jason Giambi who confronted A-Rod during a recent slump, telling him to snap out of it.

That�s great Juiceambi. Although it is hard to imagine A-Rod telling you to stick the needle back in your ass when you weren�t hitting your HGH-induced weight last season. Can�t recall hearing A-Rod uttering a peep when you cried and apologized for, wait, what were you apologizing for again? Nor did A-Rod saying anything when you obviously went back on performance-enhancing drugs last season (allegedly).

No Rodriguez has been the epitome of class. If there was ever somebody who should lash out on juiced up sluggers, like Giambi, it should be A-Rod. Instead he continues to put up MVP-type numbers every year. It�s a joke.

The morning before the day after

Good "House" last night, though I had a couple of problems. One is specific to me, but I've never been able to look at Joel Grey as a normal human being ever since he played Chun in "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins," one of the quintessential "on HBO every other day" bad movies of the '80s. The other is that I don't feel like Cameron really did make her own decision, but rather made the decision House maneuvered her into. Best part of the hour may have been the preview for next week, with House protesting to the medical board about Thong Girl.

Two columns this morning. A review of "Jericho" is the first:

If the microscope jockeys of CBS' three dozen Jerry Bruckheimer police procedurals have taught us anything, it's that no matter how thoroughly you try to clean up a crime scene, you always leave trace evidence behind. And if we didn't understand that already, we'd know it after watching "Jericho," a new drama that CBS execs clearly lifted from Fox or ABC without completely wiping their own fingerprints off of it.

From the use of music by The Killers and Snow Patrol on the soundtrack to the serialized format, most of "Jericho" doesn't feel like anything CBS has aired since... um... ever. But every now and then, there's a moment to reassure you that, yes, you are watching the birthplace of "Simon & Simon" and "Nash Bridges."

To read the rest, click here.

The second starts off with my review of "Kidnapped":

The legendary French director Jean-Luc Godard used to say the best way to criticize a movie was to make another movie. The same theory applies to TV as well, and we have "Kidnapped" (10 p.m., Ch. 4) as a fine example.

Premiering a month after Fox's "Vanished" -- like "Kidnapped," a drama that will try to stretch one abduction story over the course of a season -- "Kidnapped" plays out like a point-by-point criticism of everything "Vanished" gets wrong.

After some more "Kidnapped" commentary, I write about the "My Name Is Earl" season premiere and how a special feature on the season one DVD set just reminded me how much I wish they would let Earl be less nice. To read the whole magillah, click here.

Lots more column writing to do today, so use this post as a catch-all section for comments on any non-"Smith" bit of primetime last night. Out of curiosity, does anybody here other than me watch "NCIS" or "The Unit"?

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



It would be easy to sit here and make fun of Peyton Manning and his inability to win the big game. So that is exactly what is going to happen. Yes it is the obvious way out. Obvious like a Manning playoff loss.

Manning�s playoff futility is becoming something of legend. Manning�s playoff career closely resembles that of Charlie Brown trying to kick the football out of the hold of Lucy Van Pelt. Each time Charlie/Peyton believe the time has come�and each time he ends up lying on his back wondering what happened.

The entire blame shouldn�t fall on Peyton�s shoulders though. Give some discredit to his coach Tony Dungy�the black Marty Schottenheimer. It�s not to say that Dungy is wound too tight, but the dude did call for an onsides kick during the first play of the Colts preseason game. No, he�s not high-strung at all when it comes to coaching. Maybe if Peyton is lucky, the Colts will run Dungy off and bring in Jon Gruden to win a Super Bowl title. It worked in Tampa Bay.

The Colts believed they did the next best thing by brining in the most clutch kicker in the NFL. Surely the mere presence of Adam Vinatieri would make the Colts a little more clutch right? Or maybe an anvil would fall on his head. Or ankle problem with his plant foot; or the groin problem he as developed. It appears when it comes to choking, Manning and Dungy can bring out the worst in anybody.

Other previews: Jets, Browns, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Redskins, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants, Saints, Panthers, Bengals, Cardinals, Seahawks, Dolphins, Steelers, Packers, Broncos, Cowboys, 49ers and St. Louis.