Family Values

It's good to see that Archie Manning isn't the only media-whore trying to cash in on his son's NFL stardom. Drew Brees has asked his mother not to use his image in her campaign for a Texas appellate court. Obviously the reason is their opposition of stem cell research�on his huge facial mole.

But seriously, it's nice to see that some parent has taken over the (hefty) void left by Jerome Bettis' parents. (Although you would figure that NBC is going to find a way to work them into the Football Night in America broadcast.)

The funny thing here, that the relationship between Brees and his mother deteriorated because he wouldn't hire her as his player agent coming out of Purdue. Evidentially she wanted to keep him out of San Diego and force a trade to the Giants, but Drew actually wanted to honor the NFL's drafting rules.

AFC Looks Dominant

Just look at some of the scores from around the league. Raven killed the Saints, the Chargers creamed the St. Louis football team, Jacksonville bludgeoned the Eagles, etc., etc. Hell, the Patriots were so bored with the Vikings, the team decided to see how many points they could score without running a single running play. So that can mean only one thing.

The NFC is going to win the Super Bowl. At least if baseball is any indication.

We also need a catchier nickname for The Hater Nation Forums.

Screw the cheerleader. Screw your friend.

Spoilers for "Heroes" and "Friday Night Lights" coming up just as soon as I get some cupcakes out of the oven...

On "Heroes," Claire's dad -- or H.R.G. (Horn-Rimmed Glasses), as NBC officially bills him -- is quickly gaining on Hiro in the favorite character sweepstakes. They even had equally hilarious reactions to phone news, Hiro to his future sword (the entire Peter/Hiro/Ando conversation was great), H.R.G. to the idea that someone has the power to stop time. With Jack Coleman becoming a regular and the way he's been portrayed the last few weeks, I'm wondering whether he's really evil or just morally gray. When he and his bald buddy abducted Matt Parkman, for instance, all they did was scan his powers and then send him home without his memory of their encounter.

If he's not the big villain, then maybe Niki is. We knew her mirror-self was willing to do things she wouldn't, and some people had even guessed that those bodies in the desert were the people D.L. had been accused of killing, but that was some hard-core badness from her last night. Her fight with D.L. was the first straight-up comic book-style fight, down to D.L. using the Vision trick of phasing his hand into an opponent's body and then solidifying it just enough to make them pass out from the pain. (At least, I assume she's just passed out, as I can't imagine NBC allowing them to kill off Ali Larter this quickly.) I wish the episode had ended on D.L. running out of the room with Michah, because the quick cut to Eden (aka Pixie Girl) sapped some of the cool cliffhanger juice, making two episodes in a row that didn't end right on a stunner.

Also, no Nathan, Parkman or Simone this week. I know Peter and Isaac need to get the painting from Simone, but I'm hoping the producers have started to realize her pointlessness and are easing her out to make room for other characters like Ando and H.R.G.

I'm damn curious to see the ratings for "Friday Night Lights" this morning. If it did even marginally better than "Studio 60," then that's likely all she wrote for Sorkin's Folly. If it did the same number, or even lower (and, with real football as competition, that wouldn't shock me), then NBC has some tough decisions to make.

It's just too bad the "FNL" people couldn't have thrown together a stronger episode for this unplanned Monday showcase. There were parts of it that were very strong (the team visit to Street's room), and overall it was fine, but compared to previous weeks, it felt like a drop-off.

In particular, I think they fumbled the resolution to the QB One issue, first by making Voodoo such an obvious screw-up that no coach in America would have left him on the field, and second by skipping over some of the obvious beats after Taylor made the switch (the crowd's unhappy reaction to Saracen's return, followed by Saracen beginning to play well, etc.). The Voodoo scene in coach's office painted the character as morally ambiguous enough that the writers could have either gotten more mileage out of him or, at least, made Taylor's decision much tougher. (Though I continue to love any scene where Taylor goes berserk on one of his players. Kyle Chandler usually plays such easy-going characters that I didn't know he had this type of screaming in him.)

The Tyra subplot felt divorced from the rest of the show and was made especially odd by the fact that, outside of her High School Slut-wear, Tyra looked roughly the same age as the scruffy young businessman. The show had already done a good job of establishing that she's a lot smarter than she looks and that she longs to get out of this one-horse town, so unless (as Marian guessed) she winds up pregnant as a result, not sure what the point was.

Whether it was the visit by the team (and, especially, Riggins) or he was going to do it on his own, glad to see Street decide to skip over the six months of self-pity and move directly towards training for some Murderball. I think I would feel more investment in the love triangle if the actors playing Lyla and Rigggins were better, but Street's cool.

What did everybody else think?

The Post Mortem

The Chargers Halloween game is the highlight of the year, if for nothing else, because of the cheerleader's getups. Beating the St. Louis football team so convincingly (at least on the scoreboard) was an added bonus, too. How come the broadcast never pans the camera on Georgia Frontandreare during the game, showing a pained expression? Although, with the amount of Botox likely in her system, she probably has about facial range as Nic Cage. And besides, do you think Georgia really cares about the St. Louis football team? She already made her money, so winning a football is the least of her worries. Instead she spends most of her time in the Sun preparing for her eternity in hell.

Thankfully, the camera was trained on the Chargers sidelines all day.

DEFENSE TO THE RESCUE
Marlon McCree returned a fumble 79-yards for a touchdown in the third-quarter that turned a potential tie-game into a runaway for the Chargers. But returning scores for touchdowns is such a Raiders thing to do. Really. The Raiders gained less than 100 yards in total offense yesterday, but turned two interception returns for touchdowns to lead the team to its second consecutive win. Watch out folks, the Raiders are back and they are going to the Super Bowl!

Give it up to the Raiders Inn Keeper who finally devised a game plan that made his team successful. Punting on third down might have been a bit of a stretch, but who can argue with the results?

Raven also used two-interception returns to cruise to a victory over Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints. Wasn't Brees being considered for NFL MVP last week? You should not write Brees off after one game. But performances like this in big games is one of the reasons why San Diego let him walk as a free-agent.

THANKS FOR NOTHING BILL BELICHICK
You figured the cosmic choking force of Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning would be enough to turn Adam Vinatieri into a mortal. No such luck. At least not for now. Vinatieri made just another clutch kick and Manning celebrated like he just won the Super Bowl. Hell, that might be the closest he ever gets, so we should let him enjoy it.

But can Bill Belichick again explain how letting Vinatieri goes was a good idea? You figure that next week�s Sunday night extravaganza is going to come down to a game-winning field goal, right? Either Vinatieri boots the game winner for the Colts, or Janni Gogolak misses a kick for the Patriots.

With all that being said, it is hard to take anything Peyton does during the regular season seriously until he finally wins that big game. Next week would be a good start.

• Shawne Merriman should continue to take whatever supplement he wants after the way he abused Marc Bulger yesterday for three sakes. Not bad, considering that everybody was making all sorts of steroid jokes about him.

• Has Eli Messiah made a good pass this season? Good lord, every time they show Messiah on a game break, he is overthrowing Plaxico Burress who then makes a seemingly impossible catch. It's unbelievable. He deserves some Isotones.

• How soon until a potential Manning vs. Messiah Super Bowl begins to be hyped? You figure that if they can start playing Christmas commercials prior to Halloween, then it is not too early to promote a potential Manning Bowl.

• Speaking of choking quarterbacks, the Eagles lost again. Donovan McNabb and the Eagles were held to 229 yards, but when you compare it to the 94 yards the Raiders offense generated, that's not bad.

• Anybody else taking their time before jumping on the Mike Vick bandwagon? There has been no argument that he has a rifle for an arm. But he just hasn�t been able to put it all together. He is doing that now. Remember, the Falcons started 6-2 last season before finishing 8-8.

• The Falcons trashed-talked Ben Roethlisberger a week ago and delivered a cheap shot to Chad Johnson on Sunday. Yeah, mark that up as another reason to not jump on the Vick bandwagon. Some team will eventually take a cheap shot on him in the open field.

• (Expletive) the Panthers.

• Brett Favre is not going to break the all-time interceptions record on his current pace. But with Favre, he always has that puncher's chance to pull out a six-interception game.

• After beating the Steelers yesterday, how many Raiders fans are walking around today believing that they are the Super Bowl champs? Seriously.

• Why is it, when a Pac-10 team loses its first regular season game in years, they fall so dramatically in the polls? The Pac-10 loses and its evidence that the conference is weak. The SEC teams lose to each other and it is a testament to the league�s toughness. Whatever. SEC superiority is indeed a myth. They might put the most players in the NFL (for now), but they will be exposed in the bowls again this year when they roll over like Atlanta did for General Sherman.
  
  USC's loss should have had a bigger impact on Boise State who defeated Oregon State earlier this season. So USC beat Arkansas (the best team in the SEC). Oregon State beat USC. Boise State beat Oregon State. So Boise State could win the SEC. Instead, they are No. 14 in the polls. The Broncos really need to beat up on Fresno State on Wednesday and hope that USC wins out the rest of the way.

• Anybody else taking their time before jumping on the Tony Romo bandwagon? The guy looked impressive beating the Panthers, but he is one miss-thrown ball away from a Terrell Owens meltdown and complete turmoil.

• Wait a minute, the Eagles stink, Dallas has a rookie quarterback and Bill Parcells is awful now and the Redskins are awful. Great, get that Manning Bowl promo ready.

AND FINALLY
It was nice to see David Eckstein and Scott Spiezio celebrating another World Series together. It would have been worse to see, say, Troy Glaus celebrating a World Series with another team. Is anybody else getting the feeling that Arte Moreno really wants to stick it to Angels fans by signing Barry Bonds?

Wire week 8 talk for the On Demand'ers

Talk here about episode 8, "Corner Boys."

Dynamic duo

Two columns today for the price of one. First, a look at the new "Cracker" movie and the final "Prime Suspect" story:

They look like polar opposites at first blush, they do. She's petite and classy; he's built like a polar bear and dresses like a toupee salesman. She's reserved and cold to the point of complete isolation; he sees himself as the life of every party, preferably ones to which he wasn't invited.

But Jane Tennison and Edward "Fitz" Fitzgerald are two British law-enforcement lions in winter. They drink too much, rub too many important people the wrong way, and are never more comfortable than when they're on the trail of a murderer.

And within the next two weeks, we may never see them again.

To read the rest, click here. After that, there's a mailbag column in which I present opinions on "Lost," "Friday Night Lights" and "Studio 60" that will be familiar to anyone who hangs out here.

The Wire, "Unto Others": Getting better all the time?

Spoilers for "The Wire" just as soon as I finish making a potato silencer...

�Unto Others� is the literal halfway point of season four (show 7 out of 13), and it represents a kind of turning point. After six episodes of Murphy�s Law reigning supreme -- of Marlo killing with impunity, Prez bumbling around the classroom, Burrell and Rawls marching to Royce�s CYA beat � things are getting better. At least, better by the grim standards of �The Wire.�

The subpoenas that Rhonda thought would spell her professional doom have instead catapulted her into a top position under the new State�s Attorney. Daniels� competence and vision have caught the eye of mayor-in-waiting Carcetti. Omar has The Bunk on his side. Prez is mastering ways to teach his kids (and finding lots of great new supplies gathering dust in the book room). Cutty has started to learn the error of his player ways, even if he hasn�t totally won Michael�s respect. Kima earns her Homicide stripes with an unexpected solution to the Braddock case. Hell, even Royce himself seems like a changed man without the weight of the election and the office. (Some of that, no doubt, was an act to protect his pride, but not all of it.)

This being �The Wire,� I don�t think any of us expects these halcyon days to last � especially since it�s still not all flowers and puppies. Bubbs has lost Sherrod to the corners and is being routinely menaced by that hulking dope fiend. Bunny and company are having a hard time getting through to Namond and the others. Carcetti may not be able to get rid of Burrell right away. And the only people going after Marlo are the members of the gutted MCU, led by Herc, who personifies the kind of functionally illiterate street cop Daniels was describing at ComSTAT.

Especially troubling is the fact that Randy�s future is now in Herc�s clumsy hands, through a chain of bizarre events beyond anyone�s control. Forget what Randy himself did to get in this mess (and if he had kept to the code and avoided snitching, he�d be home-free since the girl recanted). Just consider how things might be different if Prez had taken the case to Lester instead of Daniels, if Carver hadn�t felt so guilty about having outgrown Herc, if Prop Joe hadn�t told Marlo to steal the camera, if Omar hadn�t called in his chit with Bunk, if Crutchfield wasn�t so pissed off at Bunk for interfering in his case, etc., etc., etc.

While Herc is still struggling to differentiate between his own bodily orifices and various holes in the ground, Bunk and Omar have resumed their duet from season three's "Homecoming." Bunk tries to act above it all, like the job is just a job, the murders don't affect him, and all he's about is the wardrobe and the booze and the ladies. But Omar, who grew up on the same streets and even went to the same schools, gets to him, forces him to confront his own choices in life and views on crime. And Omar knows the man well enough to know the right card to play -- not the literal one from Ilene Nathan, but the one that points out that Bunk is letting the killer of a citizen walk to punish Omar for killing dope slingers. Very strong scene between the two of them.

When I interviewed Simon and Ed Burns before the season, one of the things I was really hung up on was Prez finding the new books and computer untouched in the book room. I wasn't naive enough to think that couldn't have happened during Ed's teaching days; I just assumed that there was a reason they kept the stuff down there, that they didn't trust the kids with nicer books, an expensive computer, etc. No, he told me: the administration just forgot they were there. (The middle school he taught out also had a locked-up, abandoned room full of tens of thousands of dollars worth of computer equipment. It was designed to use a specific type of software to communicate with schools around the world, but the system also had a firewall that prevented it from connecting with any computers outside the state, and only one other school in Maryland had compatible software. Whoops.)

The smile on DuQuan's face when he got the computer up and running was almost heartbreaking, in comparison to the usually guarded, downcast expression he usually sports. And Prez is learning how to reach out to the entire class, and not just Dukie. It was only a matter of time, I think. Prez's gift has always been problem-solving (see his breaking the Barksdale pager code), and while his students aren't just an abstract concept, there are certain universal methods of dealing with them. Tricking kids into learning is a method I've seen work just as well in a rich suburban white school as it did for Michael and Randy and the rest.

Things are moving at a much slower pace in Bunny's special class, but then, it took half a season to get Hamsterdam up and running, and he got an earlier start on that than he's had here. Beyond the segregation, we're seeing Bunny and his team changing another fundamental element of these corner kids' school lives: one-on-one guidance counselor talk instead of suspensions. And the kids seem just as baffled by that as the hoppers were by the idea of Hamsterdam.

But for now, at least, progress is being made, in City Hall, at Tilghman Middle, in the Homicide unit, etc. Optimism is such a rare emotion on this show that I'm a little afraid of it. But for every bit of hope, Simon and company were sure to throw in an equal dose of realism. Tommy may have grand plans for this city, but how much time is he going to have to pull it all off if, as the former mayor explains, he's going to spend all day, every day, eating shit?

Some other random thoughts:

• I forgot to note last time the journey of Old-Face Andre�s gawdy ring, which Marlo took as punishment for being robbed, which Omar then took during the poker game heist, and which Officer Walker now proudly wears after taking it off Omar during his arrest. The last segment of this season's credits features one circular image after another -- the pass-through at Andre's store, a kids' merry-go-round, a spare tire, etc. -- as a way to illustrate the endless loop of these people's lives, that the same events, the same mistakes, will happen again and again, no matter how much people like Tommy or Prez or Bunny try to change things. Keep an eye on this particular circle; its travels aren't over yet.
  
• Dammit, I actually feel some affection for Clarence Royce after he invited Tommy to sit in his chair. Any thoughts on how much of his behavior in that scene was saving face, how much was relief at not having the job anymore, and how much was simply a realization that this was just business, not personal?
  
• Was I the only one who didn't realize the angry kid in the camo jacket was Sherrod until Bubbs went to talk to him? Between the absence of his familiar white t-shirt, the hat obscuring his features a little and the fact that he rarely talks, I had no idea it was him and wondered why we were spending this much time with a random unaffiliated corner crew.
• Sherrod is seemingly out of Bubbs' life, but he left behind a nightmarish legacy in that giant dope fiend who keeps treating Bubbs as his personal ATM. Definitely a no good deed goes unpunished situation: if Bubbs hadn't tried to help Sherrod against this goon (and if he wasn't trying to better himself with the shopping cart business), none of this would be happening to him.
• I love it when this show just steps back and shows people doing their work, whether it's Bunk and McNulty in the famous "fuck" scene from season one, or McNulty studying navigation charts so he can stick Rawls with the dead hookers case, or, here, Kima using "soft eyes" to figure out who really killed Braddock and why. Two and a half minutes of screen time may not seem like a lot, but I can't imagine any other show on television devoting that much time to a silent sequence of someone just looking and thinking.
  
• While Bodie's crew is still selling Pandemic, Namond's junior bunch (including Donut and that little kid, Kennard, who looks to be about nine) are slinging around the Big Yellow Bird. I'm not sure I can watch "Sesame Street" with my daughter anymore without cringing. If someone introduces a Snuffleupagus brand-name, I'm out.
  
• After all her career-threatened whining about Lester's subpoenas, it was nice to see Rhonda acknowledge, even under her breath, that the man in the reading glasses is responsible for her fancy new job.
  
• If Cutty was still holding out any hope of getting back with Ms. Sampson -- and, given his fondness for the neighborhood ladies, I don't think he was -- that awkward encounter at Tilghman Middle should have put the end to that dream. "Be well" is just a polite way of saying "Smell ya later!," isn't it? But I'm glad he seems to have learned some lessons from what happened with Spider, even if Michael still doesn't seem that impressed by him. Also, interesting to see Cutty's soldier instincts come out as they did when he saved Namond from Sherrod; Chad L. Coleman can pull the crazy eyes when he wants.
  

Lines of the Week:

• Omar to Big Man #2: "They got Honey Nut Cheerios in here?"
• Big Man #2 to Omar: "Sheeeeit!"
• Landsman contemplating Freamon�s lucrative dollhouse business: "Fuck me. I need a hobby."
• Namond trying to be polite: �Mr. Colvin, sir? Fuck. You.�
• Herc, re: Carver calling them an enabling relationship: "Enable me, Carv. Enable me to find my camera."
• Herc on the sum of his intelligence on Marlo: �I know he�s a drug dealer. I can�t prove it or nothing.�
• Crutchfield: "Fuck The Bunk!"

What did everybody else think?

Proof That God Hates You

Jeff Weaver; World Series champion.

Stadium 60

If Aaron Sorkin wrote a show about baseball, by one of my favorite "Cheers" writers, Ken Levine.

Battlestar Galactica: Airlocks for everyone!

Spoilers for "Battlestar Galactica" coming right up...

"We all feel the need for justice, and we all feel the need for vengeance, and telling the difference between the two can be difficult at times." -Laura Roslin

After the budget-blowing action epic that was "Exodus Pt. II," we get what the "Star Trek" people used to call a bottle show, an entire episode that takes place on existing sets, with minimal use of special effects and guest stars. But where NextGen tended to treat its bottle shows as trifling throw-aways, "Collaborators" is just as important and, in its own way, just as dramatic as what we saw over the previous three weeks.

Ever since Chief Tyrol gave his speech to Gaeta in "Precipice" about what he intended to do with the collaborators once they got off that rock, I was anticipating the exact climax we got here. But it wasn't so much predictable as inevitable. If I had one problem with it, it's the idea that Gaeta didn't know who he was dealing with in the resistance. Maybe I'm just naive about how dead drops work and all that, but wouldn't Gaeta have needed some idea of who he was passing information to -- and, if so, wouldn't he have gone up to that person after the exodus to say, "Hey, no need to thank me, but I was the dude who delivered you every single piece of intel that was necessary to get us off New Caprica. Just so you know, I like my breakfast in bed to have poached eggs and a half canteloupe"?

But there was some contrivance level necessary to put Gaeta in that room and to show just how low our heroes are prepared to sink to get their pound of flesh -- any old flesh will do. Kara ordering him to beg for his life is one of the most horrible, chilling things I've seen any quasi-heroic TV character do. But if it hadn't been for her taunts, The Circle would have gone and executed the biggest hero of the entire damn resistance.

Back in our pre-season interview, Ron Moore did a good job fending and parrying any attempt by me to have him position the New Caprica storyline as a straight one-to-one Iraq allegory. But when I asked him whether Roslin's "It is not an option to be discarded at the president's whim" speech about secret military tribunals was a specific dig at Dubya, he admitted, "That is a statement of principal, and if you want to ascribe that to me as the author as well, I'll take that." Now, I don't know that Laura's general amnesty idea is the right thing to do -- I imagine it'll lead to a lot of vigilante justice from people like the Circle member whose kid died -- but I suppose you can justify it the same way Ford justified the Nixon pardon: there was too much else to worry about for him to spend the bulk of his time dealing with this one problem.

I like the feel of this post-New Caprica fleet. The reset button has been pressed, in that the fleet is back on the run with only Galactica to protect it, but it hasn't, in that so many characters bear scars from the last year and a half. Tigh is never going to be emotionally whole after losing Ellen and his eye (in that order). Leoben's four-month mindfrak ripped Kara into itty-bitty pieces, then scotch-taped them back together in random order. Gaeta was betrayed by his idol, then nearly murdered by the people whose lives he saved. Galactica, once a ghost ship after the settlement, is now vastly overpopulated with the surviving crewmembers from two ships.

(Which raises some interesting questions: Will Adama allow a lot of people to muster out? If so, who gets to become a civilian? And where do they go? Do you have to apply to go to another ship, to become a drain on their resources? etc. Moore has said he's only interested in the nuts and bolts of the fleet to a certain point -- and when he went beyond that point, we got "Black Market" -- but I'd like to see some of this addressed. If nothing else, how crappy is life on the run now that nobody can go party on Cloud Nine?)

A very, very strong start to life after the settlement.

Couple of other random thoughts:

• When I asked Moore how long Jamie Bamber would have to wear the fatsuit, he laughed and said, "Not long, thank God." I guess Apollo is going to have many, many, many dates with that jump rope.
  
• Not exactly wowed by our glimpse of the Cylon ship so far. Admittedly, it's just the one room, and I know we're going to get a more extended look at the place in future episodes, but it just looked like a Swedish architect's apartment or something. Very spartan, but not that unusual.
  

So what did everybody else think?

The Weak Ender

Any Given Sunday was on television the other night. Of all the outrageous stuff in that move, the most glaring was the thought of Cameron Diaz as team owner. Maybe if Barron Hilton had held on to the Chargers, we could be looking at a similar situation and of course there is Jeanie Buss. But for the most part, professional owners range from old hookers (Georgia Frontandreare) and the mother from Goonies (Marge Schott).

Until now.

The ABA has a new expansion team�the Hollywood Fame�that includes a consortium of celebrity owners including Stacy Keibler.

Yes, two Keibler references in the past three weeks, don't worry, you'll live.

TIKI IS SENSITIVE

You media can talk about Tiki Barber; as long as it is a glowing tribute. Barber was none too pleased that Tom Jackson and Michael Irvin called Sir Barber a distraction to the team. Media whore? Sure. But don�t call him a distraction. In fact, Barber went on to call the ESPN duo a pair of idiots. And if you look closely enough, he stopped just short of calling Irvin a crack-head.

"I will call them idiots," Barber said. "That includes Tom Jackson on ESPN. That includes the ultimate character guy, facetiously speaking of course, Michael Irvin. Please get a clue on how to be a journalist. Don't make blanket assumptions about it (retirement). And obviously, as was evidenced (Monday) night, I am a huge distraction to the New York Giants."

Nice work, Sir Barber. And you know those people who say you belong in the Hall of Fame? They are idiots, too.

Warrick Dunn will surpass all of Sir Barber's numbers next season. But will Peter King and other members of the media stump for Dunn? No, but maybe they should. Dunn, like Sir Barber, is an upstanding member of the community and the ultimate scat back. If that's enough for Sir Barber, that should be enough for Dunn.

• Reader Rob in Tampa points out that Irvin has been the center of controversy for the past couple of years and that can only mean one thing�they will soon be fitting Irvin with a gold jacket to be in the Monday Night Football booth. You sort of heard it here first. It will be like the O.J. Simpson/MNF era all over again. But the Juice went from the MNF to being a criminal, while Irvin will be doing it in reverse.
  

• T.O. is happy to have Tony Romo as his quarterback. Yeah, of course he is. T.O. is like that high school girl that has a new boyfriend each week. She�s so in love with the new guy until, of course, something goes horribly wrong. And then that guy is a jerk. Or maybe he's gay or threw up in the Super Bowl. But will that girl ever look your way? Give you her number? No, that chick wanted the quarterback. That little� hey, um, moving on.
  

• Be careful at the water cooler today. The wife of the Cowboys receiving coach found a rat in her McDonald's French fries. That will lead to endless "Wow, I didn�t know that T.O. worked in fast food" jokes. Heck, expect that from ESPN�s Bill Simpson. You have permission to punch anybody who uses that joke in the throat.
  

• Has anybody noticed the laws of diminishing returns with Bill Parcells? Two Super Bowls with the Giants. A Super Bowl appearance with the Patriots. An AFC Championship Game with the Jets. And now a playoff birth with the Cowboys (in his first year). That makes him the perfect replacement for Dennis Green in Arizona at this rate.
  

• Do you think Bill Bidwell was pissed that the custodian didn�t change the locks before Green returned from Oakland? Like there was an uncomfortable silence when the two ran into each other at Cardinals headquarters? �Oh, Dennis, you um, are still here. Hey, that�s great.� Green has won 17 games since the 2000 season.
  

• We should finally get a good look at just how powerful the Broncos defense is this week against the Colts. And you have to figure, if the Broncos don�t play well, this could be the last game for Jake Plummer. Because if you can�t score enough to be one of the top AFC teams, what�s the point of keeping Jay Cutler on the bench?
  

• Chad Johnson wants to be known as �ocheta y cinco� in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. Carson Palmer already took the nickname �Chewy.�
  

• Ben Roethlisberger noted that the Falcons taunted him by saying that they wanted to smash his surgically repaired face. What, defensive players being jerks? But that was pretty low. You expect that kind of stuff when "The Swede gets out of the brig," but not on an NFL football field. And really, just imagine the things he is going to hear from the Black Hole when he takes the field on Sunday. Even the children will likely be running motorcycle crash jokes at Big Ben, while wearing "Stab Like a Champ" T-shirts. That was the one positive about last week's win for the Raiders. The idiots are revived and delusional like the first five games of the season didn't exist. We'll see if they are still around come Monday morning.
  

• Snoop Dogg was arrested for suspicion of carrying a fire arm, as America says only our NBA stars are allowed to carry guns.
  

• Presidents from the University of Georgia and the University of Florida have taken offense to the term, "World's Largest Cocktail Party" because it promotes alcohol. Well, they probably are not going to like the new name, "The World�s Largest Family Reunion." Cheap joke? You bet. Any chance to not use that? None. And it�s obvious that the university presidents will outlaw booze from their black-tie functions and fund raisers, right? Sure.
  

• If you are going to see one movie about the Grenada Conflict, make it Heartbreak Ridge. BTW, this is what happens when TWE starts being composed on Wednesday night.
  

• Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels of St. Louis for inching a game closer to the World Series title thanks to David Eckstein. Having Eck leave, while disheartening, was still the right baseball decision. It�s not like he was Troy Glaus. BTW, it looks like God hates Tony La Russa. His first title came during the Bay Area earthquake in 1989, and now rain threatens to postpone this celebration until November.

• Your Boise State Broncos are taking the week off in preparation to play host to Fresno State. So you're best bet is USC this week.

AND FINALLY
The final days of The Bish regime are coming to an end, and he is going out with a bang. The Bish is playing all of his hits. This gem from his Wednesday column. Here is his timely take on the NFL never coming back to LA. Well, guess what, gentlemen? We've managed to get over it.

Ah, but wait for it folks�

It has been harder for some of us than others, especially those of us who grew up in the late 1950s, when the Rams were the most enthralling franchise in town, and their owner, Dan Reeves, was a visionary who pioneered the idea of putting pro football on television.

So your opinion means nothing if you grew up following the Rams in the 1970s and 1980s. And he wondered why people wanted him fired. What a pompous (expletive). BTW, the Chargers had better pound the St. Louis football team. Those of us who still like to watch football (which the Bish admitted he does not) demand it.

30 Rock: Is it because she's a lesbian?

Today's column deals with NBC's Thursday shake-up at greater length, plus Liev Schreiber doing fill-in work for William Petersen on "CSI."

As for "30 Rock" itself, Alec Baldwin continues to carry the show on his broad, hairy back. Liz choking alone (twice) was lifted from a Miranda subplot on "Sex and the City," but I thought it was funny that they cast a hot blonde "Law & Order" alum as Liz's lesbian date, only they didn't get the right one. Ah, it's okay -- Alexandra Cabot always gave out a butchier vibe than Serena.

What did everybody else think?

Lost: A tale of two islands

"Lost" spoilers coming up just as soon as I drop one of my two or three favorite "Used Cars" quotes: "If I can build and install a pacemaker in this man's chest, well I can damn well bounce a microwave off a satellite!"

So, the big mind-blowing revelation that the ads were promising is... what? That The Others Goodtime Family Aquarium Solution is on an entirely different island? That Sawyer is only slightly less guillible than Locke? (Not that we didn't already know this.) That New Guy Paulo is such a dick that, not only does he not want to help anybody ever, but he likes to pass the time hitting the castaways' limited supply of golf balls into the ocean? Help me out here, folks, because my mind remains thoroughly unblown.

These extended visits with The Others are starting to bother me, and not just because it means we've spent about 70% of the season so far away from Hurley, Locke, Eko and Desmond. It's just getting too repetitive, and we're only a month in. The Others have the ultimate home court advantage, can do anything to their three prisoners, can play random mindgames, etc., without giving so much as a hint of what they're about. As I've said a million times before, I don't care about getting answers, but in this particular case, the answers are quickly becoming the only potentially intersting thing about The Others. (Save Ben, since I could probably spend an hour a week watching Michael Emerson get mad and beat up Sawyer, torture bunnies, etc., etc.)

A decent enough flashback, especially since I'm always in favor of seeing Kim Dickens get a paycheck, but did anyone not see that Sawyer was playing Mr. Nia Vardalos?

Anyway, after enjoying most of the first two episodes, I've been checking my watch a lot the last two weeks. Not a good trend, especially since there are only two more episodes before the show goes away until February.

What did everybody else think?

Who Were the Marketing Wizards...

An MLB advertisement for a New York Yankees holiday ornament featuring a plane-flying Santa Claus has irked some Yankees fans who felt it was a little insensitive after the death of Cory Lidle. Yeah, like the MLB was in a marketing session and thought, �How can we capitalize on Cory Lidle�s death? I got it, a flying Santa Claus in a Yankees plane. It will seem totally out of character because, you know, Santa Claus never flies.� Idiots.

Was it an unfortunate coincidence? You think? But good Lord, Yankees fan, it isn't always about you. Other teams likely have the same Santa ornament. You know, teams that had Lidle for longer than a month. It's time to get over yourselves Yankees fans.

Although, MLB did release a set of baseball urns, so you never know. But seriously, it is not the worst related sports items ever produced. Like what about the Steelers Santa riding a motorcycle? Now that might have been a little bit insensitive. Did you know that O.J. Simpson had endorsed a set of steak knives just days before he murdered his ex-wife and some dude. Shawne Merriman has had to delay the release of his own line of supplements. Or many people might not remember but Carroll Rosenbloom had endorsed a set of floatation devices like a month before he drowned. Now those might have been a little insensitive, but not this.

Logan + Logan = ????

Thoughts on, in order, "Veronica Logan," "Logan Girls" and "Friday Night Logans" just as soon as I Logan my Logan with some Logan, and possibly top it with an order of Loganberry pancakes...

So what exactly are the differences between VM-Logan and GG-Logan? Both are sons of privilege, with abusive (or, at least in the case of Mitchum Huntzberger, emotionally distant) fathers, they surround themselves with obnoxious rich friends, know how to be polite in front of adults but generally behave like asshats except when they're around their respective girlfriend -- and even there, it can be iffy. Genetics aside, if Jason Dohring and Matt Czuchry tried to pull the Prince and the Pauper gag and traded places for a week, would anyone be able to tell?

Which, of course, made casting Czuchry as VM-Logan's long-lost half-brother on last night's "Veronica Mars" seem like such genius casting that it didn't occur to me that he was an impostor until he mentioned that he surfed. (The episode was called "Charlie Don't Surf," an "Apocalypse Now" tribute.) A nice showcase for Mr. Dohring and a better Logan/Veronica story than last week.

The "Just Shoot Me" reunion gave an interesting twist to the usual private eye infidelity case, in that Keith's client badly wanted her husband to be a cheat -- and not just because she liked having barefoot pizza parties with Keith. Looked like Keith wanted that, too. I am unspoiled on this, and am curious to see if she returns down the road.

The heavier focus on the rape storyline was welcome, though the amount of time spent on Logan Squared robbed it of some urgency, particularly at the end. I'm sure we'll deal with the mysterious Asian guy in the photograph next week, but it felt off to have Veronica clear the frat and then immediately go back to helping Logan without making any apparent effort to track this guy down.

Speaking of our mystery man, there was a "Lebowski" shout-out in that scene where Veronica said "The Chinaman is not the issue here," but the censors cut it. So we had to settle for the "Careful, man, there's a beverage here!" In other Things That Got Cut, the girl with the rat trap idea was at one point going to be Alia Shawkat's character from "The Rapes of Graff," but they couldn't get Shawkat to come back for some logistical reason. And I have to assume there were more Wallace scenes that wound up on the cutting room floor, because I know how carefully Rob and company try to dole out appearances by the non-Veronica/Keith/Logan characters, and they wouldn't waste one of Percy Daggs' episodes on a single scene, would they?

On to the show where the other Logan actually plays Logan, "Gilmore Girls" continues the hard sell on the Lorelai/Christopher relationship, arguably past the point they needed to. I think I understood Lorelai's point in the scene where she contrasted Chris abandoning Rory with Sherry abandoning GiGi, but it came across as her absolving him of all guilt because he was just a stupid kid. (As opposed to him continuing to float in and out of Rory's life through all of his 20s and most of his 30s...) And I'm surprised Lorelai or Sookie failed to mention the other pitfall of sending GiGi to Paris on her own: if Sherry suddenly becomes so gripped with maternal feelings that she doesn't want to give her back, Christopher's going to have a much harder time re-asserting custody across international borders.

While GG-Logan doesn't make me want to punch him in the face quite as often as when he was first introduced, I still don't care much about him or his relationship with Rory. But once again I'm relieved that the Rosenthal regime has characters actually expressing their feelings immediately instead of passive-agressively stewing for half a season. And wasn't that the Orbit gum girl as Logan's leggy colleague?

For me, the highlight of the episode -- outside of the look of pure, Stanley on Pretzel Day glee on Richard's face at the prospect of seeing the Emily in jail photos -- was the bad pickle smell, which was silly and broad but got just enough screentime that I didn't get sick of everyone's horrified reaction to it.

Finally, we have our one non-Logan-related drama of the evening in "Friday Night Lights." (And I tried really, really hard to find some kind of Logan-ish element. Closest I came was the fact that the actor who plays Voodoo is also on "The Game," which airs on the same network as both of the Logans.)

I don't know that this episode was quite as gripping as the first three, but I liked the extended focus on Saracen, as well as continued realistic friction in the Taylor marriage -- and the meeting of the two stories when Coach realized he had just suggested that his quarterback get his daughter into the back of a Volkswagen (or similarly uncomfortable place).

Questions: Is there any way the Street rehab storyline doesn't turn into "Murderball: The Series"? Will the writers need to make Voodoo commit some particularly heinous act to justify Saracen's continued status as QB One? And whatever happened to the good old days when high school sports rivals just stole each other's goat mascots?

What did everybody else think?

NBC brings the funny back to Thursdays

Sorry for the delay in comments on "Gilmore," "Veronica" and "Friday Night Lights," but while I was wrestling with my thoughts on each, NBC went and announced a big shake-up of their Thursday lineup. Short version: "Deal or No Deal" is gone from the night, and beginning Nov. 30, "Scrubs" and "30 Rock" take over the 9 o'clock hour. ("30 Rock" also gets a super-sized episode on Nov. 16, along with extra-length "Earl" and "Office.")

Not sure what to make of this. On the one hand, I'm glad to see "Scrubs" back early, and to see "30 Rock" getting a chance on a different night. ("20 Good Years" is dead.) But I can't see any scenario where those two shows aren't going to get destroyed by "Grey's" and "CSI" -- especially since there's so much thematic overlap between "Grey's" and "Scrubs."

And I need a ruling: Is it ironic that "30 Rock" is now going to air in the timeslot that NBC was afraid to leave "Studio 60" in?

Chunky Curse Strikes Again

Add Matt Hasselbeck to the growing list of players affected by the Campbell�s Chunky Curse. The Hater Nation first discovered and has long trumpeted the Chunky Curse as the premiere sports curse, long since passing the Sports Illustrated and Madden Cover jinxes. The other may get the ink, but consider the impressive list of athletes that have been taken down by a brand of soup.

Terrell Davis: The former sixth-round draft pick went from the NFL�s most dominant back to out of the league in the blink of an eye. Made Gale Sayers and Bo Jackson seem durable.

Donovan McNabb: The Eagles quarterback went from being the golden boy of NFL quarterbacks to puking his soup at the Super Bowl. Lost to a 62-yard field goal. Yeah, of course he did.

Marcella Lowery: Had a promising career as �Miss Noble� on NBC�s The City Guys. Now she has disappeared quicker than the lady who played Miss Bliss on Saved by the Bell after appearing as McNabb�s mother in a few spots.

Michael Strahan: Garnered a bogus sack record when Brett Favre took a dive for him. It is hard to make Mark Gastineau look credible, but Strahan did it. He also was outted by his ex-wife during his divorce proceedings.

Brian Urlacher: Dated Paris Hilton, but didn�t star in any home movies. Remember that one big play Urlacher made last season to push the Bears to victory? Don�t feel bad, nobody does.

Kurt Warner: Two words�Brenda Warner.

Reggie White: The Minister of Defense morphed from perceived good guy to the black Rush Limbaugh with one trip to the Wisconsin state legislature.

Jerome Bettis: Tough call here. The dude did win a Super Bowl in his hometown recently. But remember that fumble against the Colts in the AFC Divisional Playoff Game? Tough call.

Ben Roethlisberger: Big Ben pulled a Super Dave Osborne on some lady�s windshield, had his appendix removed and miss Sunday�s game with a head injury. The ultimate curse? He has to live in Pittsburgh.

The Pittsburgh Steelers: The anonymous linemen also got some much-needed publicity this year thanks to Campbell�s. The team is now 2-4 and in danger of making the playoffs.

Matt Hasselbeck: It�s not to say that E.J. Henderson�s hit was a touch late, but even Charles Martin was offended. Well, he would have been if he wasn�t dead. (And really, it is too soon to pull another Kimo van Oelhoffen joke.)

Steve Bisheff: The Bish signed a six-figure deal with Campbell�s days prior to being released by the Register.

Check out The Hater Nation Forums.

Giants Get All the Breaks

At least the NFL is no longer trying to mask its favoritism for the Giants now that back judges are throwing themselves into opposing players to give the Giants a touchdown. Like what happened to the Cowboys Roy Williams on the Giants opening drive. Obviously giving the Giants an extra home game last season was not enough, the refs are really taking it to an extreme this year.

The situation had gotten so far out of control; you figured that one of refs was going to jump on Tiki Barber�s errant fumble. It is surprising that the officials didn�t rule a �down by contact� because you know the thought at least crossed their mind.

And what about the replay challenges? The Giants have never lost a replay challenge, like ever. Never, never, never. Anytime a referee sticks his head underneath the hood to review the video, they are greeted with a picture of Opie Goodell giving them the finger and threatening to sleep with their wives. How on Earth could a referee look at Eli Messiah clearly fumble a football and rule it an incomplete pass? Oh yeah, he plays for the Giants. That would have been ruled a fumble for 90 percent of the quarterbacks out there. Luckily, until the league learns how to surgically give Eli a pair, we won't have to worry about the Giants making it to the Super Bowl.

• Note: Tiki Barber is set for a career in acting after his performance following the fumble. Nice of him to lay on the ground for a few extra minutes during a prime time game so the booth could rave about him. Somebody has been well-trained in the Rod Tidwell School of Performance Art.

• Lil� Hater�s addendum: Hey look, the Giants might not get an extra home game this year (but don�t bet against it), but they also will get the advantage of a home night game as NBC has exercised one of it�s �flex picks.� Great, more Tiki in prime time. I would like to mention the big upside of Barber retiring this year; hen he gets his totally undeserved, laughable HOF induction, we�ll be able to see the modern game�s Interception King (Favre) and Fumble Leader inducted on the same day. Why not induct Norv Turner, the Biggest Loser Coach Ever, that day too.

Check out The Hater Nation Forums.

Studio 60: Try not to be funny, we're doing a TV show

"Studio 60" spoilers just as soon as I can get Aaron Sorkin to quit clubbing me over the head with the clue-by-four...

Hey, on the plus side, we didn't have to sit through sketches that weren't funny (though, apparently, Matt has now written Commedia Dell'Arte into three of the four episodes since he took over, because that's not remotely hacky at all), and Lauren Graham got fractionally more to do than the week before. (In fairness, she probably just ran over to the "Studio 60" soundstage on lunch breaks, so I doubt they could have given her a major role, but it was a waste.)

On the downside, Simon wasn't the only person who could see every. single. line. coming before it did. As soon as Eli Wallach wandered in, I knew he had worked in the building and waited in increasing frustration for the lightbulb to turn on above Cal's head. As soon as Jordan asked Darren to sign the ball, I knew he wrote his phone number. As soon as Matt and Simon walked out on the first comic, I knew they would wind up discovering another black comedian who was more their speed. (Did you catch the guy making a reference to 19th century madrigals as Matt was trying to shut Simon up? That's only a hop, skip and a jump away from the Commedia Dell'Arte! Kindred spirits, baby!) About the only thing I didn't call in advance was that Tom's brother was fighting in Afghanistan; I assumed it was a "Stand By Me" situation where the favorite son died. Aaron's not the most subtle writer even on his best days, but the entire hour was thuddingly obvious.

And since I didn't have any sketches to drive me up a wall (save the Commedia references at the top), I had to take comfort in the paint-by-numbers characterizations: the Midwestern parents who are such sheltered rubes that they've never even heard of "Who's on First?," or the cheap black comic who tells the kinds of jokes Homer Simpson was laughing at 15 years ago ("We are sooooo lame!") and yet is somehow considered promising enough that Bud Friedman invited Simon to watch him, or Simon revealing himself to be a character from "Boyz N the Hood" or "Juice," or the bimbettes who want to break into the business but don't understand what a writer does. And, of course, Jordan turning into Aaron's classic Seemingly Tough Professional Woman who's really just a big, messy ball of mush. Swell.

There were some promising ideas at work here, but the execution made them all seem like the sort of thing Beavis and Hackboy might dream up. Speaking of which, where are those guys? Or Young Aaron Sorkin, whose "West Wing"-esque "Nations" led to the one genuinely funny scene, with Jack hassling Danny? Will we start getting new Sorkin stand-ins every week until the show becomes, as my friend Phil joked, like that scene in "Being John Malkovich" where Malkovich goes inside his own head? Sorkin. Sorkin. Sorkin? SORKIN!!!!!!!

I could rant more at length, but I have to get back to "Prime Suspect." So what did everybody else think?

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a... guy in his pajamas?

Superheroic feats -- or, in some cases, just costumes -- abounded on "How I Met Your Mother," "The Class" and "Heroes." Spoilers, in that order, coming up right about now...

One of the many things I love about "How I Met Your Mother" is the way it's only nominally a three-camera sitcom. Yes, it's shot on video and has a laughtrack, but every week the writers come up with some new storytelling twist, whether it's subtitles at a noisy club, flashbacks shown twice with different meanings or, last night, Barney going all Marlin Perkins with his analysis of how to identify and bag The Cougar. Bonus points for finding post-"Malcolm" employment for the genius that is Bryan Cranston and for picking up the baton that "Wedding Crashers" dropped after 20 minutes and making good use of Jane Seymour's, um, attributes. After "The Office," this is the best comedy on TV right now...

...which makes each episode of "The Class" suffer even more in comparison than if it aired after, say, "Old Christine." After this one, I think I'm out. I like many of the actors, and there are occasionally funny bits (last night it was the FDR costume), but the bad stuff is just so grating, and six episodes in, it's obvious that Crane and Klarik aren't getting the memo about Holly and her husband. Somebody let me know if they ever get around to punting about half the cast and I'll give it another go.

The first "Heroes" without an OMFG cliffhanger, but the circularity of Peter passing Future Hiro's message back to present Hiro was cool enough to compensate. The characters continue to come together nicely, whether it's Hiro's fanboy encounter with Nathan at the diner (and for series TV, the effects on Nathan's supersonic flight were pretty nifty) or Ando showing up at Niki's doorstep. I even don't mind her and Peter anymore, so they're doing something right. Plus, Jack Coleman (Claire's good/bad dad) just got made a regular castmember, cementing one of the more unlikely TV second acts in recent memory. (He was Gay Steven #2 on "Dynasty," then spent the last two decades doing mostly anonymous guest star work.)

A few minor problems: 1)Present-day Hiro's grasp of English took a major leap forward from last week to this one. If he's able to carry on even a clumsy conversation with Nathan, why can't he leave a semi-coherent message for Isaac?; 2)Don't really care about Officer Matt's marital problems and would like to get him integrated with some other main characters, and soon; and 3)While Niki's ex-husband and Claire's father's sidekick don't look exactly alike, there's enough of a resemblance that the fact that neither one has spoken so far is confusing. Get them both talking, or put one of them in a rainbow clown wig. I don't care. Just do something.

What did everybody else think?

Speaking of Massive Attack...

... it's time for a massive catch-up, before I get too bogged down toggling between Giants-Cowboys and my regular Monday night shows. Really brief spoilers for, in order, "Gilmore Girls," "The Nine," "My Name Is Earl," "Kidnapped" and "Dexter" coming up in a jiffy...

Here's the funny thing about "Gilmore Girls": For all the deserved bitching about April as the Cousin Oliver and Lorelai sleeping with Christopher, I don't have a problem with either April or a Lorelai/Christopher couple in a vacuum. I just hated how April was used to make the Lorelai/Christopher thing happen. April as a character is fun, and she brings out a diffrent side of Luke. Meanwhile, Lorelai and Chris have always had chemistry, and the last year or so of the show established that he had finally grown up, so I can see them working together, even if the first six years of the show conditioned me to want Lorelai to end up with Luke. The "Snakes on a Plane" teaser was the most "Gilmore"-y scene we've gotten post-Palladinos, and Lorelai basking in Emily's arrest was close behind.

For all that Hank Steinberg has said he learned from "Lost" and "Prison Break" how not to piss off his audience with the slow reveal, it really feels like "The Nine" is dragging out its account of the hostage crisis. Three episodes in and we're still only on the first 10 minutes or so of the robbbery. It's especially frustrating because the robbery scenes are far and away the best part of each episode, making this show a kind of mirror, mirror version of "Lost," only instead of spending too much time on the past, they're spending too much on the present.

Despite featuring minimal contributions from Joy and Randy, this was probably my favorite "My Name Is Earl" of the season, thanks to TV-Kramer as the lead singer and another fine appearance by Vonnie Ribisi as Ralph.

And so "Kidnapped" begins its end on Saturday nights. I'll be curious to see whether NBC sticks to their commitment to air all 13. I believe Kevin Reilly would, but is he or Zucker calling shots like that? And because they're compressing a 22 episode story down to 13, I find myself not bothering to think too much about whodunnit and why. Instead, I just enjoy watching this group of actors work together. Damn shame they won't get to do it for very long.

Finally, I'm still loving "Dexter," but aside from Dexter himself, Flashback Harry and maybe Rita, I find myself not caring all that much about the characters. I understand the philosophy behind wanting to flesh out the supporting cast -- if this show runs for years and years, Dexter won't be able to carry every episode all by his lonesome -- but he's such a bizarre, unique, riveting character that the relatively normal concerns of Angel with his failed marriage or Doakes and his hassles with the mob or the Lieutenant displaying human emotion feel really pedestrian. On the plus side, the revelation that the security guard was still alive, albeit not all in one piece, was extra-creepy, and reminded me a little of Mr. Sloth from "Seven" or the William Hurt charcter in the original "A History of Violence" graphic novel. (When I heard the movie eliminated that story element, I was stunned: how do you get David Cronenberg to direct a movie where one of the characters has all of his limbs gradually amputated over several decades and then cut all the amputations?)

Back to football...

Great moments in scratch music

So this afternoon I watched a rough cut of the pilot for "3 lbs.," the CBS drama that's going to take over the "Smith" timeslot in a couple of weeks. It stars Stanely Tucci as a brilliant but arrogant neurosurgeon and Showkiller Mark Feuerstein as his compassionate young sidekick, and if that description doesn't already remind you of "House," about two-thirds of the way through the pilot, the song that pops up on the temp soundtrack is "Teardrop," by Massive Attack -- better known as the theme from "House."

The Post Mortem

Apologies for the tardiness of the Post Mortem; spent the weekend celebrating with the surviving members of the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers who uncorked many bottles of champagne as the last winless team finally won. The Cardinals would be making a push to be the first-ever 0-16 team if they had not won the season-opener against San Francisco. What a horrible, horrible team the Cardinals are.

So it figures that the Raiders would beat them.

But give the Raiders credit for finding a team that is bad as they are. And yes, there are certain sects of Raiders fans who are now planning to make it down to the Super Bowl because the Raiders are back baby. Nobody beats the Raiders six times in a row. Nobody!

Congratulations Raiders. But nobody is going to be impressed until you beat, you know, an actual NFL team.

CHEATERS

What's with all the cheating?

Sunday was a day for cheating as the Tigers Kenny Rogers and the Chargers Shawne Merriman were involved in cheating scandals. Rogers was beaten up on sports radio today (in particular Dan Patrick�s radio show) for allegedly having pine tar on his palm. Yeah, what a moral outrage. But what do you expect Tony LaRussa to do? He turned his back when Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco were injecting each other with steroids when he was the manager of the A�s. You think he is going to make any noise when Rodgers is using a little bit of pine tar? If anybody is going to be cool with a little cheating, it has to be LaRussa. He did the right thing. If he raised a fuss, Jim Leyland could have ran out of the dugout and demanded Albert Pujols to submit a urine sample.

Did anybody note that the controversy occurred in the first inning and Rogers still pitched seven scoreless after he washed his hands?

Merriman�s situation is disturbing. Remember, this is Merriman�s second failed drug test. Players do not receive a four-game suspension until you fail a drug test for a second time. Needless to say, if Merriman had gone to the Giants, Tiki Barber would have found a way for him to circumvent the NFL�s drug test. The most surprising thing is that a 270-pound guy can�t naturally run a 4.2 40-yard dash. Yeah, that is shocking. Really, why is everybody surprised by this? But leave it to the Chargers to get their best guy suspended while the entire league is juicing. Well, except for Randy Moss, of course.

• The Chargers are 0-9 in games decided by four points over less over the past two seasons. That�s a bang-up job that Marty Schottenheimer is doing in San Diego. Art Shell is a horrible coach, but at least he isn�t squandering the career of LaDainian Tomlinson. Is is almost criminal.
  

• Donovan McNabb is a loser. Seriously. Who else but McNabb and the Eagles would lose to a team on a 62-yard field goal? Alright, other than the Mannings? It would be McNabb. They always talk about people being snake-bit, but you create your own luck. Like when you are golfing and you always seem to be stuck behind a tree. You think that you are the victim of bad luck. But in actuality you are just a bad golfer. Same deal with McNabb here. Three losses in the NFC Championship Game, a loss in the Super Bowl and now this. McNabb puts up good numbers and the Eagles win games, but he is not the ultimate winner.
  

• Props to the guys at the Wynn who started a B-U-C-S, Bucs! Bucs! Bucs! chant after Matt Bryant�s game-winning field goal in response to the loud-mouth Eagles fans who cheered each first down like it was the Super Bowl. It must have seemed like the Super Bowl to Eagles fans because they lost.
  

• Ben Roethlisberger has had so much bad luck this year, it is like he is playing against Kimo von Oelhoffen each week. Or maybe it is like Carson Daly said, it is karma. The Steelers look like a better team with Charlie Batch, though. And hey, Mike Vick can throw a little bit.
  

• (Expletive) the Panthers.
  

• Nice game, UCLA on a great team effort to come from ahead to lose. The offense pulled a Schottenheimer/Shanahan to give Notre Dame one last chance to win the game. Why doesn�t the team bootleg when Notre Dame was expecting run? The quarterback can fall to the ground if his receiver is covered to keep the clock running. That was bad, but going to a three-man rush on defense might have been worse. Notre Dame switched to a max-protect in that final drive, but the Bruins did not make an adjustment for that. Not like they had a chance, seeing that the game-winning drive was, what, three plays?
  

• Aztecs, baby! San Diego State notched the first win of the Chuck Long era with a depleted roster, to beat Air Force 19-12. Nobody beats the Aztecs six consecutive times! Nobody! You could really feel that the crowd at the Iron Maiden show was excited about the news, too. Boise State had another mad cover. And what about Washington State over Oregon? It just goes to show just how good the Pac-10 is.
  

AND FINALLY
�Here is something from our new album.� Nothing inspires a mad-dash to the beer line than that phrase. But if you would have spent the entire night in the beer line if you went to the Iron Maiden show on Saturday. The heavy-metal legends played their entire new album during their show, bypassing hits such as "Number of the Beast", "The Trooper" and "Run to the Hills." It would be like reading a Steve Bisheff column that wasn�t condescending or said, �You really needed to be there�� Just awful.

At least Elton John played his hits on Sunday night, after NFL Jennifer kidnapped your host following the Maiden show. She was a trooper. You know, like the song Maiden didn't play.

Doctor. Doctor. Glad I'm not sick.

Spoilers for the latest episode of "Doctor Who," plus some brief heretical thoughts on a bit of vintage "Who" coming right up...


So, on the recommendation of people here and elsewhere, I Netflix'ed the Tom Baker-era "City of Death" to see an example of the original series at its height. But what it mostly accomplished was to remind me of how terrific the modern series is.

Don't get me wrong: Tom Baker is a riot as The Doctor, and an obvious inspiration for David Tennant's performance, and with a pseudonymous Douglas Adams on the script, the dialogue is absurd and absurdly witty. (My favorite moment: when the dumb lug of a private eye smashes the sonic screwdriver into functionality, and The Doctor asks if the guy wants to be his scientific advisor.)

But I had a hell of a time trying to get past just how cheap the old show looked, not even the special effects, but the low-quality videotape, the minimalist sets and, most of all, the clumsy blocking. The modern show may not have the slickest production values, but it moves, you know?

Now, I understand that the old show had to operate on a shoestring budget, and in the context of both that and the era in which it was produced, I understand why the whole endeavor resembles a cross between a live TV show from the '50s, public access, and a Saturday morning puppet show. But having seen the Eccleston/Tennant version, I've been spoiled. And if I got so frustrated sitting through what many have claimed is the height of classic "Who," I don't know that I'll have the patience to go back and watch more. And I say that as someone with a healthy appreciation for old movies and TV shows that are even stagier than this. Sorry.

For me, "City of Death" stood in especially awkward contrast to Friday night's "The Girl in the Fireplace," which also had The Doctor dealing with historical figures, paradoxes and malevolent aliens. Even though I don't believe The Doctor would be dumb enough to not remember the different rates time passes on each side of the fireplace, his unconsummated love story with Madame de Pompadour moved me at least as much as last week's reunion with Sarah Jane.

I know it's not fair to compare an emotionally heavy episode to a four-part light romp, but I'm more engaged on every level -- including the comic -- by the newer series. If I had started watching the original as a kid, I would no doubt feel differently, would let nostalgia allow me to ignore the clumsiness of it all the same way I like to go back and re-read fairly primitive superhero comics from the early '80s. But like The Doctor and Reinette, I can't go back and rewrite my own past. It is what it is.

Wire week 7 talk for the On Demand'ers

After taking last night off to avoid competing with Game 2 of the World Series, "The Wire" is back this week with the mid-point episode, "Unto Others." Have at it.

Monday morning links

Two, two, two columns for the price of one today. Well, technically one ran yesterday, but who wants to be technical?

First up is a discussion from Sunday of why some foreign translations ("The Office," "Ugly Betty") work and some don't ("Coupling"). Today, I reviewed "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy," a Lifetime movie I actually didn't hate.

Binging and purging

First column link in a few days, in which I make fun of Jeff Zucker's "no scripted shows at 8 o'clock" proclamation, plus some thoughts on the ugliness that is "Breaking Bonaduce" season two.

Spoilers for "Ugly Betty" and "Survivor" coming right up...

"Ugly Betty" came reeeeeeallly close to going 4-for-4 with Betty offering to quit with the scene where Betty tried to fall on her sword in front of Wilhemina, but I didn't much care this time because the episode overall was a lot of fun. Betty's worlds colliding -- not sure which was funnier: her nephew in heaven at Mode or Amanda and Marc in Queens -- some new colors for all of the "villains," Betty yielding to her worst impulses in cursing out (Non)Fat Carol, even the first time I've cared at all about the Fey Summers subplot. The only downside: after that sweet final scene with Walter and Betty, I had "Beauty and the Beast" stuck in my head for the rest of the night.

The lesson seems to have sunk in with the "Survivor" producers: wrestling or fighting-related immunity challenges rule. Always. Beyond that, continued meh. The double-elimination was necessary with this many contestants -- they arguably need to do one or two more before the merge -- but both boots were exactly who you would have figured would go, "Plan Voodoo" fake-out or no "Plan Voodoo" fake-out. The only player I especially care about is Jonathan, in part because he seems the rare player to really understand both the game and the fact that it's not personal, in part because I once spent a nice evening with him and his wife back in the NBC days of "The Naked Truth."

What did everybody else think?

Battlestar Galactica: Let's get the hell out of here

Spoilers for �Battlestar Galactica� just as soon as I go set off this nuke I have lying around...

�Galactica� is not an action show. Ron Moore says this over and over in interviews, on the podcasts, at audience panels, probably even while he�s cleaning out the litter box. But as �Exodus, Part 2� showed, it isn�t that Moore and company can�t do action, but that they usually prefer to do other things.

Because this? This was like sixty straight minutes of �Hell, yeah!� Even though I expected most of the big action beats � the arrival of the Pegasus, Starbuck twisting the knife on Leoben one last time, Gaeta pulling a gun on Baltar � long before they happened, I still cheered them all. (The Kara/Leoben moment was especially tasty, because you knew she was playing him, knew he was too blinded by the crazy to see it, and knew that she was going to get out of that damn apartment for good.) I watched a version with extremely rough computer FX, but the image of Galactica descending through the atmosphere to get the fighters off so low to the ground was awesome even in the cartoony stage.

At the same time, there were almost as many chances to mourn as there were to applaud.

Tigh taking it upon himself to kill Ellen? Devastating. The Emmys are useless, anyway, but Michael Hogan deserves some kind of award for these first four hours. As if Tigh didn�t hate himself enough, now he has this on his conscience? Even if it may have been justified � and with the rescue attempt imminent, an argument could have been made to just bind and gag Ellen and deal with her back on the ship � you just don�t come back from having to murder your own wife, and for the crime of trying to save your own miserable alkie existence.

Katee Sackhoff was also superb, both in the aforementioned Leoben scene and the moment on the hangar deck when she discovered who Kacey(sp?) really was. A wee bit convenient that the poor kid�s mother happened to be right on Galactica at that moment instead of another ship in the fleet, but since I think we all knew Kacey wasn�t really her daughter, I�ll go with it.

That entire hangar sequence was just beautiful in its contrast of triumph and tragedy, of Adama and Lee hugging and being applauded while Saul walks off to be alone with his own pain and Kara stands to the side, unwilling to accept the full truth of what just happened to her. After having made peace with her own terrible upbringing and preparing to be a better mom to Kacey than her own mom ever was to her, someone literally snatches the kid away from her life.

Some other thoughts:

• �Damn you, Lee... Thank you, Lee.� Well, alright. I wonder if they teach you the whole �crash your Battlestar into a Cylon base ship at just the right angle that a big piece will fly away and crash into a second base ship� trick at the Caprica military academy. Now we know why Moore didn�t immediately get rid of the Pegasus the way the original show did, and I look forward to seeing the consequences of its destruction. This was the newer, stronger ship, not to mention the one with the facilities to build badly-needed new Vipers. So now the rag-tag fleet is down its strongest protector and the only place to have fun (Cloud Nine)? Something tells me the long journey to Earth is going to start feeling like those 8-hour road trips my family would take to Montreal where the only thing to pass the time was Mad Libs and the Geography game. Good times...
• Of course Roslin wanted to get away on Caprica One. That woman doesn�t mess around. Though, with Baltar gone, the ship technically belongs to Zarek, who was elected vice-president before the settlement.
• How horrible is Sharon�s meltdown going to be when she finds out that Hera is alive, and that the Cylons have her?
  
• Yet another parallel to Iraq/Israel/Northern Ireland/etc. with the scene where Baltar asks why the Cylons won't just leave, and they tell him that they can't afford to now because the humans are going to raise their children to hate Cylons, the cycle of violence will never end, yada yada. "Live and let live" seems to be a rapidly vanishing concept.
  

So what did everybody else think?

The Weak Ender

Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels of St. Louis for reaching the World Series. Jeff Weaver deserves to be the most valuable player in the American and National Leagues. Weaver is the only player in baseball this year that determined the fate of two teams. Weaver's pitching was the reason the Angels (the Los Angeles of Anaheim variety) didnt make the playoffs in the AL, but his game 5 start was the reason the Angels (of the St. Louis kind) will open at Detroit on Saturday. Yeah, baseball if pretty fair.

Weaver's presence on the AAoSL has made it necessary to root against David Eckstein, Scott Spiezio, Jim Edmonds and the Molina brother who never played in Anaheim. Of course, watching 50,000 New Yorkers eat a piece of humble pie is kind of cool, too. Especially when you consider that the Mets most celebrated fan, ESPN�s Sports Dork Bill Simons must have been agonizing inside, it was kind of a pleasant evening.

Pity, though, for Alyssa Milano who really, really loves the Mets.

• The notion of Tiki Barber being elected to the Hall of Fame has picked up steam. Peter King has said that he would likely vote for Barber. But a mocha latte will garner King's vote. And really, let this be a lesson to all budding sports superstars. If you remember reporters names, they will support you for the Hall of Fame or to be the NFL commissioner.
  
  Barber has had five solid seasons with the Giants, after shaking off an early career platoon. But have you ever considered Barber one of the best backs in the game? Really? He has never achieved the class of say LaDainian Tomlinson? Do his five season really stack up against a guy like Terrell Davis who was the undisputed best back during his (albeit short) era, won two Super Bowls, one Super Bowl MVP and rushed for more than 2,000 yards in a season? No. Barber has benefited from playing in a major media market, combined with an engaging personality. Barber really is a good guy. But the Hall of Fame is about being better than your peers. Barber has never reached that status.
  
  But as you are likely aware, THN are Hall of Fame snobs.

• How pissed are you right now if you are an Art Monk fan and King will vote Barber into the Hall, but won't give Monk any consideration?

• The Giants are believed to be in the market for Chargers back up Michael Turner, should Barber retire. The Chargers received Philip Rivers and Shawne Merriman the last time the two clubs got together for a trade. And they got rid of Eli Messiah, too. Can't wait to see who the Giants would give up this time. Frank Gifford's stewardess?

• Who do you pick in the Cardinals and Raiders game? It is hard to imagine the Cardinals rising to the occasion after that Monday night debacle. But it is even harder to imagine the Raiders actually winning a game. Matt Leinart is not going to lose to the team that he grew up idolizing and passed on him in the draft for some defensive back he torched in the Rose Bowl. Leinart is a winner. And the Raiders are not. Besides, you don't want to get into the game of picking the Raiders each week, thinking this is going to be the one that turns them around. As bad as the Cardinals are, at least they have talent and are trying to win. You don't always get that impression from the Raiders. THN pick: Cardinals.

• Rumors had it that the Raiders were interested in Jim Fassel as their head coach. What a great match for the Raiders. Not so much from the coaching aspect. Fassel is a good coach, but he is no miracle worker. No, Fassel would be a perfect fit for the Raiders because his weekly meltdown of "putting the chips on the table" would make Dennis Green's rant look tame by comparison.

• Remember when Mike Shanahan was considered an offensive genius? Now he has turned into Marty Schottenheimer as the Broncos are now employing "Shannyball" to keep the ball out of Jake Plummer's hands. Shanahan is now turning into a defensive coach, just like Brian Billick before him. That is what Plummer will do to you.

• But if you want real Jake Plummer bashing, you need to check out Divealanche.

• Brett Favre criticized the NFL drug policy this week saying that Koren Robinson should be allowed to hang out at the Packers complex. Uh, sure. The last place Robinson should be is hanging out with a group of enablers. Remember how Favre circumvented his drug suspension? By renting out a private room during the Super Bowl so he could have a few beers. It�s hanging around with NFL players that led Robinson to believe that he was above the law. Maybe Robinson should be allowed to hang out with the St. Louis football team so he and Leonard Little can crack jokes.

• Florida State will wear its all-black uniforms this weekend. No word on how this impacts Cowgirl's wardrobe. The only college pick you need this week is that Notre Dame is going to boat race UCLA. Badly. Alabama (+12) and Boise State (-21) are worth a look, too. If you are feeling saucy, try Tulane also. Poor Fresno State is going to get murdered on Saturday at LSU.

AND FINALLY
Analyst and player columns tend to be a little bit on the boring side. Cris Collinsworth's was great for years, but has really fallen on hard times this season. Although, this was a refreshing change. Still, these player blogs are about as entertaining as a Cowgirl mailbag column. The lone exception might be Dat Dude, Marcellus Wiley. When pressed for the best interviews during the NFL.com era, Wiley was always at the top of the list. Funny, creative and as a DJ, he was a hell of a defensive end. It should come as no surprise that his blog on NBC is the best players blog, like ever. It's that good.

Say your goodbyes to the Bish in The Hater Nation Forums.

The Bish Quits

Sources indicated that columnist Steve Bisheff has decided to shelve the dog-eared notebook and accepted a buyout from the Orange County Register. The news has sparked celebrations from Seal Beach to San Clemente that lasted far into the night. Orange County, your suffering is over.

Grey's Anatomy: Can you eat Reese's Pieces at an M&M?

Spoilers for the best "Grey's Anatomy" of the season coming right up...

So pleased, virtually all around. The Bailey subplot totally made up for that horrid "My pregnancy is the reason Denny died" monologue from a few weeks ago. I actually felt some emotion about all the McDreamy/McSteamy sturm und drang. I liked the segue of the Prince Albert storyline from farcical Montgomery/Shepherd parallel to crisis point for Burke. (The hand tremor plot is stolen from a "St. Elsewhere" plot where Dr. Craig injured his hand, but it's been 20 years, and if you're gonna steal, steal from the best.) Firing on all cylinders...

...well, almost all cylinders. All the stuff with Izzie made me as crazy as it usually does. Time for the all-caps: SHE KILLED A GUY. Not through a screw-up, or even a moment of weakness like the one the Chief described as a lame attempt for Shonda to get her off the hook. She deliberately broke every ethical code in the book and endangered the health of a patient because she had gone batshit crazy in love. Better that they just stop bringing it up then to continue these annoying attempts to pretend that they didn't do something that should have written Izzie off the show.

Oh, and can one of those interns please get Izzie into a headlock and drag her and her big wrinkled check down to the bank to deposit it in a passbook account or something? It's fine to wait until you know what to do with the money, but only a complete imbecile or lunatic -- like, maybe, the type of person who would cut an LVAD wire to move her bohunk up the transplant list -- would just leave the thing, uncashed, under a refrigerator magnet.

And now I see that I've written twice as much about what I hated about the episode than what I liked. Oh, "Grey's," why do you vex me so?

What did everybody else think?