Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Finale II

Wow, this is what Matt Parker and Trey Stone must have felt like after the famed �Cartman�s Dad/Terrance and Phillip April Fool�s Day� fiasco a couple of years back. It was just a joke people. But thank you for the comments, they were all, um, amusing. Very funny. But don�t fret, this thing has been prepared for a while (as far as you know).

Why your team won�t win the Super Bowl:



God bless the Oakland Raiders. The team stuck in a time warp. Watching the Raiders is like going over to your grandparent�s house to find a rotary phone on the wall and a television with no remote. If the Raiders offense was a piece of clothing, it would be a Member�s Only jacket.

Or do you have any friends that refuse to change with the times? Like their favorite band is Van Halen?

David Lee Roth�s Van Halen?

Odds are they are a Raiders fan.

The Raiders are that rotary phone. Literally. True story, the Raiders don�t have wireless headsets on the sidelines�they use a telegraph. Maybe that is why they didn't bother to challenge that Ronald Curry spot on Sunday�their TV upstairs didn�t get that channel. The Raiders do'�t change with the times. Nothing has changed since the early 1980s when Tom Flores was running the team. Except of course for that whole �Commitment to Excellence� thing. That is about as meaningful today as the name Datsun. Even Volkswagen had the common sense to redesign The Beatle.

The Raiders have tried to adjust with the times. Al Davis twice went outside the box to pick up two young hot shot coaches, Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden. Both coaches went on to win Super Bowls.

For the Broncos and Buccaneers, respectively.

Each time Davis has been jilted by a coach, he always ended up with Art Shell. An NFL coaching version of a booty call. Shell doesn't care if you use him one night, and don't call him back for a dozen or so years. He will still be waiting. It's not like anybody else wanted him during that time. But each time you are with Shell, you are dazed the morning after, wondering what the hell you were thinking.

And if Al Davis isn't wondering that right now, he never will. But what choice does Davis have anyway? Sean Payton turned him down. So did Bobby Petrino. Rumor has it that Fresno State coach Pat Hill wasn�t even interested in an interview. The coach of Fresno State did not even want to interview with the Raiders. Is that what the Raiders have been reduced to?

The Raiders are in no danger of reaching the playoffs, let alone even sniffing the Super Bowl as long as Shell is the coach. Some Raiders fans bought in to the myth that is Art Shell. They have become nothing but a bunch of enablers, allowing the Raiders to wallow in mediocrity because they continue to buy merchandise and give the Coliseum the occasional sellout. They act like the team has won a Super Bowl for the past 40 years. (Sorry, shouldn't have gone there.)

The Raiders are in no danger of winning football games as long as Art Shell is in charge. The Raiders are now synonymous with losing.

You know, that never gets old.