Bryant Upset Over Latest Loss

LOS ANGELES Star player Kobe Bryant exploded at his teammates moments after the Lakers beat the Cavaliers, 99-98, at Staples Center on Thursday night. Bryant was heard screaming in the clubhouse and allegedly broke a television monitor and tossed a couple of chairs�one projectile narrowly avoided Chris Mihm as he walked out of the shower.

Bryant had assembled the team to notify them that the Lakers actually lost on Thursday night, despite what the scoreboard said. Bryant informed that team that because LeBron James personally outscored him, 28-27, he was going to petition the league to have the game counted as a Lakers loss.

"I don't know why these guys are so giddy," Bryant said. "They had a good view of the scoreboard from the bench, and they could see [James] had more points. I�ve told these guys, if you want to win a ring, go play for somebody else. I have three. This is all about me and winning a scoring title."

The Lakers captain then motioned over to Lamar Odom and said, "It is hard to win a game with idiots on our team. Not only did [Odom] he shoot the ball too much, but that moron was celebrating after I made that last second shot. I mean, he needs to commit a foul so I can get one more chance to beat James. But he was out mugging for the crowd.

"Because of [Odom], even Zydrunas Ilgauskas scored more than me [29]. Ain't nobody coming to the Staples Center to see that cracker Ziggy Iguana.�

Odom nearly missed a triple-double finishing with 20 points, 10 rebounds, and nine assists. Odom had plenty of opportunities, but Bryant missed twelve shots�a couple that looked a little fishy.

Asked if he would miss a shot to keep Odom from a triple double, Bryant just smiled and said, �That would learn him.�

Is Kobe Bryant a jackass? Give us your take in the Hater Nation Forums.

"Arrested Development" lives... sort of

From a Fox press release (some spoilers included in the second paragraph):

A two-hour season finale episode of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT will air Friday, Feb. 10 (8:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX.

In the season finale, George Sr. hires a new attorney who asks the Bluths to participate in a mock trial to help prepare them for the real thing. The attorney gets actor Judge Reinhold to preside over the mock case. Meanwhile, Buster fakes a coma to get out of testifying and George Michael and Maeby participate in a mock wedding to entertain hospital patients. Back at the office, Michael discovers he may have a long-lost sister named Nellie Bluth (Justine Bateman). In an effort to get to the bottom of things, Michael tracks down Nellie and hires her as a consultant for The Bluth Co. Unfortunately, Michael discovers Nellie�s hands-on approach is more than he bargained for. Meanwhile, Gob goes to Iraq to perform his Christian magic act on the USO tour and ends up incarcerated. Michael learns George Sr. sent Gob to Iraq to burn down the model home he built there, so Michael and Buster fly to Iraq to spring Gob from prison. Together, the Bluth brothers head to the model home, where they make a discovery that could end the family�s legal troubles forever. Back in Orange County, Lucille decides to throw a yacht party to celebrate. The Bluths gather aboard the Queen Mary for a trip that ends up being far from smooth sailing.

Well, it ain't a pickup by Showtime or ABC, but at least we don't have to wait for the DVDs to see the last four episodes. And Fox is doing this in sweeps, no less -- albeit a weird sweeps where everyone is mostly playing dead opposite the Olympics. Feb. 10, not coincidentally, is the night of the opening ceremonies, so Fox is just using "Arrested" as cannon fodder.

There's such a fine line between stupid and clever...

...and "The O.C." has been on the wrong side of it all season. Two years ago, last night's episode would have been filled with meta references and gags -- at the very least, this should have been the show where Summer wore the "Donna Martin Graduates" t-shirt -- but here the silly Marissa plot was played straight. And for anyone who's actually watched the show for more than a few minutes knows what a bad idea that was.

Everytime the episode tried to firmly clamp itself to Marissa's ass, I found myself calling bullshit. Marissa was incredibly popular before Taylor's mom got her kicked out of school? No; she's been a Harbor School laughingstock ever since she OD'ed in Mexico. She was "a model student"? Um, isn't this the girl who basically stopped going to school for most of season two while she bunked with Alex?

Meanwhile, in the craptacular tradition of Evil Dean, we get another cartoon villain in Taylor's mom, who hates Marissa because... why? I get that once upon a time, it may have been a calculated move to increase her daughter's social standing and get her some friends, but now Taylor actually has friends, and mama Townsend is still waging vendetta against Marissa? Huh? Even before Julie had her occasional heart of gold moment, there was a little nuance to the awful things she did, most of which she thought were for the good of her family.

Between this episode and those skeevy commercials with that 14-year-old girl doing a Lolita impression as the long-lost Kaitlin, I think I may be out. The only reason I watched this one live was because I'd already seen last night's "My Name Is Earl" and "The Office" in advance. And speaking of which...

I thought last week's "Earl" (written by an ex-"Arrested Development" guy) was one of the stronger so far, but this was a bit of a backslide. Some jokes worked, like retainer girl's crush on Earl (cheap but effective), but Favreau's karma-free life wasn't ridiculous enough for it to work. At the very least, would it have killed them to put in a mug that reads "Who's the big winner?"

"Office," on the other hand, was brilliant. I didn't think they could get broader or slapstickier than the martial arts episode, but somehow, they did. The bizarre cause of the injury, Dwight's frenzied attempt to get to Michael even after crashing his car, Ryan's constant look of anguish at realizing Michael is about to ask him to do something horrible, Michael trying to stick his foot in the CT machine... I was in pain for all of it, and not the usual kind of pain associated with watching this show (that kind popped up during the staff meeting with the wheelchair-bound building manager). Originally, the episode last night was supposed to be a follow-up to Jim telling Michael about his thing for Pam, but I guess NBC wanted to go with the stronger show early in the new timeslot.

Morning links: Matt reviewed AMC's first original drama, "Hustle," in today's column. The press tour blog hasn't been updated as of this morning, which means either a slow day (nothing to blog about) or a busy one (no time to do it) at the tour.

What's Up For the Playoff Weekend?

The weather channel says there is a good chance of snow in Denver for Saturday's Divisional Playoff Game between the Broncos and Patriots. The snow, the Patriots against an AFC West opponent ... it is like a tribute to the Tuck Rule game.

While that game launched the Patriots dynasty, Saturday�s game will officially end New England�s run at the top. The NFL is likely praying for a Patriots versus Colts match-up in the AFC Championship Game.

It is not going to happen.

Before you say fix, remember the NFL would have loved for the Cowboys to go to Lambeau for the 1996 NFC Championship Game. But Kerry Collins and the Carolina Panthers did something Brett Favre and the Packers could never do�beat the Cowboys in the playoffs.

Fittingly, this version of the Patriots reminds me of that ill-fated Cowboys team. Both defending champions started 3-3; both had huge injuries on both sides of the football; the Cowboys, like the Patriots this year, went on a big winning streak at the end of the season only to lose its regular-season finale to a division rival; both snot-kicked their opening round opponents. The similarities are striking.

True, Robert Kraft did not fire Bill Belichick and replace him with an over-matched, retired college coach (what is Terry Donahue doing these days?), the injuries on the offensive line and on the defense (Rodney Harrison) will just be too much for New England. The Pick: Denver.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"They don't want to just sit there, line up and play football. They want to try to catch you off guard. They don't want to play smashmouth football, they want to trick you. They want it to be a thinking game instead of a football game." -- Steelers linebacker Joey Porter.

In other words Porter knows that the Steelers aren't as good as the Colts in the talent department, coaching department, or in the scoring points department. So he is going to call the Colts cheaters for trying to score on each possession instead of doing the cool thing and punting on first down at least three times a game. And be honest. When Peyton Manning isn't playing New England or Florida in the playoffs, he is good.

STEELERS V. COLTS

Did anybody watch this game on Monday Night Football a few weeks back? How do people even give the Steelers a chance in this game? Bill Cowher is such a one-and-done coach. The pick: Indianapolis.

BATTLE OF THE BEARDS

What a season for beard fans. Who do you think has the best playoff beard: Jake Plummer, Kyle Orton with the neck beard or Tom Brady with Bridget Moynihan?

Still not funny? It is still better than the Sports Dork, Bill Simmons, continually harping on Pete Carroll.

He stops, I stop. But asking the Sports Dork not to beat a joke into the ground is like asking the Raiders to hire a competent coach.

Like asking Kobe Bryant to pass the ball.

Like asking the Iron Sheik to not be upset at the fans for chanting, USA!

Like asking Will & Grace to be funny.

Like asking Brett Favre to not throw a game-crippling interception.

Like asking Steve Bisheff to not be pompous.

Nothing?

REDSKINS V. SEAHAWKS

You had all better be rooting against the Seahawks. Do you really want to spend the better part of your Super Bowl Sunday listening to your wife/girlfriend talk about how ugly the Seahawks uniforms are? Do you? Thank goodness Matt �We want the ball because we�re going to score� Hasselbeck is still leading the Seahawks. There is still a chance, but it will not be this week. The pick: Seattle.

PANTHERS v. BEARS

I know, using the same logic as the Colts/Steelers this should be a route for the Bears. But remember that Jake Delhomme is only a few years removed from going to a Super Bowl. The Panthers have lost a road playoff game in the John Fox era. And you think Rex Grossman is going to end this run? Think again. The pick: Carolina.

Enter your picks in the Hater Nation Forums. Or if you want to read some picks from somebody who knows what they are talking about, be sure to check in with the Sports Pulse or with Zach.

Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence...

...so what the hell is five times?

Ever since I recovered from the car accident, one of my goals has been to get back in shape and not look quite so much like what you imagine a professional couch potato would look like. Got a bike, and I ride it at least five times a week. Got free weights, and I use those every other day.
To motivate myself and keep all that stuff from gathering dust like it usually does whenever someone buys exercise equipment, I spent hours poring over my CD collection so I could build a kick-ass workout playlist for the iPod that would make Barney jealous for it's level of psyched-upedness. And so far, it's worked -- with one bizarre side effect.

I always put the iPod on random play, but for the last five workouts, every time I've started to do crunches (the last, and because of my big buddha belly, toughest part of the workout), "20th Century Boy" by T-Rex has come on. Every freaking time. There are over 100 songs on that playlist, and I rarely hear anything else repeated from workout to workout, but T-Rex, every time at the same time?

Add to this the fact that, whenever I stumble across "The Karate Kid" on cable (and it's on every day of the year), it is always at the exact same scene: Daniel-san picking up Elisabeth Shue to go to Golf 'N Stuff.

To quote Matt Kennedy Gould, what is going on here???????

Teammates Shocked to Learn Lakers Lose

PORTLAND Members of the Los Angeles Lakers were shocked to learn that their team lost to the Portland Trailblazers on Wednesday night. Most Lakers experienced surprise when coach Phil Jackson announced the loss in a team meeting following Kobe Bryant's one-on-five display in Portland.

Kobe couldn't even bring himself to speak with the media. So you know he was bummed.

Point forward Lamar Odom excused himself from the Lakers locker room to go double-check with the scoreboard in the Rose Garden and couldn't believe what his eyes had seen. Odom, along with the other ten players on the Lakers roster, spent most of the game in the visiting clubhouse.

"When I went into the locker room, Kobe was leading those guys by eight points," Odom said. "I looked up at the monitor a few times during our poker game and figured that Kobe would just rally them back."

Even Jackson could not believe it.

"I was upstairs having coffee with [Lakers executive] Jeanie [Buss] and I saw that he was down in the fourth quarter," Jackson said. "I made my way down to the sidelines during a timeout to see if he wanted my help, or to at least get four other guys out from the locker room. But he just waved me. Kind of like he has done all season."

Bryant will play host to LeBron James tonight at Staples Center. Odom said that he is planning a backyard barbeque for both his Lakers teammates and the visiting Cavaliers.

"We will have a lot of food, and then kick back and watch this game on my new plasma," Odom said. "Kobe told me that he doesn't even want us in the building for this one."

OTHER NBA NOTES

The Clippers are rumored to be acquiring the enigmatic Ron Artest. If that happens, the Hater Nation will actually take a great interest in the NBA for a change. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Congratulations From the Panthers

The Carolina Panthers would like to recognize Denise for being the only member of the Top Cats to not be arrested or make her way to the front page of the newspaper this season.

Thanks to our boys at the Sports Frog for alerting us to the news. Know of any other cheerleaders who did not have drunken sex in a bathroom stall? Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums. More pictures, too.

Smoke and miracles

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want a Mr. Eko lunchbox, a Mr. Eko t-shirt, and Mr. Eko Underoos. I want a Mr. Eko & Locke spin-off where they kick ass and debate philosophy every week. I think the only "Lost" episode I've ever anticipated this much was the first Hurley lottery episode, and this one was just bursting with coolness.

Start with the usually annoying Charlie getting off a great one-liner in "What, you're gonna beat me with your Jesus stick?" Then there was Eko's backstory, which explained away both Eko's spirituality and his massive ass-kicking prowess, and also established a thematic link with Sawyer, who also took on another man's identity out of massive guilt. The first time you see an actor in something, especially if it's as a really strong character, there's a tendency to assume the actor and character aren't too dissimilar, and while I never imagined that Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaie wandered around in a tiny wool cap killing and raping everyone who annoyed him, I still didn't expect the level of gentleness he can bring to Eko when he's not breathing fire out his nostrils and threatening to beat people with his Jesus stick.

But, much as I hate to descend into slobbering fanboy mode, the scene where the black smoke took the measure of Eko and vice versa was TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME! I usually don't let myself get sucked into the show's bogus mythology, but that was just perfectly shot, edited and played by our large new friend. This is the kind of reveal of "the monster" I was hoping for back in the first season finale, and it was worthy of the build-up -- especially since I hadn't seen any spoilers or hype about us finally getting a real look at the thing. I imagine several dozen bloggers, podcasters and webmasters have been up all night Zaprudering the sequence of flickering images as the smoke and Eko get nose to nose.

Rest of the episode did a good job of checking in with most of the other castaways. I'm still waiting to find out why the producers bothered bringing in Cynthia Watros (who I like but hasn't had anything to do), but I liked that Jack seems to have quietly accepted Sawyer's victory in the Kate love triangle, that Jin is fitting in more and that the Walt/computer cliffhanger wasn't completely ignored.

I have to take Julia to the toy store today to get some new alphabet refrigerator magnets, since she's hidden so many that we can no longer spell words with A's, E's or O's. I'll have to check the action figure aisle for any Eko-related merchandise.

Oh, and links: Matt's still blogging from press tour, and he reviewed the return of "24."

Paterno Feels Vindicated with Award

Penn State's Joe Paterno was named coach of the year by the American Football Coaches Association on Tuesday, marking the record fifth time his peers have chosen him for their highest annual honor. Paterno used the award as an opportunity to take a shot at those who had criticized him in recent weeks.

"I hope this shuts those mouthy broads up," Paterno said in regards to the National Organization of Women who had disparaged the 79-year old coach recently. A leader from NOW has asked Paterno to resign over comments made prior to the Orange Bowl about an alleged sexual assault.

"Those broads need to loosen up a little bit and have a good time," said the popular coach who led his team to a victory over Flordia State. "What they probably need is a good swat on the tush.

"I won't tell them how to clean house or cook dinner as long as they don't tell me how to run a football team. If you look at all of the solid citizens I have turned out recent years, you would see that I do not condone sexism. Look at guys like Kerry Collins and Larry Johnson. These are guys that really know how to treat a lady."

Open thread: Scrubs and The Shield

Since I watched the season's first four episodes of both "Scrubs" and "The Shield" in one great clump a few weeks ago, it's hard for me to separate memories of one episode from another. I'm pretty sure, for instance, that one of last night's "Scrubs" had the gag where Elliott's hands get transplanted onto J.D., and that Forest Whitaker gives Aceveda his chewing gum test on "The Shield," but I'm afraid to discuss either one for fear of mixing up episodes -- which, in the case of "The Shield," would be a big fat spoiler.

So, since the comments have kicked up ever since that Sorkin/Schlamme item, I'll open it up to anyone who watched either show and wants to comment. Did you like Whitaker? Do you think the gags on "Scrubs" are getting too bizarre even for that show? Whatever.

It's better than Irwin...

I used to think there was no activity more boring than sitting around an airport during a flight delay. After watching last night's "House," I know there's something worse: watching two TV characters debate their non-existent relationship while sitting around an airport during a flight delay.

Look, I like Sela Ward, and when she's just shutting down House's bullshit outside the boundaries of their great undying love, she's fine. But their incessant yammering about whether to bump uglies made me hope the annoying kid would come back and hit one or both of them in the head with his new rubber ball.

Much better was the bickering of the three House-ettes without papa to maintain discipline, and in honor of their using a reporter named Fletch, I present my list of Best "Fletch" Quotes, in no particular order:

• "Why don't you two go to the gym and pump each other?"
• "It's Dr. Rosenpenis."
• "Using the whole fist, doc?"
• "Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."
• "Look, defenseless babies!"
• "Does this proposition entail my dressing up as Little Bo Peep?"
• "I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you."
• "Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays!"

I could go on all day with those. Me and my friend Fitz went entire years in college without having actual conversations; we'd just quote "Fletch" at each other. Good times.

Do You Remember This?

Jon Gruden doesn't seem to remember because the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have gone a courting Terrell Owens.

That's one way to get fired, I guess.

Those who fail history are doomed to repeat it. Then again, the Buccaneers won a Super Bowl with Keyshawn Johnson so maybe Gruden knows what he is doing. The New York Jets also are among the contenders for Owens.

This would actually be a good move for the Bucs. Owens is going to be a model citizen for one year in an attempt to stick it to the Eagles. Just like he did in his first year in Philadelphia. Owens will smile while he is having his picture taken during his press conference and talk about how great of a quarterback Chris Simms is.

But the Bucs had better win a Super Bowl immediately. Because in year two, Owens will say that Gruden mugs too much for the camera, Simms has a noodle arm and is a little too laissez fair with the women (if you know what he means), Phil Simms is a boring announcer, and then say that his bad contract stems from the Glazers' religious heritage.

Still signing Owens can�t be a worse idea than Clerks 2.

Would you take T.O. on your team? Discuss it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Danes' Dames

It usually takes critics about a week of press tour before they lose their marbles (which means I'm going to get my head bit off a few dozen times just for saying "Hello" when I show up next week), but it looks like the insanity is happening early this time, judging by Matt's first blog entry and this column by Lisa de Moraes, who deserves some kind of lifetime achievement award for her skewering of the tour.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, as we sat down to watch "Gilmore Girls" last night, Marian asked me, "How long has it been since we've seen a new one?" I don't know exactly what it is that makes the WB's scheduling practices different from the other networks, but it always feels like there are longer gaps between batches of new episodes than there are at, say, CBS. And, of course, Lorelai and Rory enter Luke's diner with some meta references to their long absence from Stars Hollow.

Fortunately, this episode was packed with enough funny that it didn't take too long to get reacclimated. In particular, Paris was gold in every single scene. She and Doyle are clearly meant to be; their constant sparring in the apartment reminded me of Clouseau and Cato in the later Pink Panther movies, though Clouseau was never smart enough to think of a safeword. ("Saroyan! Saroyan!") She was even better tearing Logan a new one at the Yale Daily offices; I don't even think Logan looked that intimidated when Richard was accusing him of stealing Rory's flower. I think Amy was right that Liza Weil wasn't exactly right to play Rory, but I'm very glad she came up with another part for her to play.

Speaking of the actual Rory, Alexis Bledel was actually really funny during Rory's therapy breakdown. She usually does better with the dramatic stuff, or when she's letting herself be carried by Lauren Graham or someone else, but this was all her. Other great moments: Lorelai's horrified reaction to the new apartment (the only way it could've been better was if Alyson Hannigan randomly poked her head in and yelled, "Oh, HELL no!," though I think every comedy could be improved by such a moment), Sookie shutting down Luke's attempt to contribute in any way to the wedding planning, Lane turning into a darker version of Mama Kim (is it just me, or does Keiko Agena really look her age without the glasses?), and Mama Kim breaking out the dreaded spirits to help Lane get over Zach and the band.

The only thing I didn't like was Luke being struck by a case of Ebert's Idiot Plot Syndrome, where all the problems would be solved if the characters actually spoke to each other like grownups. I don't think I'm going to like next week's episode very much, judging by the previews. Also, when Sherilyn Fenn did that "Hmmm..." gesture after Luke left her house, was it "Hmmm... that went better than I expected" or "Hmmm... why did I break up with him again?"

More on "House" and "The Shield" after I get to the office and watch the former. And speaking of work, today's column includes a review of ABC's "Crumbs," which could be a lot better if it didn't have a laughtrack; it's basically "Ordinary People: The Sitcom" (or maybe "Garden State: The Sitcom").

More HIMYM hijinks

While we're on the subject of "How I Met Your Mother," a couple of other thoughts:

1)Whoever's responsible for Barney's Blog over on the CBS website is having an awful lot of fun with it. In the latest entry, he details his method of getting unpsyched by watching "classic films in reverse-adrenaline order," starting with "Top Gun" and ending with "Days of Thunder," and he includes his drinking game rules for "Top Gun," including "Each time a Mig (a Soviet fighter jet) appears on the screen, everyone yells "Screw the Russians" and drinks a sip." As someone whose first brush with media celebrity came as the result of a drinking game, I can appreciate that.

2)My friend Phil points out yet another reason that Future Ted must go far, far away as soon as possible: How creepy is it going to be when he starts telling his kids about the first time he scored with their mom? To quote Phil, "I think that would be their Armin Tanzarian moment, the one where they just have to say, 'Let us never speak of this again,'" and forget that Future Ted ever existed.

Lazy, but not free

Another big acquisition for the iTunes store: current and classic "Saturday Night Live" sketches for $1.99 a pop, plus a bunch of the "Best of" compilation DVDs for $9.99 apiece.

There doesn't seem to be any duplication between the compilations and the individual sketches, so you can't just download "More Cowbell." But the solo sketches include some classics and some head-scratchers. In Volume 1:

• "Word Association," with Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase. ("Honky honky!") A no-brainer, one of the best sketches of all time, and appropriate given Richard's death.
• "Brownie," with Gilda Radner. Another easy one; Judy Miller was Gilda's best character, and this is just pure Second City-type comedy, one actress bouncing around a set and playing off of herself.
• "Samurai Night Fever," with John Belushi. There are other Samurais I prefer ("Samurai Delicatessen," maybe), but not a bad one.
  
• "Theodoric of York / Medieval Barber": Quintessential Steve Martin, part one.
  
• "King Tut": Quintessential Steve Martin, part two.
  
• "Julia Child," with Dan Aykroyd: So memorable that when the real Julia died, the first image that came to mind was Aykroyd bleeding profusely from the finger.
• "Point / Counterpoint," with Dan and Jane Curtin: Easy choice, probably the highlight of '70s Weekend Update.
• "James Brown's Celebrity Hot Tub Party," with Eddie Murphy: The only Eddie clip; even though he's the biggest star to ever come out of the show, it wasn't under Lorne's watch, so those years are always referred to in obligatory fashion.
  
• "The Contestant," with Martin Short and Christopher Guest: Ed Grimley talks a Wheel of Fortune staffer out of committing suicide. The Guest/Short/Billy Crystal year is arguably one of the best the show ever did, but again, it wasn't a Lorne year, so we only get one sketch from them.
  
• "One More Mission," with Jon Lovitz and Phil Hartman: A sentimental favorite of the people who worked with Phil; it popped up in the Best of Lovitz special, and was talked about during the "Lost in the '80s" documentary. I've never been crazy about it, though; I can think of better material for both guys.
  
• "Five Timers' Club," with Tom Hanks and a cast of thousands: One of the most memorable monologues ever, even though it turned into a sketch halfway through. An argument could be made that this episode, which also featured Mr. Short-Term Memory doing a game show with Tony Randall, "The Global Warming Christmas Special" and Hanks and Dana Carvey with dueling Dennis Miller impressions singing "Jingle Bells," may have been the best "SNL," from start to finish, of all time.
  
• "Massive Headwound Harry," with Dana Carvey: Massive Headwound Harry, Meet Massive Headscratching Alan. What the hell is this doing here? If you have to pick a one-joke Carvey sketch, go with Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual.
  
• "Mr. Belvedere Fan Club," with Tom Hanks and Phil: This may be the first one I buy, if only because I don't think I've ever seen it in reruns. Incredibly random, creepy and funny, particularly their quest to come up with their own nickname for Mr. Belvedere ("Brocktoon") and Phil's poem about Mr. Belvedere ("...to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh...").
• "Perot/Stockdale," with Dana and Phil: One of Phil's finest moments. "GRIDLOCK!!!"
• "The Chris Farley Show," with Chris and Paul McCartney: Remember when Chris asked Paul if he remembered when he was in The Beatles? That was awesome.
  
• "Motivational Speaker," with Chris, Phil and Julia Sweeney: The first Matt Foley sketch. I was always more of a Bennett Brower fan, but there ya go.
  

Of note on the Vol. 2 list are "Schwetty Balls" and four sketches from this season, including "Lazy Sunday" (which is no longer free), "Lettuce" (the other digital short from The Lonely Island), "Christmastime for the Jews" and "Elf Motivation" (or, as I call it, "Glengarry Elf Ross"). Obvious absences are the lack of anything featuring Bill Murray, Chris Rock or Mike Myers. (Plus Spade and Schneider, but I never liked those years.)

Still, not a bad start. "Brocktoon." I would like some of whatever they were smoking the night that got written.

Be Gentle, It's My First Time

Maybe we were a little too hard on Eli Messiah. After all, it was his first playoff game. And it's not like he held the league and the San Diego Chargers hostage during the 2004 NFL Draft.

Oh wait.

But even though Eli and his family pulled a power-play with the league, it is too much to expect for a quarterback�in his first playoff game�to go out and make a difference. No quarterback has ever done that. Just look:

Tom Brady completed 32 or 52 passes for 312 yards and no touchdowns as the Patriots defeated the Raiders in 2002. New England would eventually win the Super Bowl. But this is not a fair comparison, seeing that Brady was a sixth-round draft pick

49ers quarterback Joe Montana completed 20 of 31 passes for 304 yards and two touchdowns as San Francisco defeated the New York Giants in 1981. The 49ers would win the first of four Super Bowls under Montana. But Montana's daddy was not famous.

Tony Eason was a first-round draft pick. The Patriots quarterback completed 12 of 16 passes to defeat the Jets in the 1985 playoffs. But while Eason would lead New England to its first Super Bowl, they would not win it. However, Eason wasn't the first overall selection in the 1983 draft.

Troy Aikman was a first-overall selection in 1989. Aikman completed 15 of 25 passes for 200 yards and two touchdowns as the Cowboys routed the Eagles in the former Bruin's first playoff start. Aikman would defeat the 49ers in the NFC Championship Game and beat the Bills in Super Bowl XXVII. Aikman also was named Super Bowl MVP.

Does anybody remember Kurt Warner? The former NAIA Division XII quarterback completed 27 of 33 passes for 391 yards and five touchdowns in his first playoff game as St. Louis went on to roll to the Super Bowl. But Warner was a former grocery clerk and AFL quarterback. He didn't have the family pedigree like Messiah. Besides, the Giants could never find a quarterback like that.

Then there is Archie Manning. Oh wait, Archie was never in the playoffs.

There has to be at least one first-round pick that absolutely stunk up the joint in his first playoff start? Oh yeah, Peyton Manning completed only 19 of 43 passes in his first playoff start, a 16-19 defeat to the Tennessee Titans in 1999. But at least Peyton has gone on to do some decent commercials. Maybe he can ask a shelve-stocking Warner for his autograph in the next one and say, "My little brother loves you."

But wait; there is one more for you Giants fans. How about the much maligned Chad Pennington? The fair-haired bomber completed 19 of 25 passes for 222 yards and three touchdowns in his first ever playoff game. The opponent? Peyton Manning and the Colts, who were drubbed by the Jets, 41-0.

Talk about the Messiah's failures it in the Hater Nation Forums.

How we met their mother?

First up, links du jour: my review of "The Shield" (I'll have more spoiler-y discussion tomorrow), and a mailbag column about Dick Clark, "Arrested Development" and a short-lived Newark cop show called "The Street."

Meanwhile, things either got pret-ay, pret-ay interesting over on "How I Met Your Mother," or just worrisome. After the last few episodes had me convinced that either the creators or CBS had decreed that Future Ted was a scumbag liar and that Robin actually was the future Mrs. Ted, the very end of last night's episode hinted strongly that the actual mom-to-be is some random hottie at the wedding, played by Ashley Williams.

Now, she was one of the few watchable things about "Good Morning, Miami" (the "Four Kings" of its day), but I can't help but feel that the producers are missing out on how much more likable Ted is when he's with Robin. If his chemistry with the new potential mama isn't as strong, then they've screwed up and will either stubbornly stay the course (ala "Ed," where Carol Vessey was always the least interesting woman Ed dated) or struggle to find an escape hatch.

And the thing of it is, I can't get too worked up about who Ted's going to impregnate, because the longer this show has been on, the less I could care about the premise. The best parts of this episode had little or nothing with Ted's quest to get laid: Lily making fun of Marshall's dream wedding, the fast-forwarded fight, Barney trying to score with the psycho bride, the psycho bride trying to kill Ted. Even Ted was funny in the non-Robin parts of the plot.

Then again, I could have given a rat's ass about Ross and Rachel after about a half-season of "Friends," and yet that was obviously what obsessed most of the fans, so what the hell do I know?

Meanwhile, over in warmer climates, Matt and the rest of the TCA (at least, the members who bothered to come for the first day) are getting ready to rap with Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter about her new Disney Channel sitcom. Not every press tour session can be a winner.

Lil' Hater Predicts: The 2006 NFL Draft

With the No. 6 overall selection in the NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select ... Marcus Vick, Quarterback, Virginia Tech.

Think that they won't? It was cemented this afternoon as Vick was charged with pointing a gun during an altercation with three teenagers. Vick pointed a gun at the teenagers after an alleged dust-up at a McDonalds in Virginia. It is unclear if Vick was at McDonalds turning in an application for employment. But a Raiders spokesman did say they were intrigued by Vick's upside. And seriously, it's not like he shot the kids or something.

Details are sketchy, but if you will allow us to go Marg Helgenberger on this crime scene: The incident occurred when the three youths approached Vick and asked for an autograph. One of the 17-year old boys point out to Vick that the autograph was misspelled with Marcus, instead of Michael. When Marcus pointed out that he was the brother of the Falcons quarterback the youths then poured their ketchup on the autograph, which enraged Vick. Or maybe the teens pointed out that Marcus will never have the career of Vick and will instead be converted to defensive back. Or maybe they said that if Marcus did become a quarterback he would be the worst little brother of a quarterback since Eli Manning. Vick will likely be let off with a misdemeanor if that is the case.

Discuss your own theory in the Hater Nation Forums.

His name is Leo and he dances on the sand

So let's see... HBO has the lights off until March, "Grey's Anatomy" was a clip show, continuing to avoid "Desperate Housewives" was on my list of New Year's Resolutions, so in terms of things I actually watched...

"The West Wing": Sadly fitting that the first episode to air after John Spencer's death was all about Leo. Even sadder is that it wasn't very good. Even by post-Sorkin standards, this was a predictable one -- anyone who didn't see Leo doing fine in the debate, not to mention that he was the source of the leak, needs an eye exam. I liked the interplay between Leo and Annabelle, Josh and Toby on the phone was good, and I appreciated a glimpse inside the Vinick camp that didn't make them look like the Evil Empire (maybe because Vinick was nowhere to be found), but overall: meh. I'm incredibly sick and tired of Josh being a complete moron, solely as a means to make Santos look smarter for always disagreeing with him (in this case, by telling Leo to skip the debate prep). Couldn't care less about Will and whatsername having the least romantic TV dinner of all time. Here's hoping Sorkin and Schlamme are coming back for multiple episodes.

"Cold Case": I wrote about this both in Friday's column and in a Friday blog entry, but just coming back to it for one reason: in this New York Times interview, "Cold Case" creator Meredith Stiehm says she was on the nose with all the songs on purpose, and that she originally wanted the episode to have no dialogue whatsoever, to let the songs tell the story. I'm sure she got talked out of that by someone at CBS or Bruckheimer Inc. who thinks deviating from the formula too much is bad for the bottom line, but I think the show would have been much stronger had she been able to go with the original plan.

"The Simpsons": This is the Be Careful What You Wish For season. I wanted more narrative coherence, I wanted more focus on the family and their emotions. I'm getting both, and yet the couch gags are almost always funnier than the rest of the episode combined. (Lenny and Carl as the new parents was the best family photo.) Now, Homer having an epiphany about Abe while lost in a multi-million dollar mini-sub isn't quite on par with Lisa developing a crush on her substitute teacher or Homer buying Marge a bowling ball, but if this season keeps going the way it has, I'm going to start asking for more wackiness for the sake of wackiness, sort of like...

"Family Guy": One of the better ones, and I loved the random cameo by Mark Borchardt and Mike Schank from "American Movie" as Quagmire's production crew for the lesbian video. Question: are we approaching a point where getting to do a guest voice on "Family Guy" is considered a bigger deal than "The Simpsons"? Probably not; if "The Simpsons" is good enough for Ricky Gervais and Michael Chabon, it's good enough for me.

Links now, reviews later

My review of "Country Boys" is up, as is a column where Matt reviews "Emily's Reasons Why Not" and I review "Jake in Progress," both of which can be summed up as "Meh."

Meanwhile, with the TCA winter press tour starting tomorrow, we're reviving the All TV in LA press tour blog. I already wrote a long introduction to press tour that somehow hasn't been posted yet (don't ask me why), and Matt (who's covering the first week of the tour) should start posting live sometime tomorrow afternoon our time.

When I'm at the tour next week, I won't have much time for amateur blogging, so I expect most of my posts here will be directing people over to the official blog, in a weird bit of self-referential theater not dissimilar from what killed "Arrested Development." (Or maybe not.)

Reviews of "West Wing," "The Simpsons" and more later today, after I get done paying the bills with a review of "The Shield." (In which Forest Whitaker is all kinds of awesome as the Internal Affairs guy who's hopefully going to take Vic down.)

UPDATE: The new version of the press tour blog is finally up and running.

Eli Proves to be False Messiah

Eli Messiah, while he showed that is obviously not the chosen one, also proved that he was no mere mortal, either. Instead he is a Manning. A family deep rooted in a playoff tradition�or at least failure in achieving anything in the playoffs.

Eli proved that he was chip off the old block in the Panthers 23-0 destruction of the Giants on Sunday afternoon. Eli tossed three interceptions and fumbled on another drive as the Giants looked more like the 1970s Saints instead of a team that won the NFC East.

"I didn't play well, and I made too many mistakes for us to win today," said Messiah, who finished 10-for-18 for 113 yards. "It was not the way I wanted to come out and play. I look forward to coming back and getting better."

You think?

Maybe Eli should take his daddy's lead and just boycott the playoffs altogether. Eli, will of course, get a free pass for this performance. His name carries a lot of weight, but the truth is Eli did not improve this season. His numbers were mediocre even with an MVP-like performance from running back Tiki Barber. Eli showed what the Giants offense would look like when Barber is shutdown (he had 41 rushing yards) and the offense rested on his shoulders. That should give Giants fans something to look forward to in the future. Your running back isn't getting any younger. Plaxico Burress disappears like a Manning in the playoffs. And most GMs wouldn't take Eli straight-up for Shawne Merriman right now. Good luck.

Even Chad Pennington wouldn�t want to be Eli right now.

• The Giants became the first home team to be shut out in the playoffs since the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost to the Los Angeles Rams in the 1979 NFC Championship Game. Sadly, it would be the only time the Rams appeared in a Super Bowl.



• The Bengals should feel fortunate that Carson Palmer was injured early in their first-round home loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Now the Bengals and its fans have a built in excuse. Yeah sure, the Bengals would have killed the Steelers with Palmer in there. Cincinnati had no answer for Pittsburgh as the Steelers started to roll offensively. The Bengals folded down the stretch and this loss was inevitable.



• It was nice to see all of the frauds in the AFC exposed this weekend. The Bengals and Jacksonville Jaguars both benefited from easy schedules to advance to the playoffs, and it is no suprise that they were knocked out of the playoffs. Look for at least one team, likely the Jaguars, to regress like the Chargers did this season. Ditto for the Giants on the NFC side. But look for the Buccaneers to get better as Cadillac Williams improves.



• Sean Taylor should blame the spitting incident on Roger McDowell, the secret spitter. If you noticed, his head went back, and to the left. Back and to the left. Taylor once again proved that defensive players are some of the dumbest players in the NFL. Lawrence Taylor on the Giants sideline cemented that thought.



• The Patriots looked very good on Saturday. But mentioning them this low in the story will feed Tom Brady's notion that his team is disrespected.

David Carr: Dude, I'm So Bummed!

Imagine you are David Carr today. You did everything you could to ensure that your team would land Reggie Bush in the 2006 NFL Draft. You even pulled a �Al Czervik� in the season finale to ensure that your competitive nature wouldn't get the best of you, and lead you to a victory over San Francisco. Then Houston-native and Texas hero Vince Young declared himself eligible for the 2006 NFL Draft.

Bummer.

There is no chance the Texans pass on Young. No chance. The Texans can now build on a team with Young and running back Dom Davis. Hopefully Carr will find Arizona far more hospitable.

Young said that he came to the decision to turn pro after a meeting with his mother and pastor. Who is his pastor, Jerry Falwell? Oral Roberts? Maybe his pastor was told he would be recalled to heaven if Young didn�t turn pro.

But seriously, there is no reason to believe that Young won�t have a successful career as all running quarterbacks such as Fran Tarkington, Randal Cunningham, and Mike Vick. And with so many scrambling quarterbacks winning Super Bowls recently, Young should have the Texans in the big game in no time. Who should the Texans take first? Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

We Have Our New Kelly Monaco

You are watching Dancing with the Stars.

Yes. You are.

And it is obvious that Stacy Keibler will win this thing. She already has one player-hating judge. But Keibler also has the benefit of a loyal fan base (much like that of soap opera maven Kelly Monaco) who should give her enough votes to win. Do you think that the Raiders fans are going to spend the $1 to vote for Jerry Rice? But can you ever really replace Monaco? Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Just two good young boys

Still basking in the warm, relieved glow of finding out the answer to the vending machine gag mystery. Today's links: my review of the return of "Battlestar Galactica" (it's not too spoilery), and a short review on the "Cold Case" Bruce Springsteen episode where all the songs are very on the nose (i.e., pathetic ex-jock sits around a bar talking about his high school years as we hear "Glory Days").

Sometimes, the whole getting episodes in advance thing can backfire. I'd already watched tonight's "Earl" and "Office" (not to mention next week's episodes) a few days back for my review. I will refuse to watch "Dancing with the Stars" up to and possibly even after my bosses tell me they want a column about it. (Matt still owes me one for when I covered the Emmys this year, so that may be a Don Corleone at the funeral parlor situation.) I spent just enough time watching "ER" to confirm that, once again, a primetime network drama goes out of its way to keep a regular character from getting an abortion, then bailed. So that left... nothing.

Fortunately, the last week and a half of '05 had already prepared me for nothing. I suppose the answer to non-television is non-fiction. I've spent a lot of time watching and rewatching "Country Boys," an amazing PBS documentary by David Sutherland (who did "The Farmer's Wife" eight years ago) about two troubled kids growing up in Appalachian Kentucky. It premieres on Monday (look for my review then), and while I'm reluctant to overhype anything, I think it's already a lock for my '06 top 10 list.

I watched the first two hours on my plane flight to LA for last summer's press tour, and I was just riveted. I usually spend a lot of the PBS portion of press tour catching up on my writing, but I made a point to be at that session, just so I would get a chance to meet Chris Johnson and Cody Perkins, the two subjects, and to get a sense of how they turned out after the cameras went away. Chris (a poor kid with negligible parents and anger issues), unfortunately, seemed to be stuck in the same place he is at the end of the documentary, but Cody (a born-again Christian metal singer with a dark autobiography) seemed to be doing just fine. I bumped into him and his wife (his girlfriend in the documentary) at the hotel pool, and we talked for 20 minutes or so about the experience, and also about how he was finding LA. (Being flown out there on a TV network's dime was obviously a much bigger deal for him than it would be for Third Actor From Left on Crap-ass Sitcom.) He said he did the tour of the stars' homes, making sure to stop for a while in front of Ozzy Osbourne's house. Then he went to Venice Beach. After being the only guy in his school with dyed hair, painted nails and multiple piercings, he was amazed to see everyone letting their freak flags fly in Venice: "It was like the family I never had."

I laughed at the line then, but after watching the entire miniseries recently -- in which we learn about Cody's mother's killing herself when he was a baby, about his father's involvement in a murder-suicide when Cody was 12, about the aunt who didn't want to have him in her home but was just fine being the guardian of his inheritance -- I realized he wasn't just dropping a one-liner.

Life sucks a lot of the time. "Country Boys," thankfully, does not.

And the heavens open up

I asked a half a dozen TV critics about that "Office" vending machine gag, asked at least as many friends who are as obsessed with pop culture as I am, and nobody could identify the previous show to use that gag. And just as I was on the verge of cold-calling sanitariums, I found this comment to that blog posting by Melissa:

In an episode of Undeclared, when they're trying to get even with the RA, they put all of his belongings in the vending machine in the hallway. That's the only thing I can think of. Hope it helps.

Melissa, whoever you are, thank you, thank you, thank you. That's it. It was like an itch that I couldn't scratch for days and days and days.

What is the Bain's take?

Everybody knows that Guest Hater Conrad Bain was not a huge fan of the bandwagon USC fans as evidenced by this post. So we waited with baited breath to hear the Bain's latest take on the epic game, but we were only able to reach his assistant who issued this statement:

Mr. Bain's elation over the USC punking lasted only as long as it took the camera to pan across the legions of hideous Texas fans at the Rose Bowl.

He was last seen climbing aboard a Leer jet at the Aspen air field, muttering something about how he hoped 'a lot of those white trash crackers in Longhorns jerseys mistakenly drive their rental cars into Compton tonight.'

Mr. Bain could not be reached for further comment.

A Picture's Worth:

Moments later Texas quarterback Vince Young laterals the ball for a Longhorns touchdown. There was no review on the play.

It's M-m-m-m-m-m-Matt day!

Because we can't do anything separately for too long (we're like Multi-Racial Siamese Doctor from "Scrubs"), Matt has started up a blog of his own, The House Next Door. In addition, he has both of today's Ledger TV stories: a column on all the coverage mistakes surrounding the mining disaster, and a review of "Four Kings" that's kinder than I would have been (other than Seth Green and a running gag in the third episode about punching people in the chest, it's unwatchable). So while we have to do most of the same things together, we're not always obligated to share the same opinions.

Media Advisory

For Immediate Release

Contact: James Whitfield IV
Goodwill Industries
1103 Figueroa Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90045
Phone: 800-Help-Now

Post-Rose Bowl Regulations for Goodwill Drop Offs

Goodwill Industries, while appreciative of those who want to help out, have now started enforcing specific rules at Los Angeles and Orange County-area Goodwill collection centers. The following items will no longer be accepted, effective immediately:

• Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart USC football jerseys
• USC car flags
  
• USC house flags
  
• USC Three-Pete T-Shirts
  

"We appreciate any item that citizens would like to donate to Goodwill," Whitfield said. "But since the Trojans choked in the Rose Bowl, our collection centers have been inundated by various socialites dumping loads of USC paraphernalia and clothing. We haven't seen a run like this since the Lakers lost to the Pistons in the NBA Finals."

Whitfield, in an effort to stem the flow of USC junk, pointed out that USC had a good recruiting class, along with a lot of returning talent. So he implores those not to jump off the band wagon just yet. But the news has not reached everybody as all of the fashionable homeless in Newport Beach are wearing USC jerseys this morning.

"This town loves a winner. And only a winner," Whitfield said.

In lieu of donating USC clothing, Goodwill has asked that you stop by the Hater Nation Forums.

Underdog USC Loses Game, Wins Respect

The USC football team was told by every gridiron expert that it had no chance to win the Rose Bowl. The Trojans were advised repeatedly that they would have no chance to slow down Longhorns quarterback Vince Young. But USC stood in with the best team in college football for nearly 58 minutes, taking the national champions to the brink of elimination.

Though USC would eventually lose the game, the won something much greater�respect from the college football world. The Trojans were huge underdogs to the heavily favored Longhorns. And though a point spread does not decide college football, USC has nothing to be ashamed of for its effort on Wednesday night.

Little-known stars such as Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart jumped into the national consciousness in the Rose Bowl. These diffident warriors chose to hide from the spotlight in an effort to prepare for the game. But the nation learned that they were humble warriors, valiant in defeat on Wednesday, who showed their true class in their post-game comments. And led by plucky coach Pete Carroll, it was no wonder the world was rooting for this team like it was the Special Olympics.

While the world is celebrating a Texas victory, we should take time to acknowledge that gutty little Trojans team who nobody gave a chance in this ballgame. The Hater Nation would like to salute USC and its effort�even though it fell woefully short of winning a national championship.

Talk about this great game in the Hater Nation Forums.

Guess who's coming to press tour?

The January TV critics' press tour kicks off early next week, and the latest version of the schedule contained quite the surprise at the end: the very last session of the tour will be for "The West Wing," and here's the list of panelists. Note which two I bolded.

"THE WEST WING"
Kristin Chenoweth, Star
Allison Janney, Star
Josh Malina, Star
Janel Moloney, Star
Richard Schiff, Star
Martin Sheen, Star
Brad Whitford, Star
Alex Graves, Executive Producer
Chris Misiano, Executive Producer
Lawrence O'Donnell, Executive Producer
Tommy Schlamme, Executive Producer
Aaron Sorkin, Executive Producer
John Wells, Executive Producer

Sounds to me like, at very least, Sorkin and Schlamme are coming back to write and direct the Leo farewell episode -- or, as one critic suggested to me after he got a look at the schedule, maybe they're just coming back to do the finale. Or they could be just one and the same.

A National Day of Mourning

It is easy to sit back and make fun of former Raiders coach Norv Turner. And believe us, we did. In fact, Lil' Hater was too choked up to participate today. He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lot of opportunity to hate on Eli Manning. But the time has come to recognize Turner for the true genius that he is. Nobody has done more than Turner to entirely discredit the Raiders organization. Nobody has done more than Turner to neuter Raiders fans, the most boisterous of the bunch.

Do not dismiss that last point so easily. Raiders fans are under the delusion that their team is a Super Bowl contender every season. Even during the Rusty Hilger era. Now Raiders fans have tucked tail, rolled over, and played dead. The bravado is gone. Raiders fans couldn't even muster up the strength to make it down to San Diego this season to stab a Chargers fan.

If Raiders fans lose interest in senseless violence, something is wrong. It all starts at the top with managing general partner, Al Davis.

"We want to win. The Raider fans deserve it. The Raider players deserve it," Davis said.

Actually, I am not sure that Raider fans really deserve it. These are not quality individuals. And the players? What has Kerry Collins ever done to deserve a Super Bowl? Collins is no more deserving of a Super Bowl than Todd Collins. It's like Clint Eastwood once said, "Deserves got nothing to do with it."

The old man continued on in his incoherent ramblings laying out what is expected of a Raiders coach. "You have to win and you have to win with a vision for the Super Bowl. That�s our passion here."

If Davis really wanted a winner, why was Turner hired in the first place? His tenure in Washington was evidence enough that he was not a good head coach. Instead of a vision for the Super Bowl, how about a vision for the .500 mark?

Davis does have a challenge in front of him. Not only does he want to hire a coach that will win. But he needs to find a new coach who will make it cool to mug for the cameras in the black hole again. A coach that will inspire new, insidious costumes from the Raiders fans. A coach that will inspire the hooligans in the empty-third deck to jump a Steelers fan in the bathroom again. A coach that will once again inspire the loons who have vacated the Hater Nation Forums.

That is why the Raiders need Mike Martz. The former St. Louis coach fits all the criteria. Martz has delusions of grandeur. Martz is an offensive genius. Martz would never condescend to learn anything about defense. Martz has no chance of ever winning a Super Bowl.

Martz is a Raider.

Leading the way

Back when I started writing reviews in high school and college (I think my first one was "Basic Instinct," which my 12th grade journalism professor surprisingly didn't kill), I could begin the review at any point -- middle, end, start -- and then go back and fill in the rest. But one of the bad habits I've developed over the years is an inability to write anything unless it's from the top down. Even if I know exactly what I went to say about why a show is or isn't any good, I can't start typing until I've got my lead figured out.

So when I got pressed into service at the last minute yesterday to do a combined review of "My Name Is Earl" and "The Office" moving to Thursdays, I had a problem. I'd blogged enough about both shows to know my main points ("Earl" needs to try harder and to show us more of Bad Earl, "The Office" would be better off with less Michael and more of the supporting characters), but for the life of me, I couldn't come up with a decent lead.

I had some kind of metaphor in mind about having to retake a hill with a couple of pop gun, but it kept coming out more and more labored. So as the clock ticked down towards deadline and my editor started sending impatient e-mails my way, I fell back on an old trick: quote the show to write about the show. So here's what I wound up writing:

You know the kind of network executive who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his ratings stink? Well, that was Jeff Zucker. Every time something good happened to him (like getting promoted further and further up NBC's corporate ladder), something bad was always waiting around the corner (like falling further and further in the primetime ratings). Karma.

That's when someone at NBC realized they needed to change. So he made a list of everything bad they had done, and one by one tried to make up for its mistakes. He's just trying to have a better network. His name is Kevin Reilly.

Not Pulitzer material, but much better than what I had. (And I got to use the hill/gun thing more briefly later on.) The full review is here.

Since I'd already seen "Scrubs," last night I ceded control of the remote to Marian, who immediately set on TBS' "Sex and the City" reruns. I hadn't really bothered watching the basic cable versions, but yikes. They're just massacring them. The one we saw was "Anchors Away," the Fleet Week episode. Obviously, TBS was going to cut both of the breast shots (Miranda nursing her baby and Charlotte flashing a sailor), but they just shred anything that wasn't directly related to the plot so they could squeeze a 30-minute episode into 21 minutes plus commercials. There's a brief snippet of the scene where Samantha papers her ex-boyfriend's neighborhood with posters warning women about what a sleaze he is, but they cut the payoff where a female cop lets her keep going. And the episode's climax, where Carrie (in one of the few moments where I've ever liked her) has a steamy dance with a sailor played by Franco from "Rescue Me"? Gone entirely. Yeesh. If ever there was a case for only watching the DVDs, this is it.

And speaking of DVDs, best news I read all morning: "Futurama" may join "Family Guy" as a Fox cartoon resurrected by DVD sales.

Some Traditions Never Die

Wide Right.

Hit the post.

A missed FG.

You have to expect Bobby Bowden to someday stop recruiting kickers and just go for it on fourth down or a two-point conversion after every touchdown. Entertaining game, though. Surprised that both shriners were able to stay up until 1 a.m.

In which I lose my mind all at once

The part of my brain that stores useless pop culture trivia has apparently exceeded its maximum capacity. I was watching an upcoming episode of "The Office" today, and there's a scene where Jim and Pam place all the items from Dwight's desk -- including his wallet -- into the office vending machine.

I laughed at it, and then I realized I had seen a similar gag (possibly involving someone's clothes) on another sitcom in the not too distant past. But for the life of me, I cannot remember what show it was. I've asked a bunch of other critics, all of whom agree that it sounds familiar but don't know exactly which show.

At this point, I need to know less for my Office review than just to scratch this particular itch before it drives me insane.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Snack attack, muthaf***er!!!!!

Okay, this is officially getting out of hand: someone has created a set of "Lazy Sunday" bobblehead dolls for sale on eBay.

ND = No Defense

You just cannot give Charlie Weis four weeks to prepare for an opponent. You just can�t. Because Weis is going to spend too much of that time at the local pizza parlor and not enough time actually preparing for his football game.

Weis was brought to Notre Dame for two reasons. The first was to beat USC. The second was to win a BCS bowl game and stop the school�s long record of futility in recent bowl games. Weis has failed in both accounts�as Notre Dame extended its record-tying bowl losing streak to eight games.

Look for Weis to get another contract extension if he sets the record next year.

Alright Notre Dame apologists, we already know what your excuse is going to be. Give Charlie Weis time to get his own recruits and we will see what happens. That should be filed with some of the other myths that were perpetuated prior to the Fiesta Bowl. Notre Dame already was drawing some of the top players in the country anyway. The troubling part for Notre Dame fans is that the team really did not seem to improve much from the beginning of the season to end. Add that there was not one big victory that the school could hang its hat on other than almost beating USC.. So much for the second coming of Knute Rockne.

If anything, Weis has already started to look like the second coming of Bob Davie, who also was exposed in the Fiesta Bowl a few years back.

LAURA QUINN IS READY FOR HER CLOSE UP

It is time for Laura Quinn to now go away. Give credit to linebacker A.J. Hawk who not only won the Fiesta Bowl, but managed to walk away with the quarterback�s sister. That probably led to some interesting smack talk for the All-America linebacker who was able to sack quarterback Brady Quinn twice.

And give credit to Laura, too, who did a great job of selling herself to the media. Quinn made the round on Cold Pizza, and followed that up by taking her cues and mugging for the cameras during the game. And what was with that awful jersey? We get it, your loyalties are split. Just think how foolish you will feel when Hawk dumps you when the NFL money starts rolling in.

Laura proved to be just as overrated as her brother in the end. She also drew to mind the quote from Charlie Sheen in Ferris Bueller�s Day Off when he told Jennifer Grey to lay off the eye makeup because it made her look like a whore.

Just saying is all. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Good medicine

Two thousand zero six, party over, oops, out of time... doesn't have quite the ring, does it?

So what does a TV critic do during the last week of the calendar year, when there's nothing new to watch and no news to report because Hollywood is on vacation? Take some vacation time of my own, of course -- which ended up being half-vacation, half sick time, as the daycare germ factory struck our family once again.

When I wasn't taking temperatures or hacking up phlegm, I spent a whole lot of time watching "Scrubs." NBC sent me the new season's first four episodes (my review is here), and boy howdy are they great. Just absurdly wacky stuff. Between them and the first two season boxed sets I dove through during this week, I've almost developed a new appreciation for a show I already loved. It could be absence making the heart grow fonder, or it could be the realization that, with "Arrested Development" pretty much doomed, this is again the standard-bearer for network comedy.

And speaking of "Arrested," they sure went out with a blaze of in-jokes last night, didn't they? Fox originally planned to show the Justine Bateman episode next week, but they've since replaced it with a "House" repeat. That's probably for the best; we'll get to see the last four episodes on DVD, and thematically this was the perfect finale, parodying all the reasons the show hasn't been able to catch on, sweeps gimmicks (gratuitous guest stars, 3D episodes, live episodes), etc., etc., etc. Bonus points to anyone who recognized "Head of the Class" alum Tannis Vallely (daughter of "Arrested" writer/producer Jim) as the casting director who got assaulted by Tobias' glitter package. So funny, so depressing -- especially now that I'm hearing rumors that Fox the TV studio doesn't want to save the show because it might make Fox the TV network look bad. Boo to synergy!

More later today on my end of the year movie and DVD binge.

No Pain, No Bain

Greetings, Hater Nation! I am Conrad Bain and I haven't really been invited to blog for you today. But I'm going to do so anyway, as there's something that has me in a bit of a lather.

I've never rooted for a Texas team in my life. I have more respect for people who pimp their children for Robitussin than for fans in the land of belt buckle fetishists and 16-ounce beer cans. The closest I've ever come to cheering for anyone in a Texas sports uniform was last year at the Lake Tahoe ski resort, where I watched from the chairlift as some arm-flapping fool in a Cowboys Starter jacket skied face-first into a lodgepole pine. I applauded, as did every tasteful person on the lift.

That being said, if I have to pick a team to cheer for in the Rose Bowl -- and let me state clearly that I couldn't care any less about anything, ever, in the world, than I do about the Rose Bowl -- I'm going to cheer for Texas. I know they don't have a chance in hell of beating USC, but if they do it, if they somehow pull it off, I'll raise my glass and drink just as soon as the laughter subsides.

I'm in Aspen now, enjoying the holidays at my mansion with the lovely Rula Lenska. I'll probably be skiing or otherwise occupied while the Rose Bowl is on. But if my assistant informs me that Texas is winning at halftime, I may very well rack my boards for the day so as not to miss the possibility of seeing USC and their clown fans take one in the face.

I hate USC, and it has nothing to do with them being good or even anything to do with the team. Matt Leonard, Ritchie Bush... I couldn't name three USC players if you put a gun to my head. I couldn't find the campus if I was a block away. I couldn't care less about any group of football players than I do about the Trojans.

No, what I hate is the f-ing bandwagon fans. The USC bandwagon is absolutely, utterly obnoxious. I've been across the country during the past two weeks -- from the coast of Maine to Catalina Island -- and every Fair Weather Freddy sports loudmouth in every airport bar from one coast to the other is suddenly a "die-hard USC fan".

Player hater, you say? No. Fan hater. And there is no group of fans more hateable than the extended family of smug and sickening gravytrainers currently bouncing down the NCAA highway in their red and yellow bus. About one tenth of one percent of these homers even lives in California; an even more minuscule percentage actually went to USC. The rest have climbed aboard for reasons only Freud could explain, doing things with their mouths that would embarrass a Bangkok pimp. One thing is clear: not a single f-ing one of them deserves to drag his soggy bread through another drop of Trojan gravy.

I hope USC loses just so I can laugh like a fool when their red and yellow clown wagon rips through the guardrail with screaming, burning bodies of Trojan-Come-Latelys falling out the back, plummeting to their exquisite, flaming doom.

And if USC wins? Who the hell cares? No skin off my behind when a Texas team gets hosed.

That is my assessment. If you disagree with it (and I can't imagine anyone could), you may join the millions of hourly visitors that log into The Conrad Bain Fan Club and see if you have what it takes to face The Bain.

Some Are Exposed in Week 17

You know it was an ugly week for the NFL when Jake Delhomme�s bare butt was the highlight of the weekend.

Congratulations to the Houston Texans. There was a team that set a goal and did whatever it took to accomplish that said goal. And the injury to David Carr didn't look fishy at all. It was as believable as Rodney Dangerfield�s arm injury in Caddy Shack. The only problem for San Francisco, was that Houston did not have Danny Noonan as a backup quarterback, but Tony Banks.

Reggie Bush was fitted for a Texans cap the second Banks took the field. Fittingly, Banks threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown faster than Houston fans could chant, �Re-ggie, Re-ggie.� You could not script it better for the Texans.

And speaking of scripts, how did Josh McCown not get into the end zone? It was as if the Colts had a ghost stopping the Cardinals quarterback at the line like Kadeem Hardison in the movie, The Sixth Man.

What, too soon?

Once that play went to review, you knew the Birds were cooked. There was no way the NFL was going to let the Birds beat the Colts in Indy. No way. So even though the replay was inconclusive, the referees overturned the call. Just the way the NFL wrote it out in their treatment.

While we are still on movies, what was the ESPN crew doing, pitching Weekend at Summerals? Wow. It is hard to find somebody that makes Al Davis look vibrant.

But the worst acting performance of the day was New England who pretty much conceded its game to the Dolphins. Having Doug Flutie execute a flawless drop-kick not only was a classy move for the retiring quarterback, but it also sent a pretty clear message to the Colts. The Patriots showed that the regular season doesn�t mean much and the defending champions are gunning for Peyton Manning. That match-up, however, will have to wait because the Steelers are going to win in Cincinnati this week.

And good God, Atlanta. Way to just quit on the season. Could you imagine paying money to see your team play like that? The Falcons looked like the final version of the Rams before the team folded in 1994. But you can almost tell that Jim Mora is one of those cool guys that would not put out a huge effort in a meaningless game. He looks like the kind of guy that would just want to sit there and pout instead of showing some integrity on the field. The Falcons, who started a pregame fight earlier this season, are starting to emerge as the new punks of the NFL.

UNEMPLOYMENT LINE IS GROWING

Dom Capers, who did such a masterful job of getting in position to draft Bush, will not get a chance to coach him. Capers came to Houston with a reputation of building expansion teams. But he will land another head coaching job when an owner wants to ensure the top pick in the draft.

Mike Tice's departure was inevitable. I don�t want to say that Tice's Vikings were out of control. But we will say that his honeymoon with new bride, Lyndie England should at least provide some interesting photo opportunities. It is not know if Tice had already been given his allotment of Super Bowl tickets, meaning we need a new hook-up.

Mike Sherman never stood a chance. Brett Favre has hinted that he would not return to the Packers if Sherman were fired. Not exactly a rining endorsement. Favre now knows how the Packers organization feels about him. Look for the Cardinals to hire Sherman as an offensive coordinator and Favre to join him in Arizona. That would sell tickets in the new stadium.

The Saints did Jim Haslett a favor. Matt Leinart, who could be the second pick in the NFL Draft, now has a chance.

Mike Martz was officially let go, inching him one step closer to Oakland. Of course, Norv Turner has avoided the firing squad so far, making it one of the most inexplicable moves of the season. But as we have advocated months ago, Martz to the Raiders is not only the best move possible, but it seems inevitable at this point.

Lil' Hater: Giants Still Suck, Fix Still In

NEW YORK Officials with the National Football League today confirmed that NBA referees Bennett Salvatore and Dick Bavetta, in an exchange program, will be reffing the New York Giant's home playoff game next weekend.

The move was made to ensure another undeserved victory for the mediocre Giants, who were handed the NFC East title last night by the refs in their game against Oakland. Salvatore will work the field at the Meadowlands game, while Bavetta will handle replay duties, Lil' Hater has learned.

Salvatore and "Knick" Bavetta are well-known for their ability to guarantee victories for home teams (particularly New York teams) in the NBA that face a must-win playoff situation, and NFL officials believe their skill will translate well to the gridiron. Their inevitable involvement in these must-win NBA home games has even become a running joke in the Sports Dork's website, we understand from our sources.

"We've already got the 'First Round Playoff Winners' T-shirts and hats made up for the Giants, so we want to make sure that no stones go unturned in guaranteeing another win for a team in the media capital of the world," said an NFL official who requested anonymity.

Salvatore and Bavetta's hirings are just the latest step in the NFL's attempt to give the season to the Giants, who will be playing their 13th home game of the year next weekend.

The Oakland game featured the league's latest shenanigans, as an obvious 4th quarter touchdown sneak by QB Kerry Collins on 4th down was denied by both the field judge and replay booth.

All 433 Raider fans � allegedly the best, most loyal set of NFL fans in the league, according to them � that attended the game howled in protest in the call, to no avail. But hey, do not take this as an endorsement of the Raiders or an attempt to give the team any credit. The game should have been halted after that pass-interference call to allow fans to bet on the "There is no way the Raiders score here" line. You knew the Raiders were going to wrap its season with a huge play-calling blunder

"Yeah, it was a really, really weak call on the ref�s part, but let's not kid ourselves, the Raiders weren't going to score again anyway," added the unnamed official. "Look at the four plays that 'Play-Calling Genius' Norv Turner called from the one-yard line: Run up the middle, run up the middle, time out, run up the middle, time out, QB sneak up the middle. Jesus."

Who was calling these plays, Gregg Easterbrook?

All four plays were run without Randy Moss on the field, who with two TD catches that game would have forced the Giants to at least respect the potential of a pass, making it easier to sneak a run into the end zone.

"But Norv, to his credit, used the last big series of his coaching career to hammer home the point that he always, always ignores his best offensive player when clutch time comes around," the NFL official said. "He made our job at fixing the game much easier; we were ready to call a holding penalty if they lucked their way into a touchdown."

Complain about it in the Hater Nation Forums. It should be noted that Lil' Hater does not like doing these plugs. Lil' Hater also would like to note he is available for children's parties this offseason.