Lil' Hater: History Awaits!

SEATTLE The Oakland Raider will seek some feeble, pathetic attempt at gridiron immortality this week when they take on the Seahawks.

According to the schedule, it is the fifth and final Raider preseason game of a preseason that, in one good-looking bobblehead's opinion, lasted about five weeks too long.

T.O. has it just about right. Preseason is for suckers. And Raiders, it appears.

Five preseason games. Christ. Even my angry German Cousin Dieter's never-ending World Cup didn't last this long. And there was more real solid hitting by Zidane's bald head than there was this preseason.

(Editor � doggone it Lil' Hater, stop the soccer references now! The Cup is Over! OVER! I said stop!)

But whatever. The Raiders can go undefeated with a fifth win here, which has to be some kind of record, right? I mean, I thought the preseason only went four games. And yet the Raiders could manage to sneak, steal or otherwise cheat their way to an extra win this August. How did this happen?

Truly, this is the Raider Way. Once upon the time, in the early 70's I think, the Raiders liked to call themselves the Team of the Century or some other similarly silly name.

Now, they're the Team of August. How the mighty have fallen.

I understand A-Rod, the Manning Brothers, and a bunch of ex-Duke hoops players will be addressing the team before the Seattle game, to motivate them to go out and over-perform at the least important time of the season.

Did Art Shell get the memo that the preseason doesn't mean squat? And now he�s gone out and showed the opposing teams the entirety of the Raider's playbook (6 pages long, written in crayon) with his win-at-all-costs-in-preseason strategy. What is he thinking?

Anyway, I guess the Raiders should savor any wins while they can. A quick glance at the schedule puts the likely date of Oakland�s fifth regular season win sometime in early December, against Houston, or maybe two weeks later against that other expansion football team, St. Louis.

Anyway, 5-0 has gotta be some kind of record. But the question remains: If Seattle wins and ends the Raider�s perfect preseason on Thursday, will the remaining living members of the '97 Packers (and Reggie White's widow) along with the '97 Steelers celebrate break open a bottle of Night Train?

In 'Justice'

Another night, another new show: I weighed in on "Justice" a couple of days ago, but I'm curious if anyone bothered to watch and what they thought.

I'll say that I thought it was a cop-out that the client in the very first episode had to be innocent, even though the producer insists they will sometimes defend guilty clients, but I liked a lot of the little touches like Victor Garber's bit about kicking the table forward. ("Hey, every little bit helps.")

Rock Star: Do you remember how to mosh?

"Rock Star" results, PDQ...

Big, big, BIG sigh of relief from this Storm fan at the moment. She dodged a bullet, and deservedly so. But we'll go in performance order, since everybody but Magni got to sing.

Lukas, "Crap-Ass Supernova Song #3": You know, it's getting to the point where I can't imagine a scenario where Toby doesn't win. The two front-runners, Dilana and Lukas, have both sounded either ordinary (Dilana) or incoherent (Lukas) while playing with the band, and neither has really seemed to fit, whereas Toby, while unspectacular, at least had some on-stage chemistry with the guys and seemed to match the tone they were going for. Plus, he's not high-maintenance like the other two, and even if this is going to be a two-month tour (as opposed to a twenty year run with the band -- RYAN), who wants the headaches? Not good at all for Lukas, and I actually had Toby's "Hey hey hey"s and "Ho ho ho"s running through my head throughout it.

Toby, "Rebel Yell": Not as good as last night, but still fun, and I like that he went all the way back to the bleachers (which is where I had to sit for my taping). Looks like he's replacing Ryan as the teacher's pet.

Ryan, "Baba O'Riley": I'll admit it: I looked at some spoiler boards this afternoon to prepare myself for the inevitable disappointment of Storm's exit. And after doing a fist-pump over news of her survival, I was surprised to read several accounts that said Ryan got the biggest crowd reaction in the show's history and that everyone was going nuts when he was sent home. I can see how that might have played well to the crowd, what with the running and the jumping and the two or three other tricks in Ryan's bag -- not to mention the House Band outdoing its usual genius at playing The Who (this was maybe the best I've ever heard them) -- but the actual vocals were screechy as hell, he mangled a bunch of the lyrics, and the jumping off of stuff had devolved into self-parody even before they showed that "Ryan jumps off of stuff" montage during his biographical package last night. And again, 20 years? Really? Really? This band isn't going to be together for 20 months, maybe not even 20 weeks. Definitely the angriest exit we've had this season.

Storm, "Helter Skelter": Well, now I can see why she's been itching to perform on elimination night, because that was all kinds of cool and a badly-needed return to Crazy Punk Storm instead of Selfless Balladeer Storm. And, yeah, she was screaming too, but this is a song designed for it. (I'd argue that it was the first heavy metal song rather than the first punk song, but she sure as hell made a punk song out of it.) Would've liked to see the crowd actually mosh, but it's not that kind of crowd (and the paid hotties downstage sure as hell weren't going to do it). Lots of energy -- even some crowd-surfing -- but energy that felt spontaneous. I still fear that she's gone next week, but that's only one week short of the finals, and at least she got a chance to remind the band and the audience that she's not just a cabaret act.

Dilana, "Psycho Killer": Wow, this was just a complete disaster. I'm not sure how this is possible, but her energy level was really low, even though she was screaming and jumping up and down the whole time. I think the criticism of the last two weeks and now being in the bottom three has really thrown her for a loop, and she can't handle it. Which is a shame, because she was far and away my favorite performer for quite a while, and it feels like she's imploding. Also, am I going crazy, or was she yodeling at a few spots?

I'm hoping that we actually get to hear the original songs on the show next Tuesday, since the last time they did a songwriting clinic, it was confined to the webisode. And shame on the producers if they don't let everybody sing twice. Even "Idol" isn't shameless enough to try to stretch out five songs over a whole hour. Also, with Zoolander gone, Magni and Storm are the only ones who haven't performed with the band, or even one member of the band. Unless they're going to let both of them play with Supernova at the start of next Wednesday's show, it's pretty obvious that whoever doesn't get to is the one going home, no?

What did everybody else think?

USC Swim Team

Paris Hilton claims that she and Matt Leinart are only friends. Former USC basketball player Brynn Cameron cannot say the same thing. Cameron is pregnant with Leinart's baby, making it the most athletic USC offspring since Omar Epps knocked up Sanaa Lathan in Love & Basketball.

Sure the school mascot might be Trojans, but that doesn't mean that the star quarterback and his girlfriend have to use one. Mmm, smells like an endorsement deal.

News of the Leinart/Cameron love child has come as quite a shock. A shock that a women's basketball player actually has sex with men.

And a new Last and Ten is up! (Check out the Last and Ten archives for rejected entries.)

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



The Post Mortem was the only column to pick the Panthers to go to the Super Bowl in 2003, back when it was published on some other football site. So it hurts to say that they are not going to win the Super Bowl this year. But it's true.

Now, there was no first-hand knowledge that the Panthers were using steroids back then, as recent reports have suggested, it was just good foresight. The troubling thing about the Panthers recent steroid scandal isn't that the team was using steroids.

No, it is because the players keep getting hurt. Like all the time. Weren't steroids supposed to make you stronger? Wow, imagine how bad the injuries would be if the Panthers were not on the juice. Still, the injury questions continue to dog the club. Receiver Steve Smith is battling a hamstring problem, although that could probably be attributed Keyshawn Johnson stabbing him in the back of the leg.

If the Panthers were injury prone before when they were on steroids then now, as they are trying to play clean, they will probably get so far down the depth chart they will be reaching for guys like Jeff George. Just kidding, nobody would be that desperate.

(And really, this whole story is a huge leap of faith that NFL players are not using steroids. According to the new Commissioner, Opie Goodell, there is not a steroid problem in the NFL, at least not one he could find during his extensive probe of Paul Tagliabue's colon.)

Oh alright, and this will be the last time for jokes like this: Did you know that no team has ever won the Super Bowl after having two cheerleaders caught having sex in a Tampa restroom? It's true.


Other previews: Jets, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears Buccaneers, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions, Giants and Saints.

Big screen, small screen

Today's column deals with the staggering number of familiar movie actors who are on new shows this year:

BACK DURING Virginia Madsen's first stint on the A-list, when she was an in-demand young starlet, a script crossed her desk called "Long Gone," a movie about minor league baseball in the Jim Crow South. She loved the story, loved her potential role as a groupie with brains and sex appeal -- basically, the Susan Sarandon character from "Bull Durham," but a year earlier. It was a great part, one of the best she would ever play -- and everyone she knew was telling her not to do it.

Why? Because "Long Gone" was being produced for HBO, which in 1987 was the acting equivalent of being sent to the low minors.

"(It) was thought to have been a huge mistake, a huge step down to go for that cable channel," Madsen says now. "I loved the story, but it did some damage to my career."

Jump ahead a couple of decades, and her Oscar nomination for "Sideways" has Madsen back on the A-list again, getting significant movie offers again. And yet here she is doing TV again, playing Ray Liotta's wife on CBS' upcoming heist drama "Smith."

To read the rest of the column, click here.

And speaking of celebrity crossovers, I did my professional duty and watched about 15 minutes of "Celebrity Duets" before switching over to "Rock Star." All I saw were two of the people with musical theater experience (Lucy Lawless and Alfonso Ribeiro) sounding fine and the Olympic gymnast, not surprisingly, not. Unless it turns into a "Dancing with the Stars"-level ratings phenom, I don't think I need to come back. Anybody else watch?

Rescue Me: Burnin' love

"Rescue Me" spoilers start immediately after this...

As I was watching the finale, I was taking notes on my computer, and here is exactly what I typed as Sheila went into the kitchen to fix Tommy another drink:

Oh, God, she's again crushing the roofies into his drink? NO! NO! NO! NO!

Dammit, not even "Grey's Anatomy" or David E. Kelley have the ability to make me as angry at a show I otherwise love. How can they be as brilliant as they are in moments like Tommy telling Stack to let go or the visit to the 9/11 memorial tonight and then do stupid shit like having Sheila go for the RoHypnol AGAIN? And to trot out a cliffhanger that, while it fits as a bookend with Tommy's dream in the season premiere, is a classically phony Hero in Jeopardy stunt that even Leary and Tolan admitted the audience would see through. A conference call excerpt, after a reporter asked why they would do that if the audience knows Tommy won't die:

LEARY: "Because it's television."

TOLAN: "There's always an element of false jeopardy in a cliffhanger because you know we're not going to kill Tommy -- probably. But the question is, 'What is it going to get you for next season?' And we thought about this, and we're going to have a lot of fun with what gives us."

LEARY: "Don't forget: when a person on this show dies, their part only gets bigger."

Look, you drug Franco or Garrity or even, God help us, Lou, and trap them in a burning beach house, and I can picture the possibility that they could die, or get scarred or crippled or whatever. But Tommy's going to emerge physically unscathed -- how is he going to maintain his supernatural ability to bag hot women otherwise? -- and even if Sheila dies, I won't exactly mourn the loss of the poster girl for how horribly this show usually writes women.

And yet the show that can be so predictable -- they barely even bothered with the pretense that the squad was going to break up -- and annoying and self-indulgent at times can also give us bits like:

• The entire flashback sequence, which was done so slyly (with Tommy staying in modern costume and there never being an obvious edit) that at first I thought Reilly was going senile when he was calling Franco "Probie" (it wasn't until Jimmy and Lou's Red Sox argument that I figured it out);
  
• Chief Pecher (nicely played by Tolan) walking in on Garrity and Maggie humping away in his office ("I had a magazine..."), and also his random singing of "Poor Wandering One" from "Pirates of Penzance";
  
• Tommy's rant about his sperm having "ant strength";
  
• Mike's "Guys, I think I'm not bi anymore" (predictable, but the way the camera framed it was hysterical);
• Lou's sadness at seeing Reilly show up at the station in his hospital gown;
• Lou crawling around on the docks;
• The entire 9/11 memorial scene, even if, like the scene in the season two finale where they're looking at the skyline, the actors were clearly talking as much to the audience as each other;
  
• The whole "Don't look at me, I'm the dead guy" shrug Jimmy gives Tommy before quickly exiting what he knows is going to be a hellacious argument between his best friend and his widow.

I'm not even sure what the origin of the old "girl with the curl" cliche is, but if ever a show fit that description, it's "Rescue Me." When it's good, it's very, very good. And when it's bad, I have to ask myself why I'm even still watching.

Some other quick thoughts and notes:

• On the call, Leary also said that Tommy's karmic payback for The Incident (or, as Tolan described it, "Tommy's thing with Janet") wasn't Sheila raping him, or Johnny's death, or even him getting trapped in the fire. "It doesn't happen until sometime in the middle of season four, but it's coming." I dunno; I have a feeling that Sheila raping him was intended to be the payback, and when the audience didn't buy into it, they changed their story.
  
• Even after all the contortions to keep the rest of the guys in the house, is there any chance they might actually follow through with that Chief/Lou scene and get rid of Jack McGee next year? And, if so, what type of character might you like to see as the new chief, since I know Tolan's not moving to New York full time to play Pecher? Also, since they've talked about adding a new Probie, what kind of character do you want to see there? (I liked Tolan's suggestion in our interview of it being a super-capable woman -- straight or lesbian, I don't care -- who forces the guys to reassess a lot of the macho BS that chased away the Diane Farr character.)
• I wasn't really feeling either of the precocious kid scenes, whether it was Katie playing with Tommy on the definition of sperm or Keelah's "Did you try your best?" speech to Franco. I don't know about Tolan, but I know Leary has two kids, and those two scenes felt off to me.
• Where does Jimmy get off calling Tommy's 5'2" conquest a midget when Sheila's lucky she's that tall in heels?

And that's it for me on this show this season. I can only hope the good "Rescue Me" outweighs the bad again next summer, but I know I'm going to be there, regardless.

What did everybody else think?

Rock Star: Impending doom?

First of all, can I give a resounding "Boo!" to the "Rock Star" producers for padding the hell out of what could have been an awesome show. You're down to six contestants. You've squeezed as many as 14 performances into an hour; why not let everybody go twice, once with the Fan's Choice and once with their own (whether an original or something from a list of covers)? I didn't need the biographical clips.

Also, the Fan's Choice gimmick was pretty lame. Every contestant had four choices: three songs they did before, and a Wild Card that another contestant (or, in the case of "Bring Me to Life," two contestants) had done. Of course everybody was going to pick the Wild Card, even if the song wasn't really a good fit for the contestant, simply because it would be new for them. It really feels like the music budget has been drastically lowered from season to season, or am I remembering year one's musical diversity a little too fondly?

Anyway, on to the performance-by-performance breakdown:

Lukas, "Lithium": In the webisode, he complained about not knowing the song and not even liking Nirvana (another lame element of the Fan's Choice, since "Mother, Mother" is something Dilana has done in her stage shows for years, whereas Lukas, Ryan and Storm all got stuck with songs they barely knew), but I think that worked for him in coming up with a very tight new arrangement. He made the verses plaintive rather than frustrated and angry, then brought the energy on the chorus before shifting gears back for the next verse. I don't know if this was Lukas' best performance, but it was up there.

Magni, "I Alone": I'm not sure his vein has ever throbbed this much, and I'm starting to worry; I want the baby to grow up with a father, you know? This was very typical Magni: great energy, great vocals, and 100% faithful to the original version. I like the guy a lot (he and Storm are easily the most appealing personalities left), but I want to see him mix a song up, just once, to show there's some creativity to go with the singing and guitar-playing talent. Also, I don't know what Gilby's talking about in terms of Magni suddenly displaying star quality, as I can think of at least three other performances of his that were at least this good, if not better.

Ryan, "Clocks": I want him gone, not just because I dislike him personally (I love how all of a sudden he's so sensitive about being slagged by Dilana when he was ripping the hell out of Dana and Patrice in the early weeks), but because he feels so practiced and phony. Even as he was kicking out the piano stool and doing his Luke Duke slide across the hood or busting out his Michelle Pfeiffer in "Fabulous Baker Boys" impression (minus the red dress, sadly), I can't shake the feeling that it's all been calculated to within an inch of its life. And I'm sure somebody like Lukas spends just as much time rehearsing every lurch and stagger and lip quiver, and yet it feels natural when he does it most of the time. Plus, Ryan's performance style is so humorless and doesn't feel like a good match for the band.

Storm, "Bring Me to Life": Oh, Stormy, I have a very bad feeling about this. First, where everybody else gets a biographical clip about how swell they are (or, in Dilana's case, about how determined she is to atone for her mistakes), hers is all about her struggles with this song. Second, it's, I think, her fifth ballad in a row at a time when she desperately needed to do something up-tempo and rocking, ala "Anything Anything" or "Surrender." Third, the band's clearly losing interest in her, as evidenced first by the "I Will Survive" pile-on and now Gilby's "I won't remember that tomorrow" slam. Even if she kills it in the bottom three tomorrow (and here's where not having been bottom three the last two weeks -- when she could have kicked ass on a song of her own choice and would have been safe because Zayra and Patrice were still around as cannon fodder -- is going to hurt her), I think they've already made up their minds about her. Which is a shame, both because I thought she sang the hell out of the song even when you factor in the degree of difficulty -- and her voice blended really well with Toby's -- and because I just enjoy watching her, and not just from a lecherous standpoint. I don't care if she wins -- I don't care if any of them win -- but I would have liked to see her make it to that final night. Ah, well. Maybe she'll at least get to sing with the band tomorr -- ah, who am I kidding? Sigh...

Toby, "Rebel Yell": Has he displayed this lower register before and I just missed it? Because he sounded great here with the deeper voice, and was really in command of the stage, even before he pulled a Springsteen and started pulling the paid dancing babes out of the front of the audience. After last week's jam with the band and tonight, I can genuinely see a scenario where he could win this. Given what little we've heard of Supernova, he seems like a better stylistic fit than either Lukas or Dilana, plus he'd be an easier guy to deal with on the road and would help these four middle-aged guys attract a younger female crowd.

Dilana, "Mother, Mother": This was the best I'd heard Dilana in weeks (and it oughta be, given how well she knows the song), but WTF with Navarro's comment that it was the best performance of the two seasons? Hell, it probably wasn't even the best of the night (I'd give that honor to either Lukas or Toby). Still, the angry song fit her like a glove and allowed her to display a more powerful, less raw side of her voice on the verses. And, of course, it neatly concluded the whole Fall and Rise of Dilana storyline that the producers have been working so hard the last two weeks.

What did everybody else think?

Let me stand next to your fired agent

Blogger somehow ate an entire post, which contained thoughts on the "Entourage" season finale and the new episodes of "Prison Break" and "Vanished," and I'm on deadline for tomorrow's column, so I don't have time to recreate it all. Short versions:

"Entourage": A mediocre conclusion to an up-and-down season. I've always wavered on how much, if at all, I like Vince, and his refusal to acknowledge even a tiny bit of responsibility for his current predicament -- throughout the series, and this season in particular, he goes out of his way to jeopardize his career, often against Ari's advice -- really turned me against him again. On top of that, I don't buy that Ari would be so stupid as to give the exact same hackneyed branding speech to Vince -- especially since, as Rich Heldenfels pointed out to me, he knows Josh Weinstein's M.O.

I'm also disappointed that they got rid of Bob Ryan so quickly. I would have loved spending some time actually watching Vince make a movie for once, both to see whether he's just as big a flake on company time and to see Bob attempt to fit into modern Hollywood outside the cutthroat deal-making.

The season wasn't a total loss -- the trip to the Valley, Eric's threeway, Drama in Vegas and the introduction of Bob made it worth sitting through the episodes that dragged -- but it feels like the writers aren't sure what to do now that the show is becoming more popular (at least in Hollywood, if not the rest of the country). They spent large chunks of an episode on Vince buying Turtle a pair of $20,000 sneakers, for God's sake. I'm hoping the spring episodes with Carla Gugino are an improvement.

"Prison Break": A strong second episode, highlighted by Pope taking a stand for his guy (even though Bellick deserved to be fired) and Linc improvising a rescue attempt for LJ (including the first of what I'm sure will be many face-to-face encounters between Mahone and Michael). On the other hand, the bit with T-Bag preparing to kill the poor veteranarian made me uncomfortable. I'm glad the writers aren't trying to soften the character now that they know he's a fan favorite, and I completely believe he would kill the guy under these circumstances. But it felt like the show reveled in T-Bag's sickness more than it needed to in that scene with the vet taped to the table, begging for his life. Is it just me?

"Vanished": Placed in the Life's Too Short file after an unimpressive second episode. I don't have time to detail all that's wrong, so go read Fienberg saying almost everything I would.

Today's column mostly deals with "Justice," a pilot I dismissed back in June, but which grew on me in second viewing, mostly in the little details I didn't pay much attention to during my pilot marathon. I don't know that I'll feel compelled to watch it again, but that has to do with my own personal burn-out on the Bruckheimer formula than the show's actual merits, which aren't half-bad. Victor Garber fans will enjoy watching their guy play a cheerful bastard.

Titans: Vince Young Is Not Good

At least that is the only conclusion you can draw after the Titans signed Kerry Collins. So let's see if we can trace this back a few steps. The Raiders didn't think Kerry Collins was good, so they let him go to sign Aaron Brooks of all people. The Raiders, in a panic move, signed Jeff George as an insurance policy. So the Raiders felt that Brooks and George gave them a better chance of winning than Collins, who just signed with the Titans because their quarterbacks are no good.

So in other words, Vince Young is worse than Jeff George.

In a non-related story, Raiders coach Art Shell has activated himself and will start his first game in 20 years on Thursday night against Seattle.

Proof that God Loves Us

The Raiders have signed Jeff George.

Vikings Starting to Grow

You have to give Vikings coach Ray Childress some credit�he certainly is cleaning up the organization. The Vikings "Love Boat" sexcapades made national news and ultimately led to the dismissal of quarterback Daunte Culpepper and coach Mike Tice. But those days are long gone.

Turns out the Vikings are taking its burlesque show off of the high seas and into stairwells around Minnesota. Safety Dwight Smith was cited for indecent conduct in a stairwell outside of a club with a 24 year-old woman. Many of you will look and say, "Hey, same old Vikings." But not only was Smith trying to be discreet, but it actually was consensual.

You can�t expect miracles over night.

The Post Mortem

History was made at Angels Stadium on Sunday. No, it wasn't that the Yankees managed to actually beat the Angels. Yankees manager Joe Torre went to closer Mariano Rivera with no outs and a six run lead in the eighth inning. Has this ever happened in Major League Baseball history? A manager going to his closer with a six-run lead in the eighth inning?

Nothing illustrates just how far the Angels have burrowed into the head of the Yankees then that panic move. Nice vote of confidence for the bullpen, too. It had been joked about that the Yankees are intimidated by the Angels. And it did seem like a joke. Until yesterday. Now it's the truth. So many teams are in awe of the Yankees, but the New Yorkers just curl up in the fetal position when it comes to the Angels.

Too bad the Angels can't play the Yankees more often, like the playoffs. But it appears that the Angels won't get a chance to represent in the playoffs as it appears a daunting task to catch Oakland. Especially since Boston has arrived in the Bay Area intent on getting swept by the A's. So the Yankees will now face the Twins and/or A's in the playoffs this year, meaning that only the Tigers (who are in New York starting Tuesday) to save humanity.

• The Yankees are supposed to be such a class organization. Yet, they threw behind Juan Rivera on Saturday and also walked Vladimir Guerrero and Howie Kendrick to prevent either player from having an opportunity to hit for the cycle. Congrats on the Yankees for finally getting Kendrick out on Sunday.

• Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter hit a home run in the eighth inning with his team leading by six runs. Will there be endless calls for how Jeter isn�t clutch and that he only hits meaningless home runs? Where is the outrage New York fans?

• There is no excuse to leave 21 runners on base. The Angels should now run themselves out of every inning, because that would be less painful.

• Phillip Rivers injured his shoulder after he fumbled for the third time on Saturday. That decision to get rid of Drew Brees is looking better by the day. The lack of a veteran back-up quarterback is going to cost the Chargers another season, and coach Marty Schottenheimer his job.

• Jake Plummer did little to keep the Jay Cutler for President coalition off his tail with his recent performance.

• Will be involved in a fantasy football draft tonight. Can�t wait until somebody drafts Koren Robinson. The bad jokes are already prepared.

• Has Edgerrin James gained any position yards this preseason? No matter, the Cardinals are looking pretty sharp. Everybody is raving about Matt Leinart's performance (15 of 21 for 144 and 1 touchdown), but Kurt Warner also was impressive. Still not going to buy the hype this year for the Cardinals. Just won�t do it.

• Just want to give a shout-out to all THN fans out in the great city of Buffalo. Sorry that your Bills are so terrible, tough. And really, Flash is not that angry of a person.

• Peter King has openly wondered by Junior Seau received Willie McGinest's No. 55 jersey. Way to contiue to suckup to the Patriots.

AND FINALLY
Cris Collinsworth's weekly column has returned to NFL.com. But for some reason, the column doesn�t seem to be as well written as it has been for the past four years.

How race made its way onto the island

In a story that was originally planned for the Friday paper, then the Saturday, then the Sunday, and which finally wound up sitting right next to my Emmy column today, I talked to Jeff Probst and several "Survivor" experts about the segregation gimmick. Given some of the speculation, I figured I'd excerpt this quote from Probst:

"I think the notion of how long we keep them divided is a fair question," said Probst, "and I would say to that, you have to remember that there is a show we are putting together. If we leave people in the same tribes for a long time, they become so entrenched that there's no way they're ever going to leave their tribe, and that makes for boring television. We're already putting people in strong groups, you can't have much stronger an identification than your own ethnicity. We have strong tribes that are going to be aligned together from the beginning, we're not going to leave them like that forever."

To read the rest, click here.

The morning after

On the Emmys:

If the Emmy officials couldn't apologize for this year's nominees, then at least the winners could.

For virtually the entire three-hour telecast -- really, up until "24" and "The Office" became first-time winners in the drama and comedy series awards, respectively -- winner after winner greeted news of their victory with some combination of astonishment and shame.

Both Jon Stewart and Tony Shalhoub used the phrase "terrible mistake" while picking up awards (Stewart for the fourth consecutive "Daily Show" win for Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series; "Monk" star Shalhoub for his third win in fourth years as lead comedy actor).

"It's not supposed to work this way, is it?" said a stunned Blythe Danner after winning for her supporting role on Showtime's defunct "Huff."

Danner was also one of four actors to win for shows that had been canceled, an awkward roster that also included Megan Mullally for "Will & Grace," Alan Alda for "The West Wing" and Andre Braugher for "Thief," a drama that was only dubbed a miniseries after FX failed to renew it for a second season.

Four of the five lead comedy actress nominees were from canceled shows; in a stunner, the winner was the fifth, Julia Louis-Dreyfus from CBS' "The New Adventures of Old Christine."

"Well, I'm not somebody who really believes in curses," she said, referencing the bogus "Seinfeld" Curse, "but curse this, baby!"

Maybe the signature moment of the night was when Jeremy Irons, winner for his supporting role in HBO's "Elizabeth I," made a beeline for the podium, not bothering to even pick up the Emmy itself. (He was briefly rendered speechless when someone shoved the statuette into his hands.)

To read the rest (much of it in praise of Conan O'Brien for saving what would have otherwise been a gruesome three hours), click here.

T.O. Proving Doubters Wrong

All of the NFL experts said that Terrell Owens would give the Cowboys one faithful year of service before turning into, well, Terrell Owens.

But T.O. has proven all of them wrong. In fact, T.O. didn�t even wait for the regular season before becoming T.O. and ruining the Cowboys. Owens has been fined for missing some practices and not showing up to meetings. So, in other words, the Cowboys have received all of the grief of having T.O., without the benefit of his play-making abilities.

It looks like the Owens and Bill Parcells relationship is going to end as well as the relationship between George Allen and Long Beach State.

Deadwood: Final curtain

When I got done watching the "Deadwood" finale, my initial thought was "good season finale, an absolute joke of a series finale." The more I thought of it, though, the more I realized that maybe there was more closure than Milch intended. Either way, I'm depressed that one of the best TV shows of my lifetime is over, probably never to return. (I believe the movies will happen the same way I believe Isiah Thomas is building a championship contender at MSG.) More after the jump...

So let's see: Hearst is gone, the camp is spared destruction by the Pinkertons, Alma sold her mine so she could stay in camp, and Seth is going to lose his badge thanks to Hearst and Jarry's vote-tampering. That's a fair amount of significant threads tied up, albeit many of them happening in the last 15 minutes or so. So what was left unresolved, and what were the odds Milch was going to deal with them in the mythical season four? In no particular order:

• Where is Joanie and Jane's relationship going? The whole thing was both slow-building and sudden (took Milch forever to inch up to it, and then when he did it was quickly a full-on romance, or the closest thing Jane is capable of), and while they ended the season on a relatively happy note, I think there were interesting roads this could have traveled. Would Milch have eventually gone back to the history books and had Jane become a whore, possibly to spite Joanie? How would Joanie manage to stay out of the legend of Calamity Jane? Etc. (On a side point, Charlie giving Joanie Bill's coat for "you and the other one" answers my question from earlier the season about whether he knew Joanie was a lesbian.)
  
• Why oh why oh why did we spend so much time with Langrishe and his theater company? You could argue that Milch was setting the stage for a lot of more significant theater stuff in year four, but I'm not so sure. That scene with Jack and Claudia where he lamented an actor's usefulness in the midst of such real-life drama as the camp was facing sure sounded to me like a meta comment on the value (or lack thereof) of these new characters. Then again, Milch rarely seems interested in going meta, so maybe not. Frankly, losing the chance to find out what's up with Jack, Claudia and the two mystery women won't be keeping me up at night.
  
• What's eating Cy Tolliver? Okay, in this particular case, it was pretty clear: he was hoping his partnership with Hearst would lead to lavish criminal endeavors and the chance to kill or crush his enemies, and instead he became just another cog in the mining operation. Still, it felt like Cy outlived his usefulness a long time ago -- maybe not a surprise, since the character only existed because Milch felt bad that Powers Boothe was too sick to play Swearengen when the pilot was filmed -- and he spent most of his seasons being irritated at how marginal he had become. Hell, maybe Milch really does like writing meta, after all.
  
• Odell's death and the Earps, two plots that popped up mid-season, didn't really go anywhere and then stopped abruptly. I doubt we would have seen Wyatt and Morgan again, and with Hearst on his way to Montana, would Aunt Lou be following, or would she be one of the people Hearst left behind to keep an eye on his interests (in this case, how E.B. runs the Grand Central)? And would she even be willing to work for him anymore? I suppose Lou might have become yet another member of this sprawling supporting cast in season four, because the show already didn't have enough characters to service. But I doubt we ever would have found out what Odell's game was, any more than we found out what Wyatt's genius plan was.
  
• Is the Doc really dying, or is he just a hypochondriac with a bad cough? Not sure if Brad Dourif had other commitments that kept him away from the set a lot this season, but I felt like Doc, Sol and Adams suffered the most in terms of screen time sacrificed to new characters and concerns. I can only hope Al's "Get busy living or get busy dying" speech would have continued to keep Doc upright and active through the final season.
  
• What does Ellsworth's death mean for Seth and Alma -- and, of course, Martha? This could have been one of season four's most interesting subplots: how does Martha balance her innate decency and selflessness with the knowledge that her husband is spending more time with his ex-mistress?
  
• Whither The General and Steve? Ehhh... I love Franklin Ajaye in this role but could live without more of this odd couple.
  
• What will Harry Manning be like as sherriff? I actually find it a bit sad that he won, not because Seth is out of a job that he didn't really want, but because the only reason Harry ran was to get enough attention to become a fireman. Tom went and bought the firefighting equipment, and now Harry's going to be stuck policing the camp when he'd rather be polishing the fire wagon. Still, I think I'm okay not seeing where this goes.

The most important question: what did the future hold for Al, Seth, The Gem, Sol, etc.? Well, you can find out the reality of what happened to most of the major figures here, and I suppose if the movies actually do happen, they would tackle a lot of this. But even though the fire was technically the end of the camp, I feel like we reached a good thematic end with Hearst's arrival and departure. After all, the show has always been about how civilization is born of chaos. We've seen the imposition of law & order and with the successful (albeit rigged) elections, the camp's assimilation into the United States is a fait accompli. And once you bring order to a lawless place, all that's left is for those with the most money to start swinging their weight around to prove that the law doesn't apply to everyone equally.

So we have greed and wealth (Hearst) triumphing over the rule of law (Bullock), common decency (Ellsworth) and even our famous Yankee cunning and know-how (Swearengen). (Warning: liberal political commentary ahead; skip to the next paragraph if you think I'm a commie pinko.) I know Milch and our Commander-in-Chief were frat brothers, but this scenario feels eerily relevant to our current socio-political situation. As David Simon from "The Wire" likes to say, unfettered capitalism is not a social program, and Hearst represents capitalism in its purest, bleakest form.

We all knew that evil was going to triumph to some degree, in that Hearst's survival and later ascendancy to the U.S. Senate is the kind of historical fact that Milch wouldn't fudge (as opposed to, say, Bullock's family situation), but what was surprising was what a rout evil accomplished. For all of Al's plotting and maneuvering over the last half season -- the stuff with Wu and Hawkeye and the editorial and even Alma's walk to the bank -- Hearst got virtually everything he wanted. Ellsworth is dead, Bullock is out of a job and all of Deadwood's gold claims belong to him. I've said that I wasn't expecting any significant gunplay, but at the end all of Al's scheming feels like just another narrative dead end like Odell and the Earps. Really, the only thing Al accomplished was preventing his people from giving Hearst any justification to have his men start a massacre and burn the camp to the ground. And even that came with the pricetag of two bodies: Ellsworth and Jen.

When Matt's review is up, I'll post a link to it here, but he had a big problem with the death of Jen -- or, rather, the lack of any opposition to it besides Johnny. I can see how even Bullock would be conflicted about the choice between an unknown innocent whore and his best friend's guilty woman, but I would have liked to see some arguments about it, or at least some more obvious internal wrestling by some of the "good" guys (if that term fits any living character on this show) than this. It also would have helped if Jen had been more of a known entity to us. I can barely remember her outside the incident with her and Morgan Earp, which in retrospect was supposed to be a hint that Johnny was sweet on her but at the time just seemed like a sign that Johnny was growing up into a true henchman like Dan.

But even within the all the bumps and wrong turns and whozawhuzzahowzahuh? moments, there was still plenty of room for reminders of the genius that's kept us all so riveted to this show for the last three years: Johnny explaining the meaning of the wall to Jen; Farnum's rant about Hearst and "oozing, gruesome goo!"; the look on Harry's face when Tom shows him the crate; Aunt Lou helping Richardson get dressed to cast a spite vote against Hearst; the troublemaking drunk from the No. 10 quoting the 15th Amendment at the Pinkertons; Al's "Play the lie as mine, knowing I speak of you in Heaven" speech to the troops; every word, look and gesture to come from both Gerald McRaney and Ian McShane; and, of course, one final shot of Al scrubbing blood (the symbol of how, yet again, civilization is built on acts of violence) off his floor.

If that's not the most fitting image to end the series on, I don't know what is.

For the last time (sigh...), the lines of the week:

• Charlie to Hearst: "I'm the guy that, the next time you see me, you better take a different fucking tone with."
• Hawkeye to Adams: "I came to camp to tell you, but I fell one saloon short."
• Hearst to Seth: "You mistake for fear, Mr. Bullock, what is, in fact, a preoccupation. I'm having a conversation you cannot hear."
• Con to Joanie: "I got 'stay the fuck out' written on a stone tablet in my bedroom"
• Johnny to Jen: "On the surface, yes, it is (a wall). But inside, many creatures go about their lives, such as ants. They got a whole operation going. Soldier ants and worker ants and whore ants to fuck the soldiers and the workers. Right inside that wall, baby ants. Everybody's got a task to hew to, Jen. You understand me? Jesus Christ, fucking sake. We'll talk about this later."
• Charlie to a Pinkerton: "If he don't make it, you'll be eating your spuds running till I hunt you the fuck down."
• Al delivering the final line: ""Wants me to tell him something pretty."

And, finally, because it wouldn't be a "Deadwood" farewell without it: cocksuckers!

Not that anybody should care...

... but the Emmys are on tonight. In today's column, I rant about the lameness of this year's nominations, talk about who got snubbed and who among the actual nominees deserves anything.

The Weak Ender

The Angels Jered Weaver had his winning streak snapped by the dreaded Boston Red Sox on Thursday night. There were a few times that Weaver could have been tagged for the loss this season (that start at Cleveland comes to mind). So it would not be fair to blame the Punch and Judy offense assembled by Bill Stoneman for this loss. But he can't find one guy who can clean up the bases? It has gotten pretty depressing in Anaheim.

But not as depressing to think that the NHL training camps are on the verge of opening. They might as well come to the point where they play NHL hockey year-round. It's not like they are going to hurt interest for the sport. In fact, they should just move to start the NHL playoffs right now. Start them today. Maybe the Ducks and the Kings could start a best of 21 playoff series. At least it would be exciting.

An adjective rarely used to describe hockey.

• The biggest proof that Jered Weaver has arrived was evidenced by Josh Beckett's performance on Thursday night. Weaver is now going to have to deal with bottom-feeders of the American League rising up, having the games of their lives when they are matched against the phenomena. Hey look, Beckett lowered his ERA to under 6.00.

• Your moment of Bish: On the mound at Angel Stadium tonight, Jered Weaver will be the epitome of California cool, with his surfboard-thin body, his blond, scraggly hair nipping at his shoulders and that funky, peekaboo delivery. Dude, they just don't get any cooler than this kid. You know, it was almost worth it to have Weaver lose if it will mean that the Bish will never write another column like this again.

• The Raiderettes have gone downhill since the team moved to Oakland. But this is just ridiculous.

• Do you think PacMan Jones got upset that the Cincinnati Bengals were stealing his spotlight on the police blotter and then went crazy? Although, it was hard to figure out what the beef was, seeing that he was just drunk and obnoxious in public. If that's the case, there should be around 4,000 Yankees fans arrested in Anaheim tonight.

AND FINALLY
Former 49ers running back Kevan Barlow drew some heat this week when he compared 49ers coach Mike Nolan to Hitler. This is really offensive. Not in PC-type of way, where just a name is offensive. Hopefully we have move far past that. No, the real injustice is that there are numerous dictators throughout history to use an example. Barlow is college educated.

Already, he took college classes.

Alright, he at least passed the library at Pittsburgh once on his way to football practice.

The point is, use a different example like Ivan the Terrible, Idi Amin or Nicolae Ceaucescu.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



The Saints have made news for football reasons this offseason�and surprisingly some of that news was good. The club hired Sean Payton as coach, a move that could be perceived as either a plus or minus, depending on how you look at Bill Parcells� prot�g�s.

And give the Saints credit, they didn�t go the route of the Raiders and pulled a former coach like Bum Phillips out of the mothballs. Although, Phillips would probably be a better choice than Art Shell.

The Saints also acquired quarterback Drew Brees who is a marked upgrade over Aaron Brooks. Of course, the Raiders thought that the quarterback who wasn�t good enough to beat out Todd Bouman for playing time would be a great addition at the position.

The biggest news, of course, was that Reggie Bush fell into their laps during the NFL Draft. Even though running back was not the club�s biggest need, they�unlike Houston�would not pass up on the best player in the draft. And really, it�s not everyday that the Saints outsmart somebody.

So this makes it seem like the Saints could be poised for a run, maybe a dark horse, Cinderella-type of team. Yeah, right.

Do you think the NFL is going to allow the Saints to win the Super Bowl this year? Then how would the league be able to justify moving the team to Los Angeles next year? The Saints have no chance.


Other previews: Jets, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears Buccaneers, Chiefs,Falcons, Raven, Titans, Lions and Giants.

Rescue Me: Love and death

Finally got to "Rescue Me" last night and started writing my review before fatigue set in. And before I was coherent enough to start writing this morning, I skimmed a couple of blogs and message boards, plus my in-box, and was surprised to see so much vitriol directed at what, to me, was the best episode of the season and one of the better (albeit stranger) hours this show has ever done. More after the jump...

Understated isn't a word you often associate with Denis Leary, or with anyone who works on the show, but I thought this week's episode was superb because it had so many opportunities to go over the top and almost never did. Even the opening sequence, with Tommy and then Janet and the girls finding out about Johnny was done with the music overriding any sounds of weeping or wailing. And Tommy's confrontation with the shooter could have gone in all kinds of obvious and/or cheesey directions -- Tommy kicking the guy's ass, Tommy yelling at the guy, Tommy trying to make the guy feel guilty, etc. -- but instead Tommy realized there was no point to doing anything (save the prepare-to-be-a-prag bit at the end). He arranged for the death of the drunk driver who killed Connor, and it gave him no peace.

The two highlights of the less-is-more approach: Tommy's Dad excusing himself and then struggling with the bathroom door (Charles Durning absolutely destroyed me, both in that scene and the one where he apologized to Rosemary), and Tommy and Lou silently working in the kitchen as they listened to the answering machine messages -- and everyone who saw a message from Johnny coming, move straight to the head of the class. (Someone on TWoP raised an interesting question: is the fact that both Gavin brothers left each other apologetic voicemails around the same time a corny coincidence, or did Tommy send his after Johnny died as a ploy to get Janet's attention? Would explain why Tommy imagined Johnny's eyes opening wide when he mentioned the message.) And, as always, I got chills by the casual appearance of the ghosts, especially Jimmy taking Connor under his wing (in a better way than Tommy's done with Damian).

(UPDATE: Vis a vis the chronology of exactly when Tommy left that voicemail message, I asked Leary and Tolan about it on a conference call, and Denis said, "We, I think, would prefer to leave that to next season." Hmm...)

The beef people seem to have is with Maggie and Sean's wedding -- not only the fact that the priest would agree to do it, but that the entire crowd of mourners would stick around and be enthusiastic about it. But it worked for me, because it seemed to fit into Tommy's Dad's request for a celebration instead of a sad day. Everyone on this show has been through so much horror; why wouldn't they want to find some excuse to be happy, even if it's wildly inappropriate?

I've been waiting long enough to post this, and I have a screener of the season finale I want to get to, so on to the quick hits:

• Sue Thomas, F.B.Eye is a Gavin? Another gem observation, courtesy of TWoP (really, I have no insights of my own when it comes down to it): the Gavins, like the Kennedys, are an Irish clan where the men have a habit of dying tragically young, and like the Kennedys, there's a sister named Rosemary who was shunned for having a disability. No way that's not intentional.
• Not sure which was the funnier part of Sean and Maggie's marriage: "Mr. and Mrs. Gavity" or the two of them consummating the marriage in the bottom bunk bed.
• Noticeably absent from the funeral: Marisa Tomei as Johnny's ex and James Badge Dale as Timo, the cop brother who popped up a few times near the end of season one when Dean Winters wasn't available. Cable drama budgets being what they are, I understand not being able to get Tomei to do a wordless cameo, but what's Chase from "24" doing to keep him away?
• Did I miss an episode? When did Mike go from being conflicted, if not in outright denial, about his interest in men, to gleefully hitting on that brother and sister?
• It hadn't even occurred to me that Franco's girlfriend looked like Keelah, but now I can't not see it. They say that women tend to marry men like their father, but this reversal is skeevy.
• Doesn't seem much point to Lou and the nun, save that it's creating even more promise of his life that will no doubt be dashed when he and Tommy wind up staying in the firehouse for some reason.
• Good to see Chief Reilly's son again.
• Bored with Teddy and Patti D'Arbanville. Not that I would trade Scurti or McGee for Lenny Clarke (who was, I believe, supposed to play either Lou or Jerry but had another commitment), but I really wish he could be in the firehouse (ala "The Job") instead of off in his own pointless subplots.

Off to watch the finale, to be followed tomorrow afternoon by a Leary/Tolan conference call. Can Leary injure me through the phone?

Who's Your Padre?

Wasn't it a couple of days ago that the Dodgers were heralded as challengers to the Mets in the National League? And now the Dogs have lost their grip on the NL West almost as fast as Dilana blew her chances of winning Rock Star: Supernova last night.

The Padres completed a three-game sweep of the Dodgers with a 7-2 victory, to move a game within first place in the NL West. It all boiled over when Brad Penny (0-2 with a 9.00 ERA against the Padres this year) and Grady Little showed little composure, as both were tossed out. Tough break guys.

Some experts felt the division was over a week ago. And they are partly right. The only difference is that the Dodgers won�t be a part of it. They are way too streaky. The Dodgers had attracted national attention during their 17-1 run earlier this month. But reality has slapped the club in the face as they have dropped five of their last seven games. And remember, this was a team that lost 13 of its first 14 games following the All-Star break. When trying to find a balance to this team, the club that suffered long losing streaks is probably a better indication of where this team is, talent wise. The Dodgers will stick around near the top of the standings because the NL West isn't that good, but they can't be considered a serious player.

Especially if they ever have to face the Padres again.

Everyone's (still) a little bit racist?

So after thinking about it for a while, I decided to devote today's column to "Survivor" segregation. Here's an excerpt:

At first glance, the idea's appalling, but there might be some genuine merit in it. If nothing else, after years of casting only one or two minority tokens each season, Burnett finally has a cast that resembles the population of America.

Previous contestants of color -- Gervase the loafer, Clarence the bean-stealer, Sean and his cries of slavery -- had to carry the banner for an entire race. When the show casts its latest blonde princess, no one cries sexism because there are a half-dozen or more other white women of various personalities and work ethics.

"It's just unfortunate that there aren't more minorities on the show," Gervase Peterson told me four years ago, while acknowledging that the show's applicants are overwhelmingly white. (Burnett and company made an extra effort to find minority contestants this time.) "If there were, you would get a totally different mix of people. You would have people who would totally reinforce good stereotypes of black people, Asians, Puerto Ricans, and you'd get people who reinforce the negative stereotypes. When the pickings are slim, this is what you're getting."

By the very nature of boxing's demographics, the contestants on Burnett's "The Contender" have been mostly black and Latino, and they run the emotional gamut, from cocky to humble, from hotheaded to thoughtful.

And by segregating the contestants, even if only for a few episodes, the show may be able to deal with another minority contestant complaint: that being surrounded by nothing but white people either altered their own behavior or caused it to be misinterpreted.

To read the full column, click here.

Rock Star: Hero(ine) takes a fall

Since everyone in the world including Patrice knew that she was going home from "Rock Star" tonight, the most interesting part of the elimination show wasn't the debut of Supernova's second song (though it was slightly catchier) or the presence of Toby in the bottom three only a few minutes after he sang with Supernova. It was Dilana, the clear front-runner from week one, taking a couple of image hits. (According to people in the taping, the bit about talking to reporters went on for more than a half-hour, with Dave and the band all savaging her.)

The honest to the point of rude side of Dilana isn't a surprise to me -- even back in week three, she was dogging all the male contestants to any reporter who asked -- but the double pile-0n was. Maybe the producers felt they had to do damage control after everyone said that her singing with the band last week made the rest of the season a waste of time, or maybe she really is getting on everybody's nerves and they need to start laying the groundwork for her eventual defeat.

I still think the final two comes down to Dilana vs. Lukas, but for argument's sake, let's look at the chances of each remaining contender after the jump...

THE FAVORITES: Dilana and Lukas
"Lithium" and "Zombie" established Dilana as the most original, compelling contestant this season, and she's looked pretty comfortable jamming with both Gilby and the entire band. Working against her are an apparently abrasive personality (though that didn't exactly hurt J.D. last season) and the fact that, as Magni pointed out in the Mansion segment, she's really plateaued. Feels like it's been a month since her last really memorable performance ("Time After Time"?).

And speaking of J.D., we have Lukas as this year's token homeless Canadian assclown, the polarizing figure whom you either love or despise. He definitely has the stage presence down, and he's shown on a few songs like "Creep" that he can really sing when he wants to. Plus, Tommy digs him and Jason seems to view him as a pet project. On the downside, his "Celebrity Skin" was by far the worst performance by any of the remaining contenders, and the producers may try to nudge Supernova away from picking him to avoid making this season feel like a rerun of year one.

THE SAFE CHOICE: Magni
He and Storm are the sanest, most professional people left, as well as the best pure singers. He's also a good guitar player (though not in the class of the guy from the House Band, who was amazing on "Fire" and has repeatedly outclassed Gilby by an order of 10). Plus, Newsted loves him. Pick him, and you don't have to worry about headaches on the road and in the studio -- or about being upstaged by a singer who's too charismatic or distinctive. But by the same token, he only occasionally comes off like a bonafide rock star ("Fire" being one of those rare occasions). If they're expecting the frontman or woman to actually draw in a significant audience, I don't know that he's the guy.

THE DARK HORSES: Ryan and Toby
I've been pretty clear about my boredom with Ryan, but the band doesn't seem to feel the same way. Of the three originals that have been performed so far, "Back of Your Car" sounded most like something Supernova might actually play. Toby, meanwhile, can sing, had nice on-stage chemistry with the band, and will arguably have the most female appeal of any of the remaining men. The fact that he was chosen second to play with the band suggests they're taking him more seriously than I have. (That, or, again, reaction to Dilana with them last week scared them and the producers into picking someone who obviously isn't going to win.)

ON THE SPOT: Storm
It pains me to say this, since she's my favorite, but if Storm is in the bottom three next week, I think she goes home. Again, she's a mature, talented pro -- and, judging by her interactions with Navarro and the band, she'd be a lot of fun to have on the road -- but she's only knocked one song out of the park ("Anything, Anything") and has spent every week since singing songs that aren't remotely the sort of thing this band is going to do. She has to absolutely kill it next time, and if they're only singing one song each on Viewer's Choice week (last year, I vaguely recall that everyone got to do two, one chosen by viewers, one an original), she could be in trouble, because two of the choices ("Changes," "We Are the Champions") are ballads, one ("Bring Me To Life") has been done, like, 12 times already this season, and the fourth ("Anything, Anything") is something she's already done twice. If a second song is on the table, she needs to fight, shove, bully, whatever to either do an original or play with someone in Supernova.

What does everybody else think? Are my rankings way off? If you were one of the three chuckleheads in Supernova and you had to make the choice right now, who would you pick?

Nice Scouting Department

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones held a closed-door meeting with his scouting staff today where he implored his crew to start looking for, you know, football players to play quarterback for the Cowboys. The club is now 0-for-3 in trying to convert baseball players into starting quarterbacks as the team released Drew Henson on Wednesday.

Chad Hutchinson and Quincy Carter had previously failed as Cowboys signal callers from 2001 to 2003. Both have fallen off the face of the NFL world. Luckily the Cowboys were unsuccessful in previous attempts to lure Tom Glavine, Randy Johnson and Roger Clemens to the NFL. Maybe somebody should tell Jones that not every quarterback who plays baseball will turn out to be John Elway.

It is a sad chapter to the Cowboys quarterback legacy that has included Don Meredith, Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman. But it also shows how little Jones pays attention to scouting. One of his first orders of business when he took over the Cowboys in 1989 was to gut the scouting staff. It worked when Jimmy Johnson was in charge. But has been a miserable failure since that time.

Everyone's a little bit racist?

Thoughts on the new "Survivor" twist of dividing up the teams by race? Given the show's queasy history with minority casting and portrayal, I'm having a hard time seeing an upside.

What are you laughing at?

I went with "Rock Star" over "Rescue Me" last night, so I won't get to Tommy and pals until sometime this afternoon at the earliest. In the meantime, the daily column link: the upcoming showdown between new sitcoms with laughtracks and those without.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey has been outspoken in his belief that the preseason is too long. But he will never be able to convince his quarterback, Eli Messiah, of that. The Messiah has proven to be one of the best preseason quarterbacks in the history of the league. Nobody thrives more against vanilla defenses, a lack of blitzing and non-pressure situations more than Eli. Well, at least not since his dad was in the league. If anything, look for Archie to petition the league for more preseason games so his son can really show what he�s got.

The sad part is that the Giants coaching staff realizes that Eli cannot thrive in pressure situations. That is why the club does not have a competent backup quarterback behind the Messiah. Instead they have Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Jared Lorenzen and Rob Johnson.

Yes, that Rob Johnson.

The guy who hasn't thrown a pass since 2003. The guy who hasn't started a game since 2002.

Wow, they really don�t want to put any pressure on Eli, do they? Nobody�in their right mind�is ever going to be screaming for Johnson to replace the Messiah. (Well, maybe Doug Flutie would just for fun. But no Giants fan certainly would. ) So Eli gets to survive in this cocoon where he is never going to be challenged for his job, no matter how poorly he plays. Kind of like how badly he played in the playoffs last season.

Just don't expect to see Eli back in the playoffs this year. And if he is, don't expect much.

Other previews: Jets, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears Buccaneers, Chiefs,Falcons, Raven, Titans and Lions.

Rock Star: Come down here and take it, bitch!

"Rock Star" line of the night, if not the season, goes to Storm for her comeback to Navarro. (Which I understand wasn't even the sauciest thing said during that exchange, since they had a whole back and forth about safewords and ball-gags. Ah, the FCC.) Singer-by-singer breakdown after the jump...

Patrice, "Beautiful Thing": This, I liked -- and a lot more than that T-Rex by way of Poison and Warrant song that Supernova (Featuring Dilana!) performed last Wednesday. Peppy guitar pop is one of my things, and I could imagine this in heavy iPod rotation without difficulty. As Dave said, not sure it's right for whatever the hell it is Tommy and the guys want to do, but the best Patrice has been since "My Iron Lung," if not "Somebody to Love" on opening night.

Magni, "Smells Like Teen Spirit": Tough song to make your own, because it's so indelibly Nirvana in a way that no other Cobain song is. Magni played it straight down the middle, doing a very faithful cover (has he ever really mixed up an arrangement?) and screaming his lungs out in honorable fashion. Not mind-blowing, but solid, and one of those numbers that I imagine played better in the room than at home. Also, why hide the head vein beneath the wool cap on a song where you're going to go this bonko?

Ryan, "Back of Your Car": No. While his ability to move with the guitar was better, I feel like this guy gives the same. exact. performance. every damn week, and I'm bored with him. Plus, how much of a blatant suck-up was the guitar toss? Way to congratulate him for doing something the guys just suggested five minutes earlier, Dave.

Storm, "Crying": Stormy was in her element on this one, with the dramatics and the high notes and all the gyrations, and yet I kept being reminded of how much better Steven Tyler's voice sounds on this -- and that's coming from someone who always gets sad listening to early Aerosmith and imagining what Tyler would sound like today if he hadn't done so many drugs. Storm has a great voice and nobody else left would have come close to what she did with this, but if you can't match an iconic singer's voice, you should change the song up enough to cover for that.

This is also, like, Storm's fourth ballad in a row, and if she wants to even be included in the discussion with Lukas and Dilana, she needs to get out there and kick some ass on a harder, preferably faster song. That's why I was so frustrated she gave in to Ryan on the original song. (If you want an R-rated preview of what she plans to sing if she ever gets that chance, click here. There's a version with PG lyrics out there somewhere -- "What" in place of the F-word.) Question is, does she even want to win anymore, or does she just want to stick around a long time, then go back to doing her old gigs, only with a higher profile? I have this weird feeling her heart's not in it anymore, but I enjoy watching her and hope she has another "Anything Anything"-esque performance in her.

Dilana, "Every Breath You Take": OMFG, did she really sing her own name repeatedly at the end? I don't care if the "la la"s in the actual song sound a little like "Dilana," that's like one of those Pizza Hut pizzas where, just in case your cholestorol wasn't already jacked up, they have to shove extra cheese into the crust. That moment was an angioplasty special, and the capper to Dilana's most pedestrian performance by far. (Though it was still a step up from the version she was practicing in the webisode, where her falsetto sounded like a strangled dog.) I still think she has in the inside track on the job, but it's been a while since she really dazzled me performance-wise.

Toby, "Layla": I'm usually pro-rearrangement, and anything to take the song the hell away from the godawful Unplugged version Clapton perpetrated a decade or so ago is alright in my book, but this one just felt off. In general, Toby's been really manic and trying too hard the last few weeks. Plus, with the hoodie on, I kept wondering when he was going to break into "You All, Everybody." (Or am I the only one who thinks he looks a bit like Charlie from "Lost"?)

Lukas, "All These Things That I've Done": Great manic energy and vocal intensity, if not quality. Maybe he was just out of breath from all the moving around, but his voice wasn't a patch on the original, which is one of my favorite songs of the last five years. Still, I like watching the guy jump around, but I'd like to hear him sing in his "Creep" voice again, and soon.

I think Patrice is going home no matter what. Hard to figure the encore, since nobody was head-and-shoulders dazzling. I'll be stunned if anyone but Lukas gets to play with Supernova.

What did everybody else think?

Willie McGinest: Froot Loop

It seems you can�t go any more than a few weeks than having a player complain about his jersey number. The latest is Willie McGinest, who is a little upset that Patriots management allowed Junior Seau to wear his old No. 55 in New England. McGinest was upset that Seau and coach Bill Belicheck called and asked permission to wear the number. McGinest felt that the Patriots front office should have refused from the get-go and not let it get to that point.

McGinest needs to realize that he was a good player on a couple of championship teams. It's not like when Jerry Rice strong-armed Pro Football Hall of Fame receiver Steve Largent to pull his No. 80 out of the rafters. (Even though Rice would not take No. 80 off Denver's Rod Smith the following year.)

Seau is destined for the Pro Football Hall of Fame. McGinest will be remembered as the Wilber Marshall of the Patriots.

McGinest said that it would have been awkward to turn down Seau on his request. Yeah, you want to know why? McGinest started wearing the No. 55 at USC in honor of Seau who had previously worn the number for the Trojans.

"He's the reason why I was wearing the number. He made it what it is today, and he passed it down to me. He had his legacy with it where he was, and I created mine where I was," McGinest said.

So McGinest wore the number to honor Seau and now, not only is he not honored, but he�s offended that Seau wants to wear the No. 55? The number Seau wore in the first place? Ah hell, have fun in Cleveland, idiot.

Story link. And the previous Froot Loop.

Vanished: I already have

I feel like I said everything I care to say about "Vanished" in yesterday's column. I may give it one extra week, given that it's summer, but this was one of the few absolute dud drama pilots I saw this season. Anybody watch, and, if so, what did you think?

How About Paris Hilton Stadium?

It would at least have a better chance and mean virtually the same thing. The owners of the infamous Las Vegas hot spot, the Pink Taco restaurant, had designs on being the Birds' naming rights partner for the club's new stadium.

Unfortunately for the Morton�s Restaurant Group, the owners of the Cardinals are not a bunch of drunk 20-somethings who giggle when they hear the name of the eatery.

It could be a solid strategy because the Cardinals could actually become a laughingstock of professional sports for something other than their futility on the field. But you have to imagine that the stadium has about as much chance of being named the Pink Taco as Neil Lomax does of being the Birds starter this season (although he is a better option than John Navarre).

Restaurateur Harry Morton insists that the overture is not a publicity stunt. And really, you have to trust the word of Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend. It's hard to imagine that the Pink Taco could come up with $30M to secure the deal�unless there is a huge market for bland food and watered down margaritas. Which, of course, would kind of describe the concession operations for most stadiums.

Link.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:



Running back Kevin Jones may be one of the most underrated running backs in the NFL. So look for new offensive coordinator Mike Martz to refuse to run the ball with him as the Lions try to get the ball to receivers Mike Williams, Charles Rogers and Corey Bradford. Jones should look at the bright side, at least his career will be prolonged as he will only touch the ball about eight times a game. Heck, if he plays his cards right, he could end up like Marcus Allen who translated a part-time career into a Pro Football Hall of Fame induction.

The key on offense will come down to quarterback Josh McCown. No, not because he is going to beat out journeyman Jon Kitna. No, Martz has a tendency to get his quarterbacks killed. Hell, Trent Green didn't even make it out of the preseason during Martz�s first year in St. Louis in 1999.

It�s a shame for the Lions, too, considering that the defense should be improved under head coach Rod Marinelli's cover-two system. Damn, imagine how potent the defense could be if GM Matt Millen ever used a first-round pick on defense. (Well, at least before they drafted linebacker Huey Richardson this year�just kidding, it was Andre Wadsworth.)


Other previews: Jets, Texans, Vikings, Jaguars, Bills, Eagles, Bears, Buccaneers, Chiefs, Falcons, Raven and Titans.

I hate baseball

Dear ESPN/Baseball Broadcasting Jackasses,

Is it really, really THAT necessary to show a close up of a differing a-hole Red Sox fan in between EVERY freaking pitch? I made the mistake of flipping to the last two innings of the Boston-NY game Sunday night. I thought the game, like all baseball games the past 15 years, would put me to sleep. It did, but I fell asleep angry.

I can�t imagine a place I'd less rather be at that than a stadium full of Boston fans. Even a Packers game on a sweltering afternoon in August would be more pleasant by comparison. Every Sox fan thinks they have to wear a tattered hat and/or jersey to show how cool and trendy they are. Got it. You've been a fan forever.

Sox fans also think that the late innings of a mid-August game are the most important thing ever, and you need to get freaked out over every at-bat. Whatever, ladies. The 92nd Boston-NY game of the year is not that important to the rest of us. Really, it isn't. We get it ESPN, Boston's a bunch of trend-following, self-important, ugly-assed, neurotic losers. You really don�t need to keep reminding us with a different close-up of some ass-clown every five seconds. Please stop.

THE MF'ING BISH�S FRESH TAKE OF THE WEEK AWARD

Jim Nantz, on hearing that golfer Luke Donald went out to see Snakes on a Plane on Saturday night: �And now he�s got a Tiger on the golf course.� (Followed by total silence. Even the Irish a-hole was speechless.)

Dude, you suck.

You suck at golf with your patronizing, John Tesh-wannabe persona (without the musical chops) and you suck even more trying to come across as a man�s man when you do football games. You�re 100 percent phony.

Please go the route of fellow pervert Pat O'Brien � leave the sports to others and go move to kissing ass on the entertainment TV circuit or something. Jerk.

The Post Mortem

Angels manager Mike Scioscia seems to have a quick hook with pitchers, always pulling them out one inning too early. So it should come as no shock that he pulled interim manager Ron Roenicke after a glorious three-game winning streak, not giving his old friend a chance to extend his streak on Sunday.

And it almost cost the Angels, too, had they not been playing the Seattle Mariners�a team the Rally Monkey could have managed to sweep. The Angels actually rallied from a two-run deficit to win on Sunday. Good thing, too.

How bad are the Mariners? They have lost 20 consecutive games against division opponents and, you know what, it�s kind of nice. The Yankees and Red Sox have feasted for years on some of the bottom feeders in the AL East. It�s nice for Seattle to be so considerate of its AL West compatriots.

• Had a chance to see Jered Weaver live for the first time since he struck out the first 10 USC batters during his junior season at Long Beach State. (Yeah, seriously, what too so long, right?) In that game against the Trojans, the leadoff hitter fouled off Weaver�s first pitch. USC did not so much as touch the ball until the fourth inning after that. Blair Field was sold out that night, with about 500 extra people (including a Long Beach fire truck) on a hill outside of the park. Angels Stadium is starting to build that sort of must-see atmosphere when Weaver pitches. A kind of excitement that hasn�t been seen for a rookie since Wally World erupted in the 1980s. It will be a circus on Weaver's next start on Thursday against the Red Sox.

• Great game by the Red Sox on Sunday night. Sure, the team might have lost, but at least they held the Yankees to single digits. Progress, right?

• The Yankees have won the first four games of the series. And they couldn�t do that in the 2004 playoffs? It�s not hard to imagine that many Red Sox fans would trade in that World Series title in exchange for the Sports Dork never writing his, �So I Can Die in Peace,� book.

• How bad are the 49ers right now, looking that awful against the juggernaut Raiders?

• Reggie Bush looked awesome for the Texans this weekend. Oh wait, it wasn�t Bush, but sixth-round pick Wali Lundy. The former Virginia star dominated the St. Louis defense on Saturday night and looked pretty good, rushing for nearly 100 yards. The Texans had better hope that Lundy emerges as the second coming of Terrell Davis. The AP reported that Texans defensive end Mario Williams, the guy they drafted instead of Bush, had a great game by knocking down one pass against St. Louis. Hey, that�s great. Why Bush turns into the next Gayle Sayers, the Texans can celebrated a batted ball.

AND FINALLY
Heard on the radio this morning that Lions receiver Mike Williams is fined $400 for every pound he is over the Lions prescribed weight. Williams is believed to be about 10 pounds over his target goal, costing him $4,000. Could you imagine if the PGA had something similar? Maybe that could keep Phil Mickelson from going Mama Cass every time Tiger is leading a major.