THN Baseball Preview: 60 Lines About 30 Teams

(In predicted order of finish)

AMERICAN LEAGUE
West
Angels: Too many Angels in the outfield and no power hitting 3B. Best pitching staff on the disabled list anywhere.

Mariners: Pitchers Eric Bedard and Felix Hernandez are scary, as is Richie Sexon�s batting average. Quotes from Ichiro make me happy.

A�s: Getting rid of Nick Swisher and Jason Kendall make this team 90% less hate-able. Kurt Suzuki�s 2004 Cal State Fullerton team was better than the current A�s.

Rangers: Team needs new training staff. Hire Jose Canseco to be the team�s pharmacist.

Central
Tigers: Best lineup in the American League. And they are going to need it with Todd Jones as their closer.

Indians: One more year of C. C. Sabathia, so the time is now. But which will be larger, his contract or his weight after he signs that contract?

White Sox: Will A.J. Pierzynsky pout about no longer being the biggest schmuck in Chicago with the arrival of Nick Swisher? Ozzie might have his hands full.

Royals: No longer the most boring team in the league. Because here comes Jose Guillen (good luck with all of that).

Twins: Richest owner in baseball, yet smallest payroll. They say Montgomery Burns is based on Carl Pohlad who is far from excellent.

East
Yankees: A-Rod and Jeter are in love again. Hank Steinbrenner and Joe Girardi are the new douche bags in town.

Red Sox: Two World Series titles in four years is still unbelievable. The fact that their fans are still the biggest a-holes in the world is not.

Blue Jays: Fear pitchers with initials for first names as A.J. Burnett and B.J. Ryan already hurt. Bring back Joe Carter.

Rays: Third baseman Evan Longoria will be a superstar some day. But for now he, and the Rays hopes, are in the minors.

Orioles: The Orioles' plan Greek to me, but Nick Markakis kicks ass. Where have you gone, Al Bumbry?

NATIONAL LEAGUE
West
Diamondbacks: Should follow the lead of Tampa Bay and be known only as �Backs.� Please make Randy Johnson go away.

Rockies: The team continues to grow in popularity, ranking behind Broncos, Avs and South Park. And almost nobody remembers them getting swept by Boston in the World Series.

Padres: Least surprising development, Jim Edmonds and Mark Prior start the season on the disabled list. And to make matters worse, beer prices are rising at Petco Park.

Dodgers: Will the Dodgers players take enough steroids for Joe Torre to replicate his New York success? Normar is probably willing.

Giants: The other Barry (Zito) is closing in on another record - becoming the biggest bust of a free-agent pitcher, ever. Without Barry Bonds to boo, this team is the Royals.

Central
Cubs: Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome might be more powerful than a Billy goat. And the Red Sox proved, no matter how (expletive) your fans are, curses can fall.

Reds: Manager Dusty Baker has the kids to make it to the postseason. Just make sure that his actual son stays away from home plate during the game.

Brewers: First baseman Prince Fielder is pushing his father�s record of being the fattest man to hit 50 home runs in a season. Eric Gagne�s game is over, however.

Astros: No more sting for the Killer Bs. Michael Bourn would be supreme, well, if he could actually hit the ball.

Cardinals: This baseball team is asleep, like a drunk slumped behind the wheel in an intersection. They will miss Scott Spiezio�s fight.

Pirates: Does anybody in Pittsburgh even care anymore? Even mentioning Sid Bream no longer hurts the Pirates fans (what�s left of them).

East
Mets: Pitcher Johan Santana is great, but will he be distracted by Willie Randolph�s choking? Carlos Beltran needs to be more focused on winning than smack talk.

Braves: First baseman Mark Teixeira anchors a solid lineup that has many in Atlanta thinking playoffs. Not the fans though, because they won�t condescend to sellout a playoff game.

Phillies: No lead is safe with Brad Lidge around, but the Blonde is a closer. CF Shane Victorino can field his position without breaking his face.

Senators: Yes, we know your name is Nationals but we can always dream. Austin Kearns will double his homeruns in the new ballpark.

Marlins: Get your licks in now, because the Marlins will win the World Series in 2012. And then the team will be dismantled in 2013.