Days of whine and teacups

"The Sopranos," episode nine. The opener to this week's review:

St. Elzear was a French nobleman who died at 38 and who chose to honor his wife's lifelong vow of chastity.

In other words, Tony, Paulie, Chris and the guys spent a good chunk of last night paying tribute to a man whose life they would do anything to avoid.

Not that theirs are much better, frankly. As Tony and Melfi discussed in therapy, people go on scary amusement park rides because they're bored, and the gangster lifestyle is essentially one long trip to Great Adventure. You wait on line for an hour, scream your head off for 90 seconds, then get at the back of another line.

Why do Tony and Chris try to hijack a hijacking? Because it's something to do, something to punctuate the tedium and hassles of a life that's a lot less glamorous than they had imagined. The two get drunk on the stolen wine and the retelling of the story ("We're with the Vipers!") for a while, but as time passes, the booze and the memories both lose some of their, you know, pop. And then it's back to another card game at Satriale's, another collection headache, another day of waiting for the next adventure.

As Tony put it to Melfi in describing his post-coma attitude, "Every day is a gift. It's just, does it have to be a pair of socks?"

At least Old Tony could count on some excitement from his mistresses (before they went nutso on him). New Tony doesn't even have that outlet; while he stands helpless on terra firma, his failed conquest Julianna is too busy laughing her head off on her ride to even notice him.

Over the years, people have complained that this show glamorizes the mob. Whether you buy that or not, David Chase and company are making sure to clean up any mess on the way out the door. These guys have always been pathetic, selfish losers, a fact being hammered home more than ever.

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