Lost: So, um, who's your favorite New Kid?

Today's column previews the return of "Lost," which I found underwhelming:

It's "Lost" guide time again, but instead of a who's-who on the island primer like the one I wrote back in October, now I feel like I need to write a guide for managing expectations about the show's return.

I've been on record as being a fan of "Lost," in spite of its many obvious flaws, because I accepted a long time ago that its writers are making things up as they go along and that any answers we get about the island's mysteries will be non-existent or unsatisfying. So long as the show entertains me on an episode-by-episode basis, I don't care about what the master plan is -- or whether it even exists.

But the six episodes that aired in the fall failed that simple test for me, and for lots of other viewers. People complained about all the torture scenes, the absence of the supporting cast, the repetitive flashbacks, the death of Mr. Eko -- pretty much everything but Paulo's golf swing. (And that's only because there were so many other things to complain about with Paulo and his equally pointless pal Nikki.)

Watching "Lost" is like being in a bad relationship -- the really good episodes are like the times your significant other remembers to do something nice for your birthday, and they make you ignore all the times s/he treated you like garbage. So after three months of being off the air, it probably wouldn't take much for "Lost" to win you back.

Having seen tonight's episode, titled "Not in Portland," I'm sorry to say that not much is exactly what you'll get. Almost every flaw that plagued those first six episodes is still present. Hopefully, better days are coming, but, while trying to be as vague as possible about anything spoiler-related, here's what you need to know to steel yourself for what's coming immediately:

To read the rest, click here. Obviously, I'll have a more spoiler-y review tonight.