The Weak Ender: This Isn't Happening

The NFL released it's schedule this week. What a bunch of Billy Mumphrys -- a bunch of cockeyed optimists believing that there will even be a season next year. But a couple of things stand out about the Chargers schedule.

The Chargers play four of it's first five games at home. Which will be awesome when the first month of the season is erased.

The Chargers also don't have a game in late October, ensuring that there will not be a glimpse of the Chargers Girls in Halloween costumes.

NFL.com noticed this, too, and pointed it out here.

That writer for the NFL was on fire this week. He had a number of great stories.

Here are some fantasy football predictions.

Here are some gift ideas for Candice Crawford in honor of Tony Romo's birthday.

And NFL.com continues to take the piss out of Hugh Jackman, too.

The Weak Ender: Who is watching Archer?

If you are not watching Archer on FX, you don't know what you are missing. But for those of you who do like the show, Warming Glow, has a really nice piece on the ten most obscure references on the show.

The premiere of the second season certainly didn't disappoint.

STEELERS FANS love the Terrible Towel. In fact, there hasn't been an inexplicable love for an inanimate object this big since Germans started flocking to David Hasselhoff concerts. But there hasn't been any empirical data to back that up, until now.

One of the biggest retail giants in the world, Amazon.com, gives you up-to-the-minute details of the best-selling object at any given moment. And the best-selling item in bedding and bath? None other than the Terrible Towel, which not only ranked first, but also sixth (at the time of this writing).

Yep, the famed invention of Myron Cope is selling better than scales, shower curtains and a Luna premium hypoallergenic waterproof mattress protector. Obviously a proud day for Steelers fans.

But with success comes imitation. And now the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel is reporting that McArthur Towel & Sports, makers of the Terrible Towel (a Wisconsin company -- how scandalous) will be producing a Titletown Towel.

Wait, what?

Bad form, McArthur Towel & Sports. This cannot end well.

Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery in the towel business. A fake towel imitation seems like a good idea, much in the same vein that replacing Rob Halford in Judas Priest with a guy from a tribute band is a good idea. But with worse consequences and a non-Mark Wahlberg movie adaptation. Don't believe me?

One industrious Los Angeles Rams fan thought it would be a good idea to produce the "Rammy Whammy" in 1979, in anticipation of the Rams and Steelers meeting in Super Bowl XIV. Michael Rivard, the towel-stealing version of Seth McFarlane, thought he was just going to make a buck, but instead he doomed the franchise. Because here is what happened next (though it does seem to be kind of a blur at this point).

The Rams blew a 19-17 fourth-quarter lead to the Steelers in the Super Bowl, traded away Eric Dickerson on Halloween day in 1987, and folded the Los Angeles chapter of the franchise in 1994. Was it because of the Rammy Whammy?

Well it certainly could not have helped.

And then there is the ultimate insult. Again, the Terrible Towel is still a top-selling item on Amazon.com, while an original Rammy Whammy could not even fetch a $7 bid on eBay.

Oh well, at least the Thunderstix became popular in Anaheim. Oh, right ...

IMAGINE YOU are Packers guard Marshall Newhouse (or any anonymous, single Packers player on injured reserve) and you are chatting up some whore a young lady, regaling her with tales about your super season in Green Bay.

Now, ponder what would happen if that young lady saw a photo of the Super Bowl XLV Packers and you are not in it. Next thing you know, you have a drink thrown in your face, she rips you in a Facebook status update and you have to spend the rest of the night convincing her that your Super Bowl ring is indeed real and not purchased from eBay.

Sounds far-fetched? Does it?

That could certainly happen, as word has come out that none of the Packers players on injured reserve are going to be included in the team's official Super Bowl photo. Injured Packers stars Nick Barnett and Jermichael Finley have been bellyaching about this on Twitter. But what do they have to complain about? People have heard of those guys.

It is the other 14 guys (according to the Associate Press's count) who end up being viewed like Grandpa Simpson and his story of the Flying Hellfish. Those are the guys who we should be concerned about. How could the Packers be so heartless?

The Packers, for their part, have said that they do not want to disrespect the players on injured reserved. There are just too many of them. The injured reserve players do not arrive until Thursday when the photo is taking on Media Day on Tuesday. Oh, and there is a game to be won, too. Apparently the Packers are more concerned with that (via the Green Bay Press-Gazette) than who is in the team photo.

A Packers spokesman said: �It was a team decision driven by the sheer number of players on IR. Our primary focus is to get the team ready to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers. Every decision we make is about trying to win a world championship.�

And even then, when faced with the reality of winning the Super Bowl, Barnett did change his tune (via Twitter).

�I was not trying to be a distraction nor was I downing the organization they have done so much for me over last 8 years.. Just saying I was � Just saying I am sad that it worked out the way it did.. This game is bigger then my feelings and my body of work.. It�s about �One Goal�!

Of course, the PR smear job was enough for the Packers to change their tune and move the picture deal until Friday. So all of the whiners will have their way.

Of course, if the players are still upset, they could just learn to use Photoshop. That is what the rest of us guys who pretend to have been former football players do.

And again, much respect to that unwitting Vegas traveler years ago who probably thinks that she really did sleep with Adam Vinatieri.

AND FINALLY ...

I hate Jimmer Fredette because the only thing worse than a poor-loser Mormons are the poor-winner Mormons. Seriously, why are Mormons so arrogant? Have you ever met a practicing Mormon who wasn't a smug a-hole?

Maybe Steve Young's wife, who fought against Prop. 8.

You know, the proposition funded by the Mormons. I guess they wanted to keep the sanctity of marriage. Or at least multiple ones.

Please, don't celebrate Fredette.

And if you are a practicing Mormon who reads and enjoys this space, I am legitimately blown away.

The Weak Ender: Karma Kills

Congratulations to Florida State. Not only does the Seminoles upset of Duke mean that these ladies were making some fellas very happy behind the dumpsters at the local Piggly Wiggly in Tallahassee, but San Diego State is inching closer to being the No. 1 team in college basketball.

Hopefully the Aztecs can knock off the BYU Cougars and then it becomes a waiting game.

Heady times. Too bad State's football coach did not want to stick around. Not that you can blame Brady Hoke for bolting to Michigan. Hoke was one of the few coaches around who was very honest and upfront about wanting to take his dream job in Ann Arbor. Good for him.

Yet, you cannot help but wish for him to at least given the Aztecs more than two seasons. Take it from a person who plays a lot of EA NCAA College Football, sometimes you want to stay at a place where you have proven that you can win, instead of taking a job that just ruined the reputation of a pretty good football coach.

If you want to bolt from SDSU to the pros as part of the Yasmine Bleeth principal, that makes sense. But why leave the Mountain West for a lesser conference?

Good luck to Hoke, though. He put the Aztecs on the right track. Hopefully Rocky Long can keep the car moving forward.

But enough with college football, except for one quick point. The SEC's run of five BCS titles does not really impress me, considering the teams that its members were playing. The win over Oregon impresses me, however. Congratulations SEC.

However, seeing that this was the first time I have watched Cam Newton play, I am not sure he was the best player in college football. He certainly was not better than Vince Young was as a college player. Seems to me, this was a guy who took advantage of a pretty easy non-conference schedule, an easy SEC schedule, but looked rather ordinary playing against a Pac-10 team.

Admittingly, I have seen Stanford's Andrew Luck play about 20 times, and Newton play once, but Luck is a much better quarterback at this time, and is likely going to be a better pro.

And what's with Auburn's receivers? How come none of them could catch? Oregon's receivers made big plays all over the place, yet the Auburn guys looked pretty average. In fact, I don't know why Auburn even threw that ball. That running back was far more impressive than Newton.

Again, I say this only seeing Newton play one time.

Alright, are we ready for some NFL games? I was a blistering 3-1 last week.

Yeah, I missed three games. Yikes. That won't happen again.

RAVEN at STEELERS: Saw a movie called the Mysteries of Pittsburgh recently. And just like your average Raven vs. Steelers tilt, this movie was plodding, predictable and a bit boring.

And yes, a little bit gay.

Everybody claims that they are clamoring for this matchup, but why? Haven't we seen this a number of times? We are getting close to this turning into the Red Sox vs. the Yankees of the NFL.

At least players on both teams are trying to kill each other, which is nice. And then there was this shirt (via Shutdown Corner):



Well, if you are going to bore us again, at least make it interesting. Pick: Steelers.

PACKERS AT FALCONS: This is the argument for reseeding. The Falcons have to face the hottest team in the NFC right now, instead of the Seahawks who just barely snuck into the playoffs.

That seems about right.

Everybody made sure to point out that Packers QB Aaron Rodgers had something to prove last week, needing to win a playoff game (including me). But Falcons QB Matt Ryan needs to do the same thing. It's not like the Falcons have a long resume of winning, and this team needs to do something.

To be honest, this seems like the NFC Championship Game to me. And the Packers just became a lot more dangerous because of the emergence of RB James Starks who was huge. Pick: Packers.

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS: The masses are starting to reason that the Seahawks are very similar to the Cardinals from two years ago, getting hot at the right time. But Matt Hasselbeck is not Kurt Warner.

Still, there is something about the Bears that concerns me. QB Jay Cutler likes to take a lot of risks when he is at home. Look at the numbers, Cutler throws more interceptions at home than he does on the road (11 to 5) and his passer rating is lower.

Pick: Seahawks (which means they host the NFC Championship Game).

JETS AT PATRIOTS: This is the game that everybody wants to see. Mainly because anytime Boston goes against New York, you come out ahead no matter what.

Here is the thing with the Jets. Thank you for knocking off Gomer and the Colts. America owes you a tremendous thanks. But all of that bluster. Reminds me of when Buddy Ryan took over the Arizona Cardinals back in 1994. He talked about there being a new sheriff in town and blah, blah, blah.

The Cardinals opened the season at Anaheim and the Rams beat them. What a great day that was.

Not sure if Buddy ever made foot fetish videos.

But that notwithstanding, this is a pretty tough game to call. On one hand, you want to pull for the Jets. They remind me of the poor Los Angeles Rams and our plight of being the second fiddle in a major media market watching big brother win a Super Bowl. It sucks.

And Jets fans love to drink.

But the Patriots have one of the original Patron Saints of The Hater Nation, Tom Brady. The team that beat both the Raiders and St. Louis FC in one playoff run. The closest Rams fans will ever come to a Super Bowl until AEG moves them back in 2015. (And if you think they are building a downtown stadium for the Vikings, Raiders or Jaguars, guess again.)

Tough call here, but the pick is: Patriots.

OF COURSE, I will leave all of the Brett Favre's sister is doing meth jokes to the Hatriot and the Bain in the comments, because they will crush it much harder than me.

AND FINALLY ...

I don't believe in karma, but Lebron James losing to the Clippers after calling out Cleveland for having bad karma in losing to the Lakers might make me a believer.

How can James even think that Cleveland should have bad karma. The fact that nobody in Cleveland has put a knife in LeBron's house or burned down his Akron house shows that Cleveland has nothing but good karma.

Karma kills, eh Lebron?

The Weak Ender: Wild Card preview

Hey dummy! What kind of world do we live in where Jaime Pressly cannot find a ride home after she's had a couple of belts?

I weep for America.

And I weep for America is the Eagles and Steelers make it to the Super Bowl. Not because it would not be an awesome game. But do we really want to give those on Mt. Pious the chance to picket the big game.

But what a glorious day it would be for people who make picket signs. Let�s look at this week�s matchups.

Saints at Seahawks: Nobody wants the Seahawks to be in the playoffs, so what better reason to root for Pete Carroll�s squad here? And what�s great, all of those experts who pan Pete�s tenure with the Patriots must now recognize that Carroll returned to the NFL and led his team a divisional crown and the playoffs in the first round.

And yeah, you can point out that the Seahawks were 7-9, and that they might have backed into the playoffs. But stuff happens. I mean, nobody brings up the fact that Gomer�s lone Super Bowl came against Rex Grossman. They just say Gomer, Super Bowl champion. So Pete, congratulations on winning the NFC West.

Even then, there is no way they win here. Pick: Saints

Jets at Colts: Funny, everybody wants to revamp the playoff format because the Seahawks are playing host to the Saints. Nobody cares that the Jets have to travel to Indianapolis despite having a better record than the Colts. Further, nobody cares that Eli Messiah is going to be the head referee today. Or at least he will be on camera enough to fulfill the NFL�s long-standing rule that America must be subjected to the Giants as much as possible.

Hey look, there�s Michael Strahan on a Subway commercial. And Dr. Pepper. And the Good Times Reunion Show.

Anyway, here is what to look for in this game.

Jets RB LaDainian Tomlinson riding an exercise bike. People on NFL.com voted Tomlinson as the running back to make the biggest difference this weekend. They know this is the playoffs right? Although, LT did a great job in helping the Jets win the playoffs last year.

Jets QB Mark Sanchez will make plays that will kill the Jets.

Gomer has his �all-good mode� game, meaning his lights up the Jets. Then we get a week of handies, hearing about how awesome Gomer is. How you can never bet against No. 18 in the playoffs. Blah, blah, blah. At least the team will have to go to Pittsburgh the following week, so we can just see how good he is.

So Gomer gets his one win, once again going over Rex Ryan. Pick: Colts

Ravens at Chiefs: Thankfully they buried this game in the bosom of the 10 a.m. slot for us viewers out here on the West Coast. We can go out, enjoy a nice breakfast and return in time to watch one of those horrible 13-10 games that is not even really that close.

The Chiefs mailed in their Week 17 game, and the impending departure of offensive coordinator Charlie Weis only adds to the drama. The Chiefs are destined to fail.

Or are they? This seems like one of those games where a team is completely written off and everybody is expecting the Ravens to give the Patriots at a good battle in the AFC Divisional Playoffs. But people seem to forget that the Ravens offense sucks.

Like really bad. Wasn�t this supposed to be the year that Joe Flacco finally put it all together? The team finally gave him a receiver to throw to, Anquan Boldin, and what happened? Flacco would make a fine U.S. Marshall because he�s done a great job of making Boldin invisible this season. Flacco has found a way to make him disappear in front of 70,000 spectators each week. This guy is a genius.

And seriously, shouldn't NFL quarterbacks be more handsome?

Call this nothing more than a hunch, but the Chiefs win.

Packers at Eagles: America�s most charming NFL franchise going against one of the most revered quarterbacks in the NFL. Although, when Tucker Carlson starts calling you out, you are on the road to recovery, Michael Vick.

And did you see that recent apology on FOX News? Sean Hannity seemed like the sane one as Tucker was babbling nonsense. What a blow to the people who are still up-in-arms over Vick. Carlson is not the guy they want in the foxhole with him.

But here is the thing about the Packers. This is a team that I liked to win it all. Until everybody decided that they liked them to win it all. Or at least win the NFC championship. When the whole world backs a play like the Packers, that sends out a red light.

The screaming red light that � for most of us � would have flashed when one of our childhood buddies suggested that we should not only stage dog fights, but we should fund other dog fights in other states. Unfortunately, not everybody has that filter.

Still, and I hate to do it, but it�s tough to go against the Packers here. There is a nagging feeling that I am going to be sitting there, on my 10th Harp�s Lager on Sunday night saying, �You see, I knew I should not have picked the Packers.�

But I just don�t like Andy Reid in the playoffs. Not that Mike McCarthy is good at game-management. But he�s Vince Lombardi compared to the baffling decisions that Reid makes.

Begrudgingly, the pick is the Packers. And I will say this. A win, and they are going to the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers needs to get over that hump, and once he does, he will be unstoppable. Because the Packers defense is really that good. And Kurt Warner proved two years ago that you don�t need to run to get to the Super Bowl.

And finally �

How soon do you believe it is going to be before TMZ releases tapes of Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco � fueled on Red Bull/cranberry � leaving a profanity-laced tirade on Marvin Lewis that would make Charlie Sheen, Alec Baldwin and Mel Gibson chagrined?

Ochocinco certainly can�t get over the fact that coach Lewis threw called him mopey and �threw him under the bus,� telling Sporting News Radio that he is not sure if he could play for Marvin Lewis and the Bengals next year (via Sports Radio Interviews).

�I have nothing to say about that. I�m not the owner of the team. My hands are out of that situation. The only thing I can remember, as of right now, about Coach Lewis, is Coach Lewis throwing me under the bus. When it was time to play the Chargers, knowing that I was hurt. That�s the only thing I can remember at this point.

�I don�t know. Honestly, I don�t know. To say some of the things that have been said in the past, for some reason, when I was especially down. When you look for support, it�s always got to come from the one higher up. For the one higher up to say the things he said, it really hurt. I don�t see myself really feeling [that].�

Well, good news for you, Chad, nobody wants you back. Turns out those diva receivers aren�t exactly in high demand right now. The Bengals are doing well with Jordan Shipley and Jerome Simpson. I�m not sure if you saw that game you are referring to, but QB Carson Palmer had the game of his life and he looked much better than he had in years.

And what are you complaining about anyway? The Bengals have treated you right. Hopefully Ochocinco goes to the Colts next year, and Gomer can treat 85 the same way he treats WR Austin Collie.

The Weak Ender: Welcome Alyssa

Why Alyssa Milano? I'm locked in a fantasy championship with my good friend Mark D., and I hope this enough to stave off the fantasy gods for a championship. Mark is one of the smartest people I know, however, so who knows if this is going to work.

BTW, if this is your first trip to THN this week, I hate to take time away from our airing of grievances from Festivus. Make sure to check that out. In fact, stop reading this because this is all just filler.

I would like to question why Ohio State players have been suspended for 2011, but they do not have to miss this year's bowl game. Mark May got it right. If you look up hypocrisy in dictionary, you would find the letters NCAA.

Seriously, why are you at work today? Take some time off and go home. Merry Christmas to all. I promise you, 2011 is going to rock.

Jerks.

The Weak Ender: She's marrying who?

Let me see if this is correct. Jessica Simpson went from Tony Romo -- the quarterback of the Cowboys -- to some retired tight end who played for the Seahawks or 49ers or something.

That would be like going from Johnny Knoxville to Steve-O. Though, that may have happened.

But what an amazing fall from grace. She still looks good. She's still in movies? But this is a terrible rebound relationship for Jessica. Ben Roethlisberger would have been a better option.

And here is the kicker. She is engaged to the guy, and she bought the engagement ring. That's right, Jessica Simpson bought her own engagement ring.

Dude, that was the only reason why I never went out with her. Because I knew I would never be able to afford a wedding ring for her. I don't have 98 Degrees money. So I thought it would have been a lost cause.

And sure, I'm married, but still. I'm a little upset about this news.

Though, not as upset as having my fantasy kicker get me only zero points on Thursday night. That's a great way to start the fantasy week. I guess that is what I get for having Michael Vick last week.

And yes, I get it. I probably should not be using Vick. Poor Pappagorgio would be rolling in her grave, if her ashes were not on our mantle.

Fantasy football, however, is a business. Honestly, my two quarterbacks are Vick and Roethlisberger. Brett Favre even had a stint on my roster -- the Dog-killing rapists.

I am not proud of it, but if Vick continues to put up these fantasy numbers, I roll through the pound with him. If he needs me to pimp him a pitbull pup, like teenagers standing in front of the 7-11 looking to score some beers, I am all about it.

Let's make it happen.

WHAT ELSE is happening? How do you feel about these Friday night games that Boise State is playing? Chance to shine in front of some actual East Coast critics? Or does it make it look junior varsity?

I tend towards the former, because if you watch Boise State, you can tell it is a talented team. To say otherwise is intellectually dishonest.

Just as it would be dishonest to say that Boise State deserves to go to the national championship game undefeated teams from the Pac-10 and SEC.

And wouldn't you know it, LSU coach Les Miles is already trying to get his one-loss team into the mix. Nice try, douche. The Tigers need a lot of help if they want to reach the BCS title game.

THE RAIDERS and Steelers are renewing one of the bitterest rivalries in NFL history this week. Although Roethlisberger vs. Campbell is not exactly Bradshaw vs. Stabler.

However, the two teams played in one of the most controversial games ever. And if you will allow me, here are the six most memorable plays in NFL history.

6. Music City Miracle

Following the Bills� kickoff on the game�s final play, Titans WR Kevin Dyson takes a field-wide lateral from TE Frank Wycheck and races 75 yards to lift Tennessee over Buffalo in an AFC Wild Card Game. What made the outcome more delicious was that Bills coach Wade Phillips had benched QB Doug Flutie for the game after Rob Johnson performed well in a meaningless Week 17 contest that was played after their playoff slot had been determined. Phillips was seconds away from being justified for an unjust move. The Football Gods said otherwise.

5. Tyree�s catch in Super Bowl XLII

Talk about your desperation heaves. Giants QB Eli Manning fights through a number of defenders, launches the ball toward a little-known David Tyree, who pins it to his helmet while Patriots safety Rodney Harrison desperately tries to knock it away. This is what happens to Harrison when he tries to play by the rules. The play set up Plaxico Burress� winning touchdown reception to end the Patriots� bid for perfection.

4. The Holy Roller

The Raiders were once known (should that be past tense?) as rule breakers. But Stabler might not have broken the rules when he intentionally fumbled the ball forward against the Chargers, which allowed RB Pete Banaszak to knock it into the end zone so TE Dave Casper could fall on it for a touchdown. A rule was later added making this illegal.

3. Immaculate Reception

This might be hard for you youngsters to believe, but there was a time when the Steelers were a downtrodden franchise and the Raiders were among the NFL�s elite. But when Steelers RB Franco Harris caught a ball that had ricocheted off John �Frenchy� Fuqua�s hands via the Raiders� Jack Tatum and raced into the end zone, a dynasty was born.

The only thing that could have made this play more memorable would have been if the referee had buried his head into the replay booth for five minutes, if there were a replay rule at the time, and later emerged to explain that there was no conclusive evidence, and the play would stand.

2. The Hail Mary

The one and only. Cowboys QB Roger Staubach threw a 50-yard touchdown pass to WR Drew Pearson in the closing seconds of a 1975 NFC Divisional playoff game. After the game, Staubach referred to the pass as a �Hail Mary� and the legend was born. Vikings fans still say that Pearson pushed off and call it Holy (expletive).

1. The Tuck Rule

This game had everything you would want: a snow storm, in the playoffs, and the Raiders losing. Patriots QB Tom Brady appeared to have fumbled in the closing minutes to give Oakland the win. But the now-famous NFL Rule 3, Section 21, Article 2, Note 2 said otherwise. Brady went on to lead New England to the win and ultimately a Super Bowl win over St. Louis. Adam Vinatieri�s winning boot in the Super Bowl deserves an honorable mention here.

Also deserving votes: the Ghost to the Post, the Sea of Hands, and the fight between Rams and Raiders fans during a Week 11 game at Anaheim Stadium in 1994.

AND FINALLY ...

The Eagles win over the Redskins was the third-most lopsided score for a home team coming off a bye week.

The Weak Ender: The Redskins are working out who?

No, not her.

We have time for one more Chargers Girl, slutting it up for Halloween. Yeah, just Halloween. But if you would like to see more, go here.

THE REDSKINS openly criticized the conditioning of QB Donovan McNabb, probably best known for throwing up in the Super Bowl. And then they bring in JaMarcus Russell for a workout? Were the Redskins merely trying to make themselves feel better about McNabb.

Like hey look, we don't have the fattest quarterback in the league. It's close, mind you. But he's not the fattest.

THE COWBOYS are circling the drain as one of the worst teams in the NFL, with no realistic shot to compete. But when you team sucks, you have to find a way to entertain yourselves in other ways.

I am saying that it's almost safe for work.

WELL AT least Randy Moss will get a bye week this season.

The Titans have been awarded the enigmatic receiver via waivers. Though, sometimes you should be careful what you ask for � or in this case claim. Adding Moss to your team seems to have the same kind of impact as entering into wedlock with Charlie Sheen. Sure, it grabs headlines, and seems like a good idea. But eventually this is just going to end poorly.

Moss will not put up big, consistent numbers, as those days are apparently long gone. There is a chance Moss could have some value if he buys into what coach Jeff Fisher is selling. The Titans players lobbied for Fisher to claim Moss, so the troubled receiver should arrive in Tennessee with a good attitude. Well, as good as he will have until they roll out the Tennessee barbecue buffet in the locker room.

CRAZY PICK of the week ... I am going with the Lions over the Jets.

IS IT me or are the only people who care about the baseball ratings -- other than the networks -- the Yankees and Red Sox fans. Like a poor rating is validation for their lousy teams not making it to the World Series.

I enjoyed the World Series, and if you did too, great. But let's face it. Baseball is somewhat terrible on television. But if we get more games like the two-hour World Series games we were getting, baseball could get back into this thing.

Of course, FOX realized it missed out on tons of ad revenue that they made because A-Rod's typical at-bats lasted as long as According to Jim, but still, people want to carve out short windows to watch games. Entertaining games that end in under three hours is not a bad way to go.

SEPARATION SATURDAY in the WAC and Mountain West. Well, sorta. Boise State will still have to tackle Nevada eventually. But Hawaii will be tough. And to be honest, I am not sure that I want my Warriors to win. This is why having a tournament without automatic conference qualifiers is lame.

The winner of Utah vs. TCU is going to land in the BCS title game. I just feel it.

AND FINALLY ...

If you voted against Prop 19, you are an awful person.

The Weak Ender: Do Better Eliza

So Rick Fox is with Eliza Dushku? You know, she is still pretty hot. I believe she could totally hook up with somebody who is still playing for the Lakers, instead of embarrassing herself watching her washed up boyfriend on Dancing With the Stars.

THERE IS a classic scene in Pulp Fiction when Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames) tells Butch (Bruce Willis) that he �may feel a slight sting. That�s pride (expletive) with you. (Expletive) pride. Pride only hurts. It never helps.�

Somebody should tell Chargers general manager A.J. Smith and enigmatic WR Vincent Jackson.

A 1 p.m. deadline passed Wednesday, meaning that Jackson likely will not be traded this season, and there is speculation that Jackson will not play at all this year. And that is a bummer to some Chargers fans, who hopped that the Chargers were going to play their best players.

Smith certainly is stubborn, meaning it would be a great surprise if Jackson ever plays for the Chargers again. Malcom Floyd and Legedu Naanee looked like they could pick up the pieces well enough. Jackson could be dealt by the Oct. 19 deadline, but he would have to sit out three games, and even then, what kind of impact would he have?

Part of me kind of laughs at a player being hung out to dry like this. Yeah, it's not right, but it is kind of funny.

Jackson could have easily signed his tender, played and become a free-agent last season. But even Jackson realizes that he is a big dope, a DUI waiting to happen. So why sign a tender?

I really want to see what happens to Jackson after spending a year away from football. I kind of hope that the new collective bargaining agreement puts Jackson in the same position next year, forcing him to play for the league minimum or sit out a second year.

The players always say this is a business. But some guys just are not smart about it.

BOISE ST. is playing its last important game before the BCS championship game. Though, it would not be wise to sleep on Nevada. There was an interesting note in the Los Angeles Times on Thursday explaining that Boise State tries to get teams to do home-and-homes at Boise, but no teams outside of the Pac-10 are willing to do it.

So you will only have yourselves to blame when Boise reaches the BCS title game.

But where I am unclear, Boise State and TCU both can make the title game, right? Because if TCU is the only other undefeated team other than Boise St., then it certainly deserves that right.

HAS ANYBODY else noticed that USC keeps tumbling in the polls despite winning? Nice coaching hire. Looks like he is rubbing everybody the wrong way. Although if USC goes undefeated, it deserves to be in a bowl.

Oh wait, no it doesn't.


AND FINALLY ...

When does Carl Crawford get to Anaheim?

The Weak Ender: Reggie Loses Another Trophy

Saints RB Reggie Bush lost his trophy this week. The good news is Cowboys WR Austin Miles came forward to claim this trophy of his, too.

And don't worry, there is more coming. But if I don't have a picture of a hot chick up by 8 a.m., then Mark D. Esquire will jinx my fantasy football team again. So see you in a little bit.

The Weak Ender: Nice Try, Rachel Uchitel

Renowned Tiger Woods whore mistress Rachel Uchitel is trying to garner sympathy for being a home wrecker blaming 9/11 for putting her down the road to ruin (this is all coming out during her taping of Celebrity Rehab). But if that is the case, why did she fly a plane into Elin Nordegren's marriage?

Uchitel was so distraught by losing her finance in 9/11 that she had to hijack somebody else's marriage? Some how I am not following.

Now, this is not relieve Tiger of any of the blame, surely he deserves as much. But Rachel has no excuse for sleeping with another man's husband. Especially if she was one of 19 high-jackers, errr, home wreckers.

Because she is like the Mohammed Atta of mistresses.

Uchitel rolled up with a set of box cutters, highjacked Tiger's male member, and flew it into her twin lady parts. Blowing up Tiger's marriage.

Why should I feel sorry for her? She also helped ruin the marriage of that guy from Bones.

I have lost people in my life, but I never once thought, hey, I should go ruin somebody's marriage now. That is what awful people do. I just don't get it.

Although, if she really wants to break up a marriage, how about sleeping with Lane Kiffin? What an a-hole Kiffin is. Can you believe his halftime interview during the Hawaii game?

Normally I applaud coaches who speak their mind, but he was so dismissive of the Hawaii program. Hey Lane, the only reason -- and I mean the only reason -- you have the job you have now if because your dad is so awesome. Your dad pulled all of these strings to get you to your spot. And you want to look down your nose at another program?

That coaching staff with Monte Kiffin and the rest is way too good to let USC fail. So if Uchitel could bring her lady parts of death to the Kiffin household, that would be wonderful.

And then after she's done there, she could go down to Arizona and shack up with Matt Leinart. Not that Leinart needs any help with his unraveling career. But it would just be nice to see Leinart with a woman who is at least of age.

And bonus, too, Matt because Rachel is going through sober living, you will never be caught holding a beer bong for her. Because that would be pretty cool.

Speaking of terrorists, how come Al Queda has never got a suicide bomber to run through that Jersey Shore house? Listen, Al Queda will never win me over to its side, but I might pick up the Koran if it pulled that off. Just saying.

And Finally ...

College football should retire No. 42 in honor of Pat Tillman.

That was quite some transition, right?

But the NFL has pretty much distanced themselves from Tillman, so it would be nice for college football to take a stand and retire Tillman's number. I know if I was as college coach, I would take No. 42 out of circulation as a gesture towards Tillman and what I would hope that my young men would become.

The Weak Ender: So Long Leinart

I will admit this, there is no reason to for me to have this photo up here. None at all. Although I will say that Oliva Munn was forced to pull this photo off her website because I guess there was a copyright issue at GQ. So there you go, that sounds like a good reason to go with that here.

I wish I had more for you. I know WCT is going to accuse me of taking another "vacation." But the truth is that I am working a lot. If you want to find more of my writing, you can find it if you look really hard.

Other than that, enjoy the photo. The Super Bowl Buzz Kill is going into a fever pitch next week. I hope you stick around. Much love for you guys. I appreciate you stopping by. I wish I had more to say this week. I really do.

But real quick, how bummed is Matt Leinart right now? If Derek Anderson is the answer, I am not sure I want to know what the question is. Where is Jeff Garcia? He has to be a better option at this point, right? I don't understand how the Cardinals have not looked to him.

My guess, Leinart gets cut, and then the Cardinals find somebody else after other teams are forced to make a move. Otherwise, we could be starting the Matt Hall era.

The Weak Ender: Is This Broad Worth Six Figures?

Would you give up a six-figure contract to be with Kim Kardashian. Because that is what Cowboys WR Miles Austin is doing. Allegedly.

Terez Owens is reporting that Miles turned down Red Bull's six-figure offer because he was going to be shooting a commercial with Kardashian's ex-Reggie Bush.

That seems smart:

The Dallas Cowboys Miles Austin likes following in Reggie Bush�s footsteps..but apparently he won�t follow Reggie on his latest endorsement deal.Miles has turned down a six-figure endorsement deal with Red Bull..According to my source, the reason Miles said no to Red Bull is because Reggie Bush already has a contract with the energy drink company..Kim did not want Miles to walk down that path..I hope Kim is gonna pay him back..how the hell does a dude turn down six figures..truth be told, he would have never gotten the offer if he was dating Kim Kardashian..-TO

Well, Austin is the top receiver on the Cowboys. So it is not fair to say that he would not be receiving this deal without Kardashian. From what I hear, the Cowboys are rather high-profile.

Still Austin should have told this chick to pound sand. Seriously, pull out any issue of Playboy and Austin is frolicking with playmates. None of them carry the baggage of Kardashian.

If this is a ploy to ride the winning streak of the Kardasian sisters, well, you have to respect that. Otherwise this is kind of sad.

WE ARE coming to the point where the closest Terrell Owens will come to catching a pass from an NFL quarterback this year would be if he masqueraded as an Oak Grove High School student.

Owens removed himself from consideration by the Chiefs on Wednesday. Which assumes, of course, that the Chiefs had any interest in the enigmatic receiver. But a high-profile coach and a high-profile linebacker took their teams out of the running for Owens� services Thursday.

Panthers LB Jon Beason told NFL enthusiasts during his chat that there was �no way� that T.O. could play for Carolina.

�There�s no way T.O. could be a Panther,� Beason wrote. �Based on the fact that our ownership and coaches believe that the locker room is important and based on T.O.�s history, for whatever reason, he�s been a distraction in the locker room.�

That�s a pretty strong statement, considering Panthers WR Steve Smith once broke a teammate�s nose during a training-camp fight.

Earlier Thursday, Redskins coach Mike Shanahan made it very clear that he wouldn�t take a chance on T.O. That�s a real slap in the face, considering the Redskins are reinventing the �Over the Hill Gang� by signing a gaggle of veteran running backs, and they also have shown interest in Brian Westbrook.

The team even took on troubled Larry Johnson. How worthless are you as a person if Larry Johnson is a better alternative.

AND FINALLY ...

SOMEBODY IN America believes Brett Favre will retire this offseason.

Ha, ha. Just kidding. That�s crazy talk. Nobody believes that.

Favre will play for the Vikings in 2010. I don�t believe America has been this united on a subject since we unanimously agreed that the ending of The Sopranos was really lame.

The only thing certain in life, other than death and taxes, is that Favre will return to the NFL. Or at least we�ll keep talking about it.

But good lord, did you have to spend so much of the red carpet asking about Favre's return? Good lord.

And speaking of the ESPY's Seth Meyers' monologue was awesome. Not sure he will ever top Norm MacDonald's classic performance over a decade ago. I mean, when you tell Charles Woodson that your Heisman will live forever unless you kill your ex-wife and a waiter, nobody is touching that blast.

Meyers was really good.

The best part was that Deadspin was moaning that ESPN would never be daring (the ESPY's crushed 'The Decision') and the monologue would never be good (Meyers owned). But at least Deadspin admitted its mistake.

Yeah, right. You would be more likely to find somebody who believes that Favre is retiring before Deadspin would ever admit to being wrong.

The Weak Ender: Lil' Deiter's World Cup Buzz Kill

A famous coach once described soccer the following way: �The ball is round, the match lasts 90 minutes, and the Germans always win. And then they will invade your country AND CRUSH YOU!�

OK, I made the last part of that quote up, but you know it�s true. What? Hey in case you�re counting scores we�ve only lost 2 wars, including ZERO in the last 50 years, while you Yanks are 1 for your last 4. Your reputation has tuned into a joke faster than the Raiders� �Commitment to Excellence� banner.

What?

Anyway, the dope that owns this site wanted me to write another daily World Cup blog for this site, but my lederhosen are still in a bunch seeing as I haven�t been paid for my 2006 work. So screw that.

So instead I�ve ripped off the Super Bowl Buzz Kill idea that every other NFL site ripped off from THN last season. Except I�m making all my entries short and completely lacking analysis, so that this site�s boss can still have the room to bitch about the NBA refs.


Why Your Team Won�t Win the World Cup, Group A

South Africa: Your team is terrible and your fans� crappy horns will make the mute button the most used item on remote controls across the globe the next month.

Let�s just say that Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman won�t be filming a movie about this lousy team. 3 and out.

Mexico: Losing to the US at any point in the past 2 years disqualifies you as a contender. You lost 2-0 to the US in a qualifier, although a 5-0 beat down in the Gold Cup last summer redeemed things a little.

At least your fans will feel at home in South Africa�s violent slums.

Uruguay: Cool uniforms, lousy team. 3 and out. Nice headband, Forlan.

France: The cheese eating surrender monkeys will never win a Cup outside their smelly home country which we could take over again in a week if we wanted to. You heard me, Frenchies, WE WILL CRUSH YOU.

Also, too many Arsenal players accustomed to falling short are on this team, so no hope for them.

Why Your Team Won�t Win the World Cup, Group B

South Korea: One good rule of thumb - if your country cares more about short track speed skating than soccer, chances are you aren�t going to win the Big One. Sorry dog-eaters, crooked refs can�t save you this tourney like they did in 2002. 3 and out.

Greece: Thanks for screwing up the world economy last month, jerks. Karma is a bitch.

Argentina: Soccer�s version of Isaiah Thomas �coaches� this team. Always fun to watch a car crash in slow motion. Anything beyond the semi-finals isn�t going to happen without Cambiaso on the team.

Nigeria: If Lil Dieter can�t name 3 players on your team, your team isn�t going to win it all. I can name 2 players from Nigeria.

Why Your Team Won�t Win the World Cup, Group C

England: First off, Tiger Woods laughs at your former captain John Terry�s lame attempt at having affairs. That�s really the best your country can do? (If you are wonder who that broad is in the photo, look no further.)

Secondly, in 2002, after predictably losing to Brazil in the quarterfinals, I heard an English fan lament the loss, saying that �was the best team his country ever had.� My response was �any team with Emile Heskey on the field in a do-or-die match it is not your country�s best team.�

Eight years later, and that donkey Heskey is still on your team! Unbelievable. Have fun losing in the round of 16!

USA: Your best central defender hasn�t played a full game in 9 months, your best hope for having a strong central midfield (Maurice Edu) likely won�t see the field because he plays the same position as the coach�s son, and you fastest attacker nearly died last year and isn�t on the team. And Jonathan Borenstein is on the roster. Good luck with that.

Algeria: If Lil Dieter can�t name 3 players on your team, your team isn�t going to win it all. I can�t name one Algerian.

Slovenia: Is this really a country? Has anyone checked a map to confirm this?

Why Your Team Won�t Win the World Cup, Group D

Serbia: I think this team might be good enough to reach the final 8. Or maybe that�s Slovenia. I can�t be bothered to figure out the difference between the two countries.

Ghana: Michael Essien is one of the world�s best players. Too bad he�s hurt. 3 and out.

Germany WILL CRUSH YOU AND ALL THAT STAND BEFORE IT.

Other than hiring Tony Fundee as a goalkeeper coach last November, the German team has been a machine the past 2 years. Losing overrated prima donna Ballack last month will improve their camaraderie and only makes them stronger.

Australia: Losing to the US at any point in the past 2 years disqualifies you as a contender. Australia lost to the US 3-1 last week.


Why Your Team Won�t Win the World Cup, Group E

Netherlands: I don�t want to say the Dutch are sissies, but Robin Van Persie just tweaked a hamstring reading this line. Fun team to watch except for that greasy-haired jerk Dirk Kuyt, but good luck getting him, Van Persie, Robben and Snyder past the round of 8 without an ambulance driving onto the pitch.

Denmark: I don�t think Nicklas �pants on the ground� Bendtner and Ben Roethlisberger should ever be allowed to party together.

Japan: A predict a sneak attack against Cameroon on June 14, a strong early campaign, followed by an epic beat down at the hands of a superpower later in the tournament. What?

Cameroon: If Lil Dieter can�t name 3 players on your team, your team isn�t going to win it all. I can name one player from Cameroon.

Why Your Team Won�t Win the World Cup, Group F

Italy: Jesus, is this preview over yet? Anyway, if any team is going to repeat as champs anytime soon, it won�t be Italy. Creating, diving d-bags. The only reason Italy�s Inter Milan won everything on the club level this year is because genius coach Jose Mourinho wisely opted to play anyone other than Italians.

Paraguay: Striker Salvador Cabanas was shot in the head by an angry fan in January. As Andres Escobar can attest, South American fans used to wait until their team crashed out of the World Cup before they�d get shot. A sign of the times, I guess.

New Zealand: Who invited these no-talent clowns to the world�s best tournament? Go back home and eat some ice cream.

Slovakia: Seriously, you want me to differentiate between Slovakia, Serbia and Slovenia? C�mon. Not going to happen. Although Goodell�s more likely to put a new NFL franchise at one of those places before he gives L.A. a team.

Why Your Team Won�t Win the World Cup, Group G

Ivory Coast: Chelsea striker Didier Drogba appeared to be in a lot of pain last week when he broke his arm in a match, yet no one on the field appeared overly concerned at the time. That�ll happen when you�ve spent the past 5 years faking injuries over and over again. Karma�s a bitch, Didier.

Portugal: THN�s newest nickname: Cristiano Manning

Brazil: Even though they won 3-2, Brazil came close enough to losing to US in the Confederations Cup last year to not be considered a genuine contender.

North Korea: The first night game this country plays in will also be the first time their backwards-ass country� s players will have seen the light bulb in use. 3 and gone.

Why Your Team Won�t Win the World Cup, Group H

Honduras: Losing to the US at any point in the past 2 years disqualifies you as a contender. Honduras must�ve lost to the US five times in the past two years. Maybe the worst team in the tournament.

Chile: My god, this preview is longer and more painful than watching a WPS match. I can�t name anyone on this team, but they might be a surprise quarterfinalist.

Spain: The world�s �best� team lost 2-0 to the US last year. You�re no better than Honduras, Spain. And your midfielders are midgets who will break down at the hands off a stronger team later in the tourney. It is likely that Germany will be the ones TO CRUSH YOU.

Switzerland: Why hasn�t your country been annexed yet by my country? We will CRUSH YOU.

The Weak Ender: Lakers

Alright, I will have more latter, but I know that Dr. Doug, Reader Matt P. and Charlie Murphy won't start their day until they see some hottie.

I have some work to do, but promise to be back later. In the meantime, we lean on the comment section.

UPDATE:

Sorry for the delay. But before we get started, does anybody know who played Rue McClanahan's husband on Maude and Gary Coleman's father on Diff'rent Strokes?

Just asking.

GOING TO piggyback off The Hatriot's comment on a previous post, there is no reason to get too excited over the Lakers' win on Thursday night. Even with Phil Jackson's 47-0 record when his teams win Game 1.

The real key here is Game 2. The Lakers cannot allow the Cellbitch to return home with a split, and the potential to close the series out in Boston. This just cannot be done. But if the Lakers want to rebound and play defense they way they did on Thursday night, this becomes less of a concern. But you cannot expect Ray Allen to get into foul trouble every night.

I had some concerns about the Lakers coming into this series, based on what happened in the past. But the Lakers look more mature, and as a friend pointed out, the Lakersr know what they need to do to win. Ron Artest is annoying Paul Pierce who acts like a bully to smaller small forwards.

So far, so good though.

THE KURT Warner Machine was in Chiefs camp over the past couple of days. But before there is any hysteria from other football sites ready to claim this is an indication of the retired QB�s return to the NFL, let�s put it in context.

Warner was a guest of coach Todd Haley, as the two grew close during their tenure in Arizona. Haley, of course, was Warner�s offensive coordinator during the Cardinals� run to Super Bowl XLIII two seasons ago. So Warner was doing a solid for his friend, taking some time to speak to the Chiefs about what it takes to be great (via the team�s official site).

�I�m telling you Kurt Warner is as good as they come,� Haley said. �I�m not trying to embarrass him, but this is a special, special human being, and I think he�s been pretty well-represented. He�s the type of person that when you�re around, and I said this to a bunch of guys yesterday, he makes you a little better person and makes you a little more accountable for yourself.�

So watching practice, did Warner have a twinge to get out on the field? The quarterback told his Twitter followers absolutely not.

�Sat and watched a whole practice today and not one time did I want to get out there and play� would say I retired at the right time!� Warner wrote.

AND FINALLY ...

The Angels at .500? Believe it!

The Weak Ender: Nice Photos

Well it seems that Carrie Prejean was a year too early to the Miss USA pageant. Why are these photos even an issue for a beauty pageant that features a swimsuit competition?

Lambasting beauty pageant contests for appearing in sexy photos makes about as much sense as asking these women their thoughts on gay marriage.

We need more sexy-time photos, less talk about their thoughts on the growing deficit. More bathing suit competition, less thoughts on that oil spill and alternative fuels.

Why are you making this harder than it needs to be, people?

ANYBODY CATCH ESPN�s 30 for 30, Straight Outta LA? The movie project directed by Ice Cube about the link between the LA Raiders and NWA? To be honest, it was a little bit self-indulgent. But he did have a point at how the image of the Raiders was in concert with the early gangsta rap culture.

Of course, they had to take a shot at the Rams and Angels drawing in all of the white fans. Because Santa Ana and Anaheim have no Hispanic residents. Nor does neighboring Riverside and San Bernardino counties.

Overall, the film was interesting. But this one should have been stretched into two hours. There was not enough time devoted to the Raiders bilking of the City of Irwindale. The debacle of the Hollywood Park deal. The Raiders refused to go along with it because they did not want to share with another team. Which makes sense. But the LA Coliseum Commission did not get the scorn that they deserved.

The Rams did not move to Anaheim to mimic the white flight of Los Angeles residents to the suburbs. But rather, the Coliseum Commission drove the Rams out of town.

And you can say a lot of bad things about Al Davis and the Raiders. Starting with the idea of watching Davis on HD. But Davis was ahead of the game when it came to the important of luxury boxes. If the Coliseum Commission followed through on their promise to build them (you can still see the polls from where they are supposed to be), the Raiders would still be playing in Los Angeles. Davis was ahead of the game.

Think about it, Davis embraced the gang culture and wanted luxury boxes. This was smart. And his move to get a free $10 million from Irwindale was awesome. Sure, he put too much faith in JaMarcus Russell. But Davis did make a lot of smart moves.

FIND IT kind of funny that the AP allowed Brian Cushing to keep his defensive rookie of the year award, despite testing positive for a banned substance. Not steroids, but a banned substance.

Is he using steroids? Well, he does play in the NFL. That should answer your question right there. But seriously, all of the hand-wringing over this vote has been entertaining.

AM I the only one who does not care where LeBron James goes next season? Chicago, New York, Orlando ... honestly, who cares?

Oh, and the Cellbitch realizes that they are not in the finals yet, right? They still have to beat the Magic. And let's be honest, do you see that happening? No seriously, I am asking because I don't follow the Eastern Conference that much.

AND FINALLY ...

Swimsuits and slutty photos ... not athletic endeavors.

The Weak Ender: A Perfect Solution for Roethlisberger

Ben Roethlisberger, while looking for a way to rehabilitate his image, has announced that he will be playing in the U.S. Open. Ben just needs to make sure that he does not curse on the tee box, or else Jim Nantz is going to scold you for it.

But what is amusing is that many of those critical of Big Ben is that many feel that he should settle down and get married. How did that work out for Tiger Woods? I�ve long suggested he hook up with a Hollywood starlet. The kind of gal who would not mind getting it on in a bathroom.

So what is Lindsay Lohan up to these days?

Could you imagine a NFL version of Sid and Nancy? I think we need to find a way to hook these two up. They seem destined for each other. Is there any way to make this happen?

THE ZIP on Brett Favre�s passes may have dulled over the years, but his wit remains as sharp as ever.

Favre let his Vikings teammates know that he was thinking of them by sending all of the participants in the team�s offseason workouts a pair of Wrangler jeans, according to the Star Tribune.

�I need to break them in a little bit, they are kind of stiff,� punter Chris Kluwe joked.

Of course, the best way to loosen those jeans? Put your pants on the ground, pants on the ground. �

Hate on Favre if you will, this is damn funny. But some Vikings players have to be a little disappointed. While a pair of jeans are a nice touch, Favre also endorses TVs for Sears. Nothing says you love your teammates like a 46-inch flat screen in each locker. Now you almost expect to see new RB Darius Reynaud in a T-shirt that says, �I went to Vikings offseason workouts and all I got was a lousy pair of Wranglers.�

THE NHL playoffs started. And while I am disappointed that the Kings fell in overtime. If that game one was any indication, we are looking at a potentially great series. Go Kings, go!

GIANTS QB Eli Messiah is not too concerned with Osi Umenyiora�s recent proclamation that he will retire if he does not start for the Giants this season. The Messiah shrugged it off and told the New York Post that the problematic defensive end has �said some dumb things before.�

Could the FC be coming back to Los Angeles? Los Angeles Times columnist T.J. Simersconnects the dots and speculates that Stan Kroenke purchasing the remaining 60 percent of the team could signal that the team could be returning. I am waiting for my good friend Foo to nix this, but I am on Team T.J. with this one.

SORRY TO our dear friend, Diane. Your photo is coming.

THERE IS little doubt that the Jets have edged the Redskins to be crowned April�s champions. No team has had a better offseason than the Jets, who have acquired CB Antonio Cromartie, RB LaDainian Tomlinson and WR Santonio Holmes in the months following their loss to the Colts in the AFC Championship Game.

The Jets are also in the mix to add LB Jason Taylor in their quest to reach the Super Bowl. (Although, it can be argued that Cromartie and Tomlinson already played a big part in helping the Jets get to the AFC title game, as members of the Chargers. The duo are now just official members of the Jets now.)

But Pats NT Vince Wilfork told reporters this week that these games are one on the field. Or in New England's case, the video booth.

AND FINALLY ...

The Weak Ender: Before They Were Stars

I stumbled across one of those �soft-core� movies over the weekend and say, what I thought was a young Tera Patrick possibly making her skintastic debut. Of course, I had to watch the whole movie to see the credits. (Though the better half pointed out that I could have easily hit the �guide� button to see the cast. But where is the fun in that?)

I was startled to see that it was a young woman named Tera Hopkins (and a quick IMDB search shows that she was often credited under that name), in the early years of her career. I have to liken this find as being akin to catching Ken Griffey Jr. playing for the San Bernardino Spirit in 1989. One of those once-in-a-life-time occurrences that you can brag to your grandchildren about.

Of course, Tera Patrick and Ken Griffey Jr. are still active in their respective industries � barely � both a shadow of their former selves. Obviously the years of abuse have taken a toll on the respect bodies parts needed to play a position.

THERE SEEMS to be no shortage of opinions on embattled Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell. Most of those opinions are not favorable. Even when coming from his coach, Tom Cable.

Former Redskins QB Joe Theismann, however, took the Russell criticism to a level that would even make American Idol judge and noted sourpuss Simon Cowell blush. Theismann, while appearing on "Moving the Chains on Sirius NFL Radio" with hosts Tim Ryan and Pat Kirwan, said that the Raiders should make a deal for Jason Campbell.

Not necessarily because Campbell is so good, but because Russell is so bad.

"If I was the Oakland Raiders, I would be on the phone with (Redskins GM) Bruce Allen and see what kind of deal we could make for Jason Campbell," Theismann said. "Because I can tell you conclusively that JaMarcus Russell will never be able to play quarterback in the National Football League.

"He's 290 pounds. At 265 he's too big. He's inaccurate and he's too big. And he doesn't thrown the ball well.

"JaMarcus just doesn't get it. And to think that you take a strong-armed guy and you put him in Oakland and say that it's the old Oakland Raiders. Jason Campbell can do everything for you."

Wow, even a hug from Paula Abdul will not help you overcome a tongue-lashing like that.

FROM THE Oh No He Didn�t Department: Donovan McNabb�s dad compared his son to Jesus. "Absolutely, it meant something. We were celebrating Jesus' resurrection, right? Then we turn around and Donovan gets resurrected. Just perfect."

I wish I had something for you, I really do. But I�ve got nothing.

ARE THE feds going to be talking to Alex Rodriguez soon? Is there a way that the Yankees would have to forfeit the title seeing that A-Rod was likely cheating? And why was nobody listening when THN said thatRodriguez had gone Lattimer from the Program?

There is no shame for Rodriguez having to resort to cheating again. Listen, you could not handle the clutch. There is no crime there. A lot of people could not hack it, either. Of course, most people do not have A-Rod�s talent. But still. Baseball fans should not think poorly on Alex Rodriguez because he sucks in the clutch. Because really, when you consider all of the performance-enhancing drugs that he had to take, combined with a redesigned ballpark that would give him a lot of wind-aided home runs, the Yankees did not have to sacrifice that much to win another championship.

And really Joe Girardi? Switching to No. 28 to signify going for that 28th championship? Pretty hokey. Kind of funny if you are a small-market team going for these kind of goals.

WILL THE Angels ever admit that it's Mickey Hatcher's fault? Same crap, different years, different players. This is unbelievable.

AND FINALLY �
This was saved for the end so Diane�s head would not completely explode until the very last moment. Enjoy. For good measure, she somewhat gets a shot in at Erin Andrews which I found hilarious.

The Weak Ender: Is Laziness A Condition?

How many more made up diseases and syndromes can society take before we say enough. There is no sex addiction as Jesse James and Tiger Woods exert. It�s called being a man.

Most of us temper this by taking long showers in the morning. And if you still feel compelled to go out for a sausage biscuit and hash browns afterwards, knock yourself out.

And really, what part of sex addiction leads you to think face-tattooed broads are desirable? What part of this made up disease leads to the desire to don Nazi garb and take pictures mimicking the �Sieg Heil?�

Because I don�t have that part of the disease.

And I am against some other made-up diseases, too.

Restless leg syndrome? That�s a leg cramp, eat a banana.

And what about Aspergers syndrome? What are the basic symptoms of that? Lack of empathy. Poor posture. And a lack of eye contact. Congratulations, you are not sick. You are an a-hole. Or a teenager.

There is no syndrome. Maybe your parents did not go to your Little League games, or maybe you were the last picked for kickball. But you are not sick. Just socially awkward.

Any other fake diseases and syndromes that I am missing here?

(And if you need a smutty photo, drop down to the Elam story.)

CONGRATULATIONS TO the Eagles who have made me long for more Brett Favre news. Because the Donovan McNabb speculation has gone out of control. Especially when TMZ is reporting that McNabb does not want to go to Oakland.

Thanks TMZ, way to go for the scoop. McNabb does not want to play for the worst franchise in the NFL. Way to go out on a limb there. (And notice that TMZ's sources says that McNabb will veto a trade. Wrong, that's baseball jerks.)

The Eagles need to finally bring some closure to this whole mess. The relationship with McNabb seems to be fractured to the point where he cannot return in good conscious. Oakland might not start to look too bad if the Eagles keep jerking him around like this.

The Eagles do need to move forward. You can only lose in the playoffs so many times before making a huge move is necessary. The Eagles are in a similar spot as the Angels. You are good enough to get in the playoffs, but the current cast is not going to win the title.

The Eagles will never win a Super Bowl with McNabb. Sure, it seems wrong to say 'never' when both Manning idiots have Super Bowl rings. Let's just say that it looks highly unlikely at this point. And if the defense continues to slip in the wake of Jim Johnson's passing, the Eagles could be on a serious down cycle. Even though they always manage to be there.

NEW JETS RB LaDainian Tomlinson told reporters this week that the Chargers made a number of baffling moves that led to his downfall. The Chargers released Lorenzo Neal and replaced him with that white guy from LSU. The offensive line was in tatters -- especially with injuries to C Nick Hardwick. And the team became pass-first.

Not a lot to argue with there. The Jets have one of the best offensive lines in the league so we will get a chance to see just how far Tomlinson has fallen. The more I think about, the more a Curtis Martin-like rebound seems to be possible. I am not quiet ready to hand over the ball to Shonne Green because of his fresh legs in the playoffs.

DID ANYBODY notice the top stories on NFL.com over the last couple of days? Joey Porter was arrested in Bakersfield, Calif. The Ben Roethlisberger case is set to finally be delivered to the DA. Shaun Rodgers brought a loaded gun to the airport. Donte� Stallworth talked about killing a person.

This should be the biggest argument for having an 18-game season. These guys have too much time off in the preseason. Or at least get these guys to play in the Arena League or something. Idle hands, and all of that.

AND FINALLY ...

The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels retired from the WWF this week, in the most touching tribute for a retiring athlete from a fake sport since Michael Jordan retired from the NBA.

I am a big HBK guy. Hulk Hogan was the perfect wrestler to watch as a youngster, but HBK came around perfectly when I transformed from elementary school kid, to cock junior-high a-hole.

Michaels was simply the best worker ever. And if there were who were equal (like Bret Hart), the mostly lacked in charisma.

So I will miss Michaels and, as weird as it seems because we are talking about professional wrestling,HBK probably wrestled his last match.

The Weak Ender: Bush League

Bad Reggie. The famed Saints running back has reportedly broken up with Kim Kardashian, citing her hectic, celebrity-driven lifestyle as the reason why.

Boy is Reggie stupid.

This is exactly why you want to go out with a woman like this. Did Kim and her mother try to crash the NFL Network stage moments after the Saints won the Super Bowl? Sure. Is Reggie being investigated for sexual assault or having paternity suits pile up? Of course not.

This goes to what we were talking about last week, always go the celebrity route when looking for WAGs. Compare Reggie�s career with college teammate Matt Leinart.

Reggie appeared on a reality TV show, had a somewhat questionable photo shoot in GQ and won a Super Bowl. Leinart knocked up a USC hoops player, was photographed handing out beer bongs to under-aged chicks and watched as Kurt Warner nearly led his team to a Super Bowl title.

But unlike Kardashian, Leinart did get on the platform after his team won the NFC championship.

And remember this, Leinart was actually doing alright for himself when he was chasing gals such as Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson's friend. He might have come across like a d-bag, but it was not until he started chasing jail bate and college-age chicks that he had incriminating photos and a baby out of wedlock. You would think that a guy who works out with Tom Brady -- another smart guy -- would know better.

Reggie had better have a �Plan B� for what he is going to do now. He was insulated in this relationship, and it is just bad business. Hopefully we will not find him slumming through the bars on Bourbon Street.

SAINTS OWNER Tom Benson had some interesting words about former St. Louis FC owner, Georgia Frontandrearie. While Benson did not come right out and call her a murdering showgirl, he did label the whore as an absentee owner.

"St. Louis for a while there had absentee ownership and didn't (participate)," Benson said, referring to late owner Georgia Frontiere. "Years ago, they did participate pretty good."

And that was on the record. Ouch. And realize that the only reason she �participated� in the 1990s was because of Warner. St. Louis FC was a Rodney Harrison-tackle away from never ever making a Super Bowl, let alone winning one.

EAGLES QB Donovan McNabb is quickly becoming the fat chick that nobody wants to take home from the bar. Just as soon as teams were rumored to be seeking McNabb, they quickly came out and rebuked their interest. The St. Louis FC and the Cardinals quickly denied that they were in the running for McNabb. Pretty quickly.

St. Louis FC has Carrie Prejean�s fianc�e as its top quarterback at the moment (though it could easily take Sam Bradford with the No. 1 overall pick.)

The Cardinals have Leinart and Derek Anderson.

When you are being passed over for Leinart and Anderson, that should tell you something about your value in the NFL.

Apparently you can only lose so many NFC Championship Games before people � and teams evidentially � tired of your act. The only viable candidates for McNabb now appear to be the Bills and Raiders. Yes, the McNabb apologists have long said that McNabb wins without a talented offense around him. Let�s see how good he will be in NFL�s Siberia and Alcatraz.

Seriously, though. McNabb is just outside of being a Top 10 NFL quarterback, but surely somebody could use him. The Eagles should wait until training camp to see if somebody panics.

Personally, teams are probably scared off by that stupid dance that McNabb performed prior to the Eagles getting run out of the playoffs in Dallas.

And to be totally honest, we all want to see McNabb and Terrell Owens rejoined in Oakland, right?

ANOTHER CRAZY night of hoops. Syracuse, gone. Does anybody have a winnable bracket right now? Because Kentucky is going to get careless before the Final Four. They just have to, right? Xavier was looking strong. The only thing left to do is root against Dook.

And why does ESPN's Sport Dork Bill Simpson hate Dook? Because Dook seems like the kind of team that Simpson would root for. Think about it, Dook is white, with a sense of entitlement. But neither the Sports Dork nor Dook is as good as many would lead us to believe.

AND FINALLY ...

Former Cardinals kicker Bill Gramatica is a good sport, talking to the Arizona Republic about his ill-fated celebration in which he tore his ACL after making a kick. �My jump was excellent,� Gramatica said. �It was my landing I needed to work on. It was funny. It was part of my career. I talk about it all the time. You have to laugh about it.�

The Weak Ender: THN's Dating Service

Athletes, as a rule, are pretty dumb. And we are not talking about Tim Tebow scoring a 22 on the Wonderlic test (which translates to a 104 IQ, not bad for somebody who graduated from what DJ Gallo called the Tebow Prep School).

But just look at the news over the past week. Ben Roethlisberger raped a chick. Jonny Loquasto talked about all of the professional athletes siring kids out of wedlock in his hilarious THN debut. And it got me thinking, we need some sort of NFL escort service to keep these numb skulls out of trouble.

Why are NFL players dating townies and other broads which can only lead to trouble? These women obviously want something from these guys, so why bother with the general population. Your best chance is to marry your high school sweetheart while you are still at some curtain-jerking MAC school. Or better yet, go for a celebrity.

Tony Romo, for all of his bad decisions on the field, was pretty smart to go after Jessica Simpson. She obviously did not want a baby, because it would derail her career as a hot, sexy starlet. And if he did, Simpson likely makes more money than him anyway.

Jason Sehorn obviously married up when he went with Angie Harmon. (Which still burns me.)

So if Roethlisberger likes these college-age chicks, how about a little hottie like Emma Stone?

The Hater Nation could make a pretty good sum of money, hooking up athletes with actresses on a dating Web site. And that does not even factor in all of the gay football players who could find an easy beard.

Why am I giving away this idea for free in The Weak Ender? Hopefully Lenny Dykstra does not try to steal this.

THERE WAS a big pillow fight between former ESPN employee Keith Olbermann and the Sports Dork, Bill Simpson. The Sports Dork made some sort of ill-advised remark about Tiger Woods' potential comeback, ignorantly saying it would be tougher than what Ali went through after he skipped the Vietnam War.

But if Olbermann made a comment every time that the Dork said something, he would not have enough time to do his own show. And in this war of words, Olbermann clearly outclassed Simpson, who showed that he was illequipped to engage in any sort of meaningful discussion that involved any sort of original thought outside of regurgitating Karate Kid quotes.

The Sports Dork has always been shown to be somewhat of a buffoon, who rarely writes while thinking and whose social commentary has been retarded by excessive 90210 rerun viewings.

This obviously will do nothing to stall Simpson's popularity with the morons who read his ESPN columns and download his podcasts, but it was nice to see him eviscerated by somebody who carries some media clout and credibility. So while I do not always agree with Olbermann, I found myself cheering him on this week.

THE BROWNS quarterback situation is so bad, Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhommme seem like viable solutions. At least while Brady Quinn is watching his NFL career vanish, he can do it without all of the glare of the cameras that caught his embarrassment during the NFL Draft.

And who would have thought that Quinn's draft tumble would end up being the highlight of his career. I hope he saved his money wisely.

THERE IS a market for RB LaDainian Tomlinson after all. LT could be playing in Minnesota, where he left negotiations with a Vikings jersey. Now, I love LT, I know that he has fallen out of favor with causal NFL fans for some reason. That means the Vikings could end up being the most hated team in the NFL. Although they already were if you were a fan of the Los Angeles Rams in the 1970s.

But it seems fitting if Tomlinson signs with the Jets, the team that ruined one of th Chargers' best chances to reach the Super Bowl.

THE BENGALS made the right football move by going with WR Antonio Bryant. But he deprived us of having Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco on the same team. And that kind of sucks.

But there are reports that T.O. could be heading to the Raiders, and we as a football society deserve this. We really do. But the Raiders are hemorrhaging money, so do not expect this to happen. Watch, Owens will end up playing for damn near free in Jacksonville.

WHY IS Torii Hunter being given so much grief for his comments about Latin players? Seriously, you are not going to run him off, or paint him as some racist. He was correct, African Americans are more drawn towards basketball and football. Latin players play for less money. Who does not see this? Try to find a controversy someplace else.

AND FINALLY ...

Cal State Fullerton's Gerard Anderson makes some Northridge player look French. Seems fitting that a player from the Valley is getting a chance to jump start his porn career.