No Pain, No Bain

Greetings, Hater Nation! I am Conrad Bain and I haven't really been invited to blog for you today. But I'm going to do so anyway, as there's something that has me in a bit of a lather.

I've never rooted for a Texas team in my life. I have more respect for people who pimp their children for Robitussin than for fans in the land of belt buckle fetishists and 16-ounce beer cans. The closest I've ever come to cheering for anyone in a Texas sports uniform was last year at the Lake Tahoe ski resort, where I watched from the chairlift as some arm-flapping fool in a Cowboys Starter jacket skied face-first into a lodgepole pine. I applauded, as did every tasteful person on the lift.

That being said, if I have to pick a team to cheer for in the Rose Bowl -- and let me state clearly that I couldn't care any less about anything, ever, in the world, than I do about the Rose Bowl -- I'm going to cheer for Texas. I know they don't have a chance in hell of beating USC, but if they do it, if they somehow pull it off, I'll raise my glass and drink just as soon as the laughter subsides.

I'm in Aspen now, enjoying the holidays at my mansion with the lovely Rula Lenska. I'll probably be skiing or otherwise occupied while the Rose Bowl is on. But if my assistant informs me that Texas is winning at halftime, I may very well rack my boards for the day so as not to miss the possibility of seeing USC and their clown fans take one in the face.

I hate USC, and it has nothing to do with them being good or even anything to do with the team. Matt Leonard, Ritchie Bush... I couldn't name three USC players if you put a gun to my head. I couldn't find the campus if I was a block away. I couldn't care less about any group of football players than I do about the Trojans.

No, what I hate is the f-ing bandwagon fans. The USC bandwagon is absolutely, utterly obnoxious. I've been across the country during the past two weeks -- from the coast of Maine to Catalina Island -- and every Fair Weather Freddy sports loudmouth in every airport bar from one coast to the other is suddenly a "die-hard USC fan".

Player hater, you say? No. Fan hater. And there is no group of fans more hateable than the extended family of smug and sickening gravytrainers currently bouncing down the NCAA highway in their red and yellow bus. About one tenth of one percent of these homers even lives in California; an even more minuscule percentage actually went to USC. The rest have climbed aboard for reasons only Freud could explain, doing things with their mouths that would embarrass a Bangkok pimp. One thing is clear: not a single f-ing one of them deserves to drag his soggy bread through another drop of Trojan gravy.

I hope USC loses just so I can laugh like a fool when their red and yellow clown wagon rips through the guardrail with screaming, burning bodies of Trojan-Come-Latelys falling out the back, plummeting to their exquisite, flaming doom.

And if USC wins? Who the hell cares? No skin off my behind when a Texas team gets hosed.

That is my assessment. If you disagree with it (and I can't imagine anyone could), you may join the millions of hourly visitors that log into The Conrad Bain Fan Club and see if you have what it takes to face The Bain.

Some Are Exposed in Week 17

You know it was an ugly week for the NFL when Jake Delhomme�s bare butt was the highlight of the weekend.

Congratulations to the Houston Texans. There was a team that set a goal and did whatever it took to accomplish that said goal. And the injury to David Carr didn't look fishy at all. It was as believable as Rodney Dangerfield�s arm injury in Caddy Shack. The only problem for San Francisco, was that Houston did not have Danny Noonan as a backup quarterback, but Tony Banks.

Reggie Bush was fitted for a Texans cap the second Banks took the field. Fittingly, Banks threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown faster than Houston fans could chant, �Re-ggie, Re-ggie.� You could not script it better for the Texans.

And speaking of scripts, how did Josh McCown not get into the end zone? It was as if the Colts had a ghost stopping the Cardinals quarterback at the line like Kadeem Hardison in the movie, The Sixth Man.

What, too soon?

Once that play went to review, you knew the Birds were cooked. There was no way the NFL was going to let the Birds beat the Colts in Indy. No way. So even though the replay was inconclusive, the referees overturned the call. Just the way the NFL wrote it out in their treatment.

While we are still on movies, what was the ESPN crew doing, pitching Weekend at Summerals? Wow. It is hard to find somebody that makes Al Davis look vibrant.

But the worst acting performance of the day was New England who pretty much conceded its game to the Dolphins. Having Doug Flutie execute a flawless drop-kick not only was a classy move for the retiring quarterback, but it also sent a pretty clear message to the Colts. The Patriots showed that the regular season doesn�t mean much and the defending champions are gunning for Peyton Manning. That match-up, however, will have to wait because the Steelers are going to win in Cincinnati this week.

And good God, Atlanta. Way to just quit on the season. Could you imagine paying money to see your team play like that? The Falcons looked like the final version of the Rams before the team folded in 1994. But you can almost tell that Jim Mora is one of those cool guys that would not put out a huge effort in a meaningless game. He looks like the kind of guy that would just want to sit there and pout instead of showing some integrity on the field. The Falcons, who started a pregame fight earlier this season, are starting to emerge as the new punks of the NFL.

UNEMPLOYMENT LINE IS GROWING

Dom Capers, who did such a masterful job of getting in position to draft Bush, will not get a chance to coach him. Capers came to Houston with a reputation of building expansion teams. But he will land another head coaching job when an owner wants to ensure the top pick in the draft.

Mike Tice's departure was inevitable. I don�t want to say that Tice's Vikings were out of control. But we will say that his honeymoon with new bride, Lyndie England should at least provide some interesting photo opportunities. It is not know if Tice had already been given his allotment of Super Bowl tickets, meaning we need a new hook-up.

Mike Sherman never stood a chance. Brett Favre has hinted that he would not return to the Packers if Sherman were fired. Not exactly a rining endorsement. Favre now knows how the Packers organization feels about him. Look for the Cardinals to hire Sherman as an offensive coordinator and Favre to join him in Arizona. That would sell tickets in the new stadium.

The Saints did Jim Haslett a favor. Matt Leinart, who could be the second pick in the NFL Draft, now has a chance.

Mike Martz was officially let go, inching him one step closer to Oakland. Of course, Norv Turner has avoided the firing squad so far, making it one of the most inexplicable moves of the season. But as we have advocated months ago, Martz to the Raiders is not only the best move possible, but it seems inevitable at this point.

Lil' Hater: Giants Still Suck, Fix Still In

NEW YORK Officials with the National Football League today confirmed that NBA referees Bennett Salvatore and Dick Bavetta, in an exchange program, will be reffing the New York Giant's home playoff game next weekend.

The move was made to ensure another undeserved victory for the mediocre Giants, who were handed the NFC East title last night by the refs in their game against Oakland. Salvatore will work the field at the Meadowlands game, while Bavetta will handle replay duties, Lil' Hater has learned.

Salvatore and "Knick" Bavetta are well-known for their ability to guarantee victories for home teams (particularly New York teams) in the NBA that face a must-win playoff situation, and NFL officials believe their skill will translate well to the gridiron. Their inevitable involvement in these must-win NBA home games has even become a running joke in the Sports Dork's website, we understand from our sources.

"We've already got the 'First Round Playoff Winners' T-shirts and hats made up for the Giants, so we want to make sure that no stones go unturned in guaranteeing another win for a team in the media capital of the world," said an NFL official who requested anonymity.

Salvatore and Bavetta's hirings are just the latest step in the NFL's attempt to give the season to the Giants, who will be playing their 13th home game of the year next weekend.

The Oakland game featured the league's latest shenanigans, as an obvious 4th quarter touchdown sneak by QB Kerry Collins on 4th down was denied by both the field judge and replay booth.

All 433 Raider fans � allegedly the best, most loyal set of NFL fans in the league, according to them � that attended the game howled in protest in the call, to no avail. But hey, do not take this as an endorsement of the Raiders or an attempt to give the team any credit. The game should have been halted after that pass-interference call to allow fans to bet on the "There is no way the Raiders score here" line. You knew the Raiders were going to wrap its season with a huge play-calling blunder

"Yeah, it was a really, really weak call on the ref�s part, but let's not kid ourselves, the Raiders weren't going to score again anyway," added the unnamed official. "Look at the four plays that 'Play-Calling Genius' Norv Turner called from the one-yard line: Run up the middle, run up the middle, time out, run up the middle, time out, QB sneak up the middle. Jesus."

Who was calling these plays, Gregg Easterbrook?

All four plays were run without Randy Moss on the field, who with two TD catches that game would have forced the Giants to at least respect the potential of a pass, making it easier to sneak a run into the end zone.

"But Norv, to his credit, used the last big series of his coaching career to hammer home the point that he always, always ignores his best offensive player when clutch time comes around," the NFL official said. "He made our job at fixing the game much easier; we were ready to call a holding penalty if they lucked their way into a touchdown."

Complain about it in the Hater Nation Forums. It should be noted that Lil' Hater does not like doing these plugs. Lil' Hater also would like to note he is available for children's parties this offseason.