Bada-Bing, bang, boom

'Scuse me while I poke my head out of the back room at Satriale's for a few minutes to talk about TV shows that don't involve leggy psychiatrists, septuagenarian men called Junior or fatty Italian meats.

In an attempt to stave off my nightly "Sopranos" dreams -- which, seriously, are at least as strange as Tony riding a horse into the living room or Pussy turning into a talking fish -- I've tried closing out each of the last few nights with other shows. It hasn't really worked, but at least I got to stay current on a few of this week's shows. From most recent on backwards...

"Lost": A big improvement over the last one, which I shredded here a few weeks ago. Mystery revelations that were actually useful, like the knowledge that Zeke and his bunch are, in fact, part of the same group as Ethan, and the reason they looked so much grubbier and trashy is because of costumes and fake beards. Plus, this was the first time I can remember where all of the flashbacks were to events on the island itself, and it's about damn time for that, since I'm running out of patience with Jack hospital drama stories. And Eko continues to be the coolest guy on the island with his response to Locke's warning not to tell the prisoner what the alarm is for ("What is it for?"). Plus, Julia had Roseola once, and while Marian and I didn't go tromping through the jungle to find a cure, I think it's fair to say we overreacted by about 17 degrees.

"Scrubs": I'm glad the weekly double-shot is coming to an end, because I've noticed that one of the episodes each week tends to be much better than the other, and if they aired a week apart I wouldn't notice the dip in quality as much. Loved the first episode, especially the Cox/Janitor friendship that's been long overdue. ("Sometimes I just like to cut his bangs.") J.D.'s jealous hatred of Keith had already gotten old by the end of that one, however, so when it kept going for all of the second, I just got bored. Did like the use of the bird infection gag going from funny (The Todd smeared on the mouth, the front, the back and, probably, the taint) to tragic (the beloved patient getting infected by Cabbage), though.

This week's "Gilmore Girls" was, without a doubt, the Worst. Episode Ever. Rest assured that I would have been on the Internet within minutes to register my complaints if I hadn't been exhausted from the Soprano-athon. Okay, so maybe that's an overreaction. Any episode that has Sebastian Bach singing "Hollaback Girl" at a Bat Mitzvah, not to mention a line like "I'm expanding my definition of 'juice'" can be all bad. But I swear, during that endless scene with Rory and the bridesmaids, I just wanted to smash my head against some floor tile and have some guys chop me up and bury me in a field. (Sorry, that's "The Sopranos" talking.) And borrowing the "We were on a break" story angle from Ross and Rachel? Seriously? Seriously? I wanted to smash the TV then, and it hasn't improved with age. (Plus, the knowledge that Logan will be on the show next season doesn't even let me enjoy Rory dumping his ass, since I know it's temporary.) The story with Lorelai and Christopher's spoiled rotten daughter might have worked if it had led to a scene with her talking to Luke about his daughter, but instead it was just an example of Lorelai letting herself be a doormat again for her man-child baby daddy. Can we just have a spin-off about Hep Alien?

Finally, "How I Met Your Mother," in which I've finally thrown in the towel on caring about Ted and any of his women. This Barney-centric episode was so much funnier -- and more awesome, legendary, or whatever Barney adjective you want to use -- than the show usually is that I think there's no choice but to push Ted further and further into the background as we focus on Barney, Marshall and Lily (and, to a lesser extent, Robin). The Barney-as-Darth montage was especially cool, and I liked that the circa-'98 coffee house looked so much like Central Perk.

And now it's back to the Bing. At this point, I may have to table "Idol" until the actual finals begin.

Bish Moment of Zen

It�s time to check in with The Bish, our favorite columnist from the local paper. The Bish dons his lab coat and dispenses the science nearly every day for the local rag here in Orange County. But the Bish�s style has been outlined here at great lengths to show just how predictable his column has become. It�s like he�s writing a �Mad Libs� most days.

But there are those special days where the Bish just phones it in with the most unimaginative tripe ever put down on newsprint. It is his famous, �These are all opinions, but at least they are mine.� It�s like watching Showgirls on VH1 without all of the nudity. Witness the brilliance of the Bish.

The San Diego Chargers have waited all this time to get good again, and now it appears they'll let Drew Brees, their Pro Bowl quarterback, walk. The amazing thing is, people actually get paid to make decisions like this.

The amazing thing is that the Bish is paid six figures to produce content such as this. It�s as if he�s taunting bloggers everywhere, saying, �Look, I�m getting big jack to come up with this nonsense and I don�t even care enough to come up with an original point.�

It�s almost criminal. It�s as if the local paper�s legal department should be looking for a way to get out of the Bish�s contract instead of investigating small websites.

Discuss the great literary works of The Bish in the Hater Nation Forums. If it is good enough for Zach, then it is good enough for you.

Jessica Alba Nude!

Not really.

And that has the actress a little upset with Playboy. Alba refused to pose (clothed) for the cover of the March issue of the magazine, dedicated to the sexiest celebrities. (Something Playboy has done in the past.) Playboy instead used a publicity photo from the movie Into The Blue. Not very tactful, but it is legal. Heck, it might not be very legal, either. (We'll have to check with our legal expert, the sports editor for the local Orange County paper.)

So now both Alba and Columbia executives are upset at Playboy as it has done "immeasurable harm" to the actress. Alba's lawyers have demanded that Playboy cease with distribution of the magazine and provide the former Dark Angel star with a large "monetary settlement." Ah, so this is for the money... err... the "immeasurable harm." We can buy that. It's not like Alba is not trying to sell herself as a sex symbol. She would never appear in some sultry men's magazine.





Aright. But she is a serious actress. Everybody watched Sin City for the cinematography and the story.



But that was a one-time deal, she would never do a sequel. Okay. But Alba is really, really pissed. And Columbia, too � they likely wanted everybody to forget that they even financed the flop, Into The Blue. And the scrupulous studio will no way try to parlay this into bigger DVD sales.

No, the people who should be pissed are those who purchased the magazine figuring that Alba was going to pose. (Although the broad does not do nude scenes.) Who is sticking up for disillusioned young men (and some women) who spent the $5 in hopes of seeing Alba airbrushed? These are the people who should be in litigation with Playboy. Unless Alba and Columbia are going to repay these people, this case should be thrown out of court.

To read more about it go to The Smoking Gun. To talk about what a cool guys we are for posting this story, go to The Hater Nation Forums.