Lil' Dieter's Guide to the World Cup

Greetings from the Land of Chocolate!

My American, Hasselhoff-hating cousin, Lil' Hater, asked me to stop by and say a few words about the World Cup. As you may know, the planet's biggest sporting event starts Friday in my � as he said � "lederhosen-wearing, Sproket-dancing, metric-loving, no-good country." His words, not mine.

No problem, I said. If there's one thing a German knows, its soccer. Well that, and beer. And waging unprovoked, destructive wars against innocent countries.

So Americans, we can at least bond over two of those things! Let's see if can learn soccer together, too. Achtung!

Also, Lil' Hater mentioned that I should keep it simple, based on the appalling lack of knowledge about the Beautiful Game on the site, as evidenced by his boss� embarrassing attempt at 'humor' last month.

Nice try, Der Kommissar, but I'll take it from here. But you can keep on blogging about those all important college softball games and reality game shows geared towards women viewers. Not that there's anything wrong with liking those things. But let's just say that you made Dean Martin cry.

So, anyway, here are a couple bits of background info before Friday's first games, based on reader�s questions.

Question: Is it true that Frankfurt has a NFL Europe team?
Lil' Dieter: What a stupid question. The answer is yes.

Question: Would Frankfurt beat the Raiders?
Lil' Dieter: Another stupid question. Yes they would. And they'd cover the spread, too.

Question: I really, really hate the Raiders. Who should I root against at the World Cup?
Lil' Dieter: Mexico. Like the Raiders, Mexico's soccer team is known for two things: cheating, and choking. And yes, there may be some crossover in the fan bases.

Question: How would a stereotypical Raider/Mexico fan stack up against some of the world's more notorious soccer hooligans?
Lil' Dieter: They would be made to look (more) like dopes. English, Dutch, Turkish, and the up-and-coming Polish hooligans wouldn't even bother beating on a Raider fan. It would be like starting a fight with Scrappy-Doo. Why even bother.

Question: Which big-name coach at the World Cup has the best chance of pulling a Norv Turner, and losing in a truly embarrassing fashion?
Lil' Dieter: No one will be as bad as Norv, but keep an eye on France's coach, Raymond Domenech. Like Norv, he likes ignoring his best player (Arsenal striker Thierry Henry) by playing him in a central forward role he�s not suited for. Like Norv, he's already lost control of the team, by letting over-the-hill players like Zidane, Thuram, and Barthez return to the National Team and dictate the shape of the club. And like Norv, he's bound to be out-coached by someone who exploits France's lack of midfield width and speed.

Question: Was that actual analysis? WTF? Say something funny, bobblehead.
Lil' Dieter: Ok. Let's just say that in its dealings with Germany, France's isn't exactly known for its courage, or coming out on top. Expect the same in the World Cup.

Now, I hope that helps. And if not, just remember the old Germans saying: Shut Up, Or We Will Crush You! Whoops, I meant to say: Enjoy the Match!

Cue the happy endings!

Seems like a week for TV taunting. First there was that "Sopranos" finale, where the writers kept teasing viewers with the idea that something huge was about to happen, then made damn sure that it didn't. And then last night, the WB peppered the "Everwood" series finale with commercials for the CW -- a network where "Everwood" will be the only notable WB show that's absent. Ya think those ads are going to suddenly convince the "Everwood" fans that it's okay you killed their show? More after the jump...

As I said last week, I've never been a week-in, week-out "Everwood" obsessive, but I always enjoyed the show when I saw it, and Rhina Mimoun and company did right by both the fans and the casual viewers like me with the finale. While arguments could have been made for keeping any of Hannah/Bright, Nina/Andy and Amy/Ephram apart in a character-consistent way, there's something to be said for giving the people what they want. Yes, Jake has turned out to be a good guy, and yes, Steph was a much more normal, drama-free girlfriend than Amy, but the fans have invested four years in waiting for these people to get together. The only change I would have made was Hannah's college decision; much better if Hannah had decided to go to Notre Dame anyway and Bright found a way to attend a school not far from South Bend. (If Rudy could go to Holy Cross, why not Bright?) I know sometimes in life you make compromises to be with the one you love, but since we were going with the wish-fulfillment ending anyway, why not find a way for Hannah to have it all?

(Then again, wasn't the Amy/Ephram ending with the carousel the only thing specifically made with the end of the series in mind? If they had planned to go another season, they couldn't do it with Hannah and Bright in Indiana. While they could have done a second insert shot with a Notre Dame envelope, they would have also needed to shoot an alternate scene where Bright offers to go with her, and I don't know how much money they had to film extra material.)

Debra Mooney is always so damn good, and while the abandoned baby was melodramatic, it wasn't any more than most of the series (Marian hadn't watched since season one, so throughout the finale I had to explain things like Madison's baby to her, and out of context a lot of this sounds really soapy), and it provided Edna a reason to stick around and a purpose in life without Irv.

It's been four years, so I don't remember how definitive Brenda Strong's last appearance was (did Julia's ghost specifically say she was never coming back?), because it would have been nice to have her back to give Andy the seal of approval. I know he's not crazy anymore, but still. Plus, having known a number of widows and widowers who remarried, Andy's vow to never again visit Julia's grave rang very false; I think if Nina heard him say that she would have smacked him upside the head.

I'd say more, but I'm already running late, so let's take the rest to the comments. What did everybody else think?

Who Needs T.O.?

Certainly not the Eagles. Speculation on The Hater Nation a month ago was that the Eagles were in deep trouble at wide receiver. But an apology is in order because that has been proven wrong. Dead wrong. If anything, the Eagles will likely resemble the second coming of the early 1980s Air Coryell Chargers this season.

Sure, the Eagles have been flirting recently with Olympic sprinter Justin Gatlin about the possibility of joining the team as a receiver. And why not, the club selected Olympic freestyle skier Jeremy Bloom in the fifth round of this year's draft.

(Word to the wise boys, keep an eye on your Olympic medals with Jabar Gaffney around.)

Anybody around during the Ron Brown-era for the Los Angeles Rams knows that sprinters make absolutely seamless transitions into the NFL. Bullet Bob Hayes was a once in a lifetime kind of athlete. The best they could possibly hope for is a Renaldo Nehemiah situation� who incidentally is the Gatlin�s agent�where not even Joe Montana could help that guy.

Nice staff, Eagles. Philly is lucky that Eli Messiah is in the division or they would be looking at fourth place. But hey, at least T.O. won't be a distraction.