American Idol: Sweethearts dance

Now I remember why I didn't recap the "American Idol" semi-finals last year. Way too much chaff, not enough wheat. But since I sat through the whole damn thing and took notes, might as well go forward. Don't know if I'll have the same stamina tomorrow night. Song-by-song reviews after the jump...

Rudy Cardenas, "Free Ride": I like this song. It's one of my favorite tunes in "Dazed and Confused," it had a regular place in my workout mix back when I was still working out, and it has absolutely no business being performed on this show. It's not a singer's song at all, and Rudy tries desperately to dress it up as one with trills and "WOO!"s and bad dancing, and I'm not having it. Plus, he completely biffed the timing on the last line. Simon makes the first of what will be a running complaint about the dated nature of the songs, and he may want to have a chat with Nigel and Ken about that before '50s Week, you know?

Brandon Rogers, "Rock With You": Is it wrong that, 10 seconds into this song, I started conjuring memories of the "Hey Love Soul Classics" commercial in my head? (And if you're too young to appreciate the meaning of "No, my brother! You've got to get your own!," I pity you just a little, so go here, and thank Matt Hunter for finding the link.) I like the tone of Brandon's voice, but I actually felt this was too understated and safe even with the runs that Randy and Paula were complaining about.

Sundance Head, "Nights in White Satin": I was really impressed when I heard the song title, not so much with the performance of it. Fine technical singing, I suppose, but completely lifeless. Hey, at least he wasn't shouting.

Paul Kim, "Careless Whisper": You know the director was yelling at his cameramen to make sure one of them was trained on the stage floor for the "guilty feet ain't got no rhythm" line. Much like Ron Burgundy drinking milk in August, the falsetto was a bad choice. The fourth forgettable and/or bad performance in a row. They can't send everybody home, can they?

Chris Richardson, "I Don't Want to Be": I always love when Randy -- whose only alleged value as a judge is his knowledge of the music industry -- completely gets a fact wrong like thinking this was Edwin McCain. Very boy band and an average vocal, but at least he's the first guy of the night who knows how to work the stage, and he's the first to hold my interest. He'll be around a little while, I think.

Nick Pedro, "Now and Forever": You know why Simon was so much kinder to this one than Randy and Paula? Because one of the bands that's recorded this song is Westlife, one of Simon's earliest creations. Very pitchy, very boring. Next.

Blake Lewis, "Somewhere Only We Know": Because Randy has a pathological need for contestants to stay in their box -- or, in this case, in their beatbox -- he's already whining that Blake didn't do his very special thing here. Shut up, Randy. You're more useless than Paula. I'm not a big Keane fan, but like Simon I'm in favor of any picking a song that belongs in this century, and outside of some problems transitioning into and out of the falsetto, quite nice. I like Blake's personality, and he can sing as well as do his gimmick. Go him.

Sanjaya Malakar, "Knocks Me Off My Feet": You're really tempting fate giving Simon the kind of easy insult when you choose a song with "I don't want to bore you" in the chorus, and like everyone else, I was struggling to stay awake. Sweet kid, good tone to his voice, but I feel like I've seen him give this exact same performance 80,000 times already, and it's only week one of the semis.

Chris Sligh, "Typical": Going to the Mute Math well, eh? Well-played, sir. It plays to the fans who know you're a Christian rocker, and it plays to the people who like to be told who you are through on the nose lyrics (see Bo's version of "I Don't Want to Be" in season four), and, like Blake, it sounds like something you could actually hear on the radio right now. I don't know how much range Chris has, but if nothing else he works within his limitations like a more self-aware version of Taylor Hicks.

But then, then, then... we enter the gayest moment in the history of "American Idol," one so awkward and fraught with innuendo that I kept expecting Seacrest to pull a George Costanza, turn to Chris and say, "Do you hear the way he talks to me?" The bitchiness was so overwhelming that I'm not sure anyone even noticed Chris mildly talking back to Simon. To quote Simon, "You've made this very uncomfortable, Ryan." And so did you, Simon.

Jared Cotter, "Back to One": Helpful advice for all the future "Idol" contestants reading this blog (and I know there are oh so many of you): if you made it to the semi-finals with zero screentime, you can't afford to play it safe, especially not in the first week. The best part of this was the falsetto, but he didn't get to it until the very end of the 90-second arrangement, and the rest was utterly forgettable. Even though other people were quite a bit worse, I think he's going home, because people had no reason to vote for him before and he gave them no reason here.

A.J. Tabaldo, "All My Love": What does it say about the performance that, an hour later, the only thing I remember about it is the reaction shot of Paula dancing enthusiastically while Simon and Randy share the same appalled expression?

Phil Stacey, "I Could Not Ask For More": Struggles with the lower register at the start of the song, but he has good presence even while standing still and opens up nicely at the chorus. Best of the night, but that's damning with the faintest of praise.

Based on tonight, Phil, Blake and the two Chrises are the only ones I ever care about seeing again, and none of them screams winner to me. So, um, go women?

What did everybody else think?

Lil' Hater: Numbers Game

Can you explain, at all, why people are stating as gospel that Norv helped "improve" Alex Smith as a QB last year? Like he's the next Unitas or something? Smith threw fewer TDs than all but 5 professional football teams (and the Raiders) last year. 16 TDs, 16 picks -- that's worse than Favre. Most teams fire their offensive coordinator for that kind of season.

And he got to play against teams in the league's worst conference. The 49ers passing offense was terrible, esp. when you consider all the teams were trying to stop Gore and the running game. Yeah, he was better than in 2005, he went from awful to lousy. Whatever. Smith by and large has been a bust considering his high-draft status.

Hey, this moron thinks its a great idea to hire a "nice guy" as a head coach -- yeah, having a wuss with no spine on the sidelines; that'll help instill a culture of accountability and a fear of failure in the players ...not. Has a "nice guy" ever won the big one? I say no. (Dungy doesn't count, he's so intense he drove his kid to......never mind.)

Can't wait until some third-string receiver gives LT a cheap shot during practice and Nice Guy Norv does nothing about it. Again.

FUN WITH NUMBERS

Norv would have to go 24 and 4 just to match the record of Dave Wannstedt (universally derided as an two-time loser, over-his-head coach).

He has to go undefeated for 3.5 seasons to match Belichick's Cleveland-tainted record.

He has to go 53 and 1 to equal Coryell's record.

He has to go 35 and 1 to reach the majestic heights set by Tom Coughlin.

54 and 12 over the next four seasons? Still will have worse record than not-exactly Canton-bound Denny Green.

If he goes 15 and 1 for five straight seasons, he'll still be behind Joe Gibbs.

He has to go on a 29-17 tear in San Diego just to match the illustrious standard set by THN-trademarked Ted Marchibroda-line.

Suck on that, Elias.

Heroes: The Scott Scanlon Memorial Hour

"Heroes" spoilers coming up just as soon as I explain to my daughter that you don't have to cry over spilled milk...

Okay, so let's go through the checklist:

• Someone will fly. Abso-damn-lutely. Peter's escape from HRG and the Haitian was by far the coolest moment of the episode, if not the coolest thing on the show since Nathan went super-sonic over the Vegas skies. Wasn't even so much about the FX as the stakes and the realization that Peter has pulled an Obi-Wan and become more powerful than we could possibly imagine.
• Someone will die. Sure, though Simone only barely qualifies as a "someone" on this show. In that way, it reminded me of the season two "90210" episode where Scott Scanlon -- a character who was technically part of the first season cast but quickly phased out -- accidentally shot himself, which was preceded by ads boasting, "Tonight, they lose one of their own!" I've been ready for Simone to be gone for a long time now, so in that respect I'd much rather lose her than, say, Nathan, but Simone's been a non-entity for so long that her death would have been better left unhyped.

Peter growing into his abilities was the episode's highlight, but I also enjoyed Claire confronting her dad. Question: I know she's afraid of being seen as a freak, but given her desire to protect her mom, couldn't she have showed the doctor evidence of her healing powers to lend credence to the mind-wiping story? Also, nice timing to have Claire openly defying HRG just as three armed -- albeit well-intentioned -- gunmen break into their home and take them hostage.

Speaking of which, while Parkman remains useless on his own or with his wife, I liked him teaming up with Radioactive Man and our new arrival, Bluetooth Girl (feel free to invent your own wi-fi nickname). If we're still positing "Heroes" as the un-"Lost," here's a case where characters are actually getting together to pool information and actively seek answers, and bravo to that.

Boo, on the other hand, to Mohinder being a colossal imbecile. Even if he's somehow too dense to put two and two together with his travelling companion's brand-new migraines and the Sylar-induced death of a woman who was constantly getting migraines, he has to realize that Sylar is following him in some way. I don't know how many potential heroes are on The List, but the odds have to be microscopic on Mohinder and Sylar arriving at the exact same time in Bozeman, Montana to meet one of them. Nobody else has The List, as far as he knows, so he's just leading Sylar to these poor people. If I'm Mohinder, I go home and build myself a safe room and leave everyone else alone, you know?

Glad to see that Hiro's powers are still somewhat intact, though the trick with the bullet seemed more telekinesis than time-bending, and I'll miss Ando's presence as his sidekick. Those two had good chemistry, and I hope they didn't send him away just as an excuse to ditch the subtitles.

What did everybody else think?