Enjoy The Yankees Success

Is it too early to revel in the Yankees misfortune as they tumble into last place in the American League East? Absolutely not. Even though baseball only completed its first month, it is never too early to revel in the Yankees misery as they are now looking up at Tampa Bay in the standings. And there isn�t any help coming, either. The Yankees are rushing prospects to the majors in a desperate attempt to find anybody who can get an out, but it won�t happen this year. So it�s important to enjoy moments like this. Has there ever been a time in history when the Raiders were the worst team in football and the Yankees were in last place? Drink it all in. The only downside is the joy this brings to Red Sox fans, but nothing can bring down the PMA (Positive Mental Attitude).

Oh, and there is a new Last and Ten.

Heroes: Days of future past

"Heroes" spoilers coming up just as soon as I grow a soul patch...

Wow, wow, wow, wow. I think "Company Man" just got replaced as the best "Heroes" has to offer.

Of course, it's easier to pull out all the stops when you're doing the Alternate Dystopian Future storyline. On "Deep Space Nine," Sisko was never as interesting as when we saw him in the Mirror, Mirror universe and Avery Brooks got to smile. One of the few highlights of X-Men comics in the early '90s was the "Age of Apocalypse" storyline that liberated every title from the shackles of 30 years of continuity. By presenting different versions of our characters, the writers got to ignore what was weakest about many of them. Parkman's wife and son were in hiding and he seemed genuinely dangerous. Mohinder and Peter were too tired and bitter to be their usual pretentious selves. Nikki actually intereacted with other characters. (I think this is the first time she and Peter had a scene together.) DL and Micah were just plain dead.

But just because this type of episode is easier to make exciting than your average arc-bridging show doesn't in any way diminish the work done by writer Joe Pokaski, director Paul Edwards and the rest of the cast and crew. This one had the necessary epic feel. It looked bigger and was edited differently than the series usually is. This show has never gotten my pulse racing the way it did during the cross-cutting between Nathan/Sylar's speech, Hiro and Peter kicking ass in the lobby, Mohinder readying the syringe and Parkman and the SWAT team preparing to blow holy hell out of whoever came out of the elevator. Just a killer sequence.

Just as heart-pounding: the revelation that Nathan was really Sylar. I'm usually three steps ahead of these kinds of twists, and I didn't remotely see it coming, at least not until "Nathan" said that line about Candice (which I guess is the shapeshifting woman's name) helping him become president. I raised an eyebrow at that, and when "Nathan" suddenly froze Claire with telekinesis and her head began to bleed, I unleased a string of profanity the likes of which my TV room hasn't heard since Uncle Junior gutshot Tony Soprano.

And where last week's episode was uncomfortably close to the plot of "Watchmen" (Linderman's plan to unite the world through fear is a direct rip of Ozymandias's scheme, down to Manhattan as the target), this one borrowed the basic template of "Days of Future Past" (the great-granddaddy of superhero Alternate Dystopian Future stories), without swiping many of the details. (The lobby scene was more of a "Matrix" imitation than anything else was copying stuff that Wolverine and Storm did in that old story.)

The "Heroes" creative team has no doubt had to use certain characters' powers sparingly for budget reasons, but they've become very good at making a brief power demonstration seem much more impressive with the right set-up. Peter's rescue of Future Hiro and Ando from Parkman's clutches took less than a minute, I think, but because of the stakes, the surprise of Peter's arrival and the ease with which he used all his acquired powers, it felt wicked awesome. Ditto his showdown with Sylar, which took place almost entirely on the other side of a closed door, with only light flashes hinting that something really f'ed up was happening out in the hall.

Really, my only major complaint about the episode was the terrible actor they cast as Claire's fiance, and we only had to endure a couple of scenes with him before Parkman showed up to take her for her brain removal, so I don't care that much.

You guys are welcome to analyze the implications of everything the characters said to each other about what's happened in the last five years. I'm not going to wind myself up about it too much, if only because I believe so many of the details to change now that Hiro has come back. Again, following the "Days of Future Past" model, I don't expect Hiro's going to be able to make everything hunky-dory for his fellow, um, ability-havers, but things aren't going to go in exactly that direction, because then the writers would be locked into years worth of stories that the audience already knows the endings to, and that way lies the "Star Wars" prequels.

But a few other random thoughts:

• People keep asking if Ando is going to turn out to have a power. I prefer the idea that his "power" is helping to keep Hiro his familiar ebullient self, just like HRG's "power" is explaining how other character's abilities work.
• Just sticking with the whole time-travel thing, if Peter caused the explosion, then will Hiro killing Sylar stop anything? Isaac sure seemed to think so when he drew those pages he gave to the bike messenger last week.
• FX technology has come a long way when it comes to doubling up an actor in a scene. When Michael J. Fox played four or five different parts in "Back to the Future II," I remember being really conscious of every bit where he passed something to himself, but here Hiro and Future Hiro were crossing each other in the frame like Masi Oka had a secret twin they brought in for the occasion, Linda Hamilton-style. (Or, if you prefer, Jill Hennessy-style.)
  
• Bluetooth Girl! I had forgotten about her.
• Who knew Goldfrapp would still be big five years from now? Then again, most strip clubs play music that's years out of date. (Or so I've heard. You know. From other people.)
  

What did everybody else think?

The Post Mortem

What doesn�t make sense out of the whole NFL draft is why would Brady Quinn show up when he was told by the Cleveland Browns that they weren�t going to pick him? Because after watching what Aaron Rodgers, and to some extent Matt Leinart, previously went through, sitting on a fishing boat doesn't seem like a bad alternative.

So instead of being one of the top picks in the draft, Quinn was whisked away like he was Anne Frank, with the NFL hiding him in the attic. Guys opting not to be there could be a trend in the near future.

Of course, fans were upset that Quinn was not on camera. Not so much to see the anguish on his face, but to check out his girlfriend siting next to him.

Here are some notes from the draft. Sorry, THN is not equipped with a scrolling feature because that is probably the only way most of you can read right about now.

• Gene Washington tipped the Raiders move back to Southern California by calling the team the Los Angeles Raiders to start Sunday's round four. If there is ever an NFL team in LA again, it is going to be the Raiders.

• Keyshawn Johnson on commentary wasn�t brutal. But he was kind of amusing when he said that Dwayne Jarrett, �Reminds me of me.� Except that Keyshawn pointed out that he was much faster than Jarrett and that is why he went with the first overall pick. Is anybody else hoping that Jarrett beats out Key for a starting spot this year in Carolina?

• Quinn was thinking out loud about the teams that could possibly draft him as he was sliding, and he mentioned Kansas City. First-year starter Brodie Croyle was probably thrilled to hear that. But Quinn should have mentioned the New York Giants, who desperately need a starting quarterback.

• Did the Cowboys just not want to participate this year? They were like that guy that does his fantasy draft over the phone instead of in-person. You could just see Mrs. Jones brow-beating her husband to hurry up because they had lunch plans, so Jerry just traded all of his picks so he could run to the Corner Bakery. Not that you can blame them, the draft is too long. Especially when Greg Olsen was parading around in a Bears hat while the Chargers were still on the clock. They need to find a way to speed this thing up, even though it is free advertising. They could knock this thing out in a day.
  

• Randy Moss only worth a fourth-round pick? Unbelievable. Great move for the Patriots. The disgruntled one will make a huge impact on the Patriots. Brandon Meriweather was another great pick. Damn it, New England is going to be really good next year.

HEADLINES THREE YEARS FROM NOW

Heard this on the radio over the weekend and thought this would be a cool idea to steal. But here are the headlines you will be reading three years from now on this draft.

Chargers Still Smarting Over Passing on Jarrett, Smith. Still can�t believe that A.J. Smith passed on the USC receivers for some dude who was a second-team All-SEC guy. And why were people ignoring USC players anyway? Does Mike Williams mean that every player out of USC is going to be a bust?

Raiders Set to Draft Quarterback With First Pick. Something about JaMarcus Russell screams great talent, but a likely bust. The comparisons to Vince Young would be more apt if the Raiders had Norm Chow and Jeff Fisher.

Matt Millen Looking at Wide Receiver. Come on, that was obvious. But not as obvious as�

Bengals Leon Hall Arrested. You had to see that coming.

Raiders Lament Not Taking Thomas, Quinn. The Raiders could have pulled off the same thing the Browns did, ending up with the lineman they sorely need, and a quarterback. Quinn will likely have a better pro career than Russell.

Moving on�

• The Warriors/Mavericks series is great fun. But you have to imagine that Dallas will rally back the same way the Suns did against the Lakers last year. Still, a first-round upset of the best team in the league would make for some great theater. And Avery Johnson the Marty Schottenheimer of the NBA.

• The Angels should stay out of Chicago. Reggie Willits was called out for leaving too soon on a sacrifice fly (although TV evidence disputes that). But that is the kind of thing that happens when Kelvim Escobar pitches in Chicago.

AND FINALLY

Somebody should let Curt Schilling know that it makes him look more guilty when he protests too much. The best way to handle it would be to have taken the high road. But Schilling mistook that for �high horse.�

Sopranos Rewind: Chasing It

Spoilers for last night's "Sopranos":

And the inner circle draws tighter.

Each episode of this season has seen Tony driving a wedge between himself and a trusted ally -- first Bacala, then Chris, then Paulie and now Hesh, whose friendly $200,000 bridge loan last week turned ugly once Tony realized Hesh actually expected him to repay it.

We've had hints in recent episodes that Tony was gambling too much, but episode four, "Chasing It," has him in full-on Davey Scatino mode, losing big at every game he tries: horses, roulette, blackjack, football, everything short of jai alai or an Oscar pool.

The full thing is at NJ.com, but you can comment here.

Young doctors in love

Brief, belated "Scrubs" and "Grey's Anatomy" spoilers coming right up...

Uneven "Scrubs" episode. On the plus side: the sorority gal screaming gag (kind of a spoof of the super-breath sequence from "Superman II," I thought) was hilarious, as were Carla and Dr. Kelso's curtain calls for Cox ("'Quit being mean to my husband!'"). On the down side, Keri Russell thus far looks to be one of the show's less successful Hot Girls Can Be Funny, Too!!! guest stars (Tops: Heathers Graham and Locklear. Bottoms: Tara Reid. Insert "That assumes Tara is hot" joke here.), and I felt the JD/Elliott storyline didn't deal enough with how complicated this dynamic is because of their romantic history. We're clearly done with JD and Elliott as a couple, but but this is trickier than JD just being jealous his friend isn't as up for appletinis. Also, the Janitor ghost subplot was kind of a dud.

Meanwhile, I feel like my hatred toward's "Grey's Anatomy" has mellowed a bit now that I've vented so much on the blog and in print. Not that I liked this week's episode; just that I've gone from loathing to resigned ambivalence. At this point, I'm just waiting to see if the spin-off is any more watchable, though they had to really work overtime to free Addison of both her romantic prospects so she can head down to California. McSteamy playing the heel for her was a nice moment, and as it was proceeded by his half-hearted attempt to seduce Meredith, I didn't feel like they're softening him up too much. The Karev thing, on the other hand, felt forced, even if it was set up by the most meta humor this show has had in months. My head hurts more than usual by the amount of sledgehammer going on with the doctor/patient metaphors. As each patient was introduced, I turned to my wife and sarcastically explained the parallels, and there came a point where one of the cases (Penisfish Guy, I think) took me a good 30 seconds to elaborate on, since they found a way for it to parallel every single character on the show. Don't care about Meredith and McDreamy, don't care that they're pretending George will go work at another hospital when they're just going to contrive an excuse for him to stay here (or come back in three weeks), don't understand why Burke wouldn't just go with a simple chocolate cake. Dude, everybody likes chocolate cake. Everybody.

What did everybody else think?

Me TV

For those of you who get Comcast's CN8 channel and are dying to see me without a small child draped over my shoulders, I'll be appearing on the next installment of "One on One with Steve Adubato," scheduled to air Monday (April 30) at 5:30. I taped it a couple of weeks ago, so some of the comments are dated and/or wrong (I predicted Heather Mills wouldn't get tossed from "Dancing with the Stars" until people saw the leg fall off), but what can you do?

Shine sweet freedom...

Still haven't gotten to "Grey's," "Scrubs" or "Earl" yet (waiting to watch them with my wife), but I did waste a good chunk of yesterday afternoon re-watching "Running Scared" on one of my hi-def movie channels. No, not the Paul Walker "Running Scared." I'm talking the Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines "Running Scared," which I must have watched three dozen times on HBO in the late '80s.

I hadn't seen it in close to two decades (insert obligatory expression about aging and/or the flying of time here), and some of it still holds up very well: the ridiculous chemistry between Crystal and Hines (this may have been the only '80s buddy movie where the leads actually seemed like buddies), the banter with them and Joey Pants and Dan Hedaya, the car chase on the elevated train tracks. Hell, I'm not even that troubled by the notion of Billy Crystal as a hotshot cop who kills a dozen or so guys in the movie and recites dialogue like "If you hurt her, you'll never be dead enough" with a straight face.

But then, in the middle of the movie, comes the sequence where the angry police captain forces Hughes and Costanzo to take a vacation to Key West, and My. God. The clothes.

Was it actually considered cool in 1986 to wear a rainbow-pastel skintight tank top, tight red shorts and flaming red roller skates (as Crystal does at one point in the montage), or a baby blue belly shirt, similarly high-and-tight shorts and blue roller skates (as Hines does)? I had hoped to find YouTube evidence of this quintessentially '80s montage, but the best I could find was the music video for Michael McDonald's "Sweet Freedom," which features a few clips from the movie but is mostly Hines and Crystal in slightly less embarrassing clothes goofing around with McDonald. (There's also a clip splicing together several scenes about their bulletproof fake taxi, but that's not as much fun, plus it cuts Hines off in the middle of the punchline.)

So, several questions on this overcast Sunday:

• Anybody else have fond memories of this movie?
  
• What movies from your childhood contain some element (wardrobe, dialogue, adult themes you didn't recognize at the time) that's completely mortifying seen through adult eyes?
• Like Crystal as a badass cop, what other actors have surprised you by being convincing in a role to which they're so obviously unsuited?
  

And for you vulgarians, I leave you with an exchange between the two cops and a lab tech that was, unsurprisingly, 14-year-old Alan's most-quoted bit of dialogue from the movie (parents who read this blog with your children -- there are so many of you, I know -- please turn away at this time):

"This is real shit. This coke is pure shit."
"It's good shit, right?"
"I mean bad shit."
"Bad shit like, 'this shit is bad?'"
"It's shit shit. This shit isn't worth shit."

Blades of Glory

He's back, once again on loan from A Price Above Bip Roberts, this time with a look at the NHL's version of Will Ferrell and Jon Heder. Now, Libby (as we know him around the THN water cooler) didn't mention the change in color scheme for the Mighty Ducks this year. Because you would have to imagine that the old school Mighty Ducks jersey was the NHL jersey of choice on pride day.

Not that Libby would know because he was probably too busy hanging out with legions of women, because he was such a stud.

Hello, friends. So delighted you chose to join me again.

There are certain athletes that we always group together: Jordan and Pippen (I ignore the latter phases of both careers, because Jordan in blue and white was just a ghastly fashion and career choice, and Pippen in various shades of red never looked as good on his older, sagging frame), Duncan and Robinson, Biggio and Bagwell (the latter - so small, yet so strong!), Ray Ray (so manly!) and Ed Reed, etc.

Those combinations, though, are because the men in charge often had the good sense not to trade one of their cornerstones. There are other combinations in sports that result because, well, maybe one of the athletes harbors a distinct fascination for playing alongside - sharing a locker room, seats on the team bus, and even a hotel room - the other.

Think Cuttino Mobley and Steve Francis, for example. They found comfort in each other in Houston and Orlando, two cities as radically different as the redneck and aged populations that inhabit them. Frankly speaking, I'm sure Cuttino would love to cut and run from his current non-playoff-attending gig with the Clip Show for his secret lover's similar non-playoff-attending-and-even-farther-from-relevance gig in New York.

Still, basketball is an individual game, so the reliance on teammates for support is somewhat less, even in a busy, multiple-month travel schedule. A different type of game altogether is hockey, where teammmates travel all over hell and gone (sometimes literally - I mean, have you people been to Vancouver?) and often rely on each other through the grind of a long, hard, physical season.

Hockey's answer to Will and Grace, er, Cuttino and Steve: Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne.

The difference lies, of course, in ability. Selanne - a former kindergarten teacher (like Princess Diana! Ooh, the ravishing one!) and Kariya are two of the best scorers in recent NHL history. But... and this is a rather sizable but - they seem to thrive even more when in each other's company. Consider: from 1995 to 2001, when they overlapped in Anaheim (a second-rate city, I'd say; the martinis at some of the tiki bars near Disney are just horrific), Selanne topped 100 points twice ('97 and '99), and Kariya also did it twice ('96 and '99).

That '99 season, it stands to reason, probably consisted of a few awkward moments - we've all been there, let's be honest - such as a couple of elongated hugs in the hallway, a few sidelong glances on the first line as some stupid gimmick was transpiring in the stands, a harmless comment in the locker room about "loving Kariya," or a kiss blown in one direction after a perfectly placed pass, the interpretation of which (the kiss) was left to the imagination above all else.

This was, indeed, Kariya and Selanne circa the turn of the century. They reunited in 2003-2004 with the Avalanche; Selanne scored 16 times (well, on the ice, at least), and Kariya lit the red light (literally, of course - we're not talking figuratively just yet) 32 times. Selanne departed again, back to Anaheim, and Kariya eventually found his way to Nashville.

So now, as the playoffs march on, one continues with a chance at Lord Stanley, and the other sits at home, eliminated by his best friend's former squad, San Jose. They fight separate battles at this moment in time - the frozen moment, if you will - but they will always, and forever, be linked to each other. That's the power of the winter of '99, and the moments in California that two grown men, swift on ice and in body, will never forget.

The Office: I'll be you and you be me

Spoilers for "The Office" coming up just as soon as I sign Mindy Kaling to a recording contract...

Welcome to a shaggy dog episode of "The Office," one with a bunch of plots that never really go anywhere but have some amusing digressions along the way.

In particular, the main story of what to do about the pornographic watermark had no real resolution. Yes, Creed got poor Debbie Brown fired -- And at what point do the writers take his behavior too far? Or did they accomplish that last night? -- but all we really got was Pam's suggestion that this would blow over in a few weeks, followed by Michael recording the pointless apology video. (Bonus feature: skim down to the bullet points for a transcript of the one cue card we didn't hear Michael read. Ahh, the wonders of HDTV.) No problems with corporate (this would have been a fine excuse to include Jan, even if just on the phone), nothing about the article the Scranton Times columnist was going to write, nothing.

Now, this isn't a plot of great importance within the grand scheme of the show -- it's certainly no "What's Roy gonna do to Jim?" -- but too many of the branches of the story were set-up without pay-off. Kelly gets put in charge of the accountants and Angela proves to have difficulty with customer service, and... what? Andy's girlfriend turns out to be jailbait, and all that comes of it is Jim making a kind gesture by indulging Andy's a cappella jones.

Sure, there was some very funny material -- Kelly singing her own version of that Gwen Stefani bananas song, Jim-as-Dwight (and, especially, Dwight-as-Jim), the brief callback to "Threat Level Midnight" (Michael's spy screenplay) -- but "The Office" is usually more than a collection of random jokes, and that's all that "Product Recall" felt like.

Some other random thoughts:

• So, the transcript: "I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for the gas. Gas prices are high and I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign."
• I think I have to give Dwight-as-Jim the nod over Jim-as-Dwight. It wasn't as accurate, but it displayed a keen knowledge of Jim's camera-mugging ways.
  
• Ryan still hasn't made a sale.
• What exactly does Meredith do? She seemed to be the only staffer not involved in any way with the damage control.
• How cheap are calculator watches in Scranton? I can buy the shirt and the tie running Jim less than 7 bucks, but the watch (even if it was used) makes me question his accounting.
• "I need two men on this... That's what she said... NO TIME... But she did... NO TIME."
• Which was worse: Kelly's Bridget Jones impression or Kevin's Aussie accent?

What did everybody else think?

30 Rock: What's the upside?

Just FYI: Because I was at last night's disappointing Yankee game until late in the evening, the only Thursday show I've seen so far is "30 Rock," and I may not get to watch the others until tonight. Sorry. Donaghy-themed spoilers coming right up...

Ah, well. After all the recent Alec Baldwin unpleasantness in the press made me feel squickier than I usually do at celebrity gossip -- not to mention Alec telling the folks on "The View" in today's pre-taped episode that he wants to leave acting in general and "30 Rock" in particular to focus on parental rights -- I had hoped that the "30 Rock" season finale would be so funny as to make me forget about that stuff for a while. Instead, after a long streak of absolute brilliance, Fey and company closed out their first season with the flattest episode in a while.

Sure, there were definite moments of hilarity: Dr. Spaceman's sex book, "You're Doing It Wrong!" ("My techniques guarantee a male orgasm") and Spaceman's explanation for his bloody lab coat; Jack's mouth tasting like purple and his speech about regrets in life; Kenneth promising to get Tracy back to New York in time for his traditional pre-show rant ("I think this one's going to be about immigration!"); and Jack's mom using the EKG as a lie detector.

But a little of Sean Hayes doing his Kenneth impression in the middle of a "Misery" parody goes a long way, the tension over how to do the show without Tracy didn't really work (though the bit about the RoboCop impression would have been funnier if Liz or Pete had responded to it with, "What else have you got? Juliette Lewis?"), and Emily Mortimer wasn't used as well as in the previous two episodes (though I like Phoebe's vertigo compounding the hollow bones problem in bed).

So before we enter the real hiatus, two questions: 1)Does the voicemail thing in any way affect your appreciation of Baldwin as you watch him?; and 2)If Baldwin is insistent on leaving and NBC decides not to force him to honor his contract, can "30 Rock" survive without him? Is there any actor who could adequately replace him -- and would be willing to do a weekly TV show?

The Weak Ender

Are those what I think they are? Where do you get off having (breasts)?

Obviously Los Angeles Times columnist Mike Penner was a big fan of the Joyce Hyser-vehicle, Just One of the Guys. (And maybe Fletch should speak out on this, but how come Hilary Swank didn�t thank Hyser during her Oscar acceptance speech? But that�s for another time.) One does wonder if Penner was harassed by William Zabka in the cafeteria at the LA Times building. If not Zabka, maybe T.J. Simers running around in a pair of weight lifting gloves.

Not to make fun of Penner, because making an announcement like that takes a lot of balls. Which, incidentally, he is going to get rid of. But still, it is a little startling to pick up the sports section and read about a columnist under going a sex change. That�s more apt for a plot-line in Nip/Tuck, instead of sports page fodder.

ANYBODY FEEL A DRAFT?

Who is going to be the biggest bust in the draft? Wrong, the guy the Raiders draft will be the second biggest bust. Unless, of course, the Raiders select Calvin Johnson. Made a list of receivers who were first-round busts over at the FanHouse. The list isn�t pretty. The top receivers chosen in the draft from 2000-05 include Peter Warrick, David Terrell, Donte Stallworth, Charles Rogers, Larry Fitzgerald and Braylon Edwards. Outside of Fitzgerald, that group has dropped more balls than Mike Penner�s doctor. Drafting a receiver first is more risky than probably any other position. So it only makes sense that the Raiders are probably going to draft Johnson and let him become a brooding, underachiever under the tutelage of Randy Moss and Jerry Porter.

Brady Quinn would make a perfect Raiders quarterback, considering his propensity for losing to his rivals. He would fit in with the Raiders who haven�t beaten an AFC West opponent since Lane Kiffin was in high school. Oh wait, that was last year. But in all seriousness, Quinn gets a bad rap for losing to USC. Troy Aikman lost to USC every year, too, and he ended up doing pretty well. Don�t underestimate the importance of Quinn playing in a pro-style offense for two years.

Chargers running back Michael Turner will likely get dealt during the draft. But what NFL team would want to get fleeced by A.J. Smith again? Yeah, probably the Giants.

• No truth to the rumor that Penner really wants a spot in the band Poison?

• Tony Stewart likened NASCAR to professional wrestling. And then Jeff Gordon hit him over the head with a metal folding chair.

• Is anybody else keeping an eye on the Lakers series in the hopes that Kobe will drop 100 in a game?

THE LINKS

UCR does turn out some good people. Troy Percival is giving back.

Why does Fletch have to hate on Nic Cage?

What fictional sporting event would you want to attend?

The Sports Hernia unveils ESPN's Draft Guru.


AND FINALLY

The Yankees are rushing former Foothill star Phil Hughes up to the Major Leagues. Hey, the Angels evidentially have some pitching they are looking to unload. Not that the Yankees are going to trade Alex Rodriguez following his hot start for the Yankees, but he would be perfect for the Angels. Especially with the hot April starts, considering that the Angels don�t start playing seriously until well into the season.

Wave the Bloody Sock

Baltimore Orioles broadcaster Gary Thorne called into question Ulysses S. Grant's Curt Schilling's bloody sock from the 2004 ALCS, saying it was a hoax. Thorne went on to also call out the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Al Davis as mere figments of the imagination.

Nobody outside of the dopes that live in Hampton Beach and ESPN's Bill Simpson actually believe that was blood on Schilling's sock, right? More people probably believe that Barry Bonds isn't using steroids.

Maybe it is time for Schilling to come clean. The Red Sox rallied from 0-3 to beat the hated Yankees, but over time, all anybody will remember is Schilling trying to martyr himself with a bloody sock.

Lost: Who's your daddy?

Spoilers for last night's "Lost" coming up just as soon as I apologize for using the tritest subject line possible...

Who woulda thunk it? Nearly three years in, and there's still the occasional surprise to be found in a flashback for one of the original characters. Until now, we thought that Jin became a legbreaker as a misguided way to provide for Sun; now we know that he was unknowingly paying off a debt Sun owed to her father. Puts a whole new spin on much of what we know about these two, without rendering invalid anything that came before. Plus, we got the usual sterling performances by the underused Daniel Dae Kim (now with spin kicks!) and Yunjin Kim (who, like Elizabeth Mitchell, could stand a sandwich).

In the present day, we have a bunch of mind-bending stuff, from the magically resurrecting Mikahil (are we sure his last name's not Rasputin?) to Parachute Lady's assertion that the wreck of Oceanic 815 was found, with no survivors. So which of the pre-existing Grand Unified Theories of "Lost" does that news fit into? Purgatory? Dream? Is the Dharma Initiative so powerful they could fake both the crashed plan and corpses of the passengers? And how did Bakunin survive the Sonic Wall of Death? Is there more than one of him? Are the island's healing powers so potent that Nikki and Paulo aren't the only people who were buried alive?

As for Juliet, the writers are trying to ride the knife edge with where her loyalties lie. She's still feeding intel to Ben, but she hates him. Question: with the sub and the communications station both blown up real good, what the hell could he be promising her? And should I care?

All in all, pretty good teevee. What did everybody else think?

Bonds Impending Demise

Let's be honest, all of us (outside of Conrad Bain) want to see Barry Bonds get injured before he breaks the all-time home run record.

No, yes you do.

But how would you like to see it done? One guy on the radio today had one of the best suggestions when he said that he wanted Bonds to get eaten by a shark. That's pretty good, but what other possible ways would you like to see Bonds go down? Personally, it would be great to see a pitcher hit Bonds' plastic armband so hard, that it shatters into a hundred pieces, with the biggest piece lodging into Bonds' lung. Either that, or Bonds finds himself locked in a room where he has to watch The Fan on a continuous loop.

American Idol: Top 6 non-results

NJ.com is once again being buggy, so I'm going to duplicate what I wrote there over here. Thoughts on what did and didn't happen coming up after the jump...

"How could we let anybody go on a charity night?" asked "American Idol" host Ryan Seacrest at the end of Wednesday night's well-meaning but often clumsy two-hour telethon/results show, in which there was no actual result.

After 120 minutes of promising "the most shocking result in our history," Seacrest and his producers reached into a trick they used back in season two, under less pure circumstances: they didn't get rid of anyone.

The first time they tried this, the week that Corey Clark was disqualified from the show for lying about his criminal history, Team Idol went through the motions of acting like someone would be kicked off by the traditional audience vote. In the end, though, they backed off and said no one would be going home, and that the results would be rolled over for voting the following week.

Back then, it came across like a cheap stunt -- literally -- to prevent Fox from having to cut the season short by a week and lose millions in ad revenue. Plus, because the producers had Seacrest identify the bottom three, it gave those contestants the unfair advantage of extra-motivated fanbases; Rickey Smith, who went home the following week, wasn't in that trio.

This time, "Idol" handled the non-elimination slightly better, and for more noble reasons. Seacrest didn't rank the six contestants at all, and the 70 million votes cast this week will roll over, with two singers going home next week. Everyone's on the same playing field.

And if Fox had announced upfront that no one would be eliminated, would the millions of rabid "Idol" fans have sat through two hours of gratuitous celebrity cameos and emotionally grueling footage of poor and dying people in Africa? Yes, it was a bait-and-switch, but at least it was for a good cause -- several of them, in fact.

But while I can't fault the "Idol" producers' intentions, the execution was another matter. The show opened with Seacrest having difficulty reading the teleprompter, and things remained rocky. The live performances from a separate theater were often underwhelming (a notable exception: Annie Lennox singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water"). The final six contestants struggled as usual to sing together, this time on original compositions by Quincy Jones and Bono. A music video with Carrie Underwood visiting Africa awkwardly seemed to turn the local children into props. Outside of a "Simpsons" parody with Simon as a contestant and Marge, Lisa and Homer as the judges (including a long-deserved Dunkleman joke), the comedy bits all fell flat.

(The biggest misfire: the judges ripping Jack Black for his rendition of "Kiss From a Rose," which was actually the best the song has sounded in "Idol" history, and better than almost every male performance this season.)

Still, money got raised ($30 million by show's end, according to Seacrest) and people will be helped, and for that I'll forgive the non-elimination, Ben Stiller's unfunny and unending bit, or that cheesetastic celebrity lip-synch jam on "Staying Alive."

Fatal errors

Spoilers for last night's "House" and "Gilmore Girls" coming up just as soon as I straighten my UPenn diploma...

Just the other day, Fienberg was complaining to me that it had been a while since "House" had killed a patient, so he's obviously very pleased with last night's episode. Patients have died before on occasion, but usually because the team couldn't find the right treatment in time; other than maybe that Chase/House inquisition episode from last season (the details of which I don't remember), this was an extremely rare case of House's "treat first, diagnosis much later" strategy backfiring and being directly responsible for a fatality. Omar Epps gets another potential Emmy reel in an episode guest-starring Roc Dutton, but he didn't really grab me until the last scene with Foreman's mom. Various TV guides spoiled the Alzheimer's revelation, but it was devastating anyway. Beautifully played by Epps and the actress cast as Mrs. Foreman.

Meanwhile, after an episode so boring I felt absolutely no need to review it, "Gilmore Girls" was back to at least decent levels, thanks largely to the biggest Paris spotlight of the season. The envelope-opening scene was priceless in its many mood swings, and I liked Doyle finally figuring out how to handle her after all these years of being the bottom in this relationship.

The use of the Jeep and the broken dollhouse as metaphors for Lorelai and Luke's relationship was a bit sledgehammer-y, but I'm glad that they're finally getting significant screentime again. Whatever personal problems may or may not exist between the two actors, they have good chemistry, especially when they're as annoyed with each other as they were for most of this episode. It's just a shame that Amy's parting gift and Rosenthal's decision to really deal with the consequences of it has kept the two of them apart for almost all of what could be the final season. I expect in the end that the CW is going to come up with some sort of compromise, an abbreviated season or whatever, to get Graham and Bledel to commit to one more year, but in the event that falls through, I can't imagine getting any real closure on this relationship over the next three episodes.

What did everybody else think?

Quit Crying Strahan

Poor Mikey Strahan doesn't much like the NFL. He told the New York Post as much:

"You want to be an NFL star? You want to stand in my shoes? Let's say one day I came to you and offered you a million dollars to let me take a huge hunting knife and wear down the blade until it was rusty and really dull. Then, when it's really dull and nasty, I would stick it into a pit of burning coals until the blade was white-hot. Finally, I would pull that sucker out of the flames and stab you over and over and over again. Take that blade and stab you in the ankles, your feet and your wrists. Not just stick it in but turn. Every single year I have somebody sink this awful, dreadful blade into a few parts of my body."

Boo hoo. Now, many people would say that Strahan gets paid a lot of money and that he should suck it up. And you are right, but it goes much deeper than that. Listening to all of these athletes and actors, who have worked so hard to get to where they are complain about it is sickening. If you didn't want to go through all of that stuff Michael, you could have just walked away like Tiki Barber did. To complain about the horrors of the NFL, yet show up for training camp just makes you look like a huge dope.

Too many bad doctors in the house

Today's in the paper I put a bunch of my recent "Grey's Anatomy" complaints into column form (albeit not marble column form, which I'm still working on):

IN THE FINAL scene of last week's "Grey's Anatomy," chief of surgery Robert Weber (James Pickens Jr.) visited a local bar, trying to rebuild his dating muscles after the end of his long marriage. Horrified to realize he was flirting with a college student, and embarrassed that he let smarmy Dr. McSteamy (Eric Dane) talk him into this plan, the chief was on the verge of bailing when Dr. Addison Montgomery (Kate Walsh) sat down next to him and suggested he ask her to dance. Told by the chief that the bar had no dance floor, she gave him an insouciant grin and said, "So? Ask me anyway," and the pair ended the episode sharing a funky, silly, completely charming two-step, surrounded by oblivious drinkers.

That was Kate Walsh's only real screen time last week, but in that minute-plus, she demonstrated why she was the right choice to be the star of the upcoming "Grey's" spin-off -- and why the original show is going to suffer badly with the loss of one of the few likable characters it has left.

The backdoor pilot for the spin-off, which will also feature Tim Daly, Taye Diggs and Amy Brenneman in its cast, airs next week. While I'm naturally skeptical of spin-offs, I hope this one is good, and that Addison can bring the chief, Callie (Sara Ramirez) and Karev (Justin Chambers) with her, so I no longer have any reason to watch "Grey's" proper.

To read the full thing, click here.

The Shield: Strike Team gets an FNG

Spoilers for "The Shield" coming up just as soon as I crank up the AC/DC...

Well, the obvious development to talk about first is the arrival of one Kevin Hiatt as the Strike Team's newest member and Vic's apparent replacement, but it's kind of hard to focus on that when there's that amazing Mackey freak-out at the end, no? Chiklis is just one hell of an actor, and they set it up beautifully, not only with Vic turning 'Vantes into a surrogate for Lem, but the placement of Corinne so that she couldn't physically get to Vic to help him as 'Vantes was dying. A very powerful, unexpected moment.

As for Hiatt, I don't know yet. I've seen two more episodes with him beyond this one, and he just seems sort of, there, you know? I'm not articulating this well, and we can talk about it more in the next few weeks, but if they want us to actually imagine a future where Vic isn't at The Barn and this guy is riding herd over all the gangbangers, he needs to be more charismatic than Alex O'Loughlin is showing me here.

I do like the idea of Claudette figuring out a way to make Vic behave until he's out the door. She understands what motivates Vic in a way that none of his other bosses have (except maybe Monica Rawling, who went more with the stick than the carrot), but this also has the potential to hugely blow up in her face. Also, while she's busy fixing the Strike Team, Aceveda is busy screwing her over by getting the house massacre taken away from RHD and sent back to The Barn.

What did everybody else think?

American Idol: Top 6 (Idol Gives Back)

Thoughts on part one of Idol Gives Back are up at NJ.com, but you can comment about it here.

Loose ends

Haven't seen "24" yet, and based on what little I've heard and my overall lack of enthusiasm for this season, I may just skip ahead to next week. Spoilers for, in order, "SNL," "Entourage" and "Drive" coming right up...

I didn't watch all of this week's "SNL," but two bits bear mention: "Roy Rules" and Marble Columns. On the former, I'm surprised by how untired I am of Andy Samberg's music videos, as you would think the joke would be old by now. (Then again, some of them have been duds, notably "Young Chuck Norris.") I think what sold this one were the increasingly disturbed/annoyed reactions of whoever was playing Roy (who looks just familiar enough that I'm assuming he's a writer who's been in the background of other sketches/films). In particular, I love the bit where he's wearing a collared shirt and tie and looks dumbsquizzled when Andy declares that "He loves wearing t-shirts!" Sometimes, it's the little details like that.

Meanwhile, we can add Scarlett Johansson to the list of hosts with recurring characters, now that her Noo Yawk "Look at dis one! Look at dat one!" character from the Chandelier Galaxy ad has popped up again. It's basically an excuse for Scarlett to do the accent, but the joke's not tired yet. It does inspire an open question, though: what's your favorite host recurring character? And how many hosts beyond the usual suspects (Martin, Walken, Baldwin) even have recurring characters? Justin Timberlake obviously has a couple, and now ScarJo does, but who else?

I don't have a lot to say about the latest "Entourage," in part because the Vince/Amanda thing becomes a bigger deal in weeks to come, in part because I don't really care. Some have made the argument that her offer of sex is both true to life (there are rumors of a similar agent/client relationship in the real Hollywood) and her way of taking control of the business relationship, but to me it played like yet another "Entourage" hottie throwing herself at Vince. This is obviously a male fantasy show, and if I want genuinely strong female characters, I should look elsewhere, but I'd rather they not introduced Carla Gugino at all than to have her story go down this path. The Ari stuff was funny, with both Bryan Callen and Nora Dunn working as good foils, but I'm so bored I'm not sure I'll even want to keep watching once HBO starts showing the episodes I haven't seen yet.

It feels almost besides the point to comment on "Drive," as I'm assuming this was the last episode that will ever air. (Next Monday is in sweeps, so at the very least I assume it'll be pulled until summer.) Still, a few thoughts:

Glad to see they bogarted the Fast Forward along with the rest of the "Amazing Race" vibe. On paper, it will give the writers opportunities to tell stories that go beyond "figure out obscure clue and drive real fast to it," but it didn't feel like there was enough time to turn this into a decent caper plot.

Why'd they have to go and kill D'Angelo Barksdale's mom? I liked her much better than her partner (and/or Taryn Manning), but of course she's not as young and hot as the other two, so I suppose that answers that question. Of larger concern: because this actress (Michael Hyatt) and Dylan Baker are the only two significant racers to not be in the opening credits, it really telegraphed both her fate and the fact that Baker's due to succumb to his fatal illness any second now. How much more complicated would it have been to produce some mock opening titles featuring Hyatt and Baker until each of them wrapped up his/her run on the show? I know that in the past, producers have claimed that this trick is too expensive and/or time-consuming to do (it's the reason Eric Balfour wasn't in the titles for the "Buffy" pilot, even though Joss wanted him to be), but a commenter on the Zap2It blog says that this week's credits changed so that Tully was driving his new car instead of the pick-up; how much more of a hassle would it have been to do versions including Hyatt and/or Baker?

What did everybody else think?

Give Cuban A Cigar

The Dallas Mavericks have taken a page from the old Boston Garden by cranking the heat in the visitor's locker room prior to Game 1 of the NBA playoffs. Why not go all the way and have Takashi pour liquid heat on the jocks of the Warriors? No wonder Golden State feels so invincible against these stiffs. If the Mavericks are going to resort to chicken (expletive) ploys like this, you can't like their chances.

Career Over?

Damn, Rumors and Rants already used that joke, and have even advanced the common assumption that Eric Gagne was using steroids. And a year ago, we would have probably agreed with them. But to dismiss Gagne's meteoric rise as steroid abuse might be a little bit of a disservice. Plenty of closers were once failed starters. Dennis Eckersley was probably the most famous to go from starter to dominant closer when his career stalled. Eck was a one-time 20-game winner who became an average starter before his career was reborn in the bullpen. Dave Righetti was an decent starter (with a no-hitter) who became a dominant closer. So it's not unusual for it to happen.

Gagne was pretty strong in the early part of his starts, but was taken apart during his second time through the order. A problem he wouldn't have as a closer. Besides, he never looked like a juicer like Barry Bonds or Jeremy Giambi. That can only lead to one possible conclusion:

He was on the juice. Sorry baseball. All players of this era are going to be guilty until proven innocent. This wouldn't be the case if you had taken care of the problem earlier. So now every record will draw a raised eyebrow.

The Simpsons Still Have It

People believe that the Simpsons might have lost its fastball, but this clip says otherwise.

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Heroes: The Hiro effect

"Heroes" spoilers coming up just as soon as I go read a pirate comic book...

After devoting this morning's column to pointing out some of the flaws that I'd like to see corrected before next year, let's dwell on all the kewlness that happened tonight.

Start with the fact that, between HRG demonstrating a better command of Parkman's powers than Parkman has ever shown and Linderman revealing "abilities" of his own while explaining that he's stolen Ozymandias' peace through fear plan from "Watchmen," the episode didn't even get back to the Peter/Sylar/Mohinder cliffhanger until sometime after the 10-minute mark. (Give or take; I'm estimating based on my ad-free screener.) This is a show that has a lot going on that they could stall so long on the real heart-stopper and not have me yelling, "Get back to the haircut! GET BACK TO THE HAIRCUT!"

The showdown between our two power sponges also helped quell a concern I've had since Claude began training Peter: that he would become so powerful that the other characters would be rendered pointless in any real super-on-super conflict. But having lots of powers and knowing what to do with them are two different things, and simply going invisible rather than continuing to attack Sylar left Peter in a bad way, in a nice callback to Claire "dying" in episode three until the morgue technician pulled the branch out of her head.

Speaking of knowledge as power: the great escape from Primatech, where HRG schools Parkman and Radioactive Ted while finding a way out of there. Two fine comic moments in there: Eric Roberts wanting to gag Parkman because "I don't want to hear any more about his pregnant wife" (amen, buddy), and Parkman laughing at the realization that his own personal bogeyman is nothing more than middle management.

The revelation that Linderman is in charge of Primatech kind of makes my head hurt, as do the continuing hints of an anti-conspiracy fronted by Ma Petrelli. (And does she have abilities, too?) Longtime readers of this blog know how much "X-Files" and its imitators have burned me out on elaborate conspiracy plots -- let alone dueling conspiracy plots -- and I generally prefer this show for the character moments and the wicked awesome power displays, but I'll give them some time before I start fast-forwarding through these scenes.

So, some questions and other thoughts:

• Did anybody else think that Hiro and Future Hiro would meet, let alone this soon? And how will this tie into the show's overall philosophy about time travel and Hiro's ability (or lack thereof) to change the past?
• Was Isaac just blustering to Sylar, or did he really paint some sort of "Here's how you beat this guy?" picture before he died? Will anyone miss Isaac? (Also, I like that Sylar was able to steal Isaac's precognitive talents, but not his artistic skills.)
• If Mohinder's working for Primatech, will Eric Roberts force him to cut out the monologuing?
• Are Micah's machine-fixing powers in any way related to Linderman's plant (and possibly all biological life)-fixing powers? And what sort of role does Micah play in all of this?

What did everybody else think? Glad to have it back? Not worth the wait? What?

How 'Heroes' can save itself

For those wondering, I haven't seen last night's "Amazing Race," and based on what little I know about it, may not bother. Meanwhile, today's non-"Sopranos" column looks at the return of "Heroes" -- specifically, some suggestions on how the producers might minimize the inevitable sophomore slump:

On TV, what goes up will inevitably come crashing down, even if it's a show whose star can fly.

It's a fact of life that this year's watercooler phenomenon will become next year's shark-jumper, that what seemed novel and exciting will come to feel predictable. As I often say, being a fan of a TV show is like being in a relationship, and that thing your girlfriend does while she's eating that seemed cute on your second date will start driving you bonkers after you've been together for a year or so. We forgive a lot more when the romance is new and fresh than when we've been together so long that we can complete each other's sentences.

It always happens, whether the show is an all-time classic ("The Sopranos"), an obvious flash-in-the-pan ("Ally McBeal") or something in between ("Desperate Housewives"). And I have no doubt it's going to happen to this season's biggest hit, NBC's "Heroes," which tonight begins its final stretch of original episodes for its first season.

To read the full thing, click here. I'll have a full post on tonight's episode hopefully ready to go by the time it's done airing.

Sopranos Rewind: Remember When

From my column on episode three:

"Things are going great, finally," says Tony Soprano. "Maybe I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop."

So are we, Tony.

As this final season has gone on, fans have been waiting to see who will die, who will wind up in jail, who will rat. If a sad, moving episode like last night's "Remember When" is any indication, the wait might not end -- and that might be okay.

The full thing's up at NJ.com, but you can comment here.

The Post Mortem

This was THN's view of Saturday night's Angels game. Maybe too close for MLB Jennifer who had Jose Guillen hit on her, Mike Napoli flash her the rock on sign and Richie Sexon discuss his twins. And Ichiro would not respond to our request to sign a free agent deal with the Angels next year. Getting spoiled by those seats are really easy. Especially for a guy that typically spends most Angels games in left field.

And why is it, anytime you score seats in a luxury box or in the Diamond Club that the Angels put on its most time efficient game, like, ever? Bartolo Colon threw only 77 pitches. He didn�t take any leisurely strolls around the mound or anything. Colon was already in his windup before Napoli even returned the ball. Not that you can complain with seats like that, just that it ended too soon.

NICE PITCHING STAFF YANKEES

The Red Sox and Columbus Clippers series was a letdown. Everybody is raving about the Red Sox, back-to-back-to-back-to-back homeruns against Skeet Ulrich, or whomever that was pitching for the Yankees. Is that all? The Red Sox should have done that every inning. Seriously, even the most ardent baseball fan has never heard of those guys that the Yankees are starting. How were these games even this close? The Red Sox should have blown out the Yankees, but instead had to come back three times to win. Maybe the Red Sox didn�t have an advance scouting report on these guys, but they should have really pounded those guys.

And when will the Yankees become desperate enough for pitching that they will deal Alex Rodriguez for Joe Saunders? Not that Bill Stoneman would give up such a prized piece like Saunders for A-Rod, but we can dream. Besides, most Yankees fans will tell you today that A-Rod is a choker because he made the final out against Jonathan Papelbon.

What is with the "mean" face Papelbon is making on the mound? He looks like a fifth-grader trying to look tough. No wonder nobody can hit him; they are too busy holding back laughter.

• Sad news, Angels announcer Steve Physioc has been fired from his job for referring to catch Mike Napoli as "Nappy." The PC police have gone too far with this one. And yes, that�s a joke, but it wouldn�t surprise you if it was true.

• Still going to have a hard time getting excited for the NBA playoffs, despite Denver and Golden State stealing Game 1 victories. That would only mean something if the series was best-of-five. But it really means nothing in a seven-game series. Do you really think that the Nuggets are going to hang on against the Spurs? Although Golden State has had some success against Dallas winning, what, six consecutive games against the top seed in the West? Still, expect both teams to be blown out in the next game.

• Who are these guys still pitching to Barry Bonds? You have to imagine that pitchers aren�t as outraged as the rest of the world because they were likely using steroids, too. The only guy not on the juice was Jamie Moyer, and he doesn�t throw hard enough to hurt anybody.

• Our Book of Scrap has your Chicago Olympic Committee.

AND FINALLY

Jean Strahan had a garage sale, selling off her ex-husbands old stuff. If only there was a way to sell the dive Brett Favre took for Strahan to get the single-season sack record. Some customers noted that some of the suits for sale seemed a little too slender. Like they were cut for a lanky corner back instead. Strange.

Liberace's NBA Preview

The playoffs must be tough for Tim Hardaway to enjoy, seeing that one of the competitors could be a homosexual. To Hardaway, any guy that wears a tank-top and shorts is gay, or at least that is what his partner in the pride march told him. So you can see why he gets confused watching NBA basketball. That is why THN invited Liberace back for what will now be a weekend feature, weeding out the homosexual athletes in sports. Even though Liberace is all man, he somehow has an eye for this kind of thing. The only thing he asked for in return was a dressing room with a peep hole next to Conrad Bain.

Again, thanks go out to the Price Above Bip Roberts, who has loaned Liberace to us. (Remember that litigious NBA ball players.)


Hello, friends. I'm back again, and ravishing. It's a Saturday afternoon, one of my favorite cities - San Francisco - finally has a team back in the NBA postseason, and right now, another dynamic little three-horse town of American life, Chicago, is beating Miami, which I always thought tried a little too hard, if you know what I mean.

I'm fascinated by the NBA's second season, and not just because of the cities themselves, which range from ab fab (even Oakland has its high points!) to "don't even reference for fear of being named a social pariah" (ahem, Dallas). I like the boys in shorts and sneaks, too: the players make the game go round. The players are the reason why I love this game.

With apologies to John A. in advance - he'll have a nice bubble bath, drawn with rose petals, waiting when his time with The Maker comes - I have realized that every team in these playoffs has one contender for, well, my side of the fence. Here now, who they are, why I love them, and why I wouldn't mind asking how much that doggy in the window truly is:

Dallas: Avery Johnson himself. A nattily attired, vocal leader - like the best among us - Avery's voice is the dead give-away. He screeches in a way that's at once annoying yet lovable, nails-down-the-blackboard yet sentimental, as if reminding you of a time long ago, when things were so much better. His men take orders from him like no other, first as a point guard, then as an assistant, and now as a coach. Avery is the true metrosexual leader.

Phoenix: Steve Nash. That do! Those slick passing moves! No one could be so agile, yet so fashionable, and not at least think about tickling the Ivories with moi. His floppy hair is more than just a "passing fancy" for many young girls and boys. His wife and twins? Beard. And fakes.

San Antonio: Manu Ginobili. Again, dapper to a fault, European in his graciousness and team mentality, and he does that cute little thing with the corner of his mouth when Cheryl Miller interviews him. I think it might have - at one point - been Tony for this team, but Eva might be one of the few who has the power to turn a man back to the pink team.

Utah: Remember when Andrei's wife said that he could have one transgression a year, on the road? She may have said "with a woman," but she meant: "with either..." Andrei would do it. His goofiness hides a suave interior that oftentimes outwardly projects. AK-47, indeed! Tee hee!

Houston: Mr. Kirk Snyder. I've longed dreamed of having a boy named Kirk - Cameron caught my fancy up here, but many moons ago, in my boyhood days in Wisconsin, a young strapping lad named Kirk lived across the street. Often, at the local park, he'd play kickball with the other lads as I sat doodling in the dirt with a stick, making fine geometric patterns far too advanced for my age. He never said hi to me, but once - a lone occurence where he passed by, and nodded ever so gracefully, adding, almost in passing, "Nice trapezoids." It didn't matter that there were, in fact, NO trapezoids etched in dirt; what mattered was Kirk. Mr. Snyder, you can Clutch the City of my heart any day.

Denver Nuggets: Eduardo Najera, why must you forsake me? Your stately good looks, and fine, sinewy figure - hiding a potent athleticism that few (Kelvin Sampson, maybe a couple others...) actually know. George Karl doesn't know how to get the best of you, but I would...

Los Angeles Lakers: Mr. Luke Walton, if this Brittney Spears is true, I can only hope you're actually a member of my side of the great universal equation, and this is something she feels she needs for her career. Girl couldn't carry a tune in a paper bag anyhoo. You are somewhat striking, the way your bangs hang down over your face; she isn't at all, the way she's bald and drug-addled and a total slut and a bad musician...

Golden State: J-Rich, the way you soar gives me goosebumps. Your majestic flight, like that of an eagle, is truly an art form; your soft skin reflects off the glow of the collected majesty of San Francisco and Oakland - MY cities - and the luminence could fill up 10,000 arenas. While you're up there, could you kiss the heavens for me? Oh, and get me Mateen's number, too.

Eastern Conference

Detroit Pistons: Richard Hamilton, there's no need to hide behind so many masks. There's one mask you universally wear - hiding your true feelings from the world. Admit it: when Larry Brown made you guys better, you wanted nothing MORE and nothing LESS than to plant a big, fat, wet one right on his lemon-looking old man visage. That's how I often feel about you as you glide, Nash-like yet in your own way even more poignant, down the lane.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Z, with a little fine tuning, you might turn from Frankenstein into the Prince. I realize I just mixed metaphors there, but let's be honest: when discussing a city like Cleveland, there isn't much that should be off-limits. The place is hell on Earth.

Toronto Raptors: Andrea Bargnani, there's a reason you were number one last year. You're also number one in my heart: you see, I like - and appreciate - a man with some wordly nature to him. Only living in one place, doing one thing, existing one way - that gets boring. You've seen things, places, and people that I have as well, but we're two of a kind. Hold my hand, and I'll protect you from the devious glances of Samuel Mitchell.

Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade, do you really think - for a second - that a man can be that cosmopolitan, appear on that many magazine covers, strut that many runways, and sneak by me? NEVER! I'm onto you, Flash. Fall down 7 times, indeed. Stand up 8? Perhaps not with my people around.

Chicago Bulls: Andreas Noicioni, there was an image of you last year, right when the Bulls clinched a playoff berth. It was in slow motion, in Chicago, with the lights behind you, illuminating and highlighting your features. You tossed the ball to the rafters, full of glee and merriment, and I thought to myself: YES! YES! BE FREE! TAKE NOTHING FROM ANY MAN! Your spirit emboldens me, and your city. You are, indeed, one of us.

New Jersey Nets: Mr. Richard Jefferson, please see my comments to Mr. Wade above.

Washington Wizards: Uh, no. No one even vaguely qualifies. OK, maybe Darius Songalia. But I won't touch him with Harvey Firestein's you-know-what.

Orlando Magic: Travis Diener, you don't play enough. You come from a good ol' fashioned basketball family in Wisconsin - like me, without the sports! - and you have that whole floppy-headed, boy-finding-his-way-in-the-world-amongst-men thing going on. It's just so darling; I want to come over and pinch your cheeks, and rub them for good luck and good measure. Stand up to Brian Hill! Tell him you're in the lineup more! Tell him Wisconsin must represent! And as you do so, blow a kiss into the air and leave it there, gently. I'll be waiting.

Past Liberace Articles:
Mike Pizza: Female Dog

The Weak Ender

Victoria�s Secret has selected Danica Patrick as the sexiest female athlete. Because yeah, that "deer-in-the-headlights" gaze is just super sexy. She looks like a mix between the "runaway bride" and Terry Schiavo. And shouldn�t the sexiest athlete, you know, be an actual athlete?

Derek Jeter won on the men's side. So at least there is something going right for the Yankees captain. Do you think that Jeet is a little upset privately because of all of the success that A-Rod has experienced so far this season? Jeter probably relished the fact that A-Rod not only had to switch positions, but struggled in the postseason. That gave Jeter super hero status in Gotham City.

If A-Rod continues this streak through the season and into the playoffs, there is a very good chance that he will be recognized as the greatest baseball player of his generation. In a year when Gomer Manning finally climbed the top, anything is possible. The only thing that could make this parallel more apt would be for Joe Torre to come out and denounce homosexuals.

• Speaking of the Yankees, they start one of many series with the Red Sox this weekend. And already, Calvin Cowheard was making a big deal out of it. Sorry, this series is starting to play out like a Rocky movie. So much so that they might as well have Tommy Morrison throw out the first pitch tonight.

• Who is going to be this year�s Detroit, aka America's Team? The Twins maybe? The Indians might be a little young and seriously, they are responsible for this whole A-Rod is clutch deal, so it can�t be them. Maybe it's time to invoke the best interest of baseball clause to give the Angels a few hitters to help balance the power.

• The Anaheim Ducks won a playoff series. Oh no, it�s almost time to jump on the hockey bandwagon. No, seriously. You can�t consider yourself a real SoCal sports fan unless you are willing to jump on the bandwagon of one the participants of one of the fringe sports. There is a Ducks hat in the closet, right next to an Avengers jersey. Bring on the Red Wings! Does Paul Kariya still play hockey?

• Speaking of fringe sports, the NBA playoffs start its 12-week odyssey towards crowning its championship tonight. Good lord, the NBA playoffs are not boring because they space the games out so much, but what happened to the best-of-five first round series? At least there was the possibility of an upset. The Lakers would have beaten the Suns last year in the first round. But now, there won�t be any upsets, other than the fans who have to buy extra tickets to the games because NBA teams still mail-in performances in the playoffs like they are the Celtics tanking games to get a higher lottery slot. The NBA would be a lot more interesting if the first two playoff rounds were best-of-five, followed by a best-of-seven for the conference and NBA Finals. That would mean less money through ticket revenue, but at least the teams would have to try hard every night.

The Links

How is it that everybody, other than the Angels coaching staff, knows that Ervin Santana sucks during day games? And you didn't want the Angels to trade him.

The Five Tool Tool is reveling in his fantasy pick of A-Rod.

Sports Dad on a European Vacation.

Fletch reviews of Half Nelson.

Drugging your female party guests is bad, according to the Steroid Nation.

The Sports Hernia chronicles the legend of Amobi Okoye.

AND FINALLY

It is 4:20, brah!

Kevin, from the Kevin and Bean morning show on KROQ, made a great point today in that Matthew McConaughey could win an Oscar, but he will never surpass his role as David Wooderson in Dazed and Confused. Kind of the same way that Sean Penn is still Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Of course, 4/20 coincides with the announcement that three prospects in this year�s draft admitted that they smoked pot, including WR Calvin Johnson. Oh my, college kids smoking pot? Of course, Flash Warner thinks this makes Johnson a slam dunk for the Raiders.

Cleveland, 'Rock'

Brief spoilers for "30 Rock," "Scrubs" and "Grey's Anatomy" coming right up...

"30 Rock" is edging close to permanently bullet-pointed status, where I have nothing to say but listing the stuff I found funny. Some highlights in this episode:

• Tracy on the "Jefferson" budget: "It's gonna be at least 30 million dollars with all the Claymation sex scenes in it!"
• "Well played, Garkle."
• Kenneth's Michael McDonald impression
• Jenna drunkenly trying on thongs in the background of the Liz/Phoebe scene (now, I didn't miss her when she was gone, but she definitely can add something when she surives to final cut)
• The fact that Gordon from "Sesame Street" is an inner circle member of The Black Crusaders
• Jack running
• Liz trying mix in "By the Hammer of Thor!" (she and Will Ferrell really dig Norse pantheon references, don't they?) and "Blurg" (totally warranted after the guy spit in her mouth) into every conversation
• "This is Frank's "Hot Baby" sketch, which is regrettable...."
• Liz as catalog model
• Jack once again in a tuxedo after 6

I love that show so much.

"Scrubs" essentially went one-for-three in its Ted/Jordan/The Todd spotlight episode. Ted's narration had me laughing so hard I had to take a break to cure my hiccups (preferred method: chugging a glass of water), but The Todd stuff really only amused me during his parenting fantasy, and the Jordan material just fell flat, outside of the Elliott/Dudemeister stuff on the periphery. Still, I'm glad they tried it, and it's given me ever-increasing appreciation for the multiple talents of Sam Lloyd. He can sing beautifully, is a master air-bandist, and now can do brilliant voiceover narration and rock a powder blue polyester suit? They don't pay him enough.

I said last time that I was done blogging "Grey's Anatomy" at length, so all I have to say about last night's is that, while Izzie's situation sucked for her, the character's been mangled so badly that I spent most of the episode rolling my eyes like she had just made a Virginia Tech shout-out to gain some sympathy for her previous odiousness. Katherine Heigl did what she could (well-aided by Chandra Wilson), but my hatred for Izzie -- and for the seemingly inevitable Izzie/George 'ship -- overwhelms all.

What did everybody else think?