The Mid Week Malaise

Little late this week, fo' sure. As a result, it'll be even less funny:

Daunte Culpepper

Not only is his career a shadow of what it was once was, his coach has mono. Read between the lines: Lane Kiffin pulls more tail than Daunte Culpepper. Damn, whitey. Ain't no fun if yo' homies can't have none.

Team USA Basketball

Bosh out with an injury. Hinrich withdraws. Pretty soon you're gonna see Scoonie Penn and Todd MacCulloch on this f'n team.

Milwaukee Brewers

Remember when people thought they had a real shot to be this year's Tigers? Ha. Bunch of drunks.

Baseball

I'd kill every first cousin in my family right now if LSU and Mississippi State would just kick off.

Tim Donaghy

Twenty-five in the clink, potentially. I hear they take about as kindly in there to child molestors as guys that could have lost some of the other inmates thousands. I hope he has Sublime on his I-Pod. I won't take it any further than that.

This Summer as a Whole

Is it just me, or is Barry Bonds now a hero in the midst of all this other crap?

Jose Offerman

The key to retention of relevance in our society is going batshit crazy (see: Nolte, Nick). Offerman seems to grasp that. Now, if he'd only put down the bat for a second.

David Price

Nice contract from the D-Rays! You just lost all happiness from the formative years of your life.

Philadelphia Phillies

It's halfway to September. You think Manuel holds a meeting and says, "Alright, boys. We gotta

screw this to the wall in a brand new way this season. I want drama, huge flops..." and then Russell Branyan pipes up from the corner, "Maybe something with guns and midget porn?"

Everyone not named USC in college football

Have you looked at this roster? Booty, Sanchez, Mustain? Any pro coach in Florida would give their left testicle (and likely their right, come to think of it, since is the left alone really that effective?) to Pete Carroll for that trio.