The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, fochers. Ted back again, to sprinkle your mid-week happiness with some non-humorous reflections on the sports world:

Hank Aaron

Is it just me, or did his video message at AT&T Park have the odd quality of a terrorist film?

Hank Aaron Part II

A cheater passed me once - fourth grade 'Math Rally.' I beat him brutally about the face and neck behind school after science.

David Wells

The whole thing with fat people is, they're supposed to be happy and carefree (see Claus, Santa)- that's why they get fat, because gluttony and massive alcohol consumption is just a thing you do in the name of being the fun guy. This guy is surly and now he's unwanted.

Cleveland Browns

Before you guys opened your wallet, did you check out the VHS tapes of Quinn vs. Michigan, Quinn vs. LSU, Quinn vs. Ohio State, Quinn vs. USC, and the compilation DVD "Quinn in college in any game of even vague substance?" Was that really worth 30 million dollars considering your entire city is a synonym for urban plight?

Celtics

If they lure Reggie Miller out of retirement, in two years their on-flight viewing for team trips will be Annie Hall and The Deer Hunter - some of the first R-Rated movies the boys were going to back in the day.

Staal Brothers

I guess the positive news for Bettman is, this is the worst behavior coming out of his league, paling in comparison to the other pro sports. The bad news is when the news breaks of Eric Staal's 'Naughty Dolphin'-ing of one of the strippers.

Brett Favre

Another year of this godforsaken sh*t? I hope he crawls on the field like a pathetic, lost little dog again. That was pleasant to watch.

Larry Johnson

I really don't want him to be the guy that makes Priest Holmes relevant again. The Price is Right, for example, could have made Ian Ziering notable again. But it didn't. It knew better. I hope the Chiefs understand the powerful lesson here.

China

One year till the Olympics. In China. F*ck. This isn't going to go well, is it?

Teams in the Midwest

Cardinals - fork was stuck in them during the making of The Holiday, it seems. Brewers - falling apart faster than the SF Giants' national relevance. Cubs - lost Soriano, probably because he wasn't on enough roids. Tigers - look like the sociocultural equivalent of Scott Baio's career circa 1994 right now. Meanwhile, how 'bout them Angels (yea Adam!) and Mariners? If I got to choose a coast, I got to choose the west. I live out there, so don't go there. Crap. I messed that up.