An Open Letter To Jamie McCourt

Jamie,
Let me be frank with you. Uh� let me put that another way. Here you are, the highest level female executive in the Major Leagues, and here am I, a guy with enough common sense to pour the piss out of his boots if the instructions are written on the heel. Apparently, you are in need of my services.

I don�t have to tell you. Things aren�t looking really good for the Dodger organization right now. I mean sure, you had hoped that the whole Rodents of Unusual Size issue with the vendors in Anacrime might take some of the attention away from your franchise. Let�s be honest. After the Angels sent the rest of the division out for coffee again last weekend, no one�s going to remember rat pellets in the nachos. Everyone will remember that your squad couldn�t hit a bull in the ass with a shovel when it mattered. Anyway, I�ve worked up a couple of ideas to help Big Blue reclaim their place as SoCal�s favorite baseball team.

First, remind people of your great tradition. Picture this: three generations of Dodger catchers taking the field on opening day for the symbolic first pitch: Scioscia, Piazza and Lo Duca! Think about it, a quarter century of Dodger tradition- one heading for Cooperstown, one considered by many the best field general in the game and one just collected his 1000th hit, all wearing their Dodger uni� O.K. Let�s cross that one off the list. I may have been drinking when I came up with it, since it�s scribbled on a cocktail napkin from the Harp in the bartender�s lipstick.

Moving on, I couldn�t help but notice how your cross-town rivals have kids� entertainment in the outfield pavilions. That got me thinking � your fan base isn�t going to go for balloon animals and face-painting. What if we offered them an experience that spoke to both their lifestyle and their love for the Dodgers? That�s right! How about we offer to give the first 200 fans a tattoo tear for each time the Dodgers traded away a future all-star for a handful of magic beans? What�s that? The human body can only handle about three hours under the tattoo gun in one sitting? Damn.

Let�s what else we�ve got in the notes� Lobby Selig for four strike rule� Have Petraeus testify that if the season is extended to 600 games you�ll win the wild card� Ah, here we go.

Now, I know that you and the Mister feel strongly about keeping names off the backs of jerseys to protect the innocent. And I know that what I�m suggesting revisits a moment in Dodger history some would like to forget, but bear with me. Are you ready to give millions of SoCals what they�ve been aching for since a certain NFL franchise let go of their star receiver? Are you ready to take the Next Great Dodger Marketing Idea straight to the bank?! Jamie McCourt, I give you THE KEVIN BROWN THROW BACK JERSEY! I don�t want to over promise on this, but if you�re willing to go with gothic lettering, I think I can guarantee a quarter of a million units shipped by Christmas. I take 15% of the licensing and Grady comes over to wash my car on Sundays. Do we have a deal?