The Best Post Ever Written for THN*

Fletch here. Remember me? I mostly stick to writing about movies over at Blog Cabins (and comments here), but I just couldn't resist writing this rant the other day, and I knew Adam could use a day off, so I sent it his way. Luckily, the Godfather approved it. Now sit back and enjoy the history being made.

Over the past few weeks and months, I've toyed with the idea of setting up a blog called Instant History. See, during that time, there have been a few events (the Bulls-Celtics series, LeBron James' Game 2 ending 3-pointer) that have made many in the media go batsh*t crazy, calling whatever just happened "the best ____ to ever happen!"

February's Super Bowl between the Cardinals and the Steelers? You guessed it - possibly the best ever! George W. Bush? "The worst President ever!" Some random performance by a golfer shooting 60 - best ever!

Now I'm no historian, and as you might tell by my movie tastes, I'm certainly not one of those people that claims that everything that happened in the past is better just because it happened in the past. Fact is, these things were made for arguing - no one can ever be right because I'm afraid we can't actually have a 30-year old Michael Jordan and today's Kobe Bryant go out on the court and play one-on-one. Just like no one can honestly say if one series of seven NBA playoff games played in 2009 is better than some series played in 1982, or whatever. So why the endless hyperbole and focus on whatever the flavor of the month is? Up may be great, but I better not hear anyone calling it the "best animated movie ever" (or even in Pixar's ouevre), without at least a few years in which to give perspective. Just call it really good and get it over with.

The latest chapter in this annoying saga is different, but still the same. The San Francisco Giants Randy Johnson just won his 300th game last week, becoming just the 24th pitcher in major league history to do so. Truly an impressive feat, and something that's happened only a handful of times over the last few decades. Helping those dwindling numbers is the style of baseball played over that time, in which we've seen starting pitchers throw for fewer overall starts and fewer innings per start. Not many current active players are projected to even come close to 300 wins, much less reach it.

So what does this mean? Obviously, according to several sources, that WE WILL NEVER SEE ANOTHER 300 GAME WINNER!

Really?? Never? Are you sure you want to use that word? Be my guest and say something along the lines of "it's likely that we won't see another player reach 300 wins in our lifetime." That's perfectly plausible, if not likely. But never's a mighty long time, and the arrogance it takes to claim that something will never be seen again, just because the current landscape doesn't project it, appalls me. Who's to say that baseball doesn't at some point revert back to a 4-man rotation, thus giving pitchers 5-8 more starts per year? Who's to say that average pitch counts don't rise up yet again when someone realizes that "100 pitches" means nothing in terms of long-term pitcher health when compared to, say, 125 pitches? Who's to say that MLB doesn't (god forbid) lengthen the season to 184 games in 2085? And, most likely (and the thing I'd really like to see), who's to say that some phenom (perhaps the one getting a ton of buzz for the 2009 draft) doesn't barnstorm through MLB hitters like Tiger Woods did the PGA and win 20 games a year for his first 7 years?

No one knows the future. Truth is, we MIGHT NEVER SEE ANOTHER 250 GAME WINNER! But I sure as hell don't want to make that claim with the only assurance I have being that no one will remember what I wrote and when I wrote it. Why are so many others so quick to?

And hey - no stealing my Instant History blog idea - that thing's gold.

Don't hate the DP

Fletch is back with a short take full of hate - he usually writes much shorter in the comments section here and much longer over at Blog Cabins.

I'll never understand why people hate on Dan Patrick. He's light years ahead of every other sports talk radio show host out there. While the local guys can't stop talking about the local teams for more than two minutes (because Arizona Cardinal talk is so thrilling), and Rome (while often entertaining) can't stop pausing to talk every now and then, Patrick ran an intelligent, funny, A-list show over at ESPN. Now he's gone, and in the meantime, here are just a couple of the things radio hosts and broadcasters do that piss me off:

* The letter "a." Yep, that single letter manages to piss me off on more occasions that I care to recall. See, for some reason, somewhere along the way during the past twenty years (I can't pin down the date), broadcasters and talking heads got it into their skulls that it wasn't just enough to "lose [Player X] to an injury." No, now all anyone ever says is how terrible it is to "lose A [Player X] to injury." Not making sense? "Well let me tell you, when you have a Brett Favre on your team, you know what you're gonna get week in and week out."

WTF?

There's more than one Favre in the NFL? I was not aware of this. Unless we're talking about Steve Smith or Anthony Thomas or the like, there's no reason to place that goddamn "a" there. Or at the least add "player like," as is "when you lose a player like Steven Jackson." Thanks.

* Now, I like to perform a radio show interview with you - please play along.

"When you made that dash to the hoop in the third quarter, you seemed to really freeze out the defenders. Talk about what was going on in your head as that play unfolded."

"Tell us about your foundation for autistic monkeys and all the work you've been doing there."

"The hours leading up to a playoff game like the one you just played in can be hectic and nerve-wracking. Describe for us what goes on in the locker room and what Coach Z was telling you guys."

Call me anal or a stickler, but where the f*ck are the questions? Yeah, I know throwing a simple "Can you" onto some of those may officially make them questions, but that seems a minor technicality. This is what passes for journalism these days? Okay, using "journalism" may be a bit generous there -- this is what passes for entertainment?

There's a reason that segments from Dan Patrick's show were cut and pasted into the back page of ESPN the Mag every other week -- they were interesting and often funny. Dan knew how to conduct an interview, and how to ask probing questions, whether in a serious or playful mood. Athletes have to be considered the worst interview subjects on the planet as it is, what with not wanting to offend anyone or provide bulletin board material, so why make them any duller by asking lame, cliched "questions?"

Patrick's new show starts Monday -- I'll be listening.

Worldwide Loser

Fletch is back with a short take full of hate - he usually writes much shorter in the comments section here and much longer over at Blog Cabins.

Yea, I get it. It's a slow sports month.

Still, I don't need ESPN acting like their prize writer Bill Simmons. How else to explain the nonstop insanity of being pounded over the head with the news of the Phillies' 10,000th loss on Sunday? Obviously, like Simmons likes to say, they must have found a way to "wager on things like the Phils will be the first professional sports team to notch 10k in the loss column," because they won't shut the hell up about it.

Amongst the idiocy of the whole "event," not much tops talking heads interviewing current Phils players about "the significance" of the 10,000th loss. Heck, even Harry Kalas, the team's broadcaster for some 40+ years even said that he has been with the team for only 2900 or so of them - how can anyone in their right mind expect Ryan Howard or Aaron Rowand to give a crap? They haven't even been alive as long as Kalas has been broadcasting, much less playing for the Phils long enough to endure even 1/10th of the losses.

More to the point, this reminds me of New Year's Day. Every year, we're all supposed to celebrate the fact that the calendar changed from one day to the next. Outside of an excuse to drink, why am I supposed to care? It happens every day for christ sakes. So, along those lines, why cheer (or celebrate) the inevitability of a team losing a randomly picked, celebrated number? Was there hullabaloo about 8000 or 9000? I don't recall. Also, will we be able to avoid the news when the Braves hit 10,000 in 4 or 5 years (currently at 9,681, the Braves look to be the next team to hit five digit losses)?

Sure, the Phils, despite their long history, are indeed grand losers, as their .468 winning percentage clearly demonstrates. However, they're not even baseball's worst. That honor goes (naturally) to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who should be proud to be baseball's only franchise with a sub-.400 percentage. Additionally, the Padres, Rangers and Rockies all rock worse ratios. So, hold your heads up high, Phils fans; at least your team got featured on a Sunday night game. Not everyone can be so lucky to have Joe Morgan drone on about your team for three hours. The D-Rays would be jealous.

Smashed Grapes Entering Water Supply in Phoenix

Everyone's favorite investigative reporter, Fletch, is back, and this time I brought some hate with me to the picnic.

As a resident of Phoenix, I can't help but think my taste buds are betraying me. After all, the water coming out of my tap doesn't taste any different (I think - people in Phoenix don't actually drink their tap water, lest they desire a case of Montezuma's Revenge.). But if I didn't know better, the city was mixing in wine with the normal dosage of H2O and other various vitamins and minerals. The reason I can't help but think this is that some of the biggest names in sports in the Valley of the Sun have turned into whining ninnies. To wit:

In the April 23 issue of ESPN The Magazine, Shawn Marion was quoted as saying "I want the recognition. I feel I've done what it takes to get it, but for some reason it hasn't happened." This comes from a gentlemen who earned more than 15 million in 2007 and is a veteran of four All-Star games. He also said "Steve is the MVP of the league but I've had people tell me I am the MVP of the team." Whatever that means. Shawn - I hereby award you some brie.



Fast forward to the June 18 issue of the same magazine. The issue is titled "Revenge of the Jocks" and features a number of articles written by various athletes, telling us all how miserable (yet thankful) they are. The cover is graced by Arizona Cardinal QB Matt Leinart - in the photo, he is tearing up a mock previous issue, also with him on the cover and stating "Leinart plummets in the draft." Inside, we get an article written by Matt in which his sole purpose as a "reporter" is to attend the owners' meetings in Phoenix and ask various coaches why they passed on him in the draft last year. "Coach Fisher...we bonded. I loved Nashville. Why did you cost me money?" "Coach Mangini...I love NY. Why did you cost me money?" Cry me a river, Matt - no one forced you to enroll in ballroom dancing class - you are now the proud recipient of feta.

The last entry is open to interpretation, so Randy Johnson will only get some Kraft Parmesan for his troubles. In fact, Randy has plenty of reasons why he didn't fly with the Diamondbacks for their latest road trip. The guy had just pitched the night before, he's in his mid-60s, he's angrier than Gargamel, and oh yeah, he's earned it. If he doesn't want to travel for a trip that he won't be pitching on, he should be able to with no questions asked.

Except one. As it turns out, both of the times Randy has neglected to join the team on a road trip, the D-Backs were headed to New York. That's right - the same New York that Randy made friends with his first day in town after signing with the Yankees a few years back. Coincidence? I don't know - maybe he just doesn't like the wine they serve there.

Sports Movie UMVPs

When Adam asked me to write something for THN, I was honored at first, then excited, then a bit terrified. After all, even though I'm a sports fan, I'm nowhere near the fanatic (or writer) that many sports bloggers are. Also, I write a blog that is 94% about movies, 3% about other pop culture happenings, and 3% sports (maybe). So there was certainly a challenge to writing something in my strengths to a sports-demanding audience.

Then again, there are a whole lot of movie fans out there, and there are a whole lot of sports films to admire and/or mock (and sometimes both at the same time).

I thought I'd start by handing out some kudos to some of the unheralded sports movie characters (or actors). Sure, everyone talks about how Kevin Costner was great in Bull Durham and that Tim Robbins throws like a girl, or that Chevy Chase and Rodney Dangerfield owned Caddyshack, but what about Brian Doyle-Murray? Let's pat some backs...

Jay Tarses, "Coach Bobby Flinstock," Teen Wolf
Amongst these guys, he's the MVP. One quote says it all:
"There are 3 rules that I live by: never get less than 12 hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

Brian Doyle-Murray, "Lou Loomis," Caddyshack
Chevy, Rodney, and younger brother Bill get all the attention here, but Brian (who co-wrote Caddyshack with Harold Ramis) deserves a lot of the credit for the success of the movie. Aside from writing it, he was the official during the finale and also told a kid to "pick up that blood." Classic.


Omar Epps, "Willie Mays Hayes," Major League II
No, he didn't originate the role, but as the only major character in the sequel to Major League to be played by someone else, Epps had some large shoes to fill. And he does what amounts to a great impersonation of Wesley Snipes. Unfortunately for Omar, that kind of laid out a pattern for his career - picking up the slop that Wesley didn't want. Though I guess with a steady gig on House, Omar's probably not too concerned with that these days (where'd Wesley go, anyway?).


Jimmy Fallon, "Ben Wrightman," Fever Pitch
Coming off the wildly successful Taxi, Fallon stepped into the batter's box and nailed one out of the park with this Farrelly brother-directed ode to the Red Sox. Showing such great chemistry with co-star Drew Barrymore, Jimmy --
(Gotcha.)


Scott Caan, "Charlie Tweeder," Varsity Blues
I'm not interested in Billy Bob Thornton and Friday Night Lights - I want to see James Van Der Beek tell his dad, "I don't want...your life!" Meanwhile, Scott Caan steals all of his scenes with his sheer obnoxiousness and bizarre brand of machismo, highlighted by this throwaway sequence between Van Der Beek's "Mox" and "Tweeder":
Mox: Tweeder, you think you'll enjoy prison?
Charlie Tweeder: [not paying attention] I don't know. [looks up]
Charlie Tweeder: What?

Kelly Preston, "Avery Bishop," Jerry Maguire
"Don't...ever...stop...f*cking...me!!!"

'Nuff said.







Allen Covert, "Otto," Happy Gilmore
Long before he became officially known as "one of Adam Sandler's buddies that appears in all his movies," Covert's homeless man plucked from the street to be Happy's caddy practically stole all of his Gilmore scenes, despite barely uttering a word the whole time. Gold.




Bolo Yeung, "Chong Li," Bloodsport
You'd think that playing the lead villain in one of the most enjoyable guilty pleasure films of all time would have made Yeung a star in America - after all, the guy was in Enter the Dragon some 15 years (!) earlier. But no, while Jackie Chan crossed over to fame, fortune, and a horrible franchise with Chris Tucker, Bolo was relegated to being Van Damme's nemesis in Double Impact. Ouch.