Greetings from Sick City

Julia picked up a bug from the ol' germ factory (aka daycare), which is why I've been too busy to blog until today.

Reading is fundamental (a fact I learned from watching TV), and Sunday night I was so absorbed in finishing off "All the Stars Came Out That Night" (a novel imagining a secret all-star game between Major League and Negro League ballplayers in 1934) that I didn't see anything but "West Wing." (Short version on that: Santos' speech was a nice piece of writing by Debra Cahn, but I thought the direction of the scene was pretty sledge hammery, especially the slow clap at the end. Only underdog sports movies should have slow claps.)

So the next morning, I was about 15 minutes into the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" season finale when my friend Phil called. Since we talk about "Curb" ever Monday morning, I quickly told him where I was in the episode. He paused and said, "Finish it and call me. Trust me: you'll need to call me." The man was right; when they cut from Larry being wheeled into surgery to Larry on his deathbed (with a brief stop for Richard Lewis in paradise), I said, "Holy shit, it's the series finale and Larry kept it a secret from everyone!" The Larry-as-gentile montage and the brief stop in Heaven weren't enough to redeem this lousy season, but had Larry stayed dead, I would have considered it one of the more perfect series finales ever. Instead, they brought him back to life and left things open for more seasons. Sigh... (In today's column, I write a little more about this, including a comment from HBO about the show's status.)

"Grey's Anatomy" is so consistent in both its goodness and what makes it good that I don't have much to say about the latest episode. That brings me to the bittersweet return of "Arrested Development" and "Kitchen Confidential" last night. I'd already seen the next three of the latter (I wrote about 'em in yesterday's column), and while this wasn't my favorite of those three, Jim's shell-shocked recounting of being beaten by the Frenchmen ("they were all smoking...") makes me laugh every time I see it.

"Arrested," meanwhile, finally, finally figured out what to do with Charlize Theron, right as she was leaving. Yeah, maybe her earlier episodes will be funnier in retrospect when I watch the DVD collection, but this was a joke they should have revealed at the end of her first episode, not her fourth. Best gags:

• George Michael's video opening with the familiar footage of his lightsaber practice, followed by him mumbling that he should probably invest in a second tape;
• The pixellation of Buster's stump;
• Tobias' paralysis (and it's been so long since the last episode that I can't even remember if this was set up previously);
• Rita diving into bed like a five-year-old after Michael promised sexual relations after the wedding;
  
• The "Being There" homage at the end, followed by one of the greatest "Next... on Arrested Development" sequences ever. ("Why can't I go into the pool?!?!?!!?")

Excuse me. I have to go smear blue handprints on my walls, then wipe a runny nose.

Chargers v. Raiders Running Diary

Having the Raiders come to the Murph on a Sunday night afford us the opportunity to sit at home and listen to ESPN's Sunday Night crew. A Sunday night game is normally viewed in a loud bar so you cannot hear the announcers. But some columnist have made a career from ripping announcers and writing a running diary, so why not try to cash in?

But be careful, those vodka Gibsons can start to really pile up after a while. So here are random thoughts and observations from the Sunday night game, without having to fear for our lives down in San Diego.

The opening montage centers on the Chargers and treats the Raiders as an afterthought. It seems like ESPN struggles to throw the Raiders a bone by saying that it is a rivalry game, so anything can happen. This cannot be good.
Marty Schottenheimer is leading the cheers before kickoff, �One play at a time.� You might be hard pressed to find anybody who hates the Raiders more than Marty.

• There is nothing like seeing the Raiders in their white uniforms. It will always remind me of Super Bowl XXXVII�one of my favorite days as an NFL football fan. To be at that event�sitting next to the GM�s sister�was one of the coolest things, ever.

• Lamont Jordan, according the graphic they just showed, should reach 1,000 rushing yards for the season. And Marcus Allen only did this three times in his career? And he is in the Hall of Fame? If somebody has a reasonable explanation for this we would love to hear it.

• You can hear the Raiders fans noticeably on their field-goal yielding drive. How many fans simply won�t go to Raiders games? There is something to be proud of Raiders fan.
  

• The Raiders stopped LaDainian Tomlinson on his first carry. Surprised they do not want to stop the clock and get the game ball.

• Damn, LT just punked a Raiders defensive back with a stiff arm. LT throws the meanest stiff arm since Emmitt Smith. Nah, LT is way meaner. LT looks pissed at the Raiders. This is cool.
  

• Trading field goals suck. This cannot end well.

• Well maybe if the opposing QB was not Kerry Collins. Nothing is better than watching him take a horrific, drive-killing, take-his-team-out-of-field-goal-range sack.

• The camera just panned to Randy Moss. Dude look like he could walk off the field at any moment.

• Paul McGuire just said that the media has made Moss look like a bad guy. Yeah, it was the media that ran over a meter maid, squirted water on a ref, bailed early on his team against Washington, admitted that he still smoked pot, etc. As McGuire said, it is not fair to compare Moss and Terrell Owens. The enigmatic Eagles receiver at least gave his all on every play. Quit blaming the media (which the Sunday Night crew is a part of).

• It is not great to see your team punt, but a 71-yard boot is pretty cool.

• Norv Turner was asked how he keeps his team motivated while it has been eliminated from the playoffs. If anybody should be an expert on motivating his team after being eliminated from the playoffs, it is Norv Turner. He has had enough experience.

• Joe Theismann just said that Moss is faking his injury. He then followed it up by saying, "And I should know, my wife has been faking it for years."

• Shawne Merriman is eventually going to have a Lawrence Taylor/Theismann moment on a quarterback.

• Jenny just asked why Bo Jackson�s number 34 has not been retired. Great point, but the Raiders do not retire numbers. How could you not love a girl that comes up with that point?
  

SECOND QUARTER

• We just received a letter from Mr. Theisman�s lawyer in San Diego, Mr. Williams, to stop inferring that the former Redskins quarterback�s wife if faking it during sex. When you have to consult a lawyer because of what somebody has said about you on the Internet, you are a loser.

• Do the Raiders have an assistant coach under 60?

• The Chargers are challenging the Antonio Gates touchdown catch. It is a touchdown. Bill Vinovich is the best referee in the NFL. Sorry Ed Hochuli, but Vinovich owns you. Dude sees something on the replay and he calls it. So many other officials would have said it was inconclusive in order to not show up a fellow official. Great work.

• Lamont Jordan is on the sidelines saying, �It is on me,� following a fumble. No kidding. Who else put the rock on the ground? Why does Jordan need to reiterate that point? We all saw the fumble.
  

• The Raiders just tied the score, 10-10. The Raiders fans celebrate like it is the Super Bowl. Make your own joke here.

• Keenan McCardell made his 800th reception. If Tim Brown goes into the Hall of Fame, so should McCardell. Both are unspectacular receivers that have been good for a long time. Anybody want to dispute that?

� LT looks to be hurt. No matter, Michael Turner runs for a touchdown, 17-10 Chargers. Look for the Raiders to trade a high draft pick for Tuner next year. Hey, the Raiders love those backup running backs. How many fantasy owners are pissed right now?

� Horrible squib kick. The Raiders have a chance to get into field-goal range. Oakland lines up for a 61-yard attempt. Sorry Janikowski, it is no good. Not a great half for the Chargers. They should be treating the Raiders like a baby treats a diaper.

HALFTIME

• Tim Brown�s lawyer in San Diego sends a letter to cease and desist with the slander. Hey, he was the one that sucked, not me.

• Schottenheimer uses only one clich� in his halftime interview. Great hard-hitting interview there Suzy Kobler. Way to get to the bottom of that LT injury. The only thing that could spice this up would be a drunken John Hadl and Jack Kemp fighting over who gets to kiss her. Schottenheimer should have pulled a Pete Carroll here and said that he was not going to let up on the Raiders and he wanted to embarrass the team.

• We get it�the Chargers have to win this game. Let�s drive this point home a few more times. Hey, LT is back. Not to go Tony Siragusa on you, but these Jose Ole tacos are great.
  

• Finally a penalty and it is not against a Raider. Who would have thought? But there have likely been 50 Raiders fans arrested already. Still, Vinovich's crew deserves to be recognized for not becoming bigger than the game. We need more refs like this.
  

• The NBA scrawl on the ESPN board reminds us that the NBA is still in season. The Lakers are losing to the Bobcats. Who the hell are the Bobcats? This cannot be good. Steve Bisheff will likely have a column this week saying it is not good to lose (to what I assume) to an expansion team.

• Bobcats?

• Drew Brees is making some amazing plays. Touchdown San Diego! They do not play the Chargers disco song enough. It is a crime.
  

• Hey, the Lions are up next week. There is a reason why we rarely see the Sunday Night game. Isn't one Thanksgiving game enough?
  

• The Raiders go three-and-out following a Chargers touchdown. San Diego needs a touchdown to put this away. The Raiders are doing a good job on LT, but McCardell is picking up huge third downs. Charges punch one in here and it is over.

FOUTH QUARTER

• It�s a field goal. Oh well, it is probably keeping Chargers fans alive. Raiders fans are probably getting stabby right now. But they will stay cool as long as the Raiders are still in the game.
  

• Collins just missed a wide-open Bhawoh Jue for an interception. Collins is 0-for-7. Nice punt Lechler. This Raiders team is horrible.

• Schottenheimer just called Brees, �Joe Montana-like.� We need to slow down on the hyperbole just a bit. Only four Super Bowls to go. Montana-like Brees just goes three-and-out from the Raiders 40. So much for that.

• Collins completed a pass!

• Clinton Hart just returned a Collins pass for a touchdown, 34-10 Chargers. Oh no Chargers fans, make a run for it now. Do not use the restrooms, do not hang out anywhere, just go. Bail. It is time to make a run for your life. Some poor Chargers fan is going to lose his life.

• Damn, just got a note from Raiders fans lawyer. Sorry.
  

• Hey the Bengals finally beat an actual NFL team. This actually helps the Chargers if they can stay one game ahead of the Steelers. What a bad loss that was.
  

• The Sunday Night crew is making excuses for the Raiders. C�mon, this is a bad team with a bad quarterback and a bad coach. There is nothing that could have saved them.

• The Raiders are officially eliminated from the playoffs and we did not have to deal with Raiders fans. It was a win-win. Plus there is still some vodka left in the freezer.

• Oh damn, Mack Brown's lawyer wants to talk. Oh well, carry on the conversation in the Hater Nation forums. Thanks for those who came by during Raiders week. We did record numbers (outside of the Panthers cheerleader days) so thank all of you that stopped by.

Texas Coach Shocks the World

AUSTIN The University of Texas has accepted an invitation to participate in the Holiday Bowl, bypassing an opportunity to play the University of Southern California in the Rose Bowl for the national championship. The Longhorns (12-0) earned the Rose Bowl berth by virtue of defeating Colorado High School, 70-3 in the Big XII championship game.

Texas coach Mack Brown stunned the media, alumni, and fans when he opted for the lower-tier bowl. Brown said it made perfect sense for his team and, in the long run, would make a more prudent decision.

�We have had such a great season, beating Oklahoma and finally winning the Big XII championship,� Brown said. �To end it with a humiliating defeat to USC would just put a damper on the whole thing. I have the psyche of my kids to think about. Look what happened to Oklahoma after they got snot-kicked by the Trojans last year. I want to avoid that.�

The players, led by Vince Young, were at first shocked by the coach�s decision, but eventually came to understand Brown�s rational. Young said that after watching USC dismantle two teams ranked in the Top 25 in consecutive games, it gave him some perspective on the type of team that USC is.

And more impotantly, what type of team Texas is not.

�Look at the teams we have played,� Young said. �We have played the equivalent of an NAIA schedule. Who have we beaten? Ohio State? They are miserable, too. We have no big wins on our schedule so it makes sense that we would take the easy way out in the Holiday Bowl. And hey, if somebody can beat USC in the Rose Bowl, we could slide into that top spot.�

As for the Heisman trophy, Young has conceded that, too.

�Reggie Bush should be one, two, and three on everybody�s ballot,� Young said. �Even if they had a Heisman for quarterbacks only like coach Brown suggested, I would still finish third behind (Matt) Leinart and Brady (Quinn).

�If they invite me to New York, I will turn down the invitation. It would be embarrassing to even be there.�