The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. You know the drill by now, hopefully - my name is Ted, I normally write over here, but on Wednesdays I come and absolutely befoul Adam's work with some unfunny ramblings of my own. CAPPY says something, no one listens, and then a bunch of other people disparage me, but I keep coming back. Socialism is a wonderful thing.

Michael Vick

Last time I called a person "Ookie" was some girl right before I spooged on her nose, which is kinda like what the world is doing to Michael Vick right now.

Tim Donaghy

Do you get the feeling he met the mob like Bart met Fat Tony, because one of the Gambinos heard that he makes an excellent Manhattan? There's no doubt - which leads you to wonder, when the FBI comes to Stern and says, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about one of your refs taking bets on games, would you?", does Stern reply, "What's a game?" I promise that's my only Simpsons plug. I wish I had friends, though. I really want to see that movie without the retarded ticket taker laughing at me for being alone on a Friday night.

The Tour De France

If I had a gun with two bullets and was standing in front of any cycling executive, Hitler, and Mussolini, I'd shoot the cycling executive once, then shoot myself for good measure.

Barry Bonds

The only chase more boring than this - and with as many convoluted subplots - was that ridiculous 1994 movie of the same name ("The Chase") with Charlie Sheen. How can you have a movie with Kristy Swanson circa 1994 - post-Buffy, but pre-Big Daddy - and not force her to do nudity? That's as abjectedly preposterous as a nation gripped by the switching of a prized national record to an twice-dumb cheater. Oh, shite...

USA Basketball

All this Vegas stuff is well and good, but I can't wait until we lose in the quarters in Beijing to a team from a nation without access to nylon, leather, wood, or sneakers.

Lindsay Lohan

The Sun claims she made a bet with friends claiming she could get David Beckham in the sack. I really think she'd have more to discuss with Dwight Gooden, but maybe my over-reliance on conversation is what's been holding me back all these years. It could be that I'm morbidly obese and socially retarded, but easy answers never did it for me.

Arthur Blank

Look, buddy - if I have to put up with your sub-par Home Depot f'n door hinges and your surly, smoked-out teenage suburbanite staff who wouldn't know where to find a bag of sod if it bit 'em in the ass, can you at least put the dog killing bastard out to pasture for me?

Ian Johnson

"Relationships based on intense experiences never work out." - Speed. Guess he's screwed.

Randy Johnson

His career might be toast. It's a shame, really, because when you have a roided-up asshole who explodes at the press about to hold a cherished record, the thing you want in concert with that is a camerman-shoving bigot leading a team to the NL wild card. It's like Martin and Lewis, only without an annoying telethon.

Randy Shannon

... says there's "no reason" the Hurricanes can't win the ACC. Yea, and see, there's technically no reason CAPPY can't eventually move into manhood in the Biblical sense. A lot of things in this world take patience, the hand of God, and Lamar Thomas coming down in the elevator to 'get in that thang.'