The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haters (whatever happened to CAPPY, by the way? What sub-terranean porn production palace is he operating out of these days?). It's Ted back again, to attempt to amuse but probably just irritate, with another edition of The Mid Week Malaise.

Michael Vick

With the possible exception of Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen circa Men at Work, have you ever known two more absolutely messed-up brothers?

The Atlanta Falcons

Consult the picture for an indication of your future.

Bobby Petrino

Let's pause for a moment here. You could have coached a senior Brian Brohm in a conference with only 1 other good team, and been the darling of the national media, chatting it up with Erin Andrews weekly. Now you may be starting DJ Shockley on a team with a defense about 2.5 notches above swiss cheese, and a giant Doberman-shaped cloud is hanging over your head. You make me feel so much better about every piss-poor decision I've ever made, although I realize you weren't the one who handed me the bong at post-prom.

Daunte Culpepper

That 'arm roll' thing he does is about to become the sports socio-cultural equivalent of Herman's Head.

Billy Beane

A's have dropped nine in a row. At least he has solace in the fact that he's probably the only GM in the game who could go to the bar with his players and bag the most attractive girl there that night. OK, maybe Bill Bavasi.

College Football Media Days

What do teams like UConn say at these things? "Yea... um... well.... you know.... like.... Coach Calhoun is just backstage, if you want us to get him...."

Phil Mickelson

If you think there's no way Mickelson could out-choke Van De Velde at the British, well, apparently you haven't been watching the gradual decline of Phil. Perhaps you'd be interested in taking a lil' wager? My friend back in 2003 lost 300 dollars in 8 minutes at Bellagio. He's never gotten over it (when he left, he looked at his bill fold and declared, "Is this a wallet or a wind tunnel?" - He also can't look at synchronized fountains without having epileptic seizures). He'd probably be interested to engage in some casual gaming with you.

Doctors

"There were steroids in Chris Benoit's system." Thanks.

Barry Bonds

Bonds' quest, right now, is akin to a father speaking at a wedding. Every time a father gets up for the big speech, you hope against hope that this father, unlike every other father in the history of modern civilization, is going to say something different and unique. Then the first lame joke spills out, and everyone in the room gets thanked, and the toast is proposed prematurey, and you groan internally. Then, you get schammered so that when you see the father on the dance floor, you can tell him how great everything was and actually believe it. Bonds is like that because every night is exactly the same: great anticipation, ultimately signifying nothing. He's also like that because if one of my friends ever married his daughter and there was an off-chance Andy Van Slyke might be at the wedding, I'd probably be the dude you find passed out in a pool of his own urine under the DJ table during "Rapper's Delight."

Milwaukee Bucks

Getting f*cked by the Chinese, just like everyone who ever asked for "starch..."