The Post Mortem

Brian Urlacher is in hot water with his baby-mama for sending some obscene text messages. And not the, �What are you wearing right now� variety, either.

We are talking Alec Baldwin territory here. But that's the rub. Baldwin at least had the guts to leave a voice mail. Urlacher is sending text messages. Not the kind of menacing image you would imagine from one of the baddest dudes in the NFL. What�s the going to do next, spam her MySpace page? Maybe he can send out a scathing bulletin to really get his point across.

Bears fans (like Dr. Doug) had better hope this isn't true. But since this is a slow news week, let�s break down the tape of Urlacher�s alleged messages.

�Go to hell you (fornicating) (aunt).� Not bad going for what we can only assume is the �c-word.� But damn, you don�t want to use that chip so soon.

�Grow the (fornicating) up and quit praying and get a job.� Quit praying? Why does Urlacher hate Jesus? That�s just wrong.

�You�re a (fornicating) fruit cake.� Yeah, if you are going to drop the �c-word� then fruit cake isn�t going to have the same impact.

�Your raising a little (kitty cat).� Unlike the kid's dad, who is sending text message like a preteen who has yet to fill out her training bra.

• Yes, Urlacher is bad a grammar, too. Like he�s a THN editor or something.

• So A-Rod was so upset about the Angels victory on Saturday that he said he will play in the All-Star game so Orlando Cabrera won't. That�s weak. And when will the Ervin Santana experiment end? The dude is Ramon Ortiz all over again.

• What made Roger Clemens outing on Saturday more amazing is that he got confused and actually showed up for the Old Timer�s Day, pitching three innings, before limiting the Angels to one-run in eight innings. And a special shout-out to Joe Girardi, who might not be the best broadcaster, but he was actually complimentary of the Angels. Like he was going out of his way to show that he wasn�t biased.

• Did you know that relatives of Thurman Munson and Corey Lidle performed a flyover prior to Old Timer�s Day. The flyover was a touching tribute until they crashed into the Empire State Building.

• Dice K was roughed up by the Detroit Tigers on Sunday. Wow, baseball is not so easy when you have to face lineups tougher than Tampa Bay and San Diego, huh? THN tries to be the voice of reason, but people just refuse to listen. By why let reason get in the way when you get a chance to hype the Red Sox?

• Hurry to Target to get your Chris Benoit action figures.

• Wimbledon crowned another manly winner in the winner�s division. Seems like Maria Sharapova�s victory in 2004 was only a mirage.

• Former NFLer Bill Maas was arrested after he was found with guns, drugs and a gay lover on a cross-country trip. Serves him right for trying to pass off that stupid sports phone. Hat tip: Sports Frog.

• BTW, if anybody from Sports Illustrated is reading, that note about the Munson and Lidle families is 100 percent true.

AND FINALLY

Greg Oden was whistled for 10 fouls on Saturday night but only nine fouls on Sunday. Looks like the run to be the next Joey Crawford is underway!