Next Year's Champs

The Angels don�t want to win this year. That is the only explanation for the Angels unwillingness to deal for Mark Teixeira. The holdup in the deal is prized rookie Brandon Wood (right), a can't miss prospect in the mold of Dallas McPherson and the apple of Bill Stoneman's eye.

You remember McPhereson, right? He was the guy the Angels had to rush to the majors, pushing Troy Glaus and a shot at the 2005 World Series out the door. The inability to include Wood in a potential probably cost the Angels the World Series this year.

The common refrain is that trading Casey Kotchman, Joe Saunders and Brandon Wood would create too many holes. Really, where? Teixeira starts at first base. Dustin Mosely takes Saunders spot in the rotation. Then just roll the dice with Nick Adenhart at the final spot of the rotation. He can�t be worse than Ervin Santana. Besides, the playoff rotation is set with John Lackey, Kelvim Escobar and Jered Weaver. The Angels line-up needs some punch, and having a 1b/3b combination with a combined 10 home runs isn't going to get it done.

Instead, the Angels are left adjusting their cups while the rest of the American League gets better. They might as well change the phrase from Standing Pat to Standing Bill. The Angels GM is like that fantasy baseball owner in your league that demands a king's ransom, but it unwilling to part with anything of value.

Oh well, there's always next year.

Freaks and Geeks Rewind: Looks and Books

Spoilers for the "Freaks and Geeks" episode "Looks and Books" coming up just as soon as I scarf down an entire mall pretzel...

In my review of the "Freaks and Geeks" pilot, I wrote that the series was, "at heart, a show about identity, how the hellfire of high school forges one for everybody, and how hard some people try to craft a new one for themselves." Though "Looks and Books" isn't one of my favorite episodes (mainly because of the Sam storyline, which I'll discuss more below), it's still one of the purest distillations of that theme. Sam tries on a new identity, Lindsay retreats to the comfort of an old one, and both Weir siblings discover that it's not as easy to change (or change back) as they had hoped.

The first half of the season charted Lindsay's assimilation into the freak world, with her parents' unease over this shift an ongoing issue. Harold and Jeans' distrust of the freaks came to the forefront in "The Diary" when they briefly forbade her from hanging out with Kim, and it takes over the discussion here after Daniel talks Lindsay into borrowing her mom's car to pick up some amps for a Creation gig and Lindsay gets into a fender bender because she's too distracted by the freaks.

I feel like I gave Joe Flaherty and Becky Ann Baker short shrift for their performances in "The Diary," so let me say a few words about them here. The scene where Harold tears into Lindsay is a spectacular display of pain and rage, perfectly played by Flaherty, Baker and Linda Cardellini. When Harold tells Lindsay, "I could send my own daughter to jail, you know that?," it's a line that's not dissimilar to all his "You know what happened to her? She died!" comic rants from the early episodes, but there is absolutely nothing funny about what's being said here. Flaherty just seems so defeated, so afraid for his daughter -- which is the main difference between Harold and someone like Cookie Kelly, in that he gets mad out of love and she gets mad out of bitterness -- and his mood is so completely atypical from how he carries himself in the rest of the series that, even if Lindsay hadn't already made up her mind to ditch the freaks, I imagine his expression would have scared her straight.

After a visit by a concerned Millie designed to remind both Lindsay and us that Millie is awesome, Lindsay digs through her closet to find an outfit from her goodie-goodie Mathlete days. When Lindsay appears in the kitchen with her hair neatly styled and her wardrobe conservative and ladylike (no Army jackets to be found), Jean is overwhelmed with relief. And yet -- and here's the brilliance of both Jean as a mom and Baker as an actress -- you can see just the slightest hint of ambivalence on her face, as if Jean knows this is too extreme a reaction, and/or that even though this is what she and Harold have been hoping for, Lindsay had seemed pretty happy with her new friends...

...whom Lindsay proceeds to forcefully tell off when they approach her at school like nothing traumatic happened, or like they're completely blameless in the crash. She tells them to go to Hell, that she's sick of them getting her in trouble, that Daniel's menstruation jokes are lame ("It's hard to pick up on the subtlety of your wit"), and in case they had any doubt about her feelings, says, "I'm tired of you using me. You're the most selfish people I've ever met in my life. I know you don't care about being smart or going to school or anything else, but just because your lives are such lost causes, don't keep assuming that mine is."

While Lindsay's outburst doesn't particularly phase Ken (he's never liked her) or Nick (he's delusional enough to think she's still mad about their break-up), it shakes up Kim and, especially, Daniel. It's one thing for him to think of himself as a lost cause, quite another to hear that sentiment expressed by the nicest, smartest person he knows.

The Mathletes -- with the exception of bitchy Shelly Weaver, who has assumed Lindsay's position as "first bloc" and likes telling jokes about Lindsay's freak pals -- welcome Lindsay back with open arms. Mr. Kowchevski briefly tries to play fair and bench Lindsay in favor of girls who've been practicing all year, but when Lindsay gets fed up with Shelly's arrogance and demands to have her spot back, he relents to give the team a better shot against Lincoln.

To Lindsay's shock and dismay, though, the person she winds up bumping isn't Shelly, but Millie. Millie tries to take it like a champ because she cares more about Lindsay and the team than she does about herself, but eventually confesses that she's mad about being cut. This only stokes Lindsay's competitive fires -- a side of her we never saw as a freak, and something that helps explain why she sounds so unhappy whenever discussing her Mathlete days -- even more. Now it's not enough for her to win; she has to make Shelly look bad in the process. Even Jean notices after a while, asking Lindsay, "Are you having fun?"

While Lindsay's embodying the "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing" philosophy, Daniel's turning seriously introspective, wondering if maybe he should aspire to more in life than being the head burn-out. While patrolling the school grounds, he notices Harris absorbed in a Dungeons & Dragons manual. (Foreshadowing: Harris suggests Daniel would make a good dungeonmaster.) Daniel asks Harris what he thinks of him, whether Harris views Daniel as a loser. Harris, assured that he's not going to get beaten up for his answer, tells him, "No, you're not a loser, because you have sex. But if you weren't having sex, we could definitely debate the issue." Daniel talks about his difficulties with school and how he admires a guy like Harris who's comfortable doing his own thing without worrying what other people think about him. "You've got it pretty wired, huh?" he tells Harris. "I guess I do," Harries replies. "I don't have sex, though."

(It's a great scene for Harris, a bit less so for Daniel, in that I think he comes off as too articulate and self-aware, even for a storyline that's about him trying to challenge his own sense of identity.)

At the scrimmage with Lincoln, Lindsay generates quite the cheering section (essentially, the entire cheering section for either team), including her mom and dad and Kim, Daniel and Ken (Nick shows up briefly, then leaves because he doesn't want the freaks to know he's stalking another ex). As Lindsay displays the math chops that earned her the nickname "The Human Calculator," the freaks cheer wildly and, to Mr. Weir's surprise and confusion, hold up a new fender to replace the one that got ruined on Jean's car.

But even though Lindsay achieves the perfect outcome -- she kicks ass, the team wins and Shelly freezes up at a crucial moment -- she decides at a Mathlete slumber party that this world isn't for her anymore. As she's sneaking out to find the freaks, Millie stops her and asks whether Lindsay might still want to play Uno with her sometime, "When you've got nothing else to do?" Despite realizing that she doesn't fit in with the Mathletes anymore, the last few days have reopened Lindsay's eyes to the warm-hearted brilliance that is Millie, and she assures her they'll still be friends.

Lindsay runs off to hang out with the freaks -- who are, as part of their anti-loser crusade, preparing to go see the midnight showing of a foreign film -- but her relationship with both them and Millie is irrevocably changed after this episode. Where before Lindsay was trying too hard to fit in with her new crowd, going so far as to treat Millie (the symbol of her old life) dismissively, going forward she's more at ease with them, and with Millie. Instead of, say, walking on eggshells around Ken, she makes fun of him the way the other freaks do, and while she doesn't spend every waking minute with Millie, she also stops acting as if she's ashamed to know her.

(This also begins a new parent-child dynamic, as Lindsay temporarily has to sneak around with the freaks because of her father's ban. But we'll look at how that works down the road.)

The Sam half of the episode isn't nearly as interesting. It has a few very funny moments and it thematically parallels the Lindsay story (and sets up one of my favorite Weir moments ever, where Sam and Lindsay walk side-by-side through school with their new looks, and when Mr. Rosso compliments them, they thank him in unison), but sandwiched in between the demented comedy genius of the Bill story from "The Diary" and the devastating Neal plot from "The Garage Door," it feels slight and forgettable. (And, I should make clear, I'm judging this by "Freaks and Geeks" standards, not average high school show standards; this would easily qualify as the greatest "One Tree Hill" subplot of all time.)

Anyway, after seemingly putting a pin in the Cindy Sanders thing with "We've Got Spirit" (a wise idea, I felt, as there was nowhere to go with that storyline until the surprising turn it takes in "Smooching and Mooching"), the writers are already back to having Sam make a fool of himself to impress her.

Somehow still not understanding why Cindy likes Todd Schellenger instead of him, Sam starts taking relationship and style advice from Neal -- the only geek not to get any for the run of the series, and a kid who dresses, as Sam notes, like a ventriliquist's dummy (more foreshadowing!) -- and decides first to feather his hair, then, when Cindy fails to be impressed, to go shopping for a more contemporary wardrobe. (In one of the series' few "Didn't people look stupid back in the day?" moments, there's a camera pan through the cafeteria to demonstrate that all the "stylish" kids are wearing the ugliest shirts imaginable, while Sam's long-sleeve T is nothing to be ashamed of.)

After hitting up Harold for money and permission to go clothes shopping without his mom -- "Cut the apron strings!" Harold insists, as Jean seethes -- Sam makes mistake number two by deciding to get his extreme makeover at Silverman's, the disco polyester emporum last seen in "Carded and Discarded." In a sequence that nearly redeems the entire subplot on its own, Bill is forced to stuff an entire pretzel in his mouth to get around the store's no-food policy, and when the salesman (Joel Hodgson again) asks Sam whether he wants to be a stud or a super-stud, Bill -- his mouth full of pretzel -- urges, "Super-stud, Sam! Go for super-stud!" (Though it should go without saying at this point in the recaps: Martin Starr, brilliant.) The salesman talks Sam into buying a "Parisian night suit," a robin's egg blue jumpsuit that, as Neal correctly points out later, looks like the sort of thing old Jewish men in Ft. Lauderdale wear when they're tired of having to put on pants. Sam doesn't realize this, unfortunately, until after he's psyched himself up into super-stud mode (in a mortifying but really funny sequence that's nothing but John Daley dancing in front of a mirror and trying variations on his familiar "Oh, hi, Cindy") and entered the school in the thing.

The horrified and mocking reactions of the other students make it clear that Sam, like a member of the Bluth family, has just made a terrible mistake, and he tries to sneak out to go home and change, using the geeks (and, especially, Gordon Crisp) as cover. The school secretary catches him and forces him to go to English class, where the humiliation worsens when he's called upon to diagram a sentence at the board while all the guys cough "Homo!" (The teacher, having no clue how to talk to teenagers, tells them, "Now, Sam wearing something different to wear his individuality makes him a 'homo,' then I guess we should all be proud to be 'homos'!")

Sam tries calling home between periods, not realizing that his mom is watching Lindsay's Mathlete competition (and wouldn't that sort of thing be after school?), and is on the phone with a neighbor when Alan and his gang show up for yet another round of mockery. "Just when I think you're as queer as you can be," Alan sneers, "you go and do something queerer." Sam finally loses his temper and shoves Alan up against a locker (isn't it funny how often the geeks manage to get the upper hand with Alan, even for a moment?), and when Mr. Rosso breaks up the fight, Sam begs him for a ride home.

This leads to a half-wise, half-creepy scene at the Weir house where Mr. Rosso tries to convince Sam that it doesn't matter what other people think of him, illustrated by a story where he got humiliated -- and, it's implied, beaten (and maybe worse) -- by a bunch of rednecks at a honkytonk down South.

"It's all about confidence," Rosso tells him. "If I say I'm the coolest guy in the world, and I believe I'm the coolest guy in the world, then suddenly, I become the coolest guy in the world." That night, Neal and Bill sleep over and debate the wisdom of Mr. Rosso's words. Neal, for instance, already thinks he's cool, but no one else does -- which, Bill explains, is because he isn't. On the other hand, Bill thinks Mr. Rosso is cool and "some kind of a genius."

Again, it's not a bad subplot, but it feels like the show had already grown beyond this kind of story in the space of 10 or so episodes. If I wasn't watching the shows so closely together, I might appreciate it more.

Anyway, some other thoughts on "Looks and Books":

• Speaking of "We've Got Spirit," how much of the freaks' overzealous cheering is to show their support of Lindsay, and how much is residual hatred of anyone from Lincoln?
• More Kowchevski Vietnam imagery: When the Mathletes get all hot and bothered by the Lindsay-for-Millie substitution, he tells them, "This is just for tomorrow's scrimmage! It isn't the last chopper out of Saigon!"
• Before They Were Stars guest stars: Look closely at the Lincoln Mathlete who beats Shelly; it's Percy Daggs III. I know Wallace was supposed to be a geek before he met Veronica, but I had no idea he was this geeky.
• This episode features the first mention that Ken comes from money, and that his life plan is to wait for his father to die so he can inherit his company, sell it, and live in the tropics. In his own way, he's slumming with the freaks just as much as Lindsay is.
• The same scene also features Nick's latest life plan: he's going to be a DJ -- "and maybe, um, a lumberjack."
• It's a good Harris episode all around, not just with the Daniel heart-to-heart, but him counseling Sam on his new hairstyle and reassuring Gordon that it's okay to be big: "Besides, the world loves jolly fat guys. Burl Ives, Jackie Gleason, Raymond Burr..." (This then leads into a typical geek progression about Burr, culminating in Gordon telling the story of how he met Burr at the auto show, and how nice he was.)
• "Freaks and Geeks" was rarely a visually adventurous show, but I love director Ken Kwapis's use of the ol' deep-focus shot in the sequence where Shelly chokes. Very Frankenheimer.
  
• I really do wonder how much the Mathlete Lindsay we see here resembles the Mathlete Lindsay who existed before her grandmother died. I have a hard time reconciling this ultra-competitive hardass with the girl Millie so openly worships, but I think that's part of the point: Mathletes used to be fun for her, but now all she can think about is winning, especially if it'll show up the freaks who got her into so much trouble.

Up next (later this week, as I'm almost back on normal schedule): "The Garage Door," which turns the spotlight over to the show's two resident teenage stand-up comedians, Neal and Ken.

What did everybody else think?

Saving Grace: Oh my God, they killed...

Not a lot of comments on my first "Saving Grace" post. Is there not a lot of enthusiasm for this show because of the angel stuff? Anyway, spoilers for episode two coming up just as soon as I find a tube of glitter...

How's this for prompt service? By far my biggest complaint about the police scenes from the pilot was the presence of a stock Disapproving Black Captain, so the very kind producers end episode two with the semi-shocking death of said DBC. (He'll be replaced by Lorraine Toussaint, who I liked on Lifetime's "Any Day Now," but who I fear could become a Female Disapproving Black Captain -- two token cliches for the price of one! -- unless the writing for her is much stronger than it was for the late, unlamented Lt. Yukon.)

Beyond that, episode two was notable for its continued use of the Oklahoma locale. Last week it was the visit to the Federal Building memorial; this week it was Grace rolling up to the crime scene (at an oil rig, natch) with her deer kill strapped to her hood -- or, rather, everyone's complete non-reaction to it. The case itself wasn't particularly subtle in its parallels to Grace's situation with Ham and Butch, but at least it offered James Marsters to play a role in which he was completely unrecognizable from his days as Spike. (In case you didn't spot him -- and I'll admit that I didn't, until another critic pointed it out and I checked the DVD -- he was the dead guy's business partner.)

On the Earl front, I like how he's allowing Grace and Rhetta to learn certain facts (or not) like the lack of DNA in the saliva, then messing with their hunt by subbing in the bird feather for the angel feather Grace snatched. The scene where she visits Leon in prison suggests that Earl looks the same to everyone, which I think is a waste of a good idea. Nancy Miller, the creator, says God sends different angels to different people, depending on who they'd respond to, but Leon doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who'd give Earl the time of day if Earl were human.

I'm still not sure all the pieces fit together, but damn, Holly Hunter is interesting to watch.

What did everybody else think?

My Boys: It rubs the lotion on its skin...

"My Boys" was a show that really grew on me last season, yet I never got around to blogging on it, and I didn't have a chance to write a column about the new season due to press tour brain fatigue. Some general thoughts on the series and brief spoilers for the two new episodes coming right up...

I will never pretend that "My Boys" is a great comedy, maybe not even a very good one, but I like all the characters and it makes me laugh out loud at least two or three times an episode, which is more than I can say for more respectable comedies like "Weeds" (which I happen to like, but in an ironic detachment way).

The problems are obvious: P.J.'s sports-themed voiceovers are every bit as annoying and obvious as the Carrie Bradshaw columns that inspired them. Even if you allow for the fact that Cubs home games take place in the daytime (freeing her up for all those nighttime poker game), P.J. seems an even less credible sportswriter than Ray Barone. (Though this may be one of those things where it's more glaring to me as a journalist, the way my wife used to yell at the TV during "ER.") Wherever the show is filmed, it doesn't feel like it actually takes place in Chicago. The writers don't really know how to deal with P.J.'s hotness and her boys' attraction to same; Bobby nearly slept with her in the pilot and then it was dropped like it never happened, she and Brendan have now almost gotten together a few times and again it's being ignored, and it's been implied a few times that Kenny has a major crush on her but is too afraid to do anything about it. I'm not saying the writers need to pair her off with any of the guys, but it would be more of an issue than it is, and it's something the show tries to ignore because it would complicate the just-one-of-the-guys premise.

All of that being said, "My Boys" passes the Time Test, in that these characters (as a group, if not individually) are people I would like to hang out with in real life, and whom I enjoy inviting into my living room for an hour a week in the summer. It's a fun show, and at times (especially when Gaffigan's involved) a quite funny show, as demonstrated in both of tonight's episodes.

While the first episode has to spend a chunk of time trying to undo P.J. and Brendan's cliffhanging clinch from last season, there's a bunch of fun scenes, like the guys who got to the poker game early trying to tip off the latecomers about the condition of Kenny's girlfriend, or Mike and Kenny mapping out Bobby's entire celebrity career (complete with stupid theme song), or, especially, P.J.'s on-air, Jame Gumb-quoting meltdown, or the unlikely foursome at the bed store.

So I'll be watching this summer, and blogging at least some of the time, and as I recall from the What Do You Want? thread, at least some of you will be watching with me.

What did everybody else think?

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Chiefs

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Kansas City Chiefs.

You really have to hand it to Chiefs GM Carl Peterson for not taking this whole Larry Johnson holdout personally. Oh wait, that�s exactly what he did. Peterson, in a story that somehow slid under the radar on Friday, criticized his running back, saying that he�s not in the same class as LaDainian Tomlinson.

�Larry is a terrific back. But I don't put him in the LaDainian Tomlinson category," Peterson said. "Hopefully, he can get there, becoming a more complete back like LaDainian. This guy wants money beyond LaDainian Tomlinson. That's not going to happen with us."

Is that statement true? Of course. But that�s the kind of thing you should keep in house. And not take these things personal. Running backs holding out of training camp is as common as rookies singing college fight songs in the cafeteria. This over-reaction is similar to the snit Rich Brooks got in during his tenure with St. Louis when he traded Jerome Bettis to the Steelers. Peterson should have just taken the high road on this and not blown out his running back. Hey, at least the Chiefs coach is an even keel guy.

Or not.

This situation would be bad on a team with a solid quarterback situation. But it�s exasperated even more when you have a quarterback situation that might be worse than Oakland and the New York Jets. The Chiefs are planning to start one of the Huard brothers (like it matters which one) or Richard Todd�s younger brother. Yeah, good luck with all of that. Why don�t the Chiefs just rid themselves of any big-play receivers, too? Oh that�s right, the Chiefs haven�t had a big-play receiver since Otis Taylor. (Alright, Carlos Carson was dope.)

But who cares about all of this. The foundation of any team is the offensive line. The Chiefs have two future Pro Football Hall of Fame offensive linemen�on the recently retired list. And the team didn�t bother to address this need in free agency or in the draft.

Maybe Johnson should just take the Priest Holmes employment plan, �retiring� for a couple of years, and coming back when this team doesn�t blow.

Pour a Coors Light out

First Billy Martin, now Bill Walsh, America is losing its beer pitchmen.

John From Cincy: Get with the big and huge already

Spoilers for the latest episode of "John From Cincinnati" coming up just as soon as I organize my teddy bear collection...

Eight episodes into a ten-episode season (or, more likely, series, as I can't imagine HBO bringing this show back), I should be prepared by now for the digressions, the halting pace, the stories that come out of nowhere (and then quickly go back there) and all the other narrative oddities of Milch's latest work. Yet I keep expecting something more than (or different from) what the show is offering -- maybe because each episode offers a moment or three that suggests something grander, if not more coherent, than what we're generally getting.

Take Bill's interrogation of John. Milch has written a few thousand of them in his life. The episode's director, Jesse Bochco (son of Steven and one of the in-house directors in the final years of "NYPD Blue") has been behind the camera for a few dozen, at least. Yet somehow this felt completely new, and riveting. Of course, it featured elements you don't often see in an interrogation scene: a mentally-unstable cop who communicated telepathically with birds, a suspect who only mirrors what other people say, who maybe Jesus, and who can stab himself repeatedly in the gut and draw blood without injuring himself.

It's a hell of a scene. Bill's terrified of John and what he represents, John wants to help Bill but, as happens throughout the episode, he can't find the words to explain his meaning, and stabbing himself seems like the only way to drive home the point that he's not some kidnapper or child-molester or whatever human brand of evil everyone suspects him of being. Throughout the show, people have been unsure how to react to John and his miracles. Here, even as Butchie lists them one by one, everyone's too panicked by the "Shaun will soon be gone" message to believe there could be a higher power at work; instead, they compare him to a terrorist like Bin Laden (who himself claims to be doing the work of his god).

And what does "Shaun will soon be gone" mean, anyway? Maybe this has all been in service of making Cissy sign with the now benevolent Linc, and Shaun will be "gone" on the surfing circuit, I don't know. But I have a sinking feeling we're not going to find out nearly enough in the course of the next two episodes, not when we keep stopping for weird digressions like Barry and his teddy bear.

Some random thoughts on a random episode:

• Callback to the Sermon: "The internet is big," just like mud, fur and the stick.
• I was pretty sure that was Milch's voice on the intercom taunting Barry, and Steve Hawk's insider report at HBO.com confirms it.
• I've noted in the last few episodes that Keala Kennelly's gotten much better as an actress, but she's not so good with the monologuing.
• Unexpected levity: Butchie's "If this is an intervention, I'm clean."
• Luis Guzman has been underused, but he had a bunch of funny moments here, including Ramon's "Go, Barry, get your vision, get your number, go, go, go, Barry!" chant, his reference to Barry's man-purse, his monologue at the shuffleboard court ("Alert! Alert! Diving in! Latino verging on luck!"), and, especially, his explanation of where John came from. ("Cincinnati?")
• I'm still having a hard time reconciling Jennifer Grey as Dickstein's fiancee with the Jennifer Grey of the '80s, or even the Jennifer Grey of "It's Like, You Know..." If it wasn't for the voice, I'd refuse to believe it.

What did everybody else think?

The Post Mortem

Does Jim Leyland have Hooters stock? Because that is the only explanation possible after the Angels not only swept the Tigers, but earned free Hooters wings for those in attendance. Well, those who actually got inside to take advantage of the offer.

Hooters all over Southern California (namely Costa Mesa) were overflowing with people looking to get 10 free wings, drink four waters and then stiff a Hooters girl.

Southern Californians already have a reputation for leaving games early, and that only become exasperated when the allure of free wings is offered. Especially on Saturday when the near capacity crowd had vacated Angels Stadium by the top of the ninth inning to get some free food. When you think about the $40 you are going to throw down in accompanying beers and fries, it's not hard to see who the real winner in this thing is.

THE PERFECT STORM
Barry Bonds it going to not only break the home run record but he is going to do it at Dodger Stadium. This situation couldn�t have worked out better for Bonds who will cheered by his hated rivals.

That�s right, cheered.

Dodgers fans are long on bravado, but short on actions. Expect those hypocritical a-holes to be standing on their feet and cheering the moment Bonds breaks the record. It�s going to happen. Some portly Dodgers fans from Montebello is going to drop his all-you-can eat nachos in the right field pavilion to clap his meaty mitts in appreciation of Bonds breaking the record in Dodger Stadium.

Count on it.

• We are not even to August, yet the Brewers have already gagged their once sizeable lead in the NL Central. But do you really want Bud Selig to be rewarded by having the Brewers win? Maybe Bud (and let�s be honest, he�s still involved) should actually go out and become a buyer before the deadline to prove everybody wrong. Instead, watch the Brew Crew ship of Prince Fielder to another contender.

• No, Seth McClung does not count.

AND FINALLY
What do you do when you are suspended from the NFL? You become a professional wrestler. Pacman Jones has signed a deal to appear on television with Total Nonstop Action wrestling. That will help clean up his image. Can't wait for the obvious angle where Mike Vick does a run-in with a couple of pit bulls.

Every dragon's a little bit racist

Spoilers for "Flight of the Conchords" and "Entourage" coming up just as soon as I call in tech support...

As I often mention when discussing the problems with the Emmys, people who work in television don't spend much time watching television, yet nearly every TV person I chatted with at press tour asked me what I thought of "Flight of the Conchords" and confessed that the show was really growing on them. I don't know if it'll ever be a mainstream hit, but in terms of industry buzz, it appears to be doing well enough that I can't imagine HBO not renewing it.

And a good thing, too, because I'm not sure I can live without the minds who gave us "Albi the Racist Dragon" (now in Davey and Goliath-Vision!), Murray's lonely ode to the leggy tech support girl (in the most technically impressive video by the show's admittedly modest standards), and, especially, the sequence with Dave teaching the guys how to flip the bird, even as they protest that the gesture seems neither obscene nor appropriately bird-like. (The bird montage, oddly, went on so long that the gesture began to lose all meaning, like that time Jon Lovitz kept saying "Tartlets" on "Friends.")

I do wonder, though, whether the boys will be able to come up with enough new music for a second season, since they told me they'll have used up about 98% of their catalogue by the end of this season. But at the moment, no show makes me happier than "Conchords."

I think "Entourage" made me happy once upon a time, but I'm struggling to remember when or how. I suppose I should be happy we got a break from one-note Billy Walsh, and the scene with Ari attempting to be a good dad was unexpectedly sweet, but I'm going to be scarred for life by Drama having furry sex (and by his reference to the meanest thing he ever did to a girl), and E is just a waste of oxygen and screen time. (The funniest part of the whole episode was the preview for next week, where the lady on the phone pointed out that Eric's job is irrelevant.) This wasn't Worst. Episode. Ever. territory like, say, the tranny hooker episode, but I'm just not feeling this show at all anymore.

What did everybody else think?

The Weak Ender

When time is short, it is important to fall back on your old reliable and recurring characters. In this case, Alyssa Milano. (Sorry Kelly, maybe next time.)

Ms. Milano has been romantically linked to various Major League players, and why this is still news to some people, you never can be sure. But hey, she could be doing worse. She could be stalking them at high rates of speed up and down the streets of Santa Monica, so why she gets the bum rap will remain a mystery. (Probably because people like Jezebel are likely pushing three-bills and trolling men's softball leagues, offering the George Michael-special in the park's bathroom.)

What�s also a mystery is how Jonathan Papelbon isn�t much of a fan of Alyssa. The Boston reliever is effective because of that laughable pout he protrudes on the mound. But nothing is more comical than this response.

"Actually I just walked right by her, man," said Papelbon, who is married.

"I was never really a big fan of hers, man. I was always like a big Pamela Anderson fan. You know, she doesn't really do it for me. I'm sorry, Alyssa. I'm sorry."

Pamela Anderson. Pffft�single mother, pass.

PIAZZA FINALLY FIGHTS BACK
Former Florida Marlins catcher Mike Piazza was nailed by a flying water bottle at Anaheim Stadium this week, once again showing that Angels fans are some of the best in baseball. Idiots in other stadiums toss $10 beers, but Angels fans drink beer and toss water. Smart.

Piazza pointed the man out in the crowd and now intends to sue him. Piazza called the man gutless, and he should know a thing or two about being cowardly. Roger Clemens nailed Piazza in the ear with a baseball and threw a piece of a bat at him, barely registering a peep from the catcher.

But hiding behind the police, Piazza was able to act like a big man and point the dude out in the crowd.

THE LINKS

If you click on one thing this week, make it young Fletcherson's Pro & Cons on the Star Wars movies. Well, well, done. He also should have some movie previews done when he gets back from Comicon.

Sports Hernia reports, everything sucks.

The all beard team, no Katie Holmes, though.

The basketball guillotine.

Strange offseason workout routines.

AND FINALLY
Impeach Churchill!

Doctor Who: If I can change, and you can change, maybe we can all change into Daleks

Spoilers for the "Doctor Who" episode "Daleks in Manhattan" coming right up...

I'm jet-lagged and this is the first half of a two-parter (the conclusion of which I haven't seen yet), so this is gonna be short.

I don't have any kind of fundamental opposition to the Daleks as a concept, but much like the Doctor, I'm starting to get frustrated with how easily they keep popping up, despite story after story in which they're erased from time, once and for all. It's like how the X-Men writers keep killing off Magneto, only to have the next writer bring him back, time after time.

This was also one of the less subtle episodes they've done, and while the Daleks themselves aren't particularly subtle villains, my head started to ache from the number of times I got beat by the clue-by-four. The wise leader of Hooverville is named Solomon, and he solves a dispute over property by dividing it in two? Sure, why not? Every single character makes a comment at some point about how mankind is capable of building something like the Empire State Building while letting something like Hooverville exist, and just in case we didn't get the point, we find out that Talullah's Broadway revue is called "Heaven and Hell"? Super!

I mean, the broadness of the dialogue and characterization match our cultural memories of 1930s Noo Yawk -- or at least of the movies about that time and place -- and there's some fun in seeing the Doctor and Martha interact with a cast of Damon Runyon types, but overall it felt disposable.

What did everybody else think?

The Simpsons Movie: Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig...

Brief spoilers for "The Simpsons Movie" coming up just as soon as I find a really kind-hearted carnie to give me one more chance...

Expanding a little on my initial thoughts from a few hours after the screening, I'm really happy with the movie, even though I know it's not an instant classic the way the "South Park" movie was.

The first 20-30 minutes feature most of the best gags and memorable sequences, with Bart's naked skateboard ride and, especially, the Fox crawl joke as highlights. (The theater I saw it in was packed with industry people -- including Fox chairman Peter Liguori -- and the place exploded when the crawl began. I know it's wishful thinking, but maybe that gag can shame Fox into changing its bug-happy ways -- for "The Simpsons," if not for all of primetime.)

Of course, that early stretch of the film is the part lightest on plot. While there's set-up for all the shenanigans with the EPA and President Ahnuld, the first half-hour is essentially a series of thinly-connected sketches -- very funny sketches, but still a format that would describe the TV series from around the point it hit double digit seasons. But it was still a pleasure to get to experience vintage "Simpsons"-style humor ("I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!" or Nelson losing his voice from laughing too long at Bart's doodle) with a huge, boisterous crowd. (I wonder how this movie's going to play for people who just wait on the DVD.)

Once the EPA storyline really kicks in, the laughs slow down, but I like that Groening and company didn't try to force gags. I know some critics and fans have complained that the movie doesn't feature nearly enough of the supporting cast, especially with Homer packing up the clan to Alaska. I'm okay with the focus on the family, though; they're the reason most of us fell in love with the show, and I've missed the genuine emotions at the heart of the series' earliest episodes like "Lisa's Substitute." Bart's growing affection for Flanders and, especially, Marge's videotaped message for Homer were really affecting. (Julie Kavner was really amazing in the video scene; too bad voice actors have no real shot at major film awards.) Would I have liked more of Mr. Burns or Apu or Barney? Sure, but not at the expense of the family dynamic.

For all the talk about how the writers didn't want to do the movie if they'd just be repeating bits from the series, there were several sequences that were exactly that. Homer's vision quest in the frozen wilds reminded me of his post-chili cook-off hallucinations, and Comic Book Guy evaluating his life in the face of impending death was nearly identical to the bit from the Halloween episode where he gets hit by a French missile. (The only difference: instead of feeling he's wasted his life, he now has no regrets. If the Halloween shows weren't out of continuity, I'd make some kind of Worst. Mischaracterization. Ever. joke. I guess I just did.)

I also loved how David Silverman and the animators opened up the visuals for the big screen, in a way that made all the characters look like themselves, but better.

So that's me. What did everybody else think?

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Vikings

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings would have won three out of the last four Super Bowls if the game was played in September. First-year coach Brad Childress followed in the footsteps of the departed Mike Tice by racing out to a 4-2 record last year, before finishing the season 6-10.

Hey, that�s the Vikings way.

The Vikings do have one thing going for them, a strong running game backed by a great offensive line and running back Chester Taylor. So the team went out in the draft and pick a, uh, well, a running back. No knock on Peterson, but the Vikings remember that Tavarias Jackson is the quarterback, right? Well, not that it matters much seeing that the receivers are Bobby Wade and Troy Williamson, who led the team with 11 drops last season. In fact, the Vikings are so enamored with fast guys who can't catch, they took Sidney Rice in the second round.

Hey Vikings, any reason you might want to address that horrible defensive line? You know, the one that finished 25th in sacks. (Although in fairness to the Vikings, you might be better letting the NFC North quarterbacks throw, seeing an interception is more likely than a completion.)

Still, it looks like another bad season for the Vikings. Which might be a good thing for them, so they won't have to endure something like this:

Listen

Mad Men: Ambivalent women

Once again, apologies for posting this by mistake last night. I had either forgotten what day it was, what day "Mad Men" airs, or both. This may be the last blog post for a few days (except maybe the "Simpsons" movie review) as I attempt to reassemble my wits in the comfort of my own home.

Anyway, spoilers for "Mad Men" episode two coming up just as soon as I buy a new child safety seat for the car...

After devoting much of the pilot to the title characters, episode two of "Mad Men" is for the ladies -- mostly.

Betty Draper, kept off camera for most of last week to serve the pilot's not-so-shocking twist ending, gets to play screentime catch-up. We learn that she's suffering from some kind of condition where her hands freeze up at inopportune moments. (I don't know enough about medical history to understand whether Betty's condition is really psychosomatic, as her doctor suggests, or simply something a doctor in 1960 wouldn't be able to diagnose.) She's out of sorts, depressed about the recent death of her mother, crushed by her role as homemaker but not understanding that there could be an alternative, frustrated that Don is just as big a mystery to her as he is to everyone else. When they lie in bed together, she looks at him and whispers, "Who's in there?" It's not apparent yet whether she suspects Don is sleeping around, but she's thrown by the news that a divorcee has moved into the neighborhood. As claustrophobic and terrifying she may find her life, being a single mom in 1960 Westchester sounds infinitely more terrifying.

It's really scary to see how constrained Betty's life is, how much control of it is placed -- by her ignorance and by the standards of the time -- in the hands of Don. He's the one who pushes her to see a therapist, and he's also the one who can then call up the therapist to find out what Betty talked about in her session. January Jones has a look that works really well with the style of the time (in present-day movies, I don't usually notice her, but she has this vaguely Grace Kelly quality when you put her in the dress and the hair and the makeup), and I'm glad she's portrayed as more than just the ball and chain that Don escapes from with work and with Midge.

And speaking of our resident beatnik floozy, we find that she's not just Don's mistress, but rather a free love type who sleeps around, an arrangement that has its pluses and minuses for both of them. Don doesn't have to feel completely guilty that he goes back to Betty the next day because he knows Midge has other guys, but he also can't help getting upset when evidence of those guys -- say, Midge's new TV set (on which her favorite show is the same as Don's kids') -- stares him right in the face. And Midge doesn't have to feel like a kept woman who's breaking up a marriage, but she still can't stand to hear about Betty. When Don says, "I can't decide if you have everything, or nothing," she tells him, "For the moment, nothing is everything." On some shows, that line would sound like psychobabble masquerading as profound insights, but the small details of how these characters are written and played gives it real meaning.

With Pete off on his honeymoon (an excuse to sketch in the other young guys at the agency), Peggy gets a bit closer to Paul, one of the copywriters on Don's team. Paul is set up to be everything that Pete and his cronies aren't -- well-read, semi-enlightened (he at least sees the value in women copywriters for certain types of jobs), not as blatant in his advances -- but in the end he's revealed to be just another horny guy trying to get with the new girl, and Peggy is only able to fend him off by hinting at her involvement with Pete. (Paul assumes the man she's talking about is Don, and in one of my favorite lines of the episode, says, "Do you belong to someone else? Shit. I don't even like to sit in Don's chair.")

I'm just very taken with this show, and if I wasn't so burnt-out from being at press tour for two weeks (see the latest iteration of my Bon Scott/Alex O'Loughlin problem), I'd attempt to elaborate more about what it continues to well. Instead, it's on to our friends the bullet points:

• Yes, People Really Lived This Way moments of the week: the Draper kids drive without child seats, or even seat belts, and are completely unharmed in Betty's fender bender, and the daughter runs around the house with a dry cleaning bag over her head and Betty's only concern is that her dress might get ruined without the bag on it.
• John Slattery has just nailed the arrogance and indifference of a guy like Roger. Again, an exchange like the "What do women want?" "Who cares?" bit between Don and Roger could have come across as being written in italics, but Slattery makes Roger's attitude seem like the natural thing.
• Robert Morse! How perfect is that? They cast Robert Morse -- star of the original version of "How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying" -- as Mr. Cooper, head of the agency.

What did everybody else think?

That's it for me!

In the final entry of the tour blog, I recap the "Private Practice" session, which largely turned into a discussion of all things "Grey's Anatomy." (Plus an opportunity for one last "I'm Taye Diggs!" joke.)

Spoilers (or not).

Remember when I said yesterday I didn't know what day it is? I wasn't exaggerating, as I published my "Mad Men" review a day ahead of schedule. Apologies to anyone who clicked through; I've yanked the post and will put it back up tonight before I fly home and get some badly-needed rest.

It's the last day of tour, and my next-to-last tour column is a discussion of the delicate dance shows with ongoing storylines have to do when they come to face a couple of hundred news-hungry reporters. There's spoiler-y stuff of varying degrees about "Friday Night Lights" (big), "The Office" (little), "Heroes" (maybe big), "House" (ibid), and "Lost" (medium, at best), so don't follow the link if you don't want to know.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Texans

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

The Houston Texans

There's an old joke about a man who goes hunting in the woods. He takes aim and shoots at a bear, but misses. The bear, in turn, takes the gun away from the hunter and has his way with him sexually. The hunter returns to town, gets a bigger gun, and returns to the woods. The hunter takes aim, misses, and suffers the same result. The cycle continues a few more times with the hunter getting a bigger gun, but missing each time. Finally the bear just stops and says, "Hey, you aren't here for the hunting are you."

That's the Texans. They just aren�t here for the football. With seemingly no direction or plan, other than to keep the Arizona Cardinals company, the Texans are treated like that hunter, year after year.

It's almost as if they aren't trying. Forget passing on Reggie Bush and Vince Young, they would have failed here because the team refuses to address the offensive line that has been a problem since the team started in 2002. The Texans drafted a defensive tackle this year. And a wide receiver. And a cornerback. And a safety. Hey look, they drafted an offensive linemen with its second pick in the fifth round. The club also signed, uh, Jordan Black in free agency. A guy so bad, even the Chiefs didn�t want him.

So lets, just for a moment, pretend that Matt Schaub is not going to be the second coming of Doug Johnson. Or that Ahman Green did not play his best football in 2003. Who the hell are going to block for these guys?

At least the defense is equally as miserable, ranking 24th overall in 2006.

Sorry Texans fans (both of you), no matter how big of a gun you get, you are just going to end up getting bent over. Again.

Fathers of the Year

Matt Leinart was called out this week by the mother of his child for being an absentee father. What a shock, a pro athlete ignoring his kid. But maybe Matt should ask Tony Dungy what happens when you ignore your kid because of football. Making matters worse, Brynn is now seeking $30K in child support according to TMZ.com.

Now a lot of people think that Leinart should not pay it. But actually he should. That $30K keeps Brynn out of the WNBA, which really is such a small price to pay. In fact, if more people could knock up these WNBA players, maybe that league will finally go away.

But what about this guy, who locked his son in a room with a bucket so he could go watch his beloved Packers at the local casino. This guy makes Leinart look like a good father. Hell, he makes Chris Benoit look like a good father.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Browns

Your team isn't going to the Super Bowl, so why have any optimism? The Hater Nation brings you back to reality with the Super Bowl Buzz Kill. Why your team won't win the Super Bowl:

Cleveland Browns.

Let's be honest, Cleveland is really a rusting, Midwest version of Oakland. Sure Cleveland has its lakes of fire, while Oakland has its freeways of fire, but the comparison is apt. Cleveland and Oakland sports teams are miserable chokers, known more for their psychotic fans bases draped in costumes and masks, and less for, you know, actually winning. The Browns and Raiders did win once, but that was a long, long time ago. Like before Jim Brown started making movies.

Coincidentally, the Browns have pinned their hopes on quarterback Brady Quinn. The same guy who was passed over by the Raiders. And the Dolphins. And the Jaguars. Yeah, pretty much everybody. But let�s not be so quick to dismiss Brady just yet. He spent two years with Charlie Weis at Notre Dame, so he knows what its like to consistently lose to his chief rival, meaning he�ll fit in perfectly with the Browns. And hey, the guy knows better than to jump in front of his coach at the buffet line.

Don�t despair Browns fans, the team has done a good job of surrounding Brady with some quality talent. They have Kellen Winslow, coming off a knee injury. LeCharles Bently, coming off a knee injury. Braylon Edwards one year removed from knee injury. If the Browns are really intent on bringing in some banged up, and used players, why not set the bar really high and go after Jamal Lewis.

What, they did?

That was just supposed to be a joke. How can a team release Reuben Droughns at running back and not have any alternative as an upgrade? Good luck running behind that line, Jamal. Prized rookie Joe Thomas spent his draft day out fishing on the lack. Yeah, with that type of commitment to football, it�s not hard to imagine Thomas racking up all the same success that Robert Gallery has had in Oakland.

The news isn�t all bad for Cleveland, though. Drew Carey is going to host the Price is Right. At least one of your native sons isn't a loser.

Of Australians and ABC

From the tour blog: I apologize for yet another Alex O'Loughlin/Bon Scott-related fiasco, and ABC announces its premiere dates.

The British are coming! The British are coming!

Today's column tackles the biggest recurring question of this tour: why are there so many British (and Aussie) actors playing Americans as the stars of new shows?

Somebody wake Lou Dobbs and tell him he has a new kind of immigration crisis to rail against. A new group of foreigners is streaming into this country, and these people are stealing our best jobs, replacing our doctors, our cops, our reporters, even our bionic women.

Or maybe they're just stealing acting jobs. But for cultural pride, isn't that just as important?

There's going to be a British invasion on TV this season, with about a dozen actors from Great Britain or its former territories playing Americans in new network primetime series.

To read the full thing, click here.

Best. Simpsons movie. Ever.

To quote the Bizarro Jerry, me so happy. Me want to cry. At the last minute this afternoon, a friend of mine with a ticket to see "The Simpsons Movie" realized that it came with a plus-one, and he asked me to be his plus-one. (Thanks, Joe!)

I'm not going to spoil anything right now -- I'll do a proper WAW-style review sometime this weekend, after I'm back from tour and fully awake -- but I will say that I was really, really happy with it. The first half hour is as funny a sustained stretch as any of the best episodes, but there's also room for some heart (Julie Kavner is GREAT), appearances by virtually every character ever (even if some of them are on-screen for half a second) and Albert Brooks doing another brilliant guest voice turn. Really, the only thing it was lacking was an epic musical number, but I'm okay with that. I don't know if it's as perfect as the "South Park" movie, but if you love the show, you will not be disappointed.

The Mid Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. You know the drill by now, hopefully - my name is Ted, I normally write over here, but on Wednesdays I come and absolutely befoul Adam's work with some unfunny ramblings of my own. CAPPY says something, no one listens, and then a bunch of other people disparage me, but I keep coming back. Socialism is a wonderful thing.

Michael Vick

Last time I called a person "Ookie" was some girl right before I spooged on her nose, which is kinda like what the world is doing to Michael Vick right now.

Tim Donaghy

Do you get the feeling he met the mob like Bart met Fat Tony, because one of the Gambinos heard that he makes an excellent Manhattan? There's no doubt - which leads you to wonder, when the FBI comes to Stern and says, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about one of your refs taking bets on games, would you?", does Stern reply, "What's a game?" I promise that's my only Simpsons plug. I wish I had friends, though. I really want to see that movie without the retarded ticket taker laughing at me for being alone on a Friday night.

The Tour De France

If I had a gun with two bullets and was standing in front of any cycling executive, Hitler, and Mussolini, I'd shoot the cycling executive once, then shoot myself for good measure.

Barry Bonds

The only chase more boring than this - and with as many convoluted subplots - was that ridiculous 1994 movie of the same name ("The Chase") with Charlie Sheen. How can you have a movie with Kristy Swanson circa 1994 - post-Buffy, but pre-Big Daddy - and not force her to do nudity? That's as abjectedly preposterous as a nation gripped by the switching of a prized national record to an twice-dumb cheater. Oh, shite...

USA Basketball

All this Vegas stuff is well and good, but I can't wait until we lose in the quarters in Beijing to a team from a nation without access to nylon, leather, wood, or sneakers.

Lindsay Lohan

The Sun claims she made a bet with friends claiming she could get David Beckham in the sack. I really think she'd have more to discuss with Dwight Gooden, but maybe my over-reliance on conversation is what's been holding me back all these years. It could be that I'm morbidly obese and socially retarded, but easy answers never did it for me.

Arthur Blank

Look, buddy - if I have to put up with your sub-par Home Depot f'n door hinges and your surly, smoked-out teenage suburbanite staff who wouldn't know where to find a bag of sod if it bit 'em in the ass, can you at least put the dog killing bastard out to pasture for me?

Ian Johnson

"Relationships based on intense experiences never work out." - Speed. Guess he's screwed.

Randy Johnson

His career might be toast. It's a shame, really, because when you have a roided-up asshole who explodes at the press about to hold a cherished record, the thing you want in concert with that is a camerman-shoving bigot leading a team to the NL wild card. It's like Martin and Lewis, only without an annoying telethon.

Randy Shannon

... says there's "no reason" the Hurricanes can't win the ACC. Yea, and see, there's technically no reason CAPPY can't eventually move into manhood in the Biblical sense. A lot of things in this world take patience, the hand of God, and Lamar Thomas coming down in the elevator to 'get in that thang.'

Freaks and Geeks Rewind: The Diary

Spoilers for the "Freaks and Geeks" episode "The Diary" coming up just as I interrogate a group of potential prank callers...

Do a Google search for "Freaks and Geeks" and "painfully honest," and you'll get about 200 hits. For "brutally honest," it's more than 400. Start mixing and matching -- say, "painful," "honest" and "Freaks and Geeks" -- and you're getting close to 1,000.

My point is, so much of what made this show great was its honesty, but that same candor also made it a hard watch for a mass audience. The truth hurts, like the saying goes, and "The Diary" is an episode about just how much it can hurt.

In the main plot, Kim gets busted hitchhiking with Lindsay, and an apoplectic Harold ("You could have been picked up by Ted Bundy!") and Jean demand to get to know more about their daughter's new best friend. They insist on having Kim's mom, Cookie, over for dinner, and when Cookie arrives at the Weir home, she's not the shrieking harpy from "Kim Kelly Is My Friend," but an innocent-sounding martyr who lives for her children and is terrified of what Kim is becoming.

(Please pause from reading this review to once again boo Sassa and Ancier for not airing "Kim Kelly Is My Friend," since the contrast between the two faces of Cookie totally gets lost here.)

In the course of their meal, Cookie suggests the Weirs try reading Lindsay's diary, as snooping through Kim's stuff is the only way she has any idea what her daughter is really doing. (Either she's full of crap, by the way, or she only just started this practice after "Kim Kelly Is My Friend," since at the time Cookie seemed to believe all of Kim's lies about hanging out with Lindsay.)

Harold, remembering how badly Lindsay tricked them back in "Tests and Breasts," decides they can't trust their daughter anymore. He bans Lindsay from hanging out with Kim and, while Lindsay's at school, he and Jean sneak into her room and find her diary.

Until this point the first time I watched the episode, I was starting to worry that I had seen this plot done before on cheesey sitcoms, but what happens next makes it uniquely a "Freaks and Geeks" story. Instead of finding references to bad behavior, sex and drug use, Jean turns to a page where Lindsay is discussing -- gulp -- Harold and Jean:

"Two of the worst ones are mom and dad. They are the most boring, repressed people on the face of the earth. They say they love each other, but who knows? It's probably just part of their routine. Anyway, can robots really be in love?... Their full life is this monotonous routine, she cooks dinner -- practically the same meal every night -- he comes home barking like a dictator who's scared his penis will fall off if he ever has to clear the table, and she lets him walk all over her."

Jean is completely thunderstruck to read her life described in this way, and she and Harold are both disturbed enough that they put the diary away, never to invade its privacy again. Jean throws herself into proving Lindsay wrong, cooking up an exotic (by Weir standards) dinner featuring Cornish game hen in plum wine sauce. Harold, who just wants his usual supper, hurts Jean's feelings, first by mocking the game hen, then refusing to help clean up because, "That's your job." (I will tell you right now: if I ever used that phrase about my wife and housework, I'd be sitting in a lawyer's office the next day.)

When Jean's next cooking experiment leads to a badly-charred fish and some more mockery from Harold, she flees into the bedroom, sobbing and insisting that she doesn't want to be a robot. Why, she asks Harold, can't they try to enjoy life more by changing things up? He's baffled, explaining that he's very happy with his life the way he is.

"I like chicken, I like pot roast, and that's how I feel about you, Jean!" he tells her, and when she complains that he doesn't appreciate her any more than he does a pot roast, he's even more baffled, telling her, "Everything I do, I do to serve you. I think of you when I'm stocking fishing poles. I think of you when I'm answering questions about cross country ski wax. My whole life is about serving you. And I love you, Jean. Thank you."

It's a really lovely scene, and in some ways a prelude to the marital strife subplot from "Knocked Up." Because Harold's not much for big displays of affection, Jean assumes he's unhappy but too stuck in a rut to do anything. Harold, meanwhile, is perfectly happy with the status quo, so long as it includes Jean and the kids, and realizes he should say that more often.

Then they make love, as first Sam and the geeks and then Lindsay and Kim come home and realize, to their horror (or, in Neal's case, fascination) what's going on. (Kim: "Lindsay, your parents are swingers!") It's a great finish to the series' biggest spotlight on the elder Weirs, and the only thing taking away from it at all is the "Wanna have some sex?" joke from "Carded and Discarded." (Harold and Jean getting busy would be a bigger deal if we hadn't just seen them do it a few episodes earlier.)

As with "We've Got Spirit," the story has more than one side. While Harold and, in particular, Jean are grappling with what Lindsay really thinks of them, Kim is badly hurt by what Lindsay's parents really think of her.

Lindsay, still not fully acclimated to life among the freaks, makes the mistake of telling Kim why her parents don't want them hanging out anymore. While she doesn't quote Harold's "She's as dumb as a crayon!" line, she does tell Kim that her parents think, "You're not smart, you do drugs, you have sex -- stupid stuff like that." Even with a "My parents are morons, Kim" caveat, it wounds Kim to hear her friend talk about her that way -- and without any suggestion that Lindsay tried to defend her.

So Kim starts lashing out at Lindsay for the first time since the early episodes, and in turn makes life miserable for Daniel and the other freaks. In a scene I had completely forgotten about, but is now one of my favorite James Franco bits of the series, Daniel tries to calm Kim down by suggesting the Weirs aren't completely wrong in their description of the freaks: "I had some daughter in high school, I wouldn't want some guy crawling all over her... I mean, who wants their kid to have sex and do drugs? Nobody." Daniel's usually acting aloof or wounded, but there's a real impish sweetness to the way Franco plays this scene that really charmed me on repeat viewing.

Anyway, Daniel gets fed up with Kim's moodiness -- "She's like the rawest nerve there is. She's like a body without skin. She's like a bloody..." -- and begs Lindsay to apologize. In a callback to the hitchhiking scene that started all this drama, Lindsay and Kim's English teacher calls on Kim to discuss "On the Road," and mocks her when Kim complains that she gave up on it because the writer was clearly on drugs, and if she turned in a report written in that style, she would get a bad grade. (That run-on sentence, by the way, was brought to you by the late Jack Kerouac. Thank you very much.) Lindsay loudly supports Kim, noting that Kerouac was, in fact, high when he wrote the book, and cites Truman Capote's five-word takedown of the book: "That isn't writing; it's typing." Between that public display and Lindsay's invitation to hang at her house, Harold and Jean be damned, things go back to normal between the two of them.

The geeks, meanwhile, get the show's second sports-related plot in a row, as Bill gets fed up with always being picked last in gym class. He's convinced he might be a really great shortstop, but he has no way of knowing because he's always placed in deep right field -- usually alongside Gordon Crisp in "backup right."

Since Coach Fredricks won't listen to his pleas directly, Bill steals a list of teacher's phone numbers from Rosso's office and pulls a Cameron Frye: he calls Fredricks at home, pretends to be Gordon's father and demands that Fredricks give some of the less obviously athletic kids more of a shot. Unfortunately, Bill doesn't understand exactly how the cover-your-ass mentality works and is frustrated when Fredricks' response is simply to offer Gordon the chance to play shortstop (Gordon declines), while still relegating Bill, Neal and Sam to be scrubs.

After Neal's super-cool father, Dr. Schweiber, tells the geeks stories of his own crank-calling days, Bill decides to go a step further, calling up Fredricks and, in an affected voice, telling him, "You're a turd, a stinky fat turd. Go sniff a jockstrap, you poophead. You love patting boys butts... You're a perv and a loser and a stinky turd."

In a brilliant montage that's a cop drama parody by way of a 14-year-old boy's sense of humor, Fredricks calls the kids in his gym class into his office one by one and demands that they read from a transcript he made of the prank call. (Alan finds it especially hysterical that he gets to call a teacher a "stinky fat turd" and a "loser.")

Fredricks eventually fingers Bill (there's a deleted scene where he still can't identify the culprit and accuses Sam to make the real perp confess, but that was probably a twist too much) and demands to know why Bill said that stuff to him. Bill again pleads his case for a more prominent role in this softball games -- "And the thing is, I might not be bad. I never get better, because I'm never given the chance. I could be good." -- and because, as we know by now, Fredricks really isn't a bad guy, he recognizes the truth in what Bill is saying and decides to give the kid a chance.

This leads to a Bizarro version of gym class, where Bill and Gordon are the captains and the jocks get picked last. After a cut away to the scene in Lindsay and Kim's English class, we return to find Sam the pitcher completely gassed. Bill, who's always wanted to call a meeting on the mound, runs over and waves in Neal to give Sam some encouragement. Sam throws a pitch, the jock at the plate hits a pop-up to shallow left, and as the part of the "Rocky" theme from when Apollo knocks Rocky down and Rocky gets up to keep fighting (only the single greatest film score snippet of all time) plays, Bill ranges back and makes an impressive, if ungainly, catch. Sam and Neal run over to hug and celebrate -- while the man already on base tags up and scores.

(The way I had remembered this scene, the joke is that the geeks lose the game in the last inning because they're too busy celebrating Bill's catch, but the real punchline is even funnier, as Neal notes: "Oh, only 8 and two thirds innings to go." Sam was already used up and they hadn't even gotten the first out yet!)

Some other thoughts on "The Diary":

• Though Sam gets the forefront next time with "Looks and Books," this is the first of a middle batch of episodes where the geek plots focused largely on Bill and Neal, a good choice, as the writers were close to running on fumes with the Sam/Cindy material.
• A hilarious recurring gag: each time Bill calls Fredricks, Fredricks is seated on his living room couch and we can hear the theme songs to bad sitcoms ("Diff'rent Strokes," "What's Happening?!?!") in the background. During the first call, Fredricks is watching TV in his underwear and eating ice cream and pretzels. (To be fair, sometimes you need salty and sweet at the same time, and why mess up perfectly good clothes in the process?) the second time, he's fully-dressed and not slovenly, and when the "you like patting boys butts" call ends, the camera pulls back to reveal that he's on some kind of half-assed date with the female gym teacher Fredricks was flirting with during Sam's naked marathon in "I'm With the Band."
• Two things about Lindsay's English teacher. First, why are Lindsay and Kim and Nick in the same class? Does the Track One/Two/Three thing only apply to certain classes like math and science? Second, the English teacher was played by Linda Cardellini's acting teacher, who does a fine job of playing the kind of pretentious twit who thinks the kids adore him when they can barely tolerate his mock coffee house banter.
• "We've Got Spirit" pretty much put the Nick and Lindsay story to bed, but this and the next few episodes will feature some background gags about Nick coping with the break-up, here with him being pissy towards Lindsay. ("Can you be quiet, please? Class is starting.")
• As mentioned above, this episode features the first visit visit to the Schweiber home, and our first glimpse of Sam McMurray as Dr. Schweiber. There's some none-too-subtle groundwork laid for the events of "The Garage Door" where Dr. Schweiber explains that he sometimes comes home in the middle of the day to change his shirt because it gets sweaty; my wife hadn't seen the later episodes and even she knew where that was leading.
• The Fredricks interrogation sequence gives Samm Levine another opportunity to do his Shatner, but what makes the bit really work is Thomas Wilson's mispronunciation of Leonard Nimoy's last name.

Up next (sometime after I get back to Jersey and recuperate from press tour): "Looks and Books," in which the Weir siblings each try on a very different persona from the ones we're familiar with.

What did everybody else think?

Super Bowl Buzz Kill: Jets

Why your team won�t win the Super Bowl: New York Jets

The Jets 2006 season ended the same way that the Sopranos ended�the screen went blank and everybody wondered what the hell happened during the AFC Wild Card Game. The kid genius, Eric Mangini, was rubbed out by the New England boss, a Member�s Only clad Bill Belichick, pretty much the same way that most people figured that Tony Soprano got whacked.

You could almost here Mangini humming the tune, Don�t Stop Believing, moments before Asante Samuel returned an interception36-yard for a touchdown in that game.

Jets fans haven�t stopped believing in the 2007 Jets, but that�s because most of them are dopes. The Jets ended the regular season winning five of six games. Sounds impressive until you consider that the opponents were the Texans, Packers, Vikings, Dolphins and Raiders.
Then there is Chad Pennington. Yes, he had a good season in 2006. But depending on the brittle Pennington to be your quarterback is akin to relying on Lindsay Lohan to be your designated driver. You really should know better. The Jets back-up plan is the Jeff Tedford project, Kellen Clemons. Better hope blonde can hold up.

The team�s biggest free-agent acquisition was Thomas Jones, who seemed to put it together in his three years in Chicago. But with Pete Kendall�s contract dispute, it won�t be unusual to see Jones stuffed at the line.

And then, there is the Mangenius himself who used unusual motivational techniques such as boxing videos and military personnel to pump up his teams. That kind of smacks of the desperate measures that another New York skipper tried, Billy Martin. Those kind of ploys always worked one year for Martin.

Yeah, just one.

Damages: The devil is in the details

Today's column previews FX's new drama "Damages," which I wanted to like more than I did:

The new FX legal drama "Damages" offers two superb performances by old pros Glenn Close and Ted Danson. It has a knotty, ripped-from-the- headlines thriller plot that evokes the best of John Grisham. And it has the moral ambiguity and style we've come to expect from the home of "The Shield" and "Rescue Me."

One thing it doesn't have: a compelling main character. It's a doughnut show: lots of sweet, satisfying goodness around the edges, nothing in the middle.

To read the full thing, click here.

Super Bowl Buzz Kill

What was the only website to nail 31 of its 32 preseason NFL predictions last year? The Hater Nation.

THN called the Bears losing in Super Bowl 41. And the Saints losing to the Bears or the Patriots losing to the Colts. In fact, THN correctly predicted the demise of 31 NFL franchises, the lone exception being the Colts. And really, the Colts played poorly enough during the Super Bowl to lose, so don�t fault us.

That is why the Super Bowl Buzz Kill was created. Picking the actual Super Bowl winners is so 1998. So we�ll let Peter King embarrass himself with a ridiculous Super Bowl pick. THN will instead pick against all 32 teams.

And hey, who can argue with 31 of 32?

The SBBK starts tomorrow! Find out why your team won't win the Super Bowl.