Funny Quotes

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is wife !

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I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

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A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

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Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

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Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

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You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it


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Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

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My wife and I always compromise. she admit she is wrong and I agree with her.

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Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.


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It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

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Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

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Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

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Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

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They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby..."

Even the word imposible means, "I'm Possible"


Destiny is not a matter of Chance, it is a matter of Choice...


Marriage is an institution where a Man looses his Bachelor's Degree and the Woman gains her Masters'...

1 day u may ask me: Wat is more important 2 u, me or
ur life? I will say: My life? u will walk away from me without
knowing that U R MY LIFE

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

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It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

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Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

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Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

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Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson
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You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
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Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

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What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
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"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
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Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
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You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson
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Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia

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Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

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The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
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Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
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Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
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Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.-------------------------------------
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
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Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
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The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
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What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

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How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
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Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

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"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

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If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
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"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
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He who laughs last didn't get it.

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After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
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Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
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There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
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"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

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The road to success is always under construction.

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Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
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Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

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Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.
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In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
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Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
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Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
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He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea

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"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy

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Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

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If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
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It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
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Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
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"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757



Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?



My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates



What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.
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Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
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You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?
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Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!
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Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of

the world.

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Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

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A penny saved is ridiculous.

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Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

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How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Put a little boogy in it!
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
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It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

They lived happily until they got married.

"What did one ghost say to another?"

"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.

At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait someone else is using it."

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"

"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

Sanjay : "I passed your house yesterday."

Anil : "Thanks I appreciate it."

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."

"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"

"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"

"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"

"I couldn't lift the table."

"My wife doesn't know what she wants." "You're lucky. My wife does." We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me. Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children. The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child. "What do use for washing dishes?" "Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best." "How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?" "Fine. She vanished last night." "Why don't you give your husband a divorce?" "What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?" "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?" "I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

"I heard you missed school yesterday."

"Not a bit." "I gotta 'A' in spelling." "You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling." My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe. I have no objections - I let her talk.

There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive.

Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture

Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt. "My uncle has a cedar chest."

"My uncle has a wooden leg."

"I want some current literature." "Here are some books on electric. lightning." There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you. Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since. Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind everyunsuccessful man, there are two!

Every man/woman should marry - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term - It brings so many relatives!

Never put off the work until tomorrow - what you can put off today!

Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
Hard work never killed anybody - But why take the risk!
Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives - Thank God we can choose our friends!

When two's company, three's the result!

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82.6% of statistics are wrong...

98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you.

If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good

Illiterate?... Write for FREE HELP!

Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!

But I don't like the cat. Shut up and eat your dinner!

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!

The more you say, the less people remember.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...

Never hit a man with glasses... Use your fist!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely

He's dead Jim. Kick him if you don't believe me

Oh yea? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you?

Oh, I'm sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you?

I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Why remember quotes when you can make them up?

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.

Too bad they missed.

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Should women have children after 35?

No, 35 children are enough!

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Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?

No, I went for that five years ago.

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No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.

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Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free

Trip around the Sun.

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Your future depends on your dreams

So go to sleep !

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Work fascinates me

I can look at it for hours !

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God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends

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Love is photogenic;

it needs darkness to develop

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Children in backseats cause accidents;

Accidents in backseats cause children !

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A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place

and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra

crossing there ?

The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do

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Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of

board which said FINE FOR PARKING

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A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been

brought here for drinking.

Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?

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Can you do anything that other people can't?

Sure, I can read my handwriting.

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Whom are you working for?

Same people. My wife and four kids.

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I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.

Yes. Meow.

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When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?

She answers: My husband's cheque book.