The Mid-Week Malaise

Hello, Haters. My name is Ted, and although you probably know and horrifically resent me by now, I still feel the need to tell you again that I normally write over here, but do some work for NFL Adam on Wednesdays.

Mid-Week Malaise is pretty simple: your life is an absolute joke, and nothing like you once envisioned it might become. But have hope: there are some people whose lives are worse. Like, uh, these people:

Chris Benoit and his family

Not to make light of a terrible situation (but we'll do it anyway!), but do you think he gave the Rabid Wolverine throat slash before he off'ed her?

Ozzie Guillen

Remember when his biggest problem was that his best friend (Ugueth Urbina) was a murderer?

Billy Knight

You just know this guy is going to absolutely screw this to the wall. When he wakes up Friday morning, half of the Dir-Tay will be fans of the Krunk. The other half will still be mastering the Bird on DDR.

Spencer Hawes

This guy declaring for the NBA Draft is akin to Partridge Family going on tour with Akon. It just doesn't fit, and meanwhile Joakim Noah is simulating sex with Adam Silver on the podium.

The Celtics

You know that kid you play pick-up with who misses 10 shots in a row, then when he hits the 11th, he screams out "ALL DAY!" and trots backward looking for high fives? That dude is the only guy Boston could sign right now.

Barry Bonds' son

He's on the DL as part of the March to the End of Society. It's alright, though - I hear a few needles in the posterior is always good for what ails ya.

Chad Knaus

Hendricks crew chief might have surpassed A-Rod as "Biggest Whiner in Sports," Pac-Man as "Biggest Idiot in Sports," and every major MLB power hitter from 1988 through 2004 as "Biggest Cheater in Sports" (I'm looking specifically at you, Brady Anderson).

20-Somethings

Our lives are utterly meaningless, there are no good jobs, and we're all going to die of liver poisoning or nuclear holocaust within 18 months. To make matters worse, 40 year olds are getting all the attention. 7 of them towed the mound in MLB on Wednesday. And their drugs were probably more potent, too.

The Kandi Man

This time of year has to substantially painful for him, kind of like the time Amare put a ball on his dome and his junk right in his face. Come to think of it, Mikey mighta liked that...

Tony Parker

Next year at this time, when he wants to go out on those riverboats with his MVP Trophy and Boris Diaw just to chillax, his evil wench of a wife won't let him. And he won't have had sex in 11 months. And the Suns will be the champions (or the Warriors!) It's a long way down, Frenchie.