The Mid-Week Malaise

We've been doing this for three or four weeks now, so we'll keep it short and sweet in terms of an explanation. Basically, we've gradually come to the realization that all our lives suck, and Wednesdays are the epitome of that: half the work week down sure, but half remaining - and then honestly, what does the weekend hold? A whole lotta nuttin.

So yea, your life sucks. These 10 characters, though? Their lives suck more. Revel in it:

Eva Longoria

Let me get this straight: a) she can't get laid right now and b) her fiancee is clearly a bit more preoccupied with stopping Daniel "Boobie" Gibson than wedding plans. It's hard out there for a starlet.

Flip Saunders

Larry Brown: two straight trips to the NBA Finals (1-1). Lil' Flip: 2 straight trips to the Eastern Conference Finals (0-2).

The Chicago Bears

No Mo' Tank (for half the season). Cedric Benson is your lead back. And oh yea, Grossman is still under center. The Packers might win the NFC North.

Michael Vick

From a sheer math standpoint, if you own 66 dogs and 37 of 'em are dead on property you own, shouldn't that implicate you in something?

The Streets of Philadelphia

Phillies are .500 and 7 games back of a Mets team they'll never catch. Eagles are maybe the third most talented team in the NFC East. Sixers don't have a good enough pick to be relevant again next year. Flyers are - well, the Flyers.

Ken Griffey Jr

His Reds are 15 under the .500 mark, and here's what's worse - in 2 weekends, when Barry could be breaking the all-time record (if he can get hot again), Griffey will travel to Seattle in perhaps the most painful reminder in recent sports history of "what could have been."

The Orlando Magic brass

Don't cry for them. They're already dead.

Larry Bird

Every time a dude like LeBron comes around, he has to see multiple clips of Jordan going for 63 against him in the Garden and Magic's magical performances against the Cs. His back probably winces with pain on every frame of those video segments. Meanwhile, he hired Jim O' Brien to coach a Pacers team sorely in need of a kick-you-in-the-grill leader to right their ship.

The Orioles

Keep finding heartbreaking ways to lose (Vlad hits a walk-off against them on Sunday). Meanwhile, I'm headed down there on Friday night (against the Rockies!) to eat and drink them out of house and home. When I pass out on the field from my perch in the CF bleachers, at least they'll get some publicity.

COMMENTER CAPPY

WHY DOESN'T THIS GUY GO AND GET A LIFE? OR AT LEAST A KEYBOARD THAT WORKS? MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP SPOOGING ON YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY, WHICH IS CLEARLY THE SOURCE OF YOUR BEST KNOWN CHARACTERISTIC.